Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e09 Episode Script

Nathaniel Gets the Message!

1 Crazy is when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me Crazy is how your loving makes me feel This is what I always want to be I like it when a girl gets crazy in bed Don't mess with the bitch who's crazy in the head - You do - You don't Want to be crazy - And you don't - You do Want to be crazy To clarify, yes, no on the crazy We hope this helps.
What? Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Maybe having a baby started out as a whim, but it's what I want for my life now.
And you don't want a baby.
Oh, wait, so this is ? Yeah, I guess it is.
JOSH: Why are you making me move? I don't want to move.
I'm just going through a tough time.
- Too much change.
- Josh is the worst.
You know, I can't even book another wedding because of him.
His jilting you has completely ruined my business.
Can I help you, ma'am? Me and Ally? I wish.
I don't have a shot.
I mean, look at her.
There's no baby.
It is really expensive to buy those huevos.
I can only do it, like, once a year.
REBECCA: The way I am with Nathaniel is nothing like the way I was with Josh.
But doesn't it feel like you're repeating some old patterns? Rebecca, what's wrong? I have to do something I've never done before.
What? (exhales) Come on in.
You look upset.
So, you said you wanted to do something you'd never done before.
What is it, like a sex thing? I mean, I don't know what else is still on the table for us.
(laughs) Oh, God, please don't make me laugh.
Oh, it's only gonna make it more difficult.
What do you mean? Okay.
Okay, so here's the thing.
I don't know how to like someone without being obsessed with them.
Okay? So it happened with Josh and now it's starting to happen with you, and I can't go down that road again.
It's a nightmare.
Okay, well, I'm not Josh.
(chuckles) Okay? This isn't bad obsessed.
This is good obsessed.
I-I-I like it.
I-I find it flattering.
No, no, but, Nathaniel, think about all the stuff I did just in the last few days.
I mean, really, I-I hounded your father.
I insisted you had a secret sibling.
I stole your shirt so I could wear it all day and smell it.
Look, we talked about all that.
It's in the past.
And I didn't know about the shirt thing, but, again, kind of cute.
Okay, cute, yes, it starts out as cute, but then it escalates.
It escalates to-to bad things, like-like burning down houses and abducting some people's moms and sleeping with other people's dads.
- Whoa, what? - Not your dad.
Although, I mean, he does have kind of like a silver fox thing going on.
He's very neggy, which I like.
Point is, the point is I-I just can't be with you right now or anyone.
Okay, look, I-I don't want to get in the way of your therapy thing, but isn't the whole point of all this to be happy? We're happy.
That's what matters.
I'm happy, but it's not real.
It's it's a high.
- It's infatuation.
- Wait.
Are are you breaking up with me right now? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just saying that we I'm just saying that we can't be together or go out or talk on the phone or have sex or kiss or snuggle or cuddle.
Um so, I'm sorry.
(crying): I have to, I have to, I have to go.
No, no, no, wait, Rebecca.
You can't just The hell just happened? REBECCA: So, I can't do anything.
I can't be in a romantic relationship because I'm literally incapable of it.
And I'm not ready to go back to work, so I got nothing to do all day.
You know what I did yesterday? I-I threw out all my old spices and bought new ones.
I don't even cook.
I just smelled them all and I tried to smoke the marjoram.
Rebecca, you made a hard choice ending your relationship.
Now you have some time on your hands.
It's a good opportunity to maybe fill in some of these gaps in your life.
Find meaning in new ways.
You know, some of my patients find meaning by giving back to the community, helping others.
- Hmm.
Like volunteer stuff? - Yeah, it can be very therapeutic and rewarding.
I have this one patient who volunteered at a library, then started a book exchange program, then ended up writing a book about that.
Then she donated the proceeds of the book Okay, we get it.
She's your favorite patient.
- You want to kiss her.
La, la, la.
- Yeah, you got me.
She's my favorite patient and I want to kiss her, la, la, la.
Rebecca.
Think of all the time and energy you spend in your life on romantic relationships.
I have clocked a lot of hours.
Okay.
You can take that passion, that intensity, and focus and redirect it into more productive endeavors.
Huh.
God, I've never thought of that before.
Maybe you're right.
10,000 hours in anything Makes you an expert And I've spent way more time than that frettin' over guys I've got a BFA, an MFA And a PhD in obsession And now I find myself Wondering why I could have used that time to cure leukemia I could have used that time to clean the seas I could have taught some teens awareness of bulimia I could have saved the pandas, whales and bees Without love, you can save the world Put those hours to good use instead Without love, you can save the world Sing out, branch out Get out of your own head Hey, guys.
- Peace.
- Peace and love.
- But not love.
- (laughter) Love's a real time suck It really gets your mind stuck On things that, later on, you'll be like Why? Like when's he gonna text? Or when will I see him next? Then suddenly the lakes have all gone dry And it's all your fault Without love You can save the world Save the world Clear space in your brain for better things Better things Without love You can save the world Save the world Not being tied to a bed Can really give you wings Conserve your mental energy To research conserving energy Don't raise hell Raise money for local schools HEATHER: Now that you've got time Take the leash off your hog And use that leash to walk rescue dogs Love is blind But without love You can actually help the blind It's an asexual utopia Without love You can save the world Save the world Forget who you did Think about what you can do What you can do Without love, you can save the world Save the world Change doesn't start with him Change starts With you It starts with you Not who you screw Not who you screw It starts with you Without love.
So, Darryl and I agreed that we should be friends, but then I've texted him a couple times and he hasn't texted me back all day.
I just I I feel like friends should text friends back.
Sure, but you guys are not friends.
He just dumped you, dude.
What are you talking about? I didn't get dumped.
It was mutual.
(laughs) Yeah, right.
Mutual.
You take back those air quotes.
Okay.
- Joshua.
- Dude.
Everyone knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup.
Yes, there is.
Okay, so, maybe he said the words technically before I said the words, but it's like when you're on the phone and you're having a conversation, and you want that conversation to end, someone has to say the word "good-bye" before the other person says good-bye, but you're doing it together.
Who talks on the phone? What, are you like a hundred? Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Oh, I-I got it.
Dude, what's that? Uh oh.
Since when do you have money? I got a job.
Doing what? I'm a fireman.
A volunteer fireman.
Wait, so you get paid to volunteer? Yeah, I save lives for money and I got to go, so good Good-bye.
See? We just did it.
Mutual.
(sighs) (sighs) There he is.
Get in here.
Oh, that's what I need.
A big old Paula hug because Because your fertilization didn't take again? Another wasted egg.
I'm sorry.
Now, how did you know that? I just found out myself.
- Mrs.
Hernandez.
- What? She listens in on all the Whitefeather calls like an old-timey operator.
I call her Mrs.
Hearnandez.
But she's right.
I mean, my sperm is just way too active.
I have a medical condition called super sperm.
Who named that condition? A ten-year-old doctor? My sperm is just too strong.
I mean, it gets in the Petri dish and it just whizzes around going, Aah! Banging into the glass.
It's like a bird flying into a window over and over.
Okay, no, you have weird goop.
I get it.
And I can't afford another egg.
They're so expensive.
I've already sold my whole Southwestern collection.
I considered moving onto my Southeastern collection, but that's really just a Miami Vice T-shirt and a stuffed moccasin snake.
Well, you have other stuff to sell.
What about your above-ground pool? Oh, it's riddled with spiders.
- Calf-massager ottoman? - Broke months ago.
- Electric soft-bonnet hair dryer? - I can't get rid of that.
I mean, how do you expect me to have this shine, this volume, this lustrous texture? - Darryl? - Hmm? I know you.
And if you want this, you will find a way.
Hey, guys, guess what.
Maya had a three-way and Tim's mother has diabetes.
Are you sick of limp, dull hair? Because if you are, all you need is the trusty soft-bonnet hair dryer.
And it can be yours for just $500.
No, thanks.
Oh, please? I am so desperate for cash.
Sorry.
I need to get back to work.
JIM: Hey.
- Hey.
Psst, hey.
- Turn around.
- Psst.
Come here.
Over here.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Come talk to us.
Psst.
- Hey.
Hey.
Psst.
- Hey.
- Psst.
Hey.
Heard you're looking for a little cheese? Oh, I never want just a little cheese.
I mean, I get a muenster open, and I'll just finish the whole thing.
- What? - What? The red hat dance is at midnight.
Huh? Meet us here at 2:00 a.
m.
But you said midnight.
That's an expression.
And bring two bills.
What? 20 Hamiltons? MRS.
HERNANDEZ: Oh, God.
We're playing poker tomorrow night at 2:00 a.
m.
Bring $200.
Yeah.
You can try to win some of the money Tim needs for his big old dying mom.
We play for keeps.
For keeps I'm in.
So I was thinking that I could volunteer at a soup kitchen, but you know how I feel about soup.
Then, I was thinking adult literacy, but if they can't read by the time they're adults, I mean, there's something else going on there, and I cannot take that on.
Then, I thought I could sort clothes at a donation center.
Eh if I see one crusty stain, I'm not eating for weeks.
Wow, your altruism is really incredible.
Thank you.
Hola, chicas.
Thanks for letting me use your Internet.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you believe that coffee shop? I need to buy something? (scoffs) (A) I don't have any money.
(B) I don't have any money.
(C) How many times do I need to say it? No money.
I cannot buy your eight-dollar scones.
Wait, I thought you booked that engagement party.
I did, but it's pretty low-budg, and I don't get all my money until it's over.
So, I have to do everything by myself.
I have no help.
This party-planning business, it's not exactly thriving.
And you refuse to do anything for free.
Yeah, I suck.
Wait, you're looking for help? You need free help? So you're looking for a volunteer.
Um, I'll do it.
Yes.
Hooray.
Get excited.
This is kismet, this is bashert.
That's Jew for kismet.
I'm in! I'll do it! I'll help! What are we doing again? Uh (blows raspberry) Who ordered these for me? I did not order them.
(laughs) I mean (coughs) Well, now (coughs) that I've coughed on 'em, I should probably just eat 'em.
(sighs) I'm not eating fries.
Oh, God.
Me neither.
Yuck.
I said celery.
The service here is wack! How have you been? Haven't seen you around the office since you, uh, got dumped.
Dumped? Who said that? Was it Mrs.
Hernandez? She's a filthy liar.
No.
No, it was mutual.
That is a thing.
You know? A mutual breakup.
Oh, you don't have to explain that to me.
(chuckles) I'm going through the same thing right now with Rebecca.
A mutual parting.
See? You know what I'm talking about.
And also, as if someone like Rebecca would be the one to break up with someone like you.
I mean, you're you and she's her.
The same, if-if not more so about you.
I mean (scoffs) As if Darryl Darryl.
Yeah.
Darryl? - Darryl.
- Okay, I did date him.
I-I'm just saying that he's in no position to turn you down.
- At all.
- Um, excuse me, did one of you guys call one of my servers wack? Hmm? Yes So, A) What decade are we in? And B) You did not order celery, you literally ordered fries.
And so did you.
I Do you need me to rewind the security camera footage? No.
No, thank you.
- Okay.
- WHITE JOSH: Sorry.
(whistles) Okay.
(laughing): So we ordered fries.
You know? Yeah.
So, you know, despite the, uh, mutual-ness of our breakups, we were still feeling a little bit down.
You know? We're only human.
Are we, though? I mean, people like you and me, we don't eat disgusting food to make ourselves feel better.
It doesn't even work, anyway.
You know, you're right.
It doesn't work.
You feel worse.
You feel like a worthless, pathetic, flabby little fat kid who's running around the playground, and all the kids are screaming at him and pointing at him and chasing him and calling him the Tubby Tubster tel the time.
That didn't happen to me.
I heard a story about that.
Ah.
You know what? I have an idea.
I have this new in-home gym system called the ShredFlex.
- It's the newest, latest model - Wait, wait, wait.
- The ShredFlex 5000? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I have been trying to get this in my gym and it has been on back-order forever.
Well, I have it.
In matte black.
Like the Batmobile? Yes.
Let's do this, man.
Let's do a seven-day cleanse and shred and flex our way into the best shape of our lives.
Yeah.
That'll make us feel great.
It'll make us feel amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- I love where your head's at, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's O.
D.
on endorphins, bro! - Yeah! - Okay.
- (grunts) - (laughs) Hey! Idiots! - Yep.
So sorry.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Let's clean that up.
- Good call.
Oh.
We shouldn't have done that.
(door opens) Hey, hey! You'll never believe this.
I balanced your books.
And you were right.
You only have about $800 Or 100 scones Left in the bank.
And after I balanced your books, I balanced my own checkbook.
And I only have about 30 scones left in the bank.
It turns out, I spent tens of thousands of dollars on Josh.
Anyway, water under the bridge.
What can I do for you next? Well, I have a meeting with the bride and groom now.
Great.
I will come as your assistant.
It'll be perfect.
I will take notes, I will interrupt you with fake appointments to make you look cool, I will interrupt with fake phone calls oh.
Uh, Ms.
Perez, I have Susan Faludi on line one.
Yeah.
Who? Susan Faludi.
She wrote Backlash.
It was seminal.
Anyway please? I want to be helpful and productive.
Look how snappy I look.
Hmm.
An assistant would make me look fancy.
Okay, sure.
Let's do it.
NATHANIEL: Do it! Do it! Come on, five more.
You got this.
(straining): Oh, my arms are starting to burn.
Yeah.
That's just the fat crying out in pain.
Come on, you fat little boy.
You pudgy little blubber ball.
Mr.
Tubby Tubster! - That is so mean! - Yeah.
Three, - two one! Come on! - Ah - Impressive.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, thanks, man.
Get in there.
Here we go.
What do the spikes do, exactly? Well, they scare the fat out of your body.
- Ah.
- (clears throat) - (grunts) - There we go.
- Two.
- Come on, man.
Come on.
- Three.
- Attaboy.
Looking good.
Big push.
(grunts) Go! Go! Go! You call that effort, daddy's boy? Maybe if you burn off some of that disgusting, white jiggly fat, your father will finally love you! (shouts) There we go.
There we go.
(panting) You're good.
Thanks.
VALENCIA: Hello.
Rebecca? What are you doing here? Hey.
You-you guys know each other? Yeah.
Oh, Marty and I go way back.
He works at the market, dusting potatoes.
Not anymore.
I'm a produce manager now.
I like to say I'm a producer.
(laughter) Ooh.
Rebecca.
This is Ally.
Oh, my God You're marrying Ally? I heard you were in love with her, but she was into that rude grocery clerk.
The one who came to my party.
I'm not gonna say it, but the one with, you know.
Brody.
Yeah.
We broke up.
And Marty was there.
So here we are.
Isn't that a great story? Oh, I love when you tell it.
Mwah.
(grunts) MARTY: Sorry to hear about you and Josh, by the way.
Mrs.
Hernandez said it didn't work out.
You know Mrs.
Hernandez? She comes in on Thursdays, buys a single peach.
Strange woman.
So, anyway, back to me and my business.
Yes.
And your engagement party.
Yeah, we're on a budget.
I mean, I'm the bread manager at the market, so I make more than Marty.
So you're the breadwinner.
No.
I'm the bread manager.
Between us, we don't have that much dough.
(laughs) (chuckles) That's funny.
How is that funny? I think it's a bummer.
Don't you worry.
Your budget is not an issue, because we can do the event economically right here at Home Base.
I call it Beer and Brats at the Base.
A SoCal Oktoberfest without the nasty Germans.
Oktoberfests are very trendy right now.
I heard that Prince Harry and his Northwestern theater major fiancée love a good O-fest.
MARTY: Yeah.
That sounds really great.
Uh What do you think, Ally? Sure.
If that's what we can afford.
I mean, it's not like either of us manages the meat.
So neither of you brings home the bacon? No.
I don't like bacon, so he doesn't bring it home.
Oh, lady, you're killing me.
Babe, as long as we're celebrating our love, I don't care where we are.
I just want everyone to know we found each other.
- Mmm - Mmm Okay.
People are watching.
Oh.
That's enough.
VALENCIA: Excellent.
Great.
We'll keep in touch.
MARTY: We will.
I'm excited.
Bye, guys.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay.
What are we gonna do? - Uh ? - We can't plan that party.
That is a pass.
It's a clear pass.
What are you talking about? Eh, Valencia, did you not see them and their whole dynamic? I mean, she's only marrying him as some kind of rebound or consolation prize.
All I know is she does not love Marty.
First, I didn't notice that.
But even if you're right, then I hope they get married and we do their wedding, and then we do their ironic divorce parties, and then their second weddings.
That's how you build a business.
Oh, wha I I cannot believe you right now.
Really.
I can't believe, that, considering what you and I have been through with men, specifically Josh Chan, you would let someone marry a person that does not love them and might, oh, I don't know, leave them at the altar? That is not on us.
Not at all.
All right.
You know what? I signed up to do good and to help people.
And Marty needs my help now.
Where are you going? I am going to warn Marty, the way that I wish someone had warned me.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
You move, you die.
Also, everyone warned you.
Okay? Please.
This is my last shot to keep this business afloat.
You wanted to help me, please help me.
(insects chirping) (grunting, muttering) Of course he won, he's got God on his side.
Mm-hmm.
(laughs) (knocking) Is this the poker game? I wore a red hat as requested.
Red hat was a code.
Not a dress code? - No.
- Oops.
Okay.
I would like to turn this money into more money, please.
BRAH: I'll take that.
- Thank you.
- TIM: Yeah.
Let's do this.
Mama needs some new insulin.
(whoops) Actually, she really does.
Her blood sugar is all over the place.
Okay, belly up to the bar, boys.
Oh, I'm so scared, Father.
Oh, I am not Father tonight.
Tonight you will call me Daddy.
- Okay.
You ready? - Ooh.
Okay.
Day seven.
Time to face the music.
Yeah.
I'm ready.
All right.
(exhales sharply) Time to measure that body fat.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - This is insane.
- What do we got? You're down 1.
2%.
- What? Whoa! That is crazy.
- (laughs): Yeah.
That's like Efron territory.
That's like Baywatch Efron.
Not-not High School Musical dough-boy Efron.
- No.
- (blows raspberry) - Okay.
All right.
My turn.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
(clears throat) Here we go.
Yep.
- Oh, I'm nervous.
- Okay.
No, you got this.
- Oof.
- What? - Sorry, dude.
- Damn it! I ate a banana.
Why do they put bananas in the fruit section? They should be in the candy section.
I'm a candy-eating child.
- Yeah, no, this is bad.
- (groans) You're only down 1.
3%.
- What? Really? - (laughing): Yeah! - Yes, dude.
- You were, you were kidding just now? - I was kidding just now! - (whoops) - Come on! - Yeah! That means that we both beat our personal records.
Yes, we did! - (whoops) - Yeah! You know what we should do? We should get out there.
We should go get hit on.
Yeah, we should.
We should.
We can't keep this chiseled perfection locked away in here.
Mm-mm.
No, we should take these sculptures out on a walking tour.
Better yet, let's take these sculptures to a museum, put 'em on display.
We're talking about going to a bar, right? No, I thought we'd go to an actual museum, maybe take an audio tour, swing by the gift shop, buy a book, or something.
- Really? - Yeah, no, I'm talking about a bar.
- Oh.
- Come on.
Let's go, you sexy dum-dum.
Okay.
WOMAN: Eyes up! MAN: Foul ball! Ally's so cold and distant.
It's like she's got one foot out the door.
And have you noticed how Marty always texts us back, like, right away, but Ally only texts back things like busy or K or L, which I think is just a typo for K.
So what? (grunts) Valencia.
I just have a gut feeling.
Stop it, please.
This is all you've talked about for the past week.
Yeah, but I've only aired my doubts to you; I haven't said anything to Marty.
Because they are not real.
And even if they were, - I don't care.
- (Marty laughs) Now they're here.
Pull yourself together.
(exhales) Well, slap me with a schnitzel.
This looks amazing.
- Valencia, you outdid yourself.
- (phone vibrates) Ah.
- Didn't she, Ally? - (laughs) Sorry, it's the beverage manager.
He's kind of funny, but it's like, Why are you texting me? - I'm engaged.
- (laughs) Uh Wow.
(laughs) Say nothing.
(laughs) VALENCIA: Okay.
(exhales) So I told WiJo I was a volunteer fireman, but that's a lie.
You're not? I'm not totally a fireman.
Okay, so you're a, you're a partial fireman? Josh what job do you have? Wha it's not about the job, it's about my future.
- What do you mean? - I mean everyone around me seems to know what they want to be, and I don't.
It makes me feel so bad.
So, whenever I'm at my job, which, again, is somewhat but not completely like being a fireman Uh-huh.
I feel so sorry for myself.
Like, I want to cry.
Okay.
Well, there's nothing wrong with crying, man.
Especially for someone in your situation, which, you know, as I understand it, is being kind of sort of a paid volunteer fireman Mm-hmm.
things can get really rough.
Yeah.
- Yeah, they are.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
You get it.
Yeah.
And, dude, whatever you're doing, you look great.
(chuckles) Like, any actual fireman would be super happy to have your body.
Thanks.
It's hard to look this good.
Uh-huh.
(dance music playing) Whoa.
- Lot of dudes at this place.
- Yeah.
- Some are kissing.
- That's cool.
Oh, yeah, no, it's a gay bar.
Which is great for me, but it's also actually great for you, 'cause bachelorette parties, girls' nights out, girls who like to dance in a circle.
I don't know.
They're all here.
(whooping) Oh, yeah, look at this, huh? - Cool.
- No.
Not cool.
It's actually horrible.
Straight girls are ruining the best part about being gay.
This used to be the one place that belonged to us, but whatever.
Tonight it works for both of us.
So, uh, come on.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
(Tim sighs) DARRYL: Ooh! Ante, ante, show your fanny, make that money and turn it into honey.
We're not ante-ing, idiot.
Dude, you won last week.
- Should've just called it a day.
- BRAH: Yeah, also, if you act like that, no one's gonna feel bad about taking your money.
Oh, you're just sore, because last week, I won a K and a G, and some soon-to-be, God willing, Tubmans.
And this week I'm gonna double and triple that.
Papa needs a baby.
Someone is gonna knife you in the parking lot.
Okay.
Aces are up, deuces are wild.
Give me some money to buy my child! (laughs) (clears throat) That did not come out right.
I would never purchase a child.
I think that trafficking is society's greatest scourge.
Read 'em and weep.
Sevens and fives.
(groans) I got a flush.
ALL: Oh! - (laughter) - Oh.
Damn her and her lucky peach.
DARRYL: My egg money.
Oh, no.
(festive German music playing) I wrote a song for you.
It's called Punch the Time Card of My Heart.
Awesome.
I'd love to read it later.
Oh, I was gonna sing it.
Honey, there are people here.
(Heather groans) I hate how much I'm pulling this look off.
Wait, what are you doing? You're supposed to be passing out the wieners.
(laughs) Wieners.
But, so I'm the only one working? I know, I My services are needed elsewhere right now.
Rebecca.
What are you doing? Slap on a smile and pass out those sausages.
I see some frauleins and herrs without food.
Don't mess this up for me.
Later, hosen.
(sighs) - I'll be right back.
- Okay.
(ringtone plays) You're late.
When are you getting here? Bring someone, so it doesn't look suspicious.
(gasps) Dude.
That guy you were dancing with is hot.
(laughing): Yeah! Yeah.
- And your girl.
- Oh.
- Smoking.
- They want to go home with us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yep.
So why don't I want to? I don't know.
I don't want to, either.
Do you think it's because of our completely mutual breakups? (chuckles) Who are we kidding, dude? We got dumped.
Yeah.
We did.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Onion rings? Hundo P.
Hi.
BRODY: Marty and Ally.
At long last, your epic love story has reached fruition.
Fruit, produce? Grocery store okay.
No? Too smart? All right.
To continue, um, Ally, once you were mine, and then Marty here came and took you away, with his weird songs and his big hair, I guess? I mean, nobody gets it, right? But I think the important thing is that I had a very big part in your love story, and so I kind of feel like I don't understand.
What am I telling people? Just act like you're my date.
That's what I'm paying you for.
BRODY: What is this venue? It's like a sad restaurant attached to a batting cage? But they say love's a lot like a pretzel.
You know? It's twisty and it's turny, and once the salt's gone, it's pretty bland.
So, good luck, guys.
Anyways, speaking of Oktoberfest, who here loves Angela Merkel, huh? Chancellor? I hardly know her.
(laughs) Anyway, I'm single.
NATHANIEL: Those onion rings were disgusting.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah.
Being dumped sucks, man.
Worse than your pecs feel after, like, 50-pound flyes.
Oh, to me, it's more like how you feel after a one-rep squat PR.
Mm.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Excuse me? (laughing) Hi! Can you guys be sad somewhere else? Hi.
This is my girl Sherry.
She's wearing Spanx tonight 'cause we is out on the town.
All right? And me, I'm getting married, if you want to buy me a dranky-drank-drank-drank.
So, yeah, you guys are killing the vibe in here.
This bar is not for you, there are straight bars everywhere! Yeah, they're called bars.
Uh, God, what's their problem? (scoffs) They don't have problems.
Do you see how hot they are? Guys like this - don't have real problems.
Mm.
- (laughs) (women laughing) - No one understands.
- No one understands.
- One - Two One, two, three, four We know what people think when they see us That we're so hot, it's insane Ayne, ayne, ayne When we exit a pool We do it in slow motion But that don't mean we can't complain 'Cause fit, hot guys have problems, too Don't look at us We're not dancing for you This is our quiet, personal time to reflect Flect, flect, flect We both have almost no body fat But we're too bummed out to talk about that I know we look So much better than you But fit, hot guys have problems, too - Uh! - (crying) Everyone is at our sexual mercy Be them a mister Or miss Miss, miss, miss But when we're down on our knees No one has sympathy Because they only see this - And this - And this And this And this But what about this? 'Cause fit, hot guys have problems, too Don't look at us We're not dancing for you It's just hard To process emotions with our clothes on Clothes on, clothes on, clothes on Our pecs are perfect, but we have bad days So don't objectify us With your male and female gaze We have childhood traumas Just like you 'Cause fit, hot guys have problems, too Uh Give us back our shirts, you monsters.
Yeah, what's wrong with you?! - Come on, guys.
- Who's got it? (audience cheering, whistling) Uh, Josh? No.
Hold on, are you, are you actually here? Like, in reality? Uh, yeah.
This is my new job.
I'm a go-go dancer at this club.
That's what you meant by volunteer fireman.
Okay, got it.
You want to join our imaginary song and dance? Sure.
'Cause fit, hot guys have problems, too Don't look at us We're not dancing for you Leave us alone We have to twerk out our sad Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad Sad, sad We're expressing our pain Through the art of dance But we'll express so much better Without these pants There's so much pressure When you're a fit, hot guy So just let us ugly cry (crying) Let us ugly cry.
(crying) Oh, God! Oh! (all crying) Hey, have you seen Ally? Seen? Is that supposed to be an eye joke? No.
(Ally laughs) (sighs) Ahem.
(clears throat) Oh, yeah, it's classic drywall.
It's flat.
It's dry.
Uh it's a wall.
What is wrong with you? Why are you cheating on the person you're about to marry? God, you don't even seem to like him.
He doesn't deserve this.
He's a person.
I just want to be married.
All my friends are married.
I'm not ready for commitment.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting a stop to this.
Dude.
Why didn't you tell me you were working the pole? I'm not a stripper.
I'm a go-go dancer.
There's no pole.
Actually, I wish there was.
It would make the whole fireman thing a whole lot better.
Hmm.
I-I was embarrassed.
I-I didn't want to ruin your opinion of me.
You guys put me up on a pedestal and think I'm perfect.
No, no.
No one thinks that.
NATHANIEL: Hey, Josh.
Josh, this is Mona.
We know each other from Stanford.
Isn't that an amazing coincidence? She's here with her old sorority sisters doing a little scavenger hunt.
Seriously, they should just burn all these places down.
Hi, Joshes.
Nat, I'm gonna go say bye to my friends, okay? Okay.
You, uh, you going home with her? Yeah.
I figured why not? You know? I already gave her my boxers for the scavenger hunt, so I'm halfway there.
Yeah.
You going home? Uh yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
You sure? You don't want to go back inside and find someone, too? Oh, yeah, totally.
This place doesn't just have hot girls.
It also has tons of gay guys.
Huh? VALENCIA: Now let's hear from Marty's grandmother.
Aw.
Yay.
All right, give me that, Grandma.
- (guests booing) - MAN: Hey, come on.
But that's my grandma.
Oh, you know what, you should thank me.
She was gonna rap.
Oh, no.
Ally.
This toast is from me.
Sit your ass down, bitch.
(guests murmuring) (chuckles nervously) What's wrong? I'm here today to talk about love.
Love, uh can be an amazing thing.
And when you're in it, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
(clears throat) I've been doing a lot of thinking about love in general lately.
Uh And, ah, screw it.
I tried, Valencia.
I'm sorry.
Okay, Marty, Ally's cheating on you.
She's cheating on you with that guy over there, and it's very obvious, so it's a little on you for not noticing, but, Marty, I can't have this happen to you 'cause it happened to me and no one warned me.
Um, everyone warned her.
Like, everyone.
Okay, just Marty, I know this is a shock, and you love her, and that feels wonderful, and we tell ourselves that that feeling is some higher calling, but the truth is, Marty, love can hurt you and it can be very, very dangerous.
My obsession with love almost cost me my life.
So, I know this I know it hurts.
But, Marty, I just freed you.
You're free.
The rest of your life begins now.
Rebecca, I already knew about BevBro.
I-I've written 12 songs about it.
They include Two-Liter Two-Timer, Six Pack of Pain, and A Carbonated Crime.
I don't care.
I love her.
I'll take what I can get.
She makes me happy and that's all that matters.
And it's none of your business.
It's okay.
Oh, hey, Darryl.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
You're eating a plain cake donut? - Oh.
- What's wrong? I don't deserve sprinkles.
- What? - I gambled all my money away.
- Oh.
- (groans) You know why they call it beginner's luck? Because it doesn't work the second time you try it.
What's up with you? You don't look so hot yourself.
(sighing): It's the usual.
I'm just, I'm broken and terrible.
It turns out I'm not only good at ruining my own life, I'm really good at ruining other people's lives.
Oh.
I tried to help Valencia with her new business and I just I royally screwed up.
And she said she forgives me, but she's had to forgive me so many times at this point.
I really am the worst.
What? No, you're not.
You're no such thing.
You're actually one of my favorite people.
- Thank you.
- Top five.
Oh, Darryl.
You always make me feel better.
The first second I came here, you've been so nice to me.
I'd do anything for you.
You know that, right? Hey PAULA: Wow, really? You're donating an egg to Darryl? That's huge.
Is it, though? They're just gonna pop out one of my eggies, put it in someone else's oven, someone else will raise it.
It's a lot easier than teaching a poor person to read.
I mean, I don't mean poor.
Sorry.
- I mean dumb.
- Right.
Rebecca, I-I know you want to help Darryl, but how is this gonna affect your therapy? Have you talked to Dr.
Shin or your group? And is now the time to be shooting up hormones? I mean, your regular period is like the Northridge earthquake.
Lots of screaming and crying and broken dishes.
Paula, I hear your questions and concerns, but I promise you, I have thought this through.
Have you, though? No, not at all.