Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s03e17 Episode Script
Kevin Smith Wears a Hockey Jersey & Jean Shorts
1 Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to, well, me.
All right, remember to act surprised.
Oh, my gosh, you remembered.
Yikes.
I think I'm gonna stick to keyboards from now on.
Remember what? Where da party at? Party? Oh, my God, you forgot.
A guy only turns 28 once in his life, and he can't even count upon his professional acquaintances to remember to celebrate.
Scott, we we didn't forget your birthday.
I mean, look at this birthday cake, you know? And this, uh, birthday hat.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
You remembered.
Thanks, Reg.
Go ahead and blow it out.
Oh, sure.
Eh.
What'd you wish for? Same thing I wish for every year.
Well, this year, that wish is coming true, right guys? Oh, my God, you got my favorite musician to play on the show? Yeah, yeah.
Stevie Wonder is playing on the show? Uhhuh.
And he's playing my favorite song? Yes.
Are you gonna tell me what the song is in the form of a question? The love theme fromMulan? Yes, that's it.
Wow, the blind, piano-playing man.
I can't believe it.
This is gonna be the best birthday ever.
Well, that went well.
You said we booked Stevie Wonder.
Yeah, shouldn't be too hard.
We have until the end of the show.
That's, like, 25 minutes.
Holy cra It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! I hope.
# Comedy Bang! Bang! # - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- # Comedy Bang! Bang! # Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh Hey there, welcome toComedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Kevin Smith is here as well as college student, Whitney Peeps.
I'm Scott Aukerman, and uh, is it hot in here, or is just the warm feeling one gets when surrounded by well-wishers on their special day? Oh, and speaking of well-wishers, and one who remembered my special day, let's say hello to my best friend, Reggie Watts.
Happy Birthday to Scott Happy Birthday to Scott birthdays are for people and sometimes they're for Scott Reggie, I'm so touched.
Thank you so much.
But hey, no more singing because I don't want to exhaust my aural nerve before Stevie Wonder gets out here.
Am I right? Oh, by the way, Reg, you'll see on your keyboard there, there's a Scott's memorial birthday ribbon.
It's got a picture of Stevie Wonder and I.
I made it myself.
Hey, is this a rusty nail on the back of this? Yeah, I was in a rush, so I pulled one out of the floor.
Pin it to yourself.
Ow.
- Ah! - Harder.
Sorry, I was hitting my collar bone.
Just move it down a few inches.
Ugh.
There goes my lung.
All right, Reg, we'll check back with you later.
It's time to get to our first guest.
We all know Seven minutes in heaven.
Well, it's time to spend seven minutes in Kevin, and not in Kevin, with Kevin, and it probably will be more or less than seven minutes.
Let's welcome Kevin Smith.
- Hi.
- Hey, man.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hey, Reg.
Please, have a seat.
What if it was seven minutes of just on my leg? Oh, I wouldn't mind that at all.
- Right? - Neither would I 'cause it's not - a committal thing, right? - No, not at all.
- You can put it on my leg.
- I don't care.
- Do you mean the camera? - Yeah.
So you're a guy who takes the pillow and puts it in your lap.
Right here because number one, a lot of people think it's 'cause of the gut, but really I'm afraid of erections.
I've been doing this since school, since high school, so this is how I comfortably sit.
When you say you're afraid of erections, do you mean Chinese elections? Yes, because I I like to try to keep it tasteful.
Sometimes I slip, make jokes like that, but I come from a different age where it was okay.
It's okay to do stuff like that.
Yeah, yeah, you used words to talk about people that weren't like you and stuff.
Mmhmm.
Like, people like Reggie.
- Yeah, like musicians.
- No.
So Kevin, thank you so much for coming.
- Thanks for having me, man.
- Appreciate it.
Yeah, it's my birthday.
I'm really excited to have you.
Oh, my God, Happy Birthday, man.
Many candles to you, sir, as they say.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- You must be so excited.
I'm so excited first of all because Reggie over here surprised me, and he got my favorite musician on the show tonight.
- Get out of here.
- Bruce Willis? Uh, no, not my favorite harmonica player.
My favorite musician and my second favorite harmonica player, Stevie Wonder.
Oh, he's good too, man.
Stevie Wonder, the blind, piano-playing man.
I just love that song he recorded many moons ago, I Just Called to Say I Love You.
Huh? So Kevin, your first film was Clerks.
Yes.
Now, why would you call your film what madea calls clocks? This is the reason.
I've never talked about it anywhere else, so this is what they call an exclusive.
- Exclusie.
- I had an uncle from England, as Bob's your uncle, and he told me that they called convenience store clerks over there.
"Clarks," so that's what I tried to name it.
However, there was a Clarks, and it turns out it was convenience store pornography.
Went away fast 'cause nobody wants to see bodily fluids mixing with bleep and cigarettes.
- Yeah.
- So I said "peanuts.
" Hey, censors, Kevin said "peanuts.
" And peanuts is a clinical term.
I just want to point out.
You're talking about bleep though, right? I was talking about Charlie Brown.
- Oh.
- So Kevin, I've seen your show, Comic Book Men.
You fancy yourself to be a bit of a comic book expert, I presume? You're a fancy comic book expert I assume.
Thank you so much.
Now, I have a very rare comic book in my possession, and I was kind of wondering what it was worth, so I could use a little extra piece of your expertise.
Well, now we're talking, Scott.
I would like to cut you off a slice of my expertise.
It is a very rare, first edition.
It's called The Adventures of Scotty Man, and it's about a man, Scott Aukerman, who's a talk show host by day.
By night, he's a superhero, and he rides around on his trusty steed, pretty pony.
Well, for starters, why wouldn't you just call it "the adventures of Aukerman," 'cause come to think of it, that would have been a better choice, but hey, tell me what it's worth.
A million dollars? A zillion dollars? Um, let me see.
There's a special set of grading measures that a pro has to go through in order to everything looks fine with the spine.
There's no creasing.
Definitely pretty near-mint condition.
I mean, I guess my final judgment, Scott, is this this is a piece of shit, man.
Like, this ain't even a comic book.
Who are you kidding? Like, I think on your best day, man, maybe, maybe, you could pay somebody 150 bucks to, like, throw it in the garbage can, but other than that I mean, if that's your best offer, I will take it.
150 to you, there you go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Um pleasure doing business with you.
- Hey.
- Oh, bleep! I've got a comic book too.
It's called Reggie Rich.
It's about a really small kid who's got tons and tons of money.
And he gets into all kinds of troubles.
Is that a Reggie Richoriginal? Reggie Rich has been out of print for decades, man! You know what a lucky day this is for all you know what? Reggie, I have $150 says that you will give me that comic book.
I certainly will.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
Pleasure doing business with you.
That wasn't fair.
Pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow.
You got one job.
You done with that? I'm gonna bag and board it later, but meantime, I'm gonna put it right there.
Don't ever touch it.
All right, well, so Kevin, I have to ask you, Yeah? - So Kevin - You know what, Mr.
Aukerman, I'm gonna cut you off right there.
I actually did know that it was your birthday today, and I made preparations.
In fact, I call them "preparations h," for Happy Birthday.
So what I did was collect all of my favorite animals in your very own, not so evil, petting zoo.
Oh, my God, I was wondering what was going on over there during the show.
Bring out the donkey! - Whoa! - Look at that! Look at this.
What a piece of ass.
Am I right? Oh, Kevin, now that obviously is a donkey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, look at that.
Okay, bring out the next animal.
- What is that? - That's another donkey? - Don't be an idiot.
- That's a mule.
Oh, I didn't know.
It's it's nice though.
- Thanks.
- Same color as the donkey.
Bring out another one.
He's not happy with the mule.
- I'm sorry, I don't - It's all right.
It's all right.
You know, it's your day.
Now, look at this.
- A third donkey? - All right, now, that's a bleep stripe-less zebra, Scott.
Why doesn't it have stripes? Because he hasn't earned them yet, you know? He didn't save anybody's bleep life.
The moment he actually steps up and commits an act of uncommon valor, he can have his stripes.
Until then what's next? I'd love to see another animal.
Okay, so what is that one? Are you bleep me? That's the first donkey that we brought out.
You know what, I don't want to get in a fight.
Let's just go get our pet on.
Okay, my pleasure.
Birthday mule birthday mule I got you a birthday mule We'll be right back.
I tried to get you a girl, but all they had was the dude.
26, 27, 28.
Ooh, Reg, boy, thanks for the birthday spankings.
Oh, hey, how about one to grow on? And one to grow on.
How about one for health, one for wealth, and one for prosperity.
Wealth, health, prosperity.
And now, how about a pinch to grow an inch? Scott, you're a 28-year-old man.
You're not gonna grow any more.
Don't ruin my birthday! Ow! Now, how about tan my hide if you're on my side? One, two, three, four.
You know, Scott, I'm always on your side.
I'm your best friend, remember? - All right.
- All right.
Jeez.
Oh, I did forget one.
A wallop, a belt, and a whack to get the IRS off my back.
Are you sure? Reggie, I can't get audited this year.
You know how much tax fraud I commit.
Ooh! Thanks, Reg.
Oh, I almost forgot, a few more spanks to show your thanks? No! And she goes, "well, you have no bleep," and I was like, "all right, mom.
" - What a grouch.
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Kevin Smith, and college student Whitney Peeps will be out here in just a second, and Kevin, this is the part of the show where Reggie likes to ask a question, so Reggie, what do you got? Do you have Stevie Wonder's phone number? Uh, no.
No, I don't have Stevie Wonder's phone number.
I think you'd probably have to get it from, like, his manager or something like that.
Do you have Stevie Wonder's manager's phone number? No, Reggie, not anymore.
You know what, man? Like, I'm the guest.
Why don't you just, like, look it up in a phone book or something like that? Do you have a phone book? Yeah.
- Burb.
- Brb.
- B-r-b.
- B-r-b.
B-r all right.
Talk to me.
Uh, yes, my name is Reggie Watts, and um, I promised my friend, Scott Aukerman, that I'd be able to get Stevie Wonder on the show, and I was wondering could he be here in five minutes? Ooh, Reggie, baby, bummer break.
I actually don't rep the blind, piano-playing man anymore.
I'll tell you what, though, I do represent Bruce Springsteen.
What do you say we give him a call? - Well, all right.
- Okay.
Excellent.
Talk to me.
Bruce, my new acquaintance, Reggie, is in a pickle.
He wasn't able to book Stevie Wonder for his show, and he's got a question for you.
- Sure.
- Shoot.
Yeah, uh, Mr.
Springsteen, I was wondering, do you happen to have Stevie Wonder's number? Oh yeah, I got that.
But I can't read my address book right now.
You see, I'm # dancing in the dark # But if it's all right with you, give me three to five minutes to get over there, and the boss will do that show himself.
No thanks.
Who the heck is "the boss?" Alfie Gaye, you lost another one.
B.
Br-b.
Hey, Reg, everything all right with Stevie? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just had to make sure that he had enough braille.
All right, we'll be right back with more Kevin Smith and college student, Whitney Peeps.
Come on back.
All wet and weird, and stuff like that.
But I ate it anyway 'cause whatever, you know? - Frogs are like that.
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Kevin Smith, and Stevie Wonder is gonna be out here in just a second, but let's get to our next guest.
She is nationally recognized for her volunteer work.
- Ooh.
- Please welcome Whitney Peeps.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you doing? - So nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, please have a seat.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the show.
- Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for having me.
Whitney, you're a college student.
- Yes.
- Yes, fantastic, and I go to Brigham Young.
What is your field of study? English.
And in the intro it said you're nationally recognized - for your volunteer work.
- Yeah.
How did you sort of spark a love of volunteer work? I noticed a sign in my cafeteria that said if you volunteer at the soup kitchen, you'll be entered in a raffle, and the winner gets to go to Hawaii, so I entered, and I volunteered, and I won.
- Oh, my God, that is so, - You won the raffle.
Like, incredibly self-serving of you.
- Thank you Yeah.
- That's amazing.
So you ended up winning the trip to Hawaii? I did, so it was really worth it to, like, spend my time helping the poor.
But winning that contest it seemed sparked a love that has carried you on.
You must be doing further volunteer work.
Yes, any time that a prize or cash is offered to do something, I'm willing to volunteer.
But only when there's a prize? Most definitely.
How often do you win prizes? Well, that's the thing, I keep winning, and I won't stop.
- So you're a winner.
- Yes.
What is that like? - It feels really good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know what that feels like either.
- No, I'm the other guy.
- Loser.
- bleep You.
- Oh.
Wait, so how are you winning all the time? Are are you you're not contacting the people who run these contests, are you? Yes, I will contact them, and just have an interaction with them, um, of some sort of physical nature which then leads to a cash or prize exchange.
- You know, I've heard - Yes, Kevin? - Cover your - Okay.
I think she's, like, Doing stuff for the prizes? She's, like, got a telescope and adjusting it? Opening it up.
She's working a pepper grinder for the prizes.
Uh, it's okay, you can listen now.
You know, I've heard stories like this before, but never with charities involved.
Usually with cash.
Wait, what are some of the prizes you've received? Well, it's pretty amazing.
Most of them involve trips, um, outfits, jewelry, jewels.
Yeah, but you're giving bloppy-j's.
Excuse me? You're giving hammer-jammers.
You don't know what I do when I get there when I get to the home of the person running these volunteer contests.
What exactly is it? It's a Jamaica meat pie.
That's my special move.
Thank God I got this pillow on my lap is all I'm saying.
I really hesitate to ask, but what is a Jamaican meat pie? If you really want to know, it's when two people who really love each other kiss, and hold each other close, and fall asleep whispering to each other about how much they love each other.
That sounds kind of sweet.
Maybe you shouldn't have judged me so quickly.
Can I ask this though? Does it stop there? - Mm-mm.
- What happens after that? Blammer-jammers and hammer-jammers.
- Wow.
- Well, um, you know, I I have to say that I brought you out here to talk about your volunteer work, but do you even do the volunteer work? I did that one time.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna guess you do this program in order to get things for yourself.
Yes, I get paid a salary to talk to people like you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you shitting me? You don't get paid to do what you do? No.
You do it for the love of the art? Of course.
That's gorgeous.
You're paid, Scott Aukerman? Look, everyone's paid to do work, right? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Reggie, you paid? Nope.
Well, that's an oversight, I'm sure.
I'm so mad that I would throw this pillow on the ground if I didn't need to keep it right here - for the whole show.
- What's under there? - Don't don't - Hammer-jammer.
Under where? You're probably right.
So what are your plans for the future? - I mean - I mean, I feel like in the future, like, my main goals are to graduate, get a house, live there with all my friends, go in a swimming pool, die in a swimming pool.
- Die in a swimming pool? - Why? Yeah, I just think it'd be a beautiful way to die with my hair floating all around my body.
How many years after you get the swimming pool do you hope to die in one? Shortly.
- Shortly? - Why? I just here's the thing.
Like, I think I've discovered everything that's great about life, and I've already achieved it all.
Like, I'm ready to pass away now.
Are you saying you're suicidal? I'm just saying I know what I want, and I'll get it, and what I want is to be in heaven forever.
- Hmm.
- That sounds awesome.
Look, Whitney, I really think you need counseling.
- Thank you.
- Certainly not from me, but from someone.
That's not a compliment.
- Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.
It's not even funny.
Will you counsel me? See, this is exactly what's starting to happen.
This is the kind of thing that you put - the shoulder thing - Counsel me.
The shoulder thing doesn't work on counsel me.
The talking like a baby thing doesn't - waa-aa.
Hold me.
- All right.
Look, we can set up a session.
- Okay.
- All right.
We'll be right back with more Whitney Peeps, more Kevin Smith, and Stevie Wonder after this.
Just call my office.
- We'll set something up.
- Okay.
Let's go right now.
Move your shoulders like that again.
That's why I can't be in small spaces anymore.
Oh, boy.
Hey, I want to thank our guests, Kevin Smith and Whitney Peeps, but we have one final guest to get to.
It's the one we're all waiting for.
He's a musical genius.
Please welcome Stevie Wond hey, hey, Scott.
- Reggie? - Yeah, this thing about Stevie Wonder oh, uh, what's going on with Stevie? Of course he's here.
He just wants you to wear this blindfold.
Why? Uh, because of the blind thing.
He's really sensitive about it, and he wants to level the playing field.
You know, standard procedure Stevie Wonder stuff, so oh, okay, well, I mean, yeah, if it makes Mr.
Wonder more comfortable about playing the love theme from Mulan, then by all means.
You can do this.
Stevie? Are you there? Scott, over here.
Stevie Wonder, this is so exciting.
Thank you so much for coming.
I I know you don't do many comedy shows.
Oh, right, I forgot.
You did Hee-haw.
Well, anyway, why don't you take it away? You and me together don't it feel so right we can't wait forever so baby, let's make it tonight it's gonna be a party should be out of sight so why don't we get started so baby, let's make it tonight come on, let's make it tonight Ah, short but sweet.
The love theme from Mulan just as I vaguely remember it.
Stevie, it's been a thrill.
If I may, I would love to pin this birthday pin to you.
Reggie, what's going on? You know, I'm I'm gonna have to come clean, Scott.
That's not Stevie Wonder.
That's that's a donkey.
What? I just wanted to give you the best birthday that you'd ever hoped, or imagined, or wished for.
Aw.
Reggie, you don't have to lie to give me a great 28th birthday.
No, you just have to give me a slightly more expensive gift than the one that you gave me last year, one equitable to three months of your salary.
No, the true joy that I have in coming to this show is working with people like you, and having great guests on like Kevin here, and well, like Kevin.
Why don't we sing a song for Scott, one truly worthy of this birthday champion before us.
Yeah.
Happy Birthday dear Scott Happy Birthday all you want # you were born once and it's the day when we remember you were born and we cherish Guys, that was Horrible.
- Thank you.
- Not a compliment.
Donkey.
Come on, let's make it tonight The wolf dead.
Absolutely.
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to, well, me.
All right, remember to act surprised.
Oh, my gosh, you remembered.
Yikes.
I think I'm gonna stick to keyboards from now on.
Remember what? Where da party at? Party? Oh, my God, you forgot.
A guy only turns 28 once in his life, and he can't even count upon his professional acquaintances to remember to celebrate.
Scott, we we didn't forget your birthday.
I mean, look at this birthday cake, you know? And this, uh, birthday hat.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
You remembered.
Thanks, Reg.
Go ahead and blow it out.
Oh, sure.
Eh.
What'd you wish for? Same thing I wish for every year.
Well, this year, that wish is coming true, right guys? Oh, my God, you got my favorite musician to play on the show? Yeah, yeah.
Stevie Wonder is playing on the show? Uhhuh.
And he's playing my favorite song? Yes.
Are you gonna tell me what the song is in the form of a question? The love theme fromMulan? Yes, that's it.
Wow, the blind, piano-playing man.
I can't believe it.
This is gonna be the best birthday ever.
Well, that went well.
You said we booked Stevie Wonder.
Yeah, shouldn't be too hard.
We have until the end of the show.
That's, like, 25 minutes.
Holy cra It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! I hope.
# Comedy Bang! Bang! # - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- # Comedy Bang! Bang! # Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh Hey there, welcome toComedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Kevin Smith is here as well as college student, Whitney Peeps.
I'm Scott Aukerman, and uh, is it hot in here, or is just the warm feeling one gets when surrounded by well-wishers on their special day? Oh, and speaking of well-wishers, and one who remembered my special day, let's say hello to my best friend, Reggie Watts.
Happy Birthday to Scott Happy Birthday to Scott birthdays are for people and sometimes they're for Scott Reggie, I'm so touched.
Thank you so much.
But hey, no more singing because I don't want to exhaust my aural nerve before Stevie Wonder gets out here.
Am I right? Oh, by the way, Reg, you'll see on your keyboard there, there's a Scott's memorial birthday ribbon.
It's got a picture of Stevie Wonder and I.
I made it myself.
Hey, is this a rusty nail on the back of this? Yeah, I was in a rush, so I pulled one out of the floor.
Pin it to yourself.
Ow.
- Ah! - Harder.
Sorry, I was hitting my collar bone.
Just move it down a few inches.
Ugh.
There goes my lung.
All right, Reg, we'll check back with you later.
It's time to get to our first guest.
We all know Seven minutes in heaven.
Well, it's time to spend seven minutes in Kevin, and not in Kevin, with Kevin, and it probably will be more or less than seven minutes.
Let's welcome Kevin Smith.
- Hi.
- Hey, man.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hey, Reg.
Please, have a seat.
What if it was seven minutes of just on my leg? Oh, I wouldn't mind that at all.
- Right? - Neither would I 'cause it's not - a committal thing, right? - No, not at all.
- You can put it on my leg.
- I don't care.
- Do you mean the camera? - Yeah.
So you're a guy who takes the pillow and puts it in your lap.
Right here because number one, a lot of people think it's 'cause of the gut, but really I'm afraid of erections.
I've been doing this since school, since high school, so this is how I comfortably sit.
When you say you're afraid of erections, do you mean Chinese elections? Yes, because I I like to try to keep it tasteful.
Sometimes I slip, make jokes like that, but I come from a different age where it was okay.
It's okay to do stuff like that.
Yeah, yeah, you used words to talk about people that weren't like you and stuff.
Mmhmm.
Like, people like Reggie.
- Yeah, like musicians.
- No.
So Kevin, thank you so much for coming.
- Thanks for having me, man.
- Appreciate it.
Yeah, it's my birthday.
I'm really excited to have you.
Oh, my God, Happy Birthday, man.
Many candles to you, sir, as they say.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- You must be so excited.
I'm so excited first of all because Reggie over here surprised me, and he got my favorite musician on the show tonight.
- Get out of here.
- Bruce Willis? Uh, no, not my favorite harmonica player.
My favorite musician and my second favorite harmonica player, Stevie Wonder.
Oh, he's good too, man.
Stevie Wonder, the blind, piano-playing man.
I just love that song he recorded many moons ago, I Just Called to Say I Love You.
Huh? So Kevin, your first film was Clerks.
Yes.
Now, why would you call your film what madea calls clocks? This is the reason.
I've never talked about it anywhere else, so this is what they call an exclusive.
- Exclusie.
- I had an uncle from England, as Bob's your uncle, and he told me that they called convenience store clerks over there.
"Clarks," so that's what I tried to name it.
However, there was a Clarks, and it turns out it was convenience store pornography.
Went away fast 'cause nobody wants to see bodily fluids mixing with bleep and cigarettes.
- Yeah.
- So I said "peanuts.
" Hey, censors, Kevin said "peanuts.
" And peanuts is a clinical term.
I just want to point out.
You're talking about bleep though, right? I was talking about Charlie Brown.
- Oh.
- So Kevin, I've seen your show, Comic Book Men.
You fancy yourself to be a bit of a comic book expert, I presume? You're a fancy comic book expert I assume.
Thank you so much.
Now, I have a very rare comic book in my possession, and I was kind of wondering what it was worth, so I could use a little extra piece of your expertise.
Well, now we're talking, Scott.
I would like to cut you off a slice of my expertise.
It is a very rare, first edition.
It's called The Adventures of Scotty Man, and it's about a man, Scott Aukerman, who's a talk show host by day.
By night, he's a superhero, and he rides around on his trusty steed, pretty pony.
Well, for starters, why wouldn't you just call it "the adventures of Aukerman," 'cause come to think of it, that would have been a better choice, but hey, tell me what it's worth.
A million dollars? A zillion dollars? Um, let me see.
There's a special set of grading measures that a pro has to go through in order to everything looks fine with the spine.
There's no creasing.
Definitely pretty near-mint condition.
I mean, I guess my final judgment, Scott, is this this is a piece of shit, man.
Like, this ain't even a comic book.
Who are you kidding? Like, I think on your best day, man, maybe, maybe, you could pay somebody 150 bucks to, like, throw it in the garbage can, but other than that I mean, if that's your best offer, I will take it.
150 to you, there you go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Um pleasure doing business with you.
- Hey.
- Oh, bleep! I've got a comic book too.
It's called Reggie Rich.
It's about a really small kid who's got tons and tons of money.
And he gets into all kinds of troubles.
Is that a Reggie Richoriginal? Reggie Rich has been out of print for decades, man! You know what a lucky day this is for all you know what? Reggie, I have $150 says that you will give me that comic book.
I certainly will.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
Pleasure doing business with you.
That wasn't fair.
Pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow.
You got one job.
You done with that? I'm gonna bag and board it later, but meantime, I'm gonna put it right there.
Don't ever touch it.
All right, well, so Kevin, I have to ask you, Yeah? - So Kevin - You know what, Mr.
Aukerman, I'm gonna cut you off right there.
I actually did know that it was your birthday today, and I made preparations.
In fact, I call them "preparations h," for Happy Birthday.
So what I did was collect all of my favorite animals in your very own, not so evil, petting zoo.
Oh, my God, I was wondering what was going on over there during the show.
Bring out the donkey! - Whoa! - Look at that! Look at this.
What a piece of ass.
Am I right? Oh, Kevin, now that obviously is a donkey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, look at that.
Okay, bring out the next animal.
- What is that? - That's another donkey? - Don't be an idiot.
- That's a mule.
Oh, I didn't know.
It's it's nice though.
- Thanks.
- Same color as the donkey.
Bring out another one.
He's not happy with the mule.
- I'm sorry, I don't - It's all right.
It's all right.
You know, it's your day.
Now, look at this.
- A third donkey? - All right, now, that's a bleep stripe-less zebra, Scott.
Why doesn't it have stripes? Because he hasn't earned them yet, you know? He didn't save anybody's bleep life.
The moment he actually steps up and commits an act of uncommon valor, he can have his stripes.
Until then what's next? I'd love to see another animal.
Okay, so what is that one? Are you bleep me? That's the first donkey that we brought out.
You know what, I don't want to get in a fight.
Let's just go get our pet on.
Okay, my pleasure.
Birthday mule birthday mule I got you a birthday mule We'll be right back.
I tried to get you a girl, but all they had was the dude.
26, 27, 28.
Ooh, Reg, boy, thanks for the birthday spankings.
Oh, hey, how about one to grow on? And one to grow on.
How about one for health, one for wealth, and one for prosperity.
Wealth, health, prosperity.
And now, how about a pinch to grow an inch? Scott, you're a 28-year-old man.
You're not gonna grow any more.
Don't ruin my birthday! Ow! Now, how about tan my hide if you're on my side? One, two, three, four.
You know, Scott, I'm always on your side.
I'm your best friend, remember? - All right.
- All right.
Jeez.
Oh, I did forget one.
A wallop, a belt, and a whack to get the IRS off my back.
Are you sure? Reggie, I can't get audited this year.
You know how much tax fraud I commit.
Ooh! Thanks, Reg.
Oh, I almost forgot, a few more spanks to show your thanks? No! And she goes, "well, you have no bleep," and I was like, "all right, mom.
" - What a grouch.
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Kevin Smith, and college student Whitney Peeps will be out here in just a second, and Kevin, this is the part of the show where Reggie likes to ask a question, so Reggie, what do you got? Do you have Stevie Wonder's phone number? Uh, no.
No, I don't have Stevie Wonder's phone number.
I think you'd probably have to get it from, like, his manager or something like that.
Do you have Stevie Wonder's manager's phone number? No, Reggie, not anymore.
You know what, man? Like, I'm the guest.
Why don't you just, like, look it up in a phone book or something like that? Do you have a phone book? Yeah.
- Burb.
- Brb.
- B-r-b.
- B-r-b.
B-r all right.
Talk to me.
Uh, yes, my name is Reggie Watts, and um, I promised my friend, Scott Aukerman, that I'd be able to get Stevie Wonder on the show, and I was wondering could he be here in five minutes? Ooh, Reggie, baby, bummer break.
I actually don't rep the blind, piano-playing man anymore.
I'll tell you what, though, I do represent Bruce Springsteen.
What do you say we give him a call? - Well, all right.
- Okay.
Excellent.
Talk to me.
Bruce, my new acquaintance, Reggie, is in a pickle.
He wasn't able to book Stevie Wonder for his show, and he's got a question for you.
- Sure.
- Shoot.
Yeah, uh, Mr.
Springsteen, I was wondering, do you happen to have Stevie Wonder's number? Oh yeah, I got that.
But I can't read my address book right now.
You see, I'm # dancing in the dark # But if it's all right with you, give me three to five minutes to get over there, and the boss will do that show himself.
No thanks.
Who the heck is "the boss?" Alfie Gaye, you lost another one.
B.
Br-b.
Hey, Reg, everything all right with Stevie? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just had to make sure that he had enough braille.
All right, we'll be right back with more Kevin Smith and college student, Whitney Peeps.
Come on back.
All wet and weird, and stuff like that.
But I ate it anyway 'cause whatever, you know? - Frogs are like that.
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Kevin Smith, and Stevie Wonder is gonna be out here in just a second, but let's get to our next guest.
She is nationally recognized for her volunteer work.
- Ooh.
- Please welcome Whitney Peeps.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you doing? - So nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, please have a seat.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the show.
- Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for having me.
Whitney, you're a college student.
- Yes.
- Yes, fantastic, and I go to Brigham Young.
What is your field of study? English.
And in the intro it said you're nationally recognized - for your volunteer work.
- Yeah.
How did you sort of spark a love of volunteer work? I noticed a sign in my cafeteria that said if you volunteer at the soup kitchen, you'll be entered in a raffle, and the winner gets to go to Hawaii, so I entered, and I volunteered, and I won.
- Oh, my God, that is so, - You won the raffle.
Like, incredibly self-serving of you.
- Thank you Yeah.
- That's amazing.
So you ended up winning the trip to Hawaii? I did, so it was really worth it to, like, spend my time helping the poor.
But winning that contest it seemed sparked a love that has carried you on.
You must be doing further volunteer work.
Yes, any time that a prize or cash is offered to do something, I'm willing to volunteer.
But only when there's a prize? Most definitely.
How often do you win prizes? Well, that's the thing, I keep winning, and I won't stop.
- So you're a winner.
- Yes.
What is that like? - It feels really good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know what that feels like either.
- No, I'm the other guy.
- Loser.
- bleep You.
- Oh.
Wait, so how are you winning all the time? Are are you you're not contacting the people who run these contests, are you? Yes, I will contact them, and just have an interaction with them, um, of some sort of physical nature which then leads to a cash or prize exchange.
- You know, I've heard - Yes, Kevin? - Cover your - Okay.
I think she's, like, Doing stuff for the prizes? She's, like, got a telescope and adjusting it? Opening it up.
She's working a pepper grinder for the prizes.
Uh, it's okay, you can listen now.
You know, I've heard stories like this before, but never with charities involved.
Usually with cash.
Wait, what are some of the prizes you've received? Well, it's pretty amazing.
Most of them involve trips, um, outfits, jewelry, jewels.
Yeah, but you're giving bloppy-j's.
Excuse me? You're giving hammer-jammers.
You don't know what I do when I get there when I get to the home of the person running these volunteer contests.
What exactly is it? It's a Jamaica meat pie.
That's my special move.
Thank God I got this pillow on my lap is all I'm saying.
I really hesitate to ask, but what is a Jamaican meat pie? If you really want to know, it's when two people who really love each other kiss, and hold each other close, and fall asleep whispering to each other about how much they love each other.
That sounds kind of sweet.
Maybe you shouldn't have judged me so quickly.
Can I ask this though? Does it stop there? - Mm-mm.
- What happens after that? Blammer-jammers and hammer-jammers.
- Wow.
- Well, um, you know, I I have to say that I brought you out here to talk about your volunteer work, but do you even do the volunteer work? I did that one time.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna guess you do this program in order to get things for yourself.
Yes, I get paid a salary to talk to people like you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you shitting me? You don't get paid to do what you do? No.
You do it for the love of the art? Of course.
That's gorgeous.
You're paid, Scott Aukerman? Look, everyone's paid to do work, right? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Reggie, you paid? Nope.
Well, that's an oversight, I'm sure.
I'm so mad that I would throw this pillow on the ground if I didn't need to keep it right here - for the whole show.
- What's under there? - Don't don't - Hammer-jammer.
Under where? You're probably right.
So what are your plans for the future? - I mean - I mean, I feel like in the future, like, my main goals are to graduate, get a house, live there with all my friends, go in a swimming pool, die in a swimming pool.
- Die in a swimming pool? - Why? Yeah, I just think it'd be a beautiful way to die with my hair floating all around my body.
How many years after you get the swimming pool do you hope to die in one? Shortly.
- Shortly? - Why? I just here's the thing.
Like, I think I've discovered everything that's great about life, and I've already achieved it all.
Like, I'm ready to pass away now.
Are you saying you're suicidal? I'm just saying I know what I want, and I'll get it, and what I want is to be in heaven forever.
- Hmm.
- That sounds awesome.
Look, Whitney, I really think you need counseling.
- Thank you.
- Certainly not from me, but from someone.
That's not a compliment.
- Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.
It's not even funny.
Will you counsel me? See, this is exactly what's starting to happen.
This is the kind of thing that you put - the shoulder thing - Counsel me.
The shoulder thing doesn't work on counsel me.
The talking like a baby thing doesn't - waa-aa.
Hold me.
- All right.
Look, we can set up a session.
- Okay.
- All right.
We'll be right back with more Whitney Peeps, more Kevin Smith, and Stevie Wonder after this.
Just call my office.
- We'll set something up.
- Okay.
Let's go right now.
Move your shoulders like that again.
That's why I can't be in small spaces anymore.
Oh, boy.
Hey, I want to thank our guests, Kevin Smith and Whitney Peeps, but we have one final guest to get to.
It's the one we're all waiting for.
He's a musical genius.
Please welcome Stevie Wond hey, hey, Scott.
- Reggie? - Yeah, this thing about Stevie Wonder oh, uh, what's going on with Stevie? Of course he's here.
He just wants you to wear this blindfold.
Why? Uh, because of the blind thing.
He's really sensitive about it, and he wants to level the playing field.
You know, standard procedure Stevie Wonder stuff, so oh, okay, well, I mean, yeah, if it makes Mr.
Wonder more comfortable about playing the love theme from Mulan, then by all means.
You can do this.
Stevie? Are you there? Scott, over here.
Stevie Wonder, this is so exciting.
Thank you so much for coming.
I I know you don't do many comedy shows.
Oh, right, I forgot.
You did Hee-haw.
Well, anyway, why don't you take it away? You and me together don't it feel so right we can't wait forever so baby, let's make it tonight it's gonna be a party should be out of sight so why don't we get started so baby, let's make it tonight come on, let's make it tonight Ah, short but sweet.
The love theme from Mulan just as I vaguely remember it.
Stevie, it's been a thrill.
If I may, I would love to pin this birthday pin to you.
Reggie, what's going on? You know, I'm I'm gonna have to come clean, Scott.
That's not Stevie Wonder.
That's that's a donkey.
What? I just wanted to give you the best birthday that you'd ever hoped, or imagined, or wished for.
Aw.
Reggie, you don't have to lie to give me a great 28th birthday.
No, you just have to give me a slightly more expensive gift than the one that you gave me last year, one equitable to three months of your salary.
No, the true joy that I have in coming to this show is working with people like you, and having great guests on like Kevin here, and well, like Kevin.
Why don't we sing a song for Scott, one truly worthy of this birthday champion before us.
Yeah.
Happy Birthday dear Scott Happy Birthday all you want # you were born once and it's the day when we remember you were born and we cherish Guys, that was Horrible.
- Thank you.
- Not a compliment.
Donkey.
Come on, let's make it tonight The wolf dead.
Absolutely.