Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e03 Episode Script
Larry Lamb, George Lamb, Sarah Harding, Paloma Faith, Jimmy Carr
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Hurrah! Hello.
(CHEERING CONTINUES) (WHISTLING) Hurrah! AUDIENCE: Hurrah! (LAUGHTER) I'm just doing online content.
You see what happened with me chair? That was exciting, weren't it? WELCOME TO CELEBRITY JUICE.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Let's meet our team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughby.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) I know.
Yeah, it has.
Holly, who's on your team? On my right I've got a lamb sandwich, it's a George and Larry Lamb sandwich.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) And on my left, she's just won Big Brother.
It's Sarah Harding.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) It's Fearne Cotton! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Fearne, who's on your team? Well, on my left it's the new Gino D'acampo.
It's Jimmy Carr! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) The new Gino? Yeah.
That's a TERRIBLE thing to say.
I know.
It is a terrible thing to say.
And on my right, the gorgeous, the sparkly Paloma Faith.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WOLF WHISTLING) Paloma, you look like a cross between Blackpool Front and Wayne's World.
(ALL LAUGH) You look lovely.
The slogan is just for you.
The slogan is "Pussy grabs back".
Oh-ho-ho! YES! You like that? Or, as Holly calls it, a vagina.
The vagina.
A bloody bush.
Paloma, what do you call yours? The empty chasm of despair.
(ALL LAUGH) # Baa, baa, grey sheep Have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir George and Larry Lamb (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Baa! It's nice to have, like, a father-and-son combo.
It's lovely.
What were you like as a nipper? Were you a naughty boy? No, I was quite a well-behaved boy.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Larry, did you ever catch him playing about with his todge? No, he didn't.
I didn't.
I caught him plenty.
(ALL LAUGH) Have you walked in to your dad pumping fist? I've definitely walked in to him with various stepmums, for sure.
(ALL LAUGH) You all right, Holly? Oh, my God.
Tell us about your new show.
We've just been cycling around Britain for the last month.
We went to four national parks, and it's on Channel 5 on Friday night at eight o'clock.
So watch it.
It's called Britain By Bike With Larry and George.
Let your dad say something.
It's not just about you.
(ALL LAUGH) It's all right, it's much easier.
When's the bicycle one, again? Friday, week.
No, no, this is going out on Thursday.
Right.
Here we go.
(ALL LAUGH) There's a lot of this in the show.
Hey? That's why I don't let dad say anything.
It's sad, isn't it, when they go? Yeah, isn't it? (ALL LAUGH) It's bad when you've got to fucking work with him as well.
It's tough.
Poor Larry.
Larry.
Yes.
You were in the jungle recently.
I was in the jungle, not too recently, almost a year ago.
You loved it? I certainly did.
Absolutely loved it.
Yeah? Did you have to eat anything weird? I got away with that, no.
I couldn't do it.
Chewing fish eyes, and then spitting them into a cup, so you've got a cup full of stewed spit eyes.
Yeah.
Is this in the jungle or the care home that you're at? Yes.
(LAUGHTER) It sounds awful.
George, would you ever do the jungle? No.
No.
No, no, I don't wanna do the jungle.
Jimmy, would you go in jungle? 100%, yeah.
Would ya? It's the biggest show on TV.
No one's bigger than that.
Go on it then, Jimmy.
I would do it.
Sorry? Why don't you go on it? I'm busy, mate.
I've got a career.
(ALL LAUGH) Yes.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Yeah.
Yeah! She gives me a hard-on, it's Sarah Hard-on.
(LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Congratulations.
Winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (CHEERING) (LAUGHS) How does it feel to be out of the Big Brother house? Do you go into the airing cupboard and think it's the Diary Room? (LAUGHS) Yeah, it feels a bit weird, actually.
Yeah, does it? Yeah.
How was it? It was interesting.
I mean, I was reading online some of the stories and stuff.
It's pretty intense.
Elaborate on the intenseness.
There was good intense, there was bad intense, and there was the ugly intense.
You found love in there.
We have a picture of the man you became romantically involved with.
Mm, oh, yeah.
There he is.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Who's that? Paul Danan.
Paul Danan.
Are you re-enacting a scene from There's Something About Mary? Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) Did you have a fling with Paul Danan? No, did I 'eck? No! No, no, he's got the wrong one.
It were this fat bastard here.
(LAUGHTER) JIMMY: Who's that? HOLLY: Is that your love interest? Maybe.
Why did you fall for him? What's he got? (LAUGHING) I didn't actually go in there looking for anything at all.
I didn't look at him like that.
He's my friend.
She fell on him and just fell on it.
It was an accident.
Who is he? He's a handsome man.
He's from The Bachelor.
He's from The Bachelor? That's a reality show in America He's not a bachelor anymore.
He's not a bachelor, he's the winner.
Yeah.
Are you going over to America? I am.
Yes.
Will you be living there? No, no.
I'm going next week but I'm doing work over there as well.
What are you doing? Can you tell us? Have we got an exclusive? I'm going back into the studio.
To do music? Yes.
Also writing.
You think you'll do some DJing? I'll do a little bit of DJing, yeah.
You also do a bit of acting? A little bit, yeah.
You were in one of the fittest films ever.
St Tinian's.
Oh, yeah.
It was full of fit birds.
We've got a picture of you.
There you are.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.
Also, Paloma Faith was in it.
Let's have a look at Paloma.
(LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Paloma was obviously Edward Scissorhands' girlfriend.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, my God.
# Well, you've got to have faith, faith, faith You gotta have faith, f-faith f-faith Paloma Faith (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS) (APPLAUSE) I love it that my career has spanned such heights that you have to use the song of another musical artist to introduce me.
Don't you just love it? I love it.
You fucking love it with a passion.
I love it.
(LAUGHTER) You cocky Bjork bastard.
(LAUGHTER) How's it going, Paloma? Good.
Haven't seen you for a long time.
I was creating another human being.
A CHILD! Congratulations! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Thank you.
(GIGGLES) You've got a new single out.
Yeah.
Do you know it yet? 'Course I do.
Can you do it? # I wanna cry baby Cry baby # Cos it's (MUMBLES LYRICS) (LAUGHTER) # So I cry baby Cry baby (MUMBLES LYRICS) (ALL LAUGH) Just like her.
I sound like her.
That was very good.
Beautiful.
Here it is.
It's a real copy A physical formation.
.
.
not just a download.
When the album comes out on November 17, it's called The Architect The Architect.
.
.
and it will be out then and you can buy a physical one.
And you can buy a vinyl.
Oh, really? Which I like.
Is Samuel L Jackson working on this album? Yeah.
Does he sing? I'm not saying what he's doing on it.
Is he doing rapping? Who knows? Oh, tell us, please tell us, please tell us.
It's a mystery.
Fair dues.
Will you tell us after? No.
I'm not fucking interested.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, everyone, he's the sexiest man on TV right now, it's none other than Jimmy Ca-ha-ha-ha (IMITATING JIMMY'S LAUGH) Always with the laugh.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Yeah, well Aah.
Nice to see you again.
It's lovely that you come on so often these days.
I've missed you so much.
I love being on this show.
What's your thought behind what you're wearing? I'm He didn't want you to see him.
What's the message? The message? The world's in a terrible state and I'm ready for anything.
You look it.
I'm ready.
If I have to go to North Korea and sort things out, I'm going.
(LAUGHTER) George and Larry, the last time you was on here was six years ago and we played Silence Of The Lambs.
But we're gonna play it again.
This time, Jimmy's gonna help me.
So let's play The Silence Of The Lambs.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Here we are in The Silence Of The Lambs The Revenge, Baaaaack With The Revenge With Jimmy I can't remember what it's called.
We're in the arena of that game where you saw the graphic.
Erm, Jimmy's helping me.
We've got to make George and Larry laugh.
Erm, if they do indeed laugh, Fearne's team will win a point and you won't win a point.
It's so easy.
There's gonna be different categories on how we make them laugh.
Paloma Faith has those categories, so let's go over to her for the first category.
Paloma Faith, what's the first category? (DRUM ROLL) It isGardening.
JIMMY: Gardening.
Gardening? Ow! You bastard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Gardening.
No laughing.
No laughing.
(TURNS ON BLOWER) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (JIMMY LAUGHS) Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS) (JIMMY LAUGHS) Same, no laughter.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (JIMMY LAUGHS) Larry, are you still alive? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Paloma, what's the next category, please? (DRUM ROLL) The next category is Roast Lamb.
Roast Lamb.
Oh? Oh, fuck! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Get him! What's she doing? (LAUGHS) We have to roast them? Roast lamb.
I'm not very nasty, though.
I can I'm not very nasty.
I can do nasty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You go first, you go first.
You act, you present, do radio, theatre.
Think you'll ever find anything you're good at? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (YAWNS) (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Hey, you guys have got no socks on.
(MOCKING LAUGH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY, PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you ever, can I ask, genuinely have you ever double-teamed a girl? (LAUGHTER AND GROANING) The colour of your jacket's a bit drab, innit? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Are you enjoying your last TV appearance? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There might be a BAFTA tribute, but this is really it for you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) George, I think you'd be better looking if, erm, if you had blue eyes.
(LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You've got brown eyes.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(BUZZER, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (KEITH AND JIMMY LAUGHING) A point for Fearne's team! How magic.
(SIGHS) Paloma! What's the next category? (DRUM ROLL) Lamby Love.
Gear up now.
(LAUGHTER) Lamby Love.
Oooh.
I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Hmm, that's nice and smart.
(ALL LAUGH) Think I'll use this.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hold hands.
Cue the music! # MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March (KEITH LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) George, you may kiss the bride! (WOLF WHISTLING) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (BUZZER) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Across the mouth, too.
That's a point for Fearne's team.
Thank you.
Paloma, what's the next category? (DRUM ROLL) It's Holiday Snaps.
(SARAH LAUGHS) Ow.
(LAUGHTER) We've got some holiday snaps here that we've collected for George and Larry.
We're gonna look at them to see if we can bring some fond memories back.
There you go, there's yours, there.
Mm-hm.
Pretty tame.
Can you remember where you are there? What's that one from? Ephesus, I think.
Do you remember where you were for this one? (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHTER, BUZZER) Larry, look, he's laughing.
(LAUGHTER) That's really good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (JIMMY LAUGHING) I think he might have had a stroke, you know.
I don't know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm sure he did, she's a very attractive woman.
The photo that comes after that one, if you can see that.
You see? You see? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Is he shitting in the street there? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I've got the end of the night there.
(LAUGHTER) A human caterpillar! (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) You can't even really tell that's me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You can't see my face in there.
(LAUGHTER) Any recollection of that evening? I love that.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Larry Lamb is the champion! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Well done.
We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after the break OK, head down a bit.
In your own time.
(GRUNTING) (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) HURRAH! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Sarah, your first big hit was Sound Of The Underground.
It was.
What I want to know is can you make the sound of the Underground? (LAUGHS) I knew this was coming.
I'll give a point for any of you who can do It's sort of like that, but if you sped it up.
Like, if they record it That's a point for Fearne's team.
There you go.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) (LAUGHS) Well, this next game is all about sounds, so let's play It's the sound of the Domestic Appliance! (SARAH AND AUDIENCE LAUGH) The Sound Of The Domestic Appliance.
Erm, I'm gonna give you a domestic appliance, you have to do the sound of that domestic appliance.
Hopefully, your team mates will guess what that domestic appliance is for a point for your team.
It's so eeeasy.
First up to play is Paloma Faith! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) YAY! Do you whisper it? Yeah, I'll whisper it to you.
OK.
(MUMBLES) .
.
Washer.
OK.
OK.
Yeah, you ready? For people at home, this is what it is.
Here's the dramatic lighting change.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Oh, now make the sound of the domestic appliance erm, to your team mates.
You're watching ITV2.
We're doing domestic appliance noises.
Shhhhh! Shh-sss-shh.
A tap.
A shower.
Shh-sss-shh-sss-shh.
(BLOWS) A washing machine.
Shhhhhh! Tumble dryer? Chshh-chshh-chshh-chshh! A dishwasher.
Yes, she did it! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) You don't know it, but when you're a mum, like, those things are really pleasing.
(ALL LAUGH) It's my favourite place.
Next up is Sarah Harding! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) All right.
(PALOMA LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) OK.
OK.
HOLLY: He's cut to the chase.
Face your team mates.
Now make a sound of the domestic appliance.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng! (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) I'll give you a clue, it's not a vibrator.
How do I do it? Tsh! A toister.
A toaster! (ALL LAUGH) Yes, it was a toister.
A toister.
It's a toister.
Well done, Sarah Harding.
(PING!) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) I don't know where "Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng!" came from.
Next up is Jimmy Carr.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I think that's spelt wrong.
Er, no, I think that's a different thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'll do the noise first.
OK.
Fearne's team.
FEARNE: Yes.
(JIMMY AND KEITH SPEAK) So (IMITATES SQUELCHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (IMITATES QUEEFING) Is that Paloma's deep cavity of despair? (LAUGHTER) YES.
Yes, but it's not the real one.
Right.
(IMITATES QUEEFING) A sink plunger.
Silicone It's like a sink plunger mixed with cavern of despair.
A silicone vagina.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A Fleshlight.
A Fleshlight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) A Fleshlight.
You don't know what a Fleshlight is? In its Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oooh! It's like a torch, but it's got a minge in it and you can What.
The.
Hell is going on? But it makes the noise (QUEEFING) It's sort of, it sort of queefs on you when you're (LAUGHTER) .
.
because the air Have you got one? Huh? Have I got ONE? I haven't got ONE.
(ALL LAUGH) Jimmy Carr, everybody! Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I didn't know what one was.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Jimmy, you've got a new series of Your Face Or Mine out on the 4th October at 8:00pm, on Comedy Central.
If you've never seen Your Face Or Mine what happens? OK, so, you get a couple on the show Yes.
.
.
and they initially have to judge famous people, who's better looking.
Brad Pitt or George Clooney? Whatever the current thing is.
Then, they have to judge each other.
Is it good? It is good! We did some genuinely terrible things.
We got this lovely lesbian couple who came on and their mums happened to be there, and they had to tell us who had the best looking mum.
(PALOMA GASPS) (LAUGHTER) Oh! Ooh! I know.
We're the worst.
He's a horrible man.
(LAUGHTER) Jimmy? Erm, you know I like swimming? You love swimming.
I love swimming.
Aah, swimming.
I was swimming, and I bumped into your friend.
Did you? Stephen Hawking.
Right.
He said, "Wouldn't it be great if you did the Theory Of Anything again? That game that you did ages ago.
" Remember that game I do.
I do remember the game.
So, let's play it again! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (MAN AS STEPHEN HAWKING) 'The Theory Of Anything.
' Hi.
Exciting times for me, exciting times for you.
If you like Back To The Future, lucky for me, Stephen Hawking, apparently, is friends with Stephen Spielberg, and he was kind enough to give us the keys to Doc Brown's science lab from the film Back To The Future back in 1985.
I'm just waiting for the phone (PHONE RINGING) That must be Stephen Hawking now.
He's gonna tell us what experiments we're gonna do.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello, is that Steve? Word to your mum.
'Hello, Keith.
Hello.
You all right? 'I am bloody brilliant.
' (LAUGHTER) What's the first experiment, Stevo? (READING) Is it possible to catch a cocktail sausage that's been fired out of a snorkel? 'Yes.
' I don't know.
Oh, you want us to do that experiment.
'Holly Willoughby and Sarah Harding.
' Of course! It's Holly and Sarah! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) It's a dream.
This is amazing.
I like the lab.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
It's exciting times.
Are you living the dream right now? I'm Michael J Fox.
I'm Marty McFly doing lots of this.
"I don't know, Doc.
" (WHINES) (LAUGHTER) What you've got to do is wear a snorkel and fire a cocktail sausage from the snorkel, and catch it.
OK.
Have you decided who's gonna wear the snorkel? You're snorkelling I've got a good set of lungs on me.
You're catching.
Oh, you ARE a singer! Singer's lungs.
You ARE a singer.
So if you'd like to place this on your person.
Thank you very much.
(LAUGHS) Is that your sausage bag? That is.
Are they raw? That's not a sausage.
I said a cocktail sausage.
OK, let's put it in.
Yeah, yeah, get down.
Like this? Get down on your knees.
That's it.
(ALL LAUGH) No, no, no.
You want them loose.
Let's pop one in now.
OK.
BOTH: Right.
I'm just gonna move you.
You angle her.
Turn, turn, turn, stop.
This is for science, remember.
Ready? Three, two, one (BLOWS) There's nothing in there.
Yes, there is.
There's nothing there.
Sh! Did you suck it? No, I didn't suck it.
Have you eaten it? (LAUGHS) Have you eaten it? (LAUGHS) It didn't It's gone! It's gone.
(ALL LAUGH) Have you fucking eaten it? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You've eaten it! She's eaten it! How can you not remember that you've eaten it? I have not eaten it! I'll put another one in.
Don't eat it! (LAUGHTER) It's OK.
OK.
Head down a bit.
Down a bit.
In your own time.
(BLOWS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Ah! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (SIGHS) Right.
Right, well, it's in, it's in.
OK, really OK, ready? Yeah.
Ready, steady (INHALES DEEPLY, BLOWS) YAY! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (KEITH LAUGHS, WHISTLING) That's two points for Holly's team.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Holly and Sarah, everyone! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (PHONE RINGING) Oh, that's the phone.
That's the phone.
Oh, it's fucking PPI.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) No, no, no, I've not just got a loan.
No, I don't have any insurance and don't have a bank account.
Fuck off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, PHONE RINGING) Hello, is that PPI? MAN AS HAWKING: 'No.
' I though it was this PPI thing.
Are we gonna do another experiment? 'Yes.
' (REPEATS) What is it? 'Is it possible to spell words correctly (READING) Who would you like to do that experiment with? 'Fearne.
' It's Fearne Cotton! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) Hello.
Very fash.
I know, I'm wearing a tracksuit.
You look much younger, you don't look like an old lady anymore.
Come forward, come forward.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
I really like it, actually.
It's great.
Look.
It's got his spinning pod.
Right, then.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) In the spinning pod you will climb.
OK.
You'll be spun 360 degrees Will I fit in there? .
.
at the speed of light, then I'll ask to you spell some words.
If you get them correct, you'll win a point for your team.
Do you wanna climb into Doc Brown's Spinning Pod? Not really.
It's for telly, for a bit of fun and entertainment.
Yeah! Thursday night.
It's a bit of fun for Thursday night.
If anyone's got a spinning pod at home, DON'T DO THIS AT HOME! This is ridiculous.
(SIREN) Am I putting my How's this working? I've never done it before.
That's it.
Hold onto the strap.
Ready? Well, yeah.
I'll just turn it on.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
What? Wait.
We need a safe word, so if I'm freaking out we stop.
"AH! I don't like it.
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Erm Stop.
I'll just say "stop".
That's my safe word.
Listen out for it.
Don't fuck about.
I won't fuck about.
If I say "stop", will you stop? I'll stop.
(LAUGHTER) Lovely.
Oh, shit bags.
(TURNS ON SPINNER) Be really Do the questions quick.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Are you ready? Just do it.
Oh, my God! OK.
Spell "clitoris".
No, that's incorrect.
It's I said that, you wanker! You didn't! Spell "nostrils".
Spell "premium".
STOP! She has done it.
Stop it.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! You're the bomb.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) Fearne Cotton, everyone.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) Oh! (LAUGHS) OH! Well done, Fearne.
Thanks See ya.
.
.
very much (!) Fearne Cotton.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) She looks sexy when she's dishevelled.
And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) We're going to an ad break now, see you in the future.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING) Coming up after the break Bullshit! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm out of here! Who won? (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! You having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Having a good time? Mooo! The best.
Yay.
"Moo"? (ALL LAUGH) That was quite confusing.
Larry, you was a bad guy in EastEnders, Archie Mitchell.
We couldn't get an actual picture because BBC charges you loads for clearance, but we've mocked one up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Would you ever go back? Ooh, never say never.
George, what about you, will you ever do acting? I've tried once.
I wasn't very good.
What were you in? Er, a short film.
That no one's ever seen.
Was it a gentleman's special interest film? Well (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I had to do a sex scene with this girl, and I'd never done any acting and it was super weird.
They will always tell you, "It's not real, don't worry about it.
" What a load of bollocks.
Once you get into it, you're into it basically.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) That's the reality.
The first time I played a romantic lead was opposite Kate O'Mara in that old series Triangle, years ago.
I was really keen.
I got this chance to get on with this beautiful woman.
So, we're having a big kiss.
And she pulled back, she said, "Darling, this is acting.
We don't do tongues.
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Did you get a straight on? I think I probably did.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I probably did.
I probably did.
Anyway, all to play for now is the final round.
It's the Buzzer round.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) If you know the answers or you don't know the answers, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? MAN: 'Baaa.
Fuck off!' (ALL LAUGH) It's a lamb with threats, he sounds like, to me.
Fearne, what's you buzzer this week? MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
" (BAD BEAT BOXING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) OK.
The first question is.
What poor life choice has George made here? MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
" (BEAT BOXING) GEORGE: I know, I know.
JIMMY: Fearne's team.
Has he got a kilt on? No.
I know.
MAN: 'Baaa-wanker.
Fanny fat.
Where's the red trousers.
Let's have a look.
HOLLY: Oh, he didn't.
He did! Look at you! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL SPEAK AT ONCE) I enjoy that.
You know there's a website called (BLEEP) In Red Trousers dot com.
Yeah.
I made it on.
(JIMMY LAUGHS) That's how I know about it.
What did the Rolling Stones' Ronnie Wood recently say he does every day.
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
" (BEAT BOXING) Fearne's team.
That's nice.
Painting? A bit of painting.
It's like painting but RECORDING: Baaa, fuck off! Is it drawing? It's like drawing but different.
Sculpting? ALL: Sculpting.
Pottery? It's like pottery, but different.
Colouring in.
No.
The answer was sex.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) He has sex every day? Yeah.
Every day? Good old granddad, hey? Mmm, lovely (!) What genuine animal noise have we dubbed over this photo? (SEA LION BARKING) A seal laughing.
A seal laughing.
'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
' (BEAT BOXING) A seal? A very happy seal? No? That's not what I've got written down here.
A confused seal? It's not a seal.
'Baaaa, piss off!' Is it donkey? Sea lion? It's a sea lion! Oh, piss off! (ALL LAUGH) Who had sex most recently, George or Larry? 'Baaaa, pimp!' I reckon Larry.
(ALL LAUGH) I hope it was me.
I think it was me.
(ALL LAUGH) Correct, it was you! (WHOOPING) In his autobiography, who did Larry say he once had sex with who he shouldn't have had sex with? 'Baaaa, fuck off!' Who was it? A nun.
Was it a WHAT? That's correct! (ALL LAUGH) A real one? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) What? So, what happened with the nun? A lot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (BUZZER) That's the end of the buzzer round and Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is (SHOUTS) Larry! Do you wanna know who won? (ALL LAUGH) Hey? Do you wanna know who won? What? The winning team was Holly's team! ALL: Yay.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING, LAUGHING) Of course, I was only joking.
It were Fearne's team! (ALL CHEER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (ALL LAUGH) (CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH) I just wanted to see what it would be like if you did win cos I was double bluffing, it was Holly's team.
GEORGE: Yeah! Bullshit! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm out of here! Who won? See if they win the last dance.
# GIRLS ALOUD - Sound Of The Underground (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Check out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Hurrah! Hello.
(CHEERING CONTINUES) (WHISTLING) Hurrah! AUDIENCE: Hurrah! (LAUGHTER) I'm just doing online content.
You see what happened with me chair? That was exciting, weren't it? WELCOME TO CELEBRITY JUICE.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Let's meet our team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughby.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) I know.
Yeah, it has.
Holly, who's on your team? On my right I've got a lamb sandwich, it's a George and Larry Lamb sandwich.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) And on my left, she's just won Big Brother.
It's Sarah Harding.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) It's Fearne Cotton! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Fearne, who's on your team? Well, on my left it's the new Gino D'acampo.
It's Jimmy Carr! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) The new Gino? Yeah.
That's a TERRIBLE thing to say.
I know.
It is a terrible thing to say.
And on my right, the gorgeous, the sparkly Paloma Faith.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WOLF WHISTLING) Paloma, you look like a cross between Blackpool Front and Wayne's World.
(ALL LAUGH) You look lovely.
The slogan is just for you.
The slogan is "Pussy grabs back".
Oh-ho-ho! YES! You like that? Or, as Holly calls it, a vagina.
The vagina.
A bloody bush.
Paloma, what do you call yours? The empty chasm of despair.
(ALL LAUGH) # Baa, baa, grey sheep Have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir George and Larry Lamb (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Baa! It's nice to have, like, a father-and-son combo.
It's lovely.
What were you like as a nipper? Were you a naughty boy? No, I was quite a well-behaved boy.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Larry, did you ever catch him playing about with his todge? No, he didn't.
I didn't.
I caught him plenty.
(ALL LAUGH) Have you walked in to your dad pumping fist? I've definitely walked in to him with various stepmums, for sure.
(ALL LAUGH) You all right, Holly? Oh, my God.
Tell us about your new show.
We've just been cycling around Britain for the last month.
We went to four national parks, and it's on Channel 5 on Friday night at eight o'clock.
So watch it.
It's called Britain By Bike With Larry and George.
Let your dad say something.
It's not just about you.
(ALL LAUGH) It's all right, it's much easier.
When's the bicycle one, again? Friday, week.
No, no, this is going out on Thursday.
Right.
Here we go.
(ALL LAUGH) There's a lot of this in the show.
Hey? That's why I don't let dad say anything.
It's sad, isn't it, when they go? Yeah, isn't it? (ALL LAUGH) It's bad when you've got to fucking work with him as well.
It's tough.
Poor Larry.
Larry.
Yes.
You were in the jungle recently.
I was in the jungle, not too recently, almost a year ago.
You loved it? I certainly did.
Absolutely loved it.
Yeah? Did you have to eat anything weird? I got away with that, no.
I couldn't do it.
Chewing fish eyes, and then spitting them into a cup, so you've got a cup full of stewed spit eyes.
Yeah.
Is this in the jungle or the care home that you're at? Yes.
(LAUGHTER) It sounds awful.
George, would you ever do the jungle? No.
No.
No, no, I don't wanna do the jungle.
Jimmy, would you go in jungle? 100%, yeah.
Would ya? It's the biggest show on TV.
No one's bigger than that.
Go on it then, Jimmy.
I would do it.
Sorry? Why don't you go on it? I'm busy, mate.
I've got a career.
(ALL LAUGH) Yes.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Yeah.
Yeah! She gives me a hard-on, it's Sarah Hard-on.
(LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Congratulations.
Winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (CHEERING) (LAUGHS) How does it feel to be out of the Big Brother house? Do you go into the airing cupboard and think it's the Diary Room? (LAUGHS) Yeah, it feels a bit weird, actually.
Yeah, does it? Yeah.
How was it? It was interesting.
I mean, I was reading online some of the stories and stuff.
It's pretty intense.
Elaborate on the intenseness.
There was good intense, there was bad intense, and there was the ugly intense.
You found love in there.
We have a picture of the man you became romantically involved with.
Mm, oh, yeah.
There he is.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Who's that? Paul Danan.
Paul Danan.
Are you re-enacting a scene from There's Something About Mary? Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) Did you have a fling with Paul Danan? No, did I 'eck? No! No, no, he's got the wrong one.
It were this fat bastard here.
(LAUGHTER) JIMMY: Who's that? HOLLY: Is that your love interest? Maybe.
Why did you fall for him? What's he got? (LAUGHING) I didn't actually go in there looking for anything at all.
I didn't look at him like that.
He's my friend.
She fell on him and just fell on it.
It was an accident.
Who is he? He's a handsome man.
He's from The Bachelor.
He's from The Bachelor? That's a reality show in America He's not a bachelor anymore.
He's not a bachelor, he's the winner.
Yeah.
Are you going over to America? I am.
Yes.
Will you be living there? No, no.
I'm going next week but I'm doing work over there as well.
What are you doing? Can you tell us? Have we got an exclusive? I'm going back into the studio.
To do music? Yes.
Also writing.
You think you'll do some DJing? I'll do a little bit of DJing, yeah.
You also do a bit of acting? A little bit, yeah.
You were in one of the fittest films ever.
St Tinian's.
Oh, yeah.
It was full of fit birds.
We've got a picture of you.
There you are.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.
Also, Paloma Faith was in it.
Let's have a look at Paloma.
(LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Paloma was obviously Edward Scissorhands' girlfriend.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, my God.
# Well, you've got to have faith, faith, faith You gotta have faith, f-faith f-faith Paloma Faith (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS) (APPLAUSE) I love it that my career has spanned such heights that you have to use the song of another musical artist to introduce me.
Don't you just love it? I love it.
You fucking love it with a passion.
I love it.
(LAUGHTER) You cocky Bjork bastard.
(LAUGHTER) How's it going, Paloma? Good.
Haven't seen you for a long time.
I was creating another human being.
A CHILD! Congratulations! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Thank you.
(GIGGLES) You've got a new single out.
Yeah.
Do you know it yet? 'Course I do.
Can you do it? # I wanna cry baby Cry baby # Cos it's (MUMBLES LYRICS) (LAUGHTER) # So I cry baby Cry baby (MUMBLES LYRICS) (ALL LAUGH) Just like her.
I sound like her.
That was very good.
Beautiful.
Here it is.
It's a real copy A physical formation.
.
.
not just a download.
When the album comes out on November 17, it's called The Architect The Architect.
.
.
and it will be out then and you can buy a physical one.
And you can buy a vinyl.
Oh, really? Which I like.
Is Samuel L Jackson working on this album? Yeah.
Does he sing? I'm not saying what he's doing on it.
Is he doing rapping? Who knows? Oh, tell us, please tell us, please tell us.
It's a mystery.
Fair dues.
Will you tell us after? No.
I'm not fucking interested.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, everyone, he's the sexiest man on TV right now, it's none other than Jimmy Ca-ha-ha-ha (IMITATING JIMMY'S LAUGH) Always with the laugh.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Yeah, well Aah.
Nice to see you again.
It's lovely that you come on so often these days.
I've missed you so much.
I love being on this show.
What's your thought behind what you're wearing? I'm He didn't want you to see him.
What's the message? The message? The world's in a terrible state and I'm ready for anything.
You look it.
I'm ready.
If I have to go to North Korea and sort things out, I'm going.
(LAUGHTER) George and Larry, the last time you was on here was six years ago and we played Silence Of The Lambs.
But we're gonna play it again.
This time, Jimmy's gonna help me.
So let's play The Silence Of The Lambs.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Here we are in The Silence Of The Lambs The Revenge, Baaaaack With The Revenge With Jimmy I can't remember what it's called.
We're in the arena of that game where you saw the graphic.
Erm, Jimmy's helping me.
We've got to make George and Larry laugh.
Erm, if they do indeed laugh, Fearne's team will win a point and you won't win a point.
It's so easy.
There's gonna be different categories on how we make them laugh.
Paloma Faith has those categories, so let's go over to her for the first category.
Paloma Faith, what's the first category? (DRUM ROLL) It isGardening.
JIMMY: Gardening.
Gardening? Ow! You bastard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Gardening.
No laughing.
No laughing.
(TURNS ON BLOWER) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (JIMMY LAUGHS) Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS) (JIMMY LAUGHS) Same, no laughter.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (JIMMY LAUGHS) Larry, are you still alive? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Paloma, what's the next category, please? (DRUM ROLL) The next category is Roast Lamb.
Roast Lamb.
Oh? Oh, fuck! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Get him! What's she doing? (LAUGHS) We have to roast them? Roast lamb.
I'm not very nasty, though.
I can I'm not very nasty.
I can do nasty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You go first, you go first.
You act, you present, do radio, theatre.
Think you'll ever find anything you're good at? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (YAWNS) (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Hey, you guys have got no socks on.
(MOCKING LAUGH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY, PEOPLE LAUGHING) Have you ever, can I ask, genuinely have you ever double-teamed a girl? (LAUGHTER AND GROANING) The colour of your jacket's a bit drab, innit? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Are you enjoying your last TV appearance? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There might be a BAFTA tribute, but this is really it for you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) George, I think you'd be better looking if, erm, if you had blue eyes.
(LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You've got brown eyes.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(BUZZER, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (KEITH AND JIMMY LAUGHING) A point for Fearne's team! How magic.
(SIGHS) Paloma! What's the next category? (DRUM ROLL) Lamby Love.
Gear up now.
(LAUGHTER) Lamby Love.
Oooh.
I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Hmm, that's nice and smart.
(ALL LAUGH) Think I'll use this.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hold hands.
Cue the music! # MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March (KEITH LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) George, you may kiss the bride! (WOLF WHISTLING) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (BUZZER) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Across the mouth, too.
That's a point for Fearne's team.
Thank you.
Paloma, what's the next category? (DRUM ROLL) It's Holiday Snaps.
(SARAH LAUGHS) Ow.
(LAUGHTER) We've got some holiday snaps here that we've collected for George and Larry.
We're gonna look at them to see if we can bring some fond memories back.
There you go, there's yours, there.
Mm-hm.
Pretty tame.
Can you remember where you are there? What's that one from? Ephesus, I think.
Do you remember where you were for this one? (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHTER, BUZZER) Larry, look, he's laughing.
(LAUGHTER) That's really good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (JIMMY LAUGHING) I think he might have had a stroke, you know.
I don't know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm sure he did, she's a very attractive woman.
The photo that comes after that one, if you can see that.
You see? You see? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Is he shitting in the street there? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I've got the end of the night there.
(LAUGHTER) A human caterpillar! (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) You can't even really tell that's me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You can't see my face in there.
(LAUGHTER) Any recollection of that evening? I love that.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Larry Lamb is the champion! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Well done.
We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after the break OK, head down a bit.
In your own time.
(GRUNTING) (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) HURRAH! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Sarah, your first big hit was Sound Of The Underground.
It was.
What I want to know is can you make the sound of the Underground? (LAUGHS) I knew this was coming.
I'll give a point for any of you who can do It's sort of like that, but if you sped it up.
Like, if they record it That's a point for Fearne's team.
There you go.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) (LAUGHS) Well, this next game is all about sounds, so let's play It's the sound of the Domestic Appliance! (SARAH AND AUDIENCE LAUGH) The Sound Of The Domestic Appliance.
Erm, I'm gonna give you a domestic appliance, you have to do the sound of that domestic appliance.
Hopefully, your team mates will guess what that domestic appliance is for a point for your team.
It's so eeeasy.
First up to play is Paloma Faith! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) YAY! Do you whisper it? Yeah, I'll whisper it to you.
OK.
(MUMBLES) .
.
Washer.
OK.
OK.
Yeah, you ready? For people at home, this is what it is.
Here's the dramatic lighting change.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Oh, now make the sound of the domestic appliance erm, to your team mates.
You're watching ITV2.
We're doing domestic appliance noises.
Shhhhh! Shh-sss-shh.
A tap.
A shower.
Shh-sss-shh-sss-shh.
(BLOWS) A washing machine.
Shhhhhh! Tumble dryer? Chshh-chshh-chshh-chshh! A dishwasher.
Yes, she did it! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) You don't know it, but when you're a mum, like, those things are really pleasing.
(ALL LAUGH) It's my favourite place.
Next up is Sarah Harding! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) All right.
(PALOMA LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) OK.
OK.
HOLLY: He's cut to the chase.
Face your team mates.
Now make a sound of the domestic appliance.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng! (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) I'll give you a clue, it's not a vibrator.
How do I do it? Tsh! A toister.
A toaster! (ALL LAUGH) Yes, it was a toister.
A toister.
It's a toister.
Well done, Sarah Harding.
(PING!) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) I don't know where "Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng!" came from.
Next up is Jimmy Carr.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I think that's spelt wrong.
Er, no, I think that's a different thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'll do the noise first.
OK.
Fearne's team.
FEARNE: Yes.
(JIMMY AND KEITH SPEAK) So (IMITATES SQUELCHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (IMITATES QUEEFING) Is that Paloma's deep cavity of despair? (LAUGHTER) YES.
Yes, but it's not the real one.
Right.
(IMITATES QUEEFING) A sink plunger.
Silicone It's like a sink plunger mixed with cavern of despair.
A silicone vagina.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A Fleshlight.
A Fleshlight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) A Fleshlight.
You don't know what a Fleshlight is? In its Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oooh! It's like a torch, but it's got a minge in it and you can What.
The.
Hell is going on? But it makes the noise (QUEEFING) It's sort of, it sort of queefs on you when you're (LAUGHTER) .
.
because the air Have you got one? Huh? Have I got ONE? I haven't got ONE.
(ALL LAUGH) Jimmy Carr, everybody! Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I didn't know what one was.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Jimmy, you've got a new series of Your Face Or Mine out on the 4th October at 8:00pm, on Comedy Central.
If you've never seen Your Face Or Mine what happens? OK, so, you get a couple on the show Yes.
.
.
and they initially have to judge famous people, who's better looking.
Brad Pitt or George Clooney? Whatever the current thing is.
Then, they have to judge each other.
Is it good? It is good! We did some genuinely terrible things.
We got this lovely lesbian couple who came on and their mums happened to be there, and they had to tell us who had the best looking mum.
(PALOMA GASPS) (LAUGHTER) Oh! Ooh! I know.
We're the worst.
He's a horrible man.
(LAUGHTER) Jimmy? Erm, you know I like swimming? You love swimming.
I love swimming.
Aah, swimming.
I was swimming, and I bumped into your friend.
Did you? Stephen Hawking.
Right.
He said, "Wouldn't it be great if you did the Theory Of Anything again? That game that you did ages ago.
" Remember that game I do.
I do remember the game.
So, let's play it again! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (MAN AS STEPHEN HAWKING) 'The Theory Of Anything.
' Hi.
Exciting times for me, exciting times for you.
If you like Back To The Future, lucky for me, Stephen Hawking, apparently, is friends with Stephen Spielberg, and he was kind enough to give us the keys to Doc Brown's science lab from the film Back To The Future back in 1985.
I'm just waiting for the phone (PHONE RINGING) That must be Stephen Hawking now.
He's gonna tell us what experiments we're gonna do.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello, is that Steve? Word to your mum.
'Hello, Keith.
Hello.
You all right? 'I am bloody brilliant.
' (LAUGHTER) What's the first experiment, Stevo? (READING) Is it possible to catch a cocktail sausage that's been fired out of a snorkel? 'Yes.
' I don't know.
Oh, you want us to do that experiment.
'Holly Willoughby and Sarah Harding.
' Of course! It's Holly and Sarah! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) It's a dream.
This is amazing.
I like the lab.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
It's exciting times.
Are you living the dream right now? I'm Michael J Fox.
I'm Marty McFly doing lots of this.
"I don't know, Doc.
" (WHINES) (LAUGHTER) What you've got to do is wear a snorkel and fire a cocktail sausage from the snorkel, and catch it.
OK.
Have you decided who's gonna wear the snorkel? You're snorkelling I've got a good set of lungs on me.
You're catching.
Oh, you ARE a singer! Singer's lungs.
You ARE a singer.
So if you'd like to place this on your person.
Thank you very much.
(LAUGHS) Is that your sausage bag? That is.
Are they raw? That's not a sausage.
I said a cocktail sausage.
OK, let's put it in.
Yeah, yeah, get down.
Like this? Get down on your knees.
That's it.
(ALL LAUGH) No, no, no.
You want them loose.
Let's pop one in now.
OK.
BOTH: Right.
I'm just gonna move you.
You angle her.
Turn, turn, turn, stop.
This is for science, remember.
Ready? Three, two, one (BLOWS) There's nothing in there.
Yes, there is.
There's nothing there.
Sh! Did you suck it? No, I didn't suck it.
Have you eaten it? (LAUGHS) Have you eaten it? (LAUGHS) It didn't It's gone! It's gone.
(ALL LAUGH) Have you fucking eaten it? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You've eaten it! She's eaten it! How can you not remember that you've eaten it? I have not eaten it! I'll put another one in.
Don't eat it! (LAUGHTER) It's OK.
OK.
Head down a bit.
Down a bit.
In your own time.
(BLOWS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Ah! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (SIGHS) Right.
Right, well, it's in, it's in.
OK, really OK, ready? Yeah.
Ready, steady (INHALES DEEPLY, BLOWS) YAY! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (KEITH LAUGHS, WHISTLING) That's two points for Holly's team.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Holly and Sarah, everyone! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (PHONE RINGING) Oh, that's the phone.
That's the phone.
Oh, it's fucking PPI.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) No, no, no, I've not just got a loan.
No, I don't have any insurance and don't have a bank account.
Fuck off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, PHONE RINGING) Hello, is that PPI? MAN AS HAWKING: 'No.
' I though it was this PPI thing.
Are we gonna do another experiment? 'Yes.
' (REPEATS) What is it? 'Is it possible to spell words correctly (READING) Who would you like to do that experiment with? 'Fearne.
' It's Fearne Cotton! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) Hello.
Very fash.
I know, I'm wearing a tracksuit.
You look much younger, you don't look like an old lady anymore.
Come forward, come forward.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
I really like it, actually.
It's great.
Look.
It's got his spinning pod.
Right, then.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) In the spinning pod you will climb.
OK.
You'll be spun 360 degrees Will I fit in there? .
.
at the speed of light, then I'll ask to you spell some words.
If you get them correct, you'll win a point for your team.
Do you wanna climb into Doc Brown's Spinning Pod? Not really.
It's for telly, for a bit of fun and entertainment.
Yeah! Thursday night.
It's a bit of fun for Thursday night.
If anyone's got a spinning pod at home, DON'T DO THIS AT HOME! This is ridiculous.
(SIREN) Am I putting my How's this working? I've never done it before.
That's it.
Hold onto the strap.
Ready? Well, yeah.
I'll just turn it on.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
What? Wait.
We need a safe word, so if I'm freaking out we stop.
"AH! I don't like it.
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Erm Stop.
I'll just say "stop".
That's my safe word.
Listen out for it.
Don't fuck about.
I won't fuck about.
If I say "stop", will you stop? I'll stop.
(LAUGHTER) Lovely.
Oh, shit bags.
(TURNS ON SPINNER) Be really Do the questions quick.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Are you ready? Just do it.
Oh, my God! OK.
Spell "clitoris".
No, that's incorrect.
It's I said that, you wanker! You didn't! Spell "nostrils".
Spell "premium".
STOP! She has done it.
Stop it.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! You're the bomb.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) Fearne Cotton, everyone.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) Oh! (LAUGHS) OH! Well done, Fearne.
Thanks See ya.
.
.
very much (!) Fearne Cotton.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) She looks sexy when she's dishevelled.
And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) We're going to an ad break now, see you in the future.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING) Coming up after the break Bullshit! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm out of here! Who won? (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! You having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Having a good time? Mooo! The best.
Yay.
"Moo"? (ALL LAUGH) That was quite confusing.
Larry, you was a bad guy in EastEnders, Archie Mitchell.
We couldn't get an actual picture because BBC charges you loads for clearance, but we've mocked one up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Would you ever go back? Ooh, never say never.
George, what about you, will you ever do acting? I've tried once.
I wasn't very good.
What were you in? Er, a short film.
That no one's ever seen.
Was it a gentleman's special interest film? Well (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I had to do a sex scene with this girl, and I'd never done any acting and it was super weird.
They will always tell you, "It's not real, don't worry about it.
" What a load of bollocks.
Once you get into it, you're into it basically.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) That's the reality.
The first time I played a romantic lead was opposite Kate O'Mara in that old series Triangle, years ago.
I was really keen.
I got this chance to get on with this beautiful woman.
So, we're having a big kiss.
And she pulled back, she said, "Darling, this is acting.
We don't do tongues.
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Did you get a straight on? I think I probably did.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I probably did.
I probably did.
Anyway, all to play for now is the final round.
It's the Buzzer round.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) If you know the answers or you don't know the answers, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? MAN: 'Baaa.
Fuck off!' (ALL LAUGH) It's a lamb with threats, he sounds like, to me.
Fearne, what's you buzzer this week? MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
" (BAD BEAT BOXING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) OK.
The first question is.
What poor life choice has George made here? MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
" (BEAT BOXING) GEORGE: I know, I know.
JIMMY: Fearne's team.
Has he got a kilt on? No.
I know.
MAN: 'Baaa-wanker.
Fanny fat.
Where's the red trousers.
Let's have a look.
HOLLY: Oh, he didn't.
He did! Look at you! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL SPEAK AT ONCE) I enjoy that.
You know there's a website called (BLEEP) In Red Trousers dot com.
Yeah.
I made it on.
(JIMMY LAUGHS) That's how I know about it.
What did the Rolling Stones' Ronnie Wood recently say he does every day.
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
" (BEAT BOXING) Fearne's team.
That's nice.
Painting? A bit of painting.
It's like painting but RECORDING: Baaa, fuck off! Is it drawing? It's like drawing but different.
Sculpting? ALL: Sculpting.
Pottery? It's like pottery, but different.
Colouring in.
No.
The answer was sex.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) He has sex every day? Yeah.
Every day? Good old granddad, hey? Mmm, lovely (!) What genuine animal noise have we dubbed over this photo? (SEA LION BARKING) A seal laughing.
A seal laughing.
'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.
' (BEAT BOXING) A seal? A very happy seal? No? That's not what I've got written down here.
A confused seal? It's not a seal.
'Baaaa, piss off!' Is it donkey? Sea lion? It's a sea lion! Oh, piss off! (ALL LAUGH) Who had sex most recently, George or Larry? 'Baaaa, pimp!' I reckon Larry.
(ALL LAUGH) I hope it was me.
I think it was me.
(ALL LAUGH) Correct, it was you! (WHOOPING) In his autobiography, who did Larry say he once had sex with who he shouldn't have had sex with? 'Baaaa, fuck off!' Who was it? A nun.
Was it a WHAT? That's correct! (ALL LAUGH) A real one? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) What? So, what happened with the nun? A lot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (BUZZER) That's the end of the buzzer round and Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is (SHOUTS) Larry! Do you wanna know who won? (ALL LAUGH) Hey? Do you wanna know who won? What? The winning team was Holly's team! ALL: Yay.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING, LAUGHING) Of course, I was only joking.
It were Fearne's team! (ALL CHEER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (ALL LAUGH) (CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH) I just wanted to see what it would be like if you did win cos I was double bluffing, it was Holly's team.
GEORGE: Yeah! Bullshit! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm out of here! Who won? See if they win the last dance.
# GIRLS ALOUD - Sound Of The Underground (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)