Black-ish (2014) s08e01 Episode Script

1 DRE: Life is hectic in my house.
Virtually every hour of my day is scheduled, without a moment to lose.
So every moment I'm standing around is a moment wasted.
Guys, come on! We've got to hustle! Jack, Diane, Devante, let's go! Ready to go, big guy.
Boy, not you.
I'm talking about my son, Devante.
There are six Black kids at his school.
How did you end up tutoring the only other kid named Devante? This is the one I'm talking about.
Let's roll.
That's why you can bet I put a dollar value on every minute of my free time.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Olivia and I have an extra ticket to an amazing cheese tasting.
Care to join us? [Singsong.]
It's all Humboldt County goat cheeses.
[Cash register dings.]
That's gonna be a big fat "hell no.
" I'm not about to waste $500 of my time to taste some nasty cheese from a funky goat.
Come on, old man, expand your mind! No.
Hey, good news, baby.
If you come with me to a one-hour timeshare presentation, we get three nights free in San Pedro! Come on, go with me, baby! [Cash register dings.]
Mama, thank you, but I'm good.
Fine, I'll ask the White lady next door.
I bet she's dying to get some vacation braids.
Oh, my God! We just got invited to the most incredible charity event.
[Cash register dings.]
- Pass.
- You owe me.
What? - Babe? - RAINBOW: Yes? - I know it's your birthday weekend - Yes.
but I got us tickets to Clippers Fan Fest! [Cash register dings.]
Hyah! Unfortunately, I married someone whose time is also valuable.
Damn.
8x01 - That's What Friends Are For RAINBOW: Come on, Dre, don't make that face.
What? It's not like I invited you to a timeshare presentation.
This is an event for a great cause.
Look, "When We All Vote works to change the culture around voting and increase voter turnout by helping to close the age and race gap at the polls.
" Plus, it says there's a special guest.
It's gonna be John Legend.
It's always John Legend! Dre, this is a cause that we both care about! And the Thompsons might be there.
Ah! Ugh, the Thompsons.
What?! The Thompsons are really nice people, and I think that if we spent time with them, we would really click.
No way.
- All right? No couple friends.
- Why not? Because no one ever likes each other equally.
And I don't want to get stuck making small talk with some dude just nodding along, telling me about the 55 ways to fix up an old canoe.
That canoe was really nice.
[Footsteps approaching.]
Hey, guys! Don't forget, tonight is movie night! And we are gonna find out what they are so "Fast and Furious" about.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm-a tell ya, I think it's air pollution.
- Uh - Sorry, we have plans.
- Yeah.
- With who? Friends.
Where? Out.
Yo, you hear this dude? Yeah.
They're crazy.
Don't wait up.
Wow.
- Okay.
- All right.
Well, you know what, Dre? This is why we need couple friends.
Come on, we'll go there, we'll meet some people.
It's gonna be fun.
Come on.
Go with me.
- Fine! - Yes! I'll go.
But I'm wearing sneakers with my suit, and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Fine.
Even though Bow's adult play date wasn't until the weekend, I was already dreading hanging out with other couples.
Okay, Dre, what's going on? Oh, no, let me let me guess.
Uh, the NFL has fired its only Black head coach? - No.
- Oh.
Bow is making me go to this charity event because she thinks we need couple friends.
Who needs couple friends? I wish I had couple friends or really even any friends.
Aw, couple friends are a complete waste of time.
Trust me.
The woman always falls in love with you, and the man always wants a boat loan.
If you don't want to go to the charity event, I'll be happy to escort Bow.
[Chuckles.]
At the dinner table, lookin' all fine.
What's this? Someone's passing around a bowl.
Okay, I'll put my keys in.
I'm a little unsure at first.
Rainbow is perfect.
With so many beautiful types of fruit, I'd be foolish to limit myself to just one Okay, Charlie, it's not that kind of party.
All right? These events are always the same, with Bow trying to make us be friends with interesting women and their dud husbands.
You know, so many journalists and college professors.
Never anything that's useful, like a Formula 1 driver or or a celebrity chef.
Or a friendly D.
A.
who can "lose" the paperwork when you're charged with trafficking panda cubs.
Exactly! Look, I don't mind writing the check, but my whole night is ruined when Bow does that stuff.
Like, hell, I'd rather go to Devante's kindergarten drum recital.
Hell, I'll take her to the drum recital.
[Chuckles.]
Wait, someone's passing a bowl around.
What's this? They're swapping kids.
Someone hands me a child.
I guess he's mine now.
Charlie? I will be taking my wife to every event, including this one, even if it is a total waste of time.
But I will tell you this.
I am playing hard to get.
I will not be saddled with a dud again.
I kept my word and went to the charity event with Bow, and it was exactly what I thought full of duds.
And we are so grateful that you have joined us to support When We All Vote.
We're a nonpartisan initiative that empowers people to vote, hold our elected officials accountable, and protects the right to cast a ballot.
We need your help to build an engaged electorate for today and for generations to come.
- Yeah.
- Cheers.
Thank you so much for your support.
- Hey! - Wonderful.
Thank you for having us.
- Hon? - Yes? Yeah, uh, we've been here for an hour.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can we put these spinach puffs in our pockets and break out of here? No, Dre, we cannot do that.
- Why? - Just Just be a nice person.
- Be a nice - Babe, let's break out.
- What? - [Gasps.]
Isn't that Who is that? [Majestic music plays.]
Sweet Black Jesus.
- That's not John Legend.
- I know.
RUBY: Hey! What y'all lookin' so happy about? Did you make my baby take marijuana? What?! No, we just, um [Clears throat.]
We met somebody special.
- Like, special special.
- They might not want to hear - about who we met tonight.
- Oh, probably not.
It was Michelle Obama! Michelle Obama?! Are you sure it was really her? You'll been fooled by Barack Obama impersonators before.
Okay, he was pretending not to be himself so he wouldn't draw a crowd, fool.
And we know it was her because we connected like we've known each other forever, and we had a conversation that was about being parents - Mm-hmm.
- professionals - Yes.
- and honestly, it was - What's the word? - Oh BOTH: Magical.
Hmm.
[Dionne Warwick's "That's What Friends Are For" plays.]
Keep smilin', keep shinin' Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure That's what friends are for For good times and bad times I'll be on your side forevermore That's what friends are for Keep smilin', keep shinin' How do you know she feels the same way about you? Yeah.
This is the same boy who thought he made eye contact with Janet on the Rhythm Nation tour.
- Yeah.
- And then he went back to school, telling everybody that she was his girlfriend.
She looked into my soul.
We know because I got Michelle Obama's phone number.
And she will be joining us for dinner here Saturday night.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho! - What?! - Oh, my God, this is amazing! - RUBY: They lyin'.
I am gonna start workshopping ideas on how to greet her.
- "Hello" does not feel special enough.
- It's not.
She's not gonna want to meet you when she can meet a genuine Civil Rights hero.
No one has told any of you that you are welcome to this dinner, so you have to leave the house, because we want to have a nice, normal dinner with our friends.
You don't have any friends.
Right! Oh, it feels so right! You aren't seriously gonna leave us out? This is child abuse! Andre, your giant head tore me from tip to tail.
Now, you could at least let me say hello to the woman! Sorry, everybody must leave Saturday night, and that goes for you guys, too.
Okay, cool.
Mason's having a black-light party, so we really don't care about what you guys have going on.
Michelle Obama is coming to dinner.
- What?! - What? DIANE: Oh, I, uh Dang, Mason's party was just canceled, yeah.
- He has a seven-day diarrhea.
- Mm.
So, um, we are actually available to meet Mrs.
O.
All of you are banned, okay? Because this this is something that's just for Dre and I.
- Yes.
- Mmm.
No.
[All arguing.]
"No" is right.
Ain't nobody All right, all right! Hold on, hold on! We understand and appreciate all that you do for us.
And if you want this evening to yourselves, we will honor your request.
I neither understand or appreciate what Rainbow and Dre are trying to do, nor do I feel any need to honor their request.
- [Gasps.]
- This is madness.
- I agree! - We have a Black Jesus given right to meet this woman! Now, y'all know y'all know how I feel about somebody from the government comin' in this house.
- Yeah.
- Right.
But we talkin' about Mrs.
Michelle Obama.
Come on! Michelle Obama! It's only right.
And who do they think they are? Exactly, we're the teenagers.
We're the ones supposed to be ditching them, - not the other way around.
- Right.
And it's not like I even want to hang out for long.
I just want one photo that I can rub in the faces of my enemies! Yeah, and I just want her to sign my copy of "Becoming" and tell me I'm enough.
I want to know if she still has connections who can look into pardoning certain youthful indiscretions from the 1960s so someone can get a passport again.
You feel me? - Ah.
- Ah, I feel you.
All right, all right, all right! Then it's decided.
We're gonna crash this party.
Huh? Jack, go get me my disguise trunk.
Go ahead.
DRE: The night of the dinner, everything was in place to welcome Michelle Obama into our humble home.
Babe, do you know what's weird about this? - What? - Is how not-weird it feels.
I know, right? Mrs.
Obama is just so warm and - and down-to-earth.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you know that I sent her a confirmation text, and she sent me back a dancing-lady emoji.
That's it? No words? It was just like, "Wah!" - She's cool.
- [Laughs.]
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Oh, okay, okay! - Okay, baby! - Baby, button my arm button! - Uh - [Shouts incoherently.]
- Okay, I'm gonna button.
- Button, okay.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
Come one, give it to me.
- Oh! Mmm! - [Laughs.]
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
[Both sigh.]
- [Gasps.]
- Okay, hey.
Hi.
I thought I would do the neighborly thing on a Saturday night and bring over my famous tuna-zoodle casserole.
Can I come in, please? - No.
- No! All right, look, I put 2 and 2 together when the Secret Service interviewed me.
I know Mrs.
Obama is gonna be here.
I just want to meet her.
- No.
- I can pretend to be your maid.
- Uh, uh, good night.
- A white maid! I mean, wouldn't that be something? Everyone else may have been tripping, but we just wanted to have a normal night.
Luckily, so did Mrs.
Obama.
I hope this is okay.
- Mm-hmm, looks good, looks good.
- Uh-huh.
Well, you know, we figured that you've had enough steak dinners for a lifetime.
[Laughs.]
How'd you know? - Oh.
- [Laughter.]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[Laughing.]
Don't mind us.
Sorry, just Oh forgot my phone in here.
- Hi.
- We'll be real quick.
[Chuckles.]
Take the picture.
For the love of God, Olivia, take the picture.
- Junior? - Yes? Get out.
Oh, sorry, Father.
[Chuckles.]
- Bow, what is he doing here? - Thank you.
I have no idea.
- Weird, right? - Zoey? Yeah? What are you doing here? - Are you kidding? - No.
I'm here all the time.
And matter of fact, I actually just started a fashion line.
- Oh.
- So if you wanna give me Sasha and Malia's sizes - Oh.
- I'll send you some samples.
- Hey.
- Okay.
DRE: Hey, Zoey, nice try.
- Get out.
- Get out.
- MICHELLE: Congratulations.
- Aw, thank you.
Oh, she's a cutie.
- She doesn't live here.
- She doesn't live here? - Yeah.
- Really? - Seriously.
- Andre, my boy.
- No.
- Oh.
[British accent.]
I'll not have you speak thus when we have such august company about.
RAINBOW: Oh, boy.
- "August"? - What does that mean? - Good evening, your grace.
- Good evening.
My deepest apologies for my son.
I'm still working on his refinement.
- Oh.
- A father's work is never done.
- [Awkward laughter.]
- BOW: Seriously? [Bad British accent.]
I-I-Indeed, guv'nor, indeed.
- [Laughs.]
- [Normal voice.]
I'm sorry.
- I just love you so much! - Oh.
You did so much to normalize having your mother live with you.
- Okay.
- [Sobbing.]
- So, Mama, enough! - [Chuckles.]
All right, if your name is not on the mortgage and your ass has never lived at the White House, get out.
- Okay.
- Great to meet you.
RUBY: Michelle Obama.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.
Greetings to the first man.
How did her arms feel, baby? - RAINBOW: Hey.
- Hard very hard.
- Wow, wow.
- Okay, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my I'm - Beautiful.
- Yes, that Okay.
- Wow, lovely gown.
That was a lot.
- Yeah, I'm so sorry.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, my God.
- My apologies.
Oh, trust me, I have seen much worse.
- [Sighing.]
Oh.
- And your family is beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- They really are.
Thank you, but that wasn't the entire gang.
Oh, there's more? Uh, I'm surprised the twins haven't army-crawled - their way in here by now.
- Twins? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What y'all eatin'? - Hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Who that lady? Hey.
Yeah, anyway, we thought this would be a great time - Mm.
- for movie night.
- Movie night? - Uh, I don't know your plans, but, uh, you're more than welcome to stay.
- Aww, thank you.
- We got sheets and pillows.
This is incredible.
If I don't see cartoon smoke in 3 seconds where your bodies are, I will not be paying for your college.
- Oh.
- Get out.
RAINBOW: Get out now.
Go.
- I'm-a I will - Go.
- Bye.
- Get out.
Goodb [Chuckles.]
- Wow.
- Oh, it's so cute.
Well, I can tell you that that was definitely just for you.
That was for you because Jack and Diane - Mm-hmm.
- they're in that teenage phase where they never want to be anywhere near their family.
- Like, ever.
- I-I get it.
When our girls were that age, you should have seen how they rolled their eyes, - especially at their father.
- Really? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They roll their eyes in front of my face.
- Well - Oh.
All right? At least show me the respect and roll your eyes when my back is turned.
[Laughs.]
Well, that's the least they could do.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, goodness.
But it's all love, it's all love.
See, it's all love.
Thank you.
- That's what we tell ourselves.
- Listen, I will tell myself [Laughs.]
I just thought it was so much easier when they were younger.
Jack and Diane, when they wouldn't go to sleep, I would do a little Jamaican accent for them.
- Oh, really? - You know what I mean? And they would laugh and laugh and laugh.
And now when I do it for them, they tell me I'm canceled.
[Laughs.]
Well, I got to hear this accent.
- No.
- Come on, baby, you got to do it now.
- Come on, do it, do it.
- Oh, come on.
- Do it! Do it! - Come on.
- Do it! - Come on.
- [Both chanting.]
Do it! - Okay, okay, okay.
All right, ready? Talking about life, dissing our kids it felt like this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
- Everything went smooth tonight.
- Sure did.
All right, tonight, for the first time, I was able to be myself with a person who didn't share my last name.
Mm.
- Can you imagine - Hmm? if we actually become friends with the Obamas? Oh.
Summers in Hawaii, pick-up basketball games, - and guest spots on - Oh.
BOTH: "Waffles + Mochi".
Oh, babe, we could talk about work, we could talk about family, we could talk about life.
[Inhales deeply.]
- We could go to the Grammys, baby.
- Oh, my God, I love the Grammys.
- I could get to this life.
- What would I wear? - I could get used to this life.
- Absolutely.
Wait, she said she wanted to do this again.
- Should I maybe send her a text? - Yes.
- Or else Right? - No, no, baby, after the first date, I'd normally wait five or six days.
- Well, that's not - But, you know, I I rarely had second dates.
Okay, well, maybe just a quick note.
I don't know, something no-pressure, like, breezy.
Uh, oh, hey, I like breezy.
- You like Bree Okay, okay, okay.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
Um, "Thanks for coming.
We had a really nice night.
" - Should I send it? - Yeah, send it.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Both gasp.]
- Oh, my God.
We got bubbles.
- Damn, she's quick.
Okay.
- I know.
"I had a really nice night, too.
" - Oh! - Okay.
- Oh, that's so nice! - Oh, let me see something.
- Um, okay, "When should we do it again?" - That's good.
"Maybe BO44 wants to join.
" Yeah, put it in there right now.
Why not? Hey.
I mean, you know, man, I'm trying to make me a friend.
- [Chuckles.]
Oh, God! - Oh! - Wow, she does not let a text sit.
- Okay, okay, maybe.
Look, there's the bubbles.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh.
"Why don't you and I set a date?" - Oh, God.
Um - All right.
Yeah.
- "I'm not sure about Barack.
" - Oh.
"He's just He's so busy.
He's so busy working on his next book.
" - Yeah.
- She mentioned that.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, babe.
- It's okay, babe.
Oh, my God.
What? I'm the dud.
DRE: I'm used to being the life of the party, so it took me a minute to digest the fact that I received the Presidential Medal of being the dud.
You okay? Nah, I'm good, babe.
You know, I don't need to be friends with the Obamas.
I can learn how to windsurf on my own.
I know it's hurtful, Dre, but you can't take it personally.
They're such busy people.
I mean, they have to make tough choices about their time.
She wanted to hang out with you.
Well, uh, I'm amazing.
[Chuckles.]
But if we can't hang out as a couple, then I don't need to hang out with Michelle Obama.
We're a package.
Aww.
- Thanks, babe.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I guess I let myself kinda like the idea of having couple friends.
- Mm.
- But not just couple friends.
Black couple friends.
Babe, it seemed as if she got us.
You know, I didn't realize how much it takes out of me when we're always unicorns in social situations.
Right.
It's like we're always crashing the party.
- Mm.
- But not tonight.
No.
We had a shared language.
We didn't have to explain ourselves.
It felt It felt so good.
- Yeah.
- So normal.
What does it say about us that we were more comfortable with the first lady than the parents at school? Well that between work - and school - Mm-hmm.
we are not getting as many of these nights as we want and need.
We need to find our people.
Yeah.
Maybe we're looking in the wrong places.
Mm.
- You know what, babe? - Hmm? If you want, you can still hang out with Michelle Obama.
Oh, I was never not going to, honey.
Trust me, I know.
I know.
[British accent.]
Undoubtedly, a fine Courvoisier.
[Laughter.]
[Bad British accent.]
It tickles me throat and warms me liver.
Uh, what's going on? They have dementia.
[Normal voice.]
No, no.
Look, we're celebratin'.
We made a real connection with Michelle Obama, didn't we? [Normal voice.]
Michelle Obama! Hey! I just can't believe Mom and Dad kicked us out like that.
This is the type of thing kids write tell-all books about.
- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, y'all sit down.
Sit down, sit down.
Come here.
Come here.
You sound like a real jerk.
Grandma! I'm sorry, baby.
Now, I know, as teenagers, y'all feel like y'all should get whatever y'all want, whenever y'all want it.
But you don't get to pick and choose when you want to have a family.
You think your parents will always be at your beck and call? The real world don't work that way.
Thank you.
Wow.
[Chuckles.]
With all the smack you talk, we sort of figured you'd be on our side.
Bottom line you can't act like fools without consequences.
Hmm.
I mean, hey, at least we had fun at Mason's party.
No, we didn't.
[Dog barking in distance.]
You tellin' me Michelle Obama liked this excuse for a crumble? Ha-ha! That woman lied to you.
Hey, guys.
Uh, we were thinkin' y'all down for movie night? - What? - What's going on right now? Uh Who do you guys think is in the house, Cardi B? No.
We thought about it, and even though there are no special guests, we still want to hang out with you.
- Really? - Oh.
Wow.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh, you know what? Let me get this movie cued up.
I'm not gonna lie, it's hard, not being able to make new friends.
And maybe I wasn't going to be able to hang out with the first Black president and his beautiful family.
But at least I had my own built-in first family to hang with, and that's priceless.
- RAINBOW: Baby? - Yes, babe? What do you think for dinner? Thai or sushi? Oh.
I forgot to tell you.
You're on your own tonight.
I have plans.
- Hmm.
- With Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union.
Where'd you meet them? Oh, you know, just, uh just out.
Mm-hmm.
Nice.
What'd you guys talk about? Oh, you know, the u-usual stuff.
- You know, uh, the kids, - Oh.
fashion, uh, how the game ain't changed.
- Oh.
- A-As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go meet them at the county fair.
- Oh, the fair.
- [Chuckles.]
The entire county is going to be there.
- Mm.
- Everyone except for you, of course.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Oh, Dre.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Damn it.
Knew I should've went with Will and Jada.