Curb Your Enthusiasm s04e01 Episode Script
Mel's Offer
Pasta, if you like, uh, very good.
What? Because of what? - Eh? - What? What's the sauce with the fish? What, what fish? He didn't even mention the fish.
- There was no fish.
- Was fish the second thing? I'll just have the I'll just have the first thing.
- Okay, and I'll have the second thing.
- Grazie.
They should write the thing down.
I don't know what he's talking about.
I've no idea what we just ordered.
So guess what's coming up in a few months? I'm sure it's been on your mind.
Our anniversary.
- 10 years.
- 10-year anniversary.
Boy, they just flew right by, didn't they? So, listen, I know what I want.
I would like and just keep an open mind.
- So remember our - Is it ever closed? - Hmm-mm.
- Has it ever been closed to anything? Okay.
Um I would like for us to renew our vows and have a real wedding ceremony.
You got it.
- Yeah.
- Are you serious? - Nothing big, small.
- Okay, no no, yeah.
- Friends, family that kind of thing.
- Right.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe you just said yes to that.
I'll tell you what, you just built it all up.
I did.
I didn't know how I was gonna bring it up, but thank you.
- You thought it was gonna be a fight.
- Yeah yeah.
Now let's talk about my 10th anniversary present.
All right.
What would you like? I believe my present has already been agreed upon.
- Really? - Yes.
- It's not ringing a bell? - What are you talking about? - We already talked about it? - Here, at this restaurant.
- Really? - 10 years ago, before we got married.
In these seats.
Same seats.
I feel like we're married already.
We're just making it legal.
It's just gonna be, you know, permanent And My friends think I'm crazy, but I do.
I just Wait a minute.
They think you're crazy? How dare they? Well, that's what I say.
Which friends think you're crazy? I don't want to name names, but look it's working, right? Who, Julie? She thinks she thinks you're crazy? I just think that we should be a family, you know? We should share the same last name.
I want to be Cheryl David.
- What do you want to be a David for? - I want to be your wife Davids want to be out of being Davids.
I don't want to be a David, I have to be a David.
But if you don't have to be a David, why be a David? I feel like I have to be a David.
Is it are you worried about not being able to have sex with someone else for the rest of your life? Is that what? - Where did you get that? No.
- Because you know what? Okay okay.
How about if we get married now like, right now for our 10-year anniversary, you can have sex with someone else? What?! If that's your hold up here, then let's just do that.
Come on, you're not gonna let me do that.
- What are you saying that for? - I will.
Just sex one time.
It's not a big deal.
- Oh, right! - Aha-aah.
- Right.
- Aah.
- I can't believe you remember that.
- Yes, I did remember.
Wow, you have a good memory.
For some things.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, for some things.
All right, well, all right.
Then I said you could have sex with somebody and you should do that.
It's our 10th anniversary.
- You should do it.
- I'm joking.
I'm not gonna do it.
- I'm not gonna hold you up to it.
- No, you should.
I said it 10 years ago.
You should go out and have sex with someone.
- No no, it's nice, but - No no no no.
thank you.
That's sweet that you wanted you know.
- I'm insisting on it.
- You want to keep your word.
No, because if you think you can have sex with somebody else, then you should do that.
What does that mean? You're gonna go up and "Hey, lady.
I'm Larry David And my wife said I could have sex with somebody tonight.
" - First of all, I'm insulted, okay? - You are? Even if I wanted to, you don't think I'm capable of it.
No, I don't think you're capable of it.
I really don't.
That's why I think you, um - So if I do this - Hmm-mm.
Just so there's no misunderstanding here, - it's okay with you? - Hmm-mm.
If you find somebody and say, "hey" - I don't want to hear any crying.
- No.
and say, "I can't believe you did that.
- Why did you do that?" Huh? - No, I would not be crying.
Oh boy, all right.
Well, thank you.
- Thank you for my anniversary present.
- You're welcome.
How long do I have to do this? You have until our anniversary and that's it.
Good luck.
I just hope Jeff is gonna be at that karaoke party Because I have got a lot to say to that young man.
Listen, maybe we should skip the karaoke party.
Why do you want to skip karaoke? - Oh, it's horrible.
Why don't we just - Horrible? Listen, why don't we go home and I'll I'll make it worth your while.
I kind of wanna go to karaoke.
Oh my god.
# Just in time # # Found you just in time # # Before you came, my time # Do you know married men everywhere, that's their dream that their wife says, "Yeah, go ahead.
" What's Mel doing here? Frank's been in, like, two of his movies.
- You didn't know that? - Oh They're old friends.
# My bridges all were crossed # # Nowhere to go # This is great! You got permission.
Come on, man.
She actually challenged me to do it.
- Damn it, man, do it! - She was laughing at me.
You've got to, man.
Whom I am supposed to do this with? I don't know, there's got to be somebody you thought about.
That doesn't mean I could walk up to them and do anything.
But now you've got permission.
This is the thing that I'm the worst at in the world, this.
This and drawing.
It's a big thing to do.
How could I do that? Do you think I could do it? - Yeah, huh? What about it? - Yeah, go, Daddy-o, go.
- Practice.
It's a start, go.
- Okay, fine.
Yeah.
You want to see how inept I really am, huh? - I want to see you in action.
- Do you want to see this? Just go.
Yeah, go make a move.
Show me.
Just practice.
I'll watch.
Go ahead.
# Hey, now you're here # # And now I know just where I'm going # - Do you like karaoke? - Yeah.
It's good, you know.
Something to do at night.
What can you do at night? Bowling, movies.
It's like a third thing to do after bowling and the movies.
I don't know if you bowl.
I don't go that often, But it's fun, it's fun.
You can't find a ball, that's the problem.
I don't know, maybe you own a bowling ball.
I don't own one.
My whole life, every time I'm in a bowling alley Sticking my fingers in all these holes, picking up the balls.
You gotta get your own ball.
I don't bowl enough to get my own ball.
It takes up a lot of space in the house.
You keep looking at it in the closet going, "What I am doing with a bowling ball? I don't even bowl.
" You know what I mean? So you don't want to get rid of the ball.
How do you get rid of a bowling ball? Think about that.
Who do you give a bowling ball to? Nobody bowls.
The thing, it only fits your fingers.
You throw a bowling ball in the garbage can, you know what that sanitation man's gonna do? He's gonna knock on your door, that's how upset he's gonna be.
He's gonna say, "Who the fuck threw a bowling ball in the garbage? Okay, all right.
I'm around town.
# Then you changed my lonely life # How did it go? # That lucky day # # Hey, my lonely, lonely life # # That lucky day.
# Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Come on, everybody.
Put it together! Mel Brooks.
How about that? That was fantastic.
All right, now, who wants to go next? Anyone? - Look, hey, Larry David.
- Oh, come on.
What do you say, Larry? - Come up and give us a song? - Oh come on.
- Come on, Lar.
- You gotta be kidding.
- Come on.
- Are you crazy? Oh, would you stop? Oh, you people Oh, me? No.
I can't do it.
All right.
Oh, shut up! All right, all right.
# I've been away from you a long time # # I never thought I'd miss you so # # Somehow I feel your love is real # # Swanee, you're calling me you crazy river # # Swanee # # How I love you, how I love you # # My dear old Swanee # So what do you think Mel Brooks wants? I have no idea.
Usually I know.
- He called out of the clear blue sky? - Out of the clear blue sky.
He's one of my idols, you know? I know he is.
That's why I was excited for you.
- Hey! - I'll call I'll call you back.
- What the hell are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? What the fuck? I'm trying to walk.
While you're talking on a cell phone? You almost killed me, douche bag! You cut right in front of me talking on the phone? There's a law against talking on a cell phone? No, you can't, not while you're wheeling around.
You almost hit my car.
I'm trying to get to my car, you fuckin' Learn how to drive that thing.
- Piss off, you douche bag.
You pussy.
- Asshole! Piss off! Hey, - Look at this.
- Yeah? Wow, there's money in here.
Larry David, Jeff Greene to see Mel.
He'll be with you in a second.
Have a seat.
You know what? I found this thing in the lobby.
Oh.
I don't know what the deal is.
Uh, actually this belongs to Dennis.
He does the computers in the building.
It probably fell out of his chair this morning.
- Chair? - Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.
I'll bet that's the guy.
You know that? A guy in a wheelchair cut right in front of my car in the parking lot.
I almost hit him.
The guy was talking on his cell phone.
Yeah, well, he's in a he's in a wheelchair.
Yeah, I know.
It's a moving vehicle.
There's got to be some kind of regulations I would think, - even for people in electric chairs.
- Hmm-mm.
He's motoring along.
You don't need to be talking on a cell phone.
It's dangerous.
Mel will be right out.
- "Names 4 Babies"? Is that you? - Yes.
Yes, actually my partner and I are adopting a baby.
You got yourself a partner.
- I got a wife.
- Hmm.
Not exactly a partner.
More like a rival.
You know what I mean? It's a rivalry.
I wish I could say this is my partner.
So let me ask you, you got any you got any names picked out? Uh, actually we do.
- Is it a boy? What are you adopting? - It's a boy, And we are adopting him from China.
- Ah, adopting from China.
- Hmm-mm.
Chinese names.
Do I know any Chinese names? Well you got, uh you got Wang from the Good Earth.
Remember Wang Lung? Wang isn't a bad first name.
Wang? Then you got the whole Ang family.
Fang, Bang Tang.
Tang is not actually a bad name, 'cause it's like China but it's it's not China.
It's a juice is what it is.
Tang Is that so bad naming a kid after a juice? Maybe that's not so bad.
But it has Chinese overtones Tang.
- But yet there's a - Tang - You got a little jolt with it.
- Hmm-mm, yeah.
I don't think that would go over too well with the schoolkids.
Uh, that's gonna be the least of his problems, no? Mel will be right with you.
You know what? I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
Oh my God, what Larry! Larry David.
Oh my God! Ooh, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry.
- Is it bad? Is it bad? - No, it'll be all right.
- Is it bad? - No, let me get some help.
- Is it bad? - Don't move.
Don't move.
Oh, my God hurry up.
Hi.
Jeff Greene.
I'm a patient of Dr.
Morrison's.
- I called about Larry David.
- Oh yeah.
Just sign in and the doctor will be with you in a minute.
Oh.
Do I actually have to put my name on this thing? Yes.
Yeah.
I generally don't like to put my name on these lists.
- People come in, they see your name.
- Just just sign in.
Just sign in.
I don't like having my name on these lists.
Then sign Ben Vereen.
Who cares what you sign? Come on.
Your head's bleeding.
Just sign in! Yes.
- Hello? - Dude.
- What are you doing? - What? What are you calling me on the doctor's phone for- I'm bored to death in here.
Don't use the doctor's phone.
That's not right.
- What's the big deal? - They don't like it.
Well, I just thought I'd give you a call, See what's up, how you're doing.
What are you reading? - "Men's Fest Fitness.
" - "Men's Fitness"? Yeah, about America's fattest cities.
Oh, you know what? There's the doctor.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
I will, uh, I'll talk to you later.
That was Jeff.
You're not supposed to use that phone.
Sorry.
It was a local call.
You're not supposed to use the phone.
It doesn't matter whether it was a local or a long distance call.
We just don't want people using that phone, okay? - What's the big deal, if I may ask? - It's no big deal.
What's the problem? There is no problem.
We just don't want people using that phone.
I don't understand why not, though.
Why couldn't I use it? Well, you could use it.
You obviously did.
We don't want you to use it, though.
With all due respect, I don't understand the rule.
I don't see what the big deal is.
The history of how we arrived at that Is so complex that I won't even bore you with it.
Just let it be said that we don't allow anyone To use the phones in the examination rooms.
I just don't see how it's hurting anybody.
It's not hurting anybody.
We just have a rule.
You don't use the doctor's phone.
I just don't understand what the reason is.
You're saying not to use it, but what's the reason? I don't understand why you have to know the reason.
I'm just trying to understand why you decided that.
It seems very capricious to me.
You know, it's hard to make a rule that takes in all the contingencies.
So we just have a rule.
Don't use the phone.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Understood.
- All right.
Glad you understand it.
So what happened to you? Let's have a look.
I got hit by a door.
Wow.
Sit down, will you? Mel Brooks is coming out of a bathroom And he a swinging door hit me.
- Yeah, Mel Brooks, huh? - Yeah.
- Is it the Mel Brooks? The funny guy? - Uh-huh.
I like Mel Brooks.
I'm a big fan.
Lay down, will you? - Yeah, he's great.
- Put your head on the pillow.
I have tickets for his play "The Producers.
" - Oh really? - Yeah.
- I hear it's great.
- So do I.
Boy this is a kind of a nasty cut.
All right, I think all we have to do here is clean this up and put in a few stitches.
- Oh really? - Hmm-mm.
Oh, okay.
Again I'm sorry about the the phone stuff.
Oh, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Just if you're ever in a doctor's office again, don't use the phone.
Yeah, it just seems like an odd policy to me, though.
It's a rule that is universal in examination rooms.
- You don't use the phone.
- The rule doesn't make any sense.
- It makes sense to us.
- Okay, fine.
We don't have many rules here.
That's one of them.
It seems odd, though, that if you're making a local call that anybody would care, but whatever.
It's not the expense of the call we're concerned about.
I don't know if you've ever had stitches before, but there is a slight bit of pain involved.
Nothing more, I would say, than a little prick.
Yeah, there's definitely a prick involved.
Uh, yes, there is a prick involved.
Yeah, there's one prick involved.
Yeah, I'd say there is one prick involved.
I agree.
I'm not a doctor, but I agree there is one prick.
Yep.
And the more I look at this, I think this is pretty minor.
What the hell? You drooled on me! So have you thought about anybody for the 10th anniversary present? I have been thinking about it.
And? You know, I got three months.
I'm gonna take my time and wait wait for the right one.
And you, my fat friend, will be the first to know.
All right, good.
I should be.
My big fat friend.
Hmm, fatso Yeah, fatso.
Oh, hey.
Did you get your wallet? - Yeah.
How did you know about that? - I found it.
- Wait.
You're the guy from the car.
- Yeah.
Joanne gave it to me in Mel Brooks's office.
Yeah right, right.
I gave it to her.
That's not what she said.
- Wait.
She said she found that wallet? - Yes.
That's an exact quote, "I found this"? She said she found the wallet, gave it to me and I gave her 100 bucks.
Seriously, you should worry a little bit less about the wallet And maybe maintain a little focus on your driving skills, buddy.
Hello.
Jeff Greene, Larry David to see Mel.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You know, I ran into the guy in the wheelchair downstairs.
Your friend, Dennis.
He told me that you said that you found the wallet, and he gave you $100 reward? What's up with that? - How dare you come in here - How dare I? and accuse me - Hey, what's going on? This is the guy that I told you about.
Oh, you got a problem with our lifestyle? - That we want to adopt a baby? - Not at all.
Yeah.
You need a good fuckin' ass kicking.
That's what you need! You want to name our baby Tang?! You think it's good to name a kid after a breakfast drink?! We don't think that's a good name! Do you understand that? - I understand.
- Damn fucking right! You apologize to her.
You apologize now! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing here anyway? I got a meeting with Mel Brooks.
- Well, you're here.
You came.
- Yes.
And I guess you're wondering why I called you.
Kind of, yeah.
Do you remember the other night I sang at the karaoke club and then you got up? - Yeah, he was great.
- The audience went pretty wild for me and then you sang "Swanee" and they went crazy.
And when you sang, I was absolutely floored.
I mean, l you think l - Really? - No no, I couldn't get over it.
And bang bang, something went off in me.
In a couple of months, the guy playing Max Bialystock will be going out on the road, leaving an empty slot called Max Bialystock, the leading character in "The Producers.
" I want you, Larry David, to be the next Max Bialystock on Broadway.
I would like you to play the lead in "The Producers.
" When this thing goes off, I'm never wrong the guy has to be l l I don't, I mean, I'm I don't know what to say, I'm - Were you great? - Well, Mel, I mean, you know - He was great.
- a Broadway show I've never I'm not, like a theater actor.
When we made the movie of "The Producers," The guy that played Carmen Ghia was this incredible, talented greek actor.
His name is Andreas, Andreas Voutsinas.
And Andreas used to say to me "Or you got it or you ain't.
" I said, "Andreas, you can't start a sentence with 'or.
"' He said, "Never mind.
Or you got it, or you ain't.
" You got it, Larry.
- You got it, Larry.
- You got it, mister.
Mr.
Brooks is right, my friend, you got it.
Oh, by the way, Ben Stiller will be taking over at the same time.
So it will be Larry David and Ben Stiller.
I got a great idea.
Go to the show tonight.
See the show.
Let it get into your pores, let it get into your system.
I'm telling you I'm never wrong.
I am never wrong.
I know it sounds crazy to you.
I know it sounds insane.
- It doesn't sound crazy to me.
- You were born to do it.
- It sounds like a joke.
- No joke here.
It's like Allen Funt or Jamie Kennedy's gonna come walking through the door.
You were born to do it.
Just see the show tonight, see what happens.
See what happens and then let this all come back to you.
Okay? - You're gonna do it.
It's gonna happen.
- He's going to do it.
Okay, Jeff, tell him in the elevator.
Tell him how great he is.
- Gentlemen, a pleasure.
- Take care.
I did all the plays in high school.
I swear to God.
They gave me the lead, every one.
Are your M4 and M5? Are those your house seats? They'll be there.
Pick 'em up at the box office.
- Larry David, yeah.
- Thank you.
Giant fuckin' mistake if I say so right to your face.
- Okay, Zero Mostel - Yeah, I know.
I know what you're gonna say.
Nathan Lane, Jason Alexander and Larry David? - Come on, Mel.
- Trust me.
When I know, I know.
And this time, I know.
Thank you very much.
All right.
What's wrong? Aw, this thing's killing me.
You know, I'm gonna take a painkiller, I think.
- I don't think you should do that.
- Why? - Don't they make you tired? - So what? It's killing me.
It really hurts.
How are you gonna take it without water? - I don't know.
Pop it in.
- Maybe you should wait.
Okay okay.
Okay, Larry.
- Did you get it? - Yeah, I got it.
Ben Stiller? - Yeah, I think that is.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hey, how are you doing? - Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
- We met that one time at the - Hi.
- Hi, Ben.
- Oh good, thank you.
- Nice to see you.
- You okay? - Yeah, what happened? Mel Brooks hit me with a bathroom door.
Cut my head.
- I know, it sounds like a joke.
- Really? What, were you talking to him? I met him today.
Oh, you met him today? So he told me you're doing the show.
I am, yeah.
I'm doing the show.
So you were talking to him about maybe - He - Yeah He offered me the Max Bialystock.
Yeah, I know.
- It was a little shocking to me too.
- What?! You mean, he actually offered - Yeah.
- Really? Offered him the I know.
- That is - Crazy! Are you guys just going cra Because it took him a long time to make this decision.
- Well, yeah, we - Can I ask you something.
You act? - I know you're - No, I don't.
Yeah, and you sing? I don't do anything, really.
They'll have to teach me.
- Right, right.
- He saw me in a karaoke bar.
- Wow.
- You're fucking with me, right? No, it's true, but I'm still thinking about it.
- I haven't made up my mind.
- You should think about it.
Honey, actually I see Brian and Lee.
We should go say hi.
- Bless you.
- Gesundheit.
Good to see you.
See you later.
- Well, whatever happens happens.
- Good to see you.
Lar, good luck.
This is a big decision.
Take care.
I'll watch it tonight and think about it.
- Good luck.
Whatever happens, it'll - Ben, so good to see you.
And we'll talk about apartments if you need to.
- I'm sure we'll all gonna be seeing - I know.
- I'll check it out.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
- What is wrong with you? - What are you talking about? Why didn't you shake his hand? He put his hand out for you.
He sneezed all over his hand.
- But he just sneezed on it.
- How rude is that? He didn't notice anything.
- He put his hand out to shake.
- Oh, please.
Of course he noticed that.
Everyone noticed that.
I'm not going to shake his hand.
It's got snot all over it, come on.
Partners, Leo, all the way.
And nothing or no one will ever come between us.
Nothing or no one, Max.
- Come in.
- Come in.
I'm back down from the pills.
Oh, about our 10th anniversary present - Okay.
it's - It's fine if you want out of it.
- No.
Believe me, I will not think any less of you.
No, I don't want to get out of it.
A deal's a deal.
I just want to tell you that there's a few ground rules that we need to talk about, okay? Okay, rule number one is, it's a one time only.
Okay, one time only.
And there's a deadline.
It's our anniversary at midnight, then it's over.
Yeah, kind of like Cinderella.
- And by the way - Yeah? - If I do this show on Broadway? - yeah.
My opening night is the same night as our anniversary.
Really? That would be fun.
# When you got it, flaunt it # # Show your assets, let them know you're proud # What do you think? You think you want to do the show? # Stick your chest out, shake your tush # # When you go in # You know, maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
# When you got it #
What? Because of what? - Eh? - What? What's the sauce with the fish? What, what fish? He didn't even mention the fish.
- There was no fish.
- Was fish the second thing? I'll just have the I'll just have the first thing.
- Okay, and I'll have the second thing.
- Grazie.
They should write the thing down.
I don't know what he's talking about.
I've no idea what we just ordered.
So guess what's coming up in a few months? I'm sure it's been on your mind.
Our anniversary.
- 10 years.
- 10-year anniversary.
Boy, they just flew right by, didn't they? So, listen, I know what I want.
I would like and just keep an open mind.
- So remember our - Is it ever closed? - Hmm-mm.
- Has it ever been closed to anything? Okay.
Um I would like for us to renew our vows and have a real wedding ceremony.
You got it.
- Yeah.
- Are you serious? - Nothing big, small.
- Okay, no no, yeah.
- Friends, family that kind of thing.
- Right.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe you just said yes to that.
I'll tell you what, you just built it all up.
I did.
I didn't know how I was gonna bring it up, but thank you.
- You thought it was gonna be a fight.
- Yeah yeah.
Now let's talk about my 10th anniversary present.
All right.
What would you like? I believe my present has already been agreed upon.
- Really? - Yes.
- It's not ringing a bell? - What are you talking about? - We already talked about it? - Here, at this restaurant.
- Really? - 10 years ago, before we got married.
In these seats.
Same seats.
I feel like we're married already.
We're just making it legal.
It's just gonna be, you know, permanent And My friends think I'm crazy, but I do.
I just Wait a minute.
They think you're crazy? How dare they? Well, that's what I say.
Which friends think you're crazy? I don't want to name names, but look it's working, right? Who, Julie? She thinks she thinks you're crazy? I just think that we should be a family, you know? We should share the same last name.
I want to be Cheryl David.
- What do you want to be a David for? - I want to be your wife Davids want to be out of being Davids.
I don't want to be a David, I have to be a David.
But if you don't have to be a David, why be a David? I feel like I have to be a David.
Is it are you worried about not being able to have sex with someone else for the rest of your life? Is that what? - Where did you get that? No.
- Because you know what? Okay okay.
How about if we get married now like, right now for our 10-year anniversary, you can have sex with someone else? What?! If that's your hold up here, then let's just do that.
Come on, you're not gonna let me do that.
- What are you saying that for? - I will.
Just sex one time.
It's not a big deal.
- Oh, right! - Aha-aah.
- Right.
- Aah.
- I can't believe you remember that.
- Yes, I did remember.
Wow, you have a good memory.
For some things.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, for some things.
All right, well, all right.
Then I said you could have sex with somebody and you should do that.
It's our 10th anniversary.
- You should do it.
- I'm joking.
I'm not gonna do it.
- I'm not gonna hold you up to it.
- No, you should.
I said it 10 years ago.
You should go out and have sex with someone.
- No no, it's nice, but - No no no no.
thank you.
That's sweet that you wanted you know.
- I'm insisting on it.
- You want to keep your word.
No, because if you think you can have sex with somebody else, then you should do that.
What does that mean? You're gonna go up and "Hey, lady.
I'm Larry David And my wife said I could have sex with somebody tonight.
" - First of all, I'm insulted, okay? - You are? Even if I wanted to, you don't think I'm capable of it.
No, I don't think you're capable of it.
I really don't.
That's why I think you, um - So if I do this - Hmm-mm.
Just so there's no misunderstanding here, - it's okay with you? - Hmm-mm.
If you find somebody and say, "hey" - I don't want to hear any crying.
- No.
and say, "I can't believe you did that.
- Why did you do that?" Huh? - No, I would not be crying.
Oh boy, all right.
Well, thank you.
- Thank you for my anniversary present.
- You're welcome.
How long do I have to do this? You have until our anniversary and that's it.
Good luck.
I just hope Jeff is gonna be at that karaoke party Because I have got a lot to say to that young man.
Listen, maybe we should skip the karaoke party.
Why do you want to skip karaoke? - Oh, it's horrible.
Why don't we just - Horrible? Listen, why don't we go home and I'll I'll make it worth your while.
I kind of wanna go to karaoke.
Oh my god.
# Just in time # # Found you just in time # # Before you came, my time # Do you know married men everywhere, that's their dream that their wife says, "Yeah, go ahead.
" What's Mel doing here? Frank's been in, like, two of his movies.
- You didn't know that? - Oh They're old friends.
# My bridges all were crossed # # Nowhere to go # This is great! You got permission.
Come on, man.
She actually challenged me to do it.
- Damn it, man, do it! - She was laughing at me.
You've got to, man.
Whom I am supposed to do this with? I don't know, there's got to be somebody you thought about.
That doesn't mean I could walk up to them and do anything.
But now you've got permission.
This is the thing that I'm the worst at in the world, this.
This and drawing.
It's a big thing to do.
How could I do that? Do you think I could do it? - Yeah, huh? What about it? - Yeah, go, Daddy-o, go.
- Practice.
It's a start, go.
- Okay, fine.
Yeah.
You want to see how inept I really am, huh? - I want to see you in action.
- Do you want to see this? Just go.
Yeah, go make a move.
Show me.
Just practice.
I'll watch.
Go ahead.
# Hey, now you're here # # And now I know just where I'm going # - Do you like karaoke? - Yeah.
It's good, you know.
Something to do at night.
What can you do at night? Bowling, movies.
It's like a third thing to do after bowling and the movies.
I don't know if you bowl.
I don't go that often, But it's fun, it's fun.
You can't find a ball, that's the problem.
I don't know, maybe you own a bowling ball.
I don't own one.
My whole life, every time I'm in a bowling alley Sticking my fingers in all these holes, picking up the balls.
You gotta get your own ball.
I don't bowl enough to get my own ball.
It takes up a lot of space in the house.
You keep looking at it in the closet going, "What I am doing with a bowling ball? I don't even bowl.
" You know what I mean? So you don't want to get rid of the ball.
How do you get rid of a bowling ball? Think about that.
Who do you give a bowling ball to? Nobody bowls.
The thing, it only fits your fingers.
You throw a bowling ball in the garbage can, you know what that sanitation man's gonna do? He's gonna knock on your door, that's how upset he's gonna be.
He's gonna say, "Who the fuck threw a bowling ball in the garbage? Okay, all right.
I'm around town.
# Then you changed my lonely life # How did it go? # That lucky day # # Hey, my lonely, lonely life # # That lucky day.
# Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Come on, everybody.
Put it together! Mel Brooks.
How about that? That was fantastic.
All right, now, who wants to go next? Anyone? - Look, hey, Larry David.
- Oh, come on.
What do you say, Larry? - Come up and give us a song? - Oh come on.
- Come on, Lar.
- You gotta be kidding.
- Come on.
- Are you crazy? Oh, would you stop? Oh, you people Oh, me? No.
I can't do it.
All right.
Oh, shut up! All right, all right.
# I've been away from you a long time # # I never thought I'd miss you so # # Somehow I feel your love is real # # Swanee, you're calling me you crazy river # # Swanee # # How I love you, how I love you # # My dear old Swanee # So what do you think Mel Brooks wants? I have no idea.
Usually I know.
- He called out of the clear blue sky? - Out of the clear blue sky.
He's one of my idols, you know? I know he is.
That's why I was excited for you.
- Hey! - I'll call I'll call you back.
- What the hell are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? What the fuck? I'm trying to walk.
While you're talking on a cell phone? You almost killed me, douche bag! You cut right in front of me talking on the phone? There's a law against talking on a cell phone? No, you can't, not while you're wheeling around.
You almost hit my car.
I'm trying to get to my car, you fuckin' Learn how to drive that thing.
- Piss off, you douche bag.
You pussy.
- Asshole! Piss off! Hey, - Look at this.
- Yeah? Wow, there's money in here.
Larry David, Jeff Greene to see Mel.
He'll be with you in a second.
Have a seat.
You know what? I found this thing in the lobby.
Oh.
I don't know what the deal is.
Uh, actually this belongs to Dennis.
He does the computers in the building.
It probably fell out of his chair this morning.
- Chair? - Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.
I'll bet that's the guy.
You know that? A guy in a wheelchair cut right in front of my car in the parking lot.
I almost hit him.
The guy was talking on his cell phone.
Yeah, well, he's in a he's in a wheelchair.
Yeah, I know.
It's a moving vehicle.
There's got to be some kind of regulations I would think, - even for people in electric chairs.
- Hmm-mm.
He's motoring along.
You don't need to be talking on a cell phone.
It's dangerous.
Mel will be right out.
- "Names 4 Babies"? Is that you? - Yes.
Yes, actually my partner and I are adopting a baby.
You got yourself a partner.
- I got a wife.
- Hmm.
Not exactly a partner.
More like a rival.
You know what I mean? It's a rivalry.
I wish I could say this is my partner.
So let me ask you, you got any you got any names picked out? Uh, actually we do.
- Is it a boy? What are you adopting? - It's a boy, And we are adopting him from China.
- Ah, adopting from China.
- Hmm-mm.
Chinese names.
Do I know any Chinese names? Well you got, uh you got Wang from the Good Earth.
Remember Wang Lung? Wang isn't a bad first name.
Wang? Then you got the whole Ang family.
Fang, Bang Tang.
Tang is not actually a bad name, 'cause it's like China but it's it's not China.
It's a juice is what it is.
Tang Is that so bad naming a kid after a juice? Maybe that's not so bad.
But it has Chinese overtones Tang.
- But yet there's a - Tang - You got a little jolt with it.
- Hmm-mm, yeah.
I don't think that would go over too well with the schoolkids.
Uh, that's gonna be the least of his problems, no? Mel will be right with you.
You know what? I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
Oh my God, what Larry! Larry David.
Oh my God! Ooh, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry.
- Is it bad? Is it bad? - No, it'll be all right.
- Is it bad? - No, let me get some help.
- Is it bad? - Don't move.
Don't move.
Oh, my God hurry up.
Hi.
Jeff Greene.
I'm a patient of Dr.
Morrison's.
- I called about Larry David.
- Oh yeah.
Just sign in and the doctor will be with you in a minute.
Oh.
Do I actually have to put my name on this thing? Yes.
Yeah.
I generally don't like to put my name on these lists.
- People come in, they see your name.
- Just just sign in.
Just sign in.
I don't like having my name on these lists.
Then sign Ben Vereen.
Who cares what you sign? Come on.
Your head's bleeding.
Just sign in! Yes.
- Hello? - Dude.
- What are you doing? - What? What are you calling me on the doctor's phone for- I'm bored to death in here.
Don't use the doctor's phone.
That's not right.
- What's the big deal? - They don't like it.
Well, I just thought I'd give you a call, See what's up, how you're doing.
What are you reading? - "Men's Fest Fitness.
" - "Men's Fitness"? Yeah, about America's fattest cities.
Oh, you know what? There's the doctor.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
I will, uh, I'll talk to you later.
That was Jeff.
You're not supposed to use that phone.
Sorry.
It was a local call.
You're not supposed to use the phone.
It doesn't matter whether it was a local or a long distance call.
We just don't want people using that phone, okay? - What's the big deal, if I may ask? - It's no big deal.
What's the problem? There is no problem.
We just don't want people using that phone.
I don't understand why not, though.
Why couldn't I use it? Well, you could use it.
You obviously did.
We don't want you to use it, though.
With all due respect, I don't understand the rule.
I don't see what the big deal is.
The history of how we arrived at that Is so complex that I won't even bore you with it.
Just let it be said that we don't allow anyone To use the phones in the examination rooms.
I just don't see how it's hurting anybody.
It's not hurting anybody.
We just have a rule.
You don't use the doctor's phone.
I just don't understand what the reason is.
You're saying not to use it, but what's the reason? I don't understand why you have to know the reason.
I'm just trying to understand why you decided that.
It seems very capricious to me.
You know, it's hard to make a rule that takes in all the contingencies.
So we just have a rule.
Don't use the phone.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Understood.
- All right.
Glad you understand it.
So what happened to you? Let's have a look.
I got hit by a door.
Wow.
Sit down, will you? Mel Brooks is coming out of a bathroom And he a swinging door hit me.
- Yeah, Mel Brooks, huh? - Yeah.
- Is it the Mel Brooks? The funny guy? - Uh-huh.
I like Mel Brooks.
I'm a big fan.
Lay down, will you? - Yeah, he's great.
- Put your head on the pillow.
I have tickets for his play "The Producers.
" - Oh really? - Yeah.
- I hear it's great.
- So do I.
Boy this is a kind of a nasty cut.
All right, I think all we have to do here is clean this up and put in a few stitches.
- Oh really? - Hmm-mm.
Oh, okay.
Again I'm sorry about the the phone stuff.
Oh, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Just if you're ever in a doctor's office again, don't use the phone.
Yeah, it just seems like an odd policy to me, though.
It's a rule that is universal in examination rooms.
- You don't use the phone.
- The rule doesn't make any sense.
- It makes sense to us.
- Okay, fine.
We don't have many rules here.
That's one of them.
It seems odd, though, that if you're making a local call that anybody would care, but whatever.
It's not the expense of the call we're concerned about.
I don't know if you've ever had stitches before, but there is a slight bit of pain involved.
Nothing more, I would say, than a little prick.
Yeah, there's definitely a prick involved.
Uh, yes, there is a prick involved.
Yeah, there's one prick involved.
Yeah, I'd say there is one prick involved.
I agree.
I'm not a doctor, but I agree there is one prick.
Yep.
And the more I look at this, I think this is pretty minor.
What the hell? You drooled on me! So have you thought about anybody for the 10th anniversary present? I have been thinking about it.
And? You know, I got three months.
I'm gonna take my time and wait wait for the right one.
And you, my fat friend, will be the first to know.
All right, good.
I should be.
My big fat friend.
Hmm, fatso Yeah, fatso.
Oh, hey.
Did you get your wallet? - Yeah.
How did you know about that? - I found it.
- Wait.
You're the guy from the car.
- Yeah.
Joanne gave it to me in Mel Brooks's office.
Yeah right, right.
I gave it to her.
That's not what she said.
- Wait.
She said she found that wallet? - Yes.
That's an exact quote, "I found this"? She said she found the wallet, gave it to me and I gave her 100 bucks.
Seriously, you should worry a little bit less about the wallet And maybe maintain a little focus on your driving skills, buddy.
Hello.
Jeff Greene, Larry David to see Mel.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You know, I ran into the guy in the wheelchair downstairs.
Your friend, Dennis.
He told me that you said that you found the wallet, and he gave you $100 reward? What's up with that? - How dare you come in here - How dare I? and accuse me - Hey, what's going on? This is the guy that I told you about.
Oh, you got a problem with our lifestyle? - That we want to adopt a baby? - Not at all.
Yeah.
You need a good fuckin' ass kicking.
That's what you need! You want to name our baby Tang?! You think it's good to name a kid after a breakfast drink?! We don't think that's a good name! Do you understand that? - I understand.
- Damn fucking right! You apologize to her.
You apologize now! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing here anyway? I got a meeting with Mel Brooks.
- Well, you're here.
You came.
- Yes.
And I guess you're wondering why I called you.
Kind of, yeah.
Do you remember the other night I sang at the karaoke club and then you got up? - Yeah, he was great.
- The audience went pretty wild for me and then you sang "Swanee" and they went crazy.
And when you sang, I was absolutely floored.
I mean, l you think l - Really? - No no, I couldn't get over it.
And bang bang, something went off in me.
In a couple of months, the guy playing Max Bialystock will be going out on the road, leaving an empty slot called Max Bialystock, the leading character in "The Producers.
" I want you, Larry David, to be the next Max Bialystock on Broadway.
I would like you to play the lead in "The Producers.
" When this thing goes off, I'm never wrong the guy has to be l l I don't, I mean, I'm I don't know what to say, I'm - Were you great? - Well, Mel, I mean, you know - He was great.
- a Broadway show I've never I'm not, like a theater actor.
When we made the movie of "The Producers," The guy that played Carmen Ghia was this incredible, talented greek actor.
His name is Andreas, Andreas Voutsinas.
And Andreas used to say to me "Or you got it or you ain't.
" I said, "Andreas, you can't start a sentence with 'or.
"' He said, "Never mind.
Or you got it, or you ain't.
" You got it, Larry.
- You got it, Larry.
- You got it, mister.
Mr.
Brooks is right, my friend, you got it.
Oh, by the way, Ben Stiller will be taking over at the same time.
So it will be Larry David and Ben Stiller.
I got a great idea.
Go to the show tonight.
See the show.
Let it get into your pores, let it get into your system.
I'm telling you I'm never wrong.
I am never wrong.
I know it sounds crazy to you.
I know it sounds insane.
- It doesn't sound crazy to me.
- You were born to do it.
- It sounds like a joke.
- No joke here.
It's like Allen Funt or Jamie Kennedy's gonna come walking through the door.
You were born to do it.
Just see the show tonight, see what happens.
See what happens and then let this all come back to you.
Okay? - You're gonna do it.
It's gonna happen.
- He's going to do it.
Okay, Jeff, tell him in the elevator.
Tell him how great he is.
- Gentlemen, a pleasure.
- Take care.
I did all the plays in high school.
I swear to God.
They gave me the lead, every one.
Are your M4 and M5? Are those your house seats? They'll be there.
Pick 'em up at the box office.
- Larry David, yeah.
- Thank you.
Giant fuckin' mistake if I say so right to your face.
- Okay, Zero Mostel - Yeah, I know.
I know what you're gonna say.
Nathan Lane, Jason Alexander and Larry David? - Come on, Mel.
- Trust me.
When I know, I know.
And this time, I know.
Thank you very much.
All right.
What's wrong? Aw, this thing's killing me.
You know, I'm gonna take a painkiller, I think.
- I don't think you should do that.
- Why? - Don't they make you tired? - So what? It's killing me.
It really hurts.
How are you gonna take it without water? - I don't know.
Pop it in.
- Maybe you should wait.
Okay okay.
Okay, Larry.
- Did you get it? - Yeah, I got it.
Ben Stiller? - Yeah, I think that is.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hey, how are you doing? - Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
- We met that one time at the - Hi.
- Hi, Ben.
- Oh good, thank you.
- Nice to see you.
- You okay? - Yeah, what happened? Mel Brooks hit me with a bathroom door.
Cut my head.
- I know, it sounds like a joke.
- Really? What, were you talking to him? I met him today.
Oh, you met him today? So he told me you're doing the show.
I am, yeah.
I'm doing the show.
So you were talking to him about maybe - He - Yeah He offered me the Max Bialystock.
Yeah, I know.
- It was a little shocking to me too.
- What?! You mean, he actually offered - Yeah.
- Really? Offered him the I know.
- That is - Crazy! Are you guys just going cra Because it took him a long time to make this decision.
- Well, yeah, we - Can I ask you something.
You act? - I know you're - No, I don't.
Yeah, and you sing? I don't do anything, really.
They'll have to teach me.
- Right, right.
- He saw me in a karaoke bar.
- Wow.
- You're fucking with me, right? No, it's true, but I'm still thinking about it.
- I haven't made up my mind.
- You should think about it.
Honey, actually I see Brian and Lee.
We should go say hi.
- Bless you.
- Gesundheit.
Good to see you.
See you later.
- Well, whatever happens happens.
- Good to see you.
Lar, good luck.
This is a big decision.
Take care.
I'll watch it tonight and think about it.
- Good luck.
Whatever happens, it'll - Ben, so good to see you.
And we'll talk about apartments if you need to.
- I'm sure we'll all gonna be seeing - I know.
- I'll check it out.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
- What is wrong with you? - What are you talking about? Why didn't you shake his hand? He put his hand out for you.
He sneezed all over his hand.
- But he just sneezed on it.
- How rude is that? He didn't notice anything.
- He put his hand out to shake.
- Oh, please.
Of course he noticed that.
Everyone noticed that.
I'm not going to shake his hand.
It's got snot all over it, come on.
Partners, Leo, all the way.
And nothing or no one will ever come between us.
Nothing or no one, Max.
- Come in.
- Come in.
I'm back down from the pills.
Oh, about our 10th anniversary present - Okay.
it's - It's fine if you want out of it.
- No.
Believe me, I will not think any less of you.
No, I don't want to get out of it.
A deal's a deal.
I just want to tell you that there's a few ground rules that we need to talk about, okay? Okay, rule number one is, it's a one time only.
Okay, one time only.
And there's a deadline.
It's our anniversary at midnight, then it's over.
Yeah, kind of like Cinderella.
- And by the way - Yeah? - If I do this show on Broadway? - yeah.
My opening night is the same night as our anniversary.
Really? That would be fun.
# When you got it, flaunt it # # Show your assets, let them know you're proud # What do you think? You think you want to do the show? # Stick your chest out, shake your tush # # When you go in # You know, maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
# When you got it #