Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e09 Episode Script

Rochelle & Marvin Humes, Jimmy Bullard, Naughty Boy, Brooke Vincent

1 Hi, I am Keith Lemon, and these are my titles.
Plush or what? There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got dem bangers, boy! There is Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly went inside me! There is Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice, on telly, HD ready.
(APPLAUSE) Oh, hey! I've come.
Hello and welcome to Celebrity Juice: Normal Special.
So let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(APPLAUSE) Hey, Fearne, who's on your team? Well, I have Corrie babe Brooke Vincent to my left.
And to my right, the naughtiest man in music, it is Naughty Boy.
Give us some cider, some white wine.
Throw us some red wine in.
It's Holly Willoughboozy! Hi.
I don't sound like that.
Hey, Holly, who is on your team? Well, on my right I have a footballing legend who will be talking a load of Bullards tonight.
It's Jimmy Bullard.
And on my left, the most glamorous couple in telly, Marvin and Rochelle.
(APPLAUSE) Thanks for having us on.
This is my favourite show, everyone.
Like, the best show.
I never played at Wembley as a football player, but now I'm here, this feels like my Wembley.
Aw! I was expecting a cheer but it went 'aw'.
(CHEERING) Can we just go 'yes'? CROWD: Yes! Fucking made it.
Mum, I'm here.
Keith, I love you.
Thanks for having us on, Keith.
Holly, last week you were elected Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
Yes, that's right.
Have you got any policies you'd like to bring in? For my first policy, I am suggesting - no, I am making it a fact - that we have champagne on my team's desk all game.
(SHRIEKS) A frisky little devil.
Look at this.
This is like heaven for me right now.
Oh, all right, darling! (KEITH LAUGHS AND WHOOPS) I thought he was the naughty boy! Everyone, it's Naughty Boy.
I want it back.
Naughty Boy, you have won two MOBOs, you had one of the highest selling singles in British history and worked with the biggest music names on the planet, but unfortunately there's one big story that's shadowing all of that.
Hmm What is the naughtiest thing you've ever done? I've got a list here of things, I want to know if you think they're naughty.
OK.
We are going to start gently.
What about finger up the bum? Oh Yeah? What about flicking the Vs at a blind person? Is that naughty? No.
Anyone can piss anyone off.
So really, if you've done something to piss someone off.
I could do it behind Fearne's back.
But you won't.
No, I won't.
I wouldn't.
I know that.
What about changing Stephen Hawking's voice box setting to Arabic? I think it should be like a different country every week.
But if you are too naughty, you know where you end up, don't you? Jail? On the Naughty Step.
That's where you'll end up.
What's been going on with Zayn? Zayn's in a great place.
But what's been going down? With Louis? Zayn, you know, left for his own personal reasons.
And one day people will know everything.
Right now is not the time.
He's just doing But Louis dissed your Mac filter photos.
Shall we have a look at some of the tweets? This is from Louis.
Yeah, and who had a MacBook when they were 12? I didn't even have a PC when I was 12.
Fucking hell.
Then you replied to Louis: ALL: Ooh! Naughty Boy! Naughty Boy! Who is complaining? No-one is.
So you're right.
Thank God for auto tune.
Guess who my friend is.
Who? Louis.
Oh, right.
Here we go.
Now I'm a celebrity Are you going to ring him? Yes, I'm gonna call him.
Don't do that.
You're lucky, he's asleep.
It's all banter.
Seriously, he had a lot to tell me.
Is this for real, Jimmy? He don't fucking like him.
Hey! Naughty step! Naughty step! No, Keith, it's my fucking first time on here.
Oh, fuck's sake! Sin bin.
Fucking first time on here.
This is shit.
It's my first time on here.
Not all show, though.
No, until you've learned your lesson.
I've learned my lesson.
Have you? What's he doing? Do you not understand why you're on the step? I really don't.
Do you not understand? I didn't do nothing.
Do you know what you did? You said a bad word.
You swear all the time.
Yes, but I'm an adult.
Do you understand why you're here? Sorry, Keith.
Sorry? Right, go sit back.
Oh, thanks, Keith.
Sorry.
Naughty, I'm going to embarrass you again here.
Oh, fuck's sake.
This one's a nice one and it shows initiative.
It's got good morals, this one.
You were on Deal or No Deal.
Yes.
This is awesome.
This is the best story.
This is a legendary historic moment.
Naughty, tell us the story, though.
I dropped out of uni, I had like £10 in my bank account.
But I played the show and came back with £44,000.
And what did you do with that? And I built a studio in my mum and dad's shed.
Yes! Recogni Hug it out.
I tell you what, Brooke, congratulations on winning a BAFTA on Sunday.
Well done.
There you are.
You don't look very pleased.
You look like, 'do I get one or is there just one? Do we get loads made? You are the fittest one on Corrie right now.
Oh, yeah, why? Cos Keegs left.
Thanks, mate.
I never said that.
Right out the door.
See you in a bit.
Are you a bridesmaid for Keegan? No, I'm not a bridesmaid.
We got a picture of you on the hen do.
Why are you sniffing your fingers? Well Because she'd just seen Marvin! That's like a 'ha'! That's a sly snifter.
Ha! Oof Hey, it's Rochelle and Marvin.
(APPLAUSE) TV's faffest couple.
Second faffest, I would say, behind me and Fearne, I suppose.
Would you say you are the more urban version of Eamon and Ruth? Yeah.
Yeah, definitely, yeah.
How's the family, good? Very good, yes.
You recently had a day out at the zoo, didn't you? We got a picture of you at the zoo.
There you are.
Hey, I'm at London Zoo! I knew this was coming.
Marvin, you've got a long neck, haven't you? I have, historically, yes.
He uses it quite a lot, actually.
What, my neck? All right! The other day when you were driving, remember you could not see around the corner and your neck was like Rochelle, you've got a new show on ITV1 with Ben Shephard, Chris Kamara called Ninja Worrior UK.
What do ninjas have to worry about? On our show, they have to worry about not falling into the water.
I get to talk to the men who are nice and muscly afterwards.
Look at daggers then! Honestly, she has a go at me, right, for, you know, looking at, you know, another woman on TV or whatever.
She, like, literally gets the geezers on the show to take their tops off, feeling their pecs, feeling their biceps.
She's all over them, mate.
Yeah, but mine's for work.
Yeah, OK.
Marvin.
Keith.
Is it true that when you were in JLS, Oritse liked to get you to squeeze into things? Yeah, he got me in the band.
So it is true? Yes.
Great.
So let's play What Can We Get Marv-In? Hello.
OK.
So as you can see, we've got a variety of objects here we're gonna see if we can get Marv in.
For each one that you get in, you win a point for your team.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Let's do it.
Let's start with a suitcase.
Do you think he'll be able to get in? Yeah! Oh, Jesus.
Take the shoes off.
Yeah, shoes off.
No.
Keep your shoes on.
Go on.
Nah, this ain't gonna happen, mate.
Yes, it is.
Go on your side like a baby.
You've done it, you've done it! I have to shut it.
Lend him a shoehorn and get him in.
Quick, no, Marv, that shoulder.
Put your foot on him.
Tread on him.
I'm getting cramp in my neck.
That's it, that's it! I've got to be able to shut it.
Marvin, that is so (APPLAUSE) Are you all right in there, Marv? My neck! Pull your neck in like when ET does.
Does it shut? Is that shut? That's half a point.
He's sweating.
I only got fucking half a point for that? Jesus, my neck, man.
Yeah, your neck.
Right, what about a fridge? Or, if you're American, refrigerator.
Can he get in this? CROWD: Yeah! Go on, you can do this.
It looks deeper.
I reckon this might be harder cos there is nowhere to bend.
(CROWD CHEERS) Oh, look at that! His neck just did it.
Let's speak to the adjudicators.
Don't half a point us off, Keith.
That's got to be half a point.
They are saying no points.
What?! That's, tough, that is.
I would have given you half a point, Marv.
If that bit weren't there, I'd be all right.
Dog's kennel.
Let's see if you can get in a dog's kennel.
Have you ever been in the doghouse before? Oh, yeah! Always.
Go in backwards.
I think forwards, Brooke.
No, I promise you.
Is that what you always say? I'll go in backwards later on, don't you worry.
There's no back door, babe.
He'll get in there, won't he? CROWD: Yeah! He means business now.
He is taking his jacket off.
(CROWD WHOOPS) You are doing it wrong.
She's done it before? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You can come out now.
No, stay in there! Marvin, I have to tell you, if you don't get in one, you lose a point.
What? What? No, let's have another go at the suitcase real quick.
Really? No, the fridge.
Go on.
Get your neck in half a yard.
Wind your neck in.
Can I just check? Yes! (APPLAUSE) If you don't want him, I'll have him! Oh, my God.
Fucking He's heavy.
He's banging, he's banging! Fucking boom! You were in the jungle, weren't you? Yeah, it was hard.
He didn't win it.
He went out.
I came stone cold last.
I felt like a champion, though, Keith.
You looked like a champion when you did a bit of photo bombing.
I got my winkle out.
Look at this.
Look all the girls: 'Did you?' I mean, he clung on for dear life.
He was amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
Jimmy is just popping up behind you, Michaela.
You are joking.
What a lovely day, everyone.
I'm sorry! I loved that.
Jimmy, have you ever gone on a cruise with a bunch of celebrities and gone into a Bermuda Triangle vortex type thing? No, but I love this part of the show.
font color="# Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check this.
I went on a cruise recently with some of my favourite celebrity mates.
There's me with Kanye West.
Katy Perry.
Harry Styles.
When suddenly we went through a Bermuda Triangle vortex type situation.
And everyone got turned into kids.
I was all right, though, because I was in a lead-lined toilet at the time having a shit.
When I came out, I found myself stranded with a load of mini celebrities.
Welcome to: This is Toastbusters and as you can see I am joined by Eminem or Marshall Mathers or Slim Shady.
Who are you today? I don't know.
Take your mask off.
Oh, you're Eminem.
It's Eminem.
You won't need your chainsaw today.
This is how it's going to work.
Myself and Eminem have the Toastbusters pack which will retrieve toast as it pops up from the toaster.
Once we have caught a piece of toast we will move on to something more industrial such as the crumpet, the bagel So on and so forth.
You get the idea.
So who will win the challenge? Me or Eminem? How is Dr Dre these days? I forgot about Dre.
He forgot about Dre.
Back to the studio.
That's good.
So, Fearne's team.
Who do you think won the Toastbuster challenge? Eminem.
OK.
Straight up.
Holly's team, who won, Eminem or me? Well, I know how competitive you are with this sort of thing.
font color="#ffffff" I am always surprised how co-ordinated you are.
That kind/f I thought you meant with my clothes.
No.
You are the best dressed on TV.
Are you taking style tips from him? What do you think? He's my idol.
Me or Eminem? I'm going to go Keith.
We have to go Keith.
He's your wing man.
Let's see who won.
Power it up.
Hey! Ooh! Yes! Eat my toast! Hard, isn't it, for you? I'll prove you wrong.
Go on, then.
Boom! This girl who is on the floor is not throwing them up right.
I know it's supposed to look like it's popping out of a toaster.
Can we get a boy in? I'm not being sexist, we all know girls can't throw.
Can they? No.
Here, get that girl back, he's worse.
No chance.
Better than you! (KLAXON) Yes! Yes! I am the host with the most toast! Boo! If you have two Hoovers at home, get involved and suck some bread off.
Did you enjoy it? Yes.
And what about Dre? I forgot about Dre.
Back to t'studio.
You just want to be on telly.
It is a point to Holly's team.
And the scores at the end of that round are Right.
I'm going to the toilet.
See you after t'break.
Coming up after the break We are going to go100 points.
Hurrah! Welcome back to a special Celebrity Juice Normal Special.
It's just normal.
We're just playing games.
It's just normal, innit? Holly, so you are recently at home, you have just given birth, feeding your child with boob and stuff.
And stuff.
Whilst you were at home, did you ever think, "Is Pierce Brosnan older than a pocket calculator?" Erm, no, but it is a good question.
Well, you are going to love this game.
It's called (APPLAUSE) What I'm going to do is show you a picture of a celebrity, then I'm gonna show you an item.
You have to tell me which is older - the item or the celebrity.
We are going to gamble with points.
You can say, "I'm going to play for 15 points.
" Then you can win 15 points if you get it right but if you get it wrong, you will lose 15 points, even if you haven't got 15 points already.
Minus.
Minus, yes.
Oh, That is interesting, innit, Fearne? I like that idea.
Good.
Holly's team, we will start with the title of the game.
Pierce Brosnan - is he older than a pocket calculator? But how old is Pierce Brosnan? He has got to be at least 62.
Do you think he is as old as that? Definitely 60.
I think the calculator is younger.
How many points do you want to play for? I think we should go for five.
Let's go five.
I think ten is a bit much, do you? f I can reveal that Pierce Brosnan was born in 1953 and the pocket calculator was invented in 1967! (APPLAUSE) Pierce Brosnan is 14 years older.
OK, Fearne, you are next.
What is older - Fearne Cotton or the chicken McNugget? Oohh! I would like to think that people worked out how to put bread on chicken before I was born.
I pray that that is the case.
I'm 33, just to put that out there.
Not your showbiz age, your real age.
That is my straight-up, real age.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Ronald is quite old, isn't he? Yeah, Ronald is old.
They are trying to work out how old Ronald McDonald is! They have got fucking no chance! We are going to go with a safe five points, to say that nuggets are older than me.
Are older? I can reveal, Fearne You were allegedly born in 1981.
Yes? And the chicken McNugget didn't come along until 1983.
You are older! No! That's not right.
Holly's team, you are next! They are rub Is Holly Willoughby older Oh, God.
.
.
than the rollerblade? Oh, I had I know the answer to this! (MOCKING STUTTER)/f Because, for Christmas, I got the first generation Bauer rol 100 points.
Wait one second.
Rollerblades! I definitely am older.
How many points? Shall I mean, I'm pretty sure.
Marvin said 100.
font colo 100 points? (CHEERING) 100 points.
font color="#00 .
.
am older?! (SQUEALS) Did you say 100 points? Go for it.
/f 100 points you are older than the rollerblade? Give us the hundred, I fucking need it! Holly was born in 1981.
The rollerblade came out in 19 .
.
79! Fearne's team, what is older? Naughty Boy or My Little Pony? Whoo-hoo! These are our points, we are not collaborating with you! I loved My Little Pony when I was a kid, and I am older than Naughty Boy.
We will go older.
f My Little Pony.
You think my Little Pony is older Did you say 250 points? I mean Yeah, we did.
Go for it.
/ Have fun, live on the edge.
I can tell you Naughty Boy was born in 1985.
My Little Pony was released in 19 .
.
82! My Little Pony is older! (CHEERING) Whoo! The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Brooke, will you stop giving me fuck-me eyes? Every time I look up, you are giving me fuck-me eyes.
No, I am just seeing where you are looking, so I know that I can breathe and relax.
That's all it is.
Every time I look over, you are like that.
They are fuck-off eyes.
Yeah, that is what they are.
I don't know the difference between them.
Fuck off eyes are like this.
That is what she is doing.
She is going like this.
You dirty bastard! Naughty Boy, it says here that you used your parents' garden shed as a recording studio.
Yes.
You are not going to believe this.
font color="#00ff00 I do a bit of DJing in my shed.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
I will tell you what, let's go over to my shed, where I like to do some DJing, to play Blame It on the Urban Boogie.
Boom! Name It on the Urban Boogie, you get me? Yeah, boy! Recognise, do you get me? Here we are in my urban shed, roofless, yeah! I am with my main man here, Naughty Boy.
So naughty, he's sick.
He likes spitting rhymes and shit and ting.
So, you are going to do some stinky beats? Not stinky, sick.
Pongy! Yeah, pongy.
Some pongy beats, yeah? So they have to guess what the track is by the power of dance.
Yeah.
Let's see who is going to be on the dancefloor first.
Come through the shed door! Holly Willough-boobs in the hiz-ouse.
Rochelle in the hiz-ouse! Jimmy Bullard in the hiz-ouse! Now we are going to drop some stinky beats, if you know what I mean.
Get on the scene and fucking recognise! So, Rochelle, you will be wearing these.
Right.
You will try and guess what the track is.
They will have to dance, and hopefully, their dance will tell you what that track is.
Rochelle, your top has come undone.
I can't hear you.
Your top has come undone.
I can see your boobs.
Yeah, I can't hear you.
OK, cool.
All right then.
You watch them.
Watch them.
Naughty Boy, drop some beat, boy.
# Let me lick you up and down Let Me Lick You Up and Down? Correct, Yes! Next one, next one.
Drop a sick beat.
# Boom, shake, shake, shake the room # Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Time? Time Machine! No.
Don't mouth it! You have got to dance.
Boom, Boom, Shake, Shake the Room! Yes! Naughty Boy, drop it! # My name is what? My name is who? # My name is Slim Shady Skinny? Skinny.
It's a light with a shade.
Skinny Slim Shady? Yes! Here is another one.
# See you at the crossroads, crossroads, crossroads Black and yellow? Oh, no.
Cross? Do it.
It will be easier for her if she can see you.
That is it.
Didn't get that one.
I don't know that.
Didn't get that o # See you at the crossroads, crossroads # She can't hear yo # See you at the crossroads # Oh, shit.
Of course it was.
Holly's team, everyone! Well done.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going to go to an ad break now.
Come back for more of me and Naughty Boy, when we play (STUTTERS) (LAUGHTER) You link to break.
Yeah, we will be back in a bit and Keith is going to sort out his hair and his hat.
Yo, boom! Coming up after the break You look like a pregnant crab! Yo! Boom! Impression an' ting! You got me? Here we are in my urban shed.
What we are going to do now, you are going to play on Fearne's behalf.
You will be putting the sound-cancelling headphones on.
They will be dancing, and hopefully telling you what the song is via the power of dance.
While we have got this dancefloor here, I'm going to try a dance myself.
I'm going to put my favourite beat on.
Go.
(DANCE MUSIC) Oh, no.
I know that tune, it brings back many memories.
I'm too young for that.
(DANCE MUSIC) (CLAPPING) (CHEERING) Why, when you are dancing, is it a bit like you have shit yourself? My ass is really sweaty.
I'm warm in this hat.
Are you ready? We are ready.
I am going to drop some pongy, stinky, shitty beat now! # When the pimp's in the crib, ma # Drop it like it's hot # Drop it like it's hot # Drop it like it's hot # When the pigs try to get at ya # Park it like it's hot # You can see what Naughty Boy is seeing.
He has got a camera on his head, it is amazing, it is technology.
It is pongy and stinky an' ting.
Drop.
Drop It Like It's Hot.
(CHEERING) Yes, yes! Next one.
Here is another naughty beat.
# I was gonna clean my room # Until I got high # I was gonna get up and find the broom # But then I got high This is you! Smoking? Yes.
ErGet High? Yes! Yes, yes.
Next one! Brooke, dance, you bastard! Dance! # Can't touch this You look like a pregnant crab.
Oh! You Can't Touch This.
Yes! Next one! Oh, my God, I'm going to go into labour.
# Everybody wanna steal my girl # Everybody wanna take her heart away # Couple billion in the whole wide world # Find another one cos she belongs to me # Everybody wanna steal my girl # Everybody wanna take her heart away # Couple billion in the whole wide world One.
Straight but not so straight.
One Direction! Yes.
But what is it? Look, look, look.
# When she's in those jeans, all right Steal My Girl.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The next one! I am out of breath! # My mind is telling me no # But my body, my body's telling me yes Body.
# I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump 'n' grind Oh, booty.
That's how I got in this mess.
# Nothing wrong # Bump 'n' Grind.
Yes! (KLAXON) Oh, that's it, that's it! Well done, Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of the round, that's the end of tonight's show.
Everybody in the urban shed! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Check this.
Their winning team tonight is You ready for this? You are not going to believe this shit, it's pongy! It's Fearne's team! Recognise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # NAUGHTY BOY FT.
SAM SMITH: La La La Ta-ra!
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