F is For Family (2015) s03e10 Episode Script

Bill Murphy's Night Off

1 [MAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER] Now arriving on platform B is Train 209, "The Screamin' Steamer," making stops at West Rustvale, Asphalt Heights, Burning River, Smog Island, Gangrenesboro, Half-life Junction, Sterilton, Leper's Gulch, Hellmuth, and Pittsburgh.
You're gonna love Pittsburgh.
I was conceived on one of the bridges there.
That's how I got my name.
I got mine from a name book.
[TRAIN BRAKES SQUEALING] Come on, you freckled fucko.
Aw, you've never run away before.
That's sweet.
Don't worry, we got each other.
Please don't sucker punch me again but how are we gonna eat? We'll be scavengers.
Prowling the back alleyways of restaurants, slurping spaghetti that accidentally ends in a kiss while some fat Dago plays a squeezebox.
Before you know it, I'll be old enough to wait tables and shit out my first puppy.
All because I'll have my Billy by my side.
Right? Uh [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Sure.
But where will we sleep? Are you pussying out on me? No, but God, you sound like my mother on her death bed.
"Who'll take care of Bridget?" Bridget takes care of Bridget! We're gonna be fine! Okay.
Okay.
Just keep your cute ass in that seat and let the freedom wash over you, okay? [MAN] All aboard! - Here we go.
- [TRAIN HORN SOUNDS] [MAN] Step back from the closing doors! - Goodbye, life we used to know.
- [TRAIN WHISTLE] I can't do this! What? No! No! No! [BRIDGET] Love you! You fucking psycho! [REDBONE'S "COME AND GE YOUR LOVE" PLAYING] Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [GRUNTS] Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [BOOM] [FRANK] "And Kevin, you were doing something.
Sincerely yours, Bill.
P.
S.
Watch out for Phillip.
" - Oh, my God.
He's gone.
- Let's not think the worst yet, Sue.
All of his comedy albums are gone.
He's not coming back, Frank! The Shelley Berman albums were mine! Oh, that thieving little bastard! Oh, guess I'm not so bad now, huh? Fuck you, you're grounded forever! Frank, stop it.
You're not grounding anybody! Bill could be hurt out there.
We all have to find him.
Oh, great.
Now Bill gets all the attention.
[FRANK SIGHS] Princess, I am sorry the filthy TV clown cheated you.
Okay? When we get through this night, I will be happy to take you to Bleep Bloop Robot Club or whatever the hell it is you call it, but for now we got to find your stupid brother before some creep out there puts his head in a fucking bowling ball bag! - [GASPS] - Just exaggerating for effect, honey.
Bill's gonna be fine.
- Bill Murphy! Bill! - Bill.
- Hey, Bill! - Bill.
- Come on, knock it off! - Bill! - Bill Murphy! - Heya, Frank.
Looking for Bill? Yes, Goom.
Yes.
We are looking for Bill.
That's why I'm outside shouting his full fucking name! - [FRANK] Bill! - [SUE] Bill? - Bill Murphy! - Bill! [FRANK] Have any of you people seen my son? Oh, so suddenly we're not jackals anymore? I never would have said that if I knew I was gonna need you! Do you really mean that? Of course I do.
Listen, I know we've had our differences lately, but we've been neighbors and friends for a long time and we've been through a lot together.
Goomer, when you needed to borrow that rope, shovel, hacksaw, duct tape, and the quicklime to take care of those weeds in your backyard, who was there for you? You were, Frank.
I've been here for all of you, and now Sue and I need you.
If you could help us look for Bill, we'd be really grateful.
Anything for the Murphy's.
Right, guys? - Oh, yeah.
- Of course.
- Sure.
- You got it.
Thanks.
And thank you, Vic.
You're a good man.
Hey, Frank, I'll go up and look for Bill in my helicopter! Jesus Christ, you have a fucking helicopter now? [CHUCKLES] I knew you'd be happy for me, Frank.
That's a wonderful offer! Yes.
It is.
Thank you, Vic.
Please go look for him in your helicopter.
Okay, but I'll need help.
Does anyone want to go up with me - and look for - Take me over the rainbow, Vic! You got shotgun, Babe.
Otto, my man, your name is Mr.
Helicopter! Why don't you come on up with us? No! No! No! Yeah, come on up with us.
Me? Oh, I couldn't.
I'm deathly afraid of flying.
Yes, you stay right here with me, my German invader.
But death is an old friend by now.
I'll do it.
[VIC SPEAKING IN SPANISH] All right, Bill could be anywhere.
Did anyone here see him at all? Oh, Christ.
I saw Billy go bye-bye.
Oh, thank God! Where did he go, son? Um, you know what? Um, I was outside and um, I found a worm and I ripped him in half and I made two worms, and you know what? Um, um.
you know what? No, I don't know what.
Please tell me.
And then I found an M&M and I ate it.
But you know what? It wasn't an M&M, because it had eyes and it looked at me.
- And you know what? - Jesus Christ, spit it out! Mommy! - Frank, no! - Stop it, Frank! Sorry, but my son is missing and I'm scared! With all due respect, can somebody please tell me what in the fuck this kid is saying? [PHILLIP] I understand him.
Phillip, are you feeling better after what the TV hobo did to you? Yes, Mother.
I squished my hate into a beautiful diamond.
Anthony, tell me what you saw.
[WHISPERING] Uh-huh.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Ooh.
He saw Bill ride off on his bicycle with With her.
- Her? - Who's that? Bridget Fitzsimmons! - They've been dating.
- They've been dating? Yep, and they fight like you and Daddy.
Except Bridget acts more like Dad, and Bill is like Mom if she cried more.
Ah, that fucking family bites us in the ass again.
Everybody, get in the goddamn car! [TIRES SCREECH] Let me out! I don't want to go to Pittsburgh! [BRAKES SQUEAL] [GRUNTS] Remember when we started this out with pumpkins? [GRUNTS] Yes! I'm free! What the fuck are you looking at? We didn't put that car there.
You put it there? Get fucked, you little redheaded narc! - [BILL PANTING] - [GLASS SMASHING] I was trying to thank you! Fuck you and you're welcome! [JEFFORDS] We'll have updates on the train derailment at 11.
Stay tuned for the alderman candidates' debate on Channel Nine.
Now 60 percent in color.
You're gonna be great, Chauncey.
We're proud of you, Daddy.
I'm proud too, pal.
Get the fuck out of here, Bob.
Whatever you say, my Nubian king.
[NEWS THEME SONG PLAYING] [ANNOUNCER] This is Politics Now, with your moderator, Channel Nine's director of Public Affairs, Raymond Trentelle.
Good evening.
Tonight we meet the two candidates for the upcoming special election to replace Alderman Edward Morewill.
The alderman's son, Teddy Morewill, a third-year freshman at Rustvale University, and the preferred candidate of the Rustland County Regular Democratic Association.
And Chauncey "Rosie" Roosevelt, a local airport worker.
Good luck to you both.
Mr.
Roosevelt, your opponent comes from a long line of politicians and public servants, his father having held this very seat for 12 consecutive terms.
My first question to you is, do you know who your father is? What? [TV AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Cool it, baby, I was just trying to get the new boss to like you.
That doesn't mean dress me up like Jill St.
John! If that little bastard tried to sit on my shoulder, I'd blast him with a fire hose.
Make Bull Connor look like fucking Santa Claus.
- I'm learning so much from you, Papa.
- [BANG] What the shit? Hey! Where the hell's my son? Get off my lawn, Murphy! This isn't your lawn! It's dirt with green paint! And you rent the place, you fucking gypsy! Fuck you! Where's Bill? We think he's run off with your daughter.
That's a lie.
She's in her room.
Bridget South Tenth Street Bridge Fitzsimmons! Get out here! Yes, Father? Where's Bill, Bridget? How should I know? I haven't seen him.
- Then how come his bike is here? - That's my bike.
It's Bill's.
You painted it pink and here's where the pussy flag was.
[LAUGHING] Pussy flag.
Listen to me, Bridget, Bill's my only friend in the world.
He saved my life when some guy with my same name ran me over.
Now where is he? Fine.
[SCOFFS] We were gonna run away to Pittsburgh together, but at the last second I got off the train, left him there all alone and scared with no money and then I stole his bike.
Okay? Everybody satisfied? God! - He's going to Pittsburgh? - No! They just said on TV that the train jumped the fucking track a mile from the station.
Happy? - Oh, my God, it jumped the tracks? - He'll be okay, honey.
We'll find him.
You're a terrible father and your house smells like a bear pissed in it! At least I got all my kids, asshole! [TIRES SCREECH] Just tell me the truth, Sweet Pea.
Daddy won't be mad.
Did you kill the boy? Go shit in your fist, old man.
She scares me, Dad.
She scares me right proper.
[BABE] This is the thrill of a lifetime, Vic! I hope we never find Bill! How you holding up, Holty? Oh, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I like trains better.
Well, we'll find Frank's boy and be back on the ground in no time.
Engaging night vision.
Wow, you got that? The best money can buy.
[SNORTS] Whoo! My spidey senses are tingling now! You got controls.
What the hell are you doing? [VIC] Whoo-ee! [BABE SCREAMING] Goddamn Bridget.
She's gonna get me killed.
Where the fuck am I? [CREEPY MUSIC] Ah! [GROWLING] Okay.
Good boy, Foamy.
- [BARKS] - [SCREAMS] No, no, no! Bad doggie! [GRUNTING] - Ah! - [YELPS] [GROANS] [PANTING] You can attack my economic status all you want, but the fact of the matter is our neighborhood needs help, and I'm the only one offering answers.
- Such as? - Well, I propose we take some of the cigarette tax money that's being spent to promote smoking and use it to filter the steel slag out of our water supply.
- [ALL] You tell him, Rosie! - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] Uh, excuse me? What you want, kid? A Scotch? My name is Bill Murphy.
I'm trying to get home, but I'm lost and I don't have any money.
Oh, shit! Missing white kid? We got to get the fuck out of here! [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - He's gonna ruin it for all of us! - But Oh, damn, you done went and touched the bar! Now your fingerprints are here! Get out.
Get out! Ah! We can't leave a trace.
You know the drill.
Get the bleach.
When the fuck did I become the bleach guy? Why would I put my own car on the tracks? I had a brand new bag on the window! Holy shit.
That's Mr.
Jerkin's car.
I know who did this.
- Hey! - Oh, hey, Kevin.
Did you come down to watch the show? Have you hippies seen my son? - Hippies.
[LAUGHS] What a square.
- Right.
Dad, let me handle it.
I know these guys.
They're my friends.
Friends? Look, guys, I know we had a falling out, but We had a falling out? We thought you got arrested or something.
Well, I did.
Just 'cause Only 'cause they changed the doors at the liquor store.
Oh, shit, they're catching on.
Look, my brother was on that train.
He's a pain in the balls, but he's still my brother.
So, if you saw him, would you just tell me where he went? Does he have red hair like a scarecrow? Skin the color of flour? Slumped shoulders? Always about to cry? A look on his face makes you wanna punch him? That's my boy! [DISTANT POLICE SIREN] - [CAR HORN HONKS] - Out of the street, boy whore! [SCREAMING] God damn it! [SOBS] Oh, yes.
Shut the door! Where's your manners? No! God damn it, no! No! No! [GUY] Your generation is gonna ruin this country! If I'm guilty of anything, it's of loving our canine friends too much.
Just one in particular.
And I will not apologize for that.
Powerful.
Mr.
Roosevelt, your response? The man had relations with a damned fire truck Dalmatian.
So you're a dog hater.
I love dogs! I love pot roast too, but I'm not gonna stick my Johnson in it.
[ALL] Oh! Listen, my opponent has big money and a political machine behind him.
I know this neighborhood and I care about it.
[ROSIE] I was born here.
I'm a child of this city.
Speaking of children, let's talk about your illegitimate son.
I was 17.
It was the Puerto Rican Day parade.
Everybody was doing it.
[ROSIE] It's just what you did! Niner-niner, Sierra Hotel, foxtrot, A-beam, Plast-A-Ware Tower, delta northbound, one-point-three, breaker, breaker.
" [CHUCKLES] I don't even know what that shit means! This thing isn't even plugged in, man! [BABE] You're gonna get us all killed! I don't see Bill anywhere.
Keep looking.
Kevin's friends said he went this way.
And how the hell were those punks your friends? Whatever happened to zit-stick and shit-face from your band? They kicked me out.
They kicked you out? Why didn't you tell us? Jesus Christ, I screamed it into your face about ten fucking times! But no one ever pays attention in this family! Do you kids really think we don't Watch the road! - [HORN HONKS] - [SCREAMING] [TIRES SCREECH] [CRASHING] [FRANK] Ah, shit! Mr.
Christ, God Uh it's been a while.
My name is Bill Murphy.
I was an altar boy last Christmas Eve.
My friend who beats me up tried to steal chalices from the church vault, but I hit him with a crucifix.
Thanks for dying on a wooden cross and not something soft like a cloud.
Look, do you think you could help me out? A crazy girl really fucked me over and now I'm lost and I don't know how to get home.
Please help me.
[ANGELIC SOUND] Look, that's Bill.
[OTTO] Vic, you found him! Oh, thank God, I can get out of this thing now! Oh, what does that flashing fuel light mean? Does that mean we've got a lot of it? It means I got about five minutes to get this sucker on the ground.
Unless the light came on five minutes ago and I was too high to see it.
- [CHUCKLES] - [ALARM BEEPING] You're meshuggener! Ah! - [SCREAMS] - [CLANGS] Ah! Hey, Bill, your dad sent us! Glad we could help! [BABE] You fucking dope fiend! Does it ever fail? Mr.
Morewill is a scion of a legendary political family.
Whereas your family values consist of appearing in a pornographic film produced by two baggage handlers.
I think he's talking about us! We're gonna get nominated for a "Fuckie.
" I didn't know it was a skin flick! I just have one scene as evil Dean Cockstopper who outlaws the Bonecoming Dance! They're killing him, Bob.
Shame on them.
I interrupt this debate with live breaking actual news! Oh, thank God.
A helicopter has crash-landed in a storm culvert in the Meat Repacking District.
According to police, a young boy is trapped in the water of the culvert at the corner of 139th Street and José Jiménez Boulevard.
What does that have to do with us? You idiot, that's right in the middle of the ward you want to represent.
I knew that! I was just seeing if you did.
- [ALL GROAN] - [CURSES IN ITALIAN] Those are our constituents down there, and they don't need someone who's gonna sit on their butt.
They need a leader who cares about their problems and will fight for them! I'm gonna go help down there! I daresay this election just got interesting.
This whole thing is a waste of time.
I took my wedding and funeral suit out of storage for nothing.
[STEAM HISSING] I know this looks bad, but we're fine.
Everyone's alive and safe.
My arm hurts really bad.
Why must you challenge me on everything? We'll call Goomer, he'll pick us up and - [SMOKEY] Hey! - Don't kill me, I don't have any money! Hey, I know that giant dick.
Frank Murphy! I thought you was dead.
Smokey! Oh, my God, am I glad to see you! Hey, the whole family's here.
How's that baby coming? I ain't got no other reason for asking y'all that.
Y'all need a lift? Hop in! [SMOKEY] What a lucky break I saw you.
I was going down to sell beer and jerky to the crowd.
They trying to save some stupid redheaded kid done fell into the culvert when a helicopter crashed.
That's got to be Bill! Oh, my God! What if he's hurt? [CHUCKLES] I knew that fucking Vic couldn't fly.
This is Jim Jeffords live with "Dead Kid Watch, '74!" [TIRES SCREECH] My name is Chauncey Roosevelt and I'm here to help.
[KEYS CLATTER] It's the cream-colored Eldorado.
Park it close.
This shit never ends.
[SHOUTS ANGRILY] [LOUDSPEAKER] Hang in there, young man.
You're gonna be fine.
So get me out! We can't yet because if that exposed wire hits the water, we could all get electrocuted.
Doesn't water stop electricity like it does with fire? Uh Yeah, sure.
Why not? I don't want anybody getting hurt trying to save this one.
Thank you, Smokey.
It's nothing.
Maybe you'll help me find my son some day.
Oh, who am I kidding? I know where that pink-eyed mummy live.
I love him but you ain't supposed to make a baby you can't look at.
It ain't natural! [SIGHS] Go get your boy.
And don't ever fuck in a laundromat! Going to get you an albino! Damn bleach take the color out! I think my son is down there.
Hi, Mrs.
Vanderheim.
Oh, hello, Maureen.
Is Quincy still coming over to play tomorrow? Oh, he sure is, sweetheart.
Right after I pick him up from Model UN.
Suck jobs! Eye contact suck jobs! - [SUE] Oh, my God, there he is! - [FRANK] That's my son down there.
Bill, we're here! Daddy's gonna save you! - Go to hell! - What the fuck did you just say to me? I'm fucking mad at you! You don't care about me, Dad! You never cared about me! You didn't take me to hockey tryouts because your stupid fat boss was eating chocolate in your truck.
A Puerto Rican forced me to do that! All you ever do is yell at me and call me a pussy.
A guy exploded in front of me and you told me to shove it down.
And when I needed you today, you told me, "Not now.
" Well how about now, Dad? Jesus Christ, he's right.
Son.
I'm I'm sorry.
I have been a terrible father lately.
Your father is very sorry, Bill.
I'm mad at you too, Mom! What? You spent all your time with that stupid scissor-spoon that I cut my fingers on! It was called the Forkoontula, and it's still in the development stages, but you're right.
It's just this new baby coming really threw us for a loop and then we got all wrapped up with the new neighbors.
Well, I guess I ain't such a bad mother after all.
[SLURPING] But that's all over now.
And we're sorry.
I told myself I'd be a better father than my own dad, and that starts now.
[FRANK] You kids mean You mean a lot to me.
[FRANK] I love you people.
Just please come on home.
We'll talk about it.
Can I have my old room back to myself? Of course! Jesus, Sue, the house is a fucking mess! - Frank! - Sure.
Your own room again.
I just want to go home.
Let's save that boy.
Nobody can reach him! You've inspired me, Rosie! I can do it! I was a discus thrower in college.
Hold my cigarette! Oh, God, my heart! - [GROANS] - [FIREMEN GRUNT] Hang on, Bill! We're trying! Our aim is off! And I think Pogo just killed some firemen! Fuck this.
I'm not afraid of water anymore.
I'm coming for you, Bill! Son of a bitch! Oh, no! Help! This pool is moving! We'll pick you up later! Christ, these kids are stupid.
We've only got one life preserver left.
We got to make this count! Let me try! I can do it! Princess, not now.
I know how to do this! It's just like ring toss.
Little girl, I don't come to your house and tell you how to play with your dolls, do I? Give me that.
Bill, don't move! "Flick your wrist.
Aim high.
Don't trust the Jews.
" I got this.
[CHEERING] Lucky little bitch.
Anything is possible.
Delbert! The Tilt-A-Whirl shall be mine! They found that white boy.
Alive.
It's safe to come out now.
[ROSIE GRUNTS] I'm gonna hate myself for doing this.
[COUGHING] [BOB] God is a Negro? I am in big trouble.
I love you, honey.
I love you too, Babe.
And I'll never think of Vic in the bedroom again.
Aw.
What? Ginny, I've come to appreciate how precious every second of life is.
Oh, Otto.
So get the fuck out of my house.
[FILM PROJECTOR WHIRRING] [FRANK CHUCKLES] That was one hell of a parade.
[SUE] Mm-hmm.
You got a third-degree sunburn and almost killed a kid.
If you read my lips, you can see I'm calling that kid a cunt.
[LAUGHS] Am I allowed to say that? One day when you have a family of your own.
Thank goodness we're all together.
We got Bill back.
And the Coast Guard brought us Kevin back.
Yeah, I was pretty scared, but it wasn't too bad after I passed out.
Well, I know things got a little crazy this summer.
But now your mom and I we got our priorities straight.
Our most important job is being your parents.
And I swear to you, we'll never forget that again.
Let's watch more movies! [MAUREEN] I want to see one where Major is a puppy.
[SUE] That little dog just pooped everywhere.
[FRANK] Jesus, how long's this mail been here? [CHUCKLES] That crazy Goomer.
[BILL] Hey, how about Christmas of '69? [KEVIN CHUCKLES] Sixty-nine.
- [BILL] Why is that funny? - [KEVIN] You'll never find out.
Oh, no.
Frank, what is it? Coming on the 30th? This wh [STUTTERS] This can't be.
- Frank, you're scaring me.
- [MAUREEN] Hey, cool! There's a taxicab coming down the street.
Jesus fucking Christ! What's going on, Mom? [SUE] Uh evidently, your grandfather is gonna be staying with us.
The hell he is! [KEVIN] I guess the comet landed.
[FRANK] No! [THE JACKSON 5'S "DADDY'S HOME" PLAYING] Daddy's home Your daddy's home To stay Yeah, yeah How I've waited for this moment - To be by your side - [CHORUS] To be by your side Your best friend wrote and told me You had teardrops in your eyes Yeah Daddy's home - [MECHANICAL WHIRRING] - [GUNSHOT]