Bob's Burgers s15e12 Episode Script

1
[GENE] I think I've been
in this position too long.
I can't feel my legs.
Could someone look and tell me
- if they're still there?
- Tina will.
- Can I do it later?
- Forget it.
If they're gone, they're gone.
Okay, you clump-a-lumps.
Get up and get dressed.
We don't get dressed on Sundays.
It's the day we worship the TV.
- [ALL GASP]
- [LINDA] Come on.
It's nice out.
We're going on a family walk.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- But our family is terrible at that.
It's too hot for a walk.
It's too cold for a walk.
It's a beautiful day
and we're wasting it
just walking around.
This is happening, and
it's gonna be great.
You always say that.
Your mouth is a lie hole!
Wait, does Dad know about this?
There's no way he
signed off on a "walk."
Oh, yeah. Dad, can you
deal with your wife, please?
- Tina.
- Sorry.
Okay, I'm ready to go.
- Traitor.
- Sorry, kids.
Ha! In your little faces!
Yes, our family walks
have not always been great,
and some have been very bad.
We did have that sort of good one,
before it went bad.
So, yay, walk.
And, hey, I'm prepared this time.
I got sunscreen, I got Band-Aids,
I got a water bottle,
I got a change of shorts for Gene.
- Gene, you know why.
- I do.
And I got these new walking shoes.
You see? Walk, walk, walk.
Aren't they fun?
I hate them! Sorry.
I hate what they stand for.
Oh! The restaurant! We can't walk.
We have to work in the restaurant.
I thought that place closed down.
- Gene.
- Wow. Tina's right, Mom.
I'd love to go on a walk
but, you know, got to work.
Married to my job.
We'll be back in time to open for lunch.
We're just gonna walk to
the end of the Old Pier,
say hi to the ocean and come right back.
The Old Pier?
The one with no fun stuff on it?
Unless you count old fishermen as fun.
[SIGHS] Okay. We'll
go on your death march.
If we can get toys
at the souvenir place.
- Toys? No.
- Candy at the candy place?
- It's 9:30 in the morning.
- Muffins at the muffin place?
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Hmm, it is by the pier.
- Their muffins are really good.
- Muff yeah, they are.
Okay, deal.
We're going on a family walk.
Everybody pee. Wait, me first.
- What happened, man?
- [SIGHS] I said sorry.
[LINDA CLICKS TONGUE] Aw.
You see, kids? It's such a nice day,
- even the bird's walking.
- [TINA] And it's
- eating an old diaper.
- Oh.
Yeah, gross. Still a nice walk, though.
- [GENE] Mm
- Hold on.
Something's funky with my new shoes.
Fun funky. Let me pull up my socks.
Well, hello. Look who's at
- the sunglasses place.
- [TINA] Coach Blevins.
And he's wearing some
sort of shorts that
go all the way down?
Wait, he owns pants?
- [LOUISE] Or rents them.
- [GENE] I guess he's taking
a day off from teaching science
and yelling at kids to "get after it."
You know, I heard a
rumor that Coach Blevins
makes sweat-scented candles.
Sweat-scented candles? Oh, my God.
I know. I'm not not interested.
Gene, we did that the sweat
joke we made the other day
- about Blevins.
- We went viral.
And not in a diarrhea way, for once.
W-Wait, what happened?
Well, let's just say
Gene and I have both been
targeted by Blevins for
our lack of perspiration.
One. And done.
Don't want to get too ripped.
They're called sit-ups,
not lie-downs, Louise.
- Get sweating.
- Ugh.
[GRUNTS]
Gene, come on. Get after it.
I'm just not feeling inspired yet.
And I don't love the choreography,
if I'm being honest.
Just once I'd like to see
you break a sweat during PE.
Would you settle for
seeing me break wind?
So, in the lunch line, Gene said
What is that man's obsession
- with sweating?
- And I said
I think he collects it
to make sweat candles
so his whole house can smell like PE.
And Gene said
Yeah. And then he sells them on Sweatsy.
Kids must have heard us and
spread it around as a rumor.
So, that sweat candle
idea's still up for grabs?
Wait, is that your sort of friend,
- Fifth Grade Megan?
- Where?
Oh, Megan.
Is she following Blevins?
You mean, like, on the socials?
Megan's not allowed to
follow teachers anymore.
That seems like one of
those rules you shouldn't
- have to make a rule about?
- Yeah.
She followed Ms. Santucci
home every day for three days
because she thought Ms.
Santucci was a werewolf.
Now if she does it again
she'll get suspended.
Ms. Santucci's not a werewolf.
She's just European.
- This is nice, right?
- Yeah. No one's even complaining.
Ugh! These socks.
- Yep.
- Hold on.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- Just a tiny little blister Ow.
- Ew. I mean, mm, wow.
Sorry, socks, it's not your fault.
We both know who's to blame here.
It's these shoes. You
failed me, new shoes.
But I've got the
Band-Aids, so we're good.
Do you need anything? You want
a sip of water? You want lip balm?
- A receipt for lip balm?
- Um, no thanks.
- Tampon?
- Maybe later.
[LOUISE] Huh. There's
Blevins, but where's Megan?
- Was there ever a Megan?
- She is a bit of a kook.
Once, during recess, she
tried to convince a few of us
that chickenpox was invented by chickens
as a way to overthrow mankind.
That's not true. Right? [WEAK CHUCKLE]
No, actually, it's a proven fact.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
Why are you guys following me?
- Why are you following Blevins?
- I have my reasons.
You already got in big trouble
for this exact type of stuff.
If Blevins catches you,
it's Suspension City.
And that place doesn't even
have a decent Whole Foods.
- So what gives?
- Okay, I'll tell you.
But I'm not responsible for the danger
this information may put you in.
Uh-huh, yeah, sure.
So, you probably heard
that Coach Blevins
is collecting students'
sweat to make candles.
Oh, God. Megan, listen
But, actually, he's handing
it all over to Big Data.
- Um
- They're mining our sweat for DNA.
They'll be able to predict
who's gonna be a troublemaker,
who's gonna be a goody-goody,
who's gonna go into performing arts.
It all goes into a database
so schools can identify
potential "problem" students.
And then silence them.
Wow. Megan, that's elaborate.
- Thank you.
- And I love hearing
your many theories, which
are all super rational, but
He's on the move, he's on
the move. And once I have
enough proof, I'm gonna go to the cops,
I'm gonna go to the media,
anyone who wants to know the truth.
Tom Cruise? Even though
he can't handle it?
Megan, wait.
Aw, damn it.
So, Megan heard our hilarious rumor
and now she thinks Blevins is part
of a global sweat conspiracy?
And it could get her suspended,
which is not great.
Because it'll be all
your fault, basically?
No, no, no, no, no, no, don't say that.
- I mean, I did say it, 'cause it's true.
- Gah!
Ow, ow, ow, ow,
- ow, ow, ow, ow
- Lin, maybe we should just go home.
Aw. Ow! Ow, ow Why?
-Just an idea. Uh, because, you know,
-Ow, ow, ow,
- of the sounds you're making.
- Ow, ow.
Ugh, fine. I'll never
forgive you for this, shoes.
- I'm sure they feel bad about it.
- No, they don't. Look at them.
They're laughing at me.
Well, the kids'll be thrilled.
Hey, guys? We're-we're gonna head home.
Mom's new walking shoes
aren't great for walking.
Oh. Uh, seriously?
- But can't we keep going?
- You guys want keep walking?
Yeah. We love it so much, it turns out.
And it doesn't have
anything to do with the fact
that a joke we made might
get someone in huge trouble.
- What?
- Nothing!
Aw, they love walking.
- Kids, your mom really isn't up to
- No, I'm fine.
I'm great. Better than great.
- Family walk.
- Is that blood on your sock?
It's just a little
bit of new shoe blood.
It's very normal for this type of shoe.
- Okay, let's walk, people.
- All right!
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
- Oh, my God.
- [GRUNTING]
- Can we, uh, pick up the pace
a little bit here? You
know, get the blood pumping?
Maybe no more blood for Mom, though.
- 'Cause of, um, you know.
- Guys, I don't think
- your mom can go any faster.
- Sure I can.
Ow, ow, ow. See? So fast.
And now I'm gonna sit on the bench, ow.
- Ooh, I could sit.
- Gene.
- Or keep walking.
- Hey,
you kids go ahead, we'll
catch up in no time,
if your dad doesn't slow
us down too much, right?
[LAUGHS] So out of shape,
- he is. [WEAK CHUCKLE]
- Mm. Mm-hmm. Yep.
And, uh, if we don't
catch up, we'll meet you
at the end of the Old Pier, okay?
Family walk. Yay.
- Okay. - See you later.
- Bye.
Oh, wait, here's some muffin money.
Muffin Money is gonna
be my exotic dancer name.
Don't steal it.
We're never gonna make it to that pier.
Yes, we will, damn it.
Bob, you see the
coffee place over there?
Yeah. You want a coffee?
No, we can't afford their coffee.
- I want napkins. For my feet.
- Napkins?
Yeah, I-I just need some more things
between my feet and the
shoes that hate my feet.
So, I should go in and take
napkins without buying anything,
like a criminal?
We let people come in
and take our napkins.
No, you don't. You yell at them.
Yeah, but none of them were bleeding.
- Well, that one guy was.
- I apologized once I found out.
Eh, you said, "Doesn't
seem like that much blood."
Just go and get the napkins, please.
How far up does this go? School board?
The Board of Education?
Could be a whole smorgasbord
of boards in on this.
Megan, listen, you you got to stop.
That sweat candle rumor came
from a very funny joke we made.
And it spread like sweaty wildfire.
Louise, I know sweat
candles aren't a real thing.
Who'd believe something crazy like that?
Yeah, I know, right?
But all rumors have a
touch of truth to them.
And this one got me thinking.
All the signs were there,
I just needed to connect the dots.
Sweat can contain
skin cells, hair cells.
That's why every time a drop of sweat
touches the basketball court,
Blevins immediately wipes it up.
And it explains why he loves dodgeball
so much. Sweat flying
everywhere. And his precious mats?
All he has to do is
wait until class ends,
swab those suckers,
and it's a sweat-fest
ready for processing.
- PE is a BO-scented DNA gold mine.
- [TINA] OMG.
But I haven't been able to figure out
where he's processing the DNA.
The school definitely doesn't have
that kind of equipment, and Blevins
doesn't seem to have a lab set
up at his house or anything.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You
went in Blevins' house?
Oh, my God, no. That's so creepy.
- I watched him through his windows.
- Oh, Megan.
He's getting a call. Okay,
it's probably his handler
to coordinate the drop.
He's talking on his phone
and he's looking in
his bag. He's saying,
"Yes, I have the sweat
samples right here."
- He is?
- I mean, I'm guessing.
I can't read lips. But I do read vibes.
Yeah, I can't think of any other reason
he'd be looking in his bag
and talking on his phone.
- That's the only explanation.
- I know.
He's gonna lead me right
to his processing center.
- His bottom?
- Megan.
We made an incredible joke.
Please don't get suspended over it.
Louise, your "joke" put me on a path
toward truth and justice.
If that gets me suspended, then
- That was deep.
- Megan, stop! Ugh!
- Your fault.
- [LOUISE] Shh!
Cheap Band-Aid that
only sticks to the sock.
Here are the napkins.
Uh, I got a coffee. It's small.
I put it on the credit card.
- We'll pay it off over time.
- Thanks.
- Oh, I also got sugar packets.
- Ooh, free sugar.
-No, not for your mouth. For your feet.
-Oh. For my feet?
- Maybe? Seems kinda cushiony?
- You know what, I'll try it.
Get in there. You get in there, you two.
Hmm. Okay, a little less searing pain.
And the napkin's soaking up the blood
and the sugar's squishy, so that's fun.
Yeah, it's all working out.
Let's go find the kids. Ow.
[CHILDREN PANTING]
[TINA] Will you look at that?
Everyone's jumping on
the muffin train today.
[GENE] Well, it is
muffin season. Which means
just a few more months
till hot scone summer.
[MEGAN] Look at the cover
story of that magazine.
"Bio-tech Breakthrough."
Could that be any more obvious?
[LOUISE] Oh my God, a science teacher
is reading a science magazine?
Call the Pentagon.
[MEGAN] Louise, if it's easier for you
to live in your little dream world
where teachers aren't using our sweat
to create a database,
then maybe it's best
if you just stay asleep.
But some of us have to do something.
You can high-five the
crap out of me later.
Okay, how about this?
If you're so sure that Blevins
is collecting our sweat,
then let's set a trap.
- [GENE] What?
- [TINA] What?
[MEGAN] That's a great idea
I should've already
had. How do we do it?
[GENE] I'm assuming step
one is we get muffins.
- [TINA] Step two, we eat the muffins?
- [GENE] Copy that.
No, we use bait that
Blevins could never resist.
Sweat from the one kid who's
never left a drop in PE.
- What?
- [GRUNTING]
[TINA] Are we gonna get in trouble?
What if Blevins gets suspicious?
Tina, I'm trying to prove a point here.
Gene, you're barely moving.
You actually have to sweat.
I'm warming up. Also, I
don't know any exercises.
Run in place or just do that dance
you're planning on doing when
you meet Prince in Heaven.
But I need Ken to be
my "Jerome" for that.
- [LOUISE] Gene, just do it.
- Ugh, okay, I'll try it.
[GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]
Now get Coach Blevins' attention.
Hi, Coach Blevins!
It's me, Gene Belcher!
Uh, hi, Gene. Are you
- doing the bird?
- Just doing some working out.
You convinced me. And done.
Hoo. Good game, everyone.
Woo! Time to throw this
sweaty, sweaty T-shirt away.
Bye, Coach Blevins. Off I go
to the beach to catch my lunch.
Um, bye?
- Good work.
- Yeah, you really went for it.
[SIGHS] Thank you, but
my eyes are up here.
[MEGAN] And the trap is set.
[LOUISE] And he doesn't care at all.
Well, this has been fun.
Especially the us being super right
and you being so very wrong,
but we need to go meet
our mom and dad and
- [MEGAN] Look.
- [LOUISE] What?
He's just crossing the street to
to What the heck?
- [LAUGHS] I knew it.
- What?
No! My shirt!
Now I'm gonna need
sunscreen for my shoulders,
Mary-Kate and Ashley.
Wait, I thought they were the Judds.
- My jugs are the Judds.
- Oh, yeah.
[LOUISE] I can't believe it.
Coach Blevins took Gene's shirt?
It doesn't make any sense.
[GENE] Like that movie
Stop Making Sense.
Okay, people, this is undeniable proof
that Coach Evan Blevins
is for a fact collecting the
sweat of Wagstaff students
for the behavior predictive database.
- Ugh.
- And, Louise,
we never would've had this breakthrough
- without your idea for the trap.
- No. Shh. No, it [SIGHS]
- [MEGAN] Yeah.
- I'm not here, I'm not part of this.
Another thing that's
your fault. Just saying.
Yeah, thank you. Helpful.
[LINDA GRUNTING]
Oh, God. Stupid feet.
Is it just bone down there?
I don't want to look. It's nasty.
Well, why don't I just go get the car?
No, no. This could be the
start of a new family tradition.
We could be a family of walkers.
Walker Belcher Rangers.
And I can get new feet,
better feet, Uma Thurman feet.
Those can't be real, right? Come on.
We're still kind of
walking with the kids
even though they're, like,
four blocks ahead of us.
I-I can still feel them.
They don't feel kidnapped.
Uh-huh. W-Well, what if,
uh, you-you get on my back?
- Your back?
- I know, it's not good,
but maybe today it'll be strong?
I'll crouch down a-and you climb on.
- You'll crouch down?
- I know.
It's sounding worse and
worse, but let's try, okay?
- Oh, my God.
- All right, here we go.
- Climbing on.
- [GRUNTS]
Lin, you're choking me. Okay.
Will you loosen your arms?
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- It's fine.
- Sorry. Oh
- It's great. Okay.
Okay. Here we go.
[GRUNTING] We're walking.
- Hi, hello.
- [BOB GRUNTING]
Doing great, Bob. Sort of.
Okay, there's a curb
coming up. Use the ramp.
I can't turn. I'm committed.
Come on, legs. You can do this.
And up. Nope.
And up.
- [STRAINING] I'm dying.
- Uh Okay, put me down.
- Put me down. Bob, you okay?
- [GRUNTS]
I heard crackly sounds.
No, that's normal, I think.
Maybe Coach Blevins just
needed a shirt that would fit
a ten-year-old boy
for some reason?
Nice-ish gift for his
least favorite nephew?
It's probably for his dog.
I do have the exact same
torso as an adult corgi.
I just [SIGHS] I don't get it.
There's got to be some explanation.
Hey, Louise, I know
the truth can be scary.
But being afraid of it
doesn't make it any less real.
And if we do nothing, if
we just cover our eyes,
the bad guys win, and then all our fates
are decided by Coach Blevins
wiping our sweaty balls.
- [TINA] And he threw it away.
- [MEGAN] What the
- Ha!
- How dare he.
It's made of cotton.
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
Ugh, forget it. I'll go barefoot.
Throw these things into the ocean.
Or into a volcano. Damn you.
It's too far to go barefoot, Lin.
Plus, the ground's pretty gross,
and you have a lot of open wounds.
[SIGHS] Then leave me. Find a new wife.
Someone with shoes that fit.
- Okay. Oh.
- Bob, I was kidding.
Don't leave me. You
won't like your new wife.
She won't laugh at your
Mrs. Doubtfire impression like I do.
It rolls pretty good.
Oh, Bob, shopping cart. You're a genius.
- [IMITATING MRS. DOUBTFIRE] Hello!
- Ah, there she is.
[NORMAL VOICE] You want
a ride to the pier, ma'am?
Oh, Bobby. It's like I'm a princess.
- Oh, don't roll over that poop.
- Oh, too late.
[LOUISE] Well, Megan, seems
like all you've uncovered
is Coach Blevins' sinister
plan to clean up the boardwalk.
[LAUGHS] So, I'm gonna
go back to the gloating
and saying I was right about everything.
And putting this back
on. Ooh, pepperoni.
- Was that there before?
- [TINA] Gene, no Okay, fine.
That's why he threw away Gene's shirt.
Look. He saw us.
[LOUISE] Oh, please. It's
so blurry you can't tell
- where he's looking.
- That's what he wants you to think.
He's clearly trying to
sabotage this investigation.
By tidying up the community
and just being helpful in general?
Uh, yeah, tidying up his mess.
But I'm not gonna let him win.
We're not gonna let him win, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna edit
this deceptive part out,
where he's clearly
trying to throw us off,
and the world will see the
unvarnished edited truth.
Megan, this is getting serious.
This is an innocent person.
And also, damn, you're in fifth grade,
and you have a phone
that can do all that?
I'm 13, and I don't even
- Tina.
- Yup, right.
Sorry, Louise, it's my duty
to share this with the world.
- And post.
- Megan, no!
Oh, man, big file and no signal.
Oh, bummer. Eh, I guess you can't post.
I got to go. Please,
don't follow me. Thank you.
Damn it. She's looking for Wi-Fi.
We can't let her post that video.
She's running to the muffin place.
- Muffin's gonna stop us now.
- Try the banana rhubarb.
- It's sweet, but not too sweet.
- Thank you.
[PANTING]
Megan! Megan! Don't post that video!
[SNIFFS] Ah That smell.
I want to ask that smell to prom.
I'm already engaged to that smell.
We're having a beach wedding.
- Damn it, the Wi-Fi's locked.
- Oh, good.
You have to buy something
to get the password.
- Oh.
- But the Wi-Fi is exceptional.
Is it possible I can
cut in front of you?
I'm just I'm sort of on
a mission of justice here.
Oh, that's cute. Sorry, no.
- Ha!
- Hmm.
Ugh, that lady just got
the last banana rhubarb.
Are you kidding me?
Aw, Bob, look at the baby. Hi, sweetie.
- So how old is yours?
- He's kidding.
I'm not a baby. I'm just a
grown woman in a shopping cart
'cause my feet are bleeding.
Yeah, my feet are bleeding.
Yes, they are. Yucky, bloody feet.
- [BOB] Oh, here we go.
- [LINDA] Bye, baby.
[BUMPY VOICE] Oh-h-h-h, it's bump-y-y-y.
- Too much?
- Maybe-e-e-e.
Wait, no, I think I like it.
- Megan, you've got to delete that video.
- [SCOFFS]
Actually, unrelated, can I
see your phone real quick?
I just want to make sure my
contact info's up to date.
- Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- Just real quick.
- It's up to date.
- Are you sure?
Yeah. God, what's taking so long?
- People, it's just a muffin.
- Don't listen to her!
- It's so much more.
- It's everything.
Megan, would it be cool to uncover
a nefarious surveillance
ring at Wagstaff?
Uh, yeah. It would be very cool,
but think about how much planning
and precision it would take
for the people who work at
our school to pull that off.
They haven't even figured
out morning drop-off.
It's just people honking.
But they will figure out
how to expel you for this.
[EMPLOYEE] Here you go.
The Wi-Fi password's on the receipt.
I know. I come here a lot.
Thanks for noticing. Hurtful.
- Hi. What can I get you?
- A muffin, please.
Well, what kind? We have over
a dozen different flavors
Whatever. Any muffin. It doesn't matter.
Any muffin, it doesn't matter
Okay. Challenge accepted.
Megan, please. I don't
want you to get suspended,
and I don't want to mess up
an annoying but innocent
gym coach's life, okay?
Listen, I like that you
question stuff. I really do.
That's one of the reasons that
I like being friends with you
kind of friends with you.
But sometimes, you got
to turn some of that
on yourself, you know?
You got to question your questioning.
$2.75, please. Enjoy your
cinnamon passionfruit.
- Or don't. I did my best.
- Thanks.
Megan, please. Please
don't post that video.
- Oh, phew.
- Hello. What can I get you?
- Oh. Uh
- Muffins!
- [PANTING]
- Sorry, he's just excited.
Uh, Gene, calm down,
buddy. Bring it down.
I guess you saved me from getting into
a buttload of trouble, or whatever.
Hey, don't worry about it.
But, uh, yes, I did, and you're welcome.
I hope we can stay kind of friends?
Have you ever seen a video
of a live giant squid?
- No.
- [LAUGHS] Well, you're about to.
Okay.
Whoa. Look at that thing.
Kind of makes you want
a giant squid, right?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I have a plan for that.
How big is your bathtub?
[LINDA] Thanks for getting me here, Bob.
Riding in that shopping
cart made me feel like E.T.
- Your feet look like E.T.
- [LOUISE] Hello, parents.
Hey, you slow pokes finally caught up.
Ooh. There better be a
muffin in there for Mommy.
Of course. How does vanilla nutmeg
with a little bite
taken out of it sound?
That's not that little.
- So you made it, huh, Mom?
- Kind of.
Your father pushed me
here in the shopping cart.
You guys keep getting hotter and hotter.
It was a good walk, huh? A good walk?
Yeah. Sorry we were jerks
about it this morning.
It was way less bad than
I thought it would be.
Really?
Yeah, I'd family walk this family again.
Me, too. I'd walk the walk,
and I'd talk the talk about the walk.
Well, I'm gonna take
the shopping cart back
and go home and get the car
before your mom's feet
fall all the way apart.
Anyone want to go with me?
- Ooh. We just walked
- No, yeah, I'm-I'm done.
- Can we all fit in the cart?
- [SIGHS] Um, no.
Yay! Everyone in the cart!
- I don't want to
- Driver, take us home.
Okay. [STRAINING] It's just
hard to push all of you, but it's fine.
[LINDA] You're gonna like the bumps.
Little pee comes out. Not too much.
[GENE] You packed me
extra shorts. Dad, go nuts.
Family walk ♪
With the family ♪
Family walk ♪
Walk the walk and talk the talk ♪
Family walk ♪
With the family ♪
Family walk ♪
At first, they balk,
then they love that walk ♪
Gonna take a family walk ♪
Get some blood
right on our socks ♪
Then we ride in a shopping cart ♪
That's how we do the family walk ♪
With the family ♪
Family walk ♪
Hey, what's in that muffin box? ♪
Family walk. ♪
[LINDA] It's just a little
bit of new shoe blood.