Arrested Development s02e07 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth had scheduled a meeting with Stan Sitwell the Bluth Company's chief competitor.
Why are we having this meeting at home? Let him see he's not the only one who builds solid houses, you know? I think he'll be pretty impressed, knock on wood.
In fact, Michael was meeting at home at the behest ofhis fugitive father.
knock on wood.
Don't you find the timing of this meeting a little suspicious? Right before we play his company in softball? No, no.
Our business is in trouble, and I think he sees an opportunity.
So, I figured the guy's a family man, why not invite him over - let him see us in our element.
- I hope you don't mean the whole family - 'cause George Michael's off with Ann.
- Ann? Hmm.
That'll play well with Sitwell.
"Where's your son?" "He's out with Ann.
" "Who's Ann?" "Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father.
" Hey, screw Sitwell! He comes in here telling us how to build our houses, how to raise our kids.
We know what we're doing.
We don't need any help from him.
Damn it.
This thing got pushed in again.
- Gonna need a butter knife.
- That's what I'm talking about.
George Michael's got these powerful little fingers.
He should be here.
How do you think I feel? He said he would help me on this essay - for The Old Man and the Sea.
- I'll help you with that later.
Oh, great.
Okay.
So you have to read this, and then explain it and, this is important, say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart.
Let's have a four-syllable max.
Do you wanna say something or should I, Tobias? No.
I believe in letting children learn from their mistakes, Michael.
They make a mistake once, they shan't make it twice.
Oh, here I go! Don't worry.
It has not fallen into the garage.
Knock on wood.
You gonna want to help me with that? No, I can't.
I have an audition tomorrow.
I'm up for a minor, but meaty, role in a feature film.
- "Confidence Man Two.
" - Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man.
No.
Confidence Man Two is my character.
I think I'll drive up today and plot my route to the studio.
How 'bout I come with you? I could help you prepare.
Yes, well, it's for a con man, which I don't think you know anything about.
And besides, don't you have school? No.
Um- Today is "Help Your Dad Follow His Dream" day.
Great.
We can take the carpool lane.
- I need ice.
- I'm glad Sitwell's coming over.
Let him see that we're doing fine as a family.
The only help we need is from each other.
- And apparently whatever's in that bottle.
- Thanks for reminding me.
- My Teamocil.
- Wait a minute.
Teamocil? Isn't that that supplement that you and Tobias were hocking before the F.
D.
A.
Shut you down? In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork.
- Teamocil - Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.
- Teamocil - Good job, buddy.
- Thanks, friend.
Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband.
You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you? - Michael.
- Oh God.
Mother, not a good time.
I'm having a meeting here.
- Look at what Buster sent from the army.
- It's blacked out.
Oh, the government.
Keep reading.
"Sergeant Blank is treating me very blank "and it looks like I'll be shipping off to blank in about a blank.
- I blank you, Mother.
Buster.
" - I've done everything I can.
I even tried to convince them he's gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.
Well, you certainly tried.
You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12.
Even once on a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.
Lucille, l-I'll say it again.
You never know what's going to happen in the army.
- Remember, Lucille? - No, I don't.
- Get me a vodka, rocks.
- Mom, it's breakfast.
- And a piece of toast.
- Please, Stan Sitwell's coming over.
That hairless freak is coming here? None ofhis hair is real, you know.
You mean the guy we're meeting with can't even grow his own hair? Come on! It's called alopecia, and I'd appreciate it if we could all be sensitive to it, okay? He happens to be a very modest and generous man.
- Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head - every time some- - Go ahead, Mom.
Finish your thought.
"Every time some children's hospital needs funding"? Nonetheless, we could get a giant checkbook too.
We're just not that starved for attention.
And later, Sitwell laid out his plans.
- Sorry that my son couldn't be here- - Let me guess.
Girlfriend.
You know, it could be worse.
He could wanna marry your mother.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is your family not laughing at that yet? Okay.
Let me tell you what I'm offering.
You got a wonderful piece of property here that's going nowhere.
So what I propose is a co-venture with your Sudden Valley Development.
The first thing you might wanna change though is the name.
You know, Sudden Valley conjures up the image of a sinkhole, no? I told that to Dad.
I told that to my dad.
I'm thinking- Paradise Gardens.
I swear to God, I have that written- I want you to see so you don't think- I have that written down in my notebook.
When George Sr.
Was in charge he had a habit of shooting down any idea Michael came up with.
And Sudden Valley just sort of implies that something awful could happen all of a sudden.
- Plus, it's on a hill.
- What are you taking, stupid pills? Come on.
Save us some money.
This was a management tool that he used to keep Michael - working for his approval.
- That was a hard one to say no to.
The only thing I ask is out of the 450 homes we build one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.
That's great.
So the other Is that what we're saying? I mean, come on! Where's your decen- What the hell just fell off your face? - One of this guy's eyebrows fell in the candy beans.
- I always carry a spare.
Well, I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans.
Gob! I'm very impressed with the offer.
I'm gonna run it upstairs, see what kind of reaction it gets.
- Hmm? - So to speak.
- Michael hoped to impress his father.
- I think it sounds pretty good.
Pretty good? It was horrible.
What are you taking, stupid pills again? But their old dynamic returned when George Sr.
Did.
Gob was the only one down there who knew how to handle that hairless freak.
- Thank God we have Gob on our team.
- You know, Dad Gob doesn't really do all that much for our team.
In fact, I think it's time that I get put back in charge.
Michael, listen to me.
Lately, your ideas, they're horrible.
And Sitwell's just trying to figure out our batting order for the softball game on Saturday, I'm telling you.
Gob said the same thing, Dad, but l-I doubt that this guy's trying to drop $15 million to find out our batting order.
Hey.
This game goes way, way back.
It was a fierce rivalry, with George Sr.
Using - everything at his disposal to win- - No hair.
Hey, we got no hair.
While Stan Sitwell used the game to raise funds for underprivileged children.
- Oh, I think one of your orphans is heading towards the street.
- Strike three.
You go down there, and you tell him to go screw himself and apologize to your brother.
We need him on our side, and we need him happy.
- Where's Sitwell? - Sorry.
I told him to screw off.
- But get this, he offered me a job.
- What? Well, I'm not waiting on my brother.
I pass.
- You look surprised.
- I'm sorry.
I must've put it on too high.
But you were right.
It was a bad offer and you were smart enough not to take it.
You got gumption.
You speak your mind.
That means you're good enough to work for me.
you.
And I accepted.
He's waiting for me outside.
We're gonna swing by his wigmaker.
His "just woke up" hair is finally ready.
You're really gonna do this? It's ready, Mike.
They're only gonna hold it for 24 hours.
Tobias and Maeby, meanwhile, had mapped the route to the audition.
Well, here we are and home we go with plenty of time to get you to English class.
Wait.
You can't do a U-turn on your dream.
I say, we get you on the lot and get the Fünke name out there.
- Start talking you up around the watercoolers.
- Maeby, we'll never get on here.
I mean, behind these walls are the biggest stars in the world.
America's treasures.
- Damn it! - Dad, you're auditioning for the part of a confidence man.
Let's try a little confidence.
You say confidence man? Hey, I'm up for that part too.
- Oh.
- Good luck to you.
Good luck to you too.
As Tobias was gaining self-confidence - Michael was struggling to keep his.
- Hi, Dad.
- Wow, you're president again? - Yes, this is the way it should be.
What do you think of when you hear the words, "Sudden Valley"? Salad dressing, I think.
But for some reason, I don't wanna eat it.
- Right.
But "Paradise Gardens.
" - Yeah.
Okay.
I can see marinating a chicken in that.
Um, I'm actually here about the softball game.
We need some girls on the team, right? Yes, we do.
That's a league requirement.
One that was difficult to meet, given Gob's behavior in the third inning oflast year's game.
We could stay here, wait for another pop-up.
- And in the fifth inning.
- Come on! Yeah, here we go! Oh, and before the game.
We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
Well, you know who would be great and not at all litigious is Ann.
- Mmm, not Ann.
- No? 'Cause you know this-this game is kind of our thing.
But Ann's amazing.
You know, she could play my position.
You should be playing the field there, in right, you know? Plus, I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year.
I can't very well pull her off the roster.
Let's make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her as a backup.
- She's gonna be so excited.
- Good.
- Maybe-Maybe now I'll get a kiss.
- Okay.
Oh.
I meant from Ann.
Yes, I know.
I just want to get in there first.
Okay.
Lindsay, wake up.
I need you to play on the softball team this year.
Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil- - a sense of camaraderie.
- Count me in, Michael.
Happy to help the team.
- Great news.
I'm back.
- You just left.
Yeah, I don't think things are gonna work out with Sitwell.
I mean, we picked up his sleepy-head wig, everything was cool.
Next thing I know, he's asking me for a bunch of work ideas.
So, I thought I'd just quit and go back to being president here.
I need to do this job, okay? I need to prove that I can do this job.
- To who? - To you.
Michael, I'm your big brother.
I'll never be impressed with you.
- Still.
- Anyway, look.
You can still do it.
I just want the office and my stuffs and title.
What about if I help you with your work over at Sitwell? - You'd do that? - Sure.
You really want me to succeed at Sitwell.
Well, I just- Hey.
Come on.
I really want you to be over at Sitwell.
Lucille was worried that her son Buster was being sent into battle with the army.
I feel that we've not brought something up that might be a solution um, to spare my feelings.
Send you in his place? I called.
They don't want you back.
Oscar had served in Vietnam as a croc spotter on a Swift boat.
Croc! No, Sorry.
Wait.
Log.
Just a log.
No, wait.
Sorry.
Croc! It was there that he met a young U.
S.
O.
Dancer named Lucille.
I prefer an older man.
- Hey, I'm free after the show.
- I said older, Bob, not dead.
I swore I'd never say his name again, but it's time to call you-know-who.
"You-know-who"was an army sergeant named Bill Anderson.
He and Lucille were an item before she left him for Oscar.
At the studio, Tobias began to create buzz around the watercooler.
That Fünke is some kind of something.
Boy, this Fünke is all anybody's ever talking about.
So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Fünke is.
Overrated.
I'll just move- I'm sorry.
Okay.
We're okay.
Okay.
Meanwhile, Maeby looked for an empty office to call George Michael.
Where are you? I bought you a day.
I can't put this book report off forever.
Sorry, is this your office? No.
I'm just sitting behind someone else's desk pretending these are my kids.
Can you getJude Law in here for a meeting? - Oh, I'm just a reader.
- A reader? - Yeah.
- I need a report by tomorrow.
Before gym-lunch with Jim Carrey.
It's the Grinch guy.
You're too young.
So get this.
Sitwell loved my ideas.
Well, my ideas and I knew it.
That's great.
- You know, Dad never complimented any of those.
- Here's the thing.
- I need more.
- There were 34 proposals in there.
You'd be amazed how fast they come out when you read them all in a row.
"Thirty-one, bamboo floor upgrades.
Cheaper, stronger.
" I can't read this word.
"Thirty-two, wireless 'crapability.
"' That one explains itself.
- "Thirty-three"- - Gob, that was six-months' worth of work.
- You can't just blurt them all out at once.
- Mr.
Bluth.
- He's coming.
I've got to go.
- You blew them away.
Bought you something.
Maybe we can play catch sometime.
Gob's own father had only once played catch with him.
And it ended as badly as any game of catch could end.
- White power! - Better yet, maybe we can play ball on Saturday.
I'll meet you there.
I've got a neck hair fitting at 11:00.
Gob was both angry and overwhelmed by the approval from this new father figure.
It was confusing.
Michael was less torn and went to brag to his father.
So, apparently my ideas aren't so bad, and that comes from Sitwell himself.
- You let your ideas go to Sitwell? - Uh, no.
I gave them to Gob who, uh, works there now.
You let Gob go to Sitwell? - What'd I tell you? I told you- - "Don't let him go.
" I know.
- But my point is that I do all the work, Pop.
- He makes all the plays.
Don't you understand? He was the best softball player in the league.
Gob was especially gifted at sacrificing his body for the play.
- Play's at second.
Play's at second.
- Yeah! Suck on that, Sitwell.
Although at times, even that wasn't enough.
Your Tweety Bird dance just cost us a run, you moron.
Why do you think Sitwell hired him? You can't do this.
You're gonna lose the game, the company, and you can't do this.
What are you saying? If I win the game, you're comfortable with me running the company? - That's what I'm saying.
- I'll win the game.
And I'll show him that his little plan didn't work, all right? - We can build houses.
We can win games.
- That is what I wanna hear.
We can win games.
Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
My foot is bleeding.
- Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
You're gonna be able to play on our team, right? - Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? - To curb your sex drive.
That's right.
What team are you talking about? It may also cause short-term memory loss.
Okay.
Looks like I'm gonna need that female backup player after all.
- And Ann's really good at softball, huh? - Yeah.
She's amazing.
You know, she's got this low center of gravity.
You can't knock her over.
- Well, I could knock her over.
- Dad, I'm telling you, you can't.
They call her "The Wall," you know? Well, that's great.
But I could knock her over.
I won't, but I could.
- And Lucille called on an old lover.
- William? - Yes, ma'am? - You don't remember me? General Anderson had done three tours of duty in Vietnam - but the only memory he'd blocked was being left by Lucille.
- Oh, God.
That touch.
- Oh, how could I forget? Pat? - Lucille.
I could never forget that touch.
Bill, they're shipping my son Buster off.
I can't have that happen.
- I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
- Is there anything I can do? Maybe if you go downtown.
Oh, I haven't done that in 30 years.
You make me want to puke, Bluth! And so, Buster was pulled out of combat training- - Put 'em down and halt! - and put into U.
S.
O.
Training.
- It jolts, but it's not really doing it right now.
- And back at Gob's new office.
- Michael.
- Do you still need those ideas? Come on.
Are you kidding me? I can't let Sitwell down.
- L-I'm desperate here.
- Then I'll make you a deal.
- I want you to throw the softball game.
- Never! - He gave me this.
- Course he did.
Why do you think he hired you? He liked my ideas.
They were my ideas, and, no, he didn't.
He wants you for the softball game because he's trying to make our family look foolish.
I knew you had bad ideas.
All right, we'll play him.
I'll throw that softball game.
Nobody makes a fool of our family without my help.
Tobias had talked up the name Fünke, and it was time to audition.
- What's your name? - Tobias.
He's too short.
Give it to the guard.
Oh.
L- I'm not.
L- On camera, I seem much taller.
And Maeby picked up the reader's report, which had now become her book report.
- Whatcha got there? - I can't really discuss it.
If you wanna get it made, I'm the guy who has to see it.
You're the Fünke everyone's talking about? What are you, like, 15? - Marry me.
- Everyone thinks I look young too.
- So who are you thinking about? - Jude Law.
Why do you ask? Yeah.
Go young.
Young Guy and the Sea.
Big spring-breaker.
Four C.
G.
I.
The fish.
Let's fast-track this one.
And that's when Maeby realized she had become a successful film executive.
- It's all waxed up.
- All waxed up? What do you mean? - I need something.
Ajob for my dad.
- Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
Listen to me.
Brand new cars don't get waxed! That afternoon it was game time and Michael felt confident about a Bluth win.
Spin, spin, spin.
Ann wasn't as amazing as George Michael led his father to believe.
But Gob was playing worse than ever as per his agreement with Michael.
Your guy can't hit, Sitwell.
He's never gonna touch it.
- Time out.
- Time out.
Gob, are you okay? Yeah, just can't hit today.
Guess you're really disappointed in me.
Hey.
Everybody has days like this.
It's only a game.
After that list of ideas you gave me, I don't care if you blow the whole season.
Come here, you.
Okay.
We're good.
And Gob finally felt that someone believed in him.
Even though they weren't his ideas.
And he decided to make Sitwell proud.
Get on that ball! You go! You better pull an ankle or something.
Come on, George Michael! Get that ball in there! Then he went headfirst into The Wall.
- I'm safe.
- You're out! Out? I was safe! I'm safe! - Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron.
- Dad? He made the call.
You're out.
What are you doing? - Shush, shush, shush.
- Dad? - He's safe.
- What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking care of what you screwed up.
You blew it again, Michael.
Let me tell you something.
I blew it when I let you start controlling me again.
I even stooped to cheat here at a softball game.
You've been talking to each other.
How come nobody called me? - What's going on there? - I'm just fixing something that's been bugging me.
He was safe.
He was.
We lost.
Get over it.
Yeah, and Stan Sitwell liked my ideas.
He really believed in me.
- My ideas.
- Well.
And I'm president, whether you like it or not, Dad.
I don't need your approval anymore.
- I'm proud of you.
- Really? Yeah.
See ya.
Michael, I could've sworn I just saw Dad.
Or not.
I think hallucination is one of the side-effects ofTeamocil.
It isn't.
- Thanks for making the right call there, Mike.
- Yeah.
- Sorry I didn't blow the game.
- No.
You did the right thing and you finally got Dad to one of your ball games.
- Screw him.
- Yeah.
I miss him so much.
On the next Arrested Development.
- Maeby gets her father a job.
- I gotta fire one of ya.
Andy Richter! Here are those head shots I was telling you about.
- Yeah.
I gotta go.
- It's Tobias Fünke.
I told you about the head shots? And Buster visits the general.
I just wanted to thank you for my new job.
- What's wrong? - I'm shipping out tomorrow.
- I've got just the thing.
- Oh.
I haven't felt hands like that in years.
You are coming to the front.