Eagleheart (2010) s03e10 Episode Script
Honch
Let's show them a back-to-back stack'n'jack.
- Aah! - It's okay, buddy! Why don't you just tell us what happened? Aah! I just want you to know, didn't say anything.
- Okay, whatever.
- I know everything.
(gunshot) We're gonna brain drain him.
- Marshall Chris.
- Just a second.
"Okay, Chris!" They're called Ap'p'pals.
Back-to-back stack'n'jack.
Oh! Chris, you made me an Ap'p'pal.
- Yeah.
- "Tidal wave!" (vomits) Son of a bitch.
- I saw Chris kill Brett.
- Run! You are hereby stripped of your status as a U.
S.
Marshal.
(motor whirring) (choking) Chris.
Wait a second.
I didn't write this.
Susie, it's Chris.
I got set up.
There aren't any blades in here.
So Brett wasn't killed at all.
He might still be alive.
(machine-gun fire) Aah! Run! See you soon, Chrissy.
The U.
S.
Marshal Service was started by a secret cabal the Ancients.
Five Chosen Ones.
"The Project.
" Brett was one of the Chosen Ones.
Welcome to Shineytown, folks.
(zapping) Shoe me.
Brett's dead.
Brett's not really dead.
The ancients took him to Kartuuk.
Find Mobley.
Finish this thing already.
Oh.
(scoffs) Chris, what are we even looking for? I don't know.
Fred Somebody? I don't know.
It's been too long.
I can't do this.
I'm so tired, I just want to lay down and be dead for a little while.
I am so hungry.
Well, I got this.
Is that the dinner roll you found in the wood chipper? We could split it.
No, that's been in your pocket for like 15 years.
- Hey Oh! - Mmm.
Oh.
(stomach rumbles) Oh.
Oh, boy.
Aaaaaaah! Okay.
That was not a keeper.
Chris Look.
(bell jingles) Listen up, lady.
We have spent years roaming this Earth, we have given up our lives looking for our friend Brett Mobley.
Now I'm only gonna ask you once - where is he? - Level three.
Okay.
(elevator bell dings) What the hell? Woop.
Hold it.
- Sugalski.
- Chris.
Susan, grab my head shaver.
I'm about to go Romper Stomper on this mother Hang on.
I might as well tell you the truth.
You're too late to stop it now.
First off, I'm sorry we took Brett, but he was needed for a higher purpose.
- The "Project"? - That's right the Project.
Thousands of years ago, it was prophesized that there would be five "Chosen Ones.
" The Ancients started the Marshal Service in order to find these Chosen Ones, and we've been collecting these Chosen Ones ever since.
We had four Chosen Ones.
Brett was the fifth.
Chosen one.
But What is the Project? Oh, you're just in time to see it.
The Project.
(elevator bell dings) Oh, my God.
Chris, look.
- Hey, buddies! - Brett! Hey, check out my new rock friend.
He is giving me the coolest back massage.
Ooh, ooh! Aah! No! No, stop! - What's happening? - Soul suck! (chosen ones screaming) - Oh, my God.
- It's beautiful.
(up-tempo music plays) Huh? Okay, who got pink goop all over my yoga mat? Yoga mat? My bad.
I thought you said it was a yo-gurt mat.
(studio audience laughs) Um, I'm pretty sure that's not a thing.
Note to self invent yogurt mat after you strike it rich with the pizza pillow.
What does that even mean? It gives your dreams extra sausage, instead of extra naked Bryant Gumbels.
Um, you went there.
Why are you doing this? Distraction, Chris.
We have to keep the masses appeased, or else, chaos.
And you guys wrote this? Well, there is a script, but we just use it as a jumping-off point.
We'll shoot a few takes as written and then kind of mess around a little bit.
Guys, Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and you promised you'd help with my match.
com profile! And someone needs to light a match dot com in the bathroom dot stink.
(studio audience groans) Where's that sound coming from? This sucks! (crowd booing) (up-tempo music plays) So, that's it? Uuh, we've decided to pull it for retooling.
This sucks! You took Brett away from us for that? You killed him for nothing.
That sucked! Let's trash this planet! (all shouting) Great.
Your little garbage sky show pissed everybody off so much they want to destroy the world.
What are we gonna do here? Think.
What do we got? Uh (explosion) Oh! Do you still have those dumbass apples? - Why? - Use them! What? No! You told me they were stupid! No, no, no, they're great! Do your dumb show! - Really? - Yeah! Okay, I believe in you.
Okay.
All right.
Go do it.
Marshmallows! Marshmallows! Marshmallows! Purpose, then believing "Hey, everyone's real mad "and they want to destroy the world.
" "Oh, what should we do?" "Use your dumb apples!" "Really?" "I believe in you, you stupid dunce!" "Oh! Thank you!" This sucks! Booooooo! "Oh, that makes me sad!" Yeah, but it's so bad, it's good! "Hey, how are you doing?" "Hey, you're a dummy!" It's so bad, it's good! (cheers and applause) Susie! Susie! You did it! You saved the planet with your stupid, dumb, weird, rotten things.
They love it! - They like it ironically.
- So who cares? They're all idiots.
I'm proud of you.
But I'm afraid this is farewell.
What? No! Yeah, I have to go avenge our fallen friend Brett.
- Well, let me go with you.
- No.
Y-you belong here, doing your show for the world to live-snark.
I'm gonna go make some blood.
Au revoir.
Oh.
Okay.
Goodbye, Chris.
"Hey, Susie, bye-bye.
" just taking the same elements that we have.
Hey, Chris.
Me and the other Ancients are gonna do a little note sesh on the skylet if you want to stick around or You're an ancient? Yeah.
You never wondered why I always wear my hat so low? (chuckles) You're gonna die bad.
As bad as your friend Quint? You killed Quint? And Grint.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Who? - Long story.
But it ends with me killing Quint.
And Grint.
Say hello to my size-12 Buster Brains.
Ohh! Go ahead.
Do it, Chris.
But you'll never get past the others.
You'll never get to the head hon Ohh! cho, Chris.
(bones crack) (dramatic music plays) (elevator bell dings) (gun cocks) (gun cocks) Aah! Oh, damn it! I'm blind! Oh, God.
Uh (gun cocks) Ah! Okay.
Uh Come on, come on.
Und nun, wir spielen.
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Aah! (breathing heavily) Okay, Honch, I found you.
No more searching, no more questions.
It's just kill time now.
How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise, Chris? Do wha? (chuckles) Oh, buddy we've been through this so many times before.
I have been here before How long You don't remember, do you? You never remember.
- Remember what? - This, you and me This dance we do.
We've been doing it for thousands of years, Chrissy.
We'll do it for thousands more.
I mess around with you until I get bored.
I leave.
You come and find me.
We have this talk.
And then we do it all.
.
over again.
- Are you, um, the d? - Yeah.
- Why did you pick me? - Well, it's fun being the devil, but you still got to live in Hell.
I'm stuck here, too.
You're good to play with.
- You make me laugh.
- Ugh.
Oh, no.
Ugh.
Okay.
Well, how does this end? Shh.
Ahhhhhhh.
Marshals, Ancient Rome, the Future, Nazi Germany, the Wild West, and Grab Bag.
I'll be that cab driver you can't stand.
I'll be that annoying robot that won't scram and let you just enjoy a good old space beer.
I'll be that idiot son you wish you never had.
Wherever you are I'll be there.
Okay.
All right.
I'm ready.
There's just one thing.
Hmm? You're going for a little ride.
And I hope you packed your lags.
Ohh.
You lagged me.
- Mm.
- When? It's been a little pet project of mine, Brett little stab here, little slice here, little cut there.
(laughs) Sweetheart, I have been scoring you for years.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Hmm.
(breathes deeply) Okay.
(choking) (motor whirring) (breathing heavily) (instruments tuning) Ladies and gentleman, let me lay on you a so-so U.
S.
Marshal, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.
In his final appearance on the great stage of life, Mr.
Chris Monsanto! (rock music plays) (organ playing) Bye-bye, life (flute playing) Bye bye, happiness (flute playing) Hello, loneliness (flute playing) I think I'm gonna die (laughs) I think I'm gonna die (tempo increases) Bye-bye, love Bye-bye, sweet caress Hello, emptiness I feel like I could die Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye (music continues) Unh Unh Unh Unh Bye-bye, life Bye-bye, happiness Hello, loneliness I think I'm gonna die I think he's gonna die I think he's gonna die Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Hyah! - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Thank you.
Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Don't deny it! Hallelujah! (cheers and applause) Oh! Give it to me! Oh! Give it to me! Bye, bye, bye, bye Bye-bye, happiness Hello, hello I think he's gonna die I think he's gonna die (both) La la la la la la, la la la Bye-bye, your life, goodbye (both) La la la la la la, la la la I think he's gonna die (both) la la la la la la Bye-bye (fingers click) My life Oh, yeah! Goodb-y-y-y-y-ye (beeping) (finale plays) (cheers and applause) (beeping continues) (upbeat music plays) Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Hyah! - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Thank you.
Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Don't deny it.
Hallelu (motor whirring) (pounding on door) (door opens) (upbeat music plays) Mm Kerplump! Baby Christmas is sooner So much sooner Sooner than you think Yeah, baby It will be here in a blink Well, Christmas is sooner than you think Mm Decorate your house with the lights There's Christmas cards to write Knock yourself a Christmas tree And the mistletoe for you and me Unh!
- Aah! - It's okay, buddy! Why don't you just tell us what happened? Aah! I just want you to know, didn't say anything.
- Okay, whatever.
- I know everything.
(gunshot) We're gonna brain drain him.
- Marshall Chris.
- Just a second.
"Okay, Chris!" They're called Ap'p'pals.
Back-to-back stack'n'jack.
Oh! Chris, you made me an Ap'p'pal.
- Yeah.
- "Tidal wave!" (vomits) Son of a bitch.
- I saw Chris kill Brett.
- Run! You are hereby stripped of your status as a U.
S.
Marshal.
(motor whirring) (choking) Chris.
Wait a second.
I didn't write this.
Susie, it's Chris.
I got set up.
There aren't any blades in here.
So Brett wasn't killed at all.
He might still be alive.
(machine-gun fire) Aah! Run! See you soon, Chrissy.
The U.
S.
Marshal Service was started by a secret cabal the Ancients.
Five Chosen Ones.
"The Project.
" Brett was one of the Chosen Ones.
Welcome to Shineytown, folks.
(zapping) Shoe me.
Brett's dead.
Brett's not really dead.
The ancients took him to Kartuuk.
Find Mobley.
Finish this thing already.
Oh.
(scoffs) Chris, what are we even looking for? I don't know.
Fred Somebody? I don't know.
It's been too long.
I can't do this.
I'm so tired, I just want to lay down and be dead for a little while.
I am so hungry.
Well, I got this.
Is that the dinner roll you found in the wood chipper? We could split it.
No, that's been in your pocket for like 15 years.
- Hey Oh! - Mmm.
Oh.
(stomach rumbles) Oh.
Oh, boy.
Aaaaaaah! Okay.
That was not a keeper.
Chris Look.
(bell jingles) Listen up, lady.
We have spent years roaming this Earth, we have given up our lives looking for our friend Brett Mobley.
Now I'm only gonna ask you once - where is he? - Level three.
Okay.
(elevator bell dings) What the hell? Woop.
Hold it.
- Sugalski.
- Chris.
Susan, grab my head shaver.
I'm about to go Romper Stomper on this mother Hang on.
I might as well tell you the truth.
You're too late to stop it now.
First off, I'm sorry we took Brett, but he was needed for a higher purpose.
- The "Project"? - That's right the Project.
Thousands of years ago, it was prophesized that there would be five "Chosen Ones.
" The Ancients started the Marshal Service in order to find these Chosen Ones, and we've been collecting these Chosen Ones ever since.
We had four Chosen Ones.
Brett was the fifth.
Chosen one.
But What is the Project? Oh, you're just in time to see it.
The Project.
(elevator bell dings) Oh, my God.
Chris, look.
- Hey, buddies! - Brett! Hey, check out my new rock friend.
He is giving me the coolest back massage.
Ooh, ooh! Aah! No! No, stop! - What's happening? - Soul suck! (chosen ones screaming) - Oh, my God.
- It's beautiful.
(up-tempo music plays) Huh? Okay, who got pink goop all over my yoga mat? Yoga mat? My bad.
I thought you said it was a yo-gurt mat.
(studio audience laughs) Um, I'm pretty sure that's not a thing.
Note to self invent yogurt mat after you strike it rich with the pizza pillow.
What does that even mean? It gives your dreams extra sausage, instead of extra naked Bryant Gumbels.
Um, you went there.
Why are you doing this? Distraction, Chris.
We have to keep the masses appeased, or else, chaos.
And you guys wrote this? Well, there is a script, but we just use it as a jumping-off point.
We'll shoot a few takes as written and then kind of mess around a little bit.
Guys, Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and you promised you'd help with my match.
com profile! And someone needs to light a match dot com in the bathroom dot stink.
(studio audience groans) Where's that sound coming from? This sucks! (crowd booing) (up-tempo music plays) So, that's it? Uuh, we've decided to pull it for retooling.
This sucks! You took Brett away from us for that? You killed him for nothing.
That sucked! Let's trash this planet! (all shouting) Great.
Your little garbage sky show pissed everybody off so much they want to destroy the world.
What are we gonna do here? Think.
What do we got? Uh (explosion) Oh! Do you still have those dumbass apples? - Why? - Use them! What? No! You told me they were stupid! No, no, no, they're great! Do your dumb show! - Really? - Yeah! Okay, I believe in you.
Okay.
All right.
Go do it.
Marshmallows! Marshmallows! Marshmallows! Purpose, then believing "Hey, everyone's real mad "and they want to destroy the world.
" "Oh, what should we do?" "Use your dumb apples!" "Really?" "I believe in you, you stupid dunce!" "Oh! Thank you!" This sucks! Booooooo! "Oh, that makes me sad!" Yeah, but it's so bad, it's good! "Hey, how are you doing?" "Hey, you're a dummy!" It's so bad, it's good! (cheers and applause) Susie! Susie! You did it! You saved the planet with your stupid, dumb, weird, rotten things.
They love it! - They like it ironically.
- So who cares? They're all idiots.
I'm proud of you.
But I'm afraid this is farewell.
What? No! Yeah, I have to go avenge our fallen friend Brett.
- Well, let me go with you.
- No.
Y-you belong here, doing your show for the world to live-snark.
I'm gonna go make some blood.
Au revoir.
Oh.
Okay.
Goodbye, Chris.
"Hey, Susie, bye-bye.
" just taking the same elements that we have.
Hey, Chris.
Me and the other Ancients are gonna do a little note sesh on the skylet if you want to stick around or You're an ancient? Yeah.
You never wondered why I always wear my hat so low? (chuckles) You're gonna die bad.
As bad as your friend Quint? You killed Quint? And Grint.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Who? - Long story.
But it ends with me killing Quint.
And Grint.
Say hello to my size-12 Buster Brains.
Ohh! Go ahead.
Do it, Chris.
But you'll never get past the others.
You'll never get to the head hon Ohh! cho, Chris.
(bones crack) (dramatic music plays) (elevator bell dings) (gun cocks) (gun cocks) Aah! Oh, damn it! I'm blind! Oh, God.
Uh (gun cocks) Ah! Okay.
Uh Come on, come on.
Und nun, wir spielen.
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Aah! (breathing heavily) Okay, Honch, I found you.
No more searching, no more questions.
It's just kill time now.
How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise, Chris? Do wha? (chuckles) Oh, buddy we've been through this so many times before.
I have been here before How long You don't remember, do you? You never remember.
- Remember what? - This, you and me This dance we do.
We've been doing it for thousands of years, Chrissy.
We'll do it for thousands more.
I mess around with you until I get bored.
I leave.
You come and find me.
We have this talk.
And then we do it all.
.
over again.
- Are you, um, the d? - Yeah.
- Why did you pick me? - Well, it's fun being the devil, but you still got to live in Hell.
I'm stuck here, too.
You're good to play with.
- You make me laugh.
- Ugh.
Oh, no.
Ugh.
Okay.
Well, how does this end? Shh.
Ahhhhhhh.
Marshals, Ancient Rome, the Future, Nazi Germany, the Wild West, and Grab Bag.
I'll be that cab driver you can't stand.
I'll be that annoying robot that won't scram and let you just enjoy a good old space beer.
I'll be that idiot son you wish you never had.
Wherever you are I'll be there.
Okay.
All right.
I'm ready.
There's just one thing.
Hmm? You're going for a little ride.
And I hope you packed your lags.
Ohh.
You lagged me.
- Mm.
- When? It's been a little pet project of mine, Brett little stab here, little slice here, little cut there.
(laughs) Sweetheart, I have been scoring you for years.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Hmm.
(breathes deeply) Okay.
(choking) (motor whirring) (breathing heavily) (instruments tuning) Ladies and gentleman, let me lay on you a so-so U.
S.
Marshal, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.
In his final appearance on the great stage of life, Mr.
Chris Monsanto! (rock music plays) (organ playing) Bye-bye, life (flute playing) Bye bye, happiness (flute playing) Hello, loneliness (flute playing) I think I'm gonna die (laughs) I think I'm gonna die (tempo increases) Bye-bye, love Bye-bye, sweet caress Hello, emptiness I feel like I could die Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye (music continues) Unh Unh Unh Unh Bye-bye, life Bye-bye, happiness Hello, loneliness I think I'm gonna die I think he's gonna die I think he's gonna die Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Hyah! - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Thank you.
Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Don't deny it! Hallelujah! (cheers and applause) Oh! Give it to me! Oh! Give it to me! Bye, bye, bye, bye Bye-bye, happiness Hello, hello I think he's gonna die I think he's gonna die (both) La la la la la la, la la la Bye-bye, your life, goodbye (both) La la la la la la, la la la I think he's gonna die (both) la la la la la la Bye-bye (fingers click) My life Oh, yeah! Goodb-y-y-y-y-ye (beeping) (finale plays) (cheers and applause) (beeping continues) (upbeat music plays) Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Hyah! - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Thank you.
Bye-bye, your life, goodbye Don't deny it.
Hallelu (motor whirring) (pounding on door) (door opens) (upbeat music plays) Mm Kerplump! Baby Christmas is sooner So much sooner Sooner than you think Yeah, baby It will be here in a blink Well, Christmas is sooner than you think Mm Decorate your house with the lights There's Christmas cards to write Knock yourself a Christmas tree And the mistletoe for you and me Unh!