Dan Vs. (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

Ah, come on! Come on! Come on! It's 3:00 in the afternoon! Don't you people have jobs? Helicopter Hal here, your traffic correspondent.
Traffic looks really bad in all directions! Ooh! Look at all that gridlock! Now, that's what I call job security, money in my pocket.
Whoops.
Is this thing on? Am I on? Hello? Oh, how do all of you know when I have to pee? I just need to get home.
Aah! You rubberneckers! What are you all gawking at? What is causing all this delay? If somebody broke down, get a bulldozer, push them onto the median, and let 'em fend for themselves! A sock? That's the holdup? Come on! Just keep cool.
Traffic's moving again.
Soon you'll be home in your own bathroom! Perfect! That's all I need! You son of-- and you'll be able to see the crater from space! Oh, no! Come on! Bladder emergency! So long, suckers! I hate everyone.
What's the big rush? Look, Officer, I had three large sodas while watching a movie called "Rushing Waters," and the bathroom at the dollar theater was out of order! You may go.
Thank you.
What the-- Oh, give me a break.
Hey! Shepherd! Move the flock out of my way! Move it! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no TRAFFIC!!! Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone.
Thank you for calling the sales offices of-- Chris, it's Dan.
I need help.
Get over here.
Yeah, that's a big "No can do.
" - I'm at the office.
- So? So I'm working, for money.
Tell your organ grinder to give the hurdy-gurdy a rest! We have to do something about the traffic in this town! Boy, tell me about it! Do you know how long it took me to get to work today? - Why would I care about that? - You called me.
Are you coming over or not? Not until they sign my time card.
Forget it! You're dead to me! That seemed unnecessarily harsh.
Hey, sweetie! Hi, hon! Oh.
What's all that? I'm developing a nonlethal, but debilitating chemical weapon for an unnamed government agency.
How was work? Fine.
Nonlethal? Yeah.
It's an inhalant that gives the target acute, intense vertigo for several months, thus rendering them unable to use a weapon effectively, but keeping them alive.
And why are you making it in our kitchen? Officially I never told you this, but there was a teensy accident in the lab today.
So many mutants.
Isn't that kind of dangerous to be mixing chemicals in the kitchen, I mean, where we eat? Yes, it is dangerous.
You are going to have to be very careful.
Oh, great.
So I can't come into our own kitchen without worrying I'm going to get some sort of mind-debilitating illness? I'd like you to know this really stresses me out! I mean, I like-- oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! I have vertigo! I can't stop falling! I have-- That was my ice tea.
Oh, good.
Maybe you could go out and get me another one.
Of course! Just let me clean this up! Don't touch anything.
- I'll get it.
- Okay! Just go.
Sorry! Road's closed! Reproductive harm could result if you drive on the 101! Move along! Excuse me.
When will the highway be open again? Never! Move along! - Never? But-- - I said move it, jerk-face! You never listen! That's not fair! You don't even know me! Wait Dan? Pfft.
No.
- Dan, it's Chris! - I know who you are! What are you doing? I'm closing all the exits on the 101.
Soon this road will be mine! Dan, get in the car.
- No.
- Dan! Whoops.
Time to go! - Well, that didn't work.
- Of course not! You can't just close off a major highway because you're tired of traffic.
Stupid police.
If they didn't have the law on their side And guns, and numbers.
Hmm, so you're saying step one is to destroy the police.
Okay, A: I didn't say that, and, B: that sounds really illegal.
If you hate traffic, why don't you just take the bus? If I take the bus, I'm still in traffic, plus I'm on a bus with rotten-smelling bus people! I take the bus sometimes.
- Exactly my point, stinko.
- I do not stink! You smell like defeat and tea.
Can I drop you off? I've got to get back to Elise.
She's working on a chemical designed to give people vertigo if they inhale it.
Why would anyone inhale it, then? It's a weapon.
Hey, this traffic's not moving.
- Ohh! - Let's get the traffic report.
Everything's backed up! You people down there can't get anywhere, but I can go anywhere I want in my helicopter! You look like tiny, little ants from way up here.
Oh, wow.
There's a red one! I am going to make that guy pay somehow! I promise you that! That took a while.
I ran into Dan, gave him a lift home.
Is that your weapon? Okay, I know that sometimes I tell you not to eat something in the refrigerator, but this time, I'm really, really serious.
Do not open these canisters! Okay.
I promise I won't eat your chemicals even if I get hungry.
- Thank you for calling-- - Chris, where are you? You called my work number.
I'm at work.
Unacceptable.
Get over here now.
- Nuh-uh.
- What do you mean, "Nuh-uh"? Look, you have to respect the fact that I have a job.
I don't have to do anything! Can't you just let it go? And let traffic win? Admit defeat? Never! Well, I can't leave work.
Yes, you can! Just get up and walk out! Do it! Do it now! Look, I'll be over around 6:30, okay? You know, there's no personal calls allowed.
Where have you been? I need help with my plan! Really, I only need assistance on the first part.
I don't mean to criticize, but I don't think that's a very good plan.
Of course it is! If you crush all the cars in your way, you could hurt someone, and they'd arrest you.
All right, genius.
How do you think I can avoid traffic? I can't get a permit for my network of tubes that I wanted to build so I could travel around the city.
And my jetpack experiment failed miserably.
That's because you tried to build it out of an old ceiling fan, a lawn mower engine, and a car battery.
It could have worked.
Have you thought about the bus? Again? What is it with you and the infernal public transportation system? It's better for the environment, it's better for traffic, and isn't that your whole thing right now? My thing is not joining a bunch of filthy vagrants on their death wagon.
All I'm saying is if more people took the bus, there would be fewer cars on the road, and traffic would get better.
Is it possible that somehow, with your pathetic intellect, that you actually contributed something positive to this endeavor? Okay, it sounds like you just paid me a compliment, but for some reason, I feel insulted right now.
You're welcome.
Hello! Welcome to Wally's Hardware Emporium and Explosives Depot! How may I help you? Actually, I'm not shopping for anything today.
Actually, I'm not shopping for anything today.
I just wanted to let you know that there's some guy down the street who says hacky sack's not a sport.
What? Hacky sack is totally a sport! It takes coordination, poise, grace, coordination! Hey, don't tell me! Tell him! Don't think I won't.
Did you pay for those? Quick.
Load these up, but carefully.
I need to go back and get more while the cashier's distracted.
Are you stealing explosives? Borrowing! We'll bring them back after we're done using them.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, wait! I don't feel right about this.
Look, we both agree that traffic is out of control, right? Right, but I don't see how we're going to fix the problem with stolen explosives.
That's because you're shortsighted and you smell.
Oh, man! Oh, man, I am so fired! Dan, be careful with those! - We'll start at this end.
- Start what? Putting the explosives under the cars.
Then we'll retreat to a safe distance and set them off.
No cars - no traffic! That's your plan? Look, even if you destroy every single car in this dealership, you're no closer to your goal.
Sure, I am! But they can always make more cars! I'll admit it's a temporary solution.
It's not a solution at all! Do you know how many people there are in this city? I don't know.
Thousands? Dan, there are several million, which means you'd have to destroy hundreds of thousands of cars just to make the smallest dent in the traffic.
We're going to need more explosives.
It's not going to work, Dan.
This was your idea! You said fewer cars equal less traffic! I meant fewer drivers on the road equals less traffic! So you want me to blow up a bunch of drivers? I did not say that! Because that seems a tad extreme.
Dan, don't blow anything up or anyone, seriously! Fine! What am I going to do with all these explosives? We should probably take them back to the store.
All right.
Help me put them back in the car.
Whoops.
What did you do? I'm not sure, but we should probably get back way back.
Dan, what are you doing?! Seat belts.
There is a literal ticking time bomb next to the car! We've got to get out of here now! Then I guess you'd better stop arguing and put your seat belt on.
It's the carpocalypse! Real nice, Dan.
You almost killed us.
Way to go.
Almost only counts in horseshoes and Subject is experiencing severe vertigo, Ioss of balance.
Conclusion-- total success.
Helicopter Hal here with a special update on that giant explosion.
Fortunately, no one was hurt, but the destruction of the Southland Auto Dealership has traffic backed up on every freeway! Oh, yeah.
Hey, you.
How's Dan doing? We didn't blow anything up, if that's what you're asking.
It was an accident anyway-- plus it was Dan's fault.
Chris, is there something you want to talk about? No! Yes.
You did what?! Dan, Elise wants to talk to you about getting me into trouble.
How can a human being live like this? It's like a giant petri dish! I hope Dan hasn't done anything rash.
Hello, Chris and Elise.
If you're watching this, then my plan has worked.
I don't like it when Dan has a plan.
Chris, a couple of things you said have given me an idea.
I'm not going to blow up a bunch of drivers like you suggested.
I did not suggest that! But when you mentioned that Elise was developing a new chemical weapon, I realized something.
I may have said something about that.
If the entire city has vertigo, they can't very well drive, can they? - Oh, no.
- So thank you for the idea! And, Elise, thank you for creating a nonlethal solution to my traffic problem! That was my laugh of triumph.
Did you like it? Because you are my friends, I have soaked two bath towels in water for you to put over your heads while I release the chemical agent over the city, because I care about you guys.
They're in the toilet.
- We have to go! Now! - I didn't mean to tell Dan about your weaponized vertigo agent.
Yeah, we'll talk about that later! Oh, no.
Yeah, this is really, really bad! We've got to eat all the food before it spoils! Hey, where are all of your canisters full of-- Oh, right.
You know, when you think about it, this is really Dan's fault.
Yeah, it usually is, but right now we need to figure out his delivery method.
He's got to disperse the inhalant over the city somehow, maybe a crop duster or something.
What? Helicopter Hal, we meet at last.
Nice jacket.
I don't sign autographs, thanks.
Oh, I'm no fan.
Ohh Why? That's for making me pee! - What? - You love traffic! Well, it is my bread and butter! That's 'cause I can't digest butter! Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity.
I didn't.
Now get in there and fly this thing.
We have a Broken Arrow situation on our hands.
Lock in my coordinates.
I need an A1-36.
So what's an A1-36? Uh, work stuff.
I'm not sure you've ever told me exactly what you do for a living.
I know.
I've prepared this statement.
- I can't read this.
- Why? Journalistic integrity? No, you've got the penmanship of a four-year-old.
Just put me on the radio! Oh, no problem.
People of Earth, this is your Supreme Overlord! You know, you'd be funny if you weren't so sad.
Just fly me over central Los Angeles! You never saw this.
Now stay here.
- I'm coming with you.
- But you get airsick.
I don't care! I want to help! I love you! Look at that mess.
Soon it will just be a memory.
Hey, what is that thing? I don't know.
I've never seen anything like it in 20 years of award-winning journalism.
Dan, surrender immediately! Well, that can't be good.
Evasive action! What? No, don't do that! Dan, this is your last warning! Land the helicopter and let the minor celebrity go! Minor celebrity? Did you really not know? - Dan! - Wait! We're up too high! The prevailing wind currents could blow that stuff all the way to Bakersfield if you release it now! Aah! Look at the ground! It's getting closer! Aim for something soft! Lucky we were wearing our seat belts! Where are the police? Famous person in trouble here! They're probably stuck in traffic and you're not famous.
I'm on the radio, FM! - Give me your jacket.
- No! Give me your jacket! - Give me your jacket! - Stop biting my ear! - Get off me! - Give me-- - give me your jacket! - Dan! - Oh! - Dan! - Something I can help you with? - There's one missing! Oh, yeah.
I lost my grip on it when you tried to kill me! I'm going to say this to you once.
Do not shout at me.
Are you kidding?! What was that all-- And I'm taking my jacket back.
Are you okay? Hmm What happened? You, uh, fainted.
Did you get your chemicals back? - All but one.
- Where'd that one go? I'm not sure exactly.
What's going on? Whoa!