Community s01e07 Episode Script

As you know, all faculty at Greendale are required to give extra credit to students who organize academically-related events during what would otherwise be known as our "free time.
" No student in any department has ever exercised this option until now.
Tonight, in the library, I will be hosting a Día de los Muertos party.
Just relax, just relax.
Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween.
Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with Mexican Halloween as a sexual position.
At any rate, if you show up, you get extra credit.
Me, I don't even get paid.
See you tonight.
Um, heh, heh.
Most of you responded to my Evite, but some of you remain evasive, so Count me in.
This is my first college party.
I got some tequila, and I just rented Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, and look.
Shirley, you took off your wedding ring.
My husband's been gone for six months.
So I think it's time for me to embrace being single.
Message received.
I'm still waiting to hear from Jeff and Pierce.
Oh, I thought I shot you a response from this pocket phone here.
Access e-mail.
You're not going to Annie's party? Oh, I have a conflict.
It conflicts with the enjoyment of my life.
I cannot figure out the voice command part of this thing.
It's like I'm my mother.
Calling mother.
What? Speaking of enjoying life, I don't wanna beat a dead horse here, but are you sure you don't see anything non-platonic ever crystallizing between us? I'm sure.
Okay, good.
Because one of my professors is really hot.
And I wanted to give you first right of refusal.
Hello? Pierce? Mom? How's school going? Are you popular? I am headed through a tunnel right now.
Wrong number.
Has that boy Jeff stopped teasing you? How's your Canadian girlfriend? I saw your father's ghost again.
He's still angry.
The Bernoulli Distribution is the number of successes in a sequence of independent yes-no experiments.
Okay.
For the quiz Monday brush up on chapters three and four.
Bernoulli's one of my favorites.
Little known fact, statistics were not his only love.
He's famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry.
That's béarnaise.
We may need to settle this at a restaurant.
That's cute.
A little aggressive.
But as a busy, confident woman of authority I'm attracted to men who take charge.
You being sarcastic or am I nailing it? You were nailing it until you had to ask.
Oh, damn it.
Starting over.
Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
I'd like to, Mr.
Winger.
You're tall, dress nice.
I've graded enough of your tests to know I'd never feel mentally inadequate.
Thank you.
Only problem, I don't date students.
You know, if you agree to go Oh.
Hey.
Awkward.
How small is this campus? Bastard.
It's fine, I don't care.
It's disgusting the way men behave.
You ever see that Katherine Heigl movie poster, where Gerard Butler had that heart over his wiener? That resonated with me.
Okay, fine.
But just to repeat, I don't care what Jeff does.
Bastard.
I'm barely a student.
I'm older than you, I drive a Lexus.
I saw Ghost Busters in the theater.
Look, my gums are receding.
It's uncanny how many of my buttons you're finding, but I have a personal rule about this and I stick to it.
Have a cup of coffee with me, I can change your mind.
I know you can.
That's why you're not getting the chance.
Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.
Are you coming to my party? I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.
Then I can mark you down as definitely being there from 7:00 sharp until question mark? Here's the thing No, here's the thing.
I am putting my foot down, do you understand? I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact, and it is achieving results.
Trying to get formidable with me? It worked on Pierce.
Infomercials work on Pierce.
Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay? If you show up, it will be the first party I host where everyone doesn't say they need to get home in time for the news.
This won't work.
The last time you did this, I saved a vial of your tears.
And I've been slowly building up an immunity.
I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic.
This party is a second chance at being hip, cool, laid-back.
Look, I will come to your party.
Thank you.
I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.
Taking a pill? Yes, I am.
"Xenolovaden.
" My grandpa took that around your age.
Fantastic.
Helped him with his going problem.
By the time Grandpa got up in years, his memory wasn't great.
He'd mix the wrong pills.
You know how old people are.
Heard stories about it.
One time he started hallucinating and ran down the street with no pants on, which in the Gaza Strip is considered a real party foul so you should probably be careful.
Look, I really don't need your advice, and I'm not your pantsless grandpa.
Heh.
"Pantsless grandpa.
" Heh, heh.
Scary.
You look great.
Hi.
Britta, you look adorable.
Thank you.
I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sluts, you know? Yeah.
Okay, everyone.
I think we can begin.
I've got everyone's personalized cookie tombstones, por tradición.
And, in a few minutes we're going to start the Dance of the Dead, La Danza de los Muertos.
You don't have to keep doing that.
Party on.
Nice of you to be here, I'm sure you'd rather be out with your hot professor.
Well, it's funny.
I enrolled here as a selfish Ioner.
But you and the group have given me a crash course in friendship.
She blew you off, huh? She's grading papers.
Professor Slater? She's not grading papers, she's at the faculty party in the cafeteria.
Oh, look.
It's the eavesdropping matador.
Are you saying my people are sneaky? What? There is a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night.
Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots.
Predictable but appetizing.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I ask you something that I always wanted to ask real Batman? Am I good-looking? You're a very attractive young man.
I knew it.
Let's get this party started.
Who are you? I am the Beastmaster.
From the movie, Beastmaster.
What rock have you been living under? What are you going as? A gay douche bag? Just kidding.
Nice one.
I'm not much of a costume guy.
You're not much of a liking-ladies guy either.
Oh.
Body blow.
Is that liquor? Hello.
Here's your drinks, mates.
Oh.
Thanks, Urkel.
I'm Harry Potter.
Really? What up, Urkel? Hey.
All right.
What are you taking? Huh? Oh.
You know, the usual cool stuff.
I've got ludes, dreamers, Johnny Boys.
Tell you what, I'll I'll trade you one of mine for two of yours.
I don't know, Star-Burns, I'm Oh, sorry.
I thought I was dealing with the Beastmaster.
Hey.
Who said you weren't? Heh, heh, heh.
Saddle up, fruit pie.
Don't mind if I do.
May I? Here, take this.
Give anyone that shows up their stupid credit.
You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.
Give it up, Winger.
Professor Slater doesn't date students.
Or married Asians who drive mopeds.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
I'll bring the hog around.
Okay, it's time for the Dance of the Dead.
Everyone form a circle.
Lights.
Music.
Is it under genre or on a specific play list? Hey, man, what'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth and I wanna kiss everybody.
What did you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing and I can't pee.
Now, for the first dance, I would like to invite a very special guest to the floor.
Jeff Winger? Jeff? Where's Jeff? Please slow down.
Please.
Stop crying, Winger.
Watch it! Is Jeff gone? You know, I'm gonna go.
I don't wanna miss the news.
News.
He just stepped out.
He's gonna be right back.
He's going to the faculty party.
To be with Professor Short Skirt? We hate her.
No, it's not about her, Shirley.
I can't believe that Jeff would do this to Annie.
Yes, absolutely, it's about Annie.
We should go find that bitch's car and snap off her antenna.
It's like high school all over again.
Everyone's leaving.
Not me.
I can do this all night.
I love you.
There you go, pretty lady.
What are you doing here? Showing you my non-student side.
I have to admit, this outfit is doing it for me.
I may or may not have been deflowered by a junior rodeo champion.
You remind me of my first time too.
You lost your virginity to Robin Hood? No, with an attractive woman at a party.
We seem destined to repeat history.
I told you, no students.
It's unseemly.
I go out with you, you tell your friends.
What friends? I have no friends, I hate everyone here but you.
Hey.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? You should be over at the library with Annie.
Whoa.
Yippee ki-yay.
Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Had to have one to get in, squirrel.
Oh.
So where did you get it? I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.
I don't know what you're getting at.
The words you're looking for are, "I own a cowboy outfit.
" And it is tight too.
Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.
Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.
Britta Perry, GED.
Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's? When you say classmate, it sounds like we take naps together and eat paste.
What's great about community college is is that a lot of the students are as mature as the teachers.
Jeff, you must return to Annie's party.
She's feeling unpopular.
Jeff, Pierce took something and he is tripping balls.
He's touching people and dancing weird.
It's like Grumpy Old Men, but not hilarious.
Okay.
Guys, I'm at a grown-up Halloween party, all right? You're all being unseemly.
Oh, no.
How are we unseemly? Why is Urkel ripping the antenna off Professor Slater's car? That's right, Professor Slim Calves.
This is what you get when you steal Jeff from a good woman.
No, Abed.
Is he meowing? Yeah.
Enough.
I want you guys out of here.
Britta, I don't care about your high school soap opera.
Abed, you're not Batman.
Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.
Stop grinding on the Women's Studies department.
You are too old to be tripping.
I'm old? What do you mean old? Who's hands are these? Stop me.
Way to go.
I know I'm not Batman.
You could try not being a jerk.
She's pretty hot.
Well, where were we, little doggie? Unseemly.
Yeah, crap.
Shirley? Shirley? This is Professor Robin Hood's office.
What are you doing? Putting this hose in her desk.
You turn the water on.
Why? To teach that long neck, weave-having bank teller she can't steal another woman's man, that's why.
Uh I have a confession to make.
I think some of what I just said may have more to do with my situation.
Yeah, the long neck, weave-having bank teller didn't feel universal.
My ex-husband came by this morning, and he asked for his ring back.
It was his mother's, and he wants to give it to his new girlfriend.
Shirley, that sucks.
The best thing that ever happened to me was him leaving.
I just always thought he'd come crawling back, and I'd get to tell him to go to hell.
He couldn't even give me that.
You know what the crazy thing is? Everything you've done tonight? It's like I was too proud to admit I was hurt, so I had to pretend that you were.
I totally get that.
I feel better now.
Let's go check on Annie.
Can you believe I targeted this poor lady? Look at all these awards, I bet she's nice.
Yeah.
Nice and pretentious.
Pierce, are you okay? Hey, man, what's going on? You have a full-on erection.
Just relax.
Relax, man.
Just relax.
Just relax, okay? You are too old to be tripping.
You're going to die.
You are too old to be tripping.
Tell me about The Beatles, Pierce.
Tell me about Woodstock and sputnik, Pierce.
Do I feel a breeze here? Because someone just struck out.
She blew you off too, Chang.
Heh, heh, heh.
Is that what you have to fall back on? Look at me, bro.
Look at me.
I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay? If I was working with what you've got, she'd be at the Comfort Inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.
It's this campus.
It feeds on my coolness.
I got no moves anymore.
Moves? Everything's a game to guys like you.
I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.
What is it? Please sleep with me.
Please.
Pretty please.
I'm so lonely.
I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you're so good-looking.
Please do me the favor of having sex with me.
Okay.
Stay three steps behind and promise you won't tell anybody.
I promise.
I promise.
Everybody stay out of the library.
Pierce, it's okay.
Come out of there.
No, I'm not ready to die.
You're not gonna die.
Look at me.
Just keep walking.
Don't make eye contact.
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
Pierce is freaking out.
You're the only one that can help.
What makes you think that? Is Jeff there? He's the only one who can help.
He says he's gonna kill himself but he doesn't want us to call 911 because he doesn't wanna get in trouble for taking drugs.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I, uh I think I have to say good night.
Are you, like, a court appointed guardian for these people? No.
Heh.
Um They're my classmates.
Good night, Jeff.
Loser.
What in the Pink Floyd? I'm gonna crush myself to death with desks and tables, Jeff.
Is that a death befitting a beastmaster? I never saw Beastmaster , I just wanted to be cool.
I'm coming in there, Pierce.
Those floating Mexican skeletons were right.
My life is over.
Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we? I'm old, Jeff.
Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first 60 years, but I know in the last two months, you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Well, I do have a young African American friend.
Yeah, and more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip.
If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
Batman? Yeah.
Are you staying for the party? If I stay there can be no party.
I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.
Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there.
Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.
But sometimes I'm not because I'm out in the night, staying vigilant, watching.
Lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping.
No, I can't sleep.
You sleep.
I'm awake.
I don't sleep, I don't blink.
Am I a bird? No.
I'm a bat.
I am Batman.
Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.
Happy Halloween.
I'm Batman.
You sound like Cookie Monster.
I'm Batman.
That's Batman.
Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.
Yeah, it sure does.
At, like, a candy traffic school.
Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he's drunk.
Look out.
We driving.
Yeah, but you keep wanting to eat yourself.
All day.
That's one of my biggest fears.
What is? If I ever, like, woke up as a doughnut.
You would eat yourself.
I wouldn't even question it.
Mm.
That would be tasty.
It's cool to know other people think about this stuff too.
Yeah.
Yeah.