Black-ish (2014) s02e14 Episode Script
Sink or Swim
1 Normally, I would ask, "what are you doing, Dre?" But 16 years in, I think I'd rather not know.
Baby, come here.
- Oh, my god.
What? - Look here.
- Look at this.
Look at this.
- What? Every Saturday for the past five months, Janine has been throwing a pool party, and don't you think it's weird that she hasn't invited us? Okay, can I get up now? - Sure.
Go.
- Getting up.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, it is weird.
I mean, who wouldn't want an angry, creepy, spying-like-a-hunchback neighbor at their party? Open your eyes, Bow.
We're the only black family on the block.
It's obvious they don't want us in their pool.
Ah.
Whoa.
She's on her way over here.
She's coming over here! Stop acting weird.
I'm stop acting weird! Just go.
- Okay.
Dre - Shh! [Doorbell rings.]
Dre, that's Jack's Highlights.
She doesn't know my interests.
- Hey! Janine! - Hi.
Look, I know it's rude to be stopping by so last minute, but I just realized the most embarrassing thing.
What? Bruce and I have been having these pool parties all season long, and somehow we just never thought to ask you guys.
Oh, Janine, that is so sweet.
Is it okay if people park in front of your house? I Mm-hmm.
- you see? - [Door closes.]
That's exactly what I'm talking about right there! Junior: What's going on? And why are you screaming? And who did my picture puzzler? Oh, so, nobody knows nothing? It just got done on its own? Oh.
Janine doesn't want us in her pool because she probably thinks that we can't swim.
Dre: The reason my beautiful wife is giving me the stink eye [Ding!.]
Is because I just brought up an ugly stereotype that black people can't swim.
And the truth is, there is a legacy of black folks not swimming in America.
During our 300-year-long unpaid internship, we weren't exactly encouraged to take time out for refreshing dips.
Of course, desegregation was a step in the right direction, until white people left the cities for the suburbs, and urban pools where black kids could learn to swim were "coincidentally" Do you feel my air quotes? Defunded, drained, and closed.
Of course, white folks were excited to let us swim in their private pools and country clubs.
I'm kidding.
Didn't happen.
In fact, when Dorothy Dandridge, the Beyoncé of her day, dared to dip her fine foot into a hotel pool, they drained the whole thing.
So, you're mad at Janine because you think she thinks you can't swim, which you can't.
You can't swim? - Well, I - Diane: Hold up.
So, when we're swimming and you're just dangling your feet, reading a book, supposedly life guarding us, is that just for show? Yeah.
He's basically just there to witness your drowning.
Dre: Shut up.
Oh, my god.
Is the book even real? What else can't you do? Hey, Dre, what time is it? Oh.
- 4:15.
- Cool.
This isn't about what I can't do.
It's about principle.
I hope when you're drowning, someone throws you a principle.
- It - Rainbow: [Laughs.]
Babies, shake those juicy legs! We don't want to be late! I don't want to go.
Girl rovers are dumb.
We don't get to do any of the cool stuff the boys do.
Boy rovers have sailing, astronomy, and wood carving! [Chuckling.]
Cool.
But girl rovers have babysitting, manners, an Eating for beauty? What the It's not fair.
Yeah.
What boy wouldn't want to learn how to eat for beauty? Ruby: Now, now, enough of this foolishness.
The rovers have been exemplary organizations since their very beginning.
Well, aside from a few teeny, tiny bumps in the boys' division along the way.
Mm.
- Do we have to go? - Yes.
Boys need to be boys, and girls need to be girls.
Otherwise, it all goes higgledy-piggledy.
[Chuckles.]
Danica Patrick, Ronda Rousey, Wheaties boxes.
Oy! Hey, we really dodged a bullet not getting invited to Janine's.
You know the school mom mafia is gonna be there? - Mm.
- What a nightmare.
Those women are always lurking around school like they have nowhere else to be.
You know I got accosted at drop-off today? All right, guys, bye.
I love you.
- Bye.
Oh, my goodness.
Hi.
- [Knock on window.]
Bow! Oh! [Laughs.]
Oh, okay.
You want to talk to me.
Hi.
Bow, sign up for the Mommy mentors? Sign up! Once a week with the graduating girls.
Can I put you down for lunch on Wednesdays? I can't.
I got to work.
How about after school Tuesdays? Working.
You can't make time for the girls? - Oh, well - When don't you work? Well, I can't check right now because I am late for work, so You seem really stressed.
Yeah.
- You should come to yoga with us.
- Yeah! We go Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Tuesdays, we do aerial silks.
- Well, I would, but I - You have to work? Uh, yes, I have to work.
So, just watch your toes.
I-I'm late, so I got to go.
I'm gonna r Maybe next time? I'm gonna run them over.
I mean, they're terrible role models who do nothing at all.
It it took everything in my power not to just, like, drive back and forth over their nasty, little yoga bodies and hear the crunch of their little quinoa bones.
Oh, crispy! Yoga.
I hear it really curbs murderous rage.
You should go.
Thank god our kids have their heads on straight, right? 'Cause we're good role models.
I'm a great role model.
You're terrifying.
What [Gasps.]
Yeah, yeah! I did it.
Nothing feels better than finishing your homework, right, my smart girl? Oh, no.
I made my goal.
My gofundme campaign for a Chanel backpack is fully funded.
Wait.
What do you mean? Strangers are giving you money to buy a backpack? Well, not strangers, mom.
Most of them are boys from my history class.
Why are boys from your history class giving you money? Because I asked for it.
No, sweetheart, that's not right.
No.
If you want something, you got to work for it.
I did.
I crafted a targeted request, set a goal, and posted a really persuasive profile pic.
Look at that.
"Where them dollars at?" Oh, my god! Okay, no.
So, you're basically begging.
Mom, that's the ecosystem.
I give girls stuff, and they don't recoil when I say hello.
- Mm.
- Fair exchange.
No.
That's insane.
[Stammers.]
I didn't raise you to be a lady of leisure who takes aerial silk classes four days a week.
- I love aerial silk! - [Sighs.]
We should start a campaign for that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What what is wrong with you guys? Wow.
I'm sorry I'm a self-starting entrepreneur who knows her market.
And sorry I'm a generous young man who appreciates girls and helps them attain their dreams.
These do not sound like real apologies, guys.
Why would you want to be invited to this woman's party, Dre? [Chuckling.]
It's not like you can swim.
I don't know why I'm surprised that you would assume that, but why would you assume that? It's science, Dre.
Your bones are denser.
You would sink like a stone.
Mm.
Offensive and completely untrue.
So, you can swim.
- No.
- [Sighs.]
Zingo! 20 bucks.
Pay up.
Come on, Dre.
- That's 20 bucks I didn't have yesterday.
- Unbelievable.
Daphne, what about you? Can you swim? "Can't swim" is harsh.
I prefer, "none of your damn business.
" Oh.
Josh, look up your black contacts.
- Tell me how many of them can swim.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Okay, well, Dre is a no, and that's it.
Daphne won't give me her number.
Very conclusive.
It's science, Dre.
Whatever.
Dre, let's not assume this is racial.
There are a lot of reasons why they might not invite you.
Maybe they just don't like you.
Hmm.
I haven't known you that long, and I'm struggling.
You are a strong cup of tea.
In what way? Daphne: You're loud and self-centered.
You wear too much Cologne.
You take up two parking spaces.
You throw out your fish lunch in the conference-room trash.
And you bleed easily.
You touch every donut before you pick one.
If by "one," you mean "three.
" Oh, I mean six.
- [Both laugh.]
- Guys, guys, guys, stop.
Thank you.
Let's get this on the whiteboard so we won't forget our favorites.
- Oh, good call.
- On it.
You know what? A lot of hilarious things were said in jest, but this is a race thing.
There's another one Uh, "won't back down.
" - Number two - "won't back down.
" Got it.
Thinks everything's always racial.
- There you go.
- Lots of race.
That should be one, actually, I think, don't you? - Yeah, put that to one.
- So, that one goes to one.
- That goes to three.
- I like that.
- What's two? Parking spaces.
- Two parking spaces.
Parking spaces.
Likes pudding too much.
They weren't wrong about that last one.
And I was right about Janine I just needed proof, so I went straight to the source.
May I help you? M-m-may you help me? Janine, it's Dre From across the street.
I've been your neighbor for 11 years.
Dre! Yes, of course.
Hi.
Yeah.
I know you.
Hi! Yes.
Of course.
You are my unique neighbor, Dre.
Bruce, honey, stand down.
So, to what do I owe this delightful, unannounced nighttime visit? Well, you know, Janine, I'm gonna keep it all the way real with you.
[Weakly.]
Okay.
Can you explain to me why you've never invited us to any of your pool parties? Wow, um Okay, Dre, this Well, this is kind of uncomfortable, um, but in the spirit of keeping it all the way real Mm-hmm.
We thought you didn't like us.
Wh-what? [Chuckling.]
J-J-Janine, no.
Where where would you get that silly, silly idea? You drive home with your lights off, I once heard you and Rainbow trashing me over our baby monitor, and one time, you accidentally sent me an e-mail where the subject line was, "I don't like Janine.
" Uh Janine.
I think you're taking all of that stuff out of context, hmm? Uh, all right.
All right, great.
Then I'm happy you guys are gonna come.
Awesome.
All right.
You will be the hit of the belly-flop contest.
[Both laugh.]
That is, if you swim.
Uh You do swim, right? Of course.
Of course I swim.
Yeah? Right? I know.
I know.
I-I ask everybody that.
I just "do you swim?" [Stammers.]
Right.
Just like I ask everybody to, um, sign a liability waiver, so bring a pen.
I will see you in the pool! See you in the pool! [Chuckles nervously.]
Probably at the bottom.
So, we have to spend our Saturday with people that we don't like so that you can prove to someone whose opinion you don't care about that you can swim? Which, might I remind you, you cannot.
- For now, all right? - [Sighs.]
So, shh.
I've got to buckle down if I'm gonna learn to swim in a week.
I basically got this.
It's just this, this, this, and [Slurps.]
this, this, this, and [Slurps.]
- sounds great.
- Got it.
You know what? I'm gonna tell that to the coroner.
- Huh? - Yeah, I'm gonna say, "you know what? I don't know.
" He just did this and this and this [Slurps.]
and this and "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Okay.
Okay, Bow, enough.
- [Imitates choking.]
- I got it.
I'm good.
You're not gonna try it in the pool? - No.
- Oh.
Does Usain Bolt take to the track before a race? I'm pretty sure he does, yeah.
Oh, poor baby.
Oh.
Really? You need to do some research because right now, you sound like a fool.
I think you need to take some proper lessons because the whole Internet-learning thing hasn't worked out that well for you, Dre.
Big Todd: Thanks for joining me.
I'm big Todd, and this week we're gonna learn How to change your own propane tank.
How to change your own propane tank.
Now, first, safety, safety, safety.
That's how we do it.
By turning the valve screw clockwise.
[Explosion.]
[Helicopter blades whirring, sirens wailing.]
It wouldn't kill me to take a lesson.
Yeah.
Dre: So, I hired the best swim coach in town to give me a lesson, and I nailed it.
So, I'm close, right? Dre, I teach profoundly disabled toddlers, and I've never seen anyone more ill-equipped or less likely to improve.
You should never be near water.
I recommend you drain your pool and drink from small cups.
I mean, I beg you to listen to me.
Your children they need you around.
Wow.
Seems like a rather odd graduation speech.
So, this is how you do an estar stopper knot Good for tying up a boat or a hostage.
Neither is going anywhere.
[Oven dings.]
Ooh, my casserole's ready.
Awesome.
Ruby: Ooh! Something smells good! - [Both gasp.]
- [Door closes.]
Hello, my babies! Hi, grandma.
Look at my delicious casserole I made for girl rovers.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
And my delicious knot I made for boy rovers.
Oh, look how nice.
[Inhales deeply.]
Doesn't it feel good to stand firmly within the Lane the lord gave you? So, Saturday was pool day, and I showed up with a purpose.
Why do we have to be here? We don't even like them.
Hey, hey, this isn't about liking people or having fun, all right? It's about putting to rest some very ugly stereotypes.
So no watermelon.
All right? If anybody asks you if you're hungry, you say, "point me to the hummus.
" Hummus.
Oh, hey, everybody, the Johnsons are here! If anybody asks, you signed a waiver.
- Hey! - Hey, Janine.
Rainbow: Thanks for having us.
I'm so glad you guys could make it.
My sister made you a casserole.
Oh, Diane, I love it.
I love how the green beans on top make a fan.
Took Me Forever! - [Light laughter.]
- Really, dude? That's how you want to play this? Janine, so, uh, where do I sign up for the belly-flop contest, huh? Because like I say, "it's not a party until my tummy is red.
" [Laughs.]
That's a weird party slogan, but okay! Let's go.
[Chuckles.]
Ugh.
Poor Blair.
I feel so bad for her.
She's got to feed her husband shrimp and serve him drinks.
- She looks so - Happy? Uh no, she is not happy.
She looks happy.
She looks amazing.
Well, that's 'cause it's her job to look amazing.
She's really good at her job of looking happy and amazing.
I wouldn't mind that job.
You would be really good at that job.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
That is not a job.
Ladies of leisure are not fulfilled.
I am fulfilled, which is what makes me happy.
- You don't look happy.
- What You look angry.
Deep down, I'm happy, all right? Like, "end of a long day, go to bed" happy.
But she's happy now When she's awake.
[Scoffs.]
[Sighs.]
You guys do not get it.
You made this all by yourself? It looks so complicated.
Oh, not really.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh.
Then tell us how you did it.
Did you sauté the onions perfectly? Did you zest the lemons until your knuckles bled? Did you sacrifice everything Everything For this casserole? Yeah.
[Giggles.]
Great job.
Let's eat.
Janine: Dre! Whoo! Ooh.
Hey.
Enjoying the pool? Oh, yeah! You know, I-I-I love swimming.
Well, don't let me stop you.
Go.
Get in the game! Oh, well, you know, I can play anytime, you know? But this is what it's about You know, me and you, one-on-one.
You know, we never really get to do this.
How you doing, girl? This is amazing.
I mean, I always thought that you could barely tolerate me, but Oh, no.
Now I get it.
You want us to be homies.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
- [Water splashes.]
- Oh, ho! Hey, can you grab that? Uh.
.
Uh, yeah! Y-yeah, you bet! Just toss it.
Okay! Yeah! I-I-in a minute! Dude, just Just toss the ball.
Yeah.
Just toss it, homes.
I [Chuckles.]
I can say it.
It's okay.
All right.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness.
What a splash.
Oh, hey, J-Janine, where you going? Oh, I'm just moving this out of the way, getting ready for the belly-flop contest! - Whoo! - [Laughs.]
Come on, dude.
Just throw the ball.
- Okay.
- [Stammering.]
- Bow.
- Hmm? - What happened the other day? - Oh, hey.
I thought we were finding time for you to volunteer, but then you started crying and drove away.
Yeah, I-I was late Uh, for a funeral.
I thought you were late for work.
Yeah.
It was a work funeral.
That's what happens when you don't have the life/work balance You die at work.
Oh, wow.
That's fascinating.
- Yeah.
- You know what? It would be great if you could find time to talk to the girls about that.
Gosh [Chuckles.]
I'd love to find time.
[Chuckles.]
You know, just like I'd love to find time to do yoga every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and teach my boobs and my blowout to just fsch! swish around at the same time, hand-feed my husband shrimp while he sits on the couch like a sea-god and maybe sign up to lead the girl-power committee meetings to justify my own girl-power-free existence, but, you know, I don't have time to do everything because, unlike you, I work.
I'm a doctor.
I work, too.
I'm actually also a doctor.
Really? Wow.
Okay.
Wow.
Well, what kind of doctor are you? Are you like an acupuncturist or something? A neurosurgeon.
Oh, well, that's that's very fancy.
I make time for my kids and my husband because I like to.
So don't worry about my marriage.
Worry about your own.
My marriage is fine.
Your husband's drowning.
- Dre: Help! - What? [Screaming.]
Oh! Oh! Help! Everyone out of the way! I've got this! [Grunts.]
I see black Jesus! - Dad! - I don't want to die! Excuse me! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Excuse me! - I don't want to die! - Jack: Dad! Dad! Save me, black Jesus! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! - Oh, it's okay.
- Oh! Oh! Okay, baby.
It's okay.
I'm here, baby.
I'm here.
- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, my god.
Thank god.
I was looking for an excuse to get out of here.
Ruby: Get out of the way! - Mama?! - Get out of the way! - Mama! - What?! Get out of the way! - Mama! - Ruby?! What are you doing here?! - H-how did you - Mother's intuition! - How did you - Oh, my god.
Ah! [Whimpers.]
- What were you thinking?! - I wasn't! You know you can't swim! You know your bones are too dense! [Sobs.]
Dre, you could have told me you can't swim.
We have it like that.
Hey, how did you know how to do that? [Sighs.]
I'm sorry, grandma, but I'm a secret boy rover, and I want the whole world to know.
Oh.
And I'm a girl rover.
That casserole's mine! I fanned those beans! Oh, black Jesus, no.
Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh! Mnh.
Boys cooking, girls saving lives.
It's all going higgledy-piggledy! - Jack: Is that even a word? - Rainbow: It's not a word.
I'm glad you saved his life, and I'm glad you know how to fan beans.
- Let's get out of here.
- You're gonna be all right, baby.
[Whimpering.]
Oh, that's my little boy.
Devil, come out! Hey, guys.
Zoey: Hey.
So, you know, you might not have noticed, but I didn't do great today.
Unh.
[Chuckles nervously.]
- Oh, we noticed.
- Oh.
The whole neighborhood noticed.
Okay, look.
I may have been wrong about some of those moms, but I'm not wrong about the fact that there's a lot of people out there who are sending you the wrong messages.
I mean, it's all style over substance.
For god's sake, Kim Kardashian has 10 times more followers than the president! I mean, when I was growing up, people aspired to be something other than popular.
You know, I just don't want how much you like yourself to be based on how many likes you get.
Mom, we'll never be that way.
I mean, I get a ton of likes.
I know, sweetheart.
Like, a ton.
Yeah.
We know, sweetie.
But my role model is someone who doesn't get any likes You.
Wh Wait.
Really? Yeah, mom, you hardly get any likes.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
- Junior: It's sad.
You've tried baby pictures, puppies in boxes, scripture.
Yeah.
Okay.
Do you remember the one time that you just posted the word "Christmas"? - Oh, yeah.
"Christmas.
" - Nothing.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
"Christmas.
" Okay.
I was actually asking more about the role model.
Like, am am I Am I really your role model? Yeah.
You're awesome, mom.
You're a beautiful doctor and amazing mom who takes one for the team every day by staying married to Dad.
- Oh.
- She's not wrong.
The man was hauled out on a child gurney from a neighborhood swim party.
And you know what? Thank god we get to just forget about what happened today! [Laughter.]
- No, we can't - We can't.
Because, unlike you, Blair understands the Internet and she posted your guys' little fail and it's gone viral.
What's [Gasps.]
"Crazy wife ignores drowning husband.
" - My marriage is fine.
- No.
Share.
Like.
Don't do that.
Repost.
There's a remix already.
sa-sa-sa-save me I don't want to di-i-i-e - [Water dripping.]
- [Groans.]
- They remixed it.
- It's Will I be able to see that on my phone? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Can you unlike it? Nope.
[Sighs.]
Can you delete it? Sa-sa-sa-save me! I don't want to die, d-d-die! - [Hip-hop music playing.]
- [Gasping rhythmically.]
Save me, black Jesus Save me, black Jesus Help! Save me, black Jesus I don't want to I-I-I don't want to die - [Gasping rhythmically.]
- Help! - [Gasping rhythmically.]
- Help! Black Jesus No, I don't want to die Black Jesus I-I-I don't want to die [Gasping rhythmically.]
No, I don't want to die Black Jesus I-I-I don't want to die - Save me - Oh! Help! Help! - Save me - Oh! Help, black Jesus I don't want to I-I-I don't want to I-I-I don't want to I-I-I don't want to die [Gasps.]
Baby, come here.
- Oh, my god.
What? - Look here.
- Look at this.
Look at this.
- What? Every Saturday for the past five months, Janine has been throwing a pool party, and don't you think it's weird that she hasn't invited us? Okay, can I get up now? - Sure.
Go.
- Getting up.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, it is weird.
I mean, who wouldn't want an angry, creepy, spying-like-a-hunchback neighbor at their party? Open your eyes, Bow.
We're the only black family on the block.
It's obvious they don't want us in their pool.
Ah.
Whoa.
She's on her way over here.
She's coming over here! Stop acting weird.
I'm stop acting weird! Just go.
- Okay.
Dre - Shh! [Doorbell rings.]
Dre, that's Jack's Highlights.
She doesn't know my interests.
- Hey! Janine! - Hi.
Look, I know it's rude to be stopping by so last minute, but I just realized the most embarrassing thing.
What? Bruce and I have been having these pool parties all season long, and somehow we just never thought to ask you guys.
Oh, Janine, that is so sweet.
Is it okay if people park in front of your house? I Mm-hmm.
- you see? - [Door closes.]
That's exactly what I'm talking about right there! Junior: What's going on? And why are you screaming? And who did my picture puzzler? Oh, so, nobody knows nothing? It just got done on its own? Oh.
Janine doesn't want us in her pool because she probably thinks that we can't swim.
Dre: The reason my beautiful wife is giving me the stink eye [Ding!.]
Is because I just brought up an ugly stereotype that black people can't swim.
And the truth is, there is a legacy of black folks not swimming in America.
During our 300-year-long unpaid internship, we weren't exactly encouraged to take time out for refreshing dips.
Of course, desegregation was a step in the right direction, until white people left the cities for the suburbs, and urban pools where black kids could learn to swim were "coincidentally" Do you feel my air quotes? Defunded, drained, and closed.
Of course, white folks were excited to let us swim in their private pools and country clubs.
I'm kidding.
Didn't happen.
In fact, when Dorothy Dandridge, the Beyoncé of her day, dared to dip her fine foot into a hotel pool, they drained the whole thing.
So, you're mad at Janine because you think she thinks you can't swim, which you can't.
You can't swim? - Well, I - Diane: Hold up.
So, when we're swimming and you're just dangling your feet, reading a book, supposedly life guarding us, is that just for show? Yeah.
He's basically just there to witness your drowning.
Dre: Shut up.
Oh, my god.
Is the book even real? What else can't you do? Hey, Dre, what time is it? Oh.
- 4:15.
- Cool.
This isn't about what I can't do.
It's about principle.
I hope when you're drowning, someone throws you a principle.
- It - Rainbow: [Laughs.]
Babies, shake those juicy legs! We don't want to be late! I don't want to go.
Girl rovers are dumb.
We don't get to do any of the cool stuff the boys do.
Boy rovers have sailing, astronomy, and wood carving! [Chuckling.]
Cool.
But girl rovers have babysitting, manners, an Eating for beauty? What the It's not fair.
Yeah.
What boy wouldn't want to learn how to eat for beauty? Ruby: Now, now, enough of this foolishness.
The rovers have been exemplary organizations since their very beginning.
Well, aside from a few teeny, tiny bumps in the boys' division along the way.
Mm.
- Do we have to go? - Yes.
Boys need to be boys, and girls need to be girls.
Otherwise, it all goes higgledy-piggledy.
[Chuckles.]
Danica Patrick, Ronda Rousey, Wheaties boxes.
Oy! Hey, we really dodged a bullet not getting invited to Janine's.
You know the school mom mafia is gonna be there? - Mm.
- What a nightmare.
Those women are always lurking around school like they have nowhere else to be.
You know I got accosted at drop-off today? All right, guys, bye.
I love you.
- Bye.
Oh, my goodness.
Hi.
- [Knock on window.]
Bow! Oh! [Laughs.]
Oh, okay.
You want to talk to me.
Hi.
Bow, sign up for the Mommy mentors? Sign up! Once a week with the graduating girls.
Can I put you down for lunch on Wednesdays? I can't.
I got to work.
How about after school Tuesdays? Working.
You can't make time for the girls? - Oh, well - When don't you work? Well, I can't check right now because I am late for work, so You seem really stressed.
Yeah.
- You should come to yoga with us.
- Yeah! We go Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Tuesdays, we do aerial silks.
- Well, I would, but I - You have to work? Uh, yes, I have to work.
So, just watch your toes.
I-I'm late, so I got to go.
I'm gonna r Maybe next time? I'm gonna run them over.
I mean, they're terrible role models who do nothing at all.
It it took everything in my power not to just, like, drive back and forth over their nasty, little yoga bodies and hear the crunch of their little quinoa bones.
Oh, crispy! Yoga.
I hear it really curbs murderous rage.
You should go.
Thank god our kids have their heads on straight, right? 'Cause we're good role models.
I'm a great role model.
You're terrifying.
What [Gasps.]
Yeah, yeah! I did it.
Nothing feels better than finishing your homework, right, my smart girl? Oh, no.
I made my goal.
My gofundme campaign for a Chanel backpack is fully funded.
Wait.
What do you mean? Strangers are giving you money to buy a backpack? Well, not strangers, mom.
Most of them are boys from my history class.
Why are boys from your history class giving you money? Because I asked for it.
No, sweetheart, that's not right.
No.
If you want something, you got to work for it.
I did.
I crafted a targeted request, set a goal, and posted a really persuasive profile pic.
Look at that.
"Where them dollars at?" Oh, my god! Okay, no.
So, you're basically begging.
Mom, that's the ecosystem.
I give girls stuff, and they don't recoil when I say hello.
- Mm.
- Fair exchange.
No.
That's insane.
[Stammers.]
I didn't raise you to be a lady of leisure who takes aerial silk classes four days a week.
- I love aerial silk! - [Sighs.]
We should start a campaign for that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What what is wrong with you guys? Wow.
I'm sorry I'm a self-starting entrepreneur who knows her market.
And sorry I'm a generous young man who appreciates girls and helps them attain their dreams.
These do not sound like real apologies, guys.
Why would you want to be invited to this woman's party, Dre? [Chuckling.]
It's not like you can swim.
I don't know why I'm surprised that you would assume that, but why would you assume that? It's science, Dre.
Your bones are denser.
You would sink like a stone.
Mm.
Offensive and completely untrue.
So, you can swim.
- No.
- [Sighs.]
Zingo! 20 bucks.
Pay up.
Come on, Dre.
- That's 20 bucks I didn't have yesterday.
- Unbelievable.
Daphne, what about you? Can you swim? "Can't swim" is harsh.
I prefer, "none of your damn business.
" Oh.
Josh, look up your black contacts.
- Tell me how many of them can swim.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Okay, well, Dre is a no, and that's it.
Daphne won't give me her number.
Very conclusive.
It's science, Dre.
Whatever.
Dre, let's not assume this is racial.
There are a lot of reasons why they might not invite you.
Maybe they just don't like you.
Hmm.
I haven't known you that long, and I'm struggling.
You are a strong cup of tea.
In what way? Daphne: You're loud and self-centered.
You wear too much Cologne.
You take up two parking spaces.
You throw out your fish lunch in the conference-room trash.
And you bleed easily.
You touch every donut before you pick one.
If by "one," you mean "three.
" Oh, I mean six.
- [Both laugh.]
- Guys, guys, guys, stop.
Thank you.
Let's get this on the whiteboard so we won't forget our favorites.
- Oh, good call.
- On it.
You know what? A lot of hilarious things were said in jest, but this is a race thing.
There's another one Uh, "won't back down.
" - Number two - "won't back down.
" Got it.
Thinks everything's always racial.
- There you go.
- Lots of race.
That should be one, actually, I think, don't you? - Yeah, put that to one.
- So, that one goes to one.
- That goes to three.
- I like that.
- What's two? Parking spaces.
- Two parking spaces.
Parking spaces.
Likes pudding too much.
They weren't wrong about that last one.
And I was right about Janine I just needed proof, so I went straight to the source.
May I help you? M-m-may you help me? Janine, it's Dre From across the street.
I've been your neighbor for 11 years.
Dre! Yes, of course.
Hi.
Yeah.
I know you.
Hi! Yes.
Of course.
You are my unique neighbor, Dre.
Bruce, honey, stand down.
So, to what do I owe this delightful, unannounced nighttime visit? Well, you know, Janine, I'm gonna keep it all the way real with you.
[Weakly.]
Okay.
Can you explain to me why you've never invited us to any of your pool parties? Wow, um Okay, Dre, this Well, this is kind of uncomfortable, um, but in the spirit of keeping it all the way real Mm-hmm.
We thought you didn't like us.
Wh-what? [Chuckling.]
J-J-Janine, no.
Where where would you get that silly, silly idea? You drive home with your lights off, I once heard you and Rainbow trashing me over our baby monitor, and one time, you accidentally sent me an e-mail where the subject line was, "I don't like Janine.
" Uh Janine.
I think you're taking all of that stuff out of context, hmm? Uh, all right.
All right, great.
Then I'm happy you guys are gonna come.
Awesome.
All right.
You will be the hit of the belly-flop contest.
[Both laugh.]
That is, if you swim.
Uh You do swim, right? Of course.
Of course I swim.
Yeah? Right? I know.
I know.
I-I ask everybody that.
I just "do you swim?" [Stammers.]
Right.
Just like I ask everybody to, um, sign a liability waiver, so bring a pen.
I will see you in the pool! See you in the pool! [Chuckles nervously.]
Probably at the bottom.
So, we have to spend our Saturday with people that we don't like so that you can prove to someone whose opinion you don't care about that you can swim? Which, might I remind you, you cannot.
- For now, all right? - [Sighs.]
So, shh.
I've got to buckle down if I'm gonna learn to swim in a week.
I basically got this.
It's just this, this, this, and [Slurps.]
this, this, this, and [Slurps.]
- sounds great.
- Got it.
You know what? I'm gonna tell that to the coroner.
- Huh? - Yeah, I'm gonna say, "you know what? I don't know.
" He just did this and this and this [Slurps.]
and this and "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Okay.
Okay, Bow, enough.
- [Imitates choking.]
- I got it.
I'm good.
You're not gonna try it in the pool? - No.
- Oh.
Does Usain Bolt take to the track before a race? I'm pretty sure he does, yeah.
Oh, poor baby.
Oh.
Really? You need to do some research because right now, you sound like a fool.
I think you need to take some proper lessons because the whole Internet-learning thing hasn't worked out that well for you, Dre.
Big Todd: Thanks for joining me.
I'm big Todd, and this week we're gonna learn How to change your own propane tank.
How to change your own propane tank.
Now, first, safety, safety, safety.
That's how we do it.
By turning the valve screw clockwise.
[Explosion.]
[Helicopter blades whirring, sirens wailing.]
It wouldn't kill me to take a lesson.
Yeah.
Dre: So, I hired the best swim coach in town to give me a lesson, and I nailed it.
So, I'm close, right? Dre, I teach profoundly disabled toddlers, and I've never seen anyone more ill-equipped or less likely to improve.
You should never be near water.
I recommend you drain your pool and drink from small cups.
I mean, I beg you to listen to me.
Your children they need you around.
Wow.
Seems like a rather odd graduation speech.
So, this is how you do an estar stopper knot Good for tying up a boat or a hostage.
Neither is going anywhere.
[Oven dings.]
Ooh, my casserole's ready.
Awesome.
Ruby: Ooh! Something smells good! - [Both gasp.]
- [Door closes.]
Hello, my babies! Hi, grandma.
Look at my delicious casserole I made for girl rovers.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
And my delicious knot I made for boy rovers.
Oh, look how nice.
[Inhales deeply.]
Doesn't it feel good to stand firmly within the Lane the lord gave you? So, Saturday was pool day, and I showed up with a purpose.
Why do we have to be here? We don't even like them.
Hey, hey, this isn't about liking people or having fun, all right? It's about putting to rest some very ugly stereotypes.
So no watermelon.
All right? If anybody asks you if you're hungry, you say, "point me to the hummus.
" Hummus.
Oh, hey, everybody, the Johnsons are here! If anybody asks, you signed a waiver.
- Hey! - Hey, Janine.
Rainbow: Thanks for having us.
I'm so glad you guys could make it.
My sister made you a casserole.
Oh, Diane, I love it.
I love how the green beans on top make a fan.
Took Me Forever! - [Light laughter.]
- Really, dude? That's how you want to play this? Janine, so, uh, where do I sign up for the belly-flop contest, huh? Because like I say, "it's not a party until my tummy is red.
" [Laughs.]
That's a weird party slogan, but okay! Let's go.
[Chuckles.]
Ugh.
Poor Blair.
I feel so bad for her.
She's got to feed her husband shrimp and serve him drinks.
- She looks so - Happy? Uh no, she is not happy.
She looks happy.
She looks amazing.
Well, that's 'cause it's her job to look amazing.
She's really good at her job of looking happy and amazing.
I wouldn't mind that job.
You would be really good at that job.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
That is not a job.
Ladies of leisure are not fulfilled.
I am fulfilled, which is what makes me happy.
- You don't look happy.
- What You look angry.
Deep down, I'm happy, all right? Like, "end of a long day, go to bed" happy.
But she's happy now When she's awake.
[Scoffs.]
[Sighs.]
You guys do not get it.
You made this all by yourself? It looks so complicated.
Oh, not really.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh.
Then tell us how you did it.
Did you sauté the onions perfectly? Did you zest the lemons until your knuckles bled? Did you sacrifice everything Everything For this casserole? Yeah.
[Giggles.]
Great job.
Let's eat.
Janine: Dre! Whoo! Ooh.
Hey.
Enjoying the pool? Oh, yeah! You know, I-I-I love swimming.
Well, don't let me stop you.
Go.
Get in the game! Oh, well, you know, I can play anytime, you know? But this is what it's about You know, me and you, one-on-one.
You know, we never really get to do this.
How you doing, girl? This is amazing.
I mean, I always thought that you could barely tolerate me, but Oh, no.
Now I get it.
You want us to be homies.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
- [Water splashes.]
- Oh, ho! Hey, can you grab that? Uh.
.
Uh, yeah! Y-yeah, you bet! Just toss it.
Okay! Yeah! I-I-in a minute! Dude, just Just toss the ball.
Yeah.
Just toss it, homes.
I [Chuckles.]
I can say it.
It's okay.
All right.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness.
What a splash.
Oh, hey, J-Janine, where you going? Oh, I'm just moving this out of the way, getting ready for the belly-flop contest! - Whoo! - [Laughs.]
Come on, dude.
Just throw the ball.
- Okay.
- [Stammering.]
- Bow.
- Hmm? - What happened the other day? - Oh, hey.
I thought we were finding time for you to volunteer, but then you started crying and drove away.
Yeah, I-I was late Uh, for a funeral.
I thought you were late for work.
Yeah.
It was a work funeral.
That's what happens when you don't have the life/work balance You die at work.
Oh, wow.
That's fascinating.
- Yeah.
- You know what? It would be great if you could find time to talk to the girls about that.
Gosh [Chuckles.]
I'd love to find time.
[Chuckles.]
You know, just like I'd love to find time to do yoga every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and teach my boobs and my blowout to just fsch! swish around at the same time, hand-feed my husband shrimp while he sits on the couch like a sea-god and maybe sign up to lead the girl-power committee meetings to justify my own girl-power-free existence, but, you know, I don't have time to do everything because, unlike you, I work.
I'm a doctor.
I work, too.
I'm actually also a doctor.
Really? Wow.
Okay.
Wow.
Well, what kind of doctor are you? Are you like an acupuncturist or something? A neurosurgeon.
Oh, well, that's that's very fancy.
I make time for my kids and my husband because I like to.
So don't worry about my marriage.
Worry about your own.
My marriage is fine.
Your husband's drowning.
- Dre: Help! - What? [Screaming.]
Oh! Oh! Help! Everyone out of the way! I've got this! [Grunts.]
I see black Jesus! - Dad! - I don't want to die! Excuse me! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Excuse me! - I don't want to die! - Jack: Dad! Dad! Save me, black Jesus! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! - Oh, it's okay.
- Oh! Oh! Okay, baby.
It's okay.
I'm here, baby.
I'm here.
- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, my god.
Thank god.
I was looking for an excuse to get out of here.
Ruby: Get out of the way! - Mama?! - Get out of the way! - Mama! - What?! Get out of the way! - Mama! - Ruby?! What are you doing here?! - H-how did you - Mother's intuition! - How did you - Oh, my god.
Ah! [Whimpers.]
- What were you thinking?! - I wasn't! You know you can't swim! You know your bones are too dense! [Sobs.]
Dre, you could have told me you can't swim.
We have it like that.
Hey, how did you know how to do that? [Sighs.]
I'm sorry, grandma, but I'm a secret boy rover, and I want the whole world to know.
Oh.
And I'm a girl rover.
That casserole's mine! I fanned those beans! Oh, black Jesus, no.
Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh! Mnh.
Boys cooking, girls saving lives.
It's all going higgledy-piggledy! - Jack: Is that even a word? - Rainbow: It's not a word.
I'm glad you saved his life, and I'm glad you know how to fan beans.
- Let's get out of here.
- You're gonna be all right, baby.
[Whimpering.]
Oh, that's my little boy.
Devil, come out! Hey, guys.
Zoey: Hey.
So, you know, you might not have noticed, but I didn't do great today.
Unh.
[Chuckles nervously.]
- Oh, we noticed.
- Oh.
The whole neighborhood noticed.
Okay, look.
I may have been wrong about some of those moms, but I'm not wrong about the fact that there's a lot of people out there who are sending you the wrong messages.
I mean, it's all style over substance.
For god's sake, Kim Kardashian has 10 times more followers than the president! I mean, when I was growing up, people aspired to be something other than popular.
You know, I just don't want how much you like yourself to be based on how many likes you get.
Mom, we'll never be that way.
I mean, I get a ton of likes.
I know, sweetheart.
Like, a ton.
Yeah.
We know, sweetie.
But my role model is someone who doesn't get any likes You.
Wh Wait.
Really? Yeah, mom, you hardly get any likes.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
- Junior: It's sad.
You've tried baby pictures, puppies in boxes, scripture.
Yeah.
Okay.
Do you remember the one time that you just posted the word "Christmas"? - Oh, yeah.
"Christmas.
" - Nothing.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
"Christmas.
" Okay.
I was actually asking more about the role model.
Like, am am I Am I really your role model? Yeah.
You're awesome, mom.
You're a beautiful doctor and amazing mom who takes one for the team every day by staying married to Dad.
- Oh.
- She's not wrong.
The man was hauled out on a child gurney from a neighborhood swim party.
And you know what? Thank god we get to just forget about what happened today! [Laughter.]
- No, we can't - We can't.
Because, unlike you, Blair understands the Internet and she posted your guys' little fail and it's gone viral.
What's [Gasps.]
"Crazy wife ignores drowning husband.
" - My marriage is fine.
- No.
Share.
Like.
Don't do that.
Repost.
There's a remix already.
sa-sa-sa-save me I don't want to di-i-i-e - [Water dripping.]
- [Groans.]
- They remixed it.
- It's Will I be able to see that on my phone? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Can you unlike it? Nope.
[Sighs.]
Can you delete it? Sa-sa-sa-save me! I don't want to die, d-d-die! - [Hip-hop music playing.]
- [Gasping rhythmically.]
Save me, black Jesus Save me, black Jesus Help! Save me, black Jesus I don't want to I-I-I don't want to die - [Gasping rhythmically.]
- Help! - [Gasping rhythmically.]
- Help! Black Jesus No, I don't want to die Black Jesus I-I-I don't want to die [Gasping rhythmically.]
No, I don't want to die Black Jesus I-I-I don't want to die - Save me - Oh! Help! Help! - Save me - Oh! Help, black Jesus I don't want to I-I-I don't want to I-I-I don't want to I-I-I don't want to die [Gasps.]