Broad City (2014) s05e10 Episode Script

Broad City

1 Shit! Ohh! Bitch, it's 10:04! I overslept! I packed my alarm! I'll change so fast! No bra! Save time! - It's 10:44.
- Okay, we got this.
I am not letting you miss your last NYCBEC, bitch! Check, check, check, check it Check it out What, what, what's it all about Work, work, work, work, work it out I think we might get it, dude! Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Okay.
- Come on, sister.
Come on.
We don't got time! Nothing going on Ma'ams, children are dying! Ilana, cat pass! They're starving! They're so hungry! You need to feed them! From the moment they're born, they're dying! This isn't the end! Get us! - We're almost there.
- We're so close.
Yes.
Get ready for the best bacon, egg, and cheese in New York City.
Oh ohh.
What? Oh! Oh, no! Four and three and two and one one I can't believe that the bodega with the best bacon, egg, and cheese is literally gone.
Okay, it's okay.
We're gonna get one right now and forget that ever happened when we're taking painful bacon, egg, and cheese shits later, okay? - Oh, I can't wait.
- Come on.
MAN ON RADIO: You're listening to Hot 97.
Ugh, the sign.
Let's lay on the charm.
Here we go.
- My goodness.
- Wow.
So much on the menu that looks delicious.
- Yeah.
- What do we get? I know it's "wate," but I really would like some "bweakfast" food.
- Hey, hunky boy.
- [GIGGLING] Hi.
Hi.
Can we get two bacon, egg, and cheeses? Nope.
No eggs after 11:00.
You know what? This is this angel's final breakfast - in New York City.
- Yeah.
Before she goes and rebuilds homes for Christian tsunami victims.
Okay, that's not true.
And you are gonna deny her this? You are gonna deny her this Make-A-Wish? For shame.
Shame! Shame! Shame! [DOOR BELL DINGS] Yeah, yeah.
I'm just gonna leave some money for you fellas.
That was inappropriate.
[SCREAMS] [SIGHS] I feel better.
Let's go.
- This is gonna be delish.
- We got this.
- We got this.
- Jesus Christ.
[CROWD CHATTERING] Oh, no, no.
We're not doing this.
I can't believe we couldn't find you one last bacon, egg, and cheese before you go.
I failed you.
No, you didn't, dude.
And also, maybe I, like, can buy the ingredients.
We could FaceTime while I make it in Boulder.
[SOBS] Oh, God.
It's not the bacon, egg, and cheese.
It's just oh, God! Why the fuck would you go to Boulder? I mean, well, mainly for the residency program.
Yeah, yeah, residency, but but what the fuck is the culture there? Rocks? What could you possibly find at Boulder? What does Colorado have to offer that New York City doesn't? Well, for one, recreational weed.
Oh.
[SNIFFS] Right.
Yeah, but you're gonna come so soon.
Oh, my God! I told you you can come whenever you want.
No, look.
Oh.
It is.
It is! [LAUGHS] New York City, you've done it again! Abbi, this is a Wa-Unchi toilet.
Don't you see? We thought we were on some classic Abbi and Ilana New York City journey today.
We thought it was for the bacon, egg, and cheese.
When, in fact, this was our mission all along.
- [LAUGHS] - Okay.
[LAUGHS] Okay, but so so, what is exactly the new mission now? This toilet.
We're gonna bring it back to my house.
Are you sure? Abbi, this is a Wa-Unchi.
It's an intelligent toilet with an UV light that breaks down the germs of fecal matter in the bowl.
It has a heated seat and warm water that sprays in your ass after you take a dump just like a bidet.
God, every time you are sprayed, you are reborn.
Okay, Ilana, this is someone else's.
This is gross.
Just don't touch it so much.
Abbi, this was our tiny little mission for the day.
Come on.
It's a $10,000 toilet.
- Wow.
- I need this.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Let's you know what? Let's take the toilet home! You won't regret it, mister! - I'll get a cab.
- Okay.
Yeah, hey, yes.
Okay.
Tilt.
- I'll do this.
- Legs.
Legs.
Step.
Yeah.
You dick! Toilet discrimination.
Okay, um Okay.
Whoo.
Jesus.
Uber is surging 60 times the normal rate.
Okay, I'll I'll just call us a Lyft.
Woof, my rating is very low.
Probably from the pee incident.
Again, sorry about that.
- Totally fine.
- All right.
How are we gonna get this toilet back to Brooklyn? [UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHS] We're gonna walk it across the bridge? That's right.
Kids are suckers, man.
70 bucks for an old skateboard? Too easy.
I can't believe we've never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge together.
Yeah, it's kind of nuts that we managed to do it individually.
I mean, we're almost always together.
Ilana, I'm really proud of you, dude.
I mean, obviously, for going back to school to become the most badass therapist New York City has ever seen, but also for the Phone Wigs! I mean, I really feel like you have something there.
Like, that has legs, you know? We have so many dope ideas.
We have to make sure we keep up the brainstorming sessions going.
It's really important.
I mean, I strongly, strongly believe in the joint gynecologist/ waxing/laser hair removal thing.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's like a one-stop shop.
Come on, that's genius.
I mean, I still also believe in the Dorito dust.
I mean, I'm just eating the chip for the dust.
- Exactly.
- And it's like cut out the middleman and get me a vial straight of that dust for spicing or for swigging.
I just found out, dude, that Doritos are tortilla chips.
- Wild.
- I mean, no one talks about that.
Whew.
Abbi, I've been thinking a lot about this whole end-of-the-world thing.
If the apocalypse happens, we're not gonna be in the same city.
Shit.
If we're not in the same city, how are we supposed to find each other? Once the electricity goes down, all the banks are gonna be hacked and drained.
- That's exactly what is going to happen.
- Hey, look, a Wa-Unchi.
You know what? First thing you do when you get to Boulder, you go to the bank.
You take out a shit ton of cash.
I'm talking half your savings, okay? You go back to your dorm.
You find a loose floorboard.
You pry it open, and you stuff the cash in there.
You create a hidden nook.
Shit's gonna be nuts.
Ooh, I love hidden nooks.
I'm on it.
I read this article well, headline that said that only four days after it all goes dark, New Yorkers are gonna start killing each other.
We got to get out of the cities and have cash on hand.
Yeah.
We're also gonna need those straws that allow you to drink your own pee.
We're gonna need to get that gel that marathoners use for, like, energy and shit.
Oh, we're also gonna need to get those pants that zip and become shorts so you have both.
You're gonna have to stock up on your contact lenses.
But I really, really think you should consider doing Lasik, for real.
Good call.
Good call.
Okay, where should we plan to meet up? All right.
Why don't I pull up the map? Hold on.
All right, well, it looks like St.
Louis is right in the middle.
I mean, we could meet right in the middle of the arch.
This is so funny.
Colorado is where I thought Montana was.
You're gonna be actually where I thought Oklahoma was.
That's cool.
Mormons are dope.
Well, I think Utah is actually the Mormon area.
Oh, right, right, right.
- Momo's still dope, though.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Abbi, promise me when you get to Colorado, you're also gonna get a bike 'cause that's why everybody's gonna be killing each other for the gas.
Bike's are the O.
G.
best friends of people.
Whew, okay, I'll get a bike.
Hey, let's stop over here for a second.
Okay.
Should we write something? Yeah.
Yeah.
So, should we, uh should we jump? [LAUGHS] Yeah.
No, seriously, should we jump? [LAUGHS] We can't.
We have our big dinner date tonight.
You said the reservations were, like, really hard to get.
- That's true.
- We got to go.
[SIGHS] Ilana, I'm I'm really scared.
I'm, like I'm moving across the country and, like, changing my whole life? I mean, I'm I'm not gonna know anybody.
I'm really scared of the change, too, but we're both gonna be better for it.
You really think so? I know it.
I know it.
You know, Ilana, me and you we're still gonna be us, no matter what.
That's never gonna change.
Even if we're in different cities, that's never gonna change.
I know.
[SOBS] [VOICE BREAKING] But it is gonna change.
But this is still gonna be the most beautiful, deep, real, cool and hot, meaningful, important relationship of my life.
[SOBS] Me, too.
I've never felt so cool.
I've never felt so cool.
Really not not as cool as when I'm with you.
Me, neither.
Abbi? [SOBS] I don't think I can go to this dinner tonight.
I just I can't say goodbye again, you know? This is This is too perfect.
Wait, Ilana, no.
We were gonna splurge and get, like, the whole bottle of wine.
I know, but I can't do it.
I'm really sorry.
You know what? You take the Wa-Unchi.
You'll be the envy of your whole dorm.
It's not a dorm.
Goodbye.
Wait.
[SOBS] Meet you in St.
Louis! What the fuck? Hey, Bevers! I got us food! [MUSIC PLAYING] [CELLPHONE RINGING] [CELLPHONE BUZZES] Hey! BEVERS: Abbi, thank God you picked up.
I fell asleep.
I was sunbathing nude on the roof again.
[LAUGHS] You you were? Yeah, anyway, the door locked behind me.
Can you come up and bring my kimono? I'm extremely sunburned.
Everywhere.
All right, Bevers, uh, you know, cover yourself up.
I don't want to see your sunburned penis.
Open your eyes.
No.
ILANA: It's kosher, dude.
Open 'em up.
ALL: Surprise! What?! Wait.
What, Ilana? Oh, my God.
Come on.
My girl got to have a proper, royal queen send-off.
[LAUGHS] And sorry about the bridge before.
I was very much processing this all at once.
But then also, I had to leave to set this up, so Well, this is the cutest thing I have ever seen, but I have to change.
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Guys, Abbi and I are gonna go downstairs! All right! Abbi and I are back, you guys! Hey! My God.
Trey! Batter up! Trey! Geez.
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.
- Yeah.
I'm really happy to see you.
- Oh.
Oh, I got you something.
They're free weights.
What? Thank you so much.
I'll I'll try to put it on my carry-on.
- Cool, yeah.
- All right.
- Ooh, you all right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got Okay.
I've always said, Abbi and incremental free weights, - match made in heaven.
- Yeah.
You're really special to me, Abbi.
You're really special to me, too.
Well, then, I guess it's now or never.
Abbi Gary Anna Abrams, will you marry me? Um oh, Trey.
Two carats.
No.
Right? Right, yeah, no.
Yeah, no.
[LAUGHS WEAKLY] - You know.
- You know what? - It was a big swing.
- No, no, no.
I just figured, this is my last chance, you know, so [CLEARS THROAT] It's cool.
Maria Cut the video, okay? Delete it.
She said no.
Okay, well, I should probably go 'cause you said no to my proposal, but promise me you'll eat for your blood type, okay? - Okay.
- Yeah.
Done.
Here you go.
- All right.
- Oh, you want that? Thank you so much.
All right, beefcake.
You've had enough time to show off your rock-hard tits and your Adonis ass.
It's time to leave and exit, dawg.
Okay, I was just saying goodbye.
And I took off work for this.
You did? That sucks.
You know what else sucks? When your best friend moves away, and everybody's out for face time for her.
Get out of here! But maybe we'll be friends.
I don't [CLEARS THROAT] have any left.
- Hey! - Ohh.
[BOTH LAUGH] [FARTS] I'm sorry.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too, Linc.
How's Ilana doing? I haven't talked to her yet.
Um, yeah.
Ilana is, uh [LAUGHS] Aww.
You know what? Ilana's gonna be great.
Yeah, I'ma check it.
Okay.
All right.
- See you later.
- I'll catch you.
Enough.
Get out of here.
Go, go! Are you Abbi's friend? Hey.
Hi.
Thank you for inviting me.
Yeah, you're welcome.
- You're Abbi's friend, too, you know? - Yeah.
[SIGHS] We're no longer dating, right? And, uh, we're gonna keep growing our real, yet platonic friendship.
- And that means honesty.
- Yeah.
So, um, I'm gonna be honest with you.
You got to get the fuck out of here.
- What? - Yeah, it's time to go.
- Yeah.
- I heard about grad school.
Jaimé told me.
I wanted to congratulate you.
Yeah, you're a good guy.
We all know it.
- You're gonna be a great - Go, go! Whoo-hoo! Party's over, bitch.
You know, I know it's scary, you know, moving away.
But it's good to remind ourselves that there's other places besides New York City.
Beautiful places.
And New Jersey.
It's gonna be great.
- Yeah.
- 'Sup? - Okay! - Jesus! - Well - Hi.
Hi.
So, Ilana, who are all these people? They're people from your building.
I just needed to fill the party out.
- Ah.
- Mm.
Can't wait for brunch next weekend.
Jersey City is pretty damn lit.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, it is.
Go now, though.
- What? - Like, to To leave.
To exit and leave.
- Good to see ya, Jersey Boy.
Love ya! - I'm sorry.
Hi, guys.
Thank you so much for coming.
You can leave.
Come on, go.
Okay.
So the exit is that way.
Get out of here! Bye! Yeah.
Yeah.
You know I be up to no good [DOOR SLAMS] Okay, I'm almost here.
I'm almost here.
Now we can connect.
Right.
Well, I'm gonna stay at my own place tonight.
Gonna give you two broads some privacy.
And I have a present for you.
You didn't have to get me anything.
Oh, well, it's just So you can store your cheese in here.
Everyone will know whose cheese it is, and they won't be able to take it from you anymore.
Thank you, Bevers.
Oh.
[SOBBING] Yeah.
I I love it.
It's perfect.
And we'll see each other again.
[SOBS] Yeah.
All right.
Brunch at Felix tomorrow at 2:00.
And then a movie.
My choice.
Clear your schedule, bitch.
[SOBS] Thanks for the party.
My pleasure.
Ready? Disney.
Go.
Euro-loving Aryan Nation pre-teen porn.
Walt Disney was, like, um, jizzing, basically, for rich Euros and feudal lords, and Mickey Mouse was supposed to represent a dirty little Jew.
Straight up.
He was, like, on the ship, you know what I mean? Like He was, like, a plotting and scheming dirty little Jew, which I love to plot and scheme, so I'm, like, you got me, Walt.
[LAUGHTER] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Who do I want? Who do I want? I I know.
Ready? From inside the mouth.
Ohh, the Kennedys.
Ooh, thank you.
The Kennedys.
Obviously, first of all, sex addicts.
Second of all, they killed Marilyn Monroe.
Wait, hold on.
I thought Marilyn Monroe died of a drug overdose.
The government killed her because she knew too much.
Like, she just knew stuff about Yeah, she knew about their bodies.
She knew about their policies.
Like, where did you hear that? I will double check, but, um It's widely known.
- Mm.
- It's widely known.
All right.
Well, these are gonna come in handy for when I'm lonely.
Okay, another one.
What's up? - The post office.
- Oof.
Okay, so the way that the post office controls women is [SNORING] [SNORING CONTINUES] Abbi? Abbi, Abbi, are you insane? You you weren't gonna wake me up? Are you psychotic? You were gonna leave without saying goodbye? - I'm sorry, dude.
- [SOBS] We said goodbye a million times.
I-I didn't know how to do this one.
Yeah, but I got you something.
It's a go bag.
The apocalypse will happen, and I will meet you in St.
Louis.
Right, okay.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you, too, dude.
Really, you are, like You're the smartest person I know.
Really.
Yeah, are you kidding me? I'm, like, the only person you know.
[LAUGHS] For real, though, Ilana.
You, like You're gonna kill it.
I'm so excited.
For everything for you.
You've got so much.
So much inside of you.
[SOBS] You have so much to give.
So much all wrapped up.
And you're just letting it unroll.
I mean, I don't even feel like I was, like, alive before I met you.
You, like, taught me Taught me how to do it, dude.
[SIGHS] - Well, you're alive as hell now.
- [LAUGHS] This is really brave, and it's the right thing.
I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.
[CAR HORN HONKS] Come on, you dumb broads! I'm saying goodbye to my best friend, you fucking fuck.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime, emotional moment with my soul sister, you rank rat whore! See if I tip you! You're just so beautiful from the inside out.
No, dude, you are, really.
Okay.
Go.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Okay.
You got this.
You got this.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
[SIGHS] [ENGINE STARTS] Okay.
I love you.
[DOOR RATTLES] No! Jesus, come on![BUZZERS RING] Fuck! Hmm.
Wow.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS] Yes! Freaking jackpot.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] [LAUGHS] Ew.
[MUSIC PLAYING] [CELLPHONE DINGS] ILANA: [LAUGHS] Eww, dude! Insane.
Walking it? Disgusting.
Well, thank you for keeping me up to date on all of New York's most current events.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS] How have you been? Well, since last night, I went to sleep, and then I woke up, and then I went to the coffee shop.
- My coffee shop.
- Cute, cute.
I also went to sleep and woke up, so we are on the same schedule.
Ew, you know what happened to me today? I bumped into this girl, and I was, like, "Sorry.
" And she was, like, "You're fine.
" Ew.
"You're fine"? - Fuck her.
- Right? I'm, like, I know I'm fine, at least.
Just say, "It's okay.
" I mean, that's not even part of my vocabulary.
You have to be, like, trained for that to be a response.
That's right.
Don't tell me my value 'cause you know what? I'm actually foiiine.
- Oh, you foiiine, baby.
- You, too.
All right, listen.
I got to go.
Uh, I'll call you when I leave the studio, okay? Ooh, the studio? Okay.
Love you, baby.
[BLOWS KISS] All right.
Love you, too.
[MUSIC PLAYING] Dude, I am so excited to fucking deejay this bat mitzvah tonight.
Rich children, like, legit know how to party.
But honestly, like, what is deejaying? I think it's just a playlist, right? Yeah, but, like, with a table.
You dropped these.
Oh, my God.
Thanks.
Okay, so who were those guys we ended up playing pool with on the roof last night? I don't know.
I think one of them played for the Knicks.
[BOTH CONVERSING IN SPANISH] [LAUGHS] Wow.
Did you just make change with a homeless guy? First of all, it's a man without a home.
Second, we gonna act like he ain't got no small bills? [BOTH LAUGH] [VOICES OVERLAPPING] The information inside your brain is just vast.
[LAUGHS] Vast and then also, there's nothing.
Yeah, but good nothing.
You're, like, just smart, you know what I mean? - Am I, though? - Yes, you're so smart.
- Thank you.
- I wouldn't say at, like, you know, reading and writing, but [BOTH LAUGH]