Black-ish (2014) s02e17 Episode Script

1 [Epic music plays.]
Diane: Sports.
Who plays them? Who watches them? Who cares? Every weekend, millions of American families waste hours upon hours of their lives watching untalented children play games that don't matter.
And one of those kids who doesn't matter is Jack Johnson.
He's the subject of this documentary because he's my brother.
Diane: Whew! Now, what's this for again? Well, me and Jack have to do these biography projects about each other.
What do you think? Well, I think you're gonna get a much better grade than your brother.
I hate chips.
How many more of these do I have to do? How many more mikes are you gonna blow out eating those Cheetos? Honestly, I really just have one more question.
Mm-hmm.
So, when did you lose your way? Pardon me? Your way when was it lost? - Yeah, just hit me - - [Afrika Bambaataa's "Planet Rock" plays.]
- Jack: When I'm on the court, it's just me and the ball and, of course, my patented Jack Attack.
- [Sneezes.]
- Do what you want but scream [Indistinct shouting.]
In your face! Look at that! What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do? Oh! Oh! I taught him that! Rainbow: Do I get pumped for the games? Absolutely! I mean, I hate it when they wipe their hands on the bottoms of their shoes, but I'm having a blast! [Laughs.]
Yeah! Yeah! Dre: Sure we're enthusiastic.
But not like these parents who live vicariously through their kids.
There you go, son! Take it! Take it! Take it! Oh! In your face! Aah! Most of my children's athletic abilities have been watered down by Bow's white daddy.
But the Caucasian Curse skipped over Jack.
How should I put this humbly? The brother is the truth! You gotta rock it, pop it 'cause it's the century - [Screaming.]
- Jack is so good, we decided we had to support him as a family.
I hate that we have to support Jack as a family.
I mean, there are so many things I'd rather do uh, learn to use chopsticks, elective toe surgery, - watch an episode of "Girls.
" - [Cellphone ringing.]
Oh.
Oh.
This is Derek.
Hey, Derek.
Oh, nothing.
Just some stupid documentary my weirdo little sister begged me to do.
Diane: Covering the lens doesn't make it less hurtful.
Rainbow: I'll be honest.
Being Jack's mom has its perks.
I never have to bring snacks.
We bring Jack and the W's.
- Ah! - [Whistle blows.]
Ref, you suck! He carried! He's 8! Never too young to learn the rules, sir! My dynamic with my dad is one of the things that makes me so suited to be a ref.
I've practically been training my whole life to have people who are loud and wrong yell at me.
I've built up a callus.
Rainbow: You're a stickler, ref! [Whistle tweets.]
Everybody thinks reffing's a joke.
- [Buzzer.]
- - You put on these stripes, - and people look at you differently.
Diane: Like you work at Lady Foot Locker.
Are you supposed to be talking during this? You think it's an easy gig, throwing a jump ball perfectly in the air, then not being there? It's a ghost move.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
All right, here we go! Here we go! Huddle up! Bow your heads.
Father God, we give you the glory for this win.
We praise Jack for his 3-pointers [chuckles.]
and Ethan for crashing the boards.
Amen.
Hallelujah.
We also want to thank you for smiting clumsy Colin with influenza.
May he recover after the playoffs.
One, two, three.
- Kids: Amen! - Ruby: Hallelujah! Let's go get them! I'm not going to see this on eBay, am I? - Ah, Marcus! Hey, man.
- Hey.
Haven't seen you in a while.
What What happened? Your son quit? - Oh, not a chance.
- Hmm.
William actually got real serious about his game started training privately.
Now he's playing travel ball out of Compton.
- [Chuckles.]
- Hmm.
- [Buzzer.]
- Diane: The reason my father has that dumb look on his face is because he just realized he sucks as a dad.
Travel ball is for people who take themselves way too seriously.
[Sighs.]
Some act like it's the NBA for kids.
Some of the biggest names in the game came up through this system Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, LeBron! Diane: It's a giant industry filled with player rankings, national tournaments, and corporate sponsors.
Keep in mind this is all built around a game children play at recess.
You know, you got to play travel ball if you're considering college or the pros.
- Yeah.
- Uh, how many K's are in wishes? Right now we're considering repeating the third grade.
Ah.
Clearly.
It's nice for Jack to be a big fish in a small pond.
[Stammers.]
We've got to get our thoroughbred out of that garbage league.
I thought we were happy where everybody knows and adores me.
- What? - I-I mean us.
I mean Jack.
Don't you think he's a little bit young to yank him out of his comfort zone? I just want Jack to have the same shot that Willie Montgomery's getting.
Slow-ass Willie Montgomery is playing big-boy ball in the hood, and our son is in the boo-boo league? - Well - Nuh-unh! Dre, go.
Make the move right now.
Pull the trigger.
- Okay.
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Diane: And that's how huge, life-altering decisions get made in our family Pride, nonsense, and petty jealousy.
- Diane: The thing about being a bad parent - - is you end up working harder - to make up for being such a failure.
But my dad doesn't work harder.
He just works louder.
Not one spot? Come on, man.
My kid's got to play travel ball.
Can't you cut the kid with the fat ankles? Hello? Oh! So you like losing? Hello? I will kill you! I will put you in a ditch! I Hello? Oh, you still there.
I will end you! I If Jack plays in Compton, I'll have an even bigger platform to show off my moves! [Whistle blowing rhythmically.]
Junior! I'm FaceTiming Derek.
Can you please stop blowing that whistle? Hmm.
I don't know, Zoey.
Can a bird stop flying? Of course a bird can stop flying! Have you ever seen a bird? It spends half of its time perched.
- Zoey: He is my brother.
- [Whistle blowing.]
Well, allegedly.
There's a chance I'm Rick Fox's daughter.
I'll know for sure when I get some of his hair off the Internet.
I'd almost given up.
And then I remembered my client State Farm Insurance because they love helping the community and I love helping me.
And after one quick meeting Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there to sponsor a team of deserving 8-year-olds.
Diane: And that's how the State Farm Good Neighbors were born.
Go, Neighbs! [Whistle blows.]
Wow, this is incredible! Uh-huh.
Jack, basketball is religion.
And this this is church, all right? The holy Mecca of hoops it starts and stops right here.
There's nothing else that matters, all right? This is the alpha and the omega.
Dad, if you knew all of this, why was I playing in Sherman Oaks? That's what I said, honey.
Hey, hey, son, doesn't matter.
You're here right now, okay? These fools aren't ready for my Jack Attack.
Ha ha! Finally, an arena worthy of my skills.
Yeah, that's right, son.
Here in Compton, you play with the big boys, brothers from South Central, Inglewood, Watts.
And, uh, apparently across the street.
I-Isn't that Janine's son? Hey.
- What? - Caleb.
Right there.
What do I like most about travel ball? It's the cross-cultural exchange.
Boop! [Chuckles.]
[Rapping.]
Why you mad 'cause I bossed up? Got you leaning like you sauced up.
You reach, I teach, you get crossed up.
Dre: I don't see any exchange, just rich white kids sucking up our swag.
Cultural co-opting is on another level these days.
Diane: To be fair, basketball was invented by a white dude.
It's our game! Bow? Dre? - What are you guys doing here?! - Shut up! No, no, Janine, what are you doing here? Dre, this is the Mecca.
Everybody in basketball knows that this is where it starts and stops.
This is the alpha and the omega.
- It is the Hoopville - Hey, hey, hey, get that camera out of my face! Get that camera out of my face! If these boards could talk, they'd tell the story of all the great referees.
[Whistle blows.]
I hear a thousand ancient whistles ringing in my ear.
Diane: That's because there's a game going on! Ruby: Not his fault.
[Chuckles.]
The boy's the product of too much quinoa [chuckles.]
whatever that is and not enough wholesome, Lawry's-seasoned meats.
[Scoffs.]
I don't want to be here, Derek.
Yeah.
They just drag me.
Uh, yeah.
I-I miss you so much.
Uh, I'll call you back.
Rainbow: Hi there.
Hi.
[Chuckles.]
Oops.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Jack's mom.
I'm just gonna call you "Snack Mom" - because I don't know who that is, so - Oh.
Oka Okay, um There's sort of a team mom hierarchy, so [whispering.]
I'll just let that one slide.
Diane: So, what do you like most about the move? I love that these paid coaches play to win.
- Coach Jerry very intense, - as opposed to some of the knuckleheads we put up with in rec ball, - like "in-it-for-the-moms-coach," - - always looking for a way to score, - - and "grown -man baby coach" - - [Squealing.]
- Oh, my God! Time-out! What was that? Y-You know what? Never mind.
I don't even care.
Do what you want to do.
You guys do what You You know better than me.
Put yourself in.
I don't care.
Go! Don't look at me.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I love being able to play basketball and make new friends, like this kid Adonis Culpepper.
I'm not here to make friends.
Basketball is my way out my family's way out.
Drip, drip, drop Kick it, Kevin Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dropping dimes, dropping dimes And my parents got me some new shoes.
[Sighs.]
Dead stock, never touched ground before.
I cut these down from a power line.
[Whistle blows.]
- Woman: Come on, Adonis.
Let's go! - All right, all right, here we go! - There we go! - Pass it to Jack! - Yes! Yes! - There you go! That's right! That's my son! - Oh! Oh! That's my boy! That's my son! - Oh, take it to the hole! - Oh! - [Crowd groans.]
Rainbow: Okay.
[Laughs wickedly.]
[Chuckles nervously.]
So, um snacks.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, anything I need to know? 'Cause I'm gonna bring them.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna surprise ya.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
- Diane: This is one of the most - - powerful documentary techniques - a slow push on a sad face.
We are now seeing the dark side of youth sports.
Can I get a tear? Why would I cry? Diane: Because you were really bad today, friend, really bad.
[Sniffles.]
There it is.
[Singsong voice.]
Money.
Big news I get to actually ref a game tomorrow.
This is the first step toward joining the ranks of the real heroes of sport Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford, Steve Javie, Richard Steele, and soon Junior "The Law" Johnson.
- Dre: Hey.
Hey.
- [Jack moaning.]
Hey, wake up, buddy.
Come on.
We got work to do.
- But it's so early.
- Sleep is for the weak, which is how you played yesterday.
Now, come on, man.
I only got five days to turn you into the Black Mamba.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
[Groaning.]
[Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" plays.]
Go! Go! Come on! Come on! Go, boy! Go! Go! One more! One more! - [Buzzer.]
- Diane: Nope.
Not doing the training montage.
We've all seen "Rocky," so you know what happens.
He runs.
He jumps.
He chases a chicken.
[Sighs.]
We're going to show you the montage Hollywood doesn't have the courage to show you periphery characters.
[Rap music plays.]
Hey, how are you? Oh, no Yeah.
I'll see you soon.
You heard of us, the murderous, most shady Been on the low lately, the feds hate me I've decided on gazpacho because it's healthy and refreshing, and it's the king of soups.
Ruby: She said king of soup? [Scoffs.]
Kind of salsa.
Sch.
- [Basketball bouncing.]
- Dre: Jack and I shored up his fundamentals and had some real talk.
He's got the killer instinct now.
My handles are kind of ridiculous.
I'm ready to do this.
I'm always ready because I'm always hungry literally.
I hope I get to guard Jack again, and I hope there's some scouts here to see me, yo.
The struggle is real.
I can't wait to see what snacks Jack's mom brings.
Oh, trust me you can wait.
Rainbow: Hello, everybody! I've got yummy gazpacho! "Ga"-what? "Ga-sgusting.
" Okay.
All right, Ruby.
There you go.
Enjoy! Aww.
[Chuckles.]
Would you like one? This would be so much better with some chips.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, no.
You don't eat gazpacho with chips.
Junior: This was my moment, The Big Show.
[Crowd goes silent.]
Too many one-arm push-ups.
[Whistle blows.]
- [Buzzer.]
- What is going on?! Come on! Zoey: No one has any idea what I do.
I mean, you have good grades, and you stay under the trouble radar.
The guy he's 19.
Nobody knows.
Diane: Dude's in college? Nope.
He's a junior in high school.
He's a double holdback for sports.
He can vote.
Doesn't, but could.
[Cheers and applause.]
- [Buzzer.]
- - [Buzzer.]
- Come on.
Vitamin-packed refreshment, anyone? You look like you want one.
Take one! Okay.
[Stammers.]
Have you ever had gazpacho? Boom! - This is about "we.
" We're a team.
- Boom! - We're a unit.
- Coach, um, why isn't my son playing? That's not who we need right now, all right? Can I holla at you for a second? Please can you just put him in for a couple of minutes so he can prove himself, man? Please?! Come on, coach.
There's got to be something you need.
Disneyland passes? Tacos? Clipper tickets? Come on, man, please! Please! I'll put you in my prayers at night.
What you think about that, Coach?! Huh?! Your move, sucka! Yeah! What you gonna do now?! - [Crowd chanting indistinctly.]
- Coach: Push it.
Push it.
[Whistle blows.]
[Crowd chanting "Let's go".]
- [Rhythmic clapping and foot-stomping.]
- [Cheering.]
No subs, Jerry! We're trying to win this game! Dre: Hey, hey, there you go, Jack! Jack: Hey, hey, pass! Here we go, Jack! Let's go, son! All right, hand off to a guard.
Okay.
Ugh! - Ohh! - Come on! Oh, get up, baby.
Where's the foul, ref?! Jack: Oh! Come on, man! Can we get at least one call?! Ohh! Oh! Oh! Excuse me.
Hey, son, come on.
Come on, son.
Come on.
Get up.
Walk it off, Jack.
Come on.
You can do it.
Walk it off.
Sub! Sub?! Sub?! I did not pay for you to sub! Coach, get your parent under control! Hey, hey, you get under control! That's a technical on The Good Neighbors! You're out of here! But, um, don't go home yet.
[Whispering.]
You're my ride.
- Diane: So, your way - - when was it lost? - Let me help you out.
I've identified 13 places where you may have lost it.
I'm just asking you to narrow it down.
Okay.
What you think about that, coach, huh?! I will kill you! I will put you in a ditch! Come on! Go, boy! Go! [Key clacks.]
This interview is over.
[Stammers.]
Ugh.
I've really got to get a wireless.
All I wanted was for our boy to have fun and shine.
But he doesn't seem like he's having any fun, Dre, and he damn sure isn't shining.
You know, then maybe I need to push him harder.
Bigger tires, faster chickens.
- That's - No, no, no, no.
To what end, Dre? I mean, seriously.
What do you think, he's going to the NBA? Not with this work ethic.
And, Bow, this is bigger than basketball.
- Okay.
- All right? I-I want Jack to know that he can compete in life.
- That makes sense.
- I want to raise a kid that can take a hit and get back up, not lay down and stay down.
I'm not raising a quitter.
I did, and you're doing it wrong.
- What - What are you talking about? I let you quit damn near everything you tried.
I quit! I quit! I quit.
I quit.
I quit! I quit! I quit.
I quit! You quit a lot of [bleep.]
son.
Mm-hmm.
And I knew you weren't gonna be, what, a great musician or a great thinker or a politician, pro basketball player, trapeze artist for that matter - Ma! - ballerina - Ma! - Ballerina? Oh.
That was a horrible, what you let me do.
Dre, please.
If I hadn't let you quit so much, you never would have found the one thing you weren't terrible at.
- That does makes sense.
- Mm-hmm.
- Really? - What? You're gonna bump heads on everything except my failures? Dre, as much as I love disagreeing with your mom, your failure is undeniable.
I mean, if you had not failed at your ridiculous stand-up dream, you never would have realized your real talent as an adman.
- Okay.
- [Laughs.]
Telling bad jokes for no living! [Laughs.]
Ohh.
[Both laugh.]
I'm sorry, baby.
Yeah.
This isn't representative of their true dynamic.
The camera changes people and it adds weight.
Look, the bottom line is, if Jack doesn't want to play, then don't make him play.
You're doing this for you, not him.
Okay.
Rainbow: I'll be honest.
I wanted Jack to quit.
I mean, I did not like those people.
I was done cooking for them.
[Scoffs.]
Hey, what did you cook? It was chunky V8, and you know it.
[Scoffs.]
Dre: Ah.
Working out some issues? Nah.
Just finishing my project.
I remembered Diane also likes s'mores, so - [Buzzer.]
- - Look here, son, - I know you've had a hard time I suck big time.
I'm not nearly as good as you thought.
Look, maybe I push you because I never had any notable success of my own in this area, so - I know.
- Hey.
If you want to go back to rec league or not play at all, I'm cool with it.
I get it.
I just want you to know that I'm proud of you no matter what you do, all right? Okay.
Cool.
But I want to go back to Compton.
Boy, did you leave your shoes there? Because if you did, you're not getting new ones.
No.
Dad, if I want to be the best, I have to play the best.
I look at Adonis, and I want to be that kid.
I'm gonna get better, and I'm gonna be one of those kids who deserves to be there.
That's right.
Dre: So, maybe I had lost my way, but fortunately Jack hadn't lost his.
Quitting? He was talking about quitting? I mean, I love the guy, but he's not my role model.
You'll be happy to know I'm not quitting, either.
Please do.
Or at least ref elsewhere because this is a conflict of my personal interest, boy, okay? Just know this, Dad without rules, [whispering.]
there is no game.
You're my one hope, buddy.
Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dre: Son, you tripped over your own shoelaces! Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Yes! Yes! Dropping dimes, dropping dimes [Indistinct rapping.]
It can be a little bit acidic.
I don't want to boast but I'm dropping dimes from coast to coast Dropping dimes everywhere Like I just don't care I'm dropping dimes on the bike, on the stairs Boy I'm even dropping dimes on my teddy bear Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dropping dimes, dropping dimes Dropping dimes, dropping dimes