Curb Your Enthusiasm s09e01 Episode Script
Foisted
1 Larry: a robin feathering his nest has very little time to rest while gathering his bits of twine and twig though quite intent in his pursuit he has a merry tune to toot it's clear a song will move the job along for a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down the medicine go down the medicine-- the medicine go down for a spoonful of Fuck! ( shouts ) ( shouting ) Woman: Hey! Hey! Wha-- why didn't you keep the door open? Oh, um No-- no "After you"? I-- I-- I didn't really get an "After you" vibe.
Well-- well, why not? I'm a woman, aren't I? - Yeah - Really? Well, I-- I just didn't think you were the type who would want a guy to hold the door open for you.
- What type am I? - You know, you're a type.
You have, uh, short hair, you wear a tie, you got a vest.
It's, uh-- it's a look.
So, you looked at me and then let a door shut on me.
I thought you might not want that, that's all.
I was just trying not to offend you, and yet I wound up offending you, which is quite ironic.
It is ironic because I would've enjoyed the door being open for me.
- And-- you know what I mean? - Uh, well, also there was some distance involved, too.
- So I would say type plus distance-- - Oh, you have an equation? - Yeah, type-- - You have an equation for the-- Yes, it's a mathematical equation.
Type plus distance equals no door hold.
Where did you get that equation from? Uh, I made it up.
Well, you know, what kind of vibe I'm getting from you is that that's a fucked up equation, you know what I mean? But you can't argue with the distance, though.
That's a-- that's a big factor.
Larry: Huh?! "Fatwa! The Musical," written by Larry David.
- Finally! - Five years.
- Five years.
- Yeah.
You wrote a musical about Salman Rushdie having his life ruined 'cause he got a fatwa, a death threat, from the Ayatollah Khomeini.
I'm telling you, there's a lot of funny stuff in there.
Who do you think about playing Salman Rushdie and what about the ayatollah? Salman Rushdie, I don't know, but, uh, the ayatollah, I'm actually flirting with the notion of doing it.
- You for the ayatollah? - I don't know, I probably won't do it.
- It's like the-- - The idea sucks, Lar.
It's a stupid idea.
It's just a - How are you helping? - Fatwa.
Really? Oh, like you're a paragon of tastes.
- Yeah.
- Larry, I've seen everything on Broadway.
- This is my office.
- It's a stupid fucking idea! Fatwa! People don't wanna see that.
They want uplifting.
- They want-- - You don't even know what you're talking about! - You sound like a moron.
You know that? - Do I, really? Yeah, you do.
It's a good idea.
And by the way, what the hell are you doing here anyway? Well, I was in the area looking-- ah-- for venues.
- He-- does he know? - No.
Guess who's getting married.
- Sammi's getting married? - Yes, my little Samella.
Yes.
- Who's the guy? - He's a vet.
- An Afghan war vet.
- Really? - He was a Marine.
- Don't you got to be careful with the, uh, you know, the PTSD? He doesn't have PTSD.
I would know.
I know things.
You don't know.
You know, it comes on in a year or two.
He could wake up in the middle of the night and start punching.
- What is that? What are you doing? - He could wake up ( chuckles ) you know, like that.
All right.
All right, you guys are fuckin' morons.
- Ah, you poor fucker.
- ( buzzer blares ) - Secretary: Your haircut's here.
- Yeah, send her in.
- You get a haircut in the office? - Yeah.
- Betty! - Hi, Susie! How's it going? - How are you, my love? - Good.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hiya, Betty.
How are you? Good to see you.
Jeff: Good to see you.
Huh.
So sorry.
Oh, it's fine.
I'm over it.
- Really? - Yeah, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
He didn't open the door for me.
It was a whole thing.
- I was walking to the door.
He didn't open it.
- Because the tie - and the short hair - In fact, he let it shut.
And then it was offensive to me, obviously, because it's just-- 'cause he thinks that I wouldn't want the door open.
- Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.
- You know what? It's okay.
- Water under the bridge.
- Water under the bridge.
That's Betty.
Betty, you're too good, I'll tell ya.
She also happens to be a lesbian.
And she's marrying her partner in a few weeks.
( scoffs ) She's a lesbian.
She takes such great pride in having a lesbian friend.
( mocking ) "Oh.
Oh, look at me, everybody.
I'm so cool, I hang out with lesbians.
" I had lesbian friends before you knew what lesbians were.
- Hey, by the way - Uh-huh.
you know, I could use a haircut.
You could.
You could.
And you know what? I could do it for you.
- Really? - Yes, yes.
I can come to your house.
And I'll open the door for you.
- ( chuckles ) Okay.
- Huh? - Huh? Come on.
Right? - All right.
- Right.
Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Hey, it's my long-lost assistant.
Welcome back! - Thank you.
- Welcome back.
You had a nice little two-day unauthorized vacation.
Oh, not-- it wasn't a vacation.
- Oh, it wasn't? - No, I was-- I was very constipated.
- I couldn't poop.
- No, I know what constipation is.
You don't come to work for two days because you were constipated? Yeah.
Luckily it was only two days.
The whole world is out there constipated.
Half the population is constipated.
I got married constipated.
People do things constipated.
You wouldn't want me here.
I wouldn't-- I wouldn't No, I would want you here.
Why wouldn't I want you here? I don't function well with the feeling of heaviness.
I feel like I'm wearing a cement inner tube.
- Mm-hmm.
- And now, I mean, it's about being available for it to happen.
And it hasn't totally happened, I'm gonna be honest.
The blessed event hasn't occurred yet? It's partially occurred, but I'm gonna soldier on here at the office so that we can get some stuff done.
You're gonna soldier on.
Wow.
( Scottish accent ) Aye, lassie.
I admire your courage.
This is one of those fields, like many, that isn't researched enough.
Perhaps, you-- you could champion the cause of constipation.
( laughs ) You could-- you could raise money.
You could go on, you could have fundraisers.
You know, you could-- you could have groups where people who are constipated get together and-- and talk about their problems.
- I don't-- - In fact, you know what else you might wanna think about? Instead of sitting in a chair at your desk, put in a toilet seat.
( chuckles ) You know, have an office bathroom.
Maybe something to consider for the future if you wanted to look into the plumbing.
- Come on.
Not a bad idea.
- Um, anyway.
Well, uh, I did get a voicemail, and Richard Lewis called.
And, uh, unfortunately, his parakeet died.
Aw.
Hmm.
- Had you ever met him? - Yes.
Yes, I did.
- What was he like? - Bird-like.
He was bird-like.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I'll cheer him up.
I'll send him a little text.
How about that? Yeah, well, I think for death, sometimes a text is inadequate.
Yes, perhaps if it were a person, I would agree with you.
- All right.
Done.
He's gonna love it.
- ( phone chirps ) Hey, do me a favor.
This pen is out of ink.
I need a refill.
Okay? There you go.
And you.
There you go.
You got the refill.
You have the refill.
You have the refill.
I worry I'm gonna lose something this small.
You take that.
- And I will look that up.
- Okay.
Okay.
And think about that toilet.
- The chair toilet.
- All right.
You just sit there at your desk.
Pretty good idea.
( muffled music thumping ) ( muffled music continues ) ( music blaring ) Hey.
- Come on.
- What's up? Turn this down.
It's too loud.
- What's too fucking loud? - I hear it on the street.
Wait-- just wait a fuckin' minute.
- I'll turn this shit down, okay? - ( music fades ) - Yeah.
What are you doing? - Ah.
You okay? - Yeah.
What are you doing? - I'm fuckin' lamping.
What you doing? You're lamping? Chillin'.
Relaxing.
Why did you change it from chillin'? What was wrong with chillin'? Got to get another one? Lamping? Lamping.
I can sit around here with some fuckin' boxers on and a tank top with my feet the fuck up.
And chillin' is what? You gotta be in real clothes? - You can walk around and chill.
- Oh.
You upright.
You chillin' upright.
You guys got some great slang, I gotta say.
- The fuck you got? - We got boss.
That's a boss shirt.
- Oh, man.
- Huh? You can keep that boss shit.
- Keep that bullshit.
- Boss isn't-- boss isn't happening, is it, huh? Hey, I wouldn't even say that shit by mistake.
Get this-- my assistant, okay, doesn't come to work for two days.
You know why? You know what she tells me? - What? - She was constipated.
Who doesn't come to work 'cause they're constipated? Have you ever heard of that? - Fuck, no.
Come on, man.
- Ridiculous.
Come on, I shot a porno constipated.
I ran a 5k marathon constipated.
Shit, man, come on.
I was in a hot dog-eating contest constipated.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You shot a porno? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Seriously.
And a hot dog-eating contest constipated.
And I still fucking won.
That's not a fucking excuse.
You cannot let this bitch use constipation as something to lean on.
You got to fire that bitch.
Yeah, well, that's easier said than done.
It's, you know-- she's got a-- she's got a limp and a cane.
I'd feel sorry for her.
I can't.
I can't do it.
And by the way, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Okay.
What the fuck else could it be? I'm not at liberty to-- to say.
- I can't say.
- What is it? I don't wanna say.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You fucking walk all the way the fuck over here, you disturb me from fucking lamping, and you ain't even gonna fucking tell me what the fuck it is? I-- I-- I can't say.
Tell me what the fuck going on.
( sighs ) Let's just say her uncle fucked her.
- Recently? - No, no.
Years ago.
- Oh, shit, man.
- You see-- you see the dilemma that I have? Between the limp and the cane and the uncle ( stammering ) She's unfirable.
- God damn it, man, you can't fucking fire her.
- I can't fire her, I know.
And the thing about it is that she was so highly recommended, too.
She used to work for Jimmy Kimmel and he recommended her to me.
He said she was great, and she's awful.
Why would he recommend her? I know what the fuck happened.
He foisted you, man.
Fucking Jimmy Kimmel foisted that bitch on you.
What do you mean? He couldn't fire her either, so he passed her ass onto you.
Don't you ever allow yourself to get foisted.
- You understand? That fucking limpy-ass girl-- - I got foisted.
Now, the only way to resolve this shit, go in your fucking mind and you think of someone you can unload this limpy bitch onto.
You have to get rid of this bitch.
You know what, every now and then-- every now and then, yeah, I gotta say, you surprise me.
Whoo.
Boom.
Boom.
Is that still workable? The fist bump? Is that still? There's people still doing that, yeah.
Will you let me know when that goes out of fashion? When that shit stop, I'll let you know.
And if you see me doing anything else that the black community might frown upon as being uncool, you're gonna let me know.
I'll stop your ass.
You know I will.
( chuckles ) Now go upstairs and start lamping.
I'm so excited right now.
- Like, I can't even tell you.
- Sure.
I just never thought that I'd be having a wedding.
- Have you been married? - I have, yes.
So, you've had a wedding, so you know how awesome it is.
- Yeah, but I wasn't excited in the least.
- Oh, you weren't? - No.
But I never get excited, you know.
- About anything? No, my mother used to say to me, "Larry, you-- you never get excited.
" - Really? - "Can't you be excited?" It-- it broke her heart.
I-- there's no excitement.
Well, I'm excited, - so I appreciate you letting me talk.
- That's-- that's great.
I have a couple of questions, logistically, about how the whole thing works.
- Okay.
- So, when the rabbi or the minister or whoever says, "Do you take so-and-so--" what's your fiancée's name? - Numa.
- Numa.
"Do you take Numa to be your lawfully wedded wife" It doesn't really work like that.
Oh.
Okay, but what about, um, "Here Comes The Bride"? Who gets the song? - I'm getting that song.
- You're getting the song? You're getting "Here Comes The Bride"? Yeah.
That's my song.
I wanted to be the bride and Numa's actually always wanted to be the groom, so it worked out good.
Not really getting, uh, bride vibes from you.
Well, that's 'cause you're not at the wedding With all due respect, yeah, I don't see bride.
I don't see bride, okay, from here.
No, try and see it.
Try and see it.
- We're at the wedding-- - I can't see it.
- My dad walks me down the-- the thing.
- Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
I have a veil with, like, - a flower-- - Oh, my God, you got the gown, too? - Yeah.
- Oh, no, this is a huge, huge mistake.
- No, it's-- um, it's amazing.
- No.
Look, you got a picture of Numa? Okay, she's beautiful, obviously.
( scoffs ) Okay.
That's a-- that's a bride, okay? - Well - That's a bride.
That's a groom.
Believe me, I say this only with the best intentions.
That's a fuckin' bride.
You a goddamn groom.
- The groom, right? - You a goddamn groom.
- Yeah.
- What's her name? - Numa.
- Numa fine as fuck.
- Right? She is.
- You are one lucky-ass groom.
- Thank you.
- She gorgeous? Leon: I'll see you later.
Mm.
Hey, we need more peanut butter.
Okay, well, we're done.
Oh.
Uh, how much do I owe you? - Uh, 150.
- ( scoffs ) 150? Yeah, boy, you're gonna love that.
Oh, boy, you're making quite a living there barbering.
150 for a bald man? - For a haircut? - Yeah, well, you're not bald.
- You do have hair.
- Well yeah.
- So, thanks.
- Yeah, yeah.
Think about what I said.
- Okay? - Thank you.
You're a lovely girl, Betty, but, uh, you're not a bride.
Unfortunately.
Unfortunately.
( chatter continues ) So, this is more of the kick-off, - and then we'll have a big gala-- - Cheryl? - Hi.
Excuse me.
- Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
- Oh, really? - Thank you for coming.
What is this name, PAM? That's the best you could do? It's like-- it's a cooking spray-- PAM.
No, it's People Against Mutilation, genital mutilation.
Yeah, I know what it stands for.
And there are very few charities that actually focus on the clitoris and talk about it.
I think you got half the population focused on the clitoris.
- I'm deadly focused on it.
- You are? - Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey, Ted! - How are you? - I haven't seen you in a while.
- I know! - I know.
It's nice to see you.
- Where's Mary? Mary? Oh, uh, yeah ( sighs ) Oh, you know, I haven't seen you guys for so long.
Mary and I have been separated for, like, three months, you know.
- The divorce is almost final.
- What? - My bad.
Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- Holy mackerel.
- I am shocked.
Oh, no, no, no.
Truth is I think we're better friends now than when we were married.
That's total bullshit.
You just-- you have to say that to yourselves to wean yourself off the relationship.
- What is that? - It's a breath spray.
Oh, thank God.
I think Jeff's looking for you.
Yeah, one second.
Gotta go talk to my manager.
- Okay.
- Big stuff happening.
- Ooh.
- Big stuff.
- Strangest man on the planet.
- ( chuckles ) I know.
Crazy, crazy exciting.
- Really? - Yep.
Every producer I sent "Fatwa!" to is in.
- Wow.
- Every producer I talked to.
I've got so many producers that want to do this.
- Look at you, Mr.
Broadway.
- ( scoffs ) Got you booked on "Jimmy Kimmel" to talk about it already.
- Really? Do I need to do that? - Yep.
Oh, yeah, you need to do that.
Get out there, start talking about this.
This is very exciting.
Hey, how much does Betty charge you for a haircut? - 75.
- She charged me $150.
- Twice as much? - Twice as much.
- That's crazy.
- I know it's crazy.
- Why would she do something like that? - I don't know.
- She ripped me off.
- You want me to call her? No, no, no.
I'm gonna say something to her.
- Feel free.
- Good.
Hey, it's Lewis.
Come here.
- I'll meet you over there.
- Cool, cool.
All right, I'll meet you over there.
Fine.
- Happy? - No, I'm not, actually.
- This is not the middle.
- I don't move again.
The middle-- the middle would've been over there.
I took way more steps than you did to get here.
- I'm older than you.
- Hey, by the way, good news about "Fatwa!" There's a lot of producers interested in it.
I don't care about your fucking play, 'cause my bird died and you sent the most ridiculous, despicable text.
"Sorry about your bird.
The good news is I'm still alive.
" - Prick.
- Prick? This is a tragedy and you treated it like it was nothing to me.
- How dare you? - I-- I don't see it as a tragedy.
You don't? Why not? It's my bird.
- If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy.
- Oh, really? Or some exotic bird from Brazil like a macaw or a toucan.
I don't live in a Cuban dancehall.
I live in my own home and it doesn't take toucans.
You know, it's a dead parakeet.
That's a funny thing.
I loved him.
It was unconditional love.
- It was-- even-- - Unconditional love? - He came over-- - He doesn't know you from a hole in the wall.
He knows me.
He knew you.
Remember he came over once? He went, "Seinfeld, Seinfeld.
" He loved you, too.
I'm not quite sure it was "Seinfeld.
" ( imitates parakeet ) And you-- you thought that was "Seinfeld.
" - Yeah.
- No.
( imitates parakeet ) Yeah, that's not Seinfeld.
You know why I'm laughing? At the sadness of your entire existence.
- Well - You're so unjust-- I take that as a great compliment.
Well, there's a lack of empathy and compassion and sympathy for practically everything in your life.
There's a lack of everything.
- Don't you feel good about-- - Look, you're a comedian.
You're supposed to be able to take a joke, you know? You're supposed to laugh about everything.
Just because I'm a comedian, I have to find everything in the world funny? Yes, everything's funny.
You're devoid of anything that's remotely caring or empathetic.
- And it's sad, and I-- - Are you sure a dead parakeet isn't funny? This, to me, is a tragedy.
- I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna go, too.
- I'm going this way.
- No, no, I'm going this way.
No, you came from that way.
You go that way, I'll go this way.
No, I wanna go that way.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey.
I'm late, I'm late.
I know.
Nice of you to show up.
Well, Larry, I've been so crazy busy.
I've never been like this in my life.
Did Jeff tell you about my new business? I heard something.
What is it? Soaps On.
It's a skin care, bath products, all organic - Soaps On? - sustainable.
Could you come up with a worse name than Soaps On? It's a great name.
You know, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- It's a great name.
- Okay, good, good.
So, what have you been doing? You've been working at night on it? Nonstop.
I think I'm gonna have to hire an assistant.
I think I have to maybe-- maybe more than one.
What? Did I just hear you say you needed to hire an assistant? I think I do, yeah.
I'm burning the candles on both ends.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Well, you know, I'm gonna be going to New York to do the play.
Yeah, "Fatwa!" And I'm not gonna be able to take my assistant.
- She's good? - Oh, good? She's-- she's the best I ever had.
Well, what's her history? Where-- where is she-- - Oh, she worked for Kimmel.
- Jimmy Kimmel? - Yeah.
- Oh, he's a big star.
- Ah - What? What? - Come on, what? - Eh - What? - I can't give her up.
- I-- I can't.
She's-- - What are you gonna use her for? You're gonna be on the phone with her here and you're in New York? That's ridiculous.
That doesn't make any sense.
You need to hire a new assistant in New York and let me take this one.
What the hell? You can have her! - Ah! Yay! - Huh? Yeah! - Oh, I love you so much! - Ha ha! Yeah? Oh, this is great! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, Lar.
- Me, too.
- You won't be sorry.
Trust me.
Fantastic! Pretty good.
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
( women arguing ) Betty: I'm not saying you can't be the groom.
I'm just saying I think I might not be the bride.
I saw myself and then I'm gonna walk down the-- Wha-- Larry? What are you doing here? The door-- the door was ajar.
You! You're the one that put this in her head? - What? What? I-- - What is your agenda, man? - No, I didn't do anything.
- Of course he just shows up, too.
- Out of nowhere.
Just-- you're here now.
- The door was ajar.
The-- you left the door ajar.
You have no business weighing in on this wedding, okay? It's not completely his fault, um, but-- ( stammering ) No, I just thought-- Look, you're a beautiful bride.
- You should be a bride.
- I'm the groom.
I don't wanna be the bride.
You're not groomy, she's not bridey.
- You know-- - How is it appropriate for you to have an opinion about this? Well, because I know her.
She gave me a haircut.
She charged a lot of money for it, by the way.
What kind of psychopath interferes with the nuances of a lesbian wedding? Hey, I saw wrong and tried to right it.
That's all.
- I can't believe-- - That's what Ted Kennedy said about Robert Kennedy at his funeral.
I'm-- I'm like Robert Kennedy.
You know what's not Robert Kennedy-ish? - Hmm? - Wandering into people's homes and spouting nonsense.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, don't leave the door ajar.
- Stop saying "ajar"! - Okay.
What is really going on here? Do you need a hobby? ( scoffs ) Not a terrible idea.
You're-- you're right about that.
That's-- that's a good idea.
I just can't seem to find the motivation.
You know, when I was a kid, I would collect butterflies.
I would go in the park, I had a-- a net, and I would-- I would use the net.
I cannot tell you how much satisfaction there is in trapping a butterfly in a net I didn't expect you to actually answer-- I didn't expect an actual answer to that question! It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter about him.
- It doesn't-- - I'm done.
It doesn't matter about him.
I just want you to be happy.
I want us to have a successful wedding and a successful life.
- Fantastic.
- I'll do anything you want.
- Whatever you want.
- I wanna be the groom.
You waited too long.
That's everything I need to know.
- No, no, no! - Here is your ring.
- I wish this friendship the best.
- No.
Oh - What? - Aw, come on.
No.
No, don't-- no.
Come, come-- no.
- Here, allow me.
- What the fuck are you doing? - No good? - I don't need you to hold the door for me, you prick.
You see? See what happens? I held the door, she didn't like it.
You chastised me for holding the door.
What's a guy supposed to do? I'm betwixt and between.
- Why are you here? - I'll tell you why I'm here.
'Cause I asked Jeff what you charged him for a haircut and he told me $75.
- Uh-huh.
- You charged me $150.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's up with that? Get the fuck out of my house.
Okay.
Are you sure? Okay, I got it.
I got that.
( sing-song ) I've got some news.
Wha-- what is it? Okay, 'cause of the musical, I might be going to New York.
And I thought, "What am I gonna do about Mara?" So, guess what.
I got you a job with my friend, a very close friend of mine, as her assistant.
She's starting this new company called Soaps On - for natural bath and beauty products-- - Larry, th-thank you.
I-- This woman really knows what she's doing.
And by the way, she's such a terrific person.
This woman's a-- she's a fucking saint, okay? Well, okay.
I mean ( sighs ) Don't take this the wrong way.
Always, this job felt a little bit - like it wasn't challenging enough.
- Is that so? So this-- this could be a good opportunity.
We can start right now.
Yeah, let's pack you up and let's get you the hell out of here.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for all the-- the-- the work, the hard work that you did, even though it wasn't very challenging at all.
- And I don't even know what you did, exactly, but - You know, I just-- it just-- you claim to have done something, but I'm sure you did.
Anyway, let's go.
- There we go.
- Careful.
There we go.
You got this, you got all this.
Oh, look, you got little cookies and cakes here.
Okay, take the plant.
Yeah.
There you go.
Okay.
Take your water.
Get this out.
- I just-- - What else? We're done.
We're good.
There we go.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, you're gonna have a good time.
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
Can't you walk a little faster with that thing? They-- they have Olympic events for that.
They speed along.
Do you want to get a celebratory drink or? Nah.
I don't think so.
All right, then.
Well, should we-- should we hug goodbye? I'll tell you what.
Let's do one of these.
There we go.
Now you got your box, we had a little hug.
- Thanks, Larry.
- All right, you take care.
- All right.
- We'll see ya.
- Bye, Leon.
- Give my best to Susie.
- Tell her I said hi.
- See ya.
- ( door closes ) - Tell me that's what the fuck I think it is.
- That's a foist.
- Mm, fuck! That was a foist! - My man, look at you.
- Yep! - You did it! - Huh? How 'bout that? She ain't gonna limp her ass back up in here, right? - Oh, no chance.
- Draggin' that goddamn foot, right? No chance.
She's been foisted, man.
So she's not coming back? - Nope.
- She's out of here for good? - Out.
- ( chuckles ) I can do this.
What? What are you talkin' about? I can do this shit.
What? Do what shit? I can be your new assistant.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's-- that's impossible.
Come on, man.
( phone ringing ) Larry David's office.
What the fuck is up? Oh, I'm sorry, that bitch got foisted.
You only get half price 'cause you drive a goddamn Smart car.
All right? Don't call me no fucking more.
Mm.
- Hey! Hey! - Hey, how you doin'? What's happening? Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Hi.
- How are you? Welcome.
- What's going on? - Not-- this is Leon, by the way.
- This is Jimmy.
- Good to be here, baby.
- Good to have you here.
- He's my temporary assistant.
- ( phone chiming ) - Hold on, hold on.
Hey, Jeff.
What's up? - Hey.
Is that for me? - We at "Jimmy Kimmel.
" I'm gonna take it outside.
Fucking good as fuck.
- What is this, crudité? - Yeah, crudité, yeah.
Crudi-take.
All right? What are you doing? Don't take that.
It's fine because-- no, we-- - it's not like we reuse it.
- Hey, are you nuts? - Put the fucking thing back, you asshole.
- Fuck you, Larry! Fuck you! - So, Jeff - ( chuckles ) - He's not gonna take it.
It's a joke.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- How you doing? Everything all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Good.
- What have you been up to? - Uh, you know, just lampin'.
Lamping? Like L-A-M-P-I-N-G? There's no "G" at the end.
Lampin'.
Lampin'.
Okay.
All right.
Is that-- - It's black slang.
I pick it up from him.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, all right.
- I didn't realize that.
- But, um let me, uh-- let me congratulate you, by the way.
Oh, thank-- on what? On the wonderful, fantastic job of foisting that you did.
- What do you mean? - Nice job.
You foisted Mara on me.
I did foist her on you.
- I did.
I really did foist her on you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Fantastic foist.
- I told-- and by the way, Marty Short foisted her on me.
He foisted her on you.
Okay, well, guess what.
You've gotta now foist her on somebody else.
- Yeah.
- Done.
It's already done.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- It feels good, right? - Thank you.
Oh, my God.
It's like a pyramid scheme, almost.
Uh, yeah.
In a way, yes.
Eventually there will-- somebody at the end will have to marry her.
- Exactly! Exactly, yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, thanks for coming.
It's great to have you here.
- Yeah, thanks.
I'll see you out there.
- All right, see you out there.
- Take it easy.
- It's gonna be fun.
Now, um, I understand you have a new project.
New-- something you're working on.
Yes, yes.
I've, uh-- I've written a musical for Broadway.
- Mm-hmm? - It's called, uh, "Fatwa!" - ( audience laughing ) - "Fatwa"? - "Fatwa!" - And what is a fatwa? A fatwa is a death sentence handed out by the ayatollah.
And this is a comedy? - Yes, yes.
- Okay.
All right.
It's a musical comedy.
The ayatollah's in it.
Oh, the ayatollah is in it? Of course the ayatollah is in it.
How can you have a fatwa without an ayatollah? You do need an ayatollah, right.
What appeals to you about the ayatollah? The whole-- you know, the denunciation.
There's a lot of denunciation going on.
- The denunciation, okay.
- All day long, he's denunciating.
- He does do a lot of that.
- He does a lot of this, a lot of, you know.
- Uh-huh.
- By the way, I just did it four times.
I started to get denunciation elbows.
- You have to be careful.
- Yeah, you gotta be careful.
- You can kill yourself.
- It's not easy to be the ayatollah.
It requires a lot of energy.
Yeah, yeah.
How many ayatollahs are there? Are there only one ayatollah? Well, now there's only one ayatollah, and they all seem to have the same name and they all seem to spell it the same way.
And you never know-- if you look at the history of ayatollahs, they-- it all seems like one person.
- Yeah, yeah.
- They all look exactly the same, and their names are Khamenei, Khameeni, Khomani.
In a way, it's like the way KFC - has the different comedians play Colonel Sanders.
- Yes, yes.
- It's the same thing.
- What else about the ayatollah do you know? He's, uh-- he doesn't like Waze.
He likes-- he likes to-- he likes to navigate on his own, you know? - Oh, Waze, okay.
- Yeah, he doesn't like Waze.
He gets in the car.
Don't tell-- don't give him any direction.
He doesn't like to be told things.
"I know how to go.
The Waze takes me to-- to El Mansour Boulevard and gives me a left turn in rush hour.
No good.
" - You know.
- I feel like maybe I've been in an Uber with the ayatollah, 'cause I've heard this very same dialogue.
- That's possible.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Do you know about the ayatollah's life? Like, does he-- does he eat cereal? He loves granola.
- He does? - Yes.
Well, well.
Look at you.
You got here ahead of me.
I can't believe it.
God damn right.
I'm doing my fucking dizzle, baby.
Jesus, you're-- you're workin'.
Hey, that ayatollah bit you did on "Kimmel" was fucking great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You liked it? - I fuckin' loved it.
- Oh, good.
- ( phone ringing ) Larry David's office.
What's up? - Let me speak to Larry.
- It's Jeff.
Okay, transfer it to here.
How? - I don't know.
- What's taking so long? Get Larry! Hold on, Jeff.
Hold on.
- Hey.
- Turn on the TV! - What channel? - Every channel! Every goddamn channel! You're a complete and total fuck-up.
You're a total, total fuck-up.
Larry David, who you may know as the co-creator of "Seinfeld," went on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last night to talk about his new musical called "Fatwa!" in which the ayatollah is one of the main characters.
There's a small harem.
Uh, he has a fetish for redheads.
And twice a year, he goes to Ireland on a harem shopping spree.
Today, the Ayatollah Abdullah Kazemaini of Iran has accused Larry David of blasphemy, issuing an actual fatwa and calling for the death of the comedian.
Here's what the ayatollah had to say.
( speaking Persian ) Larry David.
"Seinfeld.
" - What the fuck?! - "What the fuck" is right.
Interpreter: No one would dare insult the sacred beliefs of Muslims, nor disparage our honor.
I didn't disparage.
There was no disparage.
- You did disparage.
- No, no.
I didn't disparage! I begged you not to imitate the ayatollah.
- No, you didn't! - I told Leon.
I said you got to get this message to him.
Jeff told you to tell me not to do the ayatollah? I didn't fucking remember.
How the fuck am I gonna remember that shit? - ( both shouting ) - What the fuck is wrong with you?! - I didn't know what the fuck-- - Oh, my God! What the fuck?! Larry David! Interpreter: So I call on valiant Muslims, wherever they may be, to kill Larry David without delay.
- What?! - And whoever may die in this cause will be a martyr.
No! I'll repent! I'll be punished! Even if Larry David repents, he will be condemned to death.
I'll-- I'll convert! I'll become a Muslim! Even if Larry David converts to Islam, he should still be sent to hell.
- ( shouts ) Jeff! - You got a fucking fatwa! - I got a fatwa! - You got fatwa'd! No! Agent: Gentlemen, the FBI takes this very seriously.
But it's nothing that you really need to worry about.
What the-- that's so easy for you to say.
I-- the ayatollah mentioned my name.
The fucking guy was on television, screaming my name.
( imitates ayatollah ) Larry David! ( imitating continues ) Larry David! I'm doing Spanish, it sounds like.
( imitates speaking Spanish ) Larry David! Quick question.
Um, what about friends of people that have fatwas? Fatwa by association.
What kind of fucking question is that? - Do I associate with you? - Yeah.
Okay.
I wanna know what my situation is.
Fatwa by association.
What do you know about it? - You're fine as well.
- I am? - You're fine.
- Hey, I got an idea.
I go on the "Jimmy Kimmel" show and I apologize.
- I apologize to the ayatollah.
- You think I didn't think of that? I've already talked to the "Kimmel" show.
They want nothing to do with you.
This whole thing's falling apart.
Every "Fatwa!" producer has called me.
This is all dead.
( Larry whispers ) Hey.
- It's me.
- Holy shit.
- What are you doing? - What am I doing? - I'm wearing a disguise.
- You think that's gonna help? Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt.
What am I supposed to do? Disguises have been employed effectively in the past.
Tyra Banks dressed up as a fat person on her show to see what it's like being fat.
Needless to say, it wasn't very pleasant.
Have you ever seen "Undercover Boss"? The guy goes undercover, nobody even knows who he is.
He's the boss of the whole company.
He fools everybody.
Well, you know what the good news is? I'm still alive.
You know what? That's not funny.
- It's not funny.
- You know, you're a comedian.
You should be able to take a joke.
What, you're comparing this to your dead parakeet? - Nothing compares to my dead parakeet.
- Yeah.
Numa: Larry David! - I know you're in here.
I saw your car.
- Holy shit.
- Fatwa? - ( whispers ) No, lesbian bride.
Larry David? Where the fuck are you, Larry? Prepare to die, baldy.
I know you're in here, Larry! I'm gonna fucking kill you! And the next time a door's ajar, maybe stay the fuck out! I'm gonna fucking kill you! Larry fucking David! ( water rushing ) ( door squeaks ) Fatwa?! No, cocksucker.
Foisted!
Well-- well, why not? I'm a woman, aren't I? - Yeah - Really? Well, I-- I just didn't think you were the type who would want a guy to hold the door open for you.
- What type am I? - You know, you're a type.
You have, uh, short hair, you wear a tie, you got a vest.
It's, uh-- it's a look.
So, you looked at me and then let a door shut on me.
I thought you might not want that, that's all.
I was just trying not to offend you, and yet I wound up offending you, which is quite ironic.
It is ironic because I would've enjoyed the door being open for me.
- And-- you know what I mean? - Uh, well, also there was some distance involved, too.
- So I would say type plus distance-- - Oh, you have an equation? - Yeah, type-- - You have an equation for the-- Yes, it's a mathematical equation.
Type plus distance equals no door hold.
Where did you get that equation from? Uh, I made it up.
Well, you know, what kind of vibe I'm getting from you is that that's a fucked up equation, you know what I mean? But you can't argue with the distance, though.
That's a-- that's a big factor.
Larry: Huh?! "Fatwa! The Musical," written by Larry David.
- Finally! - Five years.
- Five years.
- Yeah.
You wrote a musical about Salman Rushdie having his life ruined 'cause he got a fatwa, a death threat, from the Ayatollah Khomeini.
I'm telling you, there's a lot of funny stuff in there.
Who do you think about playing Salman Rushdie and what about the ayatollah? Salman Rushdie, I don't know, but, uh, the ayatollah, I'm actually flirting with the notion of doing it.
- You for the ayatollah? - I don't know, I probably won't do it.
- It's like the-- - The idea sucks, Lar.
It's a stupid idea.
It's just a - How are you helping? - Fatwa.
Really? Oh, like you're a paragon of tastes.
- Yeah.
- Larry, I've seen everything on Broadway.
- This is my office.
- It's a stupid fucking idea! Fatwa! People don't wanna see that.
They want uplifting.
- They want-- - You don't even know what you're talking about! - You sound like a moron.
You know that? - Do I, really? Yeah, you do.
It's a good idea.
And by the way, what the hell are you doing here anyway? Well, I was in the area looking-- ah-- for venues.
- He-- does he know? - No.
Guess who's getting married.
- Sammi's getting married? - Yes, my little Samella.
Yes.
- Who's the guy? - He's a vet.
- An Afghan war vet.
- Really? - He was a Marine.
- Don't you got to be careful with the, uh, you know, the PTSD? He doesn't have PTSD.
I would know.
I know things.
You don't know.
You know, it comes on in a year or two.
He could wake up in the middle of the night and start punching.
- What is that? What are you doing? - He could wake up ( chuckles ) you know, like that.
All right.
All right, you guys are fuckin' morons.
- Ah, you poor fucker.
- ( buzzer blares ) - Secretary: Your haircut's here.
- Yeah, send her in.
- You get a haircut in the office? - Yeah.
- Betty! - Hi, Susie! How's it going? - How are you, my love? - Good.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hiya, Betty.
How are you? Good to see you.
Jeff: Good to see you.
Huh.
So sorry.
Oh, it's fine.
I'm over it.
- Really? - Yeah, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
He didn't open the door for me.
It was a whole thing.
- I was walking to the door.
He didn't open it.
- Because the tie - and the short hair - In fact, he let it shut.
And then it was offensive to me, obviously, because it's just-- 'cause he thinks that I wouldn't want the door open.
- Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.
- You know what? It's okay.
- Water under the bridge.
- Water under the bridge.
That's Betty.
Betty, you're too good, I'll tell ya.
She also happens to be a lesbian.
And she's marrying her partner in a few weeks.
( scoffs ) She's a lesbian.
She takes such great pride in having a lesbian friend.
( mocking ) "Oh.
Oh, look at me, everybody.
I'm so cool, I hang out with lesbians.
" I had lesbian friends before you knew what lesbians were.
- Hey, by the way - Uh-huh.
you know, I could use a haircut.
You could.
You could.
And you know what? I could do it for you.
- Really? - Yes, yes.
I can come to your house.
And I'll open the door for you.
- ( chuckles ) Okay.
- Huh? - Huh? Come on.
Right? - All right.
- Right.
Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Hey, it's my long-lost assistant.
Welcome back! - Thank you.
- Welcome back.
You had a nice little two-day unauthorized vacation.
Oh, not-- it wasn't a vacation.
- Oh, it wasn't? - No, I was-- I was very constipated.
- I couldn't poop.
- No, I know what constipation is.
You don't come to work for two days because you were constipated? Yeah.
Luckily it was only two days.
The whole world is out there constipated.
Half the population is constipated.
I got married constipated.
People do things constipated.
You wouldn't want me here.
I wouldn't-- I wouldn't No, I would want you here.
Why wouldn't I want you here? I don't function well with the feeling of heaviness.
I feel like I'm wearing a cement inner tube.
- Mm-hmm.
- And now, I mean, it's about being available for it to happen.
And it hasn't totally happened, I'm gonna be honest.
The blessed event hasn't occurred yet? It's partially occurred, but I'm gonna soldier on here at the office so that we can get some stuff done.
You're gonna soldier on.
Wow.
( Scottish accent ) Aye, lassie.
I admire your courage.
This is one of those fields, like many, that isn't researched enough.
Perhaps, you-- you could champion the cause of constipation.
( laughs ) You could-- you could raise money.
You could go on, you could have fundraisers.
You know, you could-- you could have groups where people who are constipated get together and-- and talk about their problems.
- I don't-- - In fact, you know what else you might wanna think about? Instead of sitting in a chair at your desk, put in a toilet seat.
( chuckles ) You know, have an office bathroom.
Maybe something to consider for the future if you wanted to look into the plumbing.
- Come on.
Not a bad idea.
- Um, anyway.
Well, uh, I did get a voicemail, and Richard Lewis called.
And, uh, unfortunately, his parakeet died.
Aw.
Hmm.
- Had you ever met him? - Yes.
Yes, I did.
- What was he like? - Bird-like.
He was bird-like.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I'll cheer him up.
I'll send him a little text.
How about that? Yeah, well, I think for death, sometimes a text is inadequate.
Yes, perhaps if it were a person, I would agree with you.
- All right.
Done.
He's gonna love it.
- ( phone chirps ) Hey, do me a favor.
This pen is out of ink.
I need a refill.
Okay? There you go.
And you.
There you go.
You got the refill.
You have the refill.
You have the refill.
I worry I'm gonna lose something this small.
You take that.
- And I will look that up.
- Okay.
Okay.
And think about that toilet.
- The chair toilet.
- All right.
You just sit there at your desk.
Pretty good idea.
( muffled music thumping ) ( muffled music continues ) ( music blaring ) Hey.
- Come on.
- What's up? Turn this down.
It's too loud.
- What's too fucking loud? - I hear it on the street.
Wait-- just wait a fuckin' minute.
- I'll turn this shit down, okay? - ( music fades ) - Yeah.
What are you doing? - Ah.
You okay? - Yeah.
What are you doing? - I'm fuckin' lamping.
What you doing? You're lamping? Chillin'.
Relaxing.
Why did you change it from chillin'? What was wrong with chillin'? Got to get another one? Lamping? Lamping.
I can sit around here with some fuckin' boxers on and a tank top with my feet the fuck up.
And chillin' is what? You gotta be in real clothes? - You can walk around and chill.
- Oh.
You upright.
You chillin' upright.
You guys got some great slang, I gotta say.
- The fuck you got? - We got boss.
That's a boss shirt.
- Oh, man.
- Huh? You can keep that boss shit.
- Keep that bullshit.
- Boss isn't-- boss isn't happening, is it, huh? Hey, I wouldn't even say that shit by mistake.
Get this-- my assistant, okay, doesn't come to work for two days.
You know why? You know what she tells me? - What? - She was constipated.
Who doesn't come to work 'cause they're constipated? Have you ever heard of that? - Fuck, no.
Come on, man.
- Ridiculous.
Come on, I shot a porno constipated.
I ran a 5k marathon constipated.
Shit, man, come on.
I was in a hot dog-eating contest constipated.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You shot a porno? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Seriously.
And a hot dog-eating contest constipated.
And I still fucking won.
That's not a fucking excuse.
You cannot let this bitch use constipation as something to lean on.
You got to fire that bitch.
Yeah, well, that's easier said than done.
It's, you know-- she's got a-- she's got a limp and a cane.
I'd feel sorry for her.
I can't.
I can't do it.
And by the way, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Okay.
What the fuck else could it be? I'm not at liberty to-- to say.
- I can't say.
- What is it? I don't wanna say.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You fucking walk all the way the fuck over here, you disturb me from fucking lamping, and you ain't even gonna fucking tell me what the fuck it is? I-- I-- I can't say.
Tell me what the fuck going on.
( sighs ) Let's just say her uncle fucked her.
- Recently? - No, no.
Years ago.
- Oh, shit, man.
- You see-- you see the dilemma that I have? Between the limp and the cane and the uncle ( stammering ) She's unfirable.
- God damn it, man, you can't fucking fire her.
- I can't fire her, I know.
And the thing about it is that she was so highly recommended, too.
She used to work for Jimmy Kimmel and he recommended her to me.
He said she was great, and she's awful.
Why would he recommend her? I know what the fuck happened.
He foisted you, man.
Fucking Jimmy Kimmel foisted that bitch on you.
What do you mean? He couldn't fire her either, so he passed her ass onto you.
Don't you ever allow yourself to get foisted.
- You understand? That fucking limpy-ass girl-- - I got foisted.
Now, the only way to resolve this shit, go in your fucking mind and you think of someone you can unload this limpy bitch onto.
You have to get rid of this bitch.
You know what, every now and then-- every now and then, yeah, I gotta say, you surprise me.
Whoo.
Boom.
Boom.
Is that still workable? The fist bump? Is that still? There's people still doing that, yeah.
Will you let me know when that goes out of fashion? When that shit stop, I'll let you know.
And if you see me doing anything else that the black community might frown upon as being uncool, you're gonna let me know.
I'll stop your ass.
You know I will.
( chuckles ) Now go upstairs and start lamping.
I'm so excited right now.
- Like, I can't even tell you.
- Sure.
I just never thought that I'd be having a wedding.
- Have you been married? - I have, yes.
So, you've had a wedding, so you know how awesome it is.
- Yeah, but I wasn't excited in the least.
- Oh, you weren't? - No.
But I never get excited, you know.
- About anything? No, my mother used to say to me, "Larry, you-- you never get excited.
" - Really? - "Can't you be excited?" It-- it broke her heart.
I-- there's no excitement.
Well, I'm excited, - so I appreciate you letting me talk.
- That's-- that's great.
I have a couple of questions, logistically, about how the whole thing works.
- Okay.
- So, when the rabbi or the minister or whoever says, "Do you take so-and-so--" what's your fiancée's name? - Numa.
- Numa.
"Do you take Numa to be your lawfully wedded wife" It doesn't really work like that.
Oh.
Okay, but what about, um, "Here Comes The Bride"? Who gets the song? - I'm getting that song.
- You're getting the song? You're getting "Here Comes The Bride"? Yeah.
That's my song.
I wanted to be the bride and Numa's actually always wanted to be the groom, so it worked out good.
Not really getting, uh, bride vibes from you.
Well, that's 'cause you're not at the wedding With all due respect, yeah, I don't see bride.
I don't see bride, okay, from here.
No, try and see it.
Try and see it.
- We're at the wedding-- - I can't see it.
- My dad walks me down the-- the thing.
- Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
I have a veil with, like, - a flower-- - Oh, my God, you got the gown, too? - Yeah.
- Oh, no, this is a huge, huge mistake.
- No, it's-- um, it's amazing.
- No.
Look, you got a picture of Numa? Okay, she's beautiful, obviously.
( scoffs ) Okay.
That's a-- that's a bride, okay? - Well - That's a bride.
That's a groom.
Believe me, I say this only with the best intentions.
That's a fuckin' bride.
You a goddamn groom.
- The groom, right? - You a goddamn groom.
- Yeah.
- What's her name? - Numa.
- Numa fine as fuck.
- Right? She is.
- You are one lucky-ass groom.
- Thank you.
- She gorgeous? Leon: I'll see you later.
Mm.
Hey, we need more peanut butter.
Okay, well, we're done.
Oh.
Uh, how much do I owe you? - Uh, 150.
- ( scoffs ) 150? Yeah, boy, you're gonna love that.
Oh, boy, you're making quite a living there barbering.
150 for a bald man? - For a haircut? - Yeah, well, you're not bald.
- You do have hair.
- Well yeah.
- So, thanks.
- Yeah, yeah.
Think about what I said.
- Okay? - Thank you.
You're a lovely girl, Betty, but, uh, you're not a bride.
Unfortunately.
Unfortunately.
( chatter continues ) So, this is more of the kick-off, - and then we'll have a big gala-- - Cheryl? - Hi.
Excuse me.
- Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
- Oh, really? - Thank you for coming.
What is this name, PAM? That's the best you could do? It's like-- it's a cooking spray-- PAM.
No, it's People Against Mutilation, genital mutilation.
Yeah, I know what it stands for.
And there are very few charities that actually focus on the clitoris and talk about it.
I think you got half the population focused on the clitoris.
- I'm deadly focused on it.
- You are? - Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey, Ted! - How are you? - I haven't seen you in a while.
- I know! - I know.
It's nice to see you.
- Where's Mary? Mary? Oh, uh, yeah ( sighs ) Oh, you know, I haven't seen you guys for so long.
Mary and I have been separated for, like, three months, you know.
- The divorce is almost final.
- What? - My bad.
Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- Holy mackerel.
- I am shocked.
Oh, no, no, no.
Truth is I think we're better friends now than when we were married.
That's total bullshit.
You just-- you have to say that to yourselves to wean yourself off the relationship.
- What is that? - It's a breath spray.
Oh, thank God.
I think Jeff's looking for you.
Yeah, one second.
Gotta go talk to my manager.
- Okay.
- Big stuff happening.
- Ooh.
- Big stuff.
- Strangest man on the planet.
- ( chuckles ) I know.
Crazy, crazy exciting.
- Really? - Yep.
Every producer I sent "Fatwa!" to is in.
- Wow.
- Every producer I talked to.
I've got so many producers that want to do this.
- Look at you, Mr.
Broadway.
- ( scoffs ) Got you booked on "Jimmy Kimmel" to talk about it already.
- Really? Do I need to do that? - Yep.
Oh, yeah, you need to do that.
Get out there, start talking about this.
This is very exciting.
Hey, how much does Betty charge you for a haircut? - 75.
- She charged me $150.
- Twice as much? - Twice as much.
- That's crazy.
- I know it's crazy.
- Why would she do something like that? - I don't know.
- She ripped me off.
- You want me to call her? No, no, no.
I'm gonna say something to her.
- Feel free.
- Good.
Hey, it's Lewis.
Come here.
- I'll meet you over there.
- Cool, cool.
All right, I'll meet you over there.
Fine.
- Happy? - No, I'm not, actually.
- This is not the middle.
- I don't move again.
The middle-- the middle would've been over there.
I took way more steps than you did to get here.
- I'm older than you.
- Hey, by the way, good news about "Fatwa!" There's a lot of producers interested in it.
I don't care about your fucking play, 'cause my bird died and you sent the most ridiculous, despicable text.
"Sorry about your bird.
The good news is I'm still alive.
" - Prick.
- Prick? This is a tragedy and you treated it like it was nothing to me.
- How dare you? - I-- I don't see it as a tragedy.
You don't? Why not? It's my bird.
- If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy.
- Oh, really? Or some exotic bird from Brazil like a macaw or a toucan.
I don't live in a Cuban dancehall.
I live in my own home and it doesn't take toucans.
You know, it's a dead parakeet.
That's a funny thing.
I loved him.
It was unconditional love.
- It was-- even-- - Unconditional love? - He came over-- - He doesn't know you from a hole in the wall.
He knows me.
He knew you.
Remember he came over once? He went, "Seinfeld, Seinfeld.
" He loved you, too.
I'm not quite sure it was "Seinfeld.
" ( imitates parakeet ) And you-- you thought that was "Seinfeld.
" - Yeah.
- No.
( imitates parakeet ) Yeah, that's not Seinfeld.
You know why I'm laughing? At the sadness of your entire existence.
- Well - You're so unjust-- I take that as a great compliment.
Well, there's a lack of empathy and compassion and sympathy for practically everything in your life.
There's a lack of everything.
- Don't you feel good about-- - Look, you're a comedian.
You're supposed to be able to take a joke, you know? You're supposed to laugh about everything.
Just because I'm a comedian, I have to find everything in the world funny? Yes, everything's funny.
You're devoid of anything that's remotely caring or empathetic.
- And it's sad, and I-- - Are you sure a dead parakeet isn't funny? This, to me, is a tragedy.
- I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna go, too.
- I'm going this way.
- No, no, I'm going this way.
No, you came from that way.
You go that way, I'll go this way.
No, I wanna go that way.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey.
I'm late, I'm late.
I know.
Nice of you to show up.
Well, Larry, I've been so crazy busy.
I've never been like this in my life.
Did Jeff tell you about my new business? I heard something.
What is it? Soaps On.
It's a skin care, bath products, all organic - Soaps On? - sustainable.
Could you come up with a worse name than Soaps On? It's a great name.
You know, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- It's a great name.
- Okay, good, good.
So, what have you been doing? You've been working at night on it? Nonstop.
I think I'm gonna have to hire an assistant.
I think I have to maybe-- maybe more than one.
What? Did I just hear you say you needed to hire an assistant? I think I do, yeah.
I'm burning the candles on both ends.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Well, you know, I'm gonna be going to New York to do the play.
Yeah, "Fatwa!" And I'm not gonna be able to take my assistant.
- She's good? - Oh, good? She's-- she's the best I ever had.
Well, what's her history? Where-- where is she-- - Oh, she worked for Kimmel.
- Jimmy Kimmel? - Yeah.
- Oh, he's a big star.
- Ah - What? What? - Come on, what? - Eh - What? - I can't give her up.
- I-- I can't.
She's-- - What are you gonna use her for? You're gonna be on the phone with her here and you're in New York? That's ridiculous.
That doesn't make any sense.
You need to hire a new assistant in New York and let me take this one.
What the hell? You can have her! - Ah! Yay! - Huh? Yeah! - Oh, I love you so much! - Ha ha! Yeah? Oh, this is great! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, Lar.
- Me, too.
- You won't be sorry.
Trust me.
Fantastic! Pretty good.
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
( women arguing ) Betty: I'm not saying you can't be the groom.
I'm just saying I think I might not be the bride.
I saw myself and then I'm gonna walk down the-- Wha-- Larry? What are you doing here? The door-- the door was ajar.
You! You're the one that put this in her head? - What? What? I-- - What is your agenda, man? - No, I didn't do anything.
- Of course he just shows up, too.
- Out of nowhere.
Just-- you're here now.
- The door was ajar.
The-- you left the door ajar.
You have no business weighing in on this wedding, okay? It's not completely his fault, um, but-- ( stammering ) No, I just thought-- Look, you're a beautiful bride.
- You should be a bride.
- I'm the groom.
I don't wanna be the bride.
You're not groomy, she's not bridey.
- You know-- - How is it appropriate for you to have an opinion about this? Well, because I know her.
She gave me a haircut.
She charged a lot of money for it, by the way.
What kind of psychopath interferes with the nuances of a lesbian wedding? Hey, I saw wrong and tried to right it.
That's all.
- I can't believe-- - That's what Ted Kennedy said about Robert Kennedy at his funeral.
I'm-- I'm like Robert Kennedy.
You know what's not Robert Kennedy-ish? - Hmm? - Wandering into people's homes and spouting nonsense.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, don't leave the door ajar.
- Stop saying "ajar"! - Okay.
What is really going on here? Do you need a hobby? ( scoffs ) Not a terrible idea.
You're-- you're right about that.
That's-- that's a good idea.
I just can't seem to find the motivation.
You know, when I was a kid, I would collect butterflies.
I would go in the park, I had a-- a net, and I would-- I would use the net.
I cannot tell you how much satisfaction there is in trapping a butterfly in a net I didn't expect you to actually answer-- I didn't expect an actual answer to that question! It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter about him.
- It doesn't-- - I'm done.
It doesn't matter about him.
I just want you to be happy.
I want us to have a successful wedding and a successful life.
- Fantastic.
- I'll do anything you want.
- Whatever you want.
- I wanna be the groom.
You waited too long.
That's everything I need to know.
- No, no, no! - Here is your ring.
- I wish this friendship the best.
- No.
Oh - What? - Aw, come on.
No.
No, don't-- no.
Come, come-- no.
- Here, allow me.
- What the fuck are you doing? - No good? - I don't need you to hold the door for me, you prick.
You see? See what happens? I held the door, she didn't like it.
You chastised me for holding the door.
What's a guy supposed to do? I'm betwixt and between.
- Why are you here? - I'll tell you why I'm here.
'Cause I asked Jeff what you charged him for a haircut and he told me $75.
- Uh-huh.
- You charged me $150.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's up with that? Get the fuck out of my house.
Okay.
Are you sure? Okay, I got it.
I got that.
( sing-song ) I've got some news.
Wha-- what is it? Okay, 'cause of the musical, I might be going to New York.
And I thought, "What am I gonna do about Mara?" So, guess what.
I got you a job with my friend, a very close friend of mine, as her assistant.
She's starting this new company called Soaps On - for natural bath and beauty products-- - Larry, th-thank you.
I-- This woman really knows what she's doing.
And by the way, she's such a terrific person.
This woman's a-- she's a fucking saint, okay? Well, okay.
I mean ( sighs ) Don't take this the wrong way.
Always, this job felt a little bit - like it wasn't challenging enough.
- Is that so? So this-- this could be a good opportunity.
We can start right now.
Yeah, let's pack you up and let's get you the hell out of here.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for all the-- the-- the work, the hard work that you did, even though it wasn't very challenging at all.
- And I don't even know what you did, exactly, but - You know, I just-- it just-- you claim to have done something, but I'm sure you did.
Anyway, let's go.
- There we go.
- Careful.
There we go.
You got this, you got all this.
Oh, look, you got little cookies and cakes here.
Okay, take the plant.
Yeah.
There you go.
Okay.
Take your water.
Get this out.
- I just-- - What else? We're done.
We're good.
There we go.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, you're gonna have a good time.
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
Can't you walk a little faster with that thing? They-- they have Olympic events for that.
They speed along.
Do you want to get a celebratory drink or? Nah.
I don't think so.
All right, then.
Well, should we-- should we hug goodbye? I'll tell you what.
Let's do one of these.
There we go.
Now you got your box, we had a little hug.
- Thanks, Larry.
- All right, you take care.
- All right.
- We'll see ya.
- Bye, Leon.
- Give my best to Susie.
- Tell her I said hi.
- See ya.
- ( door closes ) - Tell me that's what the fuck I think it is.
- That's a foist.
- Mm, fuck! That was a foist! - My man, look at you.
- Yep! - You did it! - Huh? How 'bout that? She ain't gonna limp her ass back up in here, right? - Oh, no chance.
- Draggin' that goddamn foot, right? No chance.
She's been foisted, man.
So she's not coming back? - Nope.
- She's out of here for good? - Out.
- ( chuckles ) I can do this.
What? What are you talkin' about? I can do this shit.
What? Do what shit? I can be your new assistant.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's-- that's impossible.
Come on, man.
( phone ringing ) Larry David's office.
What the fuck is up? Oh, I'm sorry, that bitch got foisted.
You only get half price 'cause you drive a goddamn Smart car.
All right? Don't call me no fucking more.
Mm.
- Hey! Hey! - Hey, how you doin'? What's happening? Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Hi.
- How are you? Welcome.
- What's going on? - Not-- this is Leon, by the way.
- This is Jimmy.
- Good to be here, baby.
- Good to have you here.
- He's my temporary assistant.
- ( phone chiming ) - Hold on, hold on.
Hey, Jeff.
What's up? - Hey.
Is that for me? - We at "Jimmy Kimmel.
" I'm gonna take it outside.
Fucking good as fuck.
- What is this, crudité? - Yeah, crudité, yeah.
Crudi-take.
All right? What are you doing? Don't take that.
It's fine because-- no, we-- - it's not like we reuse it.
- Hey, are you nuts? - Put the fucking thing back, you asshole.
- Fuck you, Larry! Fuck you! - So, Jeff - ( chuckles ) - He's not gonna take it.
It's a joke.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- How you doing? Everything all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Good.
- What have you been up to? - Uh, you know, just lampin'.
Lamping? Like L-A-M-P-I-N-G? There's no "G" at the end.
Lampin'.
Lampin'.
Okay.
All right.
Is that-- - It's black slang.
I pick it up from him.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, all right.
- I didn't realize that.
- But, um let me, uh-- let me congratulate you, by the way.
Oh, thank-- on what? On the wonderful, fantastic job of foisting that you did.
- What do you mean? - Nice job.
You foisted Mara on me.
I did foist her on you.
- I did.
I really did foist her on you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Fantastic foist.
- I told-- and by the way, Marty Short foisted her on me.
He foisted her on you.
Okay, well, guess what.
You've gotta now foist her on somebody else.
- Yeah.
- Done.
It's already done.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- It feels good, right? - Thank you.
Oh, my God.
It's like a pyramid scheme, almost.
Uh, yeah.
In a way, yes.
Eventually there will-- somebody at the end will have to marry her.
- Exactly! Exactly, yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, thanks for coming.
It's great to have you here.
- Yeah, thanks.
I'll see you out there.
- All right, see you out there.
- Take it easy.
- It's gonna be fun.
Now, um, I understand you have a new project.
New-- something you're working on.
Yes, yes.
I've, uh-- I've written a musical for Broadway.
- Mm-hmm? - It's called, uh, "Fatwa!" - ( audience laughing ) - "Fatwa"? - "Fatwa!" - And what is a fatwa? A fatwa is a death sentence handed out by the ayatollah.
And this is a comedy? - Yes, yes.
- Okay.
All right.
It's a musical comedy.
The ayatollah's in it.
Oh, the ayatollah is in it? Of course the ayatollah is in it.
How can you have a fatwa without an ayatollah? You do need an ayatollah, right.
What appeals to you about the ayatollah? The whole-- you know, the denunciation.
There's a lot of denunciation going on.
- The denunciation, okay.
- All day long, he's denunciating.
- He does do a lot of that.
- He does a lot of this, a lot of, you know.
- Uh-huh.
- By the way, I just did it four times.
I started to get denunciation elbows.
- You have to be careful.
- Yeah, you gotta be careful.
- You can kill yourself.
- It's not easy to be the ayatollah.
It requires a lot of energy.
Yeah, yeah.
How many ayatollahs are there? Are there only one ayatollah? Well, now there's only one ayatollah, and they all seem to have the same name and they all seem to spell it the same way.
And you never know-- if you look at the history of ayatollahs, they-- it all seems like one person.
- Yeah, yeah.
- They all look exactly the same, and their names are Khamenei, Khameeni, Khomani.
In a way, it's like the way KFC - has the different comedians play Colonel Sanders.
- Yes, yes.
- It's the same thing.
- What else about the ayatollah do you know? He's, uh-- he doesn't like Waze.
He likes-- he likes to-- he likes to navigate on his own, you know? - Oh, Waze, okay.
- Yeah, he doesn't like Waze.
He gets in the car.
Don't tell-- don't give him any direction.
He doesn't like to be told things.
"I know how to go.
The Waze takes me to-- to El Mansour Boulevard and gives me a left turn in rush hour.
No good.
" - You know.
- I feel like maybe I've been in an Uber with the ayatollah, 'cause I've heard this very same dialogue.
- That's possible.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Do you know about the ayatollah's life? Like, does he-- does he eat cereal? He loves granola.
- He does? - Yes.
Well, well.
Look at you.
You got here ahead of me.
I can't believe it.
God damn right.
I'm doing my fucking dizzle, baby.
Jesus, you're-- you're workin'.
Hey, that ayatollah bit you did on "Kimmel" was fucking great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You liked it? - I fuckin' loved it.
- Oh, good.
- ( phone ringing ) Larry David's office.
What's up? - Let me speak to Larry.
- It's Jeff.
Okay, transfer it to here.
How? - I don't know.
- What's taking so long? Get Larry! Hold on, Jeff.
Hold on.
- Hey.
- Turn on the TV! - What channel? - Every channel! Every goddamn channel! You're a complete and total fuck-up.
You're a total, total fuck-up.
Larry David, who you may know as the co-creator of "Seinfeld," went on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last night to talk about his new musical called "Fatwa!" in which the ayatollah is one of the main characters.
There's a small harem.
Uh, he has a fetish for redheads.
And twice a year, he goes to Ireland on a harem shopping spree.
Today, the Ayatollah Abdullah Kazemaini of Iran has accused Larry David of blasphemy, issuing an actual fatwa and calling for the death of the comedian.
Here's what the ayatollah had to say.
( speaking Persian ) Larry David.
"Seinfeld.
" - What the fuck?! - "What the fuck" is right.
Interpreter: No one would dare insult the sacred beliefs of Muslims, nor disparage our honor.
I didn't disparage.
There was no disparage.
- You did disparage.
- No, no.
I didn't disparage! I begged you not to imitate the ayatollah.
- No, you didn't! - I told Leon.
I said you got to get this message to him.
Jeff told you to tell me not to do the ayatollah? I didn't fucking remember.
How the fuck am I gonna remember that shit? - ( both shouting ) - What the fuck is wrong with you?! - I didn't know what the fuck-- - Oh, my God! What the fuck?! Larry David! Interpreter: So I call on valiant Muslims, wherever they may be, to kill Larry David without delay.
- What?! - And whoever may die in this cause will be a martyr.
No! I'll repent! I'll be punished! Even if Larry David repents, he will be condemned to death.
I'll-- I'll convert! I'll become a Muslim! Even if Larry David converts to Islam, he should still be sent to hell.
- ( shouts ) Jeff! - You got a fucking fatwa! - I got a fatwa! - You got fatwa'd! No! Agent: Gentlemen, the FBI takes this very seriously.
But it's nothing that you really need to worry about.
What the-- that's so easy for you to say.
I-- the ayatollah mentioned my name.
The fucking guy was on television, screaming my name.
( imitates ayatollah ) Larry David! ( imitating continues ) Larry David! I'm doing Spanish, it sounds like.
( imitates speaking Spanish ) Larry David! Quick question.
Um, what about friends of people that have fatwas? Fatwa by association.
What kind of fucking question is that? - Do I associate with you? - Yeah.
Okay.
I wanna know what my situation is.
Fatwa by association.
What do you know about it? - You're fine as well.
- I am? - You're fine.
- Hey, I got an idea.
I go on the "Jimmy Kimmel" show and I apologize.
- I apologize to the ayatollah.
- You think I didn't think of that? I've already talked to the "Kimmel" show.
They want nothing to do with you.
This whole thing's falling apart.
Every "Fatwa!" producer has called me.
This is all dead.
( Larry whispers ) Hey.
- It's me.
- Holy shit.
- What are you doing? - What am I doing? - I'm wearing a disguise.
- You think that's gonna help? Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt.
What am I supposed to do? Disguises have been employed effectively in the past.
Tyra Banks dressed up as a fat person on her show to see what it's like being fat.
Needless to say, it wasn't very pleasant.
Have you ever seen "Undercover Boss"? The guy goes undercover, nobody even knows who he is.
He's the boss of the whole company.
He fools everybody.
Well, you know what the good news is? I'm still alive.
You know what? That's not funny.
- It's not funny.
- You know, you're a comedian.
You should be able to take a joke.
What, you're comparing this to your dead parakeet? - Nothing compares to my dead parakeet.
- Yeah.
Numa: Larry David! - I know you're in here.
I saw your car.
- Holy shit.
- Fatwa? - ( whispers ) No, lesbian bride.
Larry David? Where the fuck are you, Larry? Prepare to die, baldy.
I know you're in here, Larry! I'm gonna fucking kill you! And the next time a door's ajar, maybe stay the fuck out! I'm gonna fucking kill you! Larry fucking David! ( water rushing ) ( door squeaks ) Fatwa?! No, cocksucker.
Foisted!