As Time Goes By (1992) s01e05 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # Hello, Type For You agency.
Yes, can you hold the line for a moment, please? Thanks.
- Are you in? - Who is it? - Lionel Hardcastle.
- I'm out.
- For long? - Try a decade.
Hello, Mr Hardcastle.
I'm sorry, but Miss Pargetter is out at the moment.
Oh, not for long.
Ten years or so.
- Ten years or so.
- (Doorbell) Bye.
Li, hi.
Must fly.
- Win fan ling chang.
- Pardon? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were conversing in Chinese.
What? I see.
Nice one, Li.
No, no, I mean, I've only got five minutes.
And you're devoting them all to me? I'm touched.
You'd better come in.
Run in might be a better idea.
Thing is, Lionel, er your manuscript - We love it! - Good.
- But it isn't quite right.
- Oh, for goodness' sake, Alistair.
I put a lot of work into that book.
I've made all the revisions you asked for.
I know, I know, and we are thrilled.
- You're thrilled, but it isn't quite right? - No.
- So it's bad? - No, no, no, no, no, no, we love it! Is it me or are we going round in circles? Put it this way - your manuscript, and we do love it, is there but it's not there.
Would it help if we went back to Chinese? It needs - It needs What's the word? - Burning? - Humanising.
- Oh, humanising.
- Yes.
- What are you talking about? Look, it has people in it, I'm in it.
And, contrary to what some people think, I am human.
Yes, but not in the book.
You're a cipher.
All people in the book are ciphers.
They need to be They need to be people.
The people in the book need to be people? - You got it.
- Are you sure? It won't take a lot more work, Lionel.
One last push and we have a book.
We have real chances, we could even be talking screen rights.
- (Chuckles) - You could be played by, er Robert Redford.
Robert Red? Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves? Listen, mate.
If you don't get ahead of yourself, you'll finish where you started.
I'll think about that.
But this humanising It won't take you long, maybe a week.
It'll be worth it, Lionel.
It'll pay off, I promise it will.
All right, I'll try.
Good man.
Oh, er As long as I'm here, there's a bit of, er personal biz I'd like to clear up.
- Personal biz? - Yes.
- Jean.
- What about her? If I lay it on line would I step on any toes? Could you lay it on another line? I, er I fancy her like crazy.
- Do you? - I know what you're going to say.
I'm too young.
I was going to say she's too old, but it's the same thing.
- Not that it's any of my business.
- That's what I wanted to hear.
I, er I wouldn't be stepping on your toes? Hmm? Well, it's a freeish country.
Right.
(Chuckles) I like that, freeish.
(Laughs) Can I use it? Feel freeish.
See you, then, mate.
Oh, and, er, remember - push, push and, er humanise.
Push, push and humanise.
- Bye, Li.
- Bye-bye, Alistair.
- (Door shuts) - Oh.
Hm.
Robert Redford.
(Chuckles) Oh, Paul, that's excellent.
Yes.
Well, bike the contract round to me, and I'll sign it straightaway.
Oh, lovely, thanks, Paul.
Bye.
These have just come for you.
We've got the new premises in Brompton Road.
- My signature on the contract and they're ours.
- Good.
- These came for you.
- Yes.
- They're flowers.
- Yes.
Green stalks with coloured bits on the end.
I can see that.
- We've got a new branch! - Do you want me to do cartwheels? Well, be glad for me.
All the work I've put into this agency, it's paying off.
I am glad for you, you deserve it.
- But why aren't you excited about the flowers? - Probably a business thank you.
Somebody's secretary did a good job, send them a thank you letter and flowers.
What would you prefer, a box of cigars? They don't have to be a business thing.
They could be from Lionel.
- Why would Lionel send flowers? - You were in love, Mum.
That was 38 years ago.
They can't have taken that long to arrive.
Perhaps they're a new thought.
He's got a new thought, we met her in Norwich.
Well, perhaps he's apologising.
There's nothing to apologise for.
If he chooses to spend the night with a loudmouth, that's his business.
I bet they are from Lionel.
I bet you a lunch they're a business thank you.
I bet you a lunch they're from Lionel.
- They're from Alistair.
- I see.
It's a sort of business thank you.
We put the manuscript in order for him.
"Age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinite variety.
" A business thank you? From Alistair to Cleopatra.
- You have them.
- Oh, I'm not Cleopatra.
Neither am I.
- Alistair obviously thinks you are.
- Then he needs stronger lenses.
- Look, it's your own fault.
- What is? These are.
You practically vamped him in Norwich.
- Vamped? - You were all over him.
"Oh, yes, Alistair, I'd like to have a night cap at the hotel.
" Goo-goo eyes, the lot, just because Lionel turned up with his local bit of stuff.
Well, I was piqued.
I resent vamped.
Alistair obviously went for it.
Yes, he did, didn't he? Don't look so smug.
Well, it's a bit of a boost, isn't it? I'm on the verge of getting a tight perm and taking a coach out into Worthing, then an attractive young man sends me flowers.
I find that rather tacky.
- You like Alistair, don't you? - He's all right.
(Phone) Hello, Judith Hanson.
- Oh, hello, Alistair.
- Oh.
Mum? No, she's at the chiropodist.
No, no, it's nothing serious, just her weekly visit to get her corns seen to.
Mr Hardcastle, how nice to have you with us again.
- I can't stay away.
- You'll be staying for? Don't worry, as short a time as possible.
I'll need somewhere to work.
Is that room I used before free? - Room, sir? Do you mean the Anson Suite? - It's a room.
We call it the Anson Suite.
I see.
What do you call the room you're giving me? Room 405.
Doesn't have the same ring, does it? We could offer you a junior suite, sir.
Does that have child-sized furniture? It has a small sitting room and a complimentary bowl of fruit.
Bath towels big enough to dry yourself off? Our standard bath towels, sir.
I'll have the room in the Anson Suite.
Very good, sir.
Do enjoy your stay with us.
You missed me, didn't you? - Terribly.
- (Phone) - Hello, Sandy.
- Oh, hello, Mr Hardcastle.
- Is she? - She's out.
You're the one who informed me Miss Pargetter would be out for ten years.
- I just do as I'm told.
- Mmm.
I'll wait.
- Miss Pargetter is out.
- So you say.
Lovely, aren't they? I stole these from a cemetery.
When will she be back? And don't say ten years.
She's a very busy woman.
Those are from your publisher, by the way.
Really? Yours are very sweet too.
- Thank you.
Would you like them? - No, thank you.
- (Door opens) - Ah.
- Oh.
It's you.
- Yes, it is.
Mr Hardcastle insisted on waiting.
He's brought you some lovely flowers.
Perhaps you can find an ink well to put them in.
They're sweet.
- Those are from Alis - I know.
How was your night cap in Norwich? Rather flattering, to tell the truth.
- How was your overnight accommodation? - She slung me out.
I don't see why you're flattered by a 12-year-old boy.
- Don't you? (Chuckles) - No, I don't.
- What's funny? - You being slung out.
He's not exactly what you call a well-rounded character, is he? Who says I'm interested in well-rounded characters? - He's an intellectual vacuum.
- Good-looking.
I didn't know you were coming to Norwich.
Why did you come, anyway? To hear your lecture.
What if you had known? Well I only knew Denise on and off, you know.
You could have phrased that more delicately.
If you think Alistair is an intellectual vacuum, then Denise must rank as an intellectual black hole.
- Must have.
- What? Must have ranked, I shan't be seeing her again.
Send her some flowers.
You're very flippant today.
- I've acquired a new branch office.
- Oh.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Do you really think he's good-looking? - Yes.
Strange taste.
- I thought you were good-looking.
- Did you? Well, yes, I suppose I was.
Anyway, about Alistair, it's because of him I'm here.
- What do you mean? - The book.
- I have to do more damn revisions.
- And you need secretarial assistance.
I'm back at the hotel, so it's proper.
Could I have, er, Sandy? - She's my secretary.
- I know, but I like her.
- Does she like you? - I shouldn't think so.
We get on.
- I'll ask her.
- Tell her.
Ask.
Yes, all right, why not? I'm battle-hardened now.
- I'll send someone else if you like.
- No, I like him.
- Why? - That's a funny question coming from you.
- You were in love with him, weren't you? - Oh, Judith's been chattering.
Well, weren't you? Well, it was a long time ago.
I wasn't in love long enough to know whether I liked him.
Well, I do.
I shouldn't really, because I don't think he likes me.
Well, off you go, then.
You two have a basis for a beautiful friendship.
(Lionel) Page 37, I refer to a Colonel Austin.
- Yes.
- I describe him as tall.
- True.
- Right.
Now, then, add "with a moustache".
- What sort of moustache? - I don't know, a moustache.
You know, hair on the upper lip.
- Tall with a moustache.
- Correct.
- Next.
- What about his wife? - What about his wife? - Did she have a moustache? Course she didn't.
You being facetious? No, but you don't describe her at all.
She's just a blob.
"Colonel Austin's wife", poor woman.
She won't mind, she must be dead by now.
- You decided to describe everybody.
- All right, all right.
Colonel Austin's wife - I can't remember what she looked like.
- Invent.
Poetic licence.
- This isn't a work of fiction.
- I think you should say something.
All right.
"Colonel Austin's wife, whom I don't remember very well".
You can't put that.
Then put "Colonel Austin's wife, a blob".
- You're not enjoying this, are you? - Is it worth it? It's just a book, I wrote it.
Alistair talked about publishing it.
Now all I get is, "We love it, but keep on mucking about with it.
" Think of it as polishing a diamond.
That really does require a leap of the imagination.
- Where were we? - You described Colonel Austin's wife as a blob.
Leave her for a bit.
Oh, leave it all for a bit.
Look, I hate to sound like a hooker, but you are paying for my time.
Let's assume I'm resting between bouts of ecstasy.
- Would you like a mint? - No, thank you.
Miss Pargetter.
What about her? What was she like, when you first met her? Young.
Go on.
There was a warmth about her.
Oh, she had a temper, her eyes could go quite flinty.
She had that rarest of qualities.
The ability to forgive without a hint of rancour.
She never tried to be anything.
She was someone you never wanted to hurt.
I remember once (Sandy) Yes? And she was short.
Funny.
- What is? - You got almost poetic there.
And all you can remember of Colonel Austin's wife many years later is that she was just a blob.
I didn't share the same experience with Mrs Austin.
- Makes a difference.
- Well, obviously it makes a difference.
- Anything else? - Shall we get on? Whenever you like.
Page If Alistair hadn't mentioned a film, I'd burn this.
Tons of money in a film.
He talked about Robert Redford playing me.
(Laughs) All right.
He tends to get carried away, it is absurd.
Of course it is, anyway he's too old.
- Do you think so? - Yes.
You're a young man at the start of the book.
We're not getting on.
Weren't you resting between bouts of ecstasy? No, between bouts of bewilderment.
Look at it, My Life In Kenya.
Make a film out of it? I can't even make a book out of it.
Bloody publishers! - Well, that wasn't very clever, was it? - Well, I don't feel very clever.
- How's it going? - Oh.
Ah.
It can't have been a gust of wind, - it must have been a fit of pique.
- I'm fed up with it.
- What are you doing here? - Popped in to see how things were.
That just about says it, really.
- Come on.
- You're the secretary.
You threw the papers on the floor.
What's the problem, apart from the bad temper? Well, it's this humanising business.
Alistair thought if I described the characters more fully - That's a good idea.
- Only he can't.
Just because I can't remember what Colonel's wife looked like.
It's not her.
Those you have described are like descriptions in a passport.
They're either short people or tall people.
People are either short or tall.
- Unless they're of medium height.
- You don't have to stay.
I can't, I've got a lunch.
One person he described beautifully, and she's not in the book.
- Who's that? - (Sandy) You.
- I see.
- You came up in the conversation.
- Why? - It was my fault.
- There you are.
- It was never your forté, gallantry, was it? The way I feel at the moment, I don't have a forté of any kind at all.
Oh, look, you can't give up now.
- Well, perhaps if you help.
- Me? I don't know about humanising.
Ask Alistair.
I'm not crawling back to him.
He told me what he wanted.
If say I don't know what he's talking about, I'll look like a silly old fool.
Oh, well, I've got to go to lunch.
- Oh, look, Lionel.
- Hmm? Come to my house this evening, I'll try and help.
- I wouldn't want to be a nuisance.
- Don't go humble, it doesn't suit you.
- Eightish? - Thanks.
Don't bother to get up.
- This is going to take hours.
- Oh, bugger it, let's have some lunch.
I don't usually lunch with clients.
- Think of me as a sinking ship.
- Oh, that's all right.
I always have lunch with sinking ships.
Do you think we can have it on the floor? I've stiffened up.
- (Doorbell) - (Judith) I'll go.
Are you decent? Incredibly.
- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello, Judith.
Oh, going out? - Hello.
- Does she always opens the door like that? - Like what? - So quickly.
Most people peer out first, she flings it wide open.
- I never thought of it.
- Something to do with body language.
- Do you know much about body language? - Very inhibiting, I know that.
We're now unable to sit comfortably without making it a sexual invitation or a rebuff.
Do sit down.
- What's that? - Oh, this is gratitude.
- I bought you these.
- Oh, thank you.
- Don't tell me.
Alistair.
- It's getting silly, isn't it? - You should never have encouraged him.
- Don't let's start that again.
Have you eaten? Well, I tried a club sandwich at the hotel, but it tasted as though it had been made during the Blitz.
- Scrambled eggs all right? - Excellent.
I should have brought some wine but I suppose you've already got a few case from Alistair.
Only a couple.
(Judith) I think the box is garish, anyway.
Oh.
Big, though.
Yes.
Do I look all right? You look very good indeed.
- I don't like my body.
- I've never met a woman who does.
I do, for what it's worth.
Thank you.
Mum will never eat all those.
There must be half a hundredweight there.
He should be sending them to you, really.
- Ah.
Indelicate? - Stupid.
- Oh.
- No, not you, me.
If Mum's in the same room, I might as well be wallpaper to Alistair.
- Plain wallpaper.
- What is it about this man? He's a silly twerp who can't speak English.
No, he's very clever actually.
He's good-looking, funny, well-off, successful.
Well, if you're going to go for the obvious.
- Where are you going? - I am eating with a crowd.
Less than a thousand? Well, seven or nine.
Has to be an odd number to include me.
Twice divorced, lives with her mother, good sport and not really a threat.
If that's what the women in the party think then they don't have eyes.
What a nice thing to say.
It's not like me, I must be mellowing.
I must be going.
Bye, Mum.
(Jean) Have a nice time! - I must go.
- Go on, then, be a threat.
(Judith) Bye.
(Jean) Bye.
I hope they're scrambled and not beaten to death.
Thank you.
I've never tasted your cooking.
If you said that to me 38 years ago, I'd have been a nervous wreck.
- Mm, very good.
- Then I'd have glowed.
Then I'd have thought, "My God, she can cook as well.
" - Then, then, then.
- Yes.
Let's have some wine.
- Not really Alistair's, is it? - What if it were? I'd still drink it.
I'd pull a lot of faces, though.
There's no good sulking.
I'm not sulking.
I can accept constructive criticism.
The book, to me, is a cross between a handbook for growing coffee and a guide to Kenya.
- And that's constructive? - Yes.
It doesn't it reveal anything about the author.
My Life In Kenya.
- And that's a boring title? - Agreed.
But while it is the title, who's the me in my? - Me, obviously.
- Then let your readers know about it.
Let them know who you are, drop a veil or two.
I'm not a belly dancer.
- What I'm like is not my readers' business.
- You don't have any readers.
The book won't be published unless you open up a bit.
- All right, give me an example.
- Your wife.
(Laughs) You didn't even flick through the pages.
- She just sprang to mind.
- Why? Well, as an example.
You meet her, you marry, you live together, and then you divorce.
- Well, we did.
- It's so colourless.
It was.
Do you want me to help or not? Oh, let's watch television.
All right, yes, I do.
Right.
Why did you marry her? Because she was there, I suppose.
You make her sound like Everest.
Well, she was tall.
Willowy.
Or bony, depending on which way you look at it.
Not a laugher.
The daughter of my neighbours The only single girl for miles.
- You were lonely.
- Yes.
- I'd started talking to the dogs a lot.
- (Jean chuckles) So I used to drive over on a Sunday, have tea, go for a stroll in the garden, then I'd numb my bum again for 30 miles and get back home.
Every time I got home I remembered her as being much prettier than when I'd left her.
She probably felt the same about you.
Oh, I'm quite sure she did.
So I got married, saved the travelling.
It's pretty steamy stuff, isn't it? That's what I mean.
You should be in the first chapter.
I was never in Africa.
No.
But if it's steam you're talking, we could have powered several locomotives.
Seems funny now.
Absurd.
Why did you divorce? New roads, more Brits immigrating, - social life tweaked up a notch.
- Someone else found her willowy? No, I found somebody rounded.
- Oh? - I'm not a saint.
I thought you were.
- What about you? - Oh, I've had my moments.
No, I mean, why did you marry? Well, it saved my bum from getting sore, and not because he was there.
- Oh, love.
- Obviously.
- It's not obvious at all.
- Well, it was.
Good.
- I wonder what happened to that letter.
- What letter? You lose the thread of a conversation quickly these days.
The letter you wrote me from Korea.
- The one you never received.
- Yes.
It was a physical pain, not hearing from you.
It was worse for me not hearing back.
- Don't let's make a competition out of it.
- No.
I suppose we thought we were the only two young people with broken hearts in the world.
It was horrible.
- If only you'd got the letter.
- If only I'd got the letter.
I wondered whether you'd been killed.
- I was kicked by a mule.
- Yes, you told me.
Oh, my God, I'm starting to repeat myself.
No, you said you were nearly kicked by a mule.
No, he did catch me, a sort of glancing blow.
Was it an enemy mule? - No, one of ours.
- Oh, good.
- There's a little scar there somewhere.
- Really, where? Somewhere there.
- I can't see it.
- Put your glasses on.
It's your war wound, you ought to know where it is.
There, just there.
Oh, yes.
Oh That's nice.
It's yesterday.
I know, but it's nice.
- (Door opens and shuts) - (Judith) It's only me.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
I was a threat.
- Good night, Mum.
Night, Lionel.
- Good night.
What did she mean? Oh, nothing.
- Judy? Judy? - What? - What do you mean you were a threat? - Something Lionel said to me.
- Oh? - We were talking about Alistair.
Oh, look, love, about Alistair You don't have to worry about him, I was thinking about him at dinner.
- While you were being a threat? - And I suddenly got him into perspective.
He's nice enough, but, well, it's all glitz, really.
Oh, good.
Whereas Lionel, he made me feel better about myself in two minutes tonight, than someone like Alistair could do in two years.
The wisdom of the ancients.
He's not ancient, I think he's gorgeous.
Is everything all right? Everything's fine gorgeous.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #