Dilbert (1999) s01e11 Episode Script

Charity

Hey, I know you.
You live across the street.
Oh, yeah? What's my name? Uh I don't know.
Right, so let's just keep this on a professional level.
Okay.
I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam.
How many cartons should I put you down for? Will my money go to a good cause? Well, what do you consider a good cause? Feeding the poor? Our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe.
It's in New York.
I know where it is.
Aren't both of your parents successful attorneys? Is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way? Your family is rich.
Why should I PAY FOR YOUR VACATION? My troop leader said people are nice if you give them a chance.
She said I would learn from this experience.
No, no.
It's okay.
Don't cry.
It's so unfair.
First, your generation pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources.
Now, this.
Okay, okay, just calm down; I'll buy a box.
That'll be $80.
Eighty dollars? For cookies? Okay, take my money.
Go visit the Fashion Cafe.
Maybe I'll buy a pony too.
Shouldn't you write down my name or something? I don't like to leave a paper trail.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What? You buckled under the pressure wuss.
I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life.
I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime.
No, I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor.
It feels good to give.
Agh! That's ridiculous.
I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give.
You are on, my cynical friend.
Okay.
To settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good.
That wouldn't FEEL GOOD.
Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet.
Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not? Yes, but you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself.
This year, I have volunteered to chair the Associated Way charity drive for our county.
I think you all know why.
Is it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall? Yes, that, and something about poor people.
I expect they'll send me some details in the mail.
It's like you're a saint or something! No, Loud Howard, I'm no saint.
I just believe that people should do their fair share or in the case where one of those people is the boss other people should do it for him.
This is even more inspirational than last year.
Now, in keeping with tradition three charity coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless employees.
Wally.
Hey, top of the list four years in a row.
Whoo-whoo.
A dead guy we found in the stairwell, and the chair he's sitting in which we've named Ronald.
Mmm.
Tough competition.
Congratulations.
You will each be assigned an official Associated Way uniform and a donation container.
Cool.
Chicks dig a man in uniform.
Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful stylish "I Get to Keep my Job" t-shirts.
Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary.
Any questions? Yeah, what about the carnival? The carnival.
Please, please! Yes, yes, all right, youngsters.
Settle down.
We'll have the company charity carnival, okay? I hate that carnival.
All the money raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival and it's based on the premise of cheap thrills and cheating- Hardly charitable concepts.
How dare you! How dare you denigrate the carnival! Shh! Shh! Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival? I'm a god, and I rarely admit that.
No, it's just that, uh Well, okay.
Exactly where does the money go? Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about.
And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees.
Isn't the plaque made of wood? So? Then it does grow on a tree.
Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer? He's an arrogant bastard? Now listen, punk.
If you think you can reinvent the wheel- The Ferris wheel, that is- then go right ahead Carnival chairman Dilbert.
Ha-harr! What just happened? So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for? Here's 20 bucks.
Now leave me alone until next year.
Ooh, $20.
I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you.
You don't even know where the money goes.
I don't know where pudding comes from, but I eat it.
That is such a bad analogy.
Thank you, Wally.
Now I can never eat pudding again.
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories.
No matter what people say, Alice, looks ARE important.
Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society? Yes.
I signed up for payroll deduction.
I like to give.
I'm morally superior to Dilbert.
That is so illogical.
As long as there are starving people in the world you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral.
There is ample precedent for my behavior.
It is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford.
You just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the same.
That came out of my shoe budget.
Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.
It's a fragile system.
That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year.
What's so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes? Stop it.
You're ruining everything.
I mean, until you give it all AWAY you're not more moral.
You just feel less guilty.
I don't agree.
The concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context.
I mean, the relative value of guilt in a so-called free society I mean Altruistic inclinations are dependent upon I mean Damn.
You're right.
I hate that.
Hey, can you spare a few dollars for the Disabled Veterans of Retail Security? You don't look disabled to me.
I've got prickly heat.
Ed's just kind of slow.
Which one of us is Ed? You're on my turf, fellas.
Don't start with me! You wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill.
Can you settle this outside? I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion.
There's no such thing as perpetual motion.
Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday Who should I make that out to? To the Society of Guys With Large Bellies Who Don't Have Satellite Dishes Yet.
This will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see us.
I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewer's guide- that's extra.
Morning, gov'nor.
Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar? Only five dollars.
How do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the? What was the cause again? We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy.
Canine apathy? By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall round glasses and a tail? Okay, urchins, bring the money to the van.
You seem a little short.
No, sir.
No, I would never Do I have to run a full body-cavity search on you? Good.
And put more dirt on your face.
Dogbert.
I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet.
Uh-oh.
Chain reaction.
At least I'll get a few minutes of peace.
Howdy there.
My name is Foster from the organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.
Why don't they just change jobs? How's a cow going to change jobs, city boy? Use your head.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
Would you donate money to Women Who Cut Their Hair Too Short and Don't Realize How Bad It Looks? Money for Mountain Goats with Three Legs? Hey! You're hiding your leg.
I can see it.
Hey, mind your own business, buddy.
I'm not a man.
I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress.
Did I miss anything? Okay, here, here.
This is all I have.
Everyone just leave me alone.
Oh, Dilbert.
I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night.
Tell them how grateful I am.
Do you think this could have waited until later? Don't mind me.
I'll just wait.
There I was in the NBA- All-star forward multi-millionaire.
Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol.
Actually, that part was pretty good too.
I love DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune.
That's when the Associated Way helped me out.
I got sober; I started my own business.
Now I've got a beautiful wife great kids, a mistress a whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts and a Learjet, and best of all I haven't paid any taxes in years.
Thank you.
I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.
And now, to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our county coordinator is one of his flunkies: Dilbert.
On behalf of my boss who didn't care enough to be here thank you for this lovely plaque.
And if you don't mind me saying so, what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged-out basketball player? I mean, didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict your life will turn out fine? It seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an exercise in redistribution of guilt.
I'm all for helping the disadvantaged but aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs? Wouldn't it be more effective more cost-effective, more impactful if each of us just helped one other person? But I digress.
Thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss.
I'm sure you could have fed a family of four for what it cost to make it.
Dilbert's right.
It's all guilt.
It was just an argument.
I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind.
Too late, Gandhi.
You've killed charitable giving forever.
Excuse me, sir.
I I'm a woman, damn it! Sorry.
Help! It's over, man.
Charity's dead! That's it! Take this! Here.
Here's a donation.
Hey, what happened? What happened? Huh! Get this guy.
See, we're the cleaning crew- The crew that cleans up? I understand that.
Oh, do you, with your college degree.
You know, we might not be engineers but there's a certain science to what we do too.
Well, no, there's not.
But I'm not here to argue.
You've just discarded all of Alice's possessions.
What, this junk? Where she's going, she ain't going to be needing it.
Where's she going? The street.
The street? But how's she going to live? What about food, clothing, shelter? It's no problem.
It's not? Nope.
Not anymore.
Tell 'em! Homeless Depot is the PLACE for all your homeless needs.
And AT PRICES THAT CAN'T BE BEAT.
Homeless Depot.
Now in two convenient locations: Our original location at 11233 Skid Row, and visit our newest Homeless Depot at 4751/2, that dangerous part of that abandoned waterfront area down there.
Okay, let's see.
Sweater A sock old rags Carton of soggy cigarette butts Those are on sale, right? Do you have your Homeless Depot card? Of course.
That's another 20% off.
Alice.
What do you want, Dilbert? You gave all your money away? What choice did I have? You convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it.
Hey, that is a spiffy shopping cart.
You like it? I customized it.
Is that a motor? Yeah, nine horsepower.
Wow.
Alice, I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running again.
A carnival? You mean, like, with rides? Excuse me, do I know you? I'm your neighbor.
I'm your friend.
I'm your relative.
I'm the one you won't make eye contact with, the one you're afraid to say hello to.
So, in other words, no.
Nah.
We're here at the Charity Carnival The brainchild of this man, Dilbert Who, ironically, is the same man whose popular, outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people.
Was that a question? There you have it.
In his own words, he just doesn't care.
Wait.
I know this one.
It's Ted.
Darn.
How does he do it? Next! This booth is doing well.
Right this way! See the freaks.
One dollar.
Why not? I can't get an outside line! I can't even get an operator to get me an outside line! What does this button mean?! I've never heard that sound before! It's not a busy signal.
It's more like a a beep-beep, beep-beep That's funny.
I could've sworn I put my glasses down right here.
I was reading the paper and then I got up hmm.
Step right up! Step right up.
Knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy.
Watch how easy it is to win.
Come on, folks.
Don't be shy.
Bean a street urchin with a baseball.
They look innocent, but you know they've done something to deserve it.
What about you, sir? That is disgusting.
You mean to say, if I hit one of those kids with a baseball I could win some of this stuff? That's the premise.
Isn't that my camera and my binoculars and my CD Player? Tell you what I'll do.
You hit one kid in the noggin with one baseball and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth and go home.
All THE PRIZES? Is there an echo in here? All right, I'll take a shot.
Step right up.
Everybody plays.
Only I win.
Oh, that looks good.
How do they do that? Hi! Hi! Oh, something smells good.
Whoa.
I am just about partied out.
Oh, brother, I've got to sit down.
Oh oh, nobody's sitting here.
I'll just take a load off till I get chased away.
music La, dee-da, la, dee-da music Get a shot of the idiot on the dunking tank.
Well, hi, everybody! Oh, my God, they've killed the boss! There's no pulse! Are you sure he had one before? He's not breathing! Do you know what this means? What does it mean? Three-day weekend, maybe more.
Somebody's going to have to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Great.
Whoo! Stop that.
Well, I'll be.
Who would've guessed it? I've been date raped by Dilbert.
No, no, you were drowning.
I saved you.
So you didn't slip me a mickey and have your way with me? No.
Well, that's a first.
You're a hero now.
How does it feel? Strangely good- Except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget.
You saw it live- One man, acting against his own interests to help his fellow man nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some small way.
What you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete rebirth of the spirit of giving.
That's all from here.
Yeah! Way to go! That was beautiful.
Okay, pack it up.
We got a cat stuck in drainpipe across town.
If I'm not mistaken you just performed an act of charity without DRAINING YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
Yeah so? I believe I've made my point.
I just wanted to hear you admit it.
That woman does not LIKE TO LOSE AN ARGUMENT.
Huh.
Hmm Shoo.
All right, I'm not the organic matter you think I am despite anything you hear from my employees.
I'm going to need another plaque!