Celebrity Island with Bear Grylls (2016) s17e11 Episode Script
Bestest Bits
(CLASSICAL MUSIC) (CHUCKLES) Morning.
As you can see, it's me, Keith Lemon, and I'm doing the links for the compilation show for the best bits of series 17.
I'm filming it all by myself on my telephone.
I will arise from my pit, get in the shower, clean my pink bits and get on with my day.
So, come along and enjoy yourself.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' It's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock spaceship.
There's Gina D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio just in time for the bestselling show on telly.
What's that show? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were though.
You're joining me as you um Cut.
I'll do that again.
Yeah, so I'm gonna film all day and do links for the programme.
I think you can see a little cheeky reflection of my cheeks behind over there.
Never mind.
OK, before I get dressed let's have a quick recap at some of the best bits of Celebrity Juice starting with this little piece now.
Ore Obiscuit.
You have got a really embarrassing secret.
Oh, gosh.
What have you got? You're scared of birds, aren't you? Yeah.
Why are you scared of the flange then? (LAUGHTER) Different kind of birds.
That's why we've put you on a team of all guys.
(LAUGHTER) But don't worry, there's no seagulls in here.
We've checked the studio and there's no birds.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Is it real? It's not real.
Is it real? It's just a toy one.
Please, I've got to see that again.
Let's look at an action replay of that.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (AS PADDY MCGUINNESS) Eat Me Out, You Bastard.
It's called Eat Me Out, You Bastard.
(AS PADDY MCGUINNESS) Hello and welcome to Eat Me Oot.
This is the game where people get to lick out creamy goodness from a chocolate egg.
Well, I'll tell That's how you do it, don't you? (LAUGHTER) (AS PADDY MCGUINNESS) Now then, florry, what's gonna happen here, raight, is you're gonna pop a chocolate egg in your mooth - that's right, in your mooth, by 'eck'll dill doody - whilst your teammate tries to lick oot the cream.
Oh, God.
No.
The team with the cleanest eggs that have been licked raight oot (LAUGHTER) .
.
will win a point for the team.
Let the point meet the team.
That's what they say it's all about.
(LAUGHTER) You'll go on the klaxon.
Oh, you've gone right in.
(LAUGHTER) It's in, it's in, it's in.
Got the egg in.
He's gone too deep.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, but Paddy (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I don't like I don't like it.
Just suck and see.
Just suck and see.
(LAUGHTER) Ugh! (LAUGHTER) Ugh! (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Let's have an action replay.
Take a look at this.
# Je T'aimeMoi Non Plus (LAUGHTER) For technique and commitment I'm gonna give the point to Paddy's team! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Still getting ready.
Still getting ready.
OK, what shoes, what shoes, what shoes, what shoe? UhuhI'll just Need a hat.
I'll use that one today.
Now, you might find this a little bit weird but to give me that extra kick when I'm filming Celebrity Juice, when I have my cereal I like to put a bit of booze in it.
Oh, that's nice.
I mean, what you've got there is not cereal but cere-ale.
It gives me that extra kick that I need when I'm doing Celebrity Juice to get into that party mood.
Mm! Nice.
The last time you came on, Pamela, Gino was trying to impress you.
We were on a date.
It was tragic.
That's right, yeah.
I showed a strong bond over our shared love for animals.
Can you remember when I rescued a cat? That was fake.
No, there was It wasn't a real cat.
(LAUGHTER) There was a cat being hassled by some naughty men and I saved it.
If there was ever an animal in distress, no regard for my safety, I would try and do the best for the animal.
I know, it's (SQUEAKING) What's that? (SQUEAKING) An animal in distress.
Let's cut to outside! FEARNE: Ohh! What's possibly gonna happen?! I'm gonna go save it! # BONNIE TYLER: I Need A Hero (TYRES SCREECH AND HEAVY THUD) No-o-o-o! Bastard! (MOURNFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC) (LAUGHTER) Ohh.
Oh, poorpoor baby.
Don't worry.
I'll try and bring you back.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bless you and everyone.
So, um, I've had I've cleaned all my pink bits.
As you can see I'm wearing a lovely floral jacket.
I'm make-up free.
I'm one of those celebrities that don't care.
Keep it real.
They'll probably put some clart on my face when I get there, just to make me look even more handsome.
I'm in the car with Stavros is here.
We're just arriving.
I don't know if you can see cos of t'rain.
Elstree Studios.
Living the dream.
Now, they film a lot of programmes here.
Er, they used to film Dancing On Icicles here.
They do The Voice here, I think.
This is where Big Brother is as well.
Just up here.
You might notice it says The George Lucas Stage.
That's exciting.
That's because they did Star Wars here.
As you can see - Big Brother.
They're getting ready for Big Brother.
But that's not on ITV so I'll stop talking about it now.
I'll never say it again.
Sorry for talking aboutBig Brother.
(DRIVER LAUGHS) Um Stop laughing! You're at work! OK.
I don't know if it's time for another clip um, but I'll link to a clip now just in case it is.
OK, here's another clip.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome to the Ding-A-Ling-A-Dong-A-Long-A-Thon arena.
I'm here with James Blunt.
I think we have got news from Tokyo that they are going to take it into the Olympics.
We're going to live now to the meetings where they're discussing it.
Yes, it looks positive.
(LAUGHTER) It looks like they're going for this in the Olympics.
That's exciting.
That's really exciting.
Let me tell you the rules, James.
All you have to do is whack the ball with your rod as many times as you can within 30 seconds.
Let's have a look at the leaderboard.
We can see that Jimmy Carr and Tony Hadley are at the top.
So we really want to break that world record.
How many have they done? 51 in 30 seconds.
So you need to do almost two a second.
(MIMICS GEORDIE ACCENT) Carol Vorderman when there's big swinging dicks involved.
Would you like to chalk up? Yes, definitely.
Chalk up, James.
There he is.
Oh, look at that.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, plenty of chalk.
(WOMAN SHRIEKS) Plenty of chalk there.
He's going to do well.
Ready? Two a second.
Two a second.
I normally like a slow build-up before a crescendo but this is font color="#FFFF (LAUGHTER) Is there anything you'd like to say to the people at home? Yeah, get ready, bitch.
(LAUGHTER) Vicky will be counting.
Whoo.
Ready? When you hear the Olympic beep.
(BEEPING) Go on, son.
Swing your dick about.
(BEEP) Go on, Blunty! He's gonna do it.
Look at the speed.
Keep it up like that.
Hands on the horses, hands on the horses! Yes! Hands on the horses.
Hands on the horses Hands on the horses.
How long have we done? You've done 30! Keep going.
Oh, he's bent the pole.
Swinging your dick about! (LAUGHS) You've got 15! (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's impressive.
Very impressive.
We've got to give James a few points for flair there, font colo Oh, yes.
Let's have a look at you in slow motion.
Flair and style.
Oh, there you go.
# JAMES BLUNT: You're Beautiful (LAUGHTER) OK, the world record was 51.
You had 51 to beat.
Vicky, how many did he get? 55! The new record breaker for the Ding-A-Ling-A-Dong-A-Long-A-Thon! Look at that bent pole.
Let's have a look at the new leaderboard.
There he is, James Blunt, at the top with 55.
James Blunt, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Um, I've come into t'studio to see what's going on.
I'm not supposed to be in t'studio yet.
Nobody's here.
Umthe team are doing whatever they're doing.
He's busy at work there.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, I am busy! Leave me alone.
Busy tweeting his friends.
Just um Oh, you're early, sir.
Yeah, cos I'm doing comp links.
Ah.
Do you want to do a link? Go on then.
Let's get the paper out and see what it is I've got to link to.
Do you want to link to that one there? Um, right, now we're linking to Arse Sandwich.
That's when Gino made an arse sandwich.
I loved that bit.
Yeah, you loved it the most.
Have you ever made an arse sandwich? No, but I look forward to it after the show.
Here's some tips on how to make an a Stevie, baby, what's the next experiment we're gonna do? COMPUTERISED VOICE: (LAUGHTER) And who would you like to take part in this experiment? Jimmy.
COMPUTERISED VOICE: Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! It's Gino D'Acampo.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm not happy about this.
I'm over the moon.
(PHONE He's phoning again.
What could it be, Gino? Stephen? COMPUTERISED VOICE: Jimmy Carr should be his sous ch Jimmy Carr's your sous chef.
Jimmy Carr, right.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on in.
So, do I need to do a sandwich in your bum?/font No.
Fearne, jump up on the table.
It's not my arse.
I think it's just a generic man.
It's a generic man arse.
And where do you put a generic man's arse? Of course, in the ghost container here, don't you? Let's meet the arse that you'll be making a sandwich upon.
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Is that thing real? Let's meet the arse and see what it's about.
(LAUGHTER) Sowhat's your name and where do you come from? (FARTS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (FARTS) So, if - So, Jimmy No! (LAUGHTER) I don'tI don't I don't feel I feel like you've hit a new low.
(LAUGHTER) Which I didn't think was possible.
One, two, three OK.
.
.
do it.
Make sure it's not too buttery.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! He's putting it up the bum crack.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) That's it.
(LAUGHTER) ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! I think it's gone in a bit.
We put the ham first and then we roll the mayonnaise into the ham.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Ohh! The mayonnaise.
I can't bear it.
It goes in there.
Get some egg in there.
(LAUGHTER) Ugh! I can't bear I can't.
(LAUGHTER) And then a bit of lettuce.
Lettuce.
Then a bit of lettuce.
It's OK.
Lettuce.
Here we go.
Get it in there.
Lettuce and tomato.
AUDIENCE : Ohh! Here you go, Gino.
Fucker.
This is a super healthy suppository.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) It's a sandwich like-a my mama used to make.
(LAUGHTER) There's the sandwich.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) AUDIENCE: Ugh! It's OK, we still got most of it in there.
Remember, anyone who's watching this at home, this is for science.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Is it an ology? Yeah, that looks nice.
Gino's Arse-Crack Escapes.
It's nice.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done.
I think we've done very well.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Is Stephen happy with the sandwich? COMPUTERISED VOICE: Yes, I'm delighted.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One for your team! All this for one point.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break No-one takes a chip from the Scofe.
(LAUGHTER) Hi, welcome back to the comp show - that's the compilation show.
Don't walk away.
He's walking away.
Oh, no, he's filming.
He's filming.
There's not many people round here at the moment.
Not much hustle.
I'll walk cos it might look more interesting.
Cos umthere's nothing happening right now.
I'm just waiting for all the dudes to turn up and then we'll commence.
But until thenhave a look at this.
Tony.
Oh, no.
There's something I've always wanted to ask you.
Go on.
# Why do I find it hard to write the next line? # Why did you find it hard to write the next line? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Cos I didn't write the one before.
I don't know if you wrote True but in True you sang this # This is the sound of my soul # What I've always wanted to ask you is, what is the sound of your soul? (LAUGHTER) Tell you what, I've got a mic here.
I know where the soul area is.
Let's just Let's hear the sound of Tony's soul.
(MAJESTIC PERCUSSION CRESCENDO) Wow.
Wow! That was Beautiful.
Fearne, let's have a listen to your soul.
Who is it gonna be? Let's have a listen.
MALE VOICE: Help me! Help me! Get me out of this body! (APPLAUSE) Yeah.
I expect nothing less.
(MIMICS VOICE) She keeps feeding me berries and twigs.
I need I'd die for sugar.
Yeah.
Fearne Cotton's in there.
She's not make-up ready.
Are you allowed on camera not make-up ready? Yeah.
It's all right.
I've been in - Do you know what I've done? I've had a leakage of olive oil in my handbag.
That is horrific.
That's like a prop that we've set up on purpose - but it's real.
I'm doing comp links.
For what? I've been filming my day.
Oh, that's cool.
Do you wanna do one? Yeah.
What do I have to do? What about Remember when Johnny Vegas was on the Easter egg hunt and he broke the photocopier? Yeah.
Everyone was really angry about that.
Do you wanna link to it? Here's that moment.
Ooosh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Johnny Vegas, you know how this works.
We give you a basket, you have an allotted time to find as many golden eggs which I've hidden about the studio.
We have a map here which I'll give to Fearne's team and they will guide you.
You're gonna go on the sound of the Easter goat.
(GOAT BLEATS) He's gone! Right.
That way.
That way, that way, font color="#00 Look around the green area.
There he goes.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Under the stairs.
Under the stairs.
Inside.
Oh, you've gotta be joking.
(LAUGHTER) What are you worried about? There's a box that says 'open m No, not the fax machine! Oh, no! (SHOCKED LAUGHTER) It's in a box.
Johnny! What? Johnny.
There's a box.
Which box? It's full of boxes.
The box! The massive bloody box.
Behind you.
The box.
Oh! Shit! I didn't touch that.
Oh, don't.
This is a (LAUGHTER) I used to work in Argos! (LAUGHTER) It's like pass the parcel.
It's fun.
Come on.
It's not fun.
(LAUGHTER) It is, Johnny.
It's Easter fun.
And you look really cute.
It's Easter fun(!) .
.
your E You don't even believe in Christ.
Is it there? The wankers.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no.
Go to Holly's dressing room.
There's one in the There we go.
There's an egg.
Get it.
Run.
(LAUGHTER) Yes.
Yes.
I've cut my gum.
Go to Holly's dressing room.
How strong is that Oh, it's a shithole again.
She leaves it in a mess.
(LAUGHTER) What's the map saying? Try the sofa.
Oh, the sofa.
The bench with arms.
(LAUGHTER) Where you get pissed and pass out.
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) You naughty elf! (LAUGHTER) No! Naughty elf.
You've had it now! Don't hurt him, Johnny.
Johnny, don't hurt him.
(LAUGHTER) Go back to Johnny, come back to the studio.
Don't hurt him.
Oh, my God.
Come back t'studio, Johnny.
Come back to us, Johnny.
Do you know where I'm gonna put this? (LAUGHTER) Should I go and rescue him? Should I get him? Go and get him.
You dirty bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Ow! Johnny, quick, come back.
There's Fearne to the rescue.
(LAUGHTER) (SHOUTS OUT) I can't come back.
Look, he's fucked.
(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) Oh, see.
She's like a boy for real.
I joke she's a boy but that's like a boy's bag I'm so annoyed.
.
.
when he's got caught short and gone, 'I'll use my bag.
' An old tissue, some money.
'I've not pumped this for ages.
' There's a mini crown in my handbag.
(LAUGHS) WOMAN: Look at you.
(LAUGHS) Let's have some more bits from Where's that even from? .
.
from series 17.
She doesn't even know where the crown's from.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, will I like it? Yeah, you will like it.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Do I hold on? Yeah, hold on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? I'm ready.
(LAUGHTER) Bobby, three places you shouldn't fart.
Church, aeroplane, school.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, that's it.
You've got it now.
(LAUGHTER) Three things that are hard.
Hard.
Boiled eggs, knobs and Sudoku.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna fall off! Scarlett (LAUGHTER) .
.
three things you might find in a cage.
A hamster, a rat, a person.
A person! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) Three places It's stopped.
(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) No, it's starting.
(LAUGHTER) Three places you can't take your clothes off.
Umin public, the zoo, a nursery.
(LAUGHTER) You know I have a tradition.
What's that? Whenever a Pussycat Doll comes on Celebrity Juice they give me a hand job.
Oh, yeah? (LAUGHTER) Does that have to do with the bandage? (LAUGHTER) Say that again? Oh, I thought you wanted to finger me.
(LAUGHTER) Nice.
Yes.
Nice.
That shutted you (APPLAUSE) They're all the fucking same, that lot.
That shutted you up.
He's like, 'Ooh, gone all shy.
'/font He's shy now, look.
You actually went shy.
(LAUGHTER) I'm not shy.
Yeah, I wanna finger you.
I wanna fingerblast you to bits! (LAUGHTER) Do you wish my girlfriend was raw like you? I'll make you fucking raw.
Is it true that you described him as a steam train in the bedroom? Well, actually, that's not entirely true.
It was fake news, Keith.
That's fake news.
Fake news.
We were font color="#F and Jane Moore said, 'You know you can tell a lot by a man, how he'll be in bed, by the way he dances.
' I said, 'That's interesting cos my husband's a steam train.
' I meant dancing (LAUGHTER) .
.
cos he does that.
And so suddenly that was all So he's rubbish in bed.
I've got no complaints, Keith.
Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) The three most expensive things you own.
My wife (LAUGHTER) .
.
a house in Ibiza, and a house in ererSwitzerland.
In Switzerland? Apologies.
Yeah.
Apologies! Not for tax purposes.
It's for skiing.
(LAUGHTER) Three ways of using a 'bag for life'.
I don't know what a 'bag for life' is.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, fuck! I know what a 'bag for life' is.
I'm so sorry.
It's one of those things.
I totally know what it is.
It's one of those things from the supermarche.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Battle Chips sponsored by This Morning.
Let's meet our team contestants tonight.
Playing it's none other than Phillip Schofield! Shhhh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He will be battling against Ore Oduvet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Enter the circle of truth.
Place your hands behind your backs.
You will protect the chips up your nose whilst trying to knock out the chips from your opponent's nose.
The winner will be the person that knocks both chips out first.
OK.
You're not only playing for points for your team, you're playing to win the accolade of presenter of This Morning.
(LAUGHS) (SNORTS) Yes? Yes.
OK, are you ready? Ready.
You'll go on the klaxon.
Let's play Battle Chips! (KLAXON) (SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT) Oh, it's a gentleman's game.
'Nice to meet you, Ore.
' Oh, look.
It's a Victorian game.
(LAUGHTER) They're like two swans.
Look at them.
Like two swans.
(LAUGHTER) They've arranged a gentleman's game tonight.
(LAUGHTER) Ahh! Attack.
Use your ears if you need to.
Arhh! Stay in the ring.
Stay in the ring.
We have stuck our chips right up there.
They're so far.
They are so deep.
So font color="#F Seriously.
Attack, attack.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) The nice thing is the chip will already have salt and vinegar on it.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! No-one takes a chip from the Scofe.
(LAUGHTER) (ECHOES) No-one takes a chip from the Scofe.
Oh! (APPLAUSE) # FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 'Coming up after t'break' Jonathan's having a problem there.
(LAUGHTER) Welcome back.
As you can see umI've got a bit of a suntan really.
I'm just doing some links.
Filming the whole thing on my phone.
It's a breakthrough.
Save money for t'next series.
Anyway, here's some more bits.
Enjoy.
I'll just turn it off.
(APPLAUSE) # DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: Come On Eileen (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) Come to me.
Come to me.
Umrunning.
Midnight.
When it gets to midnight I'm telling you to clock in.
Midnight disco.
Midnight.
Running at midnight.
Running.
Run to me.
It's (LAUGHTER) (SONG CONTINUES) Are you being Liam Gallagher? Is he like Liam Gallagher? Come.
Come.
Come to me.
It's late.
Come to me.
Come over me.
Come on me.
Come in my eye.
I see you.
I.
I.
I lean on you.
I run to you.
I.
I.
I lean.
(CHEERING) I lean.
Come On Eileen! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look, Holly's arrived.
Hi.
This is the before and after.
I've just got off a motorbike.
That's helmet head.
She's got helmet head.
Don't look into her eyes.
Don't look.
'Ey.
Um, this is before Are you filming the show on your own camera now? It's not a camera, it's a phone.
(LAUGHS) My phone has a camera on it.
Has yours? Yeah.
(WOMAN LAUGHS) Yeah.
We're both doing all right for ourselves.
Would you like to do a link to some of the best bits from Oh! .
.
series 17? I would love to do that.
Here are some of the best bits from series 17.
17! Can you believe it? Can't believe it.
# ABBA: Waterloo Have an amazing time.
Toilet.
Yeah, yeah.
Toilet.
I hate toilets.
I love drinking water.
Drinking wee.
I like drinking wee.
I drink piss.
(LAUGHTER) Pooey water.
No! (LAUGHTER) Um Sounds like poo.
Yeah, yeah.
It sounds like shit.
(LAUGHTER) (MIMICS FARTING) I just done a shit.
(LAUGHS) Fucking hell.
This is well hard, mate.
Drinking poo.
Water.
Loo.
Yes! (CHEERING) Waterloo.
Waterloo! Abba.
Ricky Wilson from Kaiser Chiefs! Yes! # Lady in red # Did you know Chris De Burgh wrote that about a pillar-box when shitfaced? Is that true? It's true.
You've been on t'tour.
But you've been so kind to come here and be on Celebrity Juice.
What are you looking forward to? I'm looking forward to the games.
Link to the next clip.
Hey, this is the next clip.
Emma Bunton I've got stuff in my fridge.
.
.
you've toured the world with the S are you living t'dream? Yeah, living the dream.
Jonathan, I had a dream that once I would be in the middle of the road with Jonathan Ross whilst you're dragging a table into a studio.
Well, that dream's come true.
Did you used to be a removal man? I used to move furniture on a regular font colo Is it true you're nearly 60? It wasn't a removal man so much as a burglar.
Is it true you're nearly 60? I am four years old.
You look like you could be in One Direction, you fit bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Scarlett, you've just moved to London, yeah? Yeah.
Did you move your own stuff down or did you get a removal company? No, I just (MIMICS ACCENT) No, I got a removal company.
They remove all the furniture for a queen.
No, I had nowt in me house.
I don't know what you just said, pet.
Gino, what are you bringing into the studio tonight? Why you shout? We're live and you got a microphone.
There is no need to shout.
Everybody can hear you at home.
(LAUGHTER) We are not in a concert.
Just get on with it.
(LOW VOICE) Gino, what are you moving into the studio tonight? I am moving a sofa.
That's it.
A sofa.
(LAUGHTER) Fantastic.
Holly, you're wearing a leather dress with a lovely split up the side.
How do you think you're gonna cope? I'm gonna be really cold.
Can we just go? (LAUGHTER) I've got strength, I'm gonna go for it.
Fearne lives on a diet of twigs and berries.
Will she have the strength to move in some bunkbeds? Come here, come here.
You can only hear me when I put the mic to your voice.
How are you feeling about tonight? I'm - Sorry, we've run out of time.
You wanker! So, here we go.
Remember, you've got to get that furniture into the studio to win a point for your team.
You will go when you hear my horn.
(HORN BLASTS) There you go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There you go.
Oh, look at Holly from behind.
Doesn't she look great? Gino means business.
Look at Bunton pulling it there.
She's done this before.
There's Carlio.
There's Carlio from the Christmas Special.
You're not supposed to be here.
Jonathan's having a problem back there.
Jonathan's having problems.
We've got Bunton at the front.
She's run out of breath.
(CHEERING) She means business.
Very competitive.
Bunton is very competitive.
There she goes.
Come on, keep going.
You've got to get it into the studio.
Pull.
Come on, Bunton.
There you go, there you go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly closely behind.
In here.
Here, here, here.
Ooh! Oh, you're on the same team.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm tired and I didn't even bring any furniture in.
(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Oh, yes! Who's left? I'm going back to Jonathan.
Jonathan's having a fight with Carlio.
Arh! Argh! (LAUGHTER) Calm down.
Calm down.
I've got him.
I've got him.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Now, behave yourself.
Behave yourself.
Behave yourself.
Jonathan, just get a chair, just get a chair.
Just get a chair.
Just get a chair.
The chair'll do.
Come on.
How do you feel? Shattered, man.
(LAUGHTER) I'll take the drawer! I'll take the drawer! Get the drawer, get the drawer, get the drawer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Get in, get in.
We're in, we're in! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, I'm gonna give you this phone and then you're gonna do a link, yeah? I'll do it with the glasses on.
Do it with your glasses on.
OK, so one sec.
It's on.
OK.
Gino picks up the phone and say, 'Ah, now I got your attention on the font c I've just given you t'phone.
OK, so I can do that.
Do the link now.
Now that I picked up erKeith Lemon's phone I want to make a font color="#FFF Number one: I'm not grumpy as he said that I am.
I'm always smiling.
Look.
Smiling.
Second of all, I can make more than just dough balls.
I can make lasagne, I can make tiramisu, I can make pollo cacciatore.
I can make pretty much whatever you ask me to do, as far as we're talking about Italian food.
Plus I always come up with the best games and the best games of the series of course has to be Gino's Fingering font color Then I say, 'Link to the fingering game'? Yeah.
Link to the fingering game.
Cool.
You didn't get me in t'background, did you? No.
And you didn't film me picking the phone up? No, it's all me.
All me.
All right, they probably will have just cut to the clip now.
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hello, I'm Gino D'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastering Fingering Game.
This Gino, Gino, Gino.
You're in the wrong spot, you idiot.
What you mean? You're looking at t'wrong camera.
There's your camera.
See that red light? Yeah.
That's your camera.
(LAUGHTER) But we can cut it out, can we? Yeah, we can cut it out.
Remember to cut that out.
(MOUTHS) Big round of applause because we just starting.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for coming, everybody.
Hello, I'm Gino D'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastering Fingering Game.
Please bring on my fingering chair.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
The chair goes here.
A round of applause.
Watch and learn how it's done.
That was good.
That was good so far? Yeah.
So, the first person to play my game is Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) AUDIENCE: Ohh! I've got a bad feeling.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Just wait.
Wait, wait.
(LAUGHTER) Wait.
And action.
Oh, fuck off.
(LAUGHTER) What is that? What is fucking that? Gino.
Arh! (LAUGHTER) What is it? Get off! So, did you guess? Ohh! Did you guess Ohh! .
.
or do you font color="#FFFF0 What? (LAUGHTER) Option number two? What's that? Yes, we also have option num (LAUGHTER) Fucking hell.
Did you guess yet? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! What is going on? That is past the line.
Can I take this off? That is past the line, my brother.
No! (LAUGHTER) No! (APPLAUSE) Why did you spoil it? That's Patrick McGuinness, yeah? Yeah.
Not only a friend of mine but a big showbiz name, a guest of the show, and you're about to get him to stick his finger in a Japanese businessman's arsehole.
(LAUGHTER) It's my game.
I can do what I want.
He's gone.
But you said it was my game.
It is your game.
You finish off the show then.
AUDIENCE: Aww! I don't care.
It's your show, your rules.
You do whatever you want.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Um, well, it looks like we've lost Patrick and Gino.
(LAUGHTER) Eiji, do you wanna do the scores? (LAUGHTER) (Sha-ting!) Shatty.
No, there.
Sha-ting! Sha-ting! Join us after t'break.
See you in three.
'Coming up after t'break' (LAUGHS) (SHOCKED LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) (SINGSONG VOICE) I'm excited! Here we are literally about to go on to do Juice.
Yo yo yo! What's up? What's up? Juice is happening.
Yeah, it is, it's happening.
Hello.
Here's Gino.
Normally we'll do a good-luck picture.
Should we do a good-luck picture? Are we all in? Are we all in? Whilst we're doing this, let's have a look at some more best bits.
When I was a kid your age when it were school holidays I wanked so hard into a bin liner me cock were like a spike.
(LAUGHTER) It looked like a pig's dick.
When I was your age I had a sock called the dreamcatcher.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh! No No offence, boys, but it looks like Jenny Powell couldn't get a sitter.
She could maybe be our sister.
That's about it.
Aw! See? Your sister that you want to fuck, yeah? (LAUGHTER) Jenny, I used to masturbate to you, when you were on No Limits, so hard I could power wash my patio.
(LAUGHTER) The projectile.
I'm not joking.
We're on! (CHEERING) Not online.
This is for the comp show.
I'm doing the links for the comp show.
Andy Collins! Hurrah! (CHEERING) Hurrah! (CHEERING) There they are, there they are.
Sit down, sit down.
So I've been filming all day since I got out of bed.
I don't know what little bit I'm linking to now.
I'll just link to some bits.
So I just want you to all say 'Here's some bits' when I say now.
Now.
ALL: Here's some bits! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! BOTH: Here's some bits! You were fucking shit but they did it.
Here's some bits.
Let's go live to Gina D'Acampo as he presents those Celebrity Juice tickets to a Celebrity Juice fan.
Gino, can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you and I've found the house.
It's just here.
Gino.
Gino.
Follow me.
Go in and give 'em the tickets.
Bring the joy.
Live up to the reputation that Gino Sheffield D'Acampo is the nicest man on telly.
Knock on the door.
Superfan of the show.
Yeah.
So this should be Hello.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Give her the tickets.
OK.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Give her the tickets.
I don't know what she's saying.
Give her the tickets.
Give her the tickets, Gino.
(LAUGHS) (SHOCKED LAUGHTER IN STUDIO) This is on film.
(LAUGHS) AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! One second.
I'm going to do a selfie for my mother.
Give them the tickets.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Gino, give them the tickets.
We're running out of time.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Excuse me.
Gino.
You won the tickets for Celebrity Juice Live.
Give them the tickets and get out before you end up on the Daily Mail! Gino, give them the tickets and get out.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Get out! Give them the tickets and get out.
This is weird.
There are people fucking here.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) There are people fucking.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Hello.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Gino, come on! Come back.
Gino, come back.
Get out of here.
Go on! Come back! Holy shitballs.
Well, um, hopefully he'll come back without blood pouring out of his buttocks.
Well, that's it.
That was the best bits of series 17.
We're probably gonna finish with a montage.
Whilst you're watching the montage I'm gonna give Nicole a little kiss and cuddle and all the romantic things.
And, um, enjoy this montage from series 17.
If I don't see you through t'week I'll see you at the end of the montage when I say good night.
All t'best.
Hurrah! Oh, shit, I nearly fainted then.
# AZTEC CAMERA: Somewhere In My Heart Aw! (FARTS) Fuck you.
Fuck.
I'm loving it! Come on! Like jiz on a biscuit.
Have you actually gone fucking mad? My mum is not watching this show.
A-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! My wife has a very sensitive gag reflex.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (INDISTINCT) (SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER) I can confirm she has got a massive bush.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
Do you do anal sex? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) When you've gone ginge.
Oh, yes, I'll keep this for later.
Don't bring me into it.
Lick-y! What's the weirdest place you've done a tattoo on? A bumhole.
The actual fucking whistler? Piss in the street.
You six-foot bitch prick.
(LAUGHTER) # LITTLE MIX: Touch Here's Ore again.
Here's Ore.
Oh! (SHRIEKS) (APPLAUSE) Me and a guy in there have just really hurt each other with dildos.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) (SHOUTS OUT) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good night.
As you can see, it's me, Keith Lemon, and I'm doing the links for the compilation show for the best bits of series 17.
I'm filming it all by myself on my telephone.
I will arise from my pit, get in the shower, clean my pink bits and get on with my day.
So, come along and enjoy yourself.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' It's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock spaceship.
There's Gina D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio just in time for the bestselling show on telly.
What's that show? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were though.
You're joining me as you um Cut.
I'll do that again.
Yeah, so I'm gonna film all day and do links for the programme.
I think you can see a little cheeky reflection of my cheeks behind over there.
Never mind.
OK, before I get dressed let's have a quick recap at some of the best bits of Celebrity Juice starting with this little piece now.
Ore Obiscuit.
You have got a really embarrassing secret.
Oh, gosh.
What have you got? You're scared of birds, aren't you? Yeah.
Why are you scared of the flange then? (LAUGHTER) Different kind of birds.
That's why we've put you on a team of all guys.
(LAUGHTER) But don't worry, there's no seagulls in here.
We've checked the studio and there's no birds.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Is it real? It's not real.
Is it real? It's just a toy one.
Please, I've got to see that again.
Let's look at an action replay of that.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (AS PADDY MCGUINNESS) Eat Me Out, You Bastard.
It's called Eat Me Out, You Bastard.
(AS PADDY MCGUINNESS) Hello and welcome to Eat Me Oot.
This is the game where people get to lick out creamy goodness from a chocolate egg.
Well, I'll tell That's how you do it, don't you? (LAUGHTER) (AS PADDY MCGUINNESS) Now then, florry, what's gonna happen here, raight, is you're gonna pop a chocolate egg in your mooth - that's right, in your mooth, by 'eck'll dill doody - whilst your teammate tries to lick oot the cream.
Oh, God.
No.
The team with the cleanest eggs that have been licked raight oot (LAUGHTER) .
.
will win a point for the team.
Let the point meet the team.
That's what they say it's all about.
(LAUGHTER) You'll go on the klaxon.
Oh, you've gone right in.
(LAUGHTER) It's in, it's in, it's in.
Got the egg in.
He's gone too deep.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, but Paddy (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I don't like I don't like it.
Just suck and see.
Just suck and see.
(LAUGHTER) Ugh! (LAUGHTER) Ugh! (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Let's have an action replay.
Take a look at this.
# Je T'aimeMoi Non Plus (LAUGHTER) For technique and commitment I'm gonna give the point to Paddy's team! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Still getting ready.
Still getting ready.
OK, what shoes, what shoes, what shoes, what shoe? UhuhI'll just Need a hat.
I'll use that one today.
Now, you might find this a little bit weird but to give me that extra kick when I'm filming Celebrity Juice, when I have my cereal I like to put a bit of booze in it.
Oh, that's nice.
I mean, what you've got there is not cereal but cere-ale.
It gives me that extra kick that I need when I'm doing Celebrity Juice to get into that party mood.
Mm! Nice.
The last time you came on, Pamela, Gino was trying to impress you.
We were on a date.
It was tragic.
That's right, yeah.
I showed a strong bond over our shared love for animals.
Can you remember when I rescued a cat? That was fake.
No, there was It wasn't a real cat.
(LAUGHTER) There was a cat being hassled by some naughty men and I saved it.
If there was ever an animal in distress, no regard for my safety, I would try and do the best for the animal.
I know, it's (SQUEAKING) What's that? (SQUEAKING) An animal in distress.
Let's cut to outside! FEARNE: Ohh! What's possibly gonna happen?! I'm gonna go save it! # BONNIE TYLER: I Need A Hero (TYRES SCREECH AND HEAVY THUD) No-o-o-o! Bastard! (MOURNFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC) (LAUGHTER) Ohh.
Oh, poorpoor baby.
Don't worry.
I'll try and bring you back.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bless you and everyone.
So, um, I've had I've cleaned all my pink bits.
As you can see I'm wearing a lovely floral jacket.
I'm make-up free.
I'm one of those celebrities that don't care.
Keep it real.
They'll probably put some clart on my face when I get there, just to make me look even more handsome.
I'm in the car with Stavros is here.
We're just arriving.
I don't know if you can see cos of t'rain.
Elstree Studios.
Living the dream.
Now, they film a lot of programmes here.
Er, they used to film Dancing On Icicles here.
They do The Voice here, I think.
This is where Big Brother is as well.
Just up here.
You might notice it says The George Lucas Stage.
That's exciting.
That's because they did Star Wars here.
As you can see - Big Brother.
They're getting ready for Big Brother.
But that's not on ITV so I'll stop talking about it now.
I'll never say it again.
Sorry for talking aboutBig Brother.
(DRIVER LAUGHS) Um Stop laughing! You're at work! OK.
I don't know if it's time for another clip um, but I'll link to a clip now just in case it is.
OK, here's another clip.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome to the Ding-A-Ling-A-Dong-A-Long-A-Thon arena.
I'm here with James Blunt.
I think we have got news from Tokyo that they are going to take it into the Olympics.
We're going to live now to the meetings where they're discussing it.
Yes, it looks positive.
(LAUGHTER) It looks like they're going for this in the Olympics.
That's exciting.
That's really exciting.
Let me tell you the rules, James.
All you have to do is whack the ball with your rod as many times as you can within 30 seconds.
Let's have a look at the leaderboard.
We can see that Jimmy Carr and Tony Hadley are at the top.
So we really want to break that world record.
How many have they done? 51 in 30 seconds.
So you need to do almost two a second.
(MIMICS GEORDIE ACCENT) Carol Vorderman when there's big swinging dicks involved.
Would you like to chalk up? Yes, definitely.
Chalk up, James.
There he is.
Oh, look at that.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, plenty of chalk.
(WOMAN SHRIEKS) Plenty of chalk there.
He's going to do well.
Ready? Two a second.
Two a second.
I normally like a slow build-up before a crescendo but this is font color="#FFFF (LAUGHTER) Is there anything you'd like to say to the people at home? Yeah, get ready, bitch.
(LAUGHTER) Vicky will be counting.
Whoo.
Ready? When you hear the Olympic beep.
(BEEPING) Go on, son.
Swing your dick about.
(BEEP) Go on, Blunty! He's gonna do it.
Look at the speed.
Keep it up like that.
Hands on the horses, hands on the horses! Yes! Hands on the horses.
Hands on the horses Hands on the horses.
How long have we done? You've done 30! Keep going.
Oh, he's bent the pole.
Swinging your dick about! (LAUGHS) You've got 15! (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's impressive.
Very impressive.
We've got to give James a few points for flair there, font colo Oh, yes.
Let's have a look at you in slow motion.
Flair and style.
Oh, there you go.
# JAMES BLUNT: You're Beautiful (LAUGHTER) OK, the world record was 51.
You had 51 to beat.
Vicky, how many did he get? 55! The new record breaker for the Ding-A-Ling-A-Dong-A-Long-A-Thon! Look at that bent pole.
Let's have a look at the new leaderboard.
There he is, James Blunt, at the top with 55.
James Blunt, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Um, I've come into t'studio to see what's going on.
I'm not supposed to be in t'studio yet.
Nobody's here.
Umthe team are doing whatever they're doing.
He's busy at work there.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, I am busy! Leave me alone.
Busy tweeting his friends.
Just um Oh, you're early, sir.
Yeah, cos I'm doing comp links.
Ah.
Do you want to do a link? Go on then.
Let's get the paper out and see what it is I've got to link to.
Do you want to link to that one there? Um, right, now we're linking to Arse Sandwich.
That's when Gino made an arse sandwich.
I loved that bit.
Yeah, you loved it the most.
Have you ever made an arse sandwich? No, but I look forward to it after the show.
Here's some tips on how to make an a Stevie, baby, what's the next experiment we're gonna do? COMPUTERISED VOICE: (LAUGHTER) And who would you like to take part in this experiment? Jimmy.
COMPUTERISED VOICE: Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! It's Gino D'Acampo.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm not happy about this.
I'm over the moon.
(PHONE He's phoning again.
What could it be, Gino? Stephen? COMPUTERISED VOICE: Jimmy Carr should be his sous ch Jimmy Carr's your sous chef.
Jimmy Carr, right.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on in.
So, do I need to do a sandwich in your bum?/font No.
Fearne, jump up on the table.
It's not my arse.
I think it's just a generic man.
It's a generic man arse.
And where do you put a generic man's arse? Of course, in the ghost container here, don't you? Let's meet the arse that you'll be making a sandwich upon.
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Is that thing real? Let's meet the arse and see what it's about.
(LAUGHTER) Sowhat's your name and where do you come from? (FARTS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (FARTS) So, if - So, Jimmy No! (LAUGHTER) I don'tI don't I don't feel I feel like you've hit a new low.
(LAUGHTER) Which I didn't think was possible.
One, two, three OK.
.
.
do it.
Make sure it's not too buttery.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! He's putting it up the bum crack.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) That's it.
(LAUGHTER) ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! I think it's gone in a bit.
We put the ham first and then we roll the mayonnaise into the ham.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Ohh! The mayonnaise.
I can't bear it.
It goes in there.
Get some egg in there.
(LAUGHTER) Ugh! I can't bear I can't.
(LAUGHTER) And then a bit of lettuce.
Lettuce.
Then a bit of lettuce.
It's OK.
Lettuce.
Here we go.
Get it in there.
Lettuce and tomato.
AUDIENCE : Ohh! Here you go, Gino.
Fucker.
This is a super healthy suppository.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) It's a sandwich like-a my mama used to make.
(LAUGHTER) There's the sandwich.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) AUDIENCE: Ugh! It's OK, we still got most of it in there.
Remember, anyone who's watching this at home, this is for science.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Is it an ology? Yeah, that looks nice.
Gino's Arse-Crack Escapes.
It's nice.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done.
I think we've done very well.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Is Stephen happy with the sandwich? COMPUTERISED VOICE: Yes, I'm delighted.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One for your team! All this for one point.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break No-one takes a chip from the Scofe.
(LAUGHTER) Hi, welcome back to the comp show - that's the compilation show.
Don't walk away.
He's walking away.
Oh, no, he's filming.
He's filming.
There's not many people round here at the moment.
Not much hustle.
I'll walk cos it might look more interesting.
Cos umthere's nothing happening right now.
I'm just waiting for all the dudes to turn up and then we'll commence.
But until thenhave a look at this.
Tony.
Oh, no.
There's something I've always wanted to ask you.
Go on.
# Why do I find it hard to write the next line? # Why did you find it hard to write the next line? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Cos I didn't write the one before.
I don't know if you wrote True but in True you sang this # This is the sound of my soul # What I've always wanted to ask you is, what is the sound of your soul? (LAUGHTER) Tell you what, I've got a mic here.
I know where the soul area is.
Let's just Let's hear the sound of Tony's soul.
(MAJESTIC PERCUSSION CRESCENDO) Wow.
Wow! That was Beautiful.
Fearne, let's have a listen to your soul.
Who is it gonna be? Let's have a listen.
MALE VOICE: Help me! Help me! Get me out of this body! (APPLAUSE) Yeah.
I expect nothing less.
(MIMICS VOICE) She keeps feeding me berries and twigs.
I need I'd die for sugar.
Yeah.
Fearne Cotton's in there.
She's not make-up ready.
Are you allowed on camera not make-up ready? Yeah.
It's all right.
I've been in - Do you know what I've done? I've had a leakage of olive oil in my handbag.
That is horrific.
That's like a prop that we've set up on purpose - but it's real.
I'm doing comp links.
For what? I've been filming my day.
Oh, that's cool.
Do you wanna do one? Yeah.
What do I have to do? What about Remember when Johnny Vegas was on the Easter egg hunt and he broke the photocopier? Yeah.
Everyone was really angry about that.
Do you wanna link to it? Here's that moment.
Ooosh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Johnny Vegas, you know how this works.
We give you a basket, you have an allotted time to find as many golden eggs which I've hidden about the studio.
We have a map here which I'll give to Fearne's team and they will guide you.
You're gonna go on the sound of the Easter goat.
(GOAT BLEATS) He's gone! Right.
That way.
That way, that way, font color="#00 Look around the green area.
There he goes.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Under the stairs.
Under the stairs.
Inside.
Oh, you've gotta be joking.
(LAUGHTER) What are you worried about? There's a box that says 'open m No, not the fax machine! Oh, no! (SHOCKED LAUGHTER) It's in a box.
Johnny! What? Johnny.
There's a box.
Which box? It's full of boxes.
The box! The massive bloody box.
Behind you.
The box.
Oh! Shit! I didn't touch that.
Oh, don't.
This is a (LAUGHTER) I used to work in Argos! (LAUGHTER) It's like pass the parcel.
It's fun.
Come on.
It's not fun.
(LAUGHTER) It is, Johnny.
It's Easter fun.
And you look really cute.
It's Easter fun(!) .
.
your E You don't even believe in Christ.
Is it there? The wankers.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no.
Go to Holly's dressing room.
There's one in the There we go.
There's an egg.
Get it.
Run.
(LAUGHTER) Yes.
Yes.
I've cut my gum.
Go to Holly's dressing room.
How strong is that Oh, it's a shithole again.
She leaves it in a mess.
(LAUGHTER) What's the map saying? Try the sofa.
Oh, the sofa.
The bench with arms.
(LAUGHTER) Where you get pissed and pass out.
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) You naughty elf! (LAUGHTER) No! Naughty elf.
You've had it now! Don't hurt him, Johnny.
Johnny, don't hurt him.
(LAUGHTER) Go back to Johnny, come back to the studio.
Don't hurt him.
Oh, my God.
Come back t'studio, Johnny.
Come back to us, Johnny.
Do you know where I'm gonna put this? (LAUGHTER) Should I go and rescue him? Should I get him? Go and get him.
You dirty bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Ow! Johnny, quick, come back.
There's Fearne to the rescue.
(LAUGHTER) (SHOUTS OUT) I can't come back.
Look, he's fucked.
(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) Oh, see.
She's like a boy for real.
I joke she's a boy but that's like a boy's bag I'm so annoyed.
.
.
when he's got caught short and gone, 'I'll use my bag.
' An old tissue, some money.
'I've not pumped this for ages.
' There's a mini crown in my handbag.
(LAUGHS) WOMAN: Look at you.
(LAUGHS) Let's have some more bits from Where's that even from? .
.
from series 17.
She doesn't even know where the crown's from.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, will I like it? Yeah, you will like it.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Do I hold on? Yeah, hold on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? I'm ready.
(LAUGHTER) Bobby, three places you shouldn't fart.
Church, aeroplane, school.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, that's it.
You've got it now.
(LAUGHTER) Three things that are hard.
Hard.
Boiled eggs, knobs and Sudoku.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna fall off! Scarlett (LAUGHTER) .
.
three things you might find in a cage.
A hamster, a rat, a person.
A person! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) Three places It's stopped.
(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) No, it's starting.
(LAUGHTER) Three places you can't take your clothes off.
Umin public, the zoo, a nursery.
(LAUGHTER) You know I have a tradition.
What's that? Whenever a Pussycat Doll comes on Celebrity Juice they give me a hand job.
Oh, yeah? (LAUGHTER) Does that have to do with the bandage? (LAUGHTER) Say that again? Oh, I thought you wanted to finger me.
(LAUGHTER) Nice.
Yes.
Nice.
That shutted you (APPLAUSE) They're all the fucking same, that lot.
That shutted you up.
He's like, 'Ooh, gone all shy.
'/font He's shy now, look.
You actually went shy.
(LAUGHTER) I'm not shy.
Yeah, I wanna finger you.
I wanna fingerblast you to bits! (LAUGHTER) Do you wish my girlfriend was raw like you? I'll make you fucking raw.
Is it true that you described him as a steam train in the bedroom? Well, actually, that's not entirely true.
It was fake news, Keith.
That's fake news.
Fake news.
We were font color="#F and Jane Moore said, 'You know you can tell a lot by a man, how he'll be in bed, by the way he dances.
' I said, 'That's interesting cos my husband's a steam train.
' I meant dancing (LAUGHTER) .
.
cos he does that.
And so suddenly that was all So he's rubbish in bed.
I've got no complaints, Keith.
Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) The three most expensive things you own.
My wife (LAUGHTER) .
.
a house in Ibiza, and a house in ererSwitzerland.
In Switzerland? Apologies.
Yeah.
Apologies! Not for tax purposes.
It's for skiing.
(LAUGHTER) Three ways of using a 'bag for life'.
I don't know what a 'bag for life' is.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, fuck! I know what a 'bag for life' is.
I'm so sorry.
It's one of those things.
I totally know what it is.
It's one of those things from the supermarche.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Battle Chips sponsored by This Morning.
Let's meet our team contestants tonight.
Playing it's none other than Phillip Schofield! Shhhh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He will be battling against Ore Oduvet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Enter the circle of truth.
Place your hands behind your backs.
You will protect the chips up your nose whilst trying to knock out the chips from your opponent's nose.
The winner will be the person that knocks both chips out first.
OK.
You're not only playing for points for your team, you're playing to win the accolade of presenter of This Morning.
(LAUGHS) (SNORTS) Yes? Yes.
OK, are you ready? Ready.
You'll go on the klaxon.
Let's play Battle Chips! (KLAXON) (SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT) Oh, it's a gentleman's game.
'Nice to meet you, Ore.
' Oh, look.
It's a Victorian game.
(LAUGHTER) They're like two swans.
Look at them.
Like two swans.
(LAUGHTER) They've arranged a gentleman's game tonight.
(LAUGHTER) Ahh! Attack.
Use your ears if you need to.
Arhh! Stay in the ring.
Stay in the ring.
We have stuck our chips right up there.
They're so far.
They are so deep.
So font color="#F Seriously.
Attack, attack.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) The nice thing is the chip will already have salt and vinegar on it.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! No-one takes a chip from the Scofe.
(LAUGHTER) (ECHOES) No-one takes a chip from the Scofe.
Oh! (APPLAUSE) # FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 'Coming up after t'break' Jonathan's having a problem there.
(LAUGHTER) Welcome back.
As you can see umI've got a bit of a suntan really.
I'm just doing some links.
Filming the whole thing on my phone.
It's a breakthrough.
Save money for t'next series.
Anyway, here's some more bits.
Enjoy.
I'll just turn it off.
(APPLAUSE) # DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: Come On Eileen (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) Come to me.
Come to me.
Umrunning.
Midnight.
When it gets to midnight I'm telling you to clock in.
Midnight disco.
Midnight.
Running at midnight.
Running.
Run to me.
It's (LAUGHTER) (SONG CONTINUES) Are you being Liam Gallagher? Is he like Liam Gallagher? Come.
Come.
Come to me.
It's late.
Come to me.
Come over me.
Come on me.
Come in my eye.
I see you.
I.
I.
I lean on you.
I run to you.
I.
I.
I lean.
(CHEERING) I lean.
Come On Eileen! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look, Holly's arrived.
Hi.
This is the before and after.
I've just got off a motorbike.
That's helmet head.
She's got helmet head.
Don't look into her eyes.
Don't look.
'Ey.
Um, this is before Are you filming the show on your own camera now? It's not a camera, it's a phone.
(LAUGHS) My phone has a camera on it.
Has yours? Yeah.
(WOMAN LAUGHS) Yeah.
We're both doing all right for ourselves.
Would you like to do a link to some of the best bits from Oh! .
.
series 17? I would love to do that.
Here are some of the best bits from series 17.
17! Can you believe it? Can't believe it.
# ABBA: Waterloo Have an amazing time.
Toilet.
Yeah, yeah.
Toilet.
I hate toilets.
I love drinking water.
Drinking wee.
I like drinking wee.
I drink piss.
(LAUGHTER) Pooey water.
No! (LAUGHTER) Um Sounds like poo.
Yeah, yeah.
It sounds like shit.
(LAUGHTER) (MIMICS FARTING) I just done a shit.
(LAUGHS) Fucking hell.
This is well hard, mate.
Drinking poo.
Water.
Loo.
Yes! (CHEERING) Waterloo.
Waterloo! Abba.
Ricky Wilson from Kaiser Chiefs! Yes! # Lady in red # Did you know Chris De Burgh wrote that about a pillar-box when shitfaced? Is that true? It's true.
You've been on t'tour.
But you've been so kind to come here and be on Celebrity Juice.
What are you looking forward to? I'm looking forward to the games.
Link to the next clip.
Hey, this is the next clip.
Emma Bunton I've got stuff in my fridge.
.
.
you've toured the world with the S are you living t'dream? Yeah, living the dream.
Jonathan, I had a dream that once I would be in the middle of the road with Jonathan Ross whilst you're dragging a table into a studio.
Well, that dream's come true.
Did you used to be a removal man? I used to move furniture on a regular font colo Is it true you're nearly 60? It wasn't a removal man so much as a burglar.
Is it true you're nearly 60? I am four years old.
You look like you could be in One Direction, you fit bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Scarlett, you've just moved to London, yeah? Yeah.
Did you move your own stuff down or did you get a removal company? No, I just (MIMICS ACCENT) No, I got a removal company.
They remove all the furniture for a queen.
No, I had nowt in me house.
I don't know what you just said, pet.
Gino, what are you bringing into the studio tonight? Why you shout? We're live and you got a microphone.
There is no need to shout.
Everybody can hear you at home.
(LAUGHTER) We are not in a concert.
Just get on with it.
(LOW VOICE) Gino, what are you moving into the studio tonight? I am moving a sofa.
That's it.
A sofa.
(LAUGHTER) Fantastic.
Holly, you're wearing a leather dress with a lovely split up the side.
How do you think you're gonna cope? I'm gonna be really cold.
Can we just go? (LAUGHTER) I've got strength, I'm gonna go for it.
Fearne lives on a diet of twigs and berries.
Will she have the strength to move in some bunkbeds? Come here, come here.
You can only hear me when I put the mic to your voice.
How are you feeling about tonight? I'm - Sorry, we've run out of time.
You wanker! So, here we go.
Remember, you've got to get that furniture into the studio to win a point for your team.
You will go when you hear my horn.
(HORN BLASTS) There you go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There you go.
Oh, look at Holly from behind.
Doesn't she look great? Gino means business.
Look at Bunton pulling it there.
She's done this before.
There's Carlio.
There's Carlio from the Christmas Special.
You're not supposed to be here.
Jonathan's having a problem back there.
Jonathan's having problems.
We've got Bunton at the front.
She's run out of breath.
(CHEERING) She means business.
Very competitive.
Bunton is very competitive.
There she goes.
Come on, keep going.
You've got to get it into the studio.
Pull.
Come on, Bunton.
There you go, there you go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly closely behind.
In here.
Here, here, here.
Ooh! Oh, you're on the same team.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm tired and I didn't even bring any furniture in.
(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Oh, yes! Who's left? I'm going back to Jonathan.
Jonathan's having a fight with Carlio.
Arh! Argh! (LAUGHTER) Calm down.
Calm down.
I've got him.
I've got him.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Now, behave yourself.
Behave yourself.
Behave yourself.
Jonathan, just get a chair, just get a chair.
Just get a chair.
Just get a chair.
The chair'll do.
Come on.
How do you feel? Shattered, man.
(LAUGHTER) I'll take the drawer! I'll take the drawer! Get the drawer, get the drawer, get the drawer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Get in, get in.
We're in, we're in! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, I'm gonna give you this phone and then you're gonna do a link, yeah? I'll do it with the glasses on.
Do it with your glasses on.
OK, so one sec.
It's on.
OK.
Gino picks up the phone and say, 'Ah, now I got your attention on the font c I've just given you t'phone.
OK, so I can do that.
Do the link now.
Now that I picked up erKeith Lemon's phone I want to make a font color="#FFF Number one: I'm not grumpy as he said that I am.
I'm always smiling.
Look.
Smiling.
Second of all, I can make more than just dough balls.
I can make lasagne, I can make tiramisu, I can make pollo cacciatore.
I can make pretty much whatever you ask me to do, as far as we're talking about Italian food.
Plus I always come up with the best games and the best games of the series of course has to be Gino's Fingering font color Then I say, 'Link to the fingering game'? Yeah.
Link to the fingering game.
Cool.
You didn't get me in t'background, did you? No.
And you didn't film me picking the phone up? No, it's all me.
All me.
All right, they probably will have just cut to the clip now.
OK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hello, I'm Gino D'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastering Fingering Game.
This Gino, Gino, Gino.
You're in the wrong spot, you idiot.
What you mean? You're looking at t'wrong camera.
There's your camera.
See that red light? Yeah.
That's your camera.
(LAUGHTER) But we can cut it out, can we? Yeah, we can cut it out.
Remember to cut that out.
(MOUTHS) Big round of applause because we just starting.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for coming, everybody.
Hello, I'm Gino D'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Eastering Fingering Game.
Please bring on my fingering chair.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
The chair goes here.
A round of applause.
Watch and learn how it's done.
That was good.
That was good so far? Yeah.
So, the first person to play my game is Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) AUDIENCE: Ohh! I've got a bad feeling.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Just wait.
Wait, wait.
(LAUGHTER) Wait.
And action.
Oh, fuck off.
(LAUGHTER) What is that? What is fucking that? Gino.
Arh! (LAUGHTER) What is it? Get off! So, did you guess? Ohh! Did you guess Ohh! .
.
or do you font color="#FFFF0 What? (LAUGHTER) Option number two? What's that? Yes, we also have option num (LAUGHTER) Fucking hell.
Did you guess yet? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! What is going on? That is past the line.
Can I take this off? That is past the line, my brother.
No! (LAUGHTER) No! (APPLAUSE) Why did you spoil it? That's Patrick McGuinness, yeah? Yeah.
Not only a friend of mine but a big showbiz name, a guest of the show, and you're about to get him to stick his finger in a Japanese businessman's arsehole.
(LAUGHTER) It's my game.
I can do what I want.
He's gone.
But you said it was my game.
It is your game.
You finish off the show then.
AUDIENCE: Aww! I don't care.
It's your show, your rules.
You do whatever you want.
ALL CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Um, well, it looks like we've lost Patrick and Gino.
(LAUGHTER) Eiji, do you wanna do the scores? (LAUGHTER) (Sha-ting!) Shatty.
No, there.
Sha-ting! Sha-ting! Join us after t'break.
See you in three.
'Coming up after t'break' (LAUGHS) (SHOCKED LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) (SINGSONG VOICE) I'm excited! Here we are literally about to go on to do Juice.
Yo yo yo! What's up? What's up? Juice is happening.
Yeah, it is, it's happening.
Hello.
Here's Gino.
Normally we'll do a good-luck picture.
Should we do a good-luck picture? Are we all in? Are we all in? Whilst we're doing this, let's have a look at some more best bits.
When I was a kid your age when it were school holidays I wanked so hard into a bin liner me cock were like a spike.
(LAUGHTER) It looked like a pig's dick.
When I was your age I had a sock called the dreamcatcher.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh! No No offence, boys, but it looks like Jenny Powell couldn't get a sitter.
She could maybe be our sister.
That's about it.
Aw! See? Your sister that you want to fuck, yeah? (LAUGHTER) Jenny, I used to masturbate to you, when you were on No Limits, so hard I could power wash my patio.
(LAUGHTER) The projectile.
I'm not joking.
We're on! (CHEERING) Not online.
This is for the comp show.
I'm doing the links for the comp show.
Andy Collins! Hurrah! (CHEERING) Hurrah! (CHEERING) There they are, there they are.
Sit down, sit down.
So I've been filming all day since I got out of bed.
I don't know what little bit I'm linking to now.
I'll just link to some bits.
So I just want you to all say 'Here's some bits' when I say now.
Now.
ALL: Here's some bits! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! BOTH: Here's some bits! You were fucking shit but they did it.
Here's some bits.
Let's go live to Gina D'Acampo as he presents those Celebrity Juice tickets to a Celebrity Juice fan.
Gino, can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you and I've found the house.
It's just here.
Gino.
Gino.
Follow me.
Go in and give 'em the tickets.
Bring the joy.
Live up to the reputation that Gino Sheffield D'Acampo is the nicest man on telly.
Knock on the door.
Superfan of the show.
Yeah.
So this should be Hello.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Give her the tickets.
OK.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Give her the tickets.
I don't know what she's saying.
Give her the tickets.
Give her the tickets, Gino.
(LAUGHS) (SHOCKED LAUGHTER IN STUDIO) This is on film.
(LAUGHS) AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! One second.
I'm going to do a selfie for my mother.
Give them the tickets.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Gino, give them the tickets.
We're running out of time.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Excuse me.
Gino.
You won the tickets for Celebrity Juice Live.
Give them the tickets and get out before you end up on the Daily Mail! Gino, give them the tickets and get out.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Get out! Give them the tickets and get out.
This is weird.
There are people fucking here.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) There are people fucking.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! Hello.
(STUDIO LAUGHTER) Gino, come on! Come back.
Gino, come back.
Get out of here.
Go on! Come back! Holy shitballs.
Well, um, hopefully he'll come back without blood pouring out of his buttocks.
Well, that's it.
That was the best bits of series 17.
We're probably gonna finish with a montage.
Whilst you're watching the montage I'm gonna give Nicole a little kiss and cuddle and all the romantic things.
And, um, enjoy this montage from series 17.
If I don't see you through t'week I'll see you at the end of the montage when I say good night.
All t'best.
Hurrah! Oh, shit, I nearly fainted then.
# AZTEC CAMERA: Somewhere In My Heart Aw! (FARTS) Fuck you.
Fuck.
I'm loving it! Come on! Like jiz on a biscuit.
Have you actually gone fucking mad? My mum is not watching this show.
A-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! My wife has a very sensitive gag reflex.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (INDISTINCT) (SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER) I can confirm she has got a massive bush.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
Do you do anal sex? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) When you've gone ginge.
Oh, yes, I'll keep this for later.
Don't bring me into it.
Lick-y! What's the weirdest place you've done a tattoo on? A bumhole.
The actual fucking whistler? Piss in the street.
You six-foot bitch prick.
(LAUGHTER) # LITTLE MIX: Touch Here's Ore again.
Here's Ore.
Oh! (SHRIEKS) (APPLAUSE) Me and a guy in there have just really hurt each other with dildos.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) (SHOUTS OUT) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good night.