Everything Sucks! (2018) s01e08 Episode Script
I Just Wanna Be Anybody
1 [MUTTERS.]
["LEAVE THEM ALL BEHIND" BY RIDE PLAYING.]
Pass through different times Leave them all behind Leave them all behind Leave them all behind Leave them all behind Leave them all behind [LUKE.]
You know, I can't believe we're actually doing this.
- Thank you.
- Thank my dad.
He's the one who hooked us up.
- McWeird.
- What? [GRUNTS.]
Dominguez Rocks! Here we come! [CHUCKLES.]
[STARGROVE LAUGHING.]
It looks like someone saw The Craft.
Sorry I'm late.
[LUKE.]
No, it's all good.
We're waiting on one more, Stargrove.
Actually, um, we're all here.
What do you mean? Tyler, why are you wearing Oliver's trench coat? So, don't shoot the messenger, but [LUKE.]
He what?! "Dear Tyler, New York calls.
One day, like me, you'll soar.
" God, stupid son of a bitch.
[BOY.]
I still can't believe he actually did it.
Those New York City hotties are gonna be all over that kid.
Wait, so let me get this straight.
I'm driving you kids all the way to LA to shoot a scene from your movie, and your lead isn't even here? - Better just turn around now.
- [LUKE.]
No.
I am not letting some egomaniacal douchebag get in the way of everything I've been working for.
Everything we've been working for.
We'll figure this out.
Right? - Yeah.
Totally.
- Yeah, okay.
So, um, maybe on the way back to Gloptonia the ship passes through, like, an asteroid belt.
An asteroid hits the ship, killing Oliver.
Works for me.
But isn't he supposed to die at the end? Maybe he passes through a cloud of shape-shifting gas that affects males only, - and it changes his appearance.
- That could work.
So when the ship lands, Blorg is no longer played by Oliver, but instead played by Fine, I'll do it.
But I get a page one rewrite and sole credit.
No, I'll do it.
Oliver gave me his coat.
That means something.
You're already in the movie homeboy.
You can't remember your lines as it is.
- I know my lines, Dennis Rodman.
- I'll do it! McQuaid, really? Yeah, I haven't been in the film yet.
And my acting's probably garb, but maybe that will provide a new layer of humor.
I mean, I'm I'm the only logical choice.
All right, McQuaid.
Way to step it up.
But this is gonna be great.
Did anyone bring any music? There's a tape up there.
You do know you have a kissing scene with Emaline, right? Oh, I'm very aware of that.
Oh, sweet.
Ace of Base.
What? ["BEAUTIFUL LIFE" BY ACE OF BASE PLAYING.]
No.
No.
[MUSIC DISTORTING.]
[MUSIC DISTORTING THEN CONTINUES.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, my God.
You can do what you want Just seize the day What you're doing tomorrow's Gonna come your way Don't you ever consider giving up You will find Oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh I just want to be here beside you [MCQUAID.]
Victorious! Cheese Mongers of Earth shall rue the day they provoked the mighty Blorg.
Zarginda, my love, what say you of your studly betrothed? No, dude, you gotta say it like this: "Zarginda, my love" Schwing! Wait.
Tyler, can you grab us some sodas, please? The change is in my bag.
Thank you.
Luke, can we talk about the kiss? What about it? How passionate should it be on a scale of one to ten? - I think we really need to sell it.
- Wait a minute.
This is your first kiss, isn't it? Yes, your point? Uh, dude! You know it's gonna be on tape forever.
You could show it to your kids one day.
If you want to.
Great.
- [LUKE LAUGHS.]
- [TYLER SIGHS.]
Hey, Emaline I know you're probably not in the mood to talk.
I just want to say I'm sorry about Oliver.
Someone who would just leave you like that wasn't worth it to begin with.
How do you do it? Do what? It's like it's so easy for you.
I'm not sure I know what you're referring to.
You just exist.
You don't have to be anything for anybody.
Is that a good thing? Of course, it is.
For me, I've always just been Oliver's girlfriend.
Psycho chick.
Now that he's gone, it's like what am I even doing? I like the attention.
I'm not gonna lie.
But I think deep down I just I wanted his attention.
You know how he told me he was leaving? He didn't.
His dad called me and asked if I knew where he was.
I was just a prop to him.
I'm so pathetic.
No, you're the opposite of pathetic.
You're funny.
You're confident.
You're a way better actor than he ever was.
That's true.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why are you being so nice to me? I was a total bitch to you.
Yeah, why were you so mean to me? I don't know.
- Maybe I was a little bit jealous.
- Of me? Yes.
You're so cool, and you don't even try.
- It's annoying.
- I am not cool.
Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're cooler for thinking that you aren't.
It's really cute.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
I think you're the most sexy and attractive person I've ever met in my entire life.
You really think so? I think you're perfect.
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN.]
- [LESLIE.]
Disgusting! I found my retainer on the floor of the bus.
The bus! My teeth are gonna be crooked forever.
So, what's crack-a-lackin? What you're doing tomorrow's Gonna come your way Don't you ever consider giving up You will find, oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh [LUKE.]
We're here.
Unreal.
All right, guys, let's unload! Testing.
One, two, three.
- How are the levels? Fresh? - Fresh.
- What scene's this? - 21-G.
Nice penmanship, by the way.
Luke, how's this? "Why did you come here, you mortal fool.
" No.
Dude, your breath it's like - My breath is like what? - Just find some Binaca, stat.
Where am I gonna find Binaca? [LUKE.]
Roll camera.
Rolling.
Scene 21, Guatemala.
Take one.
Ready and Hey! What are you kids doing? You need a permit to film up here.
Totally random question, but, um, do you have any skin allergies? Oh, you foolish human.
You shall feel the wrath of Commander Blorg.
Cut! - How was it? - Oh, it was great.
- You sure? I could do it again.
- No.
Why toy with perfection? Great.
Wonderful.
Twenty-five, quizzical.
Take three.
Action.
Get him.
- That's a cut.
- Cut.
I'm the only one that says "cut.
" Scene 25, double-dare, take two.
- Give me Pacino, give me De Niro! - Get him.
Dude, that's Christopher Walken.
Cut! Come on, McQuaid.
Mad! Mad! Mad! [SCREAMS.]
Get him! That's the one.
Cut! We got it.
But somehow The vital connection is made ["CONNECTION" BY ELASTICA PLAYING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh, guys, this is the big kiss scene.
No pressure.
Gum? Thanks.
[EXHALES.]
[LUKE.]
All right! And action! [SPITS.]
Victorious! Cheese mongers of Earth shall rue the day they provoked the mighty Blorg.
Zarginda, my love, what say you of your studly betrothed? Bound by duty and love, I say you're more God than Gloptonite.
[INHALES.]
[LIPS SMACKING.]
[GIGGLING.]
[KATE GIGGLES.]
And cut! Give it up for McQuaid.
- That was some good kissing.
- Same to you.
That's a wrap! Wow! Let's pack it up.
[MCQUAID.]
You sure we don't need another take? I could do another take for for safety.
- We got it.
- Yeah.
Okay.
[EMALINE.]
Kate.
Come swim with us.
I, uh, I can't right now.
I'm sorry.
Maybe later.
- Hey.
- What.
[KATE.]
Come with me.
Okay.
Oh, Kate, hold up.
What are we doing? Did you know we're only 40 minutes away from Hollywood? I guess so.
Up for a little covert operation? Bad ass.
Uh, Emaline, I got you a Mountain Dew.
No, thanks.
I was wondering if you wanted to watch television with me in my room.
Go beat off into a sock.
Dude, I found a game room.
Want to play ping-pong? - Play with yourself.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, good one.
I'll play if you want.
Are you any good? Hmm.
Not really.
Forget about it.
Take a walk in the park When you feel down There's so many things there That's gonna lift you up See the nature in bloom A laughing child Such a dream, oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh I just want to be here beside you [BOTH LAUGH.]
[LUKE.]
What is this? A pit stop.
I was thinking about what you said the night we went to see Tori Amos.
Oh, I think we both said some things I'd rather forget.
I mean, about your dad.
You said you wished you knew him better.
Well, now's your chance.
That's him.
[CHUCKLES.]
- How did you - Phone book.
His roommate told me where he worked.
[SCANNER BEEPING.]
Welcome to Blockbuster.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh.
Okay.
[LEROY.]
Hey, could I help you find anything? [WOMAN.]
No, thanks.
I'm good.
Okay, well, you don't have to be shy.
If you do need help, my name is Leroy.
- [WOMAN.]
Okay.
- [LEROY.]
Just, uh, call out.
[WOMAN.]
All right, thanks.
- [LEROY.]
What do you got there? - [MAN.]
Any good? [LEROY.]
Oh, no.
If you want to see an actually good vampire flick, check this one out: From Dusk Till Dawn.
- Oh, okay.
- So good.
The ending [MIMICS EXPLOSION.]
it is gonna blow your mind, man.
[MAN.]
Nice, thanks, man.
Hey, little man.
You, uh, need some help? Are you looking for something in particular? [LUKE BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- [KATE.]
What happened? - Drive.
- Are you okay? - Just drive.
Wait.
Luke, you can talk to me, you know.
What happened? - Nothing happened.
- This is not nothing.
Fine.
What happened is, I was right.
My dad's an asshole.
Thank you for the confirmation.
- What did he say? - I just want to go to bed, Kate.
- Luke, talk to me, please.
- It's kind of amazing.
You're not my girlfriend, and yet you keep finding new ways to break my heart.
You wanna help? You can start by leaving me alone.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
[STARGROVE CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you.
- Write me some time.
Yeah.
I'll do that.
Yeah.
["IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE" BY ACE OF BASE PLAYING.]
You can do what you want Just seize the day What you're doing tomorrow's Gonna come your way Don't you ever consider giving up You will find, oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life [MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS.]
["LEAVE THEM ALL BEHIND" BY RIDE PLAYING.]
Pass through different times Leave them all behind Leave them all behind Leave them all behind Leave them all behind Leave them all behind [LUKE.]
You know, I can't believe we're actually doing this.
- Thank you.
- Thank my dad.
He's the one who hooked us up.
- McWeird.
- What? [GRUNTS.]
Dominguez Rocks! Here we come! [CHUCKLES.]
[STARGROVE LAUGHING.]
It looks like someone saw The Craft.
Sorry I'm late.
[LUKE.]
No, it's all good.
We're waiting on one more, Stargrove.
Actually, um, we're all here.
What do you mean? Tyler, why are you wearing Oliver's trench coat? So, don't shoot the messenger, but [LUKE.]
He what?! "Dear Tyler, New York calls.
One day, like me, you'll soar.
" God, stupid son of a bitch.
[BOY.]
I still can't believe he actually did it.
Those New York City hotties are gonna be all over that kid.
Wait, so let me get this straight.
I'm driving you kids all the way to LA to shoot a scene from your movie, and your lead isn't even here? - Better just turn around now.
- [LUKE.]
No.
I am not letting some egomaniacal douchebag get in the way of everything I've been working for.
Everything we've been working for.
We'll figure this out.
Right? - Yeah.
Totally.
- Yeah, okay.
So, um, maybe on the way back to Gloptonia the ship passes through, like, an asteroid belt.
An asteroid hits the ship, killing Oliver.
Works for me.
But isn't he supposed to die at the end? Maybe he passes through a cloud of shape-shifting gas that affects males only, - and it changes his appearance.
- That could work.
So when the ship lands, Blorg is no longer played by Oliver, but instead played by Fine, I'll do it.
But I get a page one rewrite and sole credit.
No, I'll do it.
Oliver gave me his coat.
That means something.
You're already in the movie homeboy.
You can't remember your lines as it is.
- I know my lines, Dennis Rodman.
- I'll do it! McQuaid, really? Yeah, I haven't been in the film yet.
And my acting's probably garb, but maybe that will provide a new layer of humor.
I mean, I'm I'm the only logical choice.
All right, McQuaid.
Way to step it up.
But this is gonna be great.
Did anyone bring any music? There's a tape up there.
You do know you have a kissing scene with Emaline, right? Oh, I'm very aware of that.
Oh, sweet.
Ace of Base.
What? ["BEAUTIFUL LIFE" BY ACE OF BASE PLAYING.]
No.
No.
[MUSIC DISTORTING.]
[MUSIC DISTORTING THEN CONTINUES.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, my God.
You can do what you want Just seize the day What you're doing tomorrow's Gonna come your way Don't you ever consider giving up You will find Oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh I just want to be here beside you [MCQUAID.]
Victorious! Cheese Mongers of Earth shall rue the day they provoked the mighty Blorg.
Zarginda, my love, what say you of your studly betrothed? No, dude, you gotta say it like this: "Zarginda, my love" Schwing! Wait.
Tyler, can you grab us some sodas, please? The change is in my bag.
Thank you.
Luke, can we talk about the kiss? What about it? How passionate should it be on a scale of one to ten? - I think we really need to sell it.
- Wait a minute.
This is your first kiss, isn't it? Yes, your point? Uh, dude! You know it's gonna be on tape forever.
You could show it to your kids one day.
If you want to.
Great.
- [LUKE LAUGHS.]
- [TYLER SIGHS.]
Hey, Emaline I know you're probably not in the mood to talk.
I just want to say I'm sorry about Oliver.
Someone who would just leave you like that wasn't worth it to begin with.
How do you do it? Do what? It's like it's so easy for you.
I'm not sure I know what you're referring to.
You just exist.
You don't have to be anything for anybody.
Is that a good thing? Of course, it is.
For me, I've always just been Oliver's girlfriend.
Psycho chick.
Now that he's gone, it's like what am I even doing? I like the attention.
I'm not gonna lie.
But I think deep down I just I wanted his attention.
You know how he told me he was leaving? He didn't.
His dad called me and asked if I knew where he was.
I was just a prop to him.
I'm so pathetic.
No, you're the opposite of pathetic.
You're funny.
You're confident.
You're a way better actor than he ever was.
That's true.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why are you being so nice to me? I was a total bitch to you.
Yeah, why were you so mean to me? I don't know.
- Maybe I was a little bit jealous.
- Of me? Yes.
You're so cool, and you don't even try.
- It's annoying.
- I am not cool.
Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're cooler for thinking that you aren't.
It's really cute.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
I think you're the most sexy and attractive person I've ever met in my entire life.
You really think so? I think you're perfect.
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN.]
- [LESLIE.]
Disgusting! I found my retainer on the floor of the bus.
The bus! My teeth are gonna be crooked forever.
So, what's crack-a-lackin? What you're doing tomorrow's Gonna come your way Don't you ever consider giving up You will find, oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh [LUKE.]
We're here.
Unreal.
All right, guys, let's unload! Testing.
One, two, three.
- How are the levels? Fresh? - Fresh.
- What scene's this? - 21-G.
Nice penmanship, by the way.
Luke, how's this? "Why did you come here, you mortal fool.
" No.
Dude, your breath it's like - My breath is like what? - Just find some Binaca, stat.
Where am I gonna find Binaca? [LUKE.]
Roll camera.
Rolling.
Scene 21, Guatemala.
Take one.
Ready and Hey! What are you kids doing? You need a permit to film up here.
Totally random question, but, um, do you have any skin allergies? Oh, you foolish human.
You shall feel the wrath of Commander Blorg.
Cut! - How was it? - Oh, it was great.
- You sure? I could do it again.
- No.
Why toy with perfection? Great.
Wonderful.
Twenty-five, quizzical.
Take three.
Action.
Get him.
- That's a cut.
- Cut.
I'm the only one that says "cut.
" Scene 25, double-dare, take two.
- Give me Pacino, give me De Niro! - Get him.
Dude, that's Christopher Walken.
Cut! Come on, McQuaid.
Mad! Mad! Mad! [SCREAMS.]
Get him! That's the one.
Cut! We got it.
But somehow The vital connection is made ["CONNECTION" BY ELASTICA PLAYING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh, guys, this is the big kiss scene.
No pressure.
Gum? Thanks.
[EXHALES.]
[LUKE.]
All right! And action! [SPITS.]
Victorious! Cheese mongers of Earth shall rue the day they provoked the mighty Blorg.
Zarginda, my love, what say you of your studly betrothed? Bound by duty and love, I say you're more God than Gloptonite.
[INHALES.]
[LIPS SMACKING.]
[GIGGLING.]
[KATE GIGGLES.]
And cut! Give it up for McQuaid.
- That was some good kissing.
- Same to you.
That's a wrap! Wow! Let's pack it up.
[MCQUAID.]
You sure we don't need another take? I could do another take for for safety.
- We got it.
- Yeah.
Okay.
[EMALINE.]
Kate.
Come swim with us.
I, uh, I can't right now.
I'm sorry.
Maybe later.
- Hey.
- What.
[KATE.]
Come with me.
Okay.
Oh, Kate, hold up.
What are we doing? Did you know we're only 40 minutes away from Hollywood? I guess so.
Up for a little covert operation? Bad ass.
Uh, Emaline, I got you a Mountain Dew.
No, thanks.
I was wondering if you wanted to watch television with me in my room.
Go beat off into a sock.
Dude, I found a game room.
Want to play ping-pong? - Play with yourself.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, good one.
I'll play if you want.
Are you any good? Hmm.
Not really.
Forget about it.
Take a walk in the park When you feel down There's so many things there That's gonna lift you up See the nature in bloom A laughing child Such a dream, oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh I just want to be here beside you [BOTH LAUGH.]
[LUKE.]
What is this? A pit stop.
I was thinking about what you said the night we went to see Tori Amos.
Oh, I think we both said some things I'd rather forget.
I mean, about your dad.
You said you wished you knew him better.
Well, now's your chance.
That's him.
[CHUCKLES.]
- How did you - Phone book.
His roommate told me where he worked.
[SCANNER BEEPING.]
Welcome to Blockbuster.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh.
Okay.
[LEROY.]
Hey, could I help you find anything? [WOMAN.]
No, thanks.
I'm good.
Okay, well, you don't have to be shy.
If you do need help, my name is Leroy.
- [WOMAN.]
Okay.
- [LEROY.]
Just, uh, call out.
[WOMAN.]
All right, thanks.
- [LEROY.]
What do you got there? - [MAN.]
Any good? [LEROY.]
Oh, no.
If you want to see an actually good vampire flick, check this one out: From Dusk Till Dawn.
- Oh, okay.
- So good.
The ending [MIMICS EXPLOSION.]
it is gonna blow your mind, man.
[MAN.]
Nice, thanks, man.
Hey, little man.
You, uh, need some help? Are you looking for something in particular? [LUKE BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- [KATE.]
What happened? - Drive.
- Are you okay? - Just drive.
Wait.
Luke, you can talk to me, you know.
What happened? - Nothing happened.
- This is not nothing.
Fine.
What happened is, I was right.
My dad's an asshole.
Thank you for the confirmation.
- What did he say? - I just want to go to bed, Kate.
- Luke, talk to me, please.
- It's kind of amazing.
You're not my girlfriend, and yet you keep finding new ways to break my heart.
You wanna help? You can start by leaving me alone.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
[STARGROVE CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you.
- Write me some time.
Yeah.
I'll do that.
Yeah.
["IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE" BY ACE OF BASE PLAYING.]
You can do what you want Just seize the day What you're doing tomorrow's Gonna come your way Don't you ever consider giving up You will find, oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life Oh-oh-oh-oh It's a beautiful life [MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS.]