Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s03e19 Episode Script

Eric André wears a Cat Collage Shirt & Sneakers

1 Well, that's been our show.
I want to thank our guests, Eric Andre and inventor Mike Cankers.
Mike, I think your invention's gonna take the world by storm.
All right, we'll see you next week.
Thanks.
Bye.
All right, that is a wrap.
That's a wrap.
All right, thanks, guys.
Eric, very funny.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
Cool.
- Great job.
And, Mike, hey, great job.
Thanks, Scott.
I can't wait for people to buy my invention.
Thank you.
Take care now.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Cankers, you forgot your invention.
Well, that show was really good.
Yeah, but, Reggie, good is the enemy of great.
I messed up my intro at the top of the show.
I mean, you can't blame yourself.
There was a typo on the card.
Yeah, the cue card did say "we have a great shoe," not "show.
" Well, on the bright side, it did remind me to put on my shoes.
I'd forgot.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we use the inventor's time machine to go back in time and fix the show? Hey.
Yeah, we could use this thing to go back in time exactly one half hour, fix the cue card, and then have the perfect show we've both always wanted.
Sounds perfect.
Okay, I'm set.
You ready? Yeah.
Here we go.
All right, 30 seconds to air.
30 seconds.
I'll just put this here.
Have a good show, Reg.
People are gonna love my invention.
Remember, we can't interact with the past versions of ourselves, otherwise we'll rip a hole in the space-time continuum.
We'll have to wear disguises.
Great.
So now we'll just watch the show, make sure everything goes okay, and then we'll go back to the time period following the present.
What did you just say? We'll go back to the time period following the present.
Oh, you mean back to the future.
No, we can't say that.
Okay, we are on in five, four, three, two It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- # Comedy Bang! Bang! # Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh Hey, there.
Welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Well, sure we do.
It's right there on the card, perfectly spelled.
From the Eric Andre show, Eric Andre is here, as well as inventor Mike Cankers.
I'm Scott Aukerman.
And, hey, let's say hello to our good friend Reggie Watts.
A perfect show.
Wow! So what do you call that sweater? It's like a black-and-white TV that's on the Fritz.
It's called, uh Reg? You all right? Yeah, I-I just get this weird feeling that I'm forgetting something.
Oh, I know my shoes.
Because someone didn't mention shoes at the top of the show, I forgot to put mine on.
So hold on.
I'll be right back.
Okay, no problem.
Whoa! - Reggie.
- Ah.
Are you okay? Me no know.
Our meddling with history has caused dire consequences.
- That ruined our perfect show.
- I hit my little head.
We need to go back in time and fix this.
All right, 30 seconds to air.
30 seconds.
I'll just put this right here.
Have a good show, Reg.
People are gonna love my invention.
Remember, we can't interact with either past versions of ourselves.
We'll have to wear disguises.
- Three, two - Okay.
Hey, there, welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Well, sure we do.
It's right there on the card, perfectly spelled.
Hey, look out.
- The spill.
- Oh.
And, hey, let's say hello to our good friend Reggie Watts.
Reg, you all right? Yeah, I-I just get this weird feeling that I'm forgetting something.
Oh, I know my shoes.
I forgot to put mine on.
So hold on.
I'll be right back.
Okay, no problem.
Got my shoes.
I didn't slip or fall or nothing.
Hey, good job, Reg.
A perfect show.
All right, let's get to our first guest.
A Jew and a Haitian walk into a bar.
They meet, they fall in love, they kiss, they have sex, they have a baby, that baby grows up, he's here tonight.
Please welcome Eric Andre.
Eric! Are you okay? Oh, no.
Looks like we'll have to go back again.
All right, 30 seconds to air.
30 seconds.
Remember, we can't interact with any of the past versions of ourselves.
We'll have to wear disguises.
Hey, there, welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! - Oh, hey.
- We have a great show tonight.
Well, sure we do.
It's right there on the card, perfectly spelled.
Get out of my way.
And, hey, let's say hello to our good friend Reggie Watts.
- Go get the banana peel.
- Got ya.
Reg, you all right? I just get this weird feeling that I'm forgetting something.
Know my shoes.
I forgot to put mine on.
Oh, okay.
Now for a perfect show.
And stop dropping stuff.
They have a baby, that baby grows up, he's here tonight.
Please welcome Eric Andre.
- Hey.
- Hey, Eric.
- How you doing, Scott? - Welcome to the show.
- Yes, by jove! - Ohh.
- Great.
- There you go.
All right.
All business.
Just sitting right down, aren't you? Hell, yeah.
Now, Scott, I have to ask you, what have you been up to lately? I don't know.
Not a lot.
But, um, let me ask you have you been on vacation recently? Yeah, I went to Lake Okeechobee, but let me ask Okeecho-okeechobee! That's a funny-sounding place.
Well, you got any projects in the work? I heard you got a lot on the horizon, my friend.
Eric, can you just kind of take a breather? Let me ask you the questions.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
I'm used to asking the questions, not answering them.
Oh, wait.
Because you have your own talk show Yeah, yeah.
It's hard for you to answer questions.
Yes, it's tough switching gears.
Hey, as the owner of a ten-speed bicycle, I feel your pain.
I'll just ask you a really simple question, then you give me a really simple answer, okay? Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go.
So, Eric, how are you? - I am, uh - Yes? I am Go on.
You've almost got it, lad.
I'm wondering how your vacation was! Aghh! I'm wondering if you played any pranks on set, how your family's doing, and what's the best birthday you've ever had! Whoo, boy.
You get that out of your system? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, I just answered a question.
You did! Ha ha.
Wow.
Well, maybe we should, um, switch back.
- Yeah, let's switch back.
- All right.
Here we go.
Totally.
- Okay.
- Classic.
So, Eric, you're known for your own talk show where you trash your own set.
Now, I'm not saying I want you to do that to our set, because I really would rather you no, no, actually, please don't.
What I'm saying, though, is, is maybe you could pretend to and we can put it in in post.
- Like, CGI it in later? Sure.
- Yeah, yeah.
So maybe you want to set the couch on fire.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just do it all in they got programs now.
Ooh, toasty.
And I'm all breaking stuff too.
What are you doing? - Stop.
- Come on, Eric.
Stop it, come on.
That's my microphone.
Stop it.
And they're gonna in post.
It's called post.
Yeah, you know, actually, all we could afford is, we turned him into clipart of a reindeer with sunglasses on.
I think people will get that.
So, Eric, I'm a talk-show host, you're a talk-show host, and I'm just speaking for myself right now, but I think I speak for you as well, when I say that without one man in particular, I wouldn't be where I'm at.
I know exactly who you're talking about.
Johnny.
Johnny.
You know, without him, there would be no talk shows.
Just to be clear, we are talking about Johnny Appleseed, right? Oh, yeah, I mean, without the apple orchards that he planted across America, we wouldn't have the booming agrarian economy which paved the way for industrialization and the invention of the television.
Mmhmm.
And not to mention, the apples we eat every day keep those pesky doctors away.
- Ugh, doctors.
Ugh! - Yuck.
- Bloof! - Wah! - Bleh! - Eghh! - Bleh! - Guh! Hey, I'm a doctor.
I have your test results.
Bleh! Pardon me, but you have cancer.
Blugh! Hey, I'm a doctor.
I am from France.
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! I am a doctor from Germany.
Bleh! I'm a doctor from another place.
Bleh-ugh-agh-aghhh! Aghhhh! Ugh-eghhh-ha! Eh.
Try a little harder next time, Reg.
Bleh! - Thank you, Johnny.
- Johnny.
Here's to you.
- See you in hell.
- See you in hell.
Five years, tops.
- Max.
- We'll see you there.
You know, I never get to see the show the way other people get to do it, so this is really a treat for me.
It really is a treat.
So, Eric, when you get mad, do you ever want to and pardon the expression kick someone in their little butt? Yikes! Scott, language.
Watch your mouth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just well, to be honest, I've watched your show, and I kind of want to be a bad boy like you.
Hey, hey, hey, I might like my snacks salty, but not my language.
Sorry, sorry.
I didn't know.
I might like my Michael Jackson albums bad, but not my words.
Oh, you like that album? I might like having blue balls, but not my language.
You like having blue balls? I might like my balls to be foul, but not my language.
Wait.
Not your testicles, actual foul balls in baseball? You like that? Yes.
Yep.
You're a weird guy.
bleep "A," I am! You bleep big bleep piece of bleep bleep Fluid.
All right, well, I'm glad we settled that.
For bleep sure, man.
What can you say on this network? bleep dick tits.
"Dick tits" is kind of a gray area, but I think we can say that.
- You can say the rest, right? - No.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, yeah.
- "Dick tits," though you know what? I'm not gonna sign a release on the way out.
Why don't you pixilate my face for the remainder of this? Okay, no problem.
Just from right here? From right here.
I won't sue you okay, you'll sign a release up till that point.
Up to that point, yeah.
Okay, but post that point, no release.
Got to pixilate my face and bleep everything I'm saying.
Every single well, why don't we just modulate it down a half step? Okay, yeah, I'll take that.
That's sort of like Banksy.
Are you Banksy? Yep.
I am.
What's your favorite painting? All of them.
Yeah, just put 'em in a blender, and that's a Banksy.
Put it in a blender.
Drink it.
Scott, what are you doing? Oh, what am I doing? Blanked out there for a second.
- That's funny.
- Yeah.
So, Eric, I am having fun.
Are you having fun? I'm having a blast.
And nothing bad has happened during this interview.
Not a single thing.
That's what I like about it.
I don't want to jinx it, but I think we may be on our way to a perfect show.
Let's keep the streak going.
When we come back, we'll have more from Eric Andre and inventor Mike Cankers.
Come on back.
This is exciting.
I'm excited.
Bless you.
Wait.
Your wife has been pregnant for two years? You should see a doctor.
Doctor, ugh! Hey, welcome back.
Were here with Eric Andre.
And inventor Mike Cankers will be out here soon to tell us about his new invention.
And, Eric, I think this show's been going great, right? Fantastic.
I mean, I've never been on a better talk show.
Now, Reggie, it's time for you to ask a question for our guest.
Remember, we're going for a perfect show here.
Of course, Scott.
Um, uh, just let me start by saying that I'm very excited about this question.
I've been thinking about it for a while.
So, Eric, you have an amazing relationship with chaos, or caos.
Do you think that chaos is now under your control? Some may say.
That question was really thought-provoking.
That was good, right? Flawless.
Oh, Reggie, thank you.
Great question, great answer.
Scott, it's the least I could do.
And yet, the most perfect thing I could do.
Hey, you know what? We're on a hot streak here, and you know what they say about success as well as Texas, I guess.
Don't mess with either of them, so Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Let's bump the next guest.
Dual dialogue.
Command "d.
" Hey, someone tell the inventor he's bumped, okay? People are gonna love my invention.
Sorry, pal.
You're bumped.
This is the worst day of my life! No, the inventor was bumped.
That means that he'll never be on the show, so he'll never leave the time machine for us to use.
Unless we fix this, we'll never exist.
The space-time continuum will be irrevocably broken.
We need to go back and ruin the show.
But what about a perfect show? Reggie, I was a fool to play God.
A perfect show is something that just happens.
You can't orchestrate it.
Okay, we'll go back until right after the first commercial.
Wait.
Your wife has been pregnant for two years? You should see a doctor.
Doctor, ugh! Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Eric Andre.
Oh, uh, remember, we can't interact with any of the disguises, yeah.
And, Eric, I think the show's been going great, right? Fantastic.
I mean, I've never been on a better talk show.
Now, Reggie, it's time for you to ask a question for our guest.
Remember, we're going for a perfect show here.
My slingshot.
Very excited about this question.
I've been thinking about it for a while, so If I fire this slingshot at that glass of water, maybe I'll distract myself from asking the good question.
You have an amazing relationship with chaos, or caos.
Oh! Reggie! Did you it wasn't me.
Oh, my God.
He's dead.
Scott, help me.
Reggie, no! Go to commercial.
He's dead! What happened? I fired that shot.
I shot the rope holding up the sandbag above your friend, killing him.
And you're next.
Welcome back to the show.
Reggie got hit by a sandbag.
He's dead.
The coroner is coming to pick up the body of my best friend.
Being bumped from that show ruined my life.
So I've come back in time to ruin the show, the way it ruined my life! Inventor Mike Cankers? That is no longer my name, Scott.
You can call me Doctor time! I killed Reggie for ruining my life.
And now, Scott, it's time for you to die! I'll go back in time to before you killed my friend! You'll never be able to stop me! Which one's Reggie? Which one's Scott? Have a good show, Reg.
People are gonna love my invention.
Five, four Hey, look out.
Get out of my way.
Just get this weird feeling that I'm forgetting something.
Ah! Uh-uh.
No! It's over, doctor time.
I have the one remaining working time machine.
And now I'll just wait until after the commercial for future you to arrive and make sure you never kill my friend.
Let's keep the streak going.
When we come back, we'll have more from Eric Andre and inventor Mike Cankers.
Come on back.
This is exciting.
I'm excited.
Did you have you ever had a perfect wait.
Your wife has been pregnant for two years? You should see a doctor.
Doctor, ugh! Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Eric Andre.
And inventor Mike Cankers will be out here soon to tell us about his new invention and what? Not so fast.
It's over, doctor time.
It's time For you to give up.
Hey, that was my joke.
Well played.
But if I can't ruin this show, I'll just have to ruin all of them since the beginning.
Ha ha! No! Reggie, it's time for you to ask a question for our guest.
Remember, we're going for a perfect show here.
Uh, just let me start by saying that I'm very excited about this question.
I want to thank our guests, Rob Corddry and Huh? What? What? bleep! What? Hey! It's so great to have another hunky comedian on the show.
Oh is this so it's so great to have another hunky comedian Hey, Scott.
Time travel! I knew it.
This is the part of the show where Reggie likes to ask our guest a question.
So, Reggie, go ahead, but remember, we're going for a perfect show here.
Don't worry, Scott.
I got this.
Forget it.
Okay, well, there goes our perfect show.
We may as well get to our next guest.
Please welcome Mike Cankers.
Hi, Mike.
Thank you for joining us.
Hi.
Goodbye, old friend.
All right, that is a wrap.
That's a wrap.
All right, thanks, guys.
I can't wait for people to buy my invention.
Take care.
Oh, Mr.
Cankers, you forgot your invention.
Well, that show was really good.
Yeah, but, Reggie, good is the enemy of great.
Why don't we use the inventor's time machine to go back in time and fix the show? Yeah, we could have the perfect show we've both always wanted.
Okay, I'm set.
You ready? - Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Ooh! - We made it.
I'm just glad you're okay, buddy.
Just promise me, no more messing around with time travel.
Scott and Reggie, it's an emergency.
You must come back with us.
Come back where? Back to the time period after the present.
You mean back to the future.
No, you you can't say that.
Here we go.
Everybody wants to be just like me all I wanna do is be what I can be The wolf dead.