Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e02 Episode Script

The Ice Queen Cometh

Alright! Howser we've gotta talk.
Sorry, I'm on the way to the hospital.
No, no.
This is important.
You're my best friend I need to talk to you.
- Is everything okay? - This is privilege, doctor-patient.
Vinnie, what's wrong? I think I have a dependency problem.
- What? - I'm really out of control, Doog.
Vinnie, don't worry.
I'll get you into the Eastman rehab program, everything is gonna be fine.
What is it? Drugs? Alcohol? Both? Sex! Sex? - I'm addicted to sex.
- Vinnie, how is that possible? - You're a virgin.
- That's the problem.
Every sleeping and waking moment of my life has been thinking about doing it.
When I'm gonna do it.
Who I'm gonna do with.
How long I have to wait before I can do it again.
It's like a monkey on my back! Vinnie, that's normal, you're supposed to be obsessed with sex.
- Get out of here! - It's true, you're 16, you're a male.
- Plus, I'm Italian! - Yeah.
Hey, I'm going through the same thing myself one sexual fantasy after another.
Isn't that great? I never said it didn't have an upside.
So, what's going on with us? Testosterone, it's a very aggressive hormone and right now we're up to our eyeballs in it.
Here, look at this chart.
The human male reaches his sexual peak, the high of sexual energies and desires between the ages of 17 and 18.
Excellent, I'm this close to my peak! Whereas the human female reaches her sexual peak between the ages of 35 and 45.
Whoa, whoa, back up a second.
I peak now and Suzie Berlooty doesn't get raved up for another 12 years? Yep, something like that.
The laws of nature are conspiring against me.
So what I'm supposed to do until 2009? Relax, it'll happen.
We're stunts.
The rest of the world just doesn't know it yet.
You've got a date with Wanda tonight? I have to work, you're going out with Suzie? I don't know, it's only SIX-YEAR OLD SCORES PERFECT ON S.
A.
T.
'S WHIZ KID BREEZED THRU HIGH SCHOOL IN 9 WEEKS PRINCETON GRADUATES KID DOCTOR CAN'T BUY BEER CAN PRESCRIBE DRUGS KID DOCTOR DELIVERS BABY IN SHOPPING MALL Did you see the humongous gallstone break up that took out today? Oh, sorry.
Oh, excuse me, can I interrupt your lunch? Absolutely.
I'd like you all to meet our new head of radiology, Dr.
Victoria Burke.
Victoria, this is nurse Curly Spaulding.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And to our residents, Jack McGuire and Douglas Howser.
- Hi.
- Welcome to Eastman.
Thank you.
Doctor Howser, I've really been looking forward to meeting you.
Really? I've heard a lot of wonderful things about you from your father.
Thanks, but I wouldn't belive everything he says, he's very biased, he paid for my education.
I've read your paper on the use of computerized axial tomography in trauma patients.
I'd like to get and discuss it some time.
Okay, sure, I'd like to hear what you have to say about it.
Maybe we could all dicuss it.
Over lunch.
Thank you, but I generally lunch alone in my office.
Gives me time to catch up with my paperwork.
Well, if you excuse us - Nice meeting everyone.
- Nice meeting you.
No chance.
Know who you just met? Who? The legendary ice queen.
- Ice queen? - That's what they call her over county.
Nobody I know has got so much as a dinner date with that woman.
She's all business.
How can a woman so beautiful be so cold? Maybe she's just one of those very attractive women who feel that in order to be taken seriously, as a doctor she has to suppress her sexuality.
Or maybe, she just thinks you're a winny.
Victoria Burke is the new head of radiology? Yep.
Really? Would be nice to see her again I've got a patient at Eastman, needs some X-rays.
Now, Canfield was really lucky to get her, she's top notch.
Not to mention, easy on the eyes.
Yes, she's gorgeous.
But it's not just the way she looks, there's something so I don't know, feminine about her.
What a perfectly astute observation.
Don't you think so, Katherine? I don't know if she's that beautiful.
Trust me, Katherine, she is.
She's had a nosejob.
What? I said she had a nosejob.
No, no, I don't think so.
Trust me, David, she did.
I can spot one a mile away.
I wonder what else she had done.
- Kath - You know, a nip here, a tuck there.
I know for a fact she's my age.
No! Really? Well, I'm not surprised, are you, Doogie? Me? No, hell no.
I've got some calls to make, excuse me.
I mean, she's had everything done.
Find out who did it.
Listen up, listen up! We've got a red blanket here.
Police officer, gunshot.
Chest wound, belly wound.
Bleeding.
Alert the surgical team.
And call the blood bank, tell 'em I need and death, we need this right away.
Right away, doctor.
Ready? One, two, three.
Draw blood type, cross it at labs.
Get an ET tube going and I'm gonna get a chest drain, he's got a pneumotorax.
I need you.
Put pressure here, he's sucking air through his chest.
Pulse is thready, blood presure is 60 over 40.
Damn - He's just throwing a PVC.
- We're losing him.
Get a suflate can, hang some plasmanate, put a CVP line in.
Leave her the bag.
Get the crash car.
I need the paddles.
- Get the other IV started.
- Okay.
Roger.
Come on, bud.
Come on.
Blood's here, doctor.
Good, get it going.
What's going on? What's the situation? Putting the CVP line in, chest sounds ripple.
Blood pressure is cutting out, the pulse is getting stronger.
Yes! Here on top, on brave, bud.
Put a dressing on that.
Get the O.
R.
ready, we've got a live one going and we want to stay that way.
Let's get him up there.
- Uh! I'm pumped! - That was close! Are you kidding? That guy was pratically boxed and we brought him back.
God, I'm starving.
Radiologists don't usually see that kind of action, and tell you the truth, I was a little scared.
Oh, it didn't show.
You were real cool.
I don't feel so cool now.
There's still a lot of adrenaline pumping.
I know what you mean.
You won't be able to sleep for hours.
I'm gonna go home, make something to eat, lift some weights, probably jump out of my skin until four in the morning.
Isn't being a doctor great? I like you, Doctor Howser.
Thanks.
Maybe we could have a dinner together some time.
Sure, we can meet in the cafeteria, say I was thinking about something a little more private, away from the hospital.
Oh well, good, very good.
- Tomorrow night? - Tomorrow night.
Let me see I think I'm free tomorrow night.
Then it's a date.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Well, good night, Doctor Howser.
Night.
So they've got a lot of nice fish here.
Yeah, it's very nice.
Doogie relax.
Okay.
You smell great.
Thanks, it's a sweet thing to say.
Sir, can I take your drink order? - I'll have a Manhattan on the Rocks.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
But, tonight, I'll have an orange soda.
- Twist.
- Very good, sir.
You must be curious why I asked you out to dinner tonight.
Me? No.
Well maybe a little.
Okay, why? Doogie, I find you very, very appealing.
- Is this a joke? - No! You have every quality I admire in a man.
Brilliant mind, dedication to your work sincerity.
Good looks.
Thank you.
There's a lot I like about you too.
Actually, everything.
There's something I wanna ask you Something I'm finding this very difficult.
No, you're doing good.
You're doing good.
A few months ago, my doorbell rang.
I opened the door and out in the hallway was a man from a diaper delivery service.
He had a stack of diapers that must've been four feet high.
I told him he was at the wrong door, they weren't from me and then I started to cry.
I'm approaching 40.
And my biological clock is ticking.
I'm not married, but I do want to raise a child.
Do you have any idea of what I'm saying? You want to adopt me? I was wondering if you'd consider fathering my child.
Sir, are you ready to order? What, now? Could you get us a few more moments? Certainly.
I know this is an unusual request.
Especially on a first date.
I want you to understand, I'm not asking for a relationship, I'll be totally responsible for this child, both emotionally and financially.
All I need from you is well you know.
Wow! This is Wow! You see, since I'm approaching motherhood cientifically I might as well choose the man with the best genes available.
I-I don't know what to say.
I know this is a big decision Please, take all the time you need.
If you wanna talk about it some more, just let me know.
Now, why don't we just leave it alone? And enjoy the rest of the night? Okay, good.
That's good.
Wow! So, what's the question? This is the greatest thing to happen to a 16 old guy in the history of hormones.
You won libido lottery, Howser.
She's a mature woman.
Chance is she's been with other guys, - she's gonna compare! - So? If she bursts out laughing, you put your clothes on and go home.
I wish she would never had asked me.
Will you stop? You're getting hysterical.
The woman wants you.
Don't fight it.
Well, technically, she doesn't want me, she wants my genes.
Who cares? Point is, she's letting you delivery them personally! I don't know.
This is gonna take some very serious thought.
Forget your mind for once.
Listen to your body.
What's your body saying to you? It's saying wampa, wampa.
Yes! The testosterone lives.
Here's the phone.
Call here now, she might change your mind.
There's something you're not telling me? Is this woman a blood beast? No, she's beautiful.
I can't believe a woman that beautiful would've anything to do with me.
I'll dial for you.
What if it's not right? Not right? It's perfect! We're talking about an older woman in here.
She's peaking, you're peaking! What could be more beautiful? Yeah, it does seem like destiny, doesn't it? And the thing is it probably won't work the first time.
You might have to do it like 10 or 15 times.
- Hey.
- Morning, Doogs.
Hi.
You worked last night? No, I just didn't get much sleep.
- Problem? - Yeah.
But it's not my problem, it's a friend's problem.
We were up all night, batting around.
Can I ask you guys a question? Sure.
See, this guy's, this friend of mine he's got himself into a kind of sexual dilema.
See, there's this woman, she's twice his age actually she's 2.
3 times his age.
And she wants she wants to sleep with him.
What? So you friend's problem is this woman who wants to sleep with him? No, if it was just that, he could stumble through it himself.
The main problem is she wants to have his baby.
What!? Yeah, she thinks he's kind of an ideal man, you know? So what's your friend thinking he should do? Well, he thinks she deserves to have a baby if she wants to, and she's intelligent, and he's very intelligent, so given all that genetics Who knows, this kid could grow up to cure cancer or something.
So, in other words, your friend would be doing this for the good of mankind.
You could say it's a filantropic kind of thing.
It could be just because he wants to have sex? You could go that way too.
I don't know, a child is a big responsibility.
But the woman said she'd take all the responsibility.
Well, but it'd still be his baby.
I mean, how's your friend gonna feel knowing there's a child out there he has nothing to do with? Does your friend have a girlfriend? - Yeah.
- Did they have sex? No! I mean I don't know for sure but he's very polite, so probably not.
What he's gonna tell her about all this? He thought maybe he could just, skip over that part of his life.
You mean, lie to her.
Well, he didn't put it that way.
Boy! Doogie I don't know if I could make a decision like that now, nevermind at 16.
Wish your friend luck for me.
Yeah, I will.
Thanks.
I've gotta rounce.
Thanks, I'll be in the radiology view room.
Doctor Burke, I need to talk with you for a minute.
Well, I'm busy, can it wait? It's about Doogie Howser.
After you.
I've find out about your proposal to Doogie.
I feel a little awkward bringing it up.
Maybe, you should.
It's really not your business.
I think it is my business, Doogie is my friend.
And while intellectually, he's a giant, emotionally, he's a 16 old boy.
There's no way he can come out in an affair with you - Affair? - without getting hurt.
I have not intention of having an affair with him.
Call it what you want, I may be only a resident, but I do know how babies are conceived.
Then, doctor, you must also know about artificial insemination.
Then you didn't ask Doogie to you know No! I specifically said to him I was interested in his genes.
I thought he understood I was talking about ar tificial insemination.
Well, you thought wrong Doogie is thinking more along lines of good old fashioned natural insemination.
I didn't intentionally mean to be vague.
Do you think he's going to be very hurt? He's 16! He thinks the most beautiful woman in the world wants to make love with him.
What do you think? Doctor Burke? I got your message.
I'm glad you could come by.
You look pretty on this light.
That's why I became radiologist.
Doogie we need to talk.
Yeah, we do, we really do.
Hey, it's looks like there's a small bowel obstruction, there's some air in the biliary tree.
Doogie About last night Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk with you about.
See I don't want you to think I don't think you're beautiful, because I do, I mean, you are.
T-The whole idea that someone as beautiful as you actually wants me, is gonna me me feel fantastic for I don't know how long, maybe the rest of my life.
But I can't do it, I just cant.
See, I wanna have children some day.
And I want to share it with my wife.
And if we do this, I'm afraid we just it might spoil that.
I understand perfectly.
I hope that you have a child some day, and I hope you fall in love.
That shouldn't be too hard, all you have to is, pick one of the people that fall in love with you.
You are an extraordinary man.
And such a sweet boy.
Maybe we should get back to work.
Yeah I'm gonna remember this for a long time.
You can tell your grandchildren about it.
No, I think I'll save this for myself.
Vinnie, you've been doing that for 15 minutes.
You had it in the palm of your hand, and "poof!".
Now it's gone.
You're a total wuss.
It just didn't feel right.
I'd even have to lie to Wanda.
I'll get another chance.
Don't you read the paper? There could be a nuclear war tomorrow, we could all be dead.
And you didn't get to do it, and I didn't get to hear about it.
Well, Vinnie, I guess the thing to do is work for world peace.
Hey this isn't funny, Howser.
You blew it.
You shattered my dream.
Don't ever show your face around here again.
Vinnie, this is my room.
Okay, alright.
So, I'm leaving.
You know, I've had it with you we no longer have anything in common.
I never want to speak with you again.
You're out of my life.
I'll talk with you tomorrow, okay? Okay.
What a wuss! OCTOBER 7, OCTOBER 7, 1989 TODAY TODAY I TODAY I MADE TODAY I MADE MY TODAY I MADE MY FIRST TODAY I MADE MY FIRST REALLY TODAY I MADE MY FIRST REALLY ADULT TODAY I MADE MY FIRST REALLY ADULT DECISION.
I DECIDED I DECIDED TO I DECIDED TO STAY I DECIDED TO STAY A I DECIDED TO STAY A KID I DECIDED TO STAY A KID A LITTLE I DECIDED TO STAY A KID A LITTLE WHILE I DECIDED TO STAY A KID A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.
Transcription: ReX