Black-ish (2014) s02e19 Episode Script
The Leftovers
1 Guys! Get in here! Come on! We're watching a movie! What are we watching? I'll give you one hint.
Nants ingonyama Bagithi baba Sithi uhmm ingonyama - "The Lion King"? - Mm-hmm.
We love it, but we've seen it so many times.
Nants ingonyama Bagithi baba Wha Whatever.
It's the movie That was chosen this week.
Okay.
Thanks a lot, Jack.
Wait.
Don't look at me.
I wanted to watch "Think Like a Man".
Kevin Hart's hello to the world.
- Then who picked this? - [Dre chuckles.]
It doesn't matter who picked this emotionally stirring, richly drawn animated Disney classic.
- Okay? - All right.
But we're not fast-forwarding through the part where Mufasa dies.
- Wait, what? - [Gasps.]
Oh, Diane.
He dies?! Why else you think we always skip that part? I thought you were fast-forwarding through lion sex.
Nope dead dad.
- Wha - Stomped out by wildebeests.
Okay, okay.
Sweetheart, come on.
It's all about the circle of life.
Simba moves on, and he finds comfort and protection from a friendly warthog and a rascally ferret.
- Hmm? - Meerkat.
Okay.
So Timon the meerkat gives him comfort and protection.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
You disgust me.
You know what I think would lift everyone's spirits? "Ex Machina".
Of course.
The story of a genius who built a hot, naked robot - Rainbow: Oh! - programmed to do anything he tells her.
[Sighs.]
Maybe I should watch that alone.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Not really kid-friendly.
So wait, who's going to be our warthog and meerkat if you guys die? I Uh Sweetheart, your dad and I are gonna be here for a long, long, long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Son.
Hakuna matata.
No worries.
Give me that popcorn.
Let me put some butter on it.
Uh, Bow? - Can I see you a sec? Mm-hmm.
- Rainbow: Okay.
Oh, my God.
What happens to them if we die? I don't know.
We gotta matata.
Oh, we got a lot of matatas.
Dre: So, Bow and I didn't have a legal guardian for our kids.
That called for immediate action.
[Sighs.]
Ahh.
Ahh.
- More tequila? - Yes.
I can still feel my face.
Mnh.
[Sighs.]
How did we not handle this? I don't know.
Didn't we talk to our accountant when Zoey was born? You mean your accountant, James Brown? James: So, in the event of your deaths, little Zoey here should become a ward of the state.
All the tax benefits? Astronomical.
You little cute, little thing.
Do you want to be raised in the system? [Baby cries.]
Come on, now.
Shamon.
- All right.
Don't worry about it.
- Ohh, ohh, ohh.
First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call a lawyer up, and I'm gonna let them know that we're leaving our kids with my family.
Wait.
Your family? Mm-hmm.
Why not my family? Because they're our children and we love them? What's that supposed to mean? Your parents raised you in a cult.
Wha And I'm not gonna let them raise my kids on a bus powered by human poo.
[Ding!.]
That bus produces 30% less emissions than a diesel-powered bus.
You know what else it produces? What? Pinkeye.
Your mama stays with it.
[Ding!.]
You know what? The obvious choice is my mama.
Over my dead body! Dre, there is no way in hell.
Can you imagine what would happen to our children if they were raised by that crazy lady? [Snakes rattling.]
Do you believe? Kids: We believe! - Do you believe? - We believe! I praise, I praise, I praise God Okay.
We'll leave them with Pops.
He's worse than your mom! - What?! - Dre, he's always disappearing.
The kids would be, like, wondering if he's even alive.
I mean In fact, is he even alive? - Yes, he is alive! - Prove it.
Prove it, Dre.
Prove that he is still alive! I'll prove it to you right now.
Uh-huh.
I'm calling him right now.
- Put it on speaker phone.
- Hey.
[Line clicks.]
Hey, Pops! Man: [Speaking Arabic.]
Earl Johnson.
[Gunshot.]
[Cellphone beeps.]
He's Sh-Should Should we be worried? Okay.
Maybe not Pops.
But we're definitely not leaving them with your sister.
She literally said she hates children in front of our children.
Fine.
Then we're nixing your sister just out of spite for the fact that you nixed mine.
Ha! I still have a brother and June Bug.
[Laughing.]
Oh, God, Dre.
You mean San Quentin and Folsom.
You love them.
If I want to do a smash and grab! - Whatever.
I'm calling June Bug.
- Fine.
You know what? - Take that.
- Yeah.
I'm taking it.
All right.
Hey, hey, June Bug! - Oh, please.
- Hey.
What's up, man? It's Dre.
Look, I got to ask you something.
[Voice breaking.]
Have you seen my Pops? Thanks for coming out tonight, guys.
Hope everyone's enjoying the snacks.
- Zoey: Mm-hmm.
- So, feels like old Jack got a fast one pulled on him with this Mufasa thing.
Took a real gut punch on that one.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
But, it's okay, though.
Shame on me, fool me once, all that.
But in the spirit of honesty, I thought we should Have some chips and some truth.
Jack, you don't have to oil us up to hang out with you.
[Muffled.]
Uh, let's hear him out.
[Sighs.]
So, uh, let's just get loose, huh? Let's have fun with this.
Now, tell me.
What else has been a lie? Oh.
[Chips crunching.]
Okay.
Here it goes.
So, two scoops of ice cream is okay.
But three? Three will kill you.
Really? Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
Jack, we don't have to do this.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, keep them coming.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
You want it.
Sorry, Son.
Disneyland is closed on the Fourth of July.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Right.
Of course they're not closed on America's birthday.
Probably missed out on an epic fireworks show, some red, white, and blue cotton candy, but hey, live and learn.
File that one under "trusting little boy.
" This guac tastes so fresh.
It's not.
So I'm afraid to ask, but our old dog Spinach? Guess it's safe to assume that he didn't really go to that farm in Houstatlantavegas? His name was Nacho, and I'm not sure dad didn't throw him out of a moving car - Okay, Nacho dead.
- All right, then! Uh, we're done here.
You know everything.
Right, guys? He knows everything? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Everything.
- You know it all.
- Yep.
[Door opens, closes.]
That was another lie.
There's so much more.
So much more.
[Door closes.]
Ruby: Hey, Zoey.
Listen, I'm trying to computer talk with my distant lover Davis - Davis: Hi, Zoey.
- and this damn thing isn't working.
Now, how do I get my face and cleavage in the TV box? You know, Grandma's got a lot to work with, and Davis is getting dizzy.
No, no, Zoey, you don't have to do this, okay? I-I'm happy to just talk to your grandma and see her face.
Oh, he's just saying that.
[Chuckles.]
He loves to sing to me.
He's the only man I've ever known who could rock me to sleep singing James Ingram [Chuckles.]
except James Ingram.
[Ding!.]
- Grandma! - Zoey, it's okay.
I-I know your grandma has a past.
Um [Chuckles.]
Ca Just put it in portrait instead of landscape.
Portrait? What's that? Turn it to the side.
Oh.
Oh! Oh! There you are.
Hello, Davis.
[Chuckles.]
Ruby.
- Get out, Zoey.
- What? I swear to God This is your last warning.
This was my first warning.
Get out, sweet pea.
- Get out! - Dear God! [Laughs.]
Okay! - Yeah.
Sookie, Sookie now! - Oh, God.
No.
Hoo! Dre: Bow and I could not agree on which family member should take care of the kids, so it was back to the drawing board.
W-What are you doing, Dre? You casting the new Spike Lee film? Lucy: No, we're looking at all of Dre's friends, trying to figure out who'd be the best guardian for his kids.
Wh Is that all of your friends? Every last one of them.
Hurtful.
Now, my first choice would be Gigi.
Lifelong friend, megastar.
They would never have to worry about money.
Mm.
Guess what she lacks in parental instincts she makes up for in decadent excess.
That's an outstanding idea from the female diversity hire.
- Wow.
- Your children would be above the law.
Like Blanket and Paris Jackson.
- Gigi's out.
- Mm.
How about the round fellow with the little teeth? Is that Biz Markie? No.
That's my boy, Sha.
And, to be honest, I'm a little concerned that he won't be able to handle four kids.
After all, he does live inside the IKEA in Carson.
[Gasps.]
Is that Charlie? - Oh.
- Who? - He used to work for you.
- In which of my houses? Oh, my.
- I've never seen him before in my life.
Dre: I know he's not a good option.
I just miss the guy.
- Mm.
No.
- Come on, guys.
I'm running out of friends.
So Drake it'll have to be, then.
Whoa.
You're friends with Drake? Never met him, but we're cut from the same exact cloth ambitious, soulful [Inhales sharply.]
Fantastic beard game.
He's Canadian.
Drake is out.
Stevens: Ah, what the hell, Dre.
I'll take your little black kids.
[Chuckles.]
Now, the world don't move That's To the beat of just one drum What might be right for you May not be right for some They got diff'rent strokes It takes diff'rent strokes It takes diff'rent strokes to move the world Yes, it does It takes diff'rent strokes to move the world So after wasting me and my colleagues' entire day at work, I finally knew what I had to do.
- Oh, Bow.
- Hey.
I've been thinking about who we should leave our children with.
- Oh, me too.
- Mm-hmm.
And there's only one way to go.
- My mom.
- My mom.
Wha So, you want your mom, and I want my mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sounds like we have ourselves a good, old-fashioned mom-off.
Dre, we are not having a mom-off.
Then what are we gonna do? We are gonna sit our moms side by side, ask them questions, and see who's better.
Oh, my God.
We're having a mom-off.
Mm-hmm.
So, cursive's just busywork? I'm never going to use it again after third grade? Not unless you end up teaching third grade.
So many lies.
I can't take any more.
Oh, so you don't want to hear about all the art projects you bring home from school.
[Sighs.]
Don't tell me.
Tell me.
They don't all go to Grandma Alicia's "basement museum.
" Uh-oh.
Oh.
There's no Jackenheim? [Both laugh.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're laughing pretty hard.
You're not exactly bulletproof.
What are you saying? It's amazing how, after eight years of so many adventures, Squeaks the Frog has remained so pristine.
Because mom handwashes him with Woolite and love.
Squeaks has been with me since I was a baby.
No.
This Chinese bulk-rate trinket has been with you since Tuesday.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
There's another case of them in the garage under the jumper cables.
But I Remember when dad said he was driving back To Disneyland to find Squeaks? Well, he just went to Wendy's, got himself a Frosty, and listened to a podcast.
How do you know this, Longhead? I was there.
I had a loaded potato.
He's taking way too much pleasure in this.
Well, thank you both for joining us.
- Dre: Mm-hmm.
- Peace to all.
Andre, You're looking well fed.
And we're off.
Hmm.
Mommy, is everything okay? Yes, my eye's just a little bit sensitive.
- Oh.
- To poo.
It's They're They're sensitive.
- That's They're sens - Look at them.
- They look pinkish to me.
- Okay.
Okay, Dre and I have been talking about and trying to decide who we would leave our kids with if anything ever happened to us.
Is something happening to my baby? - No.
- Mom.
Oh, you got the sugar, don't you? We're gonna fight this thing, baby.
- Mama - You believe that.
I'm fine.
Is there something wrong with Rainbow? Uh - No.
- No.
Nothing is wrong with me, Ruby.
Matter of opinion.
- Talking to a computer.
- Mama.
Yeah, there's some [bleep.]
wrong, all right.
- Okay.
- Please, please.
Just tell us what we can do to help.
Rainbow: Okay.
Well, Dre and I have a couple of questions.
Mm-hmm.
What would you do to help our children make good decisions in a crisis? Oh! I would do something fantastic! - Mm.
- Okay.
Oh, you're gonna love it! It's gonna be huge! We're gonna make this family great again! [Pounds on table.]
Boom! - [Laughs.]
- Nailed it.
My mama all day, er'day.
Ha ha! She didn't say anything.
Oh, I think she said everything.
- Everything! - No, she - No, yes, she did.
- No.
She did not say anything.
She did.
Okay, well, why don't we just ask my mom, okay? - Go.
- What would you do, Mom? I would sit them down, have them take a deep breath, have them weigh their options Ah, that sounds good.
[Laughs.]
And then access their spirit animals.
- Uh - There it goes.
Listen, what I want to know is why is this a conversation? She's not even here! You can't parent over a computer! Can I just say that it doesn't matter where I am.
Our energy transcends space and time.
It doesn't matter where any of us are.
Well, if it doesn't matter where you are, then why are you here? [Chuckles.]
You're fired! - Hey.
- [Scoffs.]
- That's enough out of - Hey! It's enough of it! Don't bring me down here for no computer talk no more with that woman.
Hey, Junior.
We just want to thank you for giving us the straight talk.
Diane: It's that kind of candor that the President of the United States of America values when he calls you on your birthday every year.
Why would you bring that up? Dre: [As President Obama.]
Happy Birthday, Junior.
Thank you for all of your help in getting our country through the latest financial crisis.
Junior: You're welcome, Mr.
President.
And I appreciate the nod you gave me during the State of the Union.
I saw it.
Good! I hoped that you would.
You know, Malia will need a prom date this year Oh, I don't know, Mr.
President.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are a catch, and Malia would be lucky to have you.
Go to LAX.
Air Force One will be waiting for you.
The code word "Buttress.
" [Both laugh.]
Buttress.
Got it.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Your brother's an idiot.
[Laughter.]
[Chuckles.]
I always thought he was a little loose-lipped about Iran.
Hurts, doesn't it? That was for Squeaks O.
G.
Squeaks.
You monsters.
You know, I've been thinking.
- Your mama's so crazy - Rainbow: Oh.
Seriously? Dre, really? This is where we're at? You're making "your mama" jokes? - I'm not making jokes.
- Mm-hmm.
All I'm saying is that your mama your mother Oh, God.
Is so out of touch that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
[Laughs.]
Mm-hmm.
Really? Okay.
Well, your mother is so dumb that she sat in a treehouse 'cause she wanted to be a branch manager.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, your mama is so stupid Oh! Dre, stop.
Oh.
Okay.
Come on.
Seriously? The fact that you even consider your mother for a minute makes me question your judgment.
Your mom is basically Donald Trump in polyester sweats and kitten heels.
Uh, well, the fact That you want to leave our kids with a woman who rides shotgun in a poo bus makes me question your judgment as a parent.
My judgment? Oh, yeah.
You know, if something were to happen to me, I'm not sure I'd leave my children with you.
Well, you don't have any choice.
Oh, I have a choice.
I choose to outlive you.
[Laughs.]
Good luck with that, buddy.
I woke up this morning, and I had a kale smoothie.
You woke up and had a sleeve of Pop-Tarts and a pack of bacon.
I like my odds.
It was a low-sodium Canadian bacon.
Mm-hmm.
Still ham.
Kids, if you're watching this, I'm dead.
So I've gone ahead and put everything I won't be around to teach you on video everything I stand for, Dre's ways, or as I like to call them, "Dways.
" Dways number one.
Never put your baseball hat on straight.
You always cock it to the side.
But don't cock it too far.
You're a Johnson, not a Wayans.
- What are you doing? - Huh? Oh.
Leaving the kids some rules behind.
Oh.
This morning, I tried drinking a kale smoothie, and my body rejected it.
Oh, yeah.
So I ended up chasing it with a chocolate shake.
Let's face it, Bow.
There's no way I'm outliving you.
Hell, to be honest, I'm on borrowed time.
I know that, baby.
My sweet morning surprise is seeing your eyes open.
[Both chuckle.]
- I'm sorry, Bow.
- Oh.
You know, I don't want to think about not being here for our kids.
Oh, God.
- I don't, either.
I don't, either.
- You know? And recording these Dways, it it brought it all home.
[Sighs.]
You have no idea how many takes I ruined.
[Voice breaking.]
Don't order tilapia.
There's no such fish as tilapia.
It's whatever unidentified fish they happen to find that day.
When I think about not being here to teach my kids about trash fish, it's just too much.
[Voice breaking.]
I didn't know about tilapia.
I didn't know.
It's not even fish.
What is it? It's trash.
[Sobbing.]
No! It's trash fish.
[Sobs.]
They do need us both.
They need us both.
Maybe [Sniffles.]
Maybe we should think about your parents again.
Maybe they can move the doody bus here.
No, Dre.
No.
[Sniffles.]
Okay.
[Breathing deeply.]
It should be Ruby.
What? Ruby! - What? - Yes, Dre.
Even though she and I don't agree on anything.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay? She adores the kids.
And they love her.
Yeah.
And she practically lives here.
And she is not going anywhere.
Yeah.
Evil never dies.
It cannot be Grandma.
- Huh? - What? She is half teenager, half elderly person.
Oh.
It's a bad mix.
I don't have the heart To hurt you It's the last thing I want to do [Fire ignites.]
Fire.
Fire.
Fire! Ruby! - Ruby, wake up! - Oh, my goodness! Grandma! Fire! While you two have been arguing all week about who should Be taking care of the family, I've been taking care of the family.
I had to write a convincing letter from the President of the United States to Junior.
Wait a second.
No stamp? Hand delivered?! All right! I drove over a new Squeaks five times to re-create the original Squeaks.
[Gasps.]
[Chuckles.]
How'd you find him? I called Disneyland and made them drain the "Pirates of the Caribbean.
" He was at the bottom.
- I knew it! - Mmhmm.
Hmm.
Move out the way.
And I've created an actual Jackenheim for all of Jack's art.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[Both chuckle.]
Rainbow: Impressive.
Wow.
But we can't keep all this junk in our dining room.
I mean - Just don't eat it.
- Oh.
Put it in a box in the garage like a normal person.
Oh.
Okay.
Anyway, if something ever happens to you guys, no one's taking care of my brothers and sister besides me.
Oh.
[Sighs.]
Zoey, I I don't know what to say.
Just don't die.
I'm almost 18.
If you make it another 22 months, we're all good.
- Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.
- I just want to hug.
- No, thank you.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
So, we just have to hold on till she's 18, - and then I'm out of here.
- Wha I don't think That's what she was saying.
- That's what I heard.
- Oh.
Okay.
Dre: So, we landed on Zoey.
Of course, she won't be alone, she'll have a village of crazy grandparents, extended family, super-rich megastars, and IKEA dwellers.
She'll have help from everyone.
It's just love Who would have thought at the end of the day, the best person to take care of our children is one of our children? We can hold you down and let the rest of them know We got you and we won't let go It's just love We can hold you down and let the rest of them know We got you and we won't let go Trust love Hey, babies! Oh.
If you're watching this, I'm dead.
[Sobs.]
[Beep.]
In the tragic event [Voice breaking.]
that I die before your father, please delete all of his Dways.
[Beep.]
I've set up a condo for you in Chatsworth.
He will never find it.
You go there.
Go there and tell the doorman who you are.
[Beep.]
The password is "buttress.
"
Nants ingonyama Bagithi baba Sithi uhmm ingonyama - "The Lion King"? - Mm-hmm.
We love it, but we've seen it so many times.
Nants ingonyama Bagithi baba Wha Whatever.
It's the movie That was chosen this week.
Okay.
Thanks a lot, Jack.
Wait.
Don't look at me.
I wanted to watch "Think Like a Man".
Kevin Hart's hello to the world.
- Then who picked this? - [Dre chuckles.]
It doesn't matter who picked this emotionally stirring, richly drawn animated Disney classic.
- Okay? - All right.
But we're not fast-forwarding through the part where Mufasa dies.
- Wait, what? - [Gasps.]
Oh, Diane.
He dies?! Why else you think we always skip that part? I thought you were fast-forwarding through lion sex.
Nope dead dad.
- Wha - Stomped out by wildebeests.
Okay, okay.
Sweetheart, come on.
It's all about the circle of life.
Simba moves on, and he finds comfort and protection from a friendly warthog and a rascally ferret.
- Hmm? - Meerkat.
Okay.
So Timon the meerkat gives him comfort and protection.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
You disgust me.
You know what I think would lift everyone's spirits? "Ex Machina".
Of course.
The story of a genius who built a hot, naked robot - Rainbow: Oh! - programmed to do anything he tells her.
[Sighs.]
Maybe I should watch that alone.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Not really kid-friendly.
So wait, who's going to be our warthog and meerkat if you guys die? I Uh Sweetheart, your dad and I are gonna be here for a long, long, long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Son.
Hakuna matata.
No worries.
Give me that popcorn.
Let me put some butter on it.
Uh, Bow? - Can I see you a sec? Mm-hmm.
- Rainbow: Okay.
Oh, my God.
What happens to them if we die? I don't know.
We gotta matata.
Oh, we got a lot of matatas.
Dre: So, Bow and I didn't have a legal guardian for our kids.
That called for immediate action.
[Sighs.]
Ahh.
Ahh.
- More tequila? - Yes.
I can still feel my face.
Mnh.
[Sighs.]
How did we not handle this? I don't know.
Didn't we talk to our accountant when Zoey was born? You mean your accountant, James Brown? James: So, in the event of your deaths, little Zoey here should become a ward of the state.
All the tax benefits? Astronomical.
You little cute, little thing.
Do you want to be raised in the system? [Baby cries.]
Come on, now.
Shamon.
- All right.
Don't worry about it.
- Ohh, ohh, ohh.
First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call a lawyer up, and I'm gonna let them know that we're leaving our kids with my family.
Wait.
Your family? Mm-hmm.
Why not my family? Because they're our children and we love them? What's that supposed to mean? Your parents raised you in a cult.
Wha And I'm not gonna let them raise my kids on a bus powered by human poo.
[Ding!.]
That bus produces 30% less emissions than a diesel-powered bus.
You know what else it produces? What? Pinkeye.
Your mama stays with it.
[Ding!.]
You know what? The obvious choice is my mama.
Over my dead body! Dre, there is no way in hell.
Can you imagine what would happen to our children if they were raised by that crazy lady? [Snakes rattling.]
Do you believe? Kids: We believe! - Do you believe? - We believe! I praise, I praise, I praise God Okay.
We'll leave them with Pops.
He's worse than your mom! - What?! - Dre, he's always disappearing.
The kids would be, like, wondering if he's even alive.
I mean In fact, is he even alive? - Yes, he is alive! - Prove it.
Prove it, Dre.
Prove that he is still alive! I'll prove it to you right now.
Uh-huh.
I'm calling him right now.
- Put it on speaker phone.
- Hey.
[Line clicks.]
Hey, Pops! Man: [Speaking Arabic.]
Earl Johnson.
[Gunshot.]
[Cellphone beeps.]
He's Sh-Should Should we be worried? Okay.
Maybe not Pops.
But we're definitely not leaving them with your sister.
She literally said she hates children in front of our children.
Fine.
Then we're nixing your sister just out of spite for the fact that you nixed mine.
Ha! I still have a brother and June Bug.
[Laughing.]
Oh, God, Dre.
You mean San Quentin and Folsom.
You love them.
If I want to do a smash and grab! - Whatever.
I'm calling June Bug.
- Fine.
You know what? - Take that.
- Yeah.
I'm taking it.
All right.
Hey, hey, June Bug! - Oh, please.
- Hey.
What's up, man? It's Dre.
Look, I got to ask you something.
[Voice breaking.]
Have you seen my Pops? Thanks for coming out tonight, guys.
Hope everyone's enjoying the snacks.
- Zoey: Mm-hmm.
- So, feels like old Jack got a fast one pulled on him with this Mufasa thing.
Took a real gut punch on that one.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
But, it's okay, though.
Shame on me, fool me once, all that.
But in the spirit of honesty, I thought we should Have some chips and some truth.
Jack, you don't have to oil us up to hang out with you.
[Muffled.]
Uh, let's hear him out.
[Sighs.]
So, uh, let's just get loose, huh? Let's have fun with this.
Now, tell me.
What else has been a lie? Oh.
[Chips crunching.]
Okay.
Here it goes.
So, two scoops of ice cream is okay.
But three? Three will kill you.
Really? Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
Jack, we don't have to do this.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, keep them coming.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
You want it.
Sorry, Son.
Disneyland is closed on the Fourth of July.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Right.
Of course they're not closed on America's birthday.
Probably missed out on an epic fireworks show, some red, white, and blue cotton candy, but hey, live and learn.
File that one under "trusting little boy.
" This guac tastes so fresh.
It's not.
So I'm afraid to ask, but our old dog Spinach? Guess it's safe to assume that he didn't really go to that farm in Houstatlantavegas? His name was Nacho, and I'm not sure dad didn't throw him out of a moving car - Okay, Nacho dead.
- All right, then! Uh, we're done here.
You know everything.
Right, guys? He knows everything? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Everything.
- You know it all.
- Yep.
[Door opens, closes.]
That was another lie.
There's so much more.
So much more.
[Door closes.]
Ruby: Hey, Zoey.
Listen, I'm trying to computer talk with my distant lover Davis - Davis: Hi, Zoey.
- and this damn thing isn't working.
Now, how do I get my face and cleavage in the TV box? You know, Grandma's got a lot to work with, and Davis is getting dizzy.
No, no, Zoey, you don't have to do this, okay? I-I'm happy to just talk to your grandma and see her face.
Oh, he's just saying that.
[Chuckles.]
He loves to sing to me.
He's the only man I've ever known who could rock me to sleep singing James Ingram [Chuckles.]
except James Ingram.
[Ding!.]
- Grandma! - Zoey, it's okay.
I-I know your grandma has a past.
Um [Chuckles.]
Ca Just put it in portrait instead of landscape.
Portrait? What's that? Turn it to the side.
Oh.
Oh! Oh! There you are.
Hello, Davis.
[Chuckles.]
Ruby.
- Get out, Zoey.
- What? I swear to God This is your last warning.
This was my first warning.
Get out, sweet pea.
- Get out! - Dear God! [Laughs.]
Okay! - Yeah.
Sookie, Sookie now! - Oh, God.
No.
Hoo! Dre: Bow and I could not agree on which family member should take care of the kids, so it was back to the drawing board.
W-What are you doing, Dre? You casting the new Spike Lee film? Lucy: No, we're looking at all of Dre's friends, trying to figure out who'd be the best guardian for his kids.
Wh Is that all of your friends? Every last one of them.
Hurtful.
Now, my first choice would be Gigi.
Lifelong friend, megastar.
They would never have to worry about money.
Mm.
Guess what she lacks in parental instincts she makes up for in decadent excess.
That's an outstanding idea from the female diversity hire.
- Wow.
- Your children would be above the law.
Like Blanket and Paris Jackson.
- Gigi's out.
- Mm.
How about the round fellow with the little teeth? Is that Biz Markie? No.
That's my boy, Sha.
And, to be honest, I'm a little concerned that he won't be able to handle four kids.
After all, he does live inside the IKEA in Carson.
[Gasps.]
Is that Charlie? - Oh.
- Who? - He used to work for you.
- In which of my houses? Oh, my.
- I've never seen him before in my life.
Dre: I know he's not a good option.
I just miss the guy.
- Mm.
No.
- Come on, guys.
I'm running out of friends.
So Drake it'll have to be, then.
Whoa.
You're friends with Drake? Never met him, but we're cut from the same exact cloth ambitious, soulful [Inhales sharply.]
Fantastic beard game.
He's Canadian.
Drake is out.
Stevens: Ah, what the hell, Dre.
I'll take your little black kids.
[Chuckles.]
Now, the world don't move That's To the beat of just one drum What might be right for you May not be right for some They got diff'rent strokes It takes diff'rent strokes It takes diff'rent strokes to move the world Yes, it does It takes diff'rent strokes to move the world So after wasting me and my colleagues' entire day at work, I finally knew what I had to do.
- Oh, Bow.
- Hey.
I've been thinking about who we should leave our children with.
- Oh, me too.
- Mm-hmm.
And there's only one way to go.
- My mom.
- My mom.
Wha So, you want your mom, and I want my mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sounds like we have ourselves a good, old-fashioned mom-off.
Dre, we are not having a mom-off.
Then what are we gonna do? We are gonna sit our moms side by side, ask them questions, and see who's better.
Oh, my God.
We're having a mom-off.
Mm-hmm.
So, cursive's just busywork? I'm never going to use it again after third grade? Not unless you end up teaching third grade.
So many lies.
I can't take any more.
Oh, so you don't want to hear about all the art projects you bring home from school.
[Sighs.]
Don't tell me.
Tell me.
They don't all go to Grandma Alicia's "basement museum.
" Uh-oh.
Oh.
There's no Jackenheim? [Both laugh.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're laughing pretty hard.
You're not exactly bulletproof.
What are you saying? It's amazing how, after eight years of so many adventures, Squeaks the Frog has remained so pristine.
Because mom handwashes him with Woolite and love.
Squeaks has been with me since I was a baby.
No.
This Chinese bulk-rate trinket has been with you since Tuesday.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
There's another case of them in the garage under the jumper cables.
But I Remember when dad said he was driving back To Disneyland to find Squeaks? Well, he just went to Wendy's, got himself a Frosty, and listened to a podcast.
How do you know this, Longhead? I was there.
I had a loaded potato.
He's taking way too much pleasure in this.
Well, thank you both for joining us.
- Dre: Mm-hmm.
- Peace to all.
Andre, You're looking well fed.
And we're off.
Hmm.
Mommy, is everything okay? Yes, my eye's just a little bit sensitive.
- Oh.
- To poo.
It's They're They're sensitive.
- That's They're sens - Look at them.
- They look pinkish to me.
- Okay.
Okay, Dre and I have been talking about and trying to decide who we would leave our kids with if anything ever happened to us.
Is something happening to my baby? - No.
- Mom.
Oh, you got the sugar, don't you? We're gonna fight this thing, baby.
- Mama - You believe that.
I'm fine.
Is there something wrong with Rainbow? Uh - No.
- No.
Nothing is wrong with me, Ruby.
Matter of opinion.
- Talking to a computer.
- Mama.
Yeah, there's some [bleep.]
wrong, all right.
- Okay.
- Please, please.
Just tell us what we can do to help.
Rainbow: Okay.
Well, Dre and I have a couple of questions.
Mm-hmm.
What would you do to help our children make good decisions in a crisis? Oh! I would do something fantastic! - Mm.
- Okay.
Oh, you're gonna love it! It's gonna be huge! We're gonna make this family great again! [Pounds on table.]
Boom! - [Laughs.]
- Nailed it.
My mama all day, er'day.
Ha ha! She didn't say anything.
Oh, I think she said everything.
- Everything! - No, she - No, yes, she did.
- No.
She did not say anything.
She did.
Okay, well, why don't we just ask my mom, okay? - Go.
- What would you do, Mom? I would sit them down, have them take a deep breath, have them weigh their options Ah, that sounds good.
[Laughs.]
And then access their spirit animals.
- Uh - There it goes.
Listen, what I want to know is why is this a conversation? She's not even here! You can't parent over a computer! Can I just say that it doesn't matter where I am.
Our energy transcends space and time.
It doesn't matter where any of us are.
Well, if it doesn't matter where you are, then why are you here? [Chuckles.]
You're fired! - Hey.
- [Scoffs.]
- That's enough out of - Hey! It's enough of it! Don't bring me down here for no computer talk no more with that woman.
Hey, Junior.
We just want to thank you for giving us the straight talk.
Diane: It's that kind of candor that the President of the United States of America values when he calls you on your birthday every year.
Why would you bring that up? Dre: [As President Obama.]
Happy Birthday, Junior.
Thank you for all of your help in getting our country through the latest financial crisis.
Junior: You're welcome, Mr.
President.
And I appreciate the nod you gave me during the State of the Union.
I saw it.
Good! I hoped that you would.
You know, Malia will need a prom date this year Oh, I don't know, Mr.
President.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are a catch, and Malia would be lucky to have you.
Go to LAX.
Air Force One will be waiting for you.
The code word "Buttress.
" [Both laugh.]
Buttress.
Got it.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Your brother's an idiot.
[Laughter.]
[Chuckles.]
I always thought he was a little loose-lipped about Iran.
Hurts, doesn't it? That was for Squeaks O.
G.
Squeaks.
You monsters.
You know, I've been thinking.
- Your mama's so crazy - Rainbow: Oh.
Seriously? Dre, really? This is where we're at? You're making "your mama" jokes? - I'm not making jokes.
- Mm-hmm.
All I'm saying is that your mama your mother Oh, God.
Is so out of touch that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
[Laughs.]
Mm-hmm.
Really? Okay.
Well, your mother is so dumb that she sat in a treehouse 'cause she wanted to be a branch manager.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, your mama is so stupid Oh! Dre, stop.
Oh.
Okay.
Come on.
Seriously? The fact that you even consider your mother for a minute makes me question your judgment.
Your mom is basically Donald Trump in polyester sweats and kitten heels.
Uh, well, the fact That you want to leave our kids with a woman who rides shotgun in a poo bus makes me question your judgment as a parent.
My judgment? Oh, yeah.
You know, if something were to happen to me, I'm not sure I'd leave my children with you.
Well, you don't have any choice.
Oh, I have a choice.
I choose to outlive you.
[Laughs.]
Good luck with that, buddy.
I woke up this morning, and I had a kale smoothie.
You woke up and had a sleeve of Pop-Tarts and a pack of bacon.
I like my odds.
It was a low-sodium Canadian bacon.
Mm-hmm.
Still ham.
Kids, if you're watching this, I'm dead.
So I've gone ahead and put everything I won't be around to teach you on video everything I stand for, Dre's ways, or as I like to call them, "Dways.
" Dways number one.
Never put your baseball hat on straight.
You always cock it to the side.
But don't cock it too far.
You're a Johnson, not a Wayans.
- What are you doing? - Huh? Oh.
Leaving the kids some rules behind.
Oh.
This morning, I tried drinking a kale smoothie, and my body rejected it.
Oh, yeah.
So I ended up chasing it with a chocolate shake.
Let's face it, Bow.
There's no way I'm outliving you.
Hell, to be honest, I'm on borrowed time.
I know that, baby.
My sweet morning surprise is seeing your eyes open.
[Both chuckle.]
- I'm sorry, Bow.
- Oh.
You know, I don't want to think about not being here for our kids.
Oh, God.
- I don't, either.
I don't, either.
- You know? And recording these Dways, it it brought it all home.
[Sighs.]
You have no idea how many takes I ruined.
[Voice breaking.]
Don't order tilapia.
There's no such fish as tilapia.
It's whatever unidentified fish they happen to find that day.
When I think about not being here to teach my kids about trash fish, it's just too much.
[Voice breaking.]
I didn't know about tilapia.
I didn't know.
It's not even fish.
What is it? It's trash.
[Sobbing.]
No! It's trash fish.
[Sobs.]
They do need us both.
They need us both.
Maybe [Sniffles.]
Maybe we should think about your parents again.
Maybe they can move the doody bus here.
No, Dre.
No.
[Sniffles.]
Okay.
[Breathing deeply.]
It should be Ruby.
What? Ruby! - What? - Yes, Dre.
Even though she and I don't agree on anything.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay? She adores the kids.
And they love her.
Yeah.
And she practically lives here.
And she is not going anywhere.
Yeah.
Evil never dies.
It cannot be Grandma.
- Huh? - What? She is half teenager, half elderly person.
Oh.
It's a bad mix.
I don't have the heart To hurt you It's the last thing I want to do [Fire ignites.]
Fire.
Fire.
Fire! Ruby! - Ruby, wake up! - Oh, my goodness! Grandma! Fire! While you two have been arguing all week about who should Be taking care of the family, I've been taking care of the family.
I had to write a convincing letter from the President of the United States to Junior.
Wait a second.
No stamp? Hand delivered?! All right! I drove over a new Squeaks five times to re-create the original Squeaks.
[Gasps.]
[Chuckles.]
How'd you find him? I called Disneyland and made them drain the "Pirates of the Caribbean.
" He was at the bottom.
- I knew it! - Mmhmm.
Hmm.
Move out the way.
And I've created an actual Jackenheim for all of Jack's art.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[Both chuckle.]
Rainbow: Impressive.
Wow.
But we can't keep all this junk in our dining room.
I mean - Just don't eat it.
- Oh.
Put it in a box in the garage like a normal person.
Oh.
Okay.
Anyway, if something ever happens to you guys, no one's taking care of my brothers and sister besides me.
Oh.
[Sighs.]
Zoey, I I don't know what to say.
Just don't die.
I'm almost 18.
If you make it another 22 months, we're all good.
- Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.
- I just want to hug.
- No, thank you.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
So, we just have to hold on till she's 18, - and then I'm out of here.
- Wha I don't think That's what she was saying.
- That's what I heard.
- Oh.
Okay.
Dre: So, we landed on Zoey.
Of course, she won't be alone, she'll have a village of crazy grandparents, extended family, super-rich megastars, and IKEA dwellers.
She'll have help from everyone.
It's just love Who would have thought at the end of the day, the best person to take care of our children is one of our children? We can hold you down and let the rest of them know We got you and we won't let go It's just love We can hold you down and let the rest of them know We got you and we won't let go Trust love Hey, babies! Oh.
If you're watching this, I'm dead.
[Sobs.]
[Beep.]
In the tragic event [Voice breaking.]
that I die before your father, please delete all of his Dways.
[Beep.]
I've set up a condo for you in Chatsworth.
He will never find it.
You go there.
Go there and tell the doorman who you are.
[Beep.]
The password is "buttress.
"