Divorce (2016) s02e02 Episode Script
Happy Now?
1 - (TIRES SCREECHING) - FRANCES: Oh, okay! (SIGHS) - On your left, on your left! - - I see him, I see him! - (TIRES SCREECH) - You're making me nervous.
- Calm down.
- Oh, my God.
- (TRILLS LIPS) - Sorry.
Oh, hey, Lila, I got a reminder about the family culture thing, - you know, at school on Friday.
- (PHONE DINGS) - (CHUCKLES) - What's so funny? Who is that, Ava? No.
Well, I've never been able to go to that event, and I want us to make a super impression.
So, um, what do you think we should we make? They say that you're supposed to bring something - that represents your heritage.
- (PHONE DINGS) I know very little about our family's heritage.
I think we come from a long line of very white people.
You're not going to work like that, are you? You look freaky.
Of course not.
Dad always makes Irish soda bread.
It's not a big deal, you don't even have to come.
- (PHONE KEYS CLICKING) - (PHONE DINGS) - (CHATTER) - (HAMMER POUNDING) FRANCES: Slow? (CHUCKLES) I'd kill for slow.
Oh.
(SIGHS) Hey! Hey, guys, you're taking up the whole lane.
Can we, um can we, you know, make way for ducklings? Huh.
Well, that was hostile.
Did you see that? Hey, sir, can you cut me a break? I'm trying to get my children to school! - Mom, stop! - I'm not a child.
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTS) - (TRUCK BEEPING) - CRAIG: Back car'smoving, Robert! Watch your back! (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Wow, I guess that's I guess that's your Dad's new job.
Yeah.
Are you happy now? What's that supposed to mean, Lila? What is that supposed to mean? (CHATTER) Stop arguing with me! Just okay, great.
You're good! Don't forget, I'm picking you up at 4:00, but I'll be on this side of the street.
Thanks, Tom.
Okay ooh bye, honey! Have a good day! We'll think of something good to make for Friday, okay? - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - And Good luck with your math quiz, sweetie! Mom, this one's falling out.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
Honey, thanks.
What would I do without you? Ah.
A hug? Hug, hug.
- Later! - Houdini! Little Houdini! Bye! And she was like, "Daddy, if we're not allowed to eat in the living room, then why do I find crumbs in the couch every morning?" And I'm like, "'Cause we eat dessert every fucking night out there after you're asleep!" (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah, now that I'm divorced, I can pretty much eat dessert wherever I want.
Even on the toilet, nobody cares.
(CHUCKLES) I could pretty much die in my sleep and nobody would find me for days unless it was on a Wednesday evening or alternating weekend.
Then my kids would find me.
(SIGHS) Guys, you wanna get a beer sometime after work? (SPEAKING SPANISH) - Sure dude, we'll go.
- ROBERT: Really? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Oh, cool, yeah.
You know, now that I have this much free time on my hands, maybe I should take a Spanish class.
That'd be good.
That way, we can yeah? FRANCES: Yet again, I'm the bad guy.
He's the noble one, sweeping the road.
I feel like I got sole custody of Lila's inner bitch.
It's really unpleasant.
Well, if it makes you feel better, she'd probably hate your guts just as much even without the divorce.
- That does.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) I mean, you can't take it personally.
- (GROANS) - It's not about you, but, no, I mean, it is about you, but, yeah, you're fucked.
I keep trying to pick my battles.
You know, I'm afraid I'm gonna be in a grocery store and I'm gonna be forced, you know, to wring her neck, and Child Services is gonna come and take me away.
Well, technically, they would take Lila away.
Oh, really? Well, then I'll leave that option on the table.
It's just did I ever tell you about this woman um, we affectionately call her Crazy Courtney who ripped into her daughter at drop-off? I mean, it's it's legendary.
Anyway, she cannot step foot on school property.
This poor woman has to drop her kid off, like, across the street.
- (PHONE CHIMING) - Who's Facetiming you? No idea, no, thanks.
TONY'S VOICE: I'm sitting here, jerking off, thinking about your tight, fat, wet, pink pussy Oh, my lord, who is that? - wrapped around my massive cock - Ah.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Who talks like that? Who talks like that? Who is that?! - Does she wanna join in? - Is that? - Three's company.
- Is that?! - (GASPS) - Fuck! - (CALL ENDS) - Oh, my God! I just saw his penis! Oh, my God! Okay, I don't I don't know what to say.
- I - You're - No, you're freaking out.
- You're - I can tell you're freaking out.
- with Robert's lawyer? Yeah, of course I'm freaking out.
My God, Dallas.
We're talking about Tony Silvercreek, who's sole purpose was to rip me limb from limb.
I mean you're the one that called him a Neanderthal.
You're the one that told me he would eviscerate his own mother if there was a billable hour in it.
You're right, I stand by that.
He is a vile human being.
I cannot defend it, okay? I am so sorry.
It's over.
It's over.
Can you just could you please - just forgive me? - (TRAIN HORN BLARES) Preferably in the next two minutes because my train is coming and I cannot handle it if you're mad at me.
You know I had a very withholding mother.
Really? Did you sleep with her archenemy, too? - (SIGHS) - Just go get your train.
Frances.
Frances, I'm gonna call you from the train, all right? - Please don't.
- Answer your phone! Um, Nick? Honey, did we buy a fish tank? This duck has been vacuum-sealed to ensure it will cook evenly and to perfection in the next 36 hours at 180 degrees.
It will literally melt in your mouth.
Aw, honey, look at you.
You're in love with your bunny boiler.
I am.
I am in love with it.
I should've retired 10 years ago.
I realized I'm not a stressed-out guy.
I'm not the problem, banking was the problem.
Here, taste this.
This is truffle oil and Gruyère and chives.
Mmm! - Delicious! - Right? I gotta run, Frances needs me at the gallery.
Here, one more bite.
One more bite! Big bite! Come on, here we go.
There, that'll get you through the day! Right? Okay! - Come back with an appetite! - (MUFFLED) I will! Hmm.
Ah, perfect timing, Mrs.
DuFresne.
- Oh, thanks, Charlie.
- You got it.
Hi, um, I'm just starting the process - of changing my name.
- M'kay, congratulations.
Thank you.
Fill out this form and this one and this one.
Okay, do I use my old name or my new name? Your old name up here, your married name down here.
Ah, okay, okay, but wait, my my old name is my married name.
I'm going back to my maiden name.
I just got divorced.
Oh, bummer.
- Not really.
- No, it's just a lot more paperwork.
Then you'll have to apply for a new social security card.
And then when that comes, you have to change your driver's license, your passport, your credit card, your checkbook, voter registration, email address, social media, whatever your online presence is, if you have one.
Take this pamphlet.
Boy, sure is hard getting your old self back, huh? Yeah, might not be worth the trouble.
DIANE: Hey, I am with you, I share your outrage.
But, you know, even if you take you out of the equation, Dallas and Tony Silvercreek? She usually goes for more feminine guys.
Honestly, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes which I deeply regret - (CHUCKLES) - I wouldn't believe it either.
Oh, I'm starving.
You wanna take a lunch break after I finish this letter? Sure, but I'm not eating anything.
What, are you on another cleanse? No, it's actually the exact opposite.
Basically, since last Tuesday when Nick retired, he's now become a gourmet chef.
He's force-feeding me seven-course meals every night.
Well, that is deeply offensive.
How dare he.
Hey, would you wanna come over for dinner tomorrow night? Could you? - Please? - Yeah, I'm onto you.
You're just trying to get me to finish all your fatty meals for you, aren't you? (CHUCKLES) And I still need some window treatments and a coffee table, but other than that, it's a decent place.
Forget about the coffee table, do you have a bed? - Yeah.
- That's all you need.
You're single.
You're a free man.
Oh, so that would be implying that I'm getting laid a lot.
No, that's not happening.
No.
Well, there was this this one mom from my daughter's school.
- She was pretty sweet.
- All right, that's a start.
I mean, you gotta get a base hit before you go on a hot streak, huh? Yeah, here comes your next at bat.
Highlander sampler platter.
Ah, thank you.
Hey, you know, my friend just got a divorce.
We're not allowed to date the customers.
Eh, she's not that hot.
- She shouldn't be wearing that cross.
- No.
That's disrespectful.
Hmm.
- Morning, Leonard.
- Hi.
(TRAIN HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE) Are you kidding me? Well, maybe I should just change my name legally to Frances DuFuck.
Who does that in this little hamlet? Well, I think it's great that you're changing your name back.
I would paid my ex a tidy sum to do that.
I hate that she's still running around out there as Mrs.
Clavowen.
- Yeah, I'm Mrs.
Clavowen! - Yes, you are.
Thanks for the Irish soda bread recipe.
I can't bake at all, so I'm not gonna hold you responsible.
- But thank you.
- Hello! Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
- Andrew! - Hey, nice to see you! - Oh, I'm so happy you're here! - ANDREW: I bought thatfor you.
I can't vouch for it, but the guy in the store was extremely passionate, - so, I hope it's drinkable.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) This is my friend Frances.
Frances, I would like you to meet Andrew.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi Andrew, how are ya? - Good to see you.
NICK: Good to see you.
Glad you're here.
- What is happening? - Well, Frances, Andrew and I actually met at a benefit for juvenile diabetes last year.
- It was a blast.
- Nick couldn't go, and I was seated at the world's most boring table.
Literally no one had a pulse, the average age was, like, deceased, and then there was Andrew, who saved my life.
Are you kidding? You saved mine.
This woman knows how to sneak out of a party.
- Oh, I'm a pro.
- I know.
Oh! Oh, he's welding.
- Smells amazing, whatever it is.
- It's incredible.
- Et voila! - ANDREW: Oh, yeah, that's Oh, my God.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
- Ah, it smells so good.
- What's the matter? You don't eat duck? Uh, no, not really.
I mean I love duck, but I I'm not supposed to eat it.
- My cholesterol's sky-high.
- Oh, well, that's too bad.
- But I can eat all the other sides - Diane.
which look amazing.
I-I'm very sorry, honey.
You know what, it's fuck my cholesterol.
I will have a few bites.
That's what Crestor is for, right? Yeah, definitely.
And, Nick, I love duck, so I can eat both - I'll eat both breasts.
- That's not the point.
The point is that Diane was supposed to ask our dinner guests if anyone had any dietary issues.
- It's fine, really.
It's so fine.
- It's not fine! I enjoy cooking.
I want my guests to eat and enjoy what I cook.
I could've just as easily made my black cod! I could've made Arctic char, I was just at the fish place.
I could've made branzino, I could've made Dover sole, I could've made a fucking trout! - Fluke! - Thank you.
- Sure.
- Skate! - Let's get out of here, hot in there.
- Crappie! Oh, you had to go and have high cholesterol.
Seriously.
But for the record, I've never had a cavity.
- Bragger.
- (CHUCKLES) So, uh, what's your story? Diane didn't really say.
- What's my story? - Yeah.
Hmm, uh, let's see.
Well, I got married when I was young I mean, not crazy-young, I was 28.
- Um - (ARGUING CONTINUES) and we were kind of opposites.
I mean, I don't know.
I thought at the time it was a good thing, you know, like we would complement one another.
- Mm-hmm.
- But it turns out, um, no, not complementary.
- So, you're divorced.
- Yes.
- Thanks, yes.
- God, I remember that time so well.
I hated having to go through the saga of it every time I ran into somebody.
I ended up sending a mass email to everyone I know.
- It's so tacky, right? - Efficient.
Maybe.
Truth is the beginning is rough, there's no way around it.
But here's what you're in for everyone you know is gonna be setting you up with totally random individuals.
- Apparently.
- (CHUCKLES) Uh, did you know about this tonight? Full disclosure, you are not the first person that Diane has set me up with.
Got it.
So, now that you're single, are you are you, you know? - What's that? - You know, swiping? Oh, swiping.
The dating, swiping.
No, no, no, no, I haven't taken the plunge yet, no.
It's sort of like Disneyland, like, I'm putting it off as long as possible.
Well don't start because you're clearly a mess, I can tell.
- Really, I'm a mess? - Yeah.
Yeah, a walking disaster, I'd say.
Wow, if I wanted to suffer this kind of abuse, I could've stayed home with my teenage daughter.
DIANE: What about your cholesterol? This is my one red meat night of the month.
I would like to enjoy it.
Is that asking too much? I know the night's all about you, Diane.
- It was all about you and your - Ever wonder why they're still married and we're divorced? NICK: fucking duck! (CHATTER) (GRUNTS) Are you questioning my devotion to the Mets? I don't know, should I be? You seem very touchy about it.
I'm starting to think that's only reason why you texted me.
(SIGHS) Actually, Tony, I texted you for a real reason.
- I'll bet you did.
- Uh-huh, oh.
- Wait for it.
- No, you're not oh, boy.
- Wait for it.
- Um, okay.
Can I could we can I get the check, please? - JANICE: Your new apartment is nice! - ROBERT: Thanks.
So, what do you wanna do, Robert? Oh (SIGHS) - In life, I would like to pursue - To me.
You are so shy, it is fucking hot.
You know, I was surprised to hear from you.
It's been so long, I just assumed that you and Frances were giving it another shot.
No, no, that's over.
She's getting smaller in the rear view by the day.
Mm, okay, then.
So, you must have some fantasies, hmm? Well, I've seen some stuff online that wasn't completely uninteresting.
Yeah, like what? You want me to pee on you? Get you all wet, hmm? No, thank you, but Well, how about foot sex? I got really fat toes.
Yeah, you do.
How would that work? Oh, I could put my big toe in your ass.
Or any toe, whatever.
That is a generous offer, Janice - Mm-hmm.
- but I'm gonna pass.
Okay.
But let me ask you about something else.
I've never been involved in a threesome.
Oh, really? Okay.
Well, we can fix that.
You know, I have some gals in the area and they love to party.
- (SIGHS) - It's that easy? - Mm-hmm.
- You just, "Hey, you wanna drop by and bone a dude together?" You know, I'm gonna start with Cindy.
- She's the best.
- (PHONE DINGS) Oh, shit, she's in court.
That's right.
Man, I've been living in a fucking birdcage.
I'm getting on that 7:58 train, just so you know.
Yeah, yeah, quick and dirty, just the way you like it.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Come on! - (THUDS) - Holy fucking shit! - Ow! - Holy shit! Oh, my God! - Ow, ow, ow! - Fuck! - I'm fine, thanks.
- Fuck! No, look at me.
Ah! No, you're far from fine.
- You need to go to a hospital.
- No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll figure it out.
No, I'll figure it out! You know what, you go on, you have a nice evening.
There's no way that you're gonna get a cab with your face all fucked-up like that.
- Oh, God! - Ah, just stop.
(WHISTLES) Taxi! (CHATTER) Oh, Germany! Yeah, Guten Tag.
Looks yummy.
- GIRL: Hi, Mrs.
DuFresne! - FRANCES: Hi.
Oh, family trees.
Oh, Henry W.
, Henry T.
(GASPS) Lila! "My family tree.
" Grandma DuFresne, Dad, Tom, Lila LILA: Yeah, I think so.
Lila! (WHISPERS) Come here! I'll just talk to you later.
GIRL: It's cool.
I'll see you later.
Why am I not on your family tree? Oh.
I didn't have a picture of you.
You didn't have a picture of me? Okay, is that how we're gonna play this? What? I don't.
Really? 'Cause just just off the top of my head, I can think of three right now.
There is the one of the four of us on the dock in Cape Cod.
There's the one of me and Grandpa on the fridge.
And there's the one of me holding you when you were a tiny baby, on your bureau.
It's always about you.
Been there! You gotta pick your battles.
Yeah, I just did.
This is the battle I picked.
- Gwendolyn, may I? - Yeah.
Okay, thanks.
I'll give it right back.
- So you go into settings - Mm-hmm.
then you hit general, you hit display, then you hit text size.
And you can make it as big or as small as you want.
Oh, my God, you're saving my life.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh! Okay, this is it.
This is the one, I can feel it.
Ah, nope.
I am really striking out.
Um, you wouldn't do a dude, would you? - No.
- Just checking.
(PHONE CHIMES) Ugh, another "no can do" from Olivia's mom.
Uh, oh! They must all be at that stupid school event.
I forgot about that.
- What school event? - Family Culture Night.
Thank God my kid's on the chorus trip; I am off the hook.
- Holy shit, Family Culture Night.
- Mm-hmm.
That's the best.
Have you ever had the Garcia's flautas or the Reifschneiders' schnitzel? - That's fucking good eating.
- Then why aren't you there? Uh, it's Frances's night.
Oh, see, my ex and I agreed that school events are neutral territory.
Really? Well, he seems like a decent, not-at-all-controlling dude.
Well, when it's about your kid, fair is fair, right? Yeah.
And then there was another time, right, when I took a fastball right across the kisser.
Chris Arons was pitching.
I think the little fucker was doing, like, I don't know, 85, 90 mph.
See right here, these two teeth? - These babies are fake.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - What? - Ah.
- What? - I underestimated you.
You saying you're surprised I'm not a total fucking dick? Well, yeah.
The truth is (SNIFFS) the truth is the reason I wanted to get together tonight was to, you know, just end this, you know, whatever this is.
- What? - Come on, let's be honest, we were never gonna be a thing.
Whoa, whoa, hold on a second, wait, wait, wait a second, are you are you telling me that you're breaking up with me? Do you have any idea how much snatch I get? Whenever I want it.
And you know what, sometimes when I don't.
Do you think I wanna be here right now with you? I could be at the fucking Rainbow Boom-Boom Room getting bottle service off of some Latvian.
Victoria's Secret mid-level sky hostess, but instead, I chose to be here.
I chose to be a gentleman and to escort your aging ass to the fucking E.
R.
! - Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
- Sir? - (KNOCKING ON GLASS) Could you just pull over to the next corner, please? You have some major fucking anger issues.
I think you might wanna look into that.
She's breaking up with me? I got the fucking door, all right? - Go! - Ungrateful, fucking bitch.
- See ya never! - You're lucky I even showed up tonight.
- I had Knicks tickets.
- Boring! You suck in bed.
I would avoid 57th Street, if you can.
Oh, this one's a little stuck.
Hey, I hear we have to talk.
Oh, hey, Courtney, how are you? Ugh, fine now, so much better, but that first year after the divorce kicked my ass from here to Timbuktu.
Gosh, really? Well, I I didn't I had no idea.
You know what, no one knows this, but things got so bad with fuckface last year, I freaked out on Ashley, and now the school won't even let me drop her off on school property anymore.
That's - Yeah, seriously! - yeah.
I got an exception for tonight as long as we keep a 50-yard distance.
I'm like, "Thank you very much! No problem there.
" Well, I'm glad that, you know that you got a furlough.
We should have drinks sometime.
I can save you a lot of drama, a lot of wasted energy.
Plus, we'd have fun.
Yeah, that's thank you.
Fortunately, Robert and I parted on very civil terms - Mm.
- which I'm grateful for.
Motherfucker! Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here? School is a neutral zone, and Lila my daughter.
Oh, no, that I know because you're on the family tree.
We have a schedule.
I'm aware of the schedule.
Doesn't mean that we have to punish her.
We're not punishing her, we're establishing a system.
You know, it's for her, and we have to stick to it or she's not gonna feel secure.
- She's always gonna wonder - Oh hey, Mr.
DuFresne! - BOTH: Hey, Mr.
Glaper.
- Would you and your wife - like to join us for the presentation? - BOTH: We're divorced.
- Okay.
- That's it.
You know what, forget it, I'll leave.
It doesn't matter.
- She doesn't want me here, anyway.
- No, nope.
You don't get to be the martyr.
I'll leave.
I'll be the one leaving.
By the way, why would you even consider making my Irish soda bread recipe without consulting me? - You wanted me to consult you on the - Yeah.
These are not even real "curronts.
" 'Cause we only had "raisons.
" Mm-hmm.
I'll have you know something.
I left a threesome to come to this.
- What? - Yeah.
There could be anywhere between zero and two women waiting for me at my apartment.
Maybe even a dude.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey! See you later.
Why is Daddy leaving? Come here, honey.
Daddy knew it wasn't his night, he just wanted to come just for a second, poke his head in, and see your family tree.
You'll be with him all day on Saturday, okay? So let's go back in, let's have fun, get some pirogi, or the, you know the Russian stuff.
No! I didn't even want you here, but you wanted to come.
- You're so selfish.
- Okay, I get that you don't like me very much right now.
You've made that very clear.
I, too, was a teenager once.
I hated my mother.
I'm sorry, I'm it.
We're stuck with each other.
You're not sorry.
You do whatever you want and you're always embarrassing me.
You're either in your pajamas or wearing too much makeup.
Why can't you just be normal? Can you just can you lower your voice? And were you ever going to tell us that you're changing your name? I saw those forms on your desk.
You don't even wanna be in this family.
That's not true Lila, that's just not You're so full of shit! - Watch your language.
- Fuck you! Don't you dare speak to me like that.
Fuck you.
Fuck you! (ALL GASP) - Oh, God.
- (ALL MURMURING) - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) I'm sorry.
(SNIFFS) - (KIDS LAUGHING) - GIRL: Okay! Have a good day.
I packed the dried figs you like.
- Hey.
- Morning.
Bye! Bye! - Yeah, you really gotta be loud.
- You gotta project, yeah.
- Calm down.
- Oh, my God.
- (TRILLS LIPS) - Sorry.
Oh, hey, Lila, I got a reminder about the family culture thing, - you know, at school on Friday.
- (PHONE DINGS) - (CHUCKLES) - What's so funny? Who is that, Ava? No.
Well, I've never been able to go to that event, and I want us to make a super impression.
So, um, what do you think we should we make? They say that you're supposed to bring something - that represents your heritage.
- (PHONE DINGS) I know very little about our family's heritage.
I think we come from a long line of very white people.
You're not going to work like that, are you? You look freaky.
Of course not.
Dad always makes Irish soda bread.
It's not a big deal, you don't even have to come.
- (PHONE KEYS CLICKING) - (PHONE DINGS) - (CHATTER) - (HAMMER POUNDING) FRANCES: Slow? (CHUCKLES) I'd kill for slow.
Oh.
(SIGHS) Hey! Hey, guys, you're taking up the whole lane.
Can we, um can we, you know, make way for ducklings? Huh.
Well, that was hostile.
Did you see that? Hey, sir, can you cut me a break? I'm trying to get my children to school! - Mom, stop! - I'm not a child.
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTS) - (TRUCK BEEPING) - CRAIG: Back car'smoving, Robert! Watch your back! (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Wow, I guess that's I guess that's your Dad's new job.
Yeah.
Are you happy now? What's that supposed to mean, Lila? What is that supposed to mean? (CHATTER) Stop arguing with me! Just okay, great.
You're good! Don't forget, I'm picking you up at 4:00, but I'll be on this side of the street.
Thanks, Tom.
Okay ooh bye, honey! Have a good day! We'll think of something good to make for Friday, okay? - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - And Good luck with your math quiz, sweetie! Mom, this one's falling out.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
Honey, thanks.
What would I do without you? Ah.
A hug? Hug, hug.
- Later! - Houdini! Little Houdini! Bye! And she was like, "Daddy, if we're not allowed to eat in the living room, then why do I find crumbs in the couch every morning?" And I'm like, "'Cause we eat dessert every fucking night out there after you're asleep!" (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah, now that I'm divorced, I can pretty much eat dessert wherever I want.
Even on the toilet, nobody cares.
(CHUCKLES) I could pretty much die in my sleep and nobody would find me for days unless it was on a Wednesday evening or alternating weekend.
Then my kids would find me.
(SIGHS) Guys, you wanna get a beer sometime after work? (SPEAKING SPANISH) - Sure dude, we'll go.
- ROBERT: Really? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Oh, cool, yeah.
You know, now that I have this much free time on my hands, maybe I should take a Spanish class.
That'd be good.
That way, we can yeah? FRANCES: Yet again, I'm the bad guy.
He's the noble one, sweeping the road.
I feel like I got sole custody of Lila's inner bitch.
It's really unpleasant.
Well, if it makes you feel better, she'd probably hate your guts just as much even without the divorce.
- That does.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) I mean, you can't take it personally.
- (GROANS) - It's not about you, but, no, I mean, it is about you, but, yeah, you're fucked.
I keep trying to pick my battles.
You know, I'm afraid I'm gonna be in a grocery store and I'm gonna be forced, you know, to wring her neck, and Child Services is gonna come and take me away.
Well, technically, they would take Lila away.
Oh, really? Well, then I'll leave that option on the table.
It's just did I ever tell you about this woman um, we affectionately call her Crazy Courtney who ripped into her daughter at drop-off? I mean, it's it's legendary.
Anyway, she cannot step foot on school property.
This poor woman has to drop her kid off, like, across the street.
- (PHONE CHIMING) - Who's Facetiming you? No idea, no, thanks.
TONY'S VOICE: I'm sitting here, jerking off, thinking about your tight, fat, wet, pink pussy Oh, my lord, who is that? - wrapped around my massive cock - Ah.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Who talks like that? Who talks like that? Who is that?! - Does she wanna join in? - Is that? - Three's company.
- Is that?! - (GASPS) - Fuck! - (CALL ENDS) - Oh, my God! I just saw his penis! Oh, my God! Okay, I don't I don't know what to say.
- I - You're - No, you're freaking out.
- You're - I can tell you're freaking out.
- with Robert's lawyer? Yeah, of course I'm freaking out.
My God, Dallas.
We're talking about Tony Silvercreek, who's sole purpose was to rip me limb from limb.
I mean you're the one that called him a Neanderthal.
You're the one that told me he would eviscerate his own mother if there was a billable hour in it.
You're right, I stand by that.
He is a vile human being.
I cannot defend it, okay? I am so sorry.
It's over.
It's over.
Can you just could you please - just forgive me? - (TRAIN HORN BLARES) Preferably in the next two minutes because my train is coming and I cannot handle it if you're mad at me.
You know I had a very withholding mother.
Really? Did you sleep with her archenemy, too? - (SIGHS) - Just go get your train.
Frances.
Frances, I'm gonna call you from the train, all right? - Please don't.
- Answer your phone! Um, Nick? Honey, did we buy a fish tank? This duck has been vacuum-sealed to ensure it will cook evenly and to perfection in the next 36 hours at 180 degrees.
It will literally melt in your mouth.
Aw, honey, look at you.
You're in love with your bunny boiler.
I am.
I am in love with it.
I should've retired 10 years ago.
I realized I'm not a stressed-out guy.
I'm not the problem, banking was the problem.
Here, taste this.
This is truffle oil and Gruyère and chives.
Mmm! - Delicious! - Right? I gotta run, Frances needs me at the gallery.
Here, one more bite.
One more bite! Big bite! Come on, here we go.
There, that'll get you through the day! Right? Okay! - Come back with an appetite! - (MUFFLED) I will! Hmm.
Ah, perfect timing, Mrs.
DuFresne.
- Oh, thanks, Charlie.
- You got it.
Hi, um, I'm just starting the process - of changing my name.
- M'kay, congratulations.
Thank you.
Fill out this form and this one and this one.
Okay, do I use my old name or my new name? Your old name up here, your married name down here.
Ah, okay, okay, but wait, my my old name is my married name.
I'm going back to my maiden name.
I just got divorced.
Oh, bummer.
- Not really.
- No, it's just a lot more paperwork.
Then you'll have to apply for a new social security card.
And then when that comes, you have to change your driver's license, your passport, your credit card, your checkbook, voter registration, email address, social media, whatever your online presence is, if you have one.
Take this pamphlet.
Boy, sure is hard getting your old self back, huh? Yeah, might not be worth the trouble.
DIANE: Hey, I am with you, I share your outrage.
But, you know, even if you take you out of the equation, Dallas and Tony Silvercreek? She usually goes for more feminine guys.
Honestly, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes which I deeply regret - (CHUCKLES) - I wouldn't believe it either.
Oh, I'm starving.
You wanna take a lunch break after I finish this letter? Sure, but I'm not eating anything.
What, are you on another cleanse? No, it's actually the exact opposite.
Basically, since last Tuesday when Nick retired, he's now become a gourmet chef.
He's force-feeding me seven-course meals every night.
Well, that is deeply offensive.
How dare he.
Hey, would you wanna come over for dinner tomorrow night? Could you? - Please? - Yeah, I'm onto you.
You're just trying to get me to finish all your fatty meals for you, aren't you? (CHUCKLES) And I still need some window treatments and a coffee table, but other than that, it's a decent place.
Forget about the coffee table, do you have a bed? - Yeah.
- That's all you need.
You're single.
You're a free man.
Oh, so that would be implying that I'm getting laid a lot.
No, that's not happening.
No.
Well, there was this this one mom from my daughter's school.
- She was pretty sweet.
- All right, that's a start.
I mean, you gotta get a base hit before you go on a hot streak, huh? Yeah, here comes your next at bat.
Highlander sampler platter.
Ah, thank you.
Hey, you know, my friend just got a divorce.
We're not allowed to date the customers.
Eh, she's not that hot.
- She shouldn't be wearing that cross.
- No.
That's disrespectful.
Hmm.
- Morning, Leonard.
- Hi.
(TRAIN HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE) Are you kidding me? Well, maybe I should just change my name legally to Frances DuFuck.
Who does that in this little hamlet? Well, I think it's great that you're changing your name back.
I would paid my ex a tidy sum to do that.
I hate that she's still running around out there as Mrs.
Clavowen.
- Yeah, I'm Mrs.
Clavowen! - Yes, you are.
Thanks for the Irish soda bread recipe.
I can't bake at all, so I'm not gonna hold you responsible.
- But thank you.
- Hello! Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
- Andrew! - Hey, nice to see you! - Oh, I'm so happy you're here! - ANDREW: I bought thatfor you.
I can't vouch for it, but the guy in the store was extremely passionate, - so, I hope it's drinkable.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) This is my friend Frances.
Frances, I would like you to meet Andrew.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi Andrew, how are ya? - Good to see you.
NICK: Good to see you.
Glad you're here.
- What is happening? - Well, Frances, Andrew and I actually met at a benefit for juvenile diabetes last year.
- It was a blast.
- Nick couldn't go, and I was seated at the world's most boring table.
Literally no one had a pulse, the average age was, like, deceased, and then there was Andrew, who saved my life.
Are you kidding? You saved mine.
This woman knows how to sneak out of a party.
- Oh, I'm a pro.
- I know.
Oh! Oh, he's welding.
- Smells amazing, whatever it is.
- It's incredible.
- Et voila! - ANDREW: Oh, yeah, that's Oh, my God.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
- Ah, it smells so good.
- What's the matter? You don't eat duck? Uh, no, not really.
I mean I love duck, but I I'm not supposed to eat it.
- My cholesterol's sky-high.
- Oh, well, that's too bad.
- But I can eat all the other sides - Diane.
which look amazing.
I-I'm very sorry, honey.
You know what, it's fuck my cholesterol.
I will have a few bites.
That's what Crestor is for, right? Yeah, definitely.
And, Nick, I love duck, so I can eat both - I'll eat both breasts.
- That's not the point.
The point is that Diane was supposed to ask our dinner guests if anyone had any dietary issues.
- It's fine, really.
It's so fine.
- It's not fine! I enjoy cooking.
I want my guests to eat and enjoy what I cook.
I could've just as easily made my black cod! I could've made Arctic char, I was just at the fish place.
I could've made branzino, I could've made Dover sole, I could've made a fucking trout! - Fluke! - Thank you.
- Sure.
- Skate! - Let's get out of here, hot in there.
- Crappie! Oh, you had to go and have high cholesterol.
Seriously.
But for the record, I've never had a cavity.
- Bragger.
- (CHUCKLES) So, uh, what's your story? Diane didn't really say.
- What's my story? - Yeah.
Hmm, uh, let's see.
Well, I got married when I was young I mean, not crazy-young, I was 28.
- Um - (ARGUING CONTINUES) and we were kind of opposites.
I mean, I don't know.
I thought at the time it was a good thing, you know, like we would complement one another.
- Mm-hmm.
- But it turns out, um, no, not complementary.
- So, you're divorced.
- Yes.
- Thanks, yes.
- God, I remember that time so well.
I hated having to go through the saga of it every time I ran into somebody.
I ended up sending a mass email to everyone I know.
- It's so tacky, right? - Efficient.
Maybe.
Truth is the beginning is rough, there's no way around it.
But here's what you're in for everyone you know is gonna be setting you up with totally random individuals.
- Apparently.
- (CHUCKLES) Uh, did you know about this tonight? Full disclosure, you are not the first person that Diane has set me up with.
Got it.
So, now that you're single, are you are you, you know? - What's that? - You know, swiping? Oh, swiping.
The dating, swiping.
No, no, no, no, I haven't taken the plunge yet, no.
It's sort of like Disneyland, like, I'm putting it off as long as possible.
Well don't start because you're clearly a mess, I can tell.
- Really, I'm a mess? - Yeah.
Yeah, a walking disaster, I'd say.
Wow, if I wanted to suffer this kind of abuse, I could've stayed home with my teenage daughter.
DIANE: What about your cholesterol? This is my one red meat night of the month.
I would like to enjoy it.
Is that asking too much? I know the night's all about you, Diane.
- It was all about you and your - Ever wonder why they're still married and we're divorced? NICK: fucking duck! (CHATTER) (GRUNTS) Are you questioning my devotion to the Mets? I don't know, should I be? You seem very touchy about it.
I'm starting to think that's only reason why you texted me.
(SIGHS) Actually, Tony, I texted you for a real reason.
- I'll bet you did.
- Uh-huh, oh.
- Wait for it.
- No, you're not oh, boy.
- Wait for it.
- Um, okay.
Can I could we can I get the check, please? - JANICE: Your new apartment is nice! - ROBERT: Thanks.
So, what do you wanna do, Robert? Oh (SIGHS) - In life, I would like to pursue - To me.
You are so shy, it is fucking hot.
You know, I was surprised to hear from you.
It's been so long, I just assumed that you and Frances were giving it another shot.
No, no, that's over.
She's getting smaller in the rear view by the day.
Mm, okay, then.
So, you must have some fantasies, hmm? Well, I've seen some stuff online that wasn't completely uninteresting.
Yeah, like what? You want me to pee on you? Get you all wet, hmm? No, thank you, but Well, how about foot sex? I got really fat toes.
Yeah, you do.
How would that work? Oh, I could put my big toe in your ass.
Or any toe, whatever.
That is a generous offer, Janice - Mm-hmm.
- but I'm gonna pass.
Okay.
But let me ask you about something else.
I've never been involved in a threesome.
Oh, really? Okay.
Well, we can fix that.
You know, I have some gals in the area and they love to party.
- (SIGHS) - It's that easy? - Mm-hmm.
- You just, "Hey, you wanna drop by and bone a dude together?" You know, I'm gonna start with Cindy.
- She's the best.
- (PHONE DINGS) Oh, shit, she's in court.
That's right.
Man, I've been living in a fucking birdcage.
I'm getting on that 7:58 train, just so you know.
Yeah, yeah, quick and dirty, just the way you like it.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Come on! - (THUDS) - Holy fucking shit! - Ow! - Holy shit! Oh, my God! - Ow, ow, ow! - Fuck! - I'm fine, thanks.
- Fuck! No, look at me.
Ah! No, you're far from fine.
- You need to go to a hospital.
- No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll figure it out.
No, I'll figure it out! You know what, you go on, you have a nice evening.
There's no way that you're gonna get a cab with your face all fucked-up like that.
- Oh, God! - Ah, just stop.
(WHISTLES) Taxi! (CHATTER) Oh, Germany! Yeah, Guten Tag.
Looks yummy.
- GIRL: Hi, Mrs.
DuFresne! - FRANCES: Hi.
Oh, family trees.
Oh, Henry W.
, Henry T.
(GASPS) Lila! "My family tree.
" Grandma DuFresne, Dad, Tom, Lila LILA: Yeah, I think so.
Lila! (WHISPERS) Come here! I'll just talk to you later.
GIRL: It's cool.
I'll see you later.
Why am I not on your family tree? Oh.
I didn't have a picture of you.
You didn't have a picture of me? Okay, is that how we're gonna play this? What? I don't.
Really? 'Cause just just off the top of my head, I can think of three right now.
There is the one of the four of us on the dock in Cape Cod.
There's the one of me and Grandpa on the fridge.
And there's the one of me holding you when you were a tiny baby, on your bureau.
It's always about you.
Been there! You gotta pick your battles.
Yeah, I just did.
This is the battle I picked.
- Gwendolyn, may I? - Yeah.
Okay, thanks.
I'll give it right back.
- So you go into settings - Mm-hmm.
then you hit general, you hit display, then you hit text size.
And you can make it as big or as small as you want.
Oh, my God, you're saving my life.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh! Okay, this is it.
This is the one, I can feel it.
Ah, nope.
I am really striking out.
Um, you wouldn't do a dude, would you? - No.
- Just checking.
(PHONE CHIMES) Ugh, another "no can do" from Olivia's mom.
Uh, oh! They must all be at that stupid school event.
I forgot about that.
- What school event? - Family Culture Night.
Thank God my kid's on the chorus trip; I am off the hook.
- Holy shit, Family Culture Night.
- Mm-hmm.
That's the best.
Have you ever had the Garcia's flautas or the Reifschneiders' schnitzel? - That's fucking good eating.
- Then why aren't you there? Uh, it's Frances's night.
Oh, see, my ex and I agreed that school events are neutral territory.
Really? Well, he seems like a decent, not-at-all-controlling dude.
Well, when it's about your kid, fair is fair, right? Yeah.
And then there was another time, right, when I took a fastball right across the kisser.
Chris Arons was pitching.
I think the little fucker was doing, like, I don't know, 85, 90 mph.
See right here, these two teeth? - These babies are fake.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - What? - Ah.
- What? - I underestimated you.
You saying you're surprised I'm not a total fucking dick? Well, yeah.
The truth is (SNIFFS) the truth is the reason I wanted to get together tonight was to, you know, just end this, you know, whatever this is.
- What? - Come on, let's be honest, we were never gonna be a thing.
Whoa, whoa, hold on a second, wait, wait, wait a second, are you are you telling me that you're breaking up with me? Do you have any idea how much snatch I get? Whenever I want it.
And you know what, sometimes when I don't.
Do you think I wanna be here right now with you? I could be at the fucking Rainbow Boom-Boom Room getting bottle service off of some Latvian.
Victoria's Secret mid-level sky hostess, but instead, I chose to be here.
I chose to be a gentleman and to escort your aging ass to the fucking E.
R.
! - Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
- Sir? - (KNOCKING ON GLASS) Could you just pull over to the next corner, please? You have some major fucking anger issues.
I think you might wanna look into that.
She's breaking up with me? I got the fucking door, all right? - Go! - Ungrateful, fucking bitch.
- See ya never! - You're lucky I even showed up tonight.
- I had Knicks tickets.
- Boring! You suck in bed.
I would avoid 57th Street, if you can.
Oh, this one's a little stuck.
Hey, I hear we have to talk.
Oh, hey, Courtney, how are you? Ugh, fine now, so much better, but that first year after the divorce kicked my ass from here to Timbuktu.
Gosh, really? Well, I I didn't I had no idea.
You know what, no one knows this, but things got so bad with fuckface last year, I freaked out on Ashley, and now the school won't even let me drop her off on school property anymore.
That's - Yeah, seriously! - yeah.
I got an exception for tonight as long as we keep a 50-yard distance.
I'm like, "Thank you very much! No problem there.
" Well, I'm glad that, you know that you got a furlough.
We should have drinks sometime.
I can save you a lot of drama, a lot of wasted energy.
Plus, we'd have fun.
Yeah, that's thank you.
Fortunately, Robert and I parted on very civil terms - Mm.
- which I'm grateful for.
Motherfucker! Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here? School is a neutral zone, and Lila my daughter.
Oh, no, that I know because you're on the family tree.
We have a schedule.
I'm aware of the schedule.
Doesn't mean that we have to punish her.
We're not punishing her, we're establishing a system.
You know, it's for her, and we have to stick to it or she's not gonna feel secure.
- She's always gonna wonder - Oh hey, Mr.
DuFresne! - BOTH: Hey, Mr.
Glaper.
- Would you and your wife - like to join us for the presentation? - BOTH: We're divorced.
- Okay.
- That's it.
You know what, forget it, I'll leave.
It doesn't matter.
- She doesn't want me here, anyway.
- No, nope.
You don't get to be the martyr.
I'll leave.
I'll be the one leaving.
By the way, why would you even consider making my Irish soda bread recipe without consulting me? - You wanted me to consult you on the - Yeah.
These are not even real "curronts.
" 'Cause we only had "raisons.
" Mm-hmm.
I'll have you know something.
I left a threesome to come to this.
- What? - Yeah.
There could be anywhere between zero and two women waiting for me at my apartment.
Maybe even a dude.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey! See you later.
Why is Daddy leaving? Come here, honey.
Daddy knew it wasn't his night, he just wanted to come just for a second, poke his head in, and see your family tree.
You'll be with him all day on Saturday, okay? So let's go back in, let's have fun, get some pirogi, or the, you know the Russian stuff.
No! I didn't even want you here, but you wanted to come.
- You're so selfish.
- Okay, I get that you don't like me very much right now.
You've made that very clear.
I, too, was a teenager once.
I hated my mother.
I'm sorry, I'm it.
We're stuck with each other.
You're not sorry.
You do whatever you want and you're always embarrassing me.
You're either in your pajamas or wearing too much makeup.
Why can't you just be normal? Can you just can you lower your voice? And were you ever going to tell us that you're changing your name? I saw those forms on your desk.
You don't even wanna be in this family.
That's not true Lila, that's just not You're so full of shit! - Watch your language.
- Fuck you! Don't you dare speak to me like that.
Fuck you.
Fuck you! (ALL GASP) - Oh, God.
- (ALL MURMURING) - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) I'm sorry.
(SNIFFS) - (KIDS LAUGHING) - GIRL: Okay! Have a good day.
I packed the dried figs you like.
- Hey.
- Morning.
Bye! Bye! - Yeah, you really gotta be loud.
- You gotta project, yeah.