Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e03 Episode Script
Jonathan Ross, Kate Nash, Sid Owen, Rylan Clark-Neal
1 'Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, check out my sweet-ass titles.
'You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" 'But don't worry, it's just another overelaborate metaphor 'for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughboozy, 'firing space lasers from her massive tits.
'And there's Fearne Cotton, riding a giant, cock-shaped spaceship.
'There's Gino D'Acampo, still on fucking holiday.
'Here we are, taking a selfie.
'Online presence.
Phew! We made it to the studio, 'just in time for the best telly show, on the telly.
What is that 'telly show, on the telly? It's Celebrity Juice, on telly.
'Not in 3D, I fucking wish it was, though!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Look at him, look at him! Hurrah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Thursday, your weekend starts here, not on Friday, it's Thursday, it's Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
Holly, who's on your team? Well, on my right, he's the king of chat.
It's the one, and only, Jonathan Ross! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE To my left, he'll always be, "Rick-ey," to me.
It's Sid Owen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's the man with the best teeth in showbiz, it's Rylan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On my right, she's the coolest woman on the planet, it's Kate Nash! Aw! Yeah! You said, I must eat so many lemons, cos you're so bitter, it's Kate Nash! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know you've eaten a lot of lemons, but I hope you've got room for one more lemon, tonight Oh, God.
You know what I'm saying? That's a good one.
I'm a big fan of you, I've got all your albums on my telephone Do you? .
.
and I have one on CD format.
Aw! That's cool.
You do have a new album out, don't you? Yeah.
I think I've got it, here.
This is your first album in five years? Yeah.
Yesterday Was Forever.
Look at the front, those Babybels.
LAUGHTER So, you stopped music for a little bit, didn't you, cos you're in the Netflix smash, GLOW.
Yeah.
You're Rhonda, aren't ya? I'm Rhonda Richardson.
There you are.
There's Rhonda.
RYLAN: 'Go on, Kate Nash.
' What's the message of GLOW, for anyone who's not seen GLOW? It was a real show in the '80s, about these women who ended up being wrestlers on TV.
It was described as, like, spandex wrestling, glitter, and the '80s.
Have you not seen it, Rylan? I haven't yet, no.
You should watch it, it's good.
If it's spandex and glitter, I'm in.
I thought you would've loved it.
You'd sit there, dressed up in the outfits, watching it.
MIMICS RYLAN: Oh, here she is.
Here she is.
Here she is.
Sid, have you ever done any acting? No LAUGHTER I'm still working on it.
Rick-ey! It's Sid Owen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What you been up to? Nothing.
LAUGHTER You must have been up to something You've been on that show, didn't you, 100 Years Younger? Yeah, didn't do anything for me, did it? I think we've got a picture of you, before and after, let's look.
There's you before, looking slightly tired.
And here's afterwards.
You've got a suit on.
LAUGHTER Is it true that every morning, at 4am, you woke up with an erection? Yes.
Why, what was going on? I don't know, apparently, it's to do with testosterone.
Do you know the best way of getting rid of an erection? Knock one out.
Yeah.
Or just think of Fearne Cotton.
Yeah.
I was waiting for it.
It'll just flop down, like a balloon at New Year's Eve.
Some big news, apparently, you're out of retirement, you're acting again.
I am, but I've never been retired from acting.
I thought you retired? No.
No.
Oh.
No.
LAUGHTER Kept away from acting That's what I mean.
Not from telly and stuff, just not doing acting.
I didn't step away, it just meant, I haven't got any work.
LAUGHTER You're doing panto, aren't you? What are you in panto? I'm playing Captain Hook.
KATE: 'Classic!' The main role? Yeah.
Wicked.
Hopefully, I won't have to do too much.
OK.
LAUGHTER Wibbly, wobbly.
Wibbly, wobbly, it's Jonathan Ross.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 series, now, on ITV, of your show.
Yeah.
That's a clap.
13 series! APPLAUSE I'm as surprised as everybody else is.
You recently had a spot of problem with technology, haven't you? I don't think so.
With Siri? Oh, yeah.
Trying to put a message in I use Siri a lot, it's handy.
I had to call Radio 2, I recorded a show and I didn't want them to put it out the way I wanted to change it, not THAT show, and LAUGHTER And I said, "remind me, tomorrow, to call Radio 2.
" And the Siri actually wrote, "Remind me to call Wadey 02.
" I think we've got a picture.
There it is.
Look.
"Call Wadey O2.
" LAUGHTER Because of this, I thought I'd give you a chance to try and work out the technology of Siri.
Play a little, mini game That sounds good.
OK.
Let's play.
'Siwi versus Jonathan Woss The Speech-Off.
' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All you have to do is read out some sentences and, if Siri understands them, you get a point for your team.
OK.
Hello, Siri.
'Greetings, Keith.
' I'm not Keith.
LAUGHTER Fuck you, Siri.
LAUGHTER 'I don't know how to respond to that.
' Yeah.
LAUGHTER So, read one out? Yep.
All right.
CLEARS THROA Siri, take a note Yes! RYLAN: Ah, Robert.
Roasted Roberts! Try the next one.
Siri, take a note LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Let's see if you get the last one.
CLEARS THROA Siri, take a note FEARNE: 'Wow!' That's even worse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm afraid, no points, Jonathan.
What do you mean? The scores, at the end of that round, are Sha-ting! Rylan, hello.
It's Rylan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We've got big news.
Apparently, you've adopted someone.
Did Was I drunk? I heard that you've adopted Gok Wan.
Oh LAUGHTER I love Gok, he's lovely.
I think we've got a picture of you, taking him to work with you.
LAUGHTER FEARNE: 'Cute!' You doing the school run, here.
There he is.
Look at him, look.
So cute Look at him.
He loves it.
And here you are, giving him his nightly feed.
LAUGHTER He loves it.
I'd love to have tits like that.
Kate, Kate.
Yeah.
Onstage, you like smashing shit up, don't you? I do, sometimes.
Do you smash instruments up, and stuff? I don't, well, if it's my piano, I do.
Because you like smashing shit up, and you like doing wrestling now, we've come up with a game where we can utilise all your skills.
So, let's play MUSIC: 'Firestarter' by The Prodigy UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Hello, and welcome to Kate Nash, Smash My Shit Up! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The rules are simple.
You will enter the ring, where you will meet your opponent.
All you have to do is smash your opponent to smithereens! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You have an allotted time to do this.
If you do so, you win a point for your team.
First up, all the way from Harrow, she can piss bullets, she pretends to be a wrestler, but can she wrestle in real life? It's Kate Nash! # I am a warrior Well, I am the warrior.
APPLAUSE Let's see who your opponent is.
BOOING All the way from Jurassic Park, it's an inflatable T-Rex.
BOOING You're going down.
You go on the bell, you have an allotted time.
Are you ready? Let's go! BELL RINGS I'm gonna start with a bit of a classic.
CHEERING Ooh Headlock.
SHOUTING AND CHEERING RYLAN: 'That's it.
Get it, right in there.
' Hit me with your best shot.
LAUGHTER CHEERING Hit me with your best shot.
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING T-Rex, you BLEEP.
LAUGHTER Slam it! Hit me with your best shot.
KLAXON SOUNDS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah, fuck you, T-Rex! Fuck you! Come back here! Oh, where's she going with it? Oh! LAUGHTER Go on, Nash, smash it up! SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING Yes! Yeah! Oh, go on! Kate, the bell's gone.
Kate, the bell's gone.
Yeah, but I'm a bad guy.
LAUGHTER SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER Ah! Ah! Ah! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the winner is Kate Nash! I am a warrior Yes, Kate Nash! Next up, she's hell banked up with her cock, it's Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Ooh! APPLAUSE Yes! Fearne, your dick's hanging out.
LAUGHTER Get it in, get it in.
We can see your little onion.
Is that better? Are you ready? Let's see what your opponent is.
Quite nervous.
It's a vegetable quiche.
It's brought children to tears.
LAUGHTER What you gonna say to it, before you smash it to smithereens? LAUGHTER That was smooth.
LAUGHTER You little, '70s buffet bitch.
LAUGHTER You better watch out.
BELL RINGS There you go! Oh! Oh! She's bouncing SHOUTING AND CHEERING UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've smashed it.
Oh, fuck the tray.
KLAXON SOUNDS She ain't rotten, it's Fearne Cotton.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Next up, it's weally, weally furious, all the way from black-and-white times, it's Jonathan Ross.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHANTING: 'Wibbly, wibbly, wibbly.
' Oooh! LAUGHTER It's flossing.
OK, let's see what you're fighting.
GUITAR-BASED MUSIC PLAYS Ooh! This is gonna end badly.
It's been known to make fingers bleed, it's the dirty acoustic.
Eurgh, you filthy, little pig.
BOOING Tell him what for.
Tell him what for, before you fight.
Give it some shit.
Call yourself a guitar, more like a fucking ukulele! LAUGHTER You go on the bell.
BELL RINGS There it is! SHOUTING AND CHEERING CHEERING, ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SHOUTING AND LAUGHING GASPING AND SCREAMING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS KLAXON SOUNDS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the winner is Jonathan Ross! Yeah! LAUGHTER Was it bad? SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE And the scores, at the end of that round, are Sha-zing! Going to an ad break, now, we'll see you in three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Coming up, after the break' AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Now, on our first episode, I premiered my new idea.
It was for a game show called What Comes Down The Tube.
Now, apparently, ITV are really interested in it, but they just wanna see more of it.
So, we're gonna play it again.
So, let's play GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS '.
.
What's Come Down The Tube?!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE JONATHAN: 'Live, pre-recorded, 'from a studio in Elstree,' it's time for What's Come Down The Tube? 'Please, welcome your presenter for this evening, 'my really, really great friend, Mr Keith Lemon!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome to What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Tube? You know, I've still got a problem with that catchphrase.
Why? Because the audience say the word "the," and Yeah, they fucking love that word.
LAUGHTER What's Come Down Audience: The .
.
Tube? In this game, basically, I will put products down the tube.
Our panellists will have to guess what that product is.
They will be blindfolded.
If they guess it correctly, they'll win a point for their team.
In the show that is called, What Comes Down Audience: The .
.
Tube? First up, wibbly, wobbly, Jonathan Ross.
GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Disgusting.
Choose a number from the prize board.
OK, I'm gonna go for, I'm gonna go for, right in the middle, number five.
Number five.
It's It's some lovely bunnies.
CHEERING Some wabbits.
LAUGHTER Some wabbits, then a point for your team.
OK.
Are you ready? Yep.
Get on the love rug.
And I put this here? LAUGHTER For you guys, at home, if you're playing this, look away, because this is what I'm putting down.
This is what's coming down AUDIENCE: the .
.
tube! Tell me when I put my mouth over it.
And this.
AUDIENCE GROANS Hold on, I don't like that sound.
Here it comes.
LAUGHTER Wait a minute, wait a minute.
AUDIENCE GROANS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's a gherkin! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And what else? Coco Pops.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Rylan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS Rylan, have you ever been in this position before? LAUGHTER Not with you, you'd be so fucking lucky.
LAUGHTER Can you tell me when? You'll know when.
No, but I don't like surprises.
Eh! For you guys at home, this is what's going down.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! What? What? LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHTER INDISTINC AUDIENCE GROANS APPLAUSE So, Rylan, what came down AUDIENCE: the .
.
tube?! It tasted like minty cum.
LAUGHTER And we all know that minty cum is Mouthwash.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, my God! Rylan, it's like we've kissed.
LAUGHTER That brings us to another end of What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Tube! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE 'What's Come Down The Tube?!' Sid, in the industry, you're a triple threat, aren't you? Because you can act, you can sing .
.
and you can dance.
But have you got any more secret skills that we don't know about? AUDIENCE CHUCKLES Well, let's find out, as we play 'UK & Eire's Got Even More Secret Skills.
' APPLAUSE Hello, I am your host, Keith Lemon, and welcome to UK & Eire's Got More Secret Skills.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In this round, our panellists will come up onto the stage and perform a secret skill.
It's so secret, not even they know what their secret skill is.
They'll be reading it off the monitor.
If our special adjudicators believe that they do have secret skills, they win a point for their team.
First up, it's Rylan, Jonathan, and Sid! GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, would you say that this is your last chance Oh, absolutely.
It's their last chance.
LAUGHTER So, you'd go alone? Yeah, I would definitely go solo.
Good luck with that, you fucking freak.
LAUGHTER OK, well, good luck, tonight, I hope you really do have secret skills.
Let's do this! Have a look at the monitor, let's see what it is.
This is our moment.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, play the track.
MUSIC: 'Wuthering Heights' by Kate Bush # Out of the wiley, windy moors # We'd roll and fall in green # You had a temper, like my jealousy # Too hot, too greedy # How could you leave me When I needed to possess you # I hated you.
I loved you, too # Bad dreams in the night # They told me I was going To lose the fight # Leave behind my Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering # Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy THEY SING TOGETHER: # I've come home.
I'm so cold Let me in your window MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY Woah! APPLAUSE Not gonna believe this.
What? It's a golden shower! Yeah! MUSIC: 'Wuthering Heights' by Kate Bush CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, next up, it is It's Holly Willoughboozy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS Let's see what skills you don't know you've got.
OK.
Get out there.
OK, read off the monitor.
Here's Holly Willoughby! APPLAUSE AUDIENCE GROANS I can actually do this.
So, right, you get a cocktail stick Do not try this at home.
So, it's going It's going in.
What?! Holly Willoughby, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've got to pull it out.
Not with your mouth! I'm not my hands are full.
AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Where does it go? Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Kate Nash, Holly, and Fearne! GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've a feeling I know what's coming here.
I like it when we get a girl band.
I'm assuming you're a girl band, aren't you? Well, girl, boy, band.
LAUGHTER You're the boy.
How big's your willy? Well, that's not really relevant to this No, it's not.
So, stop bragging about it, yeah? Really looking forward to seeing what your secret skill is.
Get out there, do your best, and let's hope that your dream comes true.
LAUGHTER Ah, yes! Love the All Saints.
HOLLY: 'Tune!' You ready? Ready for the track? I'm gonna give it all my best.
# A few questions that I need to know Yes! # How you could ever hurt me so # I need to know What I've done wrong # And how long it's been going on # My head's spinning LAUGHTER # .
.
Boy, I'm in a daze # I feel isolated I don't wanna communicate # I'll take a shower, I will scour Oh, yeah! # I will rub # To find peace of mind The happy mind I once owned THEY SING TOGETHER: # Yeah # Never ever have I ever felt so low # When you gonna take me out Of this black hole AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG # Never ever have I ever felt so sad The way I'm feeling, yeah You got me feeling really bad.
Woo! APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Apparently, this is not just a golden shower, but it's a massive shit on the back of my neck.
Yes! MUSIC: 'What About Now' by Westlife CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow, that is going to be tough to top.
That was amazing.
It was incredible, I can't believe it.
Wet dreams, birthday, Christmas, all rolled into one.
Can we top that? Let's find out.
It's Jonathan Ross! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS Are you excited? I'm very excited.
Nervous? Yeah, I'm a little bit nervous because I don't know what my secret skill will be.
OK, get out there.
Read off the monitor, and let's see what your secret skill is.
Oh LAUGHTER HE MAKES BABY CRYING NOISES Do you know what? I've just realised we're probably ahead on points, anyway LAUGHTER I mean, aren't we probably ahead on points, anyway.
I don't know, I don't know.
You can always do with a few more, I think.
We could do with more points? What the fuck are you?! LAUGHTER Read the monitor, Jonathan.
He's gonna perform his secret skill, and go for a world record, as well.
Don't fucking touch me LAUGHTER .
.
you dirty pervert.
Jonathan, you'll go on the klaxon.
Hold on, this has got Eamon Holmes' initials on it.
KLAXON SOUNDS There you go! SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS, AUDIENCE GROANS LAUGHTER AND GROANING SCREAMING SHOUTING Sorry, Rylan, I thought you wanted it.
I thought you wanted it.
The speed and pace Jonathan, you're going for a world record, speed it up! Sometimes, you've got to think about baby first SCREAMING AND GROANING Talc, talc.
OK, talc, talc.
SCREAMING AND LAUGHING Put that on there.
Clean! All right.
Get it out of here.
Get it out.
Sit down.
Get it down, you dirty HE MAKES BABY CRYING NOISES Ah.
All right, hold on.
Jesus I'd like to see the fucking womb you came out of.
LAUGHTER There you go.
Done.
He's done! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Done, baby.
Done.
Audience, should he get a golden shower? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Yes, it's a golden shower! Yeah! MUSIC: 'One Moment In Time' by Whitney Houston CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores, at the end of that round, are Sha-ting! 'Coming up, after the break.
' Not me She wrestles people.
Don't.
LAUGHTER Go on, Kate.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All to play for, in the final round.
It's the buzzer round! Buzz in, if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer, this week? 'Wibbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wib, wipp-eee.
' LAUGHTER Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Do you know what, you must eat so many lemons, 'cos you're so fucking bitter!' OK, first question.
What did Lily Allen claim she once walked in on James Blunt doing? BUZZER IMPERSONATES RYLAN: 'Oh, my God.
Drop me out.
' Um, having a wank over one of her album covers.
Ooh, it's close, but it's not correct.
Having sex with a groupie Having sex! That's correct.
Yes, Kate Nash.
APPLAUSE Who's this twat? 'Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.
' That's me! That's Holly's team, let's have a look.
RYLAN: 'Aw!' OK, who's this twat? 'Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.
' That's me! That's Holly's team, let's have a look.
LAUGHTER Ah-ha! Oh, yeah! I used to love that scooter.
Yes, it's Nicolas Cage from, the film, Ghost Rider.
LAUGHTER OK, point for Kate Nash, if she can recite any lyrics from Sid Owen's smash hit, Good Thing Going.
Rylan: 'Got a good thing going, a real, good thing going.
' Got a good thing going, a real, good thing going.
Yeah, yeah, point for your team.
APPLAUSE How long's that? Er, 18 years old.
Is that 18 years ago?! Bang! You look fucking tired, don't you? Well, I hadn't fucking slept since '88.
LAUGHTER Apparently, you told her.
Yeah, I did.
No! I've got take the point away.
No! That's what they're saying.
Not me.
She wrestles people.
Don't.
APPLAUSE Go on, Kate.
Give me my point! Give me my point back.
You can have your fucking point.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Point for the person who does the best impression of Rylan having an orgasm.
Oh, oh, don't! Oooh! LAUGHTER That's a point for Sid Owen.
APPLAUSE FEARNE: He was straight in there, no doubt.
'Do you know what, you must eat so many lemons, 'cos you're so fucking bitter!' HE BLEATS LAUGHTER Who wore it better Kate Nash or Rylan? LAUGHTER KLAXON: 'Roxanne Pallett.
' That's Fearne's team.
That's such a hard choice.
I'm sorry, Rylan, but we're gonna go Kate.
Aw.
Oh, no, the answer's Rylan.
Oh! APPLAUSE That's opinion, all right? Yes.
This is for everyone, but Sid.
Which of these shit outfits is being proudly worn by Sid Owen? 'Do you know what, you must eat so many lemons, 'cos you're so fucking bitter!' Fearne's team.
Can we say, all of them? Let's have a look.
That's correct! APPLAUSE JONATHAN: 'Look at you, there, a baby.
' Which two acting legends have we face-swapped, here? HOLLY: 'Who?' JONATHAN: Two acting KLAXON: 'Roxanne Pallett.
' That's Fearne's team.
LAUGHTER You did not just use that buzzer.
No, you did.
Is it Sid Owen and Dean Gaffney? Let's have a look.
SID: 'Yeah, you're right.
' Yes, it is.
KLAXON SOUNDS, APPLAUSE That's the end of the buzzer round, and that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is It's the first time, on the show Kate Nash, you haven't won, it was Holly's team! No! What?! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window.
Let's dance! MUSIC: 'Foundations' by Kate Nash CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bye-bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" 'But don't worry, it's just another overelaborate metaphor 'for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughboozy, 'firing space lasers from her massive tits.
'And there's Fearne Cotton, riding a giant, cock-shaped spaceship.
'There's Gino D'Acampo, still on fucking holiday.
'Here we are, taking a selfie.
'Online presence.
Phew! We made it to the studio, 'just in time for the best telly show, on the telly.
What is that 'telly show, on the telly? It's Celebrity Juice, on telly.
'Not in 3D, I fucking wish it was, though!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Look at him, look at him! Hurrah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Thursday, your weekend starts here, not on Friday, it's Thursday, it's Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
Holly, who's on your team? Well, on my right, he's the king of chat.
It's the one, and only, Jonathan Ross! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE To my left, he'll always be, "Rick-ey," to me.
It's Sid Owen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's the man with the best teeth in showbiz, it's Rylan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On my right, she's the coolest woman on the planet, it's Kate Nash! Aw! Yeah! You said, I must eat so many lemons, cos you're so bitter, it's Kate Nash! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know you've eaten a lot of lemons, but I hope you've got room for one more lemon, tonight Oh, God.
You know what I'm saying? That's a good one.
I'm a big fan of you, I've got all your albums on my telephone Do you? .
.
and I have one on CD format.
Aw! That's cool.
You do have a new album out, don't you? Yeah.
I think I've got it, here.
This is your first album in five years? Yeah.
Yesterday Was Forever.
Look at the front, those Babybels.
LAUGHTER So, you stopped music for a little bit, didn't you, cos you're in the Netflix smash, GLOW.
Yeah.
You're Rhonda, aren't ya? I'm Rhonda Richardson.
There you are.
There's Rhonda.
RYLAN: 'Go on, Kate Nash.
' What's the message of GLOW, for anyone who's not seen GLOW? It was a real show in the '80s, about these women who ended up being wrestlers on TV.
It was described as, like, spandex wrestling, glitter, and the '80s.
Have you not seen it, Rylan? I haven't yet, no.
You should watch it, it's good.
If it's spandex and glitter, I'm in.
I thought you would've loved it.
You'd sit there, dressed up in the outfits, watching it.
MIMICS RYLAN: Oh, here she is.
Here she is.
Here she is.
Sid, have you ever done any acting? No LAUGHTER I'm still working on it.
Rick-ey! It's Sid Owen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What you been up to? Nothing.
LAUGHTER You must have been up to something You've been on that show, didn't you, 100 Years Younger? Yeah, didn't do anything for me, did it? I think we've got a picture of you, before and after, let's look.
There's you before, looking slightly tired.
And here's afterwards.
You've got a suit on.
LAUGHTER Is it true that every morning, at 4am, you woke up with an erection? Yes.
Why, what was going on? I don't know, apparently, it's to do with testosterone.
Do you know the best way of getting rid of an erection? Knock one out.
Yeah.
Or just think of Fearne Cotton.
Yeah.
I was waiting for it.
It'll just flop down, like a balloon at New Year's Eve.
Some big news, apparently, you're out of retirement, you're acting again.
I am, but I've never been retired from acting.
I thought you retired? No.
No.
Oh.
No.
LAUGHTER Kept away from acting That's what I mean.
Not from telly and stuff, just not doing acting.
I didn't step away, it just meant, I haven't got any work.
LAUGHTER You're doing panto, aren't you? What are you in panto? I'm playing Captain Hook.
KATE: 'Classic!' The main role? Yeah.
Wicked.
Hopefully, I won't have to do too much.
OK.
LAUGHTER Wibbly, wobbly.
Wibbly, wobbly, it's Jonathan Ross.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 series, now, on ITV, of your show.
Yeah.
That's a clap.
13 series! APPLAUSE I'm as surprised as everybody else is.
You recently had a spot of problem with technology, haven't you? I don't think so.
With Siri? Oh, yeah.
Trying to put a message in I use Siri a lot, it's handy.
I had to call Radio 2, I recorded a show and I didn't want them to put it out the way I wanted to change it, not THAT show, and LAUGHTER And I said, "remind me, tomorrow, to call Radio 2.
" And the Siri actually wrote, "Remind me to call Wadey 02.
" I think we've got a picture.
There it is.
Look.
"Call Wadey O2.
" LAUGHTER Because of this, I thought I'd give you a chance to try and work out the technology of Siri.
Play a little, mini game That sounds good.
OK.
Let's play.
'Siwi versus Jonathan Woss The Speech-Off.
' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All you have to do is read out some sentences and, if Siri understands them, you get a point for your team.
OK.
Hello, Siri.
'Greetings, Keith.
' I'm not Keith.
LAUGHTER Fuck you, Siri.
LAUGHTER 'I don't know how to respond to that.
' Yeah.
LAUGHTER So, read one out? Yep.
All right.
CLEARS THROA Siri, take a note Yes! RYLAN: Ah, Robert.
Roasted Roberts! Try the next one.
Siri, take a note LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Let's see if you get the last one.
CLEARS THROA Siri, take a note FEARNE: 'Wow!' That's even worse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm afraid, no points, Jonathan.
What do you mean? The scores, at the end of that round, are Sha-ting! Rylan, hello.
It's Rylan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We've got big news.
Apparently, you've adopted someone.
Did Was I drunk? I heard that you've adopted Gok Wan.
Oh LAUGHTER I love Gok, he's lovely.
I think we've got a picture of you, taking him to work with you.
LAUGHTER FEARNE: 'Cute!' You doing the school run, here.
There he is.
Look at him, look.
So cute Look at him.
He loves it.
And here you are, giving him his nightly feed.
LAUGHTER He loves it.
I'd love to have tits like that.
Kate, Kate.
Yeah.
Onstage, you like smashing shit up, don't you? I do, sometimes.
Do you smash instruments up, and stuff? I don't, well, if it's my piano, I do.
Because you like smashing shit up, and you like doing wrestling now, we've come up with a game where we can utilise all your skills.
So, let's play MUSIC: 'Firestarter' by The Prodigy UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Hello, and welcome to Kate Nash, Smash My Shit Up! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The rules are simple.
You will enter the ring, where you will meet your opponent.
All you have to do is smash your opponent to smithereens! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You have an allotted time to do this.
If you do so, you win a point for your team.
First up, all the way from Harrow, she can piss bullets, she pretends to be a wrestler, but can she wrestle in real life? It's Kate Nash! # I am a warrior Well, I am the warrior.
APPLAUSE Let's see who your opponent is.
BOOING All the way from Jurassic Park, it's an inflatable T-Rex.
BOOING You're going down.
You go on the bell, you have an allotted time.
Are you ready? Let's go! BELL RINGS I'm gonna start with a bit of a classic.
CHEERING Ooh Headlock.
SHOUTING AND CHEERING RYLAN: 'That's it.
Get it, right in there.
' Hit me with your best shot.
LAUGHTER CHEERING Hit me with your best shot.
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING T-Rex, you BLEEP.
LAUGHTER Slam it! Hit me with your best shot.
KLAXON SOUNDS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah, fuck you, T-Rex! Fuck you! Come back here! Oh, where's she going with it? Oh! LAUGHTER Go on, Nash, smash it up! SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING Yes! Yeah! Oh, go on! Kate, the bell's gone.
Kate, the bell's gone.
Yeah, but I'm a bad guy.
LAUGHTER SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER Ah! Ah! Ah! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the winner is Kate Nash! I am a warrior Yes, Kate Nash! Next up, she's hell banked up with her cock, it's Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Ooh! APPLAUSE Yes! Fearne, your dick's hanging out.
LAUGHTER Get it in, get it in.
We can see your little onion.
Is that better? Are you ready? Let's see what your opponent is.
Quite nervous.
It's a vegetable quiche.
It's brought children to tears.
LAUGHTER What you gonna say to it, before you smash it to smithereens? LAUGHTER That was smooth.
LAUGHTER You little, '70s buffet bitch.
LAUGHTER You better watch out.
BELL RINGS There you go! Oh! Oh! She's bouncing SHOUTING AND CHEERING UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've smashed it.
Oh, fuck the tray.
KLAXON SOUNDS She ain't rotten, it's Fearne Cotton.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Next up, it's weally, weally furious, all the way from black-and-white times, it's Jonathan Ross.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHANTING: 'Wibbly, wibbly, wibbly.
' Oooh! LAUGHTER It's flossing.
OK, let's see what you're fighting.
GUITAR-BASED MUSIC PLAYS Ooh! This is gonna end badly.
It's been known to make fingers bleed, it's the dirty acoustic.
Eurgh, you filthy, little pig.
BOOING Tell him what for.
Tell him what for, before you fight.
Give it some shit.
Call yourself a guitar, more like a fucking ukulele! LAUGHTER You go on the bell.
BELL RINGS There it is! SHOUTING AND CHEERING CHEERING, ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SHOUTING AND LAUGHING GASPING AND SCREAMING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS KLAXON SOUNDS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the winner is Jonathan Ross! Yeah! LAUGHTER Was it bad? SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE And the scores, at the end of that round, are Sha-zing! Going to an ad break, now, we'll see you in three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Coming up, after the break' AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Now, on our first episode, I premiered my new idea.
It was for a game show called What Comes Down The Tube.
Now, apparently, ITV are really interested in it, but they just wanna see more of it.
So, we're gonna play it again.
So, let's play GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS '.
.
What's Come Down The Tube?!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE JONATHAN: 'Live, pre-recorded, 'from a studio in Elstree,' it's time for What's Come Down The Tube? 'Please, welcome your presenter for this evening, 'my really, really great friend, Mr Keith Lemon!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome to What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Tube? You know, I've still got a problem with that catchphrase.
Why? Because the audience say the word "the," and Yeah, they fucking love that word.
LAUGHTER What's Come Down Audience: The .
.
Tube? In this game, basically, I will put products down the tube.
Our panellists will have to guess what that product is.
They will be blindfolded.
If they guess it correctly, they'll win a point for their team.
In the show that is called, What Comes Down Audience: The .
.
Tube? First up, wibbly, wobbly, Jonathan Ross.
GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Disgusting.
Choose a number from the prize board.
OK, I'm gonna go for, I'm gonna go for, right in the middle, number five.
Number five.
It's It's some lovely bunnies.
CHEERING Some wabbits.
LAUGHTER Some wabbits, then a point for your team.
OK.
Are you ready? Yep.
Get on the love rug.
And I put this here? LAUGHTER For you guys, at home, if you're playing this, look away, because this is what I'm putting down.
This is what's coming down AUDIENCE: the .
.
tube! Tell me when I put my mouth over it.
And this.
AUDIENCE GROANS Hold on, I don't like that sound.
Here it comes.
LAUGHTER Wait a minute, wait a minute.
AUDIENCE GROANS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's a gherkin! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And what else? Coco Pops.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Rylan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS Rylan, have you ever been in this position before? LAUGHTER Not with you, you'd be so fucking lucky.
LAUGHTER Can you tell me when? You'll know when.
No, but I don't like surprises.
Eh! For you guys at home, this is what's going down.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! What? What? LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHTER INDISTINC AUDIENCE GROANS APPLAUSE So, Rylan, what came down AUDIENCE: the .
.
tube?! It tasted like minty cum.
LAUGHTER And we all know that minty cum is Mouthwash.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, my God! Rylan, it's like we've kissed.
LAUGHTER That brings us to another end of What's Come Down AUDIENCE: The .
.
Tube! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE 'What's Come Down The Tube?!' Sid, in the industry, you're a triple threat, aren't you? Because you can act, you can sing .
.
and you can dance.
But have you got any more secret skills that we don't know about? AUDIENCE CHUCKLES Well, let's find out, as we play 'UK & Eire's Got Even More Secret Skills.
' APPLAUSE Hello, I am your host, Keith Lemon, and welcome to UK & Eire's Got More Secret Skills.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In this round, our panellists will come up onto the stage and perform a secret skill.
It's so secret, not even they know what their secret skill is.
They'll be reading it off the monitor.
If our special adjudicators believe that they do have secret skills, they win a point for their team.
First up, it's Rylan, Jonathan, and Sid! GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, would you say that this is your last chance Oh, absolutely.
It's their last chance.
LAUGHTER So, you'd go alone? Yeah, I would definitely go solo.
Good luck with that, you fucking freak.
LAUGHTER OK, well, good luck, tonight, I hope you really do have secret skills.
Let's do this! Have a look at the monitor, let's see what it is.
This is our moment.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, play the track.
MUSIC: 'Wuthering Heights' by Kate Bush # Out of the wiley, windy moors # We'd roll and fall in green # You had a temper, like my jealousy # Too hot, too greedy # How could you leave me When I needed to possess you # I hated you.
I loved you, too # Bad dreams in the night # They told me I was going To lose the fight # Leave behind my Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering # Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy THEY SING TOGETHER: # I've come home.
I'm so cold Let me in your window MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY Woah! APPLAUSE Not gonna believe this.
What? It's a golden shower! Yeah! MUSIC: 'Wuthering Heights' by Kate Bush CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, next up, it is It's Holly Willoughboozy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS Let's see what skills you don't know you've got.
OK.
Get out there.
OK, read off the monitor.
Here's Holly Willoughby! APPLAUSE AUDIENCE GROANS I can actually do this.
So, right, you get a cocktail stick Do not try this at home.
So, it's going It's going in.
What?! Holly Willoughby, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've got to pull it out.
Not with your mouth! I'm not my hands are full.
AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Where does it go? Holly Willoughby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up, it's Kate Nash, Holly, and Fearne! GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've a feeling I know what's coming here.
I like it when we get a girl band.
I'm assuming you're a girl band, aren't you? Well, girl, boy, band.
LAUGHTER You're the boy.
How big's your willy? Well, that's not really relevant to this No, it's not.
So, stop bragging about it, yeah? Really looking forward to seeing what your secret skill is.
Get out there, do your best, and let's hope that your dream comes true.
LAUGHTER Ah, yes! Love the All Saints.
HOLLY: 'Tune!' You ready? Ready for the track? I'm gonna give it all my best.
# A few questions that I need to know Yes! # How you could ever hurt me so # I need to know What I've done wrong # And how long it's been going on # My head's spinning LAUGHTER # .
.
Boy, I'm in a daze # I feel isolated I don't wanna communicate # I'll take a shower, I will scour Oh, yeah! # I will rub # To find peace of mind The happy mind I once owned THEY SING TOGETHER: # Yeah # Never ever have I ever felt so low # When you gonna take me out Of this black hole AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG # Never ever have I ever felt so sad The way I'm feeling, yeah You got me feeling really bad.
Woo! APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Apparently, this is not just a golden shower, but it's a massive shit on the back of my neck.
Yes! MUSIC: 'What About Now' by Westlife CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow, that is going to be tough to top.
That was amazing.
It was incredible, I can't believe it.
Wet dreams, birthday, Christmas, all rolled into one.
Can we top that? Let's find out.
It's Jonathan Ross! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, GAMESHOW MUSIC PLAYS Are you excited? I'm very excited.
Nervous? Yeah, I'm a little bit nervous because I don't know what my secret skill will be.
OK, get out there.
Read off the monitor, and let's see what your secret skill is.
Oh LAUGHTER HE MAKES BABY CRYING NOISES Do you know what? I've just realised we're probably ahead on points, anyway LAUGHTER I mean, aren't we probably ahead on points, anyway.
I don't know, I don't know.
You can always do with a few more, I think.
We could do with more points? What the fuck are you?! LAUGHTER Read the monitor, Jonathan.
He's gonna perform his secret skill, and go for a world record, as well.
Don't fucking touch me LAUGHTER .
.
you dirty pervert.
Jonathan, you'll go on the klaxon.
Hold on, this has got Eamon Holmes' initials on it.
KLAXON SOUNDS There you go! SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS, AUDIENCE GROANS LAUGHTER AND GROANING SCREAMING SHOUTING Sorry, Rylan, I thought you wanted it.
I thought you wanted it.
The speed and pace Jonathan, you're going for a world record, speed it up! Sometimes, you've got to think about baby first SCREAMING AND GROANING Talc, talc.
OK, talc, talc.
SCREAMING AND LAUGHING Put that on there.
Clean! All right.
Get it out of here.
Get it out.
Sit down.
Get it down, you dirty HE MAKES BABY CRYING NOISES Ah.
All right, hold on.
Jesus I'd like to see the fucking womb you came out of.
LAUGHTER There you go.
Done.
He's done! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Done, baby.
Done.
Audience, should he get a golden shower? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Yes, it's a golden shower! Yeah! MUSIC: 'One Moment In Time' by Whitney Houston CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores, at the end of that round, are Sha-ting! 'Coming up, after the break.
' Not me She wrestles people.
Don't.
LAUGHTER Go on, Kate.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All to play for, in the final round.
It's the buzzer round! Buzz in, if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer, this week? 'Wibbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wib, wipp-eee.
' LAUGHTER Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Do you know what, you must eat so many lemons, 'cos you're so fucking bitter!' OK, first question.
What did Lily Allen claim she once walked in on James Blunt doing? BUZZER IMPERSONATES RYLAN: 'Oh, my God.
Drop me out.
' Um, having a wank over one of her album covers.
Ooh, it's close, but it's not correct.
Having sex with a groupie Having sex! That's correct.
Yes, Kate Nash.
APPLAUSE Who's this twat? 'Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.
' That's me! That's Holly's team, let's have a look.
RYLAN: 'Aw!' OK, who's this twat? 'Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.
' That's me! That's Holly's team, let's have a look.
LAUGHTER Ah-ha! Oh, yeah! I used to love that scooter.
Yes, it's Nicolas Cage from, the film, Ghost Rider.
LAUGHTER OK, point for Kate Nash, if she can recite any lyrics from Sid Owen's smash hit, Good Thing Going.
Rylan: 'Got a good thing going, a real, good thing going.
' Got a good thing going, a real, good thing going.
Yeah, yeah, point for your team.
APPLAUSE How long's that? Er, 18 years old.
Is that 18 years ago?! Bang! You look fucking tired, don't you? Well, I hadn't fucking slept since '88.
LAUGHTER Apparently, you told her.
Yeah, I did.
No! I've got take the point away.
No! That's what they're saying.
Not me.
She wrestles people.
Don't.
APPLAUSE Go on, Kate.
Give me my point! Give me my point back.
You can have your fucking point.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Point for the person who does the best impression of Rylan having an orgasm.
Oh, oh, don't! Oooh! LAUGHTER That's a point for Sid Owen.
APPLAUSE FEARNE: He was straight in there, no doubt.
'Do you know what, you must eat so many lemons, 'cos you're so fucking bitter!' HE BLEATS LAUGHTER Who wore it better Kate Nash or Rylan? LAUGHTER KLAXON: 'Roxanne Pallett.
' That's Fearne's team.
That's such a hard choice.
I'm sorry, Rylan, but we're gonna go Kate.
Aw.
Oh, no, the answer's Rylan.
Oh! APPLAUSE That's opinion, all right? Yes.
This is for everyone, but Sid.
Which of these shit outfits is being proudly worn by Sid Owen? 'Do you know what, you must eat so many lemons, 'cos you're so fucking bitter!' Fearne's team.
Can we say, all of them? Let's have a look.
That's correct! APPLAUSE JONATHAN: 'Look at you, there, a baby.
' Which two acting legends have we face-swapped, here? HOLLY: 'Who?' JONATHAN: Two acting KLAXON: 'Roxanne Pallett.
' That's Fearne's team.
LAUGHTER You did not just use that buzzer.
No, you did.
Is it Sid Owen and Dean Gaffney? Let's have a look.
SID: 'Yeah, you're right.
' Yes, it is.
KLAXON SOUNDS, APPLAUSE That's the end of the buzzer round, and that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is It's the first time, on the show Kate Nash, you haven't won, it was Holly's team! No! What?! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window.
Let's dance! MUSIC: 'Foundations' by Kate Nash CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bye-bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE