Camp Camp (2016) s01e12 Episode Script
The Order of the Sparrow
1 Why the hell are we up this early? - Camp Campbell campers! [dramatic drumming.]
Hau.
["How".]
- Why.
Oh! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay.
Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There's endless possibilities, AND NO THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's Campe Diem and that means I'm telling you We've got: archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking horseback, training that'll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming, keeping up with rhyming, football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal, fantasies, circus trapeze, and fights and ghosts and paints and snakes and knives and chess and dance and weights â It's Camp Camp! I am sure you must be wondering who we are, but have no fear.
I â - David, what the fuck are you doing? - I am not David! thoughif he were here he'd tell you to mind your language.
I am chief Squatting Bear.
- Oohhh that's awesome.
- Gwen, why is David dressed like a turkey? - because he's fucking David, Nikki.
you've been here long enough to figure that out.
- Gwen! Don't break character! And I'm not a turkey.
I'm an indian chief.
- Like Max? - What? Uh â No! Like the Cherokees! You know, WOWOWOWOWOWOL! - Wow, that is racist.
- Seriously.
Are you offended? - Silence! Do your thing.
Uhright.
We represent the Order of the Sparrow.
A secret society that gathers only to honor the most worthy of campers.
- So then what are you doing here? - [Sighs.]
Look, guys, the order's been around since I was a camper.
It's a huge honor! And it's really cool! - I'll believe that when I see it.
- Oh you will, Max, because today you will all be given the chance to prove your worth.
(whining): - Do we have to? - No, but â WAIT! Nevermind! It's mandatory! [all sighing.]
but, those of you who are accepted into the Order will receive the ultimate prize.
- Huh? There's a prize? - What is it! - Tell us now, turkey-man! - Yeah.
Wait what prize? - All will be revealed at the setting of the sun, sister Gwen.
So, shall we begin? ALL: Yeah! MAX: Well this is stupid.
NEIL: Seriously.
"Do good every day?" that's just bad grammar.
I think it's "Do good" like a superhero.
- I could be the hero this camp deserves.
- I can be nice! I'm the nicest! - Great! Because you all have until sundown to convince me.
- David! You know me! You know I love nature! You know if I could I would have BABIES with nature.
So do I get my prize now? - Calm down, Nikki - Aaah! - Step off! May I help you up, David? - Nurf! That was â - A very kind gesture, I know.
So can my prize be cigarettes? - You sure this will work? - Uhyes! - Harrison! - Oh, Nerris, you clumsy fool! Never fear.
I shall save you out of the kindness of my gold heart.
- Gwen! - David, please.
Allow me to assist you with the consumption of your sandwich.
There we are.
All chewed up for you! - Um - Here comes the zeppelin! - Gah!! [yelling.]
- Resistance is futile, turkey-man! - What in the â Hey, David.
Like what I've done with the place? - Wh-What did you do to the camp! - I cleaned it! The floors were covered in dirt! - That's because it's the forest! - I know! I really did some good today.
So for my prize, I was thinking of a Broadway deal.
- Preston, put it all back now! Please! - But â - I'm on it! [truck reversing.]
beepbeepbeep [hydraulics hissing.]
- Agh! - Uh, I'll take my hover boots now.
NEIL: David, witness me.
Witness my love for nature.
muack - Ow! You whore! Let me love you! Goddamnit! MAX: This doesn't count, David.
They don't ACTUALLY care.
- W-w-what do you mean! Of course they do! Look at 'em! No.
They're just doing all of this because they think they'll get something awesome - A little motivation never hurt anyone.
- Until they find out there IS no prize.
- Of course there's a prize! It's a great prize! - Money? - No! A new pony? A motorcycle? An electron microscope! - No! It's better than all of that! It's symbolic and beautiful! Is it "a job well-done?" Because that's a fucking cop-out, David! - IT'S A BONFIRE.
ALL: What??! - What? - A bonfire! - a bonfire.
- Yes! It's the highest honor.
The fire is lit with a flaming arrow signifying the â - Wait.
We don't actually get anything? - I meanof course you do! Everyone gets their own sash.
Like this! - But it's so ugly! - W-well - David, is this seriously it? - Yeah, David.
- Okay.
You guys just aren't seeing it.
I'm telling you.
This is amazing.
The big fire, there's music, a ceremony, oh! And the passing of the staff! The chief chooses a new member to carry his staff and lead the new generation of sparrows! - So, one of us gets a stick? - IT'S AN ANCIENT STAFF.
QUARTERMASTER: Welp, this is a trainwreck.
- No wait, I'll show you! Let me just get it lit.
[thunder.]
- David, let it go.
- No, no, no! I can still light it! You'll see! - I can't believe I frenched a platypus for this - Come on, kids.
Guys, wait! I-I've almost got it, I'm sure! [grunts.]
- Well, David, you were right.
This IS amazing.
- If I could just show you - Do you really think a big campfire and some outdated honestly, kind of racist tradition is going to make anyone care about anything? No one gives a shit, David.
Nobody want to be here.
[grunting intensifies.]
God.
It's like you live in this stupid make-believe world where "everything's great!" The universe doesn't work that way, idiot Just look around! It's what I've been trying to show you since day one.
Life sucks.
And we live in a world of desensitized, apathetic assholes.
Why don't you just get with the program and stop giving a shit? - You're right.
- What? - Times have changed.
Whether I like it or not.
The campers don't care, Gwen doesn't care, even the founder of this place has better things to do.
That's why I'll never stop trying.
Because somebody fucking has to.
[thunder.]
- David - Go back to your tent, Max.
You'll just catch a cold.
Oh, give me a break! - David! - Huh? - Campe Diem, brother David.
- Oh my gosh.
You all look perfect! - And it's all thanks to your guidance, David.
- Let us rejoice.
- David, I am the spirit of the Order of the Sparrow.
Thank you for showing the children the joy of camping, nature and life.
Also, hey! I'm your real father.
- Oh thank you, spirit! This is all just so incredible! I feel like I'm dreaming! - That's because you are, idiot.
- What? GWEN: David.
David? David, can you hear me? - Gwen? Aah! NIKKI: Wake up, buttercup! - Nikki, no more arrows! - You can't control me, white devil! WOWOWOWOWOWOL! - You're all dressed up as - Indians.
Just like you said! - We designed the outfits ourselves.
- Do you love them? I LOVE THEM! - But, why? - Alright, I fixed it.
Everybody hurry up and ah, shit.
He's awake.
- Max? Did you â - DO NOT LOOK TOO DEEPLY INTO THIS.
You suck, this world sucks, and one day we're all gonna die and none of it will matter, but if we didn't do this, I'm pretty sure you'd kill yourself or something.
- [sniffles.]
Oh, Max! - Or shoot up the camp.
I don't know.
It was a possibility.
- Thank you.
- Whatever.
Just take your stupid stick.
SPACE KID: Lucky.
- You know, it is kinda nice.
[guitar strum.]
There's a place I know that's tucked away A place where you and I can stay.
Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day.
I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true.
- Hey Max, how'd you start a fire with wet wood, anyway? - I'm not an idiot, David.
I used gasoline.
- Wait what.
EXPLOSION NIKKI: Waaahooo! Do it again! Do it again! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you.
["Keeper of the Flame" by Ricke Branson & Solar Slim playing.]
Hau.
["How".]
- Why.
Oh! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay.
Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There's endless possibilities, AND NO THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's Campe Diem and that means I'm telling you We've got: archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking horseback, training that'll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming, keeping up with rhyming, football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal, fantasies, circus trapeze, and fights and ghosts and paints and snakes and knives and chess and dance and weights â It's Camp Camp! I am sure you must be wondering who we are, but have no fear.
I â - David, what the fuck are you doing? - I am not David! thoughif he were here he'd tell you to mind your language.
I am chief Squatting Bear.
- Oohhh that's awesome.
- Gwen, why is David dressed like a turkey? - because he's fucking David, Nikki.
you've been here long enough to figure that out.
- Gwen! Don't break character! And I'm not a turkey.
I'm an indian chief.
- Like Max? - What? Uh â No! Like the Cherokees! You know, WOWOWOWOWOWOL! - Wow, that is racist.
- Seriously.
Are you offended? - Silence! Do your thing.
Uhright.
We represent the Order of the Sparrow.
A secret society that gathers only to honor the most worthy of campers.
- So then what are you doing here? - [Sighs.]
Look, guys, the order's been around since I was a camper.
It's a huge honor! And it's really cool! - I'll believe that when I see it.
- Oh you will, Max, because today you will all be given the chance to prove your worth.
(whining): - Do we have to? - No, but â WAIT! Nevermind! It's mandatory! [all sighing.]
but, those of you who are accepted into the Order will receive the ultimate prize.
- Huh? There's a prize? - What is it! - Tell us now, turkey-man! - Yeah.
Wait what prize? - All will be revealed at the setting of the sun, sister Gwen.
So, shall we begin? ALL: Yeah! MAX: Well this is stupid.
NEIL: Seriously.
"Do good every day?" that's just bad grammar.
I think it's "Do good" like a superhero.
- I could be the hero this camp deserves.
- I can be nice! I'm the nicest! - Great! Because you all have until sundown to convince me.
- David! You know me! You know I love nature! You know if I could I would have BABIES with nature.
So do I get my prize now? - Calm down, Nikki - Aaah! - Step off! May I help you up, David? - Nurf! That was â - A very kind gesture, I know.
So can my prize be cigarettes? - You sure this will work? - Uhyes! - Harrison! - Oh, Nerris, you clumsy fool! Never fear.
I shall save you out of the kindness of my gold heart.
- Gwen! - David, please.
Allow me to assist you with the consumption of your sandwich.
There we are.
All chewed up for you! - Um - Here comes the zeppelin! - Gah!! [yelling.]
- Resistance is futile, turkey-man! - What in the â Hey, David.
Like what I've done with the place? - Wh-What did you do to the camp! - I cleaned it! The floors were covered in dirt! - That's because it's the forest! - I know! I really did some good today.
So for my prize, I was thinking of a Broadway deal.
- Preston, put it all back now! Please! - But â - I'm on it! [truck reversing.]
beepbeepbeep [hydraulics hissing.]
- Agh! - Uh, I'll take my hover boots now.
NEIL: David, witness me.
Witness my love for nature.
muack - Ow! You whore! Let me love you! Goddamnit! MAX: This doesn't count, David.
They don't ACTUALLY care.
- W-w-what do you mean! Of course they do! Look at 'em! No.
They're just doing all of this because they think they'll get something awesome - A little motivation never hurt anyone.
- Until they find out there IS no prize.
- Of course there's a prize! It's a great prize! - Money? - No! A new pony? A motorcycle? An electron microscope! - No! It's better than all of that! It's symbolic and beautiful! Is it "a job well-done?" Because that's a fucking cop-out, David! - IT'S A BONFIRE.
ALL: What??! - What? - A bonfire! - a bonfire.
- Yes! It's the highest honor.
The fire is lit with a flaming arrow signifying the â - Wait.
We don't actually get anything? - I meanof course you do! Everyone gets their own sash.
Like this! - But it's so ugly! - W-well - David, is this seriously it? - Yeah, David.
- Okay.
You guys just aren't seeing it.
I'm telling you.
This is amazing.
The big fire, there's music, a ceremony, oh! And the passing of the staff! The chief chooses a new member to carry his staff and lead the new generation of sparrows! - So, one of us gets a stick? - IT'S AN ANCIENT STAFF.
QUARTERMASTER: Welp, this is a trainwreck.
- No wait, I'll show you! Let me just get it lit.
[thunder.]
- David, let it go.
- No, no, no! I can still light it! You'll see! - I can't believe I frenched a platypus for this - Come on, kids.
Guys, wait! I-I've almost got it, I'm sure! [grunts.]
- Well, David, you were right.
This IS amazing.
- If I could just show you - Do you really think a big campfire and some outdated honestly, kind of racist tradition is going to make anyone care about anything? No one gives a shit, David.
Nobody want to be here.
[grunting intensifies.]
God.
It's like you live in this stupid make-believe world where "everything's great!" The universe doesn't work that way, idiot Just look around! It's what I've been trying to show you since day one.
Life sucks.
And we live in a world of desensitized, apathetic assholes.
Why don't you just get with the program and stop giving a shit? - You're right.
- What? - Times have changed.
Whether I like it or not.
The campers don't care, Gwen doesn't care, even the founder of this place has better things to do.
That's why I'll never stop trying.
Because somebody fucking has to.
[thunder.]
- David - Go back to your tent, Max.
You'll just catch a cold.
Oh, give me a break! - David! - Huh? - Campe Diem, brother David.
- Oh my gosh.
You all look perfect! - And it's all thanks to your guidance, David.
- Let us rejoice.
- David, I am the spirit of the Order of the Sparrow.
Thank you for showing the children the joy of camping, nature and life.
Also, hey! I'm your real father.
- Oh thank you, spirit! This is all just so incredible! I feel like I'm dreaming! - That's because you are, idiot.
- What? GWEN: David.
David? David, can you hear me? - Gwen? Aah! NIKKI: Wake up, buttercup! - Nikki, no more arrows! - You can't control me, white devil! WOWOWOWOWOWOL! - You're all dressed up as - Indians.
Just like you said! - We designed the outfits ourselves.
- Do you love them? I LOVE THEM! - But, why? - Alright, I fixed it.
Everybody hurry up and ah, shit.
He's awake.
- Max? Did you â - DO NOT LOOK TOO DEEPLY INTO THIS.
You suck, this world sucks, and one day we're all gonna die and none of it will matter, but if we didn't do this, I'm pretty sure you'd kill yourself or something.
- [sniffles.]
Oh, Max! - Or shoot up the camp.
I don't know.
It was a possibility.
- Thank you.
- Whatever.
Just take your stupid stick.
SPACE KID: Lucky.
- You know, it is kinda nice.
[guitar strum.]
There's a place I know that's tucked away A place where you and I can stay.
Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day.
I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true.
- Hey Max, how'd you start a fire with wet wood, anyway? - I'm not an idiot, David.
I used gasoline.
- Wait what.
EXPLOSION NIKKI: Waaahooo! Do it again! Do it again! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you.
["Keeper of the Flame" by Ricke Branson & Solar Slim playing.]