Camp Camp (2016) s01e08 Episode Script
Into Town
1 Yawn Grunts of displeasure What did I say? I said don't do fire safety camp and political history camp in the same day.
Unless you reeeaaally want it to turn into riot control camp.
Groan Go.
Get out of here.
What? You're not going to do anyone any good if you keep letting Max get to you like this.
Take a break! I'll cover underwater basket weaving tomorrow.
Take the campmobile and get outta dodge for a day.
Reset! What should I do? How the hell should I know? Go into town and do.
.
whatever it is that you do to blow off steam before you kill someone.
That's not a bad idea.
You're still on fire, b-t-dubbs.
David: Thank you.
Oooh, fascinating! So if you park the ship at a lagrange point then the combined gravitational-- Neil, Nik, let's go! Hey, we're talking here! The moon landings were a hoax filmed in Area 51 orchestrated by the government as a publicity stunt designed to humiliate the Russians in the space race! Noooooo! No, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you-- This is it, he's finally cracking! Well yeah, no wonder, you use that conspiracy theory on him like every other day.
Not him, David! The revolution is working! He's going BONKERS! And he's going into town.
.
Into town? To do what? We're gonna find out! [Car starting.]
Oh! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay.
Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There's endless possibilities, AND NO THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's Campe Diem and that means I'm telling you We've got: archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking horseback, training that'll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming, keeping up with rhyming, football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal, fantasies, circus trapeze, and fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes, and knives, and chess, and dance, and weights-- It's Camp Camp! Sighs Sweet 22.
2 degrees Celsius, here we come! You idiot! This isn't about air conditioning! This is our chance to study David! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I always kinda dry out in AC.
And it makes me sneeze.
Hush, you! Just what exactly do you think he's into? Hookers and blow! Both: What?! I dunno what it is, but my dad and his friends always said that they wish they could do that for fun.
And then they would laugh! Ha.
Maybe that's what David likes.
Look! There's no way anyone that happy can exist.
He's gotta have a weakness.
And I'm gonna find it.
click Tape: "Welcome to the audio audition of the Farmer's Almanac for the year of our Lord, 1972 being in a being in a bisextile, or leap year.
Includes a weather forecast for all regions of the USA as well as planning cables, and Zodiac secrets, for every month.
" Hoho, this one's gonna be good! You gotta be kidding me.
He has.
To have.
A WEAKNESS! You're hurting me.
"It's the 196th year--" [Car Stops.]
[Door Slam.]
Finally, back in the real world! Sweet, sweet civilization.
Uhh guys, not so much.
What fresh hell is this? There's, there's nothing.
What does anyone around here do for fun? Man: Fun? It been no fun here since '09.
Something happen a few years ago? 1909! When the mayor actually outlawed fun.
The great Naked Ankle incident of '09.
Aww, somebody's always gotta push it too far, ruin it for everyone else.
Njeh.
Okay? Oh damn it, target's in motion! Let's move out guys! Guys? Great Scott! Neil? Neil! Neil, we gotta go! Nikki, how bout.
.
M-Max, I-I'm not feeling so great all of a sudden.
[Snapping.]
Groaning No! We lost him! Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Huh? Neil, you go be Neil in the nerd shop.
Just stay here, and keep an eye on the wagon.
Get ready to haul ass if you see David about to leave.
I'm home! Yeah, okay Alright, Nikki, let's go David-hunting.
Okay Coughing Eeny-meeny-miney-mo What lame place did David go in? Groaning Do your eyes hurt? So, what sort of poor excuse for root beer do you got on tap? Don't server your kind here.
Your kind? Your kind!? Care to be more specific, sir? I'm calling you out! Kids.
Oh, well that's totally understandable.
I'll keep it quick then.
Whatcha know about a guy named David? Runs one of those camps out on the lake.
Might of just been through here? Kind of guy all the neighbors say they never saw it coming when he finally snapped? Nikki: Looks like this? Him? Yeah, he's a bit on edge now, isn't he? Kept saying something about how it was all some kid's fault.
I know what you're thinking.
You're totally right.
So, he come here often? Is he a sad drunk? Happy drunk? Gay drunk? Hmm, don't know about any of that.
Guess he DID hit his Shirley Temple pretty hard.
He beat a woman!? David, you unbelievable bastard, I didn't know you had it in you! Where is he now? Looked like he was headed down Plain Street.
Might of hopped into Muffin Tops? He went to a bakery? Poor, desperate David.
Is this where you go for women? Max? I think I'm dying.
Me too, Nikki.
Dying to catch David in the act.
Let's go! [Various TV Show Noises.]
Oh hey there, kiddo, whatcha doin' there? How did you guys ever make this stuff work? Shooting electrons out of a cathode radio to excite phosphorus? I mean, it's charming in a tin cups and strings sort of way.
Know a little something about electronics, do you? Meh, a little something.
Hello, Lester! Hey there, Fred.
Beautiful day out there, ain't it? Yep, beautiful day.
Almanac says there shouldn't be any rain for Guys, guys.
I'm trying to watch here.
Oh, sorry son.
What seems to be the problem there, Fred? Well, Lester, the old HAM here's on the fritz again.
Guys, come on.
Again? Mmh.
Let me take a look.
I woulda thought that new capacitor should of done the [Jingling noises.]
[Radio crackles.]
Here.
Haha, well thanks! Well I'll be hornswoggled.
Don't come back! Come back when you're 18.
[Door slams.]
I.
Was not prepared for that.
There you are! A hardware store? I don't get it.
Chuckles Mmh.
Whistling Heh? Ah! Screams Huh? Hello~! Grunting Scared noises Bell rings Panting Neil! Red alert! Huh? This is it, he's snapped! We gotta go! But we don't close 'till By Tesla's coils! What? Wait! Who are you and what have you done with Nikki? Max, what did you do to her? Is she dying? She was with me the whole time as we were ran around town! Neednature.
Nikki, go home.
Vomiting [Car honk.]
He's here! Wait, what is all that stuff? He's gonna kill me! What? We went too far! What do you mean 'we'? This is all you! Yeah, but I didn't wanna drive him to murder.
I just wanted to show him that his entire philosophical outlook on life is flawed and that fundamental beliefs and ideaologies he holds so dearly are trivial so that he'll start crying himself to sleep like the rest of us! I'm not a monster! Max! Neil: Squeak Coughing Hi, David.
I'm suddenly regretting multiple recent choices.
This is your fault, Max.
Shut up! This is fine! As soon as we get back to camp we find Gwen and-- He's not taking us back to camp! All I've ever tried to do is help you.
I keep trying to tell you about the joys of camping.
Of being part of a team, of helping your fellow campers.
But no.
You never try.
You just push and push and push.
I don't know what to say anymore.
I've got nothing left.
You left me no choice.
[Hammering.]
[Chopping of wood.]
Neil: Whimper Are you.
Fucking.
Serious?! Yay! Hahaha! You sick bastard.
Your getaway from the camp is TO GO CAMPING!? I don't know what to tell you anymore about how cool camping can be.
All I can do now, is show you.
The hell you think you're going? I gotta get back to work.
I got a 401K, whatever that is.
Come on guys! Did you know I have the Farmer's Almanac on tape? If we start now we can finish 1973! Groaning Just.
Kill us!
Unless you reeeaaally want it to turn into riot control camp.
Groan Go.
Get out of here.
What? You're not going to do anyone any good if you keep letting Max get to you like this.
Take a break! I'll cover underwater basket weaving tomorrow.
Take the campmobile and get outta dodge for a day.
Reset! What should I do? How the hell should I know? Go into town and do.
.
whatever it is that you do to blow off steam before you kill someone.
That's not a bad idea.
You're still on fire, b-t-dubbs.
David: Thank you.
Oooh, fascinating! So if you park the ship at a lagrange point then the combined gravitational-- Neil, Nik, let's go! Hey, we're talking here! The moon landings were a hoax filmed in Area 51 orchestrated by the government as a publicity stunt designed to humiliate the Russians in the space race! Noooooo! No, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you-- This is it, he's finally cracking! Well yeah, no wonder, you use that conspiracy theory on him like every other day.
Not him, David! The revolution is working! He's going BONKERS! And he's going into town.
.
Into town? To do what? We're gonna find out! [Car starting.]
Oh! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay.
Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There's endless possibilities, AND NO THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's Campe Diem and that means I'm telling you We've got: archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking horseback, training that'll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming, keeping up with rhyming, football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal, fantasies, circus trapeze, and fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes, and knives, and chess, and dance, and weights-- It's Camp Camp! Sighs Sweet 22.
2 degrees Celsius, here we come! You idiot! This isn't about air conditioning! This is our chance to study David! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I always kinda dry out in AC.
And it makes me sneeze.
Hush, you! Just what exactly do you think he's into? Hookers and blow! Both: What?! I dunno what it is, but my dad and his friends always said that they wish they could do that for fun.
And then they would laugh! Ha.
Maybe that's what David likes.
Look! There's no way anyone that happy can exist.
He's gotta have a weakness.
And I'm gonna find it.
click Tape: "Welcome to the audio audition of the Farmer's Almanac for the year of our Lord, 1972 being in a being in a bisextile, or leap year.
Includes a weather forecast for all regions of the USA as well as planning cables, and Zodiac secrets, for every month.
" Hoho, this one's gonna be good! You gotta be kidding me.
He has.
To have.
A WEAKNESS! You're hurting me.
"It's the 196th year--" [Car Stops.]
[Door Slam.]
Finally, back in the real world! Sweet, sweet civilization.
Uhh guys, not so much.
What fresh hell is this? There's, there's nothing.
What does anyone around here do for fun? Man: Fun? It been no fun here since '09.
Something happen a few years ago? 1909! When the mayor actually outlawed fun.
The great Naked Ankle incident of '09.
Aww, somebody's always gotta push it too far, ruin it for everyone else.
Njeh.
Okay? Oh damn it, target's in motion! Let's move out guys! Guys? Great Scott! Neil? Neil! Neil, we gotta go! Nikki, how bout.
.
M-Max, I-I'm not feeling so great all of a sudden.
[Snapping.]
Groaning No! We lost him! Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Huh? Neil, you go be Neil in the nerd shop.
Just stay here, and keep an eye on the wagon.
Get ready to haul ass if you see David about to leave.
I'm home! Yeah, okay Alright, Nikki, let's go David-hunting.
Okay Coughing Eeny-meeny-miney-mo What lame place did David go in? Groaning Do your eyes hurt? So, what sort of poor excuse for root beer do you got on tap? Don't server your kind here.
Your kind? Your kind!? Care to be more specific, sir? I'm calling you out! Kids.
Oh, well that's totally understandable.
I'll keep it quick then.
Whatcha know about a guy named David? Runs one of those camps out on the lake.
Might of just been through here? Kind of guy all the neighbors say they never saw it coming when he finally snapped? Nikki: Looks like this? Him? Yeah, he's a bit on edge now, isn't he? Kept saying something about how it was all some kid's fault.
I know what you're thinking.
You're totally right.
So, he come here often? Is he a sad drunk? Happy drunk? Gay drunk? Hmm, don't know about any of that.
Guess he DID hit his Shirley Temple pretty hard.
He beat a woman!? David, you unbelievable bastard, I didn't know you had it in you! Where is he now? Looked like he was headed down Plain Street.
Might of hopped into Muffin Tops? He went to a bakery? Poor, desperate David.
Is this where you go for women? Max? I think I'm dying.
Me too, Nikki.
Dying to catch David in the act.
Let's go! [Various TV Show Noises.]
Oh hey there, kiddo, whatcha doin' there? How did you guys ever make this stuff work? Shooting electrons out of a cathode radio to excite phosphorus? I mean, it's charming in a tin cups and strings sort of way.
Know a little something about electronics, do you? Meh, a little something.
Hello, Lester! Hey there, Fred.
Beautiful day out there, ain't it? Yep, beautiful day.
Almanac says there shouldn't be any rain for Guys, guys.
I'm trying to watch here.
Oh, sorry son.
What seems to be the problem there, Fred? Well, Lester, the old HAM here's on the fritz again.
Guys, come on.
Again? Mmh.
Let me take a look.
I woulda thought that new capacitor should of done the [Jingling noises.]
[Radio crackles.]
Here.
Haha, well thanks! Well I'll be hornswoggled.
Don't come back! Come back when you're 18.
[Door slams.]
I.
Was not prepared for that.
There you are! A hardware store? I don't get it.
Chuckles Mmh.
Whistling Heh? Ah! Screams Huh? Hello~! Grunting Scared noises Bell rings Panting Neil! Red alert! Huh? This is it, he's snapped! We gotta go! But we don't close 'till By Tesla's coils! What? Wait! Who are you and what have you done with Nikki? Max, what did you do to her? Is she dying? She was with me the whole time as we were ran around town! Neednature.
Nikki, go home.
Vomiting [Car honk.]
He's here! Wait, what is all that stuff? He's gonna kill me! What? We went too far! What do you mean 'we'? This is all you! Yeah, but I didn't wanna drive him to murder.
I just wanted to show him that his entire philosophical outlook on life is flawed and that fundamental beliefs and ideaologies he holds so dearly are trivial so that he'll start crying himself to sleep like the rest of us! I'm not a monster! Max! Neil: Squeak Coughing Hi, David.
I'm suddenly regretting multiple recent choices.
This is your fault, Max.
Shut up! This is fine! As soon as we get back to camp we find Gwen and-- He's not taking us back to camp! All I've ever tried to do is help you.
I keep trying to tell you about the joys of camping.
Of being part of a team, of helping your fellow campers.
But no.
You never try.
You just push and push and push.
I don't know what to say anymore.
I've got nothing left.
You left me no choice.
[Hammering.]
[Chopping of wood.]
Neil: Whimper Are you.
Fucking.
Serious?! Yay! Hahaha! You sick bastard.
Your getaway from the camp is TO GO CAMPING!? I don't know what to tell you anymore about how cool camping can be.
All I can do now, is show you.
The hell you think you're going? I gotta get back to work.
I got a 401K, whatever that is.
Come on guys! Did you know I have the Farmer's Almanac on tape? If we start now we can finish 1973! Groaning Just.
Kill us!