Dilbert (1999) s01e12 Episode Script

Do I have to wear this? Yes, Ratbert.
It's a Dogbert Day tradition.
Everyone must wear the uncomfortable festive headgear Except me.
I think a fruit fly just went up my nostril.
Do you mind? I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade.
Why don't you watch it in person? Then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary.
Look, Phil it's another one of those big things.
What are they called? I think that is called a float and the name originated right here in Seattle, yeah.
Hmm, they got further last year.
I forget.
Is Dogbert Day a national holiday? Well, right now, it's confined to this room but I'm trying to take it national.
I have a meeting with congress tomorrow.
How do you GET A MEETING WITH CONGRESS? I said I was a lobbyist for the A.
P.
W.
D.
B.
U.
D.
The Association of People Who Drink Beer and Use Dynamite? Exactly Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech.
Freedom of speech? What exactly are People Who Drink Beer and Use Dynamite trying to say? Uh, usually it's something like "I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home, Bobby Joe," but it's not what they say, it's their right to say it.
It is? Not really.
It's just an excuse to talk to congress so I can push my idea for a national Dogbert Day.
We'll return to the pine cone celebration after the body count.
Now, we join BABE GETS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM already in progress.
How does one celebrate Dogbert Day aside from wearing uncomfortable hats? Ratbert? On Dogbert Day, any child who has been good all year gets to shoplift for an hour.
I think good behavior should be rewarded.
The traditional Dogbert Day feast is the bald eagle.
I wanted something special.
The traditional music of Dogbert Day is a drum solo played on your own skull with spoons.
Do you think anyone will catch on to the fact that the entire Dogbert Day holiday is designed for the sole purpose of being annoying? No one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day.
I wondered who came up with that.
Hey! You broke my window.
It was already like that.
What are you talking about? I watched you do it.
Well, it looks like we have one of those he-said, she-said situations.
I also have it on videotape.
So, it's a he-said, she-said, grainy video situation.
I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a second.
You got quite a list of priors here, Dick.
Now it's going to be awkward every time I see him in the hallway.
Sign the Secretary's Day Card for Carol and route it around.
Have you every wondered who came up with Secretary's Day? Who comes up with any of this garbage? Here, I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding, a congratulations card for Mike's baby, three birthdays and a gender-change operation card that says, "Get well" and then on the inside it says, "Hung.
" Cute.
I signed those already.
Here.
Whoa, nice try, but I already signed it.
You know the rules.
You have to find the next person on the routing slip.
All right, all right.
Let the hunt begin.
I hate holidays.
Hey, Dick, old buddy, it's your turn to sign this Secretary's Day card.
There you are, Dilbert.
The meeting's just starting.
Can we go now?! Now, now, Loud Howard I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend and get on with our vacation plans.
What long weekend? There isn't a holiday for two weeks.
I think that's what makes it long.
Shut up, Dilbert.
You're keeping me off the slopes.
Be sure to ski near the trees.
It's more fun that way.
Can we go now?! No, Howard, we have to start the meeting.
Hey, a sports bra.
Can I have that? So, you're letting them play sports now? That's the same sound made by the mongoose before it swallows its prey, the rhinoceros.
Sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest one of those beautiful creatures.
It's quite a sight.
You know, that's the best time to bag a rhino.
They can't see you coming once they're inside the mongoose.
A mongoose is the size of a cat.
And they hibernate.
Did you know that? Can we go now?! No.
Not quite yet though, for the life of me, I'm not sure why.
Does anyone know why I called this meeting? Anybody? I'm asking for volunteers.
I have something to say.
We have too many holidays.
We have more holidays than days and if we're not celebrating a holiday we're either planning for the next one or we're recovering from the last one.
We spend all our time giving cards to people we don't know decorating cakes for people we don't care about or buying presents for people we don't even like enough to have as friends outside of work.
That reminds me- Thanks for the cufflinks.
Oh, you're welcome.
It seems that someone invents a new holiday every day- Holidays that don't make sense for reasons that we don't understand.
It's made all holidays meaningless.
I've always loved groundhog day.
Those little guys are so cute before you shoot them.
Is there some point here? Yes.
The reason we can't get any work done around here is because we don't have any non-holiday days.
So you think we should work nights instead.
Can we go now?! I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation.
No point in fighting it.
Meeting dismiss- Boys, you ought to get out there live a little.
If you need me, I'm reachable in Africa.
Just call Africa and ask for me.
I told them to expect your call.
How come you didn't leave with the rest of them, Asok? On my salary, I can only afford to take vacations within the building itself.
This year, I have saved up enough money to spend five days in the handicapped toilet of the fifth floor gentlemen's bathroom.
It is part of a restroom-hostel program.
So I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow.
No, just you.
My vacation commences in 10 minutes but feel free to visit me.
There is always room for guests.
Should I bring anything? Potato salad would be nice.
They move the holiday to a Monday so it's a three-day holiday.
Then they want to leave on Friday, to take full advantage of it but everyone's leaving on Friday and everyone wants to beat the traffic so they leave on Thursday.
And if you're leaving on Thursday why not Wednesday night? And you can't come back on Monday.
That's still a holiday.
And you can't come back on Tuesday because everybody comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart everybody and come back on Wednesday.
So, now, you're leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Wednesday And suddenly, a one-day holiday is now a week! Well, I guess I'll call it a day.
This secretary's day show your assistant how valuable he is by ordering him to buy flowers for himself at Honeybee Florist.
And don't forget- Tomorrow, the entire city will be closed down for the Priapism Awareness Parade.
I'm being holidayed to death.
I can't work; I can't listen to music; I can't use the highway.
Our regularly scheduled program, "Dr.
Lorna Calls You a Moron," won't be aired today because Dr.
Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone.
In her place, we bring you the senate subcommittee hearings on oh, something.
I, uh, yield my time to the distinguished senator from one of those states that, uh don't deserve roads and schools.
I don't know if the rest of you heard it but I think he just confessed to being a communist.
I yield the senator's time to myself.
You can't do that.
It's against the rules.
All in favor of changing the rules and just maybe getting a huge soft money campaign contribution in return say "aye.
" That's better.
Now, I'd like you all to sign a bill making Dogbert Day a national holiday and canceling all other holidays.
I thought you said you were a lobbyist for the Association of Beer- Drinking Dynamite Users.
Now, that I SUPPORT.
I don't know about this holiday thing.
It's a package deal.
I added the Dogbert Day bill as a rider to the Beer-Drinking and Dynamite Freedom Bill.
Does anyone have a match? Here you go, son.
If this sort of thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a slippery slope.
Thanks.
I make a motion that we vote on the national Dogbert Day bill.
I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays Is good for Rhode Island.
I, for one, would miss all the fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk and depressed and do things I don't remember, but always regret.
I propose an amendment that would add all of the holiday traditions to Dogbert Day.
Dogbert Day would have cheap, tacky gifts dangerous fireworks, visits from unpleasant relatives corny parades, bad barbecues- you name it.
Hmm, that sounds like it would be complicated and incredibly frustrating for everyone.
I'm all for it.
You have my full support.
Down with big government! All in favor, say "aye.
" Next on 40/40 we talk to Dogbert who convinced congress to cancel all holidays in favor of one holiday- Dogbert Day.
We'll also hear from his critics.
Dogbert, in your own words what motivated you to create Dogbert Day? I think it stems from my religious belief that everyone exists for the sole purpose of entertaining me.
Dogbert, ya little devil! I hope you rot in hell! You put us all out of business! There's a perfect example.
There ain't no pot of gold at the end of your rainbow! There's a pot of crap! You've ruined me! I've got a whole workshop full of starving reindeer and I don't know where half of my elves have gone.
No! Where am I going to get work now? I'm a specialist.
No, gross.
Up yours, cupid.
Give that back! Lay off, cotton ass! Whoa.
I haven't got a pot to It's always a bit tense around the Dogbert Day holiday.
Dogbert Day's always been my favorite holiday- Yeah, the virgin sacrifice, the senseless slaughter of endangered species.
Oh, I remember, you know, when I was a child the first time my dad gave me the jewel- encrusted dagger to plunge into the heart of the young virgin.
Her name was June, I think.
At one time, we talked of marriage but once she was dead we rarely spoke of it anymore.
It's funny how life works out.
Um, just a minor point of clarification: Dogbert Day is a brand-new holiday.
It's never been celebrated before.
Well, Christmas had its scrooge and now, Dogbert Day has its Dilbert.
Got to go.
Got to do my Dogbert Day shopping ooh! You'll never guess what I got you.
Never, go ahead, guess.
I don't know.
I'll give you a hint.
It's made of paper and it tells a story.
I don't know.
A book? Well, I hope you're happy.
You've ruined your own surprise.
And what would you like for Dogbert Day, little lady? You're not Dogbert! No, but I'm one of his many bitter and underpaid helpers.
What? You tell me what you want, and I'll make sure you get it.
Just give me your address and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight.
Help! No! Hey, no cutting in line.
I'm not cutting in line.
I was here.
You were supposed to save my place.
I don't know you.
Oh, thanks.
Do you mind if I stand behind you? Sure.
Hey, no cutting in line.
It's okay.
He said I could stand behind him.
He can't give permission to stand behind him.
In fact, the case law is very ambiguous about people you let in front of you.
Calm down, fella.
Where is your Dogbert spirit? Good question.
Maybe I'll call the manager.
What manager? There's no manager.
People always think there's a manager- Some magic manager who's going to put things right.
Well, there's not! Whoo.
Hey.
What? No cutting in line.
I was here.
How could you be here? I was here.
I don't think so.
Was he here? I don't know.
Looks like it's your word against his.
I am not letting this happen.
Huh, you lost your place.
I didn't.
I Back of the line, buddy.
Hey, don't forget your gift.
I'm blind! I can't see! Are you getting out? I think this is the best Dogbert Day parade we've ever covered.
Hey, just a little trivia.
Did you know that those huge balloons are filled with balsa wood? I thought it was helium.
Well, aren't you a piece of work? Alice, can you pick up the pace? I want people to see what I look like with my ears blown back.
Mmm.
That is excellent potato salad.
I have never had better.
It's the dill pickles.
Do not leave here without giving me that recipe.
Asok, can I ask you a question? Ask away.
I am on vacation and have all the time in the world.
What I'm wondering is: how can you be so happy? Why wouldn't I be happy? Well, you're an intern who earns so little you have to take your vacation in the restroom.
That is true.
And no one give you any respect whatsoever.
Oh! You got me again.
And your family is in India.
You have to spend the Dogbert Day holiday without them, not that they're missing much.
It's the most meaningless holiday ever invented.
What time is it, my friend? It's 4:45.
That means it's almost 7:00 a.
m.
at my parents home in India.
They will be awakening soon.
In a few minutes, as they have every day since I was born they will wake up and think of me.
I will be in their thoughts all day.
Do you think of them all day, too? No, I am often caught up in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life.
Sometimes, I need a reminder.
Sometimes, I need a Dogbert Day.
We're stuck now.
Nothing to do but wait.
Ramming speed.
Well, it's not my fault.
I'm just the drummer.
It appears that Dogbert's float is attacking the smaller, crippled float.
And Dogbert has never looked finer.
His cape and crown were designed by Allefonzo.
Ooh.
I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today.
I wouldn't forget my own mother on Dogbert Day.
The Dogbert float has now crushed floats From the PTA, the joie de vie FRENCH CLUB and the Senior Citizen Republican Party.
But I think we'd all agree that Dogbert does looks better with his ears blown back by the wind like that.
You know, I hate all the stuff leading up to the holidays, but I do like the holidays themselves.
It gets a little hectic and a little commercial on the surface and underneath that it's all hollow and meaningless too, but underneath that- Yes, underneath all the layers of hollowness and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism- Underneath all that there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season.
You're right.
Lord, help me! It's so cold.
You know, this is the best Dogbert Day ever.
They say the trick is to marinate it overnight.
That's what gives it the flavor.
Did you marinate this? No.
I just slapped it with a spatula till it stopped trying to get away.
That's my own little trick.
You won't see that in any fancy cook book At least, I think you won't.
I haven't actually checked.