Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Love, Chalet
1 NARRATOR: Previously on "Four Weddings and a Funeral" Your father and I have been happy to help you out the last couple of years, but after that extravagant wedding, we have reached our limit.
I'm staying, Mom.
I admire your tenacity, because we're cutting you off.
Oh, God.
Your father told me that you're interested in an arranged marriage.
- Fatima.
- Kash.
[STAMMERS.]
We can shake hands.
- Great.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
AUGUSTA: Giles looks in good spirits, at least.
Is he all packed and ready for boarding school? Actually, Giles isn't going back to Cragscross on Monday.
What Giles really needs What Giles needs is to be with his mother.
ZARA: My name's Zara.
I'm a Virgo by birth, Gemini by choice, and I'm looking for love.
And that's what I wish for all of you that you find someone who makes you a better version of you than you would ever be on your own who you'd be utterly lost without.
I'm in love with you, Maya.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING IN THE DISTANCE.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MAN GROANS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Hey.
Morning, Duffy.
Oh, uh I was just grabbing my glasses.
- MAYA: Oh.
- DUFFY: Could you, actually? Thanks.
[GASPS.]
Holy shit, Maya? [CHUCKLES.]
DUFFY: I'm late.
Sorry.
So what's the play here? Do we talk about this? Yeah, no, we definitely should, right? It's just if I'm not at Peath when they boys wake up, they go full-on Lord of the Flies.
One time they flushed an entire kid down the toilet.
Maybe we can talk about this tonight over, um, dinner? - Uh, sure.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Great.
I'll see you tonight.
- Great.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Oh, nice to see you, Duffy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Are you sure you can't stay for breakfast? - I have cinnamon rolls.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Got to make a train.
- Oh, well, well I hope enjoyed your stay here at Chez Amour! [CHUCKLES.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Maya, Maya! I can't believe I am sitting on the bed where you and Duffy had sex.
[GIGGLES GOOFILY, IMITATES SQUEAKING.]
Oh, my God, stop being a loser.
No, this is amazing.
You are finally with someone nice.
It's not just someone.
It's Duffy.
- So? - I've known him since we were 18.
His mom did my bunion surgery.
AINSLEY: But he's in love with you.
He's always been in love with you.
Haven't you at least thought about it? Sure, I've always thought he was cute.
And then he'd show up to graduation in a Jedi outfit, and I'd be like, "Uh, never mind.
" Okay, is that worse than Ted? Or that jerk who cheated on you with that girl who looked exactly like his sister? Derek.
He's actually in jail.
Why, because he and his sister - Insider trading.
- Ugh, boring.
You don't even date interesting jerks.
Look, you have known Duffy forever, so you know what a good guy he is.
Isn't it worth just a little shot? - Let me ask you one question - The sex was good.
"Good".
That's it? "Good"? - Okay, fine, it was great.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh, my God, yes, yes! - [IMITATES SQUEAKING.]
- Stop it! Oh, my God, I don't know where that pillow's been.
Stop! [LIGHT INDIE ROCK MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, PHONES RINGING.]
Mate, Zara's a TV star.
CRAIG: Reality TV? Relax, this will be over soon.
Zara won't last a week without her phone.
I don't know.
She's already everyone's favorite.
Basheer thinks she'll end up with Duncan, the guy who teaches blind children because the seeing ones find him too attractive.
Sorry, mate.
I wasn't thinking.
[SIGHS.]
It's all right.
I mean, people don't really find love on this show, right? KASH: Well, the people who won Love Chalet last year are already on baby number two, so oh, my God, sorry.
Fatima's obsessed with this stuff.
She was telling me about it all last night.
Oh, that's the third time I heard you mention Fatima today.
Do I hear mosque bells? It's hard to tell with these chaperoned dates.
We're not even allowed to hold hands.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Zara and I had sex on our first date before the main course arrived.
God, I miss her.
GEMMA: Can you believe Giles and I took the Tube here? It was quite a thrill.
Someone drew a phallus on an advertisement.
Mummy, I have eight kills! All headshots! Oh, that's wonderful, darling.
He never told me things like that before.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
So are you two doing okay? All things considered.
Giles is relieved not to be going back to Cragscross.
- Mm.
- He starts Peath in two weeks.
Peath? That's perfect.
Duffy can keep an eye on him.
Yes, I agree.
It's not ideal.
But I'm more concerned about my role.
How am I gonna help Giles with his homework? And what do I pack him for lunch? Steak? Raisins? I'm overwhelmed.
Oh, girl, my mom used to pack me cottage cheese and a picture of Miss America for inspiration.
You're gonna be fine.
Oh, I just want Giles to be okay.
He still insists on sleeping in my bed every night.
He's very fragile right now.
Mummy, I've killed them all! I've won! [VOCALIZING GOOFILY.]
- Yeah! - Sweet, isn't it? GILES: Yeah! [VOCALIZING.]
Yeah! [MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Duffy - Hey, last night was Whew.
Yeah, um no, please.
- You go, you go.
- No, please, after you.
Look, I obviously like you, and I obviously have always liked you and not just because you look like you.
I think you're really smart, and I think you fight for things that matter.
Do you remember when you convinced us to occupy Wall Street and I almost died of trench foot? Yeah, I remember that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't have any regrets about last night except that I wish I would've told you how I felt sooner.
I guess I was just afraid that you wouldn't feel the same way.
And seeing you now, I realize that you don't, and I really wish I would've let you speak first.
Oh, my God.
Duffy, you're one of my best friends Hey, no, I get it.
It was a one-time thing.
We shall never speak of it again.
Could we get the check, please? Duffy, will you let me finish? You're one of my best friends Yeah.
Which is why I feel like this could be really good.
I-I want to give it a try.
- Wait, are you serious? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just to be clear, you're talking boyfriend and girlfriend, right? [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Okay, yeah.
No, I would I would really love that as well.
TV HOST: It's week two of Love Chalet, and things are really heating up.
[FUNKY POP MUSIC.]
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING ON TV.]
MAYA: Come on! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
- Yes, thank you.
DUNCAN: Here, let me feed you some fondue.
Mmm.
That's delicious.
I can't eat too much cheese.
It inflames my colon.
DUNCAN: I love learning more about you.
Did you know I'm an aspiring bartender? - No.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's so cool.
- I know, right? Duncan, you smell amazing.
DUNCAN: Thanks, I'm using a new scent.
- ZARA: Really? - DUNCAN: Yeah.
PAUL: I knew you'd been using my cologne! I write my name on the bottle for a reason, dimwit.
What, you can't read or something? DUNCAN: Hey, you know I can read.
I just told you I started Percy Jackson.
PAUL: You and Percy both got a lot in common, 'cause you're both thieves.
Hey, dude, spoiler alert! Don't you get it? I just wanted to smell like you.
I love the way that you smell.
- PAUL: You do? - DUNCAN: Yeah.
I love everything about you.
[INTIMATE MUSIC.]
- [BOTH GASP.]
- MAYA: Oh, nice.
DUFFY: I did not see that coming.
God, this show is so great.
GARRETT: You're the smartest girl in here, Zar.
You did really great solving that sexy snow puzzle today.
ZARA: I cheated.
[LAUGHS.]
I bribed the producer to tell me which ice chest had the thong in it.
Wow.
Wow, I never would've thought to do that.
I just really, really wanted to win.
Why? Do you just, like, really like puzzles? No, because the prize was this date with you.
- GARRETT: Oh.
- ZARA: [GIGGLES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
- [TV BEEPS.]
QUEEN: Zara's found love.
Good for her.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
[BELLS JINGLE.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, that spells "breath", honey, which is gross.
You need an E on the end for "breathe", which is merely trite.
Do you think I like selling decorative letters, Tony 2? I know they're basic, but they also pay our R-E-N-T.
Point.
[BELLS JINGLE.]
AINSLEY: Oh, hi! [GASPS.]
Isn't today Giles's first day at Peath? - I just dropped him off.
- AINSLEY: Well, how'd it go? Oh, what you'd expect, really crying, screaming, running off to hide in a tree.
- Giles was even worse.
- It'll get easier.
- For both of you.
- I hope so.
And to be honest, I could use a little peace and quiet.
I'm so sick of Giles making us watch these dreadful films made of drawings.
Cartoons? Mm, that's the one.
ZARA: When our lips first touched, it was like lightning striking.
GARRETT: Yeah, or that lightning that makes a sound.
- ZARA: Thunder, babe.
- GARRETT: Yes.
Thunder, yeah.
Like Thunder from Down Under.
- You know, I was in that.
- Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Were you? - GARRETT: Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you know what? Like, the first time I kissed Zara, right? I felt nearly as good as when I first lifted 150 kg.
[TV BEEPS.]
[REVELATORY MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
Zara's sending me signals! - What? - CRAIG: On the show! Zara kissed Garrett, and I was like, "Well, that's it.
It's over.
" But then she scratched her forehead.
Wait, Zara kissed Garrett? - Are you not watching? - DUFFY: No, it's DVR'd.
Maya's coming over later to watch, so, actually, if you could not give any more spoilers, Craig CRAIG: Duffy, shut up.
When Zara and I were dating, we had a signal at parties for when we needed to be rescued from talking to someone lame.
We scratched our foreheads.
DUFFY: Okay.
So what I'm telling you is that after she kissed that guy, she scratched her forehead! She's trying to communicate with me, man.
She wants me back, baby.
DUFFY: Or maybe she just has an itchy forehead.
No way, man.
Listen, Zara used to scratch her forehead all the time.
Like, every single time she talked to me.
Wait.
- What do I do? - DUFFY: Nothing.
Craig, look, next week we'll all watch together, and if we agree that the person on the TV is talking to you, then we will figure something out.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, t-that makes sense.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks, man.
Yeah, of course, pal.
Bye.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh [BELL TOLLS.]
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Hey.
What are you smiling about? DUFFY: I was just thinking to myself, "If I could go back in time and tell 19-year-old Duffy that one day I'd be lying in bed next to you, I would not believe it.
" That's what you would do if you could go back in time? You wouldn't, like, kill Hitler or tell John Travolta how to pronounce Idina Menzel? - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- No, no.
I would just have a chat with myself.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the dining hall and get us some breakfast.
Yes.
Western omelet with tater tots on the side? You know me so well.
Like, too well? You know, like you feel you're dating your brother? 'Cause I could try to know you not so well.
Usually at this point in a relationship, I'm still waking up early, brushing my teeth, and then sneaking back into bed.
Right.
[LAUGHS.]
- Did you do that? - No.
- Oh, no, my breath is stinks.
- You're a liar.
- No, no.
- Breathe on me.
No, it's disgusting.
No, Maya.
[HOLDS BREATH.]
I can smell the mint from here.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I just don't want to mess this up.
There's nothing to mess up.
[SWEET INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
All right, I got to get those tots before Bernard does.
MAYA: Okay.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
- [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
- [BELLS JINGLE.]
- - Good morning! - Ugh, hi.
Um, I have to leave early.
I'm hosting a Love Chalet party.
Oh, okay, fine.
I am going to my own Love Chalet party at Craig's, so don't feel bad about not inviting me to yours.
I would never invite you or feel bad.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [BELLS JINGLE.]
[CUSTOMER SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- Ugh.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
- May we help you? Yes.
My name is Harper Dylan.
I'm going through a divorce, and I need to decorate my home to within an inch of its life.
- Oh.
- Hi, I'm Ainsley Howard.
It's so lovely to meet you.
This is Tony 2.
I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce.
- I'm certainly not.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, um what can we do for you? I am getting the six-bedroom town house and everything in it in the divorce.
Your job is to pack it as full of stuff as you can before the settlement is final and before my joint account goes poof.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY, CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, um, how would you describe your design aesthetic? Expensive and spiteful.
TONY 2: Oh, my God, I am living for you.
- I was about to quit this job - before you walked through that door.
[LAUGHS.]
I was hoping after 13 years that my ex and I might be able to part with some dignity, but then he set all my shoes on fire.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- HARPER: So the gloves are off.
He also set all my gloves on fire.
You've got me shook, boy I hope you don't judge me.
Oh, no, I would never judge you.
I was recently left at the altar, so, hmm, I get it.
I have a feeling you and I are going to be very good friends.
Mm.
CRAIG: Thanks.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I got to run.
I got people coming over to my house soon.
- What are you up to tonight? - Nothing.
Fatima canceled our date because her nani has to watch Britain's Got Talent.
She's in love with the guy who plays piano with his feet.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? I'm having people over to my house tonight to watch Love Chalet.
- Why don't you come? - Yeah, right.
- What about Ainsley? - No, she bailed.
It'll be just you, Maya, Duffy, and my kale salad, just in case Duffy orders from that Thai food place that I hate.
Maya will be there? And Duffy, too? - Yeah, I'll try and make it.
- CRAIG: Awesome.
Hey, and do you mind bringing napkins, ice, paper plates, plastic forks, and two microwavable-safe serving bowls? What? I'm not good at throwing parties.
Zara used to do it.
I'm still wrapping my head around this.
I know, I know.
It's crazy, right? - It's amazing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Now we've both seen Duffy naked.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So how's it going? Uh, it's good.
I mean, it's weird 'cause we've known each other forever, so we've kind of skipped the, like, awkward, nervous, excited part.
But it's good.
As long as you got that spark, nothing else matters, you know what I mean? Like, that feeling that maybe if you were separated by time or space or a reality show, you'd still be destined to be together.
- TV HOST: Hello, and welcome to Love Chalet.
- CRAIG: Oh, shit, it's starting.
- Duffy! - Yep.
- CRAIG: Move your ass! - TV HOST: This scene is so hot - it's gonna melt mountains.
- CRAIG: [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[FUNKY POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
CONTESTANT: I like your bag, Zara.
ZARA: Oh, thanks.
I got it on TheRealReal.
CONTESTANT: What you keep in there? All your secrets and lies? Oh.
ZARA: You don't have to be so mean.
You're not here for the right reasons.
[SIGHS.]
CRAIG: Yes! See? Look! That's it! She gets into an argument and instantly scratches her head! That's her saying, "Craig, please come get me.
" Look, dude, you obviously really miss her No! I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not, okay? This is magic couple ESP.
It's like our hearts are two Bluetooth devices paired together.
DUFFY: Yeah, yeah [MUMBLES.]
- [TV BEEPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
GARRETT: Hey, what's up, Zar? ZARA: Catriona is being unnecessarily confrontational.
GARRETT: Hey, listen, don't cry, love.
She's just mad because Ronnie took Nigella on his one-on-one s'mores date, all right? - Come here.
- All right, now, here we go.
Scratch time.
[LAUGHS.]
[SAUCY POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
[SMOOCHING ON TV.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Anytime now, Zar.
Just scratch your head.
Come on, now, girl.
ZARA: Oh, Garrett, you're amazing.
Is dry-humping a hot dude one of your signals? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- KASH: Hey, Craig.
BASHEER: Special delivery two studs.
And we bought you eco-friendly paper products.
Ba-ba-ba-bam-bam.
For you, brother.
KASH: Hey, Maya.
Everyone.
Um, Craig invited me.
Hope that's okay.
I brought my mate, Basheer.
My name's Basheer, AKA DJ Foreplay.
Or if you're in the mobile phone business, people call me the 4G OG.
Trademark pending, so don't use that, yeah? I'm Duffy.
This is my girlfriend, Maya.
It's nice to meet you.
That's that's your girlfriend? Yes.
The lady sitting next to you is your girlfriend? - DUFFY: Yes.
- Congratulations, big man.
Gives me hope.
I'm gonna get it started, yeah? [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
[TV BEEPS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CUP CLINKS.]
[BOTTLE CLINKS.]
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
- Maya? - Yeah? Forgot your drinks.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I just I just decided I wasn't thirsty.
- You can take them if you want.
- KASH: Thanks.
I'm good.
Oh, no, sorry, isn't alcohol, uh, haram, right? - Is that it? - Uh, yeah, it is.
But, no, I drink.
Just not tonight.
We've got a long drive back to Hounslow.
Oh, uh, you're still living with your dad? Uh, yeah.
Still at home.
But not in, like, a sad man-child way.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- My dad's not been well.
Which is still sad, but in a more traditional way.
Oh, God, Kash, I'm so sorry.
- Is everything okay? - Uh, yeah.
He just can't be a 68-year-old diabetic with a cake-based diet.
I don't know, you kind of just described half of America, and we're number one.
DUFFY: Maya, yo quiero mi margarita.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, it's here.
- KASH: Hey, dude.
- Hey, Kash.
- Here.
- Oh, thank you.
[GROANS.]
Oh, God, that is, like, all tequila.
Oh.
Someone's trying to get me drunk.
- [ROLLS TONGUE.]
- [MAYA CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
CRAIG: Ooh.
Oh.
- MAYA: What did I miss? - CRAIG: We missed you.
GARRETT: So tell me about your last relationship.
ZARA: Craig was so secretive.
It was like dating a stranger.
So, after we broke up, I figured I might as well date an actual stranger.
- That's what brought me here.
- GARRETT: Yeah.
I'm here to promote my line of protein powder, but I just never expected to add mass to my heart.
ZARA: Aw.
- [ALL GROAN.]
- KASH: What? GARRETT: So, Zara, I know Fantasy Suites are coming up, and I just want you to know that my fantasy is to be with you.
Did you write that wordplay? No, someone said it last season.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SMOOCHING ON TV.]
What are "Fantasy Suites"? BASHEER: Listen, you're not gonna want to watch that, brother.
The couples share a luxury hotel room bubble baths, silken robes, a little bit of sex as well probably.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- AINSLEY: Hey! Sorry I'm late, but mama just sold £300,000 worth of furniture [GASPS.]
Oh.
Hey, Ains.
AINSLEY: Craig, what is he doing here? - KASH: This was a mistake.
I should go.
- No, no, sit down.
It's fine.
AINSLEY: "It's fine"? Kash is my friend.
What he did to you was awful, but I-I can't just cut him out of my life.
Everyone uses Facebook, and they do all kinds of horrible shit to us.
Wow.
He didn't tell us that he was gonna be here, either.
[KASH CLEARS THROAT.]
Kash you have known for a couple of years.
I have been one of your best friends since college.
I Do I mean, this is this is, like, a - This is a total betrayal.
- Cut me some slack, please.
My girlfriend is about to screw a guy on national television.
On a bed of rose petals, if history is any indication.
Oh, okay, so I'm the asshole here.
- Yeah.
- No.
- AINSLEY: I get it, yeah.
- Ainsley I get it.
No.
- Maya, please, come on.
- CRAIG: Ainsley.
AINSLEY: Let's go.
DUFFY: Bye, guys.
Sorry, Craig.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Craig.
Do you mind if we stay? Because I'd really like to watch the conclusion of this episode.
Thanks, mate.
[TV BEEPS.]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
- GARRETT: All right.
- ZARA: That's a big one.
- GARRETT: Open wide.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
ZARA: Mmm, mmm.
[LAUGHING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BELLS JINGLE.]
Oh, my God, Love Chalet.
What did Craig think? I hope he isn't devastated.
I don't want to talk about Craig.
- [DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE.]
- BRYCE: Are you Ainsley Howard? Yeah, dude.
Who are you? I'm Harper Dylan's ex-husband, and I ain't paying for any of that shit she just bought.
Excuse me? She wrote you a check for £300,000.
You cash it, and you're an accomplice in a financial crime.
Wait, what? My lawyer will be available to answer any questions.
Hey, I'm not afraid of you.
I will cash whatever damn check I please.
Men like you think they can screw over women and just get away with it.
"Men like me.
" Hmm, what do you mean? Harper told me all about you.
You're the psychopath who burned all of her shoes.
Yeah, because she slept with my brother.
Don't suppose she told you that part? No, she said that, I think.
And afterwards, I was, yeah, really mad.
Everybody said, "Don't overreact.
Work on your marriage.
" And then I tripped on one of those little red-bottomed pieces of shit, and I realized I was mad.
I was allowed to be mad, and the only thing that was gonna help me feel better was to burn those shoes into a plastic-y sludge.
But it didn't make you feel any better.
Like hell.
Made me feel great.
That is, right up until yesterday, when I got a high-activity alert from my bank.
Well, I'm sorry.
That is awful.
But this is business.
That woman took a lot from me.
Please, don't cash that check.
[SERIOUS MUSIC.]
[BELLS JINGLE.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- - - [BELL RINGING.]
- DUFFY: Come on, now, gents.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Mummy, there's a sleepover at school Saturday, and Sebastian's doing it, so I want to do it.
Sorry, wait.
Who's Sebastian? He's my mate.
Well, he was my enemy at first, but then a handball hit him in the head, and I walked him to the nurse, and now he's my mate.
- So, can I go? - A sleepover? - GILES: Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.
Gemma, hi.
Giles telling you about this weekend? Yes, I'm just hearing about it now.
Spoiler alert it's a no.
Uh-oh.
Are you sure? The boys love it.
They sleep on the field.
We have a giant telescope.
And Peath is Anglican, not Catholic, you know, if you're worried about you know.
Well, I wasn't, but thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, all right.
But you're sure you'll be okay without me? - GILES: She said yes! - BOYS: Yeah! So how are you? Oh, quite well.
As long as Giles is good, I'm good.
And Lord knows I could use a weekend to myself.
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION.]
TV HOST: Hello, and welcome to Love Chalet.
Last week, Zara poured her heart out to Garrett about her secretive, untrustworthy ex-boyfriend, Craig.
You forgot "backstabbing asshole".
Is, uh, anyone watching with Craig? I don't know.
We haven't spoken in a couple days.
He's probably watching with his best friend, Kash.
TV HOST: But will Zara pick Garrett to join her in the Fantasy Suite? Or will it be this week's newcomer, Liam? I really don't envy you on this one, because, Zara, it's gonna get a whole lot tougher.
ZARA: What? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- CRAIG: Zara! ZARA: Craig, what are you doing here? - [BOTH GASP.]
- Oh, no.
MAYA: Oh, my God, it's Craig in a Speedo! Oh, sh TV HOST: Following a heartfelt appeal, the producers have allowed Zara's ex, Craig, one last chance to plead his case.
Oh, no.
Come on, Craig.
Zara, you said that I was too private and secretive, and you were right.
So here I am, in front of the entire world, I'm gonna tell you all my secrets.
- AINSLEY: No.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
- DUFFY: Oh, no.
- Craig, that's not necessary.
- No, it is the only way.
[AINSLEY LAUGHING.]
[STIRRING STRING MUSIC.]
I'm not 5'10".
I'm 5'8".
- Oh.
- He looks it.
I get silicone butt injections.
What? CRAIG: I sell Magic: The Gathering cards online under the pseudonym "CraigtheFlyWizard 69.
" - DUFFY: Idiot.
- AINSLEY: [LAUGHING.]
- MAYA: Wow.
- AINSLEY: That's so dorky! But my biggest secret is that I knew from the first moment that I saw you I was in love.
[ZARA GASPS.]
[ALL GASP.]
Will you marry me? - BASHEER: Oh! - [GASPS.]
No.
My answer's no.
I can't marry you, Craig.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS.]
No.
- [MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
- - DUFFY: Craig? - [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Open up, pal.
I'm worried about you.
CRAIG: Go away, Duffy.
I'm fine.
Okay, yeah.
Well, I intercepted your pizza guy on the way up here, so if you don't let me in, I guess I'm just gonna eat your whole gluten-free pizza with no cheese.
Jesus Christ.
CRAIG: [GROANS.]
Fine.
You look great.
I don't know what I'm gonna do without her.
Look, dude, I'm not gonna let you sit here and wallow, okay? Tonight we are going out and getting crazy.
"Out" like when you take me to TGI Fridays for the 2-for-20 deals or "out" like the club? Out like the club.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[BOTH SPEAKING HINDI.]
[LAUGHS.]
FATIMA: Hey, uh, you need a hand? - Nani's getting hangry.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- I have a surprise for you.
- Oh! [GASPS.]
Um You said you'd never had a cannoli.
Yeah, I've only ever seen it in the, um in The Godfather.
- Go on, then.
- Oh, Kash, um, thank you.
Um, okay.
- Mmm.
- Mmm? You know what? It's not that good.
What? Really? But I love that you brought it for me.
Oh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
- Oh, um - Well - [LAUGHS.]
You, um you've got a bit of [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
Um, did I get it? Yeah, no.
C-come here.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SWEET MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[BOTH CLEAR THROAT.]
Hey, my friends are going to a club tonight.
Would you want to go? Oh, just, um, you and me without our chaperones? Yeah, like a real date.
- Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Um, uh, listen, this is this is obviously a really frustration situation.
I'm not proud of the dreams I've been having.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
But but we both agreed to doing it this way.
Yeah, no, no, I just I wasn't thinking.
Oh, but, um but you and Bash should go.
No, no, no, it's fine.
I'll go another time.
Honestly, it's fine.
Have fun.
[URDU ACCENT.]
Just don't do anything too Western.
Okay? It upsets me.
Right, let's see if your nani likes my cannolis.
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
She won't.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Well this is nice.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh, thank God.
[SIGHS.]
LIZZO: Mirror, mirror, on the wall Don't say it, 'cause I know I'm cute - Oh, there's Craig.
- MAYA: Oh, great.
Oh, shit.
There's Kash.
Ainsley's gonna flip the F out.
Maybe we should just go.
Well, tonight's about Craig, and we're already here.
Yeah, you're right.
It's about Craig.
Yeah.
LIZZO: I was born like this - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Maya.
- Hey, Duffy.
- Kash.
Listen, you look bomb tonight, you know what I'm saying? You're gonna clean up, you know? - Oh.
- I still date her.
Oh, yeah, right.
Of course you do, yeah.
- DUFFY: I do.
- Uh, I'm gonna get a drink.
- Does anybody need anything? - No need.
Bottle service, baby.
VIP, my friends.
None for me, of course.
I'm on this sparkling apple juice.
Ba-ba-ba-bam-bam-bam.
For y'all.
Yeah, do I are we gonna split this five ways, though? 'Cause I'm probably only gonna get one drink, so Don't sweat it, mate.
We're putting this on the corporate card.
- Cheers.
- ALL: Cheers.
Yeah, thank you.
Let me know if I should pitch in.
I'll go find an ATM if it's affiliated with my bank.
- There's no need.
- Should we dance? - Yeah.
- We should dance.
LIZZO: Look, baby, I'm the whole damn meal - Ooh, baby - So, no Ainsley? No.
LIZZO: The juice ain't worth the squeeze - DUFFY: Hey! - MAYA: Oh, hey, Gemma! What are you doing here? Well, I'm not just Ainsley's friend, you know.
I'm an essential part of this friendship group.
- Oh, yeah.
- DUFFY: Yeah.
He isn't, though.
What's he doing here? DUFFY: Craig invited him.
It's really annoying.
I swear, if he wasn't paying for all of the drinks, I would tell him to get lost.
We were just gonna dance.
Do you want to Oh, no, I'm fine.
- I'll just take a seat.
- DUFFY: No, no, no, no, no.
No, Gemma.
Come on.
LIZZO: I'm out here getting loose Gotta blame it on the Goose Gotta blame it on my juice - Ya-ya-ee - SINGER: Ya-ya-ee ALL: Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee LIZZO: Blame it on my juice, blame it, blame it That's not a cocktail.
This is a cocktail.
So then Fatima's nani realized she's on a bus to Karachi, not Lahore, and that's how she met her husband.
Nice, isn't it? You're a lucky guy, you know.
- Fatima's nani's a nut, brother.
- Sorry, who's Fatima? Uh, she's a friend of ours from the mosque.
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
SINGER: Our love It's something Baby, it is more than love Our love It's something Baby, it is more than love Our love It's something And I just can't get enough I need your love I need your love I need your love What you did on Love Chalet was one of the most romantic things I have ever seen.
I just looked at my boyfriend, and I was like, "You're shit.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Man, well, it's better to sort all that out on national telly.
I never would have turned down your proposal.
Well, if she hadn't, I wouldn't be here, would I? [ALL LAUGHING.]
Hi, there.
The name's Basheer, aka DJ Foreplay.
Are you ladies happy with your cell phone plans? Um, yeah, I think we're all right.
[CHUCKLES.]
SINGER: You can be cool Cool like me Mm-hmm, yeah You can be cool PATRON: Hello, hello.
We couldn't help noticing youse girls dancing all on your own.
We're not.
My boyfriend's getting us drinks.
PATRON 2: Oh, your boyfriend, eh? Well, then we'll keep you warm till he gets back.
- GEMMA: We're leaving now.
- MAYA: We're good, thank you.
PATRON: Hey, just once dance, then.
- MAYA: Hey! Hey! - I'm a nice guy, I promise.
DUFFY: Hey, what's going on? PATRON 2: Oh, the boyfriend returns.
Oh, good choice.
He's so cute.
- Hey, hey! - Don't touch him! Hey, that's assault in any court in the land, pal! Yeah? And what's the waitress gonna do about it? Well, first, I'll put down these drinks.
Oy, dickhead, they're not interested.
Take the hint and get out of here.
And take your tiny little knob with you as well.
Oh.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
We seem to have upset the terrorists.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
GUARD: Move, move, move! Hey, hey, hey! GEMMA: Are you all right? Yeah, the bouncer really did a number on my shoulder when he pushed me for no reason! - What's that, then? - Well, what did you say? MAYA: Here.
- Put this there.
- [GRUNTS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
- Well, help him in, man! - CRAIG: Oh.
- Craig.
- Okay, yeah.
Come on, take your time.
Take your time.
Watch your step.
Watch your step.
- BASHEER: Are you okay, Kashif? - KASH: Yeah, I'm good.
- BASHEER: Are you okay, Kashif? - KASH: I'm good, let's go.
DUFFY: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, wait, wait! I'm still here! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
Do you want to share a cab? Yeah, sure.
Hey, I could really use some company tonight.
CRAIG: [CHUCKLES.]
Well, um [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Um why don't you take this one and I'll, uh - I'm gonna take the next one.
- But why? Uh I got something I got to do.
Well, it all got a big dodgy there toward the end, but all in all, I needed that.
Thank you, Duffy.
What? Thank you for inviting me out.
I was alone at home missing Quentin and feeling, well, alone And this helped.
No problem.
I'm glad you came.
You do know you can do better than Maya, don't you? [UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
You know, if you hadn't gotten to that guy first, I would have kicked his racist ass.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Where'd you learn to fight prison? Worse.
High school.
I worked in an Oakland McDonald's.
Hey, two packets of ketchup per customer.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
I still think about when we first met.
BASHEER: Yo, I done finally found parking.
Bloody hell.
These hospital car parks are a bloody rip-off, eh? It's not right, bro.
My brother has just been through a racially motivated dust-up.
Should be some kind of discounted rate for that trauma.
Right, yeah.
In fact, who is in charge of the parking around here? Big man, is it you? Taking the piss, isn't it? [SIGHS.]
Don't you love these? So full of whimsy.
And you can spell anything.
I know, isn't the alphabet amazing? Mm.
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE.]
AINSLEY: Oh, what? I didn't cash your check, homey.
You want me to go find it in the trash? I can, because I can no longer pay my cleaning service to empty it.
No, I came to say thank you.
Oh.
And if you're if you're available, I'd like to hire you.
I don't have a town house, just a two-bedroom bachelor pad.
And I'm hard to work with.
Yes, yes, we'll do it.
No questions asked.
We desperately need the money.
Fine.
We can come over tonight to give you an estimate.
- It will be very high.
- Done.
But it can't be tonight.
I'm watching the Love Chalet finale.
TONY 2: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
TV HOST: Hello, and welcome to the Love Chalet finale.
GARRETT: Zara meeting you has been the best thing - that's ever happened to me.
- [ZARA CHUCKLES.]
GARRETT: And when that motorcycle crash ended my exotic-dancing career I just thought, like "What is the point?" You know? But now I know.
- The point is you.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Zara will you do me the honor of being my wife? [GASPS, LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
CRAIG: Damn it, Duffy.
Duffy? [GRUNTS.]
Hi, Craig.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC.]
[WOMEN VOCALIZING.]
SINGER: What makes up the man I choose to love? Time to understand This man I love What secrets does he keep from me? Too many times he's sorry Still I choose to love him I choose to love him Something in my heart Keeps sending me crying MAN: Go to bed.
I'm staying, Mom.
I admire your tenacity, because we're cutting you off.
Oh, God.
Your father told me that you're interested in an arranged marriage.
- Fatima.
- Kash.
[STAMMERS.]
We can shake hands.
- Great.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
AUGUSTA: Giles looks in good spirits, at least.
Is he all packed and ready for boarding school? Actually, Giles isn't going back to Cragscross on Monday.
What Giles really needs What Giles needs is to be with his mother.
ZARA: My name's Zara.
I'm a Virgo by birth, Gemini by choice, and I'm looking for love.
And that's what I wish for all of you that you find someone who makes you a better version of you than you would ever be on your own who you'd be utterly lost without.
I'm in love with you, Maya.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING IN THE DISTANCE.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MAN GROANS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Hey.
Morning, Duffy.
Oh, uh I was just grabbing my glasses.
- MAYA: Oh.
- DUFFY: Could you, actually? Thanks.
[GASPS.]
Holy shit, Maya? [CHUCKLES.]
DUFFY: I'm late.
Sorry.
So what's the play here? Do we talk about this? Yeah, no, we definitely should, right? It's just if I'm not at Peath when they boys wake up, they go full-on Lord of the Flies.
One time they flushed an entire kid down the toilet.
Maybe we can talk about this tonight over, um, dinner? - Uh, sure.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Great.
I'll see you tonight.
- Great.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Oh, nice to see you, Duffy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Are you sure you can't stay for breakfast? - I have cinnamon rolls.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Got to make a train.
- Oh, well, well I hope enjoyed your stay here at Chez Amour! [CHUCKLES.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Maya, Maya! I can't believe I am sitting on the bed where you and Duffy had sex.
[GIGGLES GOOFILY, IMITATES SQUEAKING.]
Oh, my God, stop being a loser.
No, this is amazing.
You are finally with someone nice.
It's not just someone.
It's Duffy.
- So? - I've known him since we were 18.
His mom did my bunion surgery.
AINSLEY: But he's in love with you.
He's always been in love with you.
Haven't you at least thought about it? Sure, I've always thought he was cute.
And then he'd show up to graduation in a Jedi outfit, and I'd be like, "Uh, never mind.
" Okay, is that worse than Ted? Or that jerk who cheated on you with that girl who looked exactly like his sister? Derek.
He's actually in jail.
Why, because he and his sister - Insider trading.
- Ugh, boring.
You don't even date interesting jerks.
Look, you have known Duffy forever, so you know what a good guy he is.
Isn't it worth just a little shot? - Let me ask you one question - The sex was good.
"Good".
That's it? "Good"? - Okay, fine, it was great.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh, my God, yes, yes! - [IMITATES SQUEAKING.]
- Stop it! Oh, my God, I don't know where that pillow's been.
Stop! [LIGHT INDIE ROCK MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, PHONES RINGING.]
Mate, Zara's a TV star.
CRAIG: Reality TV? Relax, this will be over soon.
Zara won't last a week without her phone.
I don't know.
She's already everyone's favorite.
Basheer thinks she'll end up with Duncan, the guy who teaches blind children because the seeing ones find him too attractive.
Sorry, mate.
I wasn't thinking.
[SIGHS.]
It's all right.
I mean, people don't really find love on this show, right? KASH: Well, the people who won Love Chalet last year are already on baby number two, so oh, my God, sorry.
Fatima's obsessed with this stuff.
She was telling me about it all last night.
Oh, that's the third time I heard you mention Fatima today.
Do I hear mosque bells? It's hard to tell with these chaperoned dates.
We're not even allowed to hold hands.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Zara and I had sex on our first date before the main course arrived.
God, I miss her.
GEMMA: Can you believe Giles and I took the Tube here? It was quite a thrill.
Someone drew a phallus on an advertisement.
Mummy, I have eight kills! All headshots! Oh, that's wonderful, darling.
He never told me things like that before.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
So are you two doing okay? All things considered.
Giles is relieved not to be going back to Cragscross.
- Mm.
- He starts Peath in two weeks.
Peath? That's perfect.
Duffy can keep an eye on him.
Yes, I agree.
It's not ideal.
But I'm more concerned about my role.
How am I gonna help Giles with his homework? And what do I pack him for lunch? Steak? Raisins? I'm overwhelmed.
Oh, girl, my mom used to pack me cottage cheese and a picture of Miss America for inspiration.
You're gonna be fine.
Oh, I just want Giles to be okay.
He still insists on sleeping in my bed every night.
He's very fragile right now.
Mummy, I've killed them all! I've won! [VOCALIZING GOOFILY.]
- Yeah! - Sweet, isn't it? GILES: Yeah! [VOCALIZING.]
Yeah! [MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Duffy - Hey, last night was Whew.
Yeah, um no, please.
- You go, you go.
- No, please, after you.
Look, I obviously like you, and I obviously have always liked you and not just because you look like you.
I think you're really smart, and I think you fight for things that matter.
Do you remember when you convinced us to occupy Wall Street and I almost died of trench foot? Yeah, I remember that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't have any regrets about last night except that I wish I would've told you how I felt sooner.
I guess I was just afraid that you wouldn't feel the same way.
And seeing you now, I realize that you don't, and I really wish I would've let you speak first.
Oh, my God.
Duffy, you're one of my best friends Hey, no, I get it.
It was a one-time thing.
We shall never speak of it again.
Could we get the check, please? Duffy, will you let me finish? You're one of my best friends Yeah.
Which is why I feel like this could be really good.
I-I want to give it a try.
- Wait, are you serious? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just to be clear, you're talking boyfriend and girlfriend, right? [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Okay, yeah.
No, I would I would really love that as well.
TV HOST: It's week two of Love Chalet, and things are really heating up.
[FUNKY POP MUSIC.]
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING ON TV.]
MAYA: Come on! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
- Yes, thank you.
DUNCAN: Here, let me feed you some fondue.
Mmm.
That's delicious.
I can't eat too much cheese.
It inflames my colon.
DUNCAN: I love learning more about you.
Did you know I'm an aspiring bartender? - No.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's so cool.
- I know, right? Duncan, you smell amazing.
DUNCAN: Thanks, I'm using a new scent.
- ZARA: Really? - DUNCAN: Yeah.
PAUL: I knew you'd been using my cologne! I write my name on the bottle for a reason, dimwit.
What, you can't read or something? DUNCAN: Hey, you know I can read.
I just told you I started Percy Jackson.
PAUL: You and Percy both got a lot in common, 'cause you're both thieves.
Hey, dude, spoiler alert! Don't you get it? I just wanted to smell like you.
I love the way that you smell.
- PAUL: You do? - DUNCAN: Yeah.
I love everything about you.
[INTIMATE MUSIC.]
- [BOTH GASP.]
- MAYA: Oh, nice.
DUFFY: I did not see that coming.
God, this show is so great.
GARRETT: You're the smartest girl in here, Zar.
You did really great solving that sexy snow puzzle today.
ZARA: I cheated.
[LAUGHS.]
I bribed the producer to tell me which ice chest had the thong in it.
Wow.
Wow, I never would've thought to do that.
I just really, really wanted to win.
Why? Do you just, like, really like puzzles? No, because the prize was this date with you.
- GARRETT: Oh.
- ZARA: [GIGGLES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
- [TV BEEPS.]
QUEEN: Zara's found love.
Good for her.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
[BELLS JINGLE.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, that spells "breath", honey, which is gross.
You need an E on the end for "breathe", which is merely trite.
Do you think I like selling decorative letters, Tony 2? I know they're basic, but they also pay our R-E-N-T.
Point.
[BELLS JINGLE.]
AINSLEY: Oh, hi! [GASPS.]
Isn't today Giles's first day at Peath? - I just dropped him off.
- AINSLEY: Well, how'd it go? Oh, what you'd expect, really crying, screaming, running off to hide in a tree.
- Giles was even worse.
- It'll get easier.
- For both of you.
- I hope so.
And to be honest, I could use a little peace and quiet.
I'm so sick of Giles making us watch these dreadful films made of drawings.
Cartoons? Mm, that's the one.
ZARA: When our lips first touched, it was like lightning striking.
GARRETT: Yeah, or that lightning that makes a sound.
- ZARA: Thunder, babe.
- GARRETT: Yes.
Thunder, yeah.
Like Thunder from Down Under.
- You know, I was in that.
- Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Were you? - GARRETT: Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you know what? Like, the first time I kissed Zara, right? I felt nearly as good as when I first lifted 150 kg.
[TV BEEPS.]
[REVELATORY MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
Zara's sending me signals! - What? - CRAIG: On the show! Zara kissed Garrett, and I was like, "Well, that's it.
It's over.
" But then she scratched her forehead.
Wait, Zara kissed Garrett? - Are you not watching? - DUFFY: No, it's DVR'd.
Maya's coming over later to watch, so, actually, if you could not give any more spoilers, Craig CRAIG: Duffy, shut up.
When Zara and I were dating, we had a signal at parties for when we needed to be rescued from talking to someone lame.
We scratched our foreheads.
DUFFY: Okay.
So what I'm telling you is that after she kissed that guy, she scratched her forehead! She's trying to communicate with me, man.
She wants me back, baby.
DUFFY: Or maybe she just has an itchy forehead.
No way, man.
Listen, Zara used to scratch her forehead all the time.
Like, every single time she talked to me.
Wait.
- What do I do? - DUFFY: Nothing.
Craig, look, next week we'll all watch together, and if we agree that the person on the TV is talking to you, then we will figure something out.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, t-that makes sense.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks, man.
Yeah, of course, pal.
Bye.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh [BELL TOLLS.]
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Hey.
What are you smiling about? DUFFY: I was just thinking to myself, "If I could go back in time and tell 19-year-old Duffy that one day I'd be lying in bed next to you, I would not believe it.
" That's what you would do if you could go back in time? You wouldn't, like, kill Hitler or tell John Travolta how to pronounce Idina Menzel? - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- No, no.
I would just have a chat with myself.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the dining hall and get us some breakfast.
Yes.
Western omelet with tater tots on the side? You know me so well.
Like, too well? You know, like you feel you're dating your brother? 'Cause I could try to know you not so well.
Usually at this point in a relationship, I'm still waking up early, brushing my teeth, and then sneaking back into bed.
Right.
[LAUGHS.]
- Did you do that? - No.
- Oh, no, my breath is stinks.
- You're a liar.
- No, no.
- Breathe on me.
No, it's disgusting.
No, Maya.
[HOLDS BREATH.]
I can smell the mint from here.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I just don't want to mess this up.
There's nothing to mess up.
[SWEET INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
All right, I got to get those tots before Bernard does.
MAYA: Okay.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
- [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
- [BELLS JINGLE.]
- - Good morning! - Ugh, hi.
Um, I have to leave early.
I'm hosting a Love Chalet party.
Oh, okay, fine.
I am going to my own Love Chalet party at Craig's, so don't feel bad about not inviting me to yours.
I would never invite you or feel bad.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [BELLS JINGLE.]
[CUSTOMER SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- Ugh.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
- May we help you? Yes.
My name is Harper Dylan.
I'm going through a divorce, and I need to decorate my home to within an inch of its life.
- Oh.
- Hi, I'm Ainsley Howard.
It's so lovely to meet you.
This is Tony 2.
I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce.
- I'm certainly not.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, um what can we do for you? I am getting the six-bedroom town house and everything in it in the divorce.
Your job is to pack it as full of stuff as you can before the settlement is final and before my joint account goes poof.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY, CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, um, how would you describe your design aesthetic? Expensive and spiteful.
TONY 2: Oh, my God, I am living for you.
- I was about to quit this job - before you walked through that door.
[LAUGHS.]
I was hoping after 13 years that my ex and I might be able to part with some dignity, but then he set all my shoes on fire.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- HARPER: So the gloves are off.
He also set all my gloves on fire.
You've got me shook, boy I hope you don't judge me.
Oh, no, I would never judge you.
I was recently left at the altar, so, hmm, I get it.
I have a feeling you and I are going to be very good friends.
Mm.
CRAIG: Thanks.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I got to run.
I got people coming over to my house soon.
- What are you up to tonight? - Nothing.
Fatima canceled our date because her nani has to watch Britain's Got Talent.
She's in love with the guy who plays piano with his feet.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? I'm having people over to my house tonight to watch Love Chalet.
- Why don't you come? - Yeah, right.
- What about Ainsley? - No, she bailed.
It'll be just you, Maya, Duffy, and my kale salad, just in case Duffy orders from that Thai food place that I hate.
Maya will be there? And Duffy, too? - Yeah, I'll try and make it.
- CRAIG: Awesome.
Hey, and do you mind bringing napkins, ice, paper plates, plastic forks, and two microwavable-safe serving bowls? What? I'm not good at throwing parties.
Zara used to do it.
I'm still wrapping my head around this.
I know, I know.
It's crazy, right? - It's amazing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Now we've both seen Duffy naked.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So how's it going? Uh, it's good.
I mean, it's weird 'cause we've known each other forever, so we've kind of skipped the, like, awkward, nervous, excited part.
But it's good.
As long as you got that spark, nothing else matters, you know what I mean? Like, that feeling that maybe if you were separated by time or space or a reality show, you'd still be destined to be together.
- TV HOST: Hello, and welcome to Love Chalet.
- CRAIG: Oh, shit, it's starting.
- Duffy! - Yep.
- CRAIG: Move your ass! - TV HOST: This scene is so hot - it's gonna melt mountains.
- CRAIG: [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[FUNKY POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
CONTESTANT: I like your bag, Zara.
ZARA: Oh, thanks.
I got it on TheRealReal.
CONTESTANT: What you keep in there? All your secrets and lies? Oh.
ZARA: You don't have to be so mean.
You're not here for the right reasons.
[SIGHS.]
CRAIG: Yes! See? Look! That's it! She gets into an argument and instantly scratches her head! That's her saying, "Craig, please come get me.
" Look, dude, you obviously really miss her No! I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not, okay? This is magic couple ESP.
It's like our hearts are two Bluetooth devices paired together.
DUFFY: Yeah, yeah [MUMBLES.]
- [TV BEEPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
GARRETT: Hey, what's up, Zar? ZARA: Catriona is being unnecessarily confrontational.
GARRETT: Hey, listen, don't cry, love.
She's just mad because Ronnie took Nigella on his one-on-one s'mores date, all right? - Come here.
- All right, now, here we go.
Scratch time.
[LAUGHS.]
[SAUCY POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
[SMOOCHING ON TV.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Anytime now, Zar.
Just scratch your head.
Come on, now, girl.
ZARA: Oh, Garrett, you're amazing.
Is dry-humping a hot dude one of your signals? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- KASH: Hey, Craig.
BASHEER: Special delivery two studs.
And we bought you eco-friendly paper products.
Ba-ba-ba-bam-bam.
For you, brother.
KASH: Hey, Maya.
Everyone.
Um, Craig invited me.
Hope that's okay.
I brought my mate, Basheer.
My name's Basheer, AKA DJ Foreplay.
Or if you're in the mobile phone business, people call me the 4G OG.
Trademark pending, so don't use that, yeah? I'm Duffy.
This is my girlfriend, Maya.
It's nice to meet you.
That's that's your girlfriend? Yes.
The lady sitting next to you is your girlfriend? - DUFFY: Yes.
- Congratulations, big man.
Gives me hope.
I'm gonna get it started, yeah? [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
[TV BEEPS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CUP CLINKS.]
[BOTTLE CLINKS.]
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
- Maya? - Yeah? Forgot your drinks.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I just I just decided I wasn't thirsty.
- You can take them if you want.
- KASH: Thanks.
I'm good.
Oh, no, sorry, isn't alcohol, uh, haram, right? - Is that it? - Uh, yeah, it is.
But, no, I drink.
Just not tonight.
We've got a long drive back to Hounslow.
Oh, uh, you're still living with your dad? Uh, yeah.
Still at home.
But not in, like, a sad man-child way.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- My dad's not been well.
Which is still sad, but in a more traditional way.
Oh, God, Kash, I'm so sorry.
- Is everything okay? - Uh, yeah.
He just can't be a 68-year-old diabetic with a cake-based diet.
I don't know, you kind of just described half of America, and we're number one.
DUFFY: Maya, yo quiero mi margarita.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, it's here.
- KASH: Hey, dude.
- Hey, Kash.
- Here.
- Oh, thank you.
[GROANS.]
Oh, God, that is, like, all tequila.
Oh.
Someone's trying to get me drunk.
- [ROLLS TONGUE.]
- [MAYA CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
CRAIG: Ooh.
Oh.
- MAYA: What did I miss? - CRAIG: We missed you.
GARRETT: So tell me about your last relationship.
ZARA: Craig was so secretive.
It was like dating a stranger.
So, after we broke up, I figured I might as well date an actual stranger.
- That's what brought me here.
- GARRETT: Yeah.
I'm here to promote my line of protein powder, but I just never expected to add mass to my heart.
ZARA: Aw.
- [ALL GROAN.]
- KASH: What? GARRETT: So, Zara, I know Fantasy Suites are coming up, and I just want you to know that my fantasy is to be with you.
Did you write that wordplay? No, someone said it last season.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SMOOCHING ON TV.]
What are "Fantasy Suites"? BASHEER: Listen, you're not gonna want to watch that, brother.
The couples share a luxury hotel room bubble baths, silken robes, a little bit of sex as well probably.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- AINSLEY: Hey! Sorry I'm late, but mama just sold £300,000 worth of furniture [GASPS.]
Oh.
Hey, Ains.
AINSLEY: Craig, what is he doing here? - KASH: This was a mistake.
I should go.
- No, no, sit down.
It's fine.
AINSLEY: "It's fine"? Kash is my friend.
What he did to you was awful, but I-I can't just cut him out of my life.
Everyone uses Facebook, and they do all kinds of horrible shit to us.
Wow.
He didn't tell us that he was gonna be here, either.
[KASH CLEARS THROAT.]
Kash you have known for a couple of years.
I have been one of your best friends since college.
I Do I mean, this is this is, like, a - This is a total betrayal.
- Cut me some slack, please.
My girlfriend is about to screw a guy on national television.
On a bed of rose petals, if history is any indication.
Oh, okay, so I'm the asshole here.
- Yeah.
- No.
- AINSLEY: I get it, yeah.
- Ainsley I get it.
No.
- Maya, please, come on.
- CRAIG: Ainsley.
AINSLEY: Let's go.
DUFFY: Bye, guys.
Sorry, Craig.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Craig.
Do you mind if we stay? Because I'd really like to watch the conclusion of this episode.
Thanks, mate.
[TV BEEPS.]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
- GARRETT: All right.
- ZARA: That's a big one.
- GARRETT: Open wide.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
ZARA: Mmm, mmm.
[LAUGHING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BELLS JINGLE.]
Oh, my God, Love Chalet.
What did Craig think? I hope he isn't devastated.
I don't want to talk about Craig.
- [DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE.]
- BRYCE: Are you Ainsley Howard? Yeah, dude.
Who are you? I'm Harper Dylan's ex-husband, and I ain't paying for any of that shit she just bought.
Excuse me? She wrote you a check for £300,000.
You cash it, and you're an accomplice in a financial crime.
Wait, what? My lawyer will be available to answer any questions.
Hey, I'm not afraid of you.
I will cash whatever damn check I please.
Men like you think they can screw over women and just get away with it.
"Men like me.
" Hmm, what do you mean? Harper told me all about you.
You're the psychopath who burned all of her shoes.
Yeah, because she slept with my brother.
Don't suppose she told you that part? No, she said that, I think.
And afterwards, I was, yeah, really mad.
Everybody said, "Don't overreact.
Work on your marriage.
" And then I tripped on one of those little red-bottomed pieces of shit, and I realized I was mad.
I was allowed to be mad, and the only thing that was gonna help me feel better was to burn those shoes into a plastic-y sludge.
But it didn't make you feel any better.
Like hell.
Made me feel great.
That is, right up until yesterday, when I got a high-activity alert from my bank.
Well, I'm sorry.
That is awful.
But this is business.
That woman took a lot from me.
Please, don't cash that check.
[SERIOUS MUSIC.]
[BELLS JINGLE.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- - - [BELL RINGING.]
- DUFFY: Come on, now, gents.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Mummy, there's a sleepover at school Saturday, and Sebastian's doing it, so I want to do it.
Sorry, wait.
Who's Sebastian? He's my mate.
Well, he was my enemy at first, but then a handball hit him in the head, and I walked him to the nurse, and now he's my mate.
- So, can I go? - A sleepover? - GILES: Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.
Gemma, hi.
Giles telling you about this weekend? Yes, I'm just hearing about it now.
Spoiler alert it's a no.
Uh-oh.
Are you sure? The boys love it.
They sleep on the field.
We have a giant telescope.
And Peath is Anglican, not Catholic, you know, if you're worried about you know.
Well, I wasn't, but thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, all right.
But you're sure you'll be okay without me? - GILES: She said yes! - BOYS: Yeah! So how are you? Oh, quite well.
As long as Giles is good, I'm good.
And Lord knows I could use a weekend to myself.
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION.]
TV HOST: Hello, and welcome to Love Chalet.
Last week, Zara poured her heart out to Garrett about her secretive, untrustworthy ex-boyfriend, Craig.
You forgot "backstabbing asshole".
Is, uh, anyone watching with Craig? I don't know.
We haven't spoken in a couple days.
He's probably watching with his best friend, Kash.
TV HOST: But will Zara pick Garrett to join her in the Fantasy Suite? Or will it be this week's newcomer, Liam? I really don't envy you on this one, because, Zara, it's gonna get a whole lot tougher.
ZARA: What? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- CRAIG: Zara! ZARA: Craig, what are you doing here? - [BOTH GASP.]
- Oh, no.
MAYA: Oh, my God, it's Craig in a Speedo! Oh, sh TV HOST: Following a heartfelt appeal, the producers have allowed Zara's ex, Craig, one last chance to plead his case.
Oh, no.
Come on, Craig.
Zara, you said that I was too private and secretive, and you were right.
So here I am, in front of the entire world, I'm gonna tell you all my secrets.
- AINSLEY: No.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
- DUFFY: Oh, no.
- Craig, that's not necessary.
- No, it is the only way.
[AINSLEY LAUGHING.]
[STIRRING STRING MUSIC.]
I'm not 5'10".
I'm 5'8".
- Oh.
- He looks it.
I get silicone butt injections.
What? CRAIG: I sell Magic: The Gathering cards online under the pseudonym "CraigtheFlyWizard 69.
" - DUFFY: Idiot.
- AINSLEY: [LAUGHING.]
- MAYA: Wow.
- AINSLEY: That's so dorky! But my biggest secret is that I knew from the first moment that I saw you I was in love.
[ZARA GASPS.]
[ALL GASP.]
Will you marry me? - BASHEER: Oh! - [GASPS.]
No.
My answer's no.
I can't marry you, Craig.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS.]
No.
- [MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
- - DUFFY: Craig? - [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Open up, pal.
I'm worried about you.
CRAIG: Go away, Duffy.
I'm fine.
Okay, yeah.
Well, I intercepted your pizza guy on the way up here, so if you don't let me in, I guess I'm just gonna eat your whole gluten-free pizza with no cheese.
Jesus Christ.
CRAIG: [GROANS.]
Fine.
You look great.
I don't know what I'm gonna do without her.
Look, dude, I'm not gonna let you sit here and wallow, okay? Tonight we are going out and getting crazy.
"Out" like when you take me to TGI Fridays for the 2-for-20 deals or "out" like the club? Out like the club.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[BOTH SPEAKING HINDI.]
[LAUGHS.]
FATIMA: Hey, uh, you need a hand? - Nani's getting hangry.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- I have a surprise for you.
- Oh! [GASPS.]
Um You said you'd never had a cannoli.
Yeah, I've only ever seen it in the, um in The Godfather.
- Go on, then.
- Oh, Kash, um, thank you.
Um, okay.
- Mmm.
- Mmm? You know what? It's not that good.
What? Really? But I love that you brought it for me.
Oh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
- Oh, um - Well - [LAUGHS.]
You, um you've got a bit of [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
Um, did I get it? Yeah, no.
C-come here.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SWEET MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[BOTH CLEAR THROAT.]
Hey, my friends are going to a club tonight.
Would you want to go? Oh, just, um, you and me without our chaperones? Yeah, like a real date.
- Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Um, uh, listen, this is this is obviously a really frustration situation.
I'm not proud of the dreams I've been having.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
But but we both agreed to doing it this way.
Yeah, no, no, I just I wasn't thinking.
Oh, but, um but you and Bash should go.
No, no, no, it's fine.
I'll go another time.
Honestly, it's fine.
Have fun.
[URDU ACCENT.]
Just don't do anything too Western.
Okay? It upsets me.
Right, let's see if your nani likes my cannolis.
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
She won't.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Well this is nice.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh, thank God.
[SIGHS.]
LIZZO: Mirror, mirror, on the wall Don't say it, 'cause I know I'm cute - Oh, there's Craig.
- MAYA: Oh, great.
Oh, shit.
There's Kash.
Ainsley's gonna flip the F out.
Maybe we should just go.
Well, tonight's about Craig, and we're already here.
Yeah, you're right.
It's about Craig.
Yeah.
LIZZO: I was born like this - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Maya.
- Hey, Duffy.
- Kash.
Listen, you look bomb tonight, you know what I'm saying? You're gonna clean up, you know? - Oh.
- I still date her.
Oh, yeah, right.
Of course you do, yeah.
- DUFFY: I do.
- Uh, I'm gonna get a drink.
- Does anybody need anything? - No need.
Bottle service, baby.
VIP, my friends.
None for me, of course.
I'm on this sparkling apple juice.
Ba-ba-ba-bam-bam-bam.
For y'all.
Yeah, do I are we gonna split this five ways, though? 'Cause I'm probably only gonna get one drink, so Don't sweat it, mate.
We're putting this on the corporate card.
- Cheers.
- ALL: Cheers.
Yeah, thank you.
Let me know if I should pitch in.
I'll go find an ATM if it's affiliated with my bank.
- There's no need.
- Should we dance? - Yeah.
- We should dance.
LIZZO: Look, baby, I'm the whole damn meal - Ooh, baby - So, no Ainsley? No.
LIZZO: The juice ain't worth the squeeze - DUFFY: Hey! - MAYA: Oh, hey, Gemma! What are you doing here? Well, I'm not just Ainsley's friend, you know.
I'm an essential part of this friendship group.
- Oh, yeah.
- DUFFY: Yeah.
He isn't, though.
What's he doing here? DUFFY: Craig invited him.
It's really annoying.
I swear, if he wasn't paying for all of the drinks, I would tell him to get lost.
We were just gonna dance.
Do you want to Oh, no, I'm fine.
- I'll just take a seat.
- DUFFY: No, no, no, no, no.
No, Gemma.
Come on.
LIZZO: I'm out here getting loose Gotta blame it on the Goose Gotta blame it on my juice - Ya-ya-ee - SINGER: Ya-ya-ee ALL: Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee LIZZO: Blame it on my juice, blame it, blame it That's not a cocktail.
This is a cocktail.
So then Fatima's nani realized she's on a bus to Karachi, not Lahore, and that's how she met her husband.
Nice, isn't it? You're a lucky guy, you know.
- Fatima's nani's a nut, brother.
- Sorry, who's Fatima? Uh, she's a friend of ours from the mosque.
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
SINGER: Our love It's something Baby, it is more than love Our love It's something Baby, it is more than love Our love It's something And I just can't get enough I need your love I need your love I need your love What you did on Love Chalet was one of the most romantic things I have ever seen.
I just looked at my boyfriend, and I was like, "You're shit.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Man, well, it's better to sort all that out on national telly.
I never would have turned down your proposal.
Well, if she hadn't, I wouldn't be here, would I? [ALL LAUGHING.]
Hi, there.
The name's Basheer, aka DJ Foreplay.
Are you ladies happy with your cell phone plans? Um, yeah, I think we're all right.
[CHUCKLES.]
SINGER: You can be cool Cool like me Mm-hmm, yeah You can be cool PATRON: Hello, hello.
We couldn't help noticing youse girls dancing all on your own.
We're not.
My boyfriend's getting us drinks.
PATRON 2: Oh, your boyfriend, eh? Well, then we'll keep you warm till he gets back.
- GEMMA: We're leaving now.
- MAYA: We're good, thank you.
PATRON: Hey, just once dance, then.
- MAYA: Hey! Hey! - I'm a nice guy, I promise.
DUFFY: Hey, what's going on? PATRON 2: Oh, the boyfriend returns.
Oh, good choice.
He's so cute.
- Hey, hey! - Don't touch him! Hey, that's assault in any court in the land, pal! Yeah? And what's the waitress gonna do about it? Well, first, I'll put down these drinks.
Oy, dickhead, they're not interested.
Take the hint and get out of here.
And take your tiny little knob with you as well.
Oh.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
We seem to have upset the terrorists.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
GUARD: Move, move, move! Hey, hey, hey! GEMMA: Are you all right? Yeah, the bouncer really did a number on my shoulder when he pushed me for no reason! - What's that, then? - Well, what did you say? MAYA: Here.
- Put this there.
- [GRUNTS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
- Well, help him in, man! - CRAIG: Oh.
- Craig.
- Okay, yeah.
Come on, take your time.
Take your time.
Watch your step.
Watch your step.
- BASHEER: Are you okay, Kashif? - KASH: Yeah, I'm good.
- BASHEER: Are you okay, Kashif? - KASH: I'm good, let's go.
DUFFY: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, wait, wait! I'm still here! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
Do you want to share a cab? Yeah, sure.
Hey, I could really use some company tonight.
CRAIG: [CHUCKLES.]
Well, um [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Um why don't you take this one and I'll, uh - I'm gonna take the next one.
- But why? Uh I got something I got to do.
Well, it all got a big dodgy there toward the end, but all in all, I needed that.
Thank you, Duffy.
What? Thank you for inviting me out.
I was alone at home missing Quentin and feeling, well, alone And this helped.
No problem.
I'm glad you came.
You do know you can do better than Maya, don't you? [UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
You know, if you hadn't gotten to that guy first, I would have kicked his racist ass.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Where'd you learn to fight prison? Worse.
High school.
I worked in an Oakland McDonald's.
Hey, two packets of ketchup per customer.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
I still think about when we first met.
BASHEER: Yo, I done finally found parking.
Bloody hell.
These hospital car parks are a bloody rip-off, eh? It's not right, bro.
My brother has just been through a racially motivated dust-up.
Should be some kind of discounted rate for that trauma.
Right, yeah.
In fact, who is in charge of the parking around here? Big man, is it you? Taking the piss, isn't it? [SIGHS.]
Don't you love these? So full of whimsy.
And you can spell anything.
I know, isn't the alphabet amazing? Mm.
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE.]
AINSLEY: Oh, what? I didn't cash your check, homey.
You want me to go find it in the trash? I can, because I can no longer pay my cleaning service to empty it.
No, I came to say thank you.
Oh.
And if you're if you're available, I'd like to hire you.
I don't have a town house, just a two-bedroom bachelor pad.
And I'm hard to work with.
Yes, yes, we'll do it.
No questions asked.
We desperately need the money.
Fine.
We can come over tonight to give you an estimate.
- It will be very high.
- Done.
But it can't be tonight.
I'm watching the Love Chalet finale.
TONY 2: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
TV HOST: Hello, and welcome to the Love Chalet finale.
GARRETT: Zara meeting you has been the best thing - that's ever happened to me.
- [ZARA CHUCKLES.]
GARRETT: And when that motorcycle crash ended my exotic-dancing career I just thought, like "What is the point?" You know? But now I know.
- The point is you.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Zara will you do me the honor of being my wife? [GASPS, LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
CRAIG: Damn it, Duffy.
Duffy? [GRUNTS.]
Hi, Craig.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC.]
[WOMEN VOCALIZING.]
SINGER: What makes up the man I choose to love? Time to understand This man I love What secrets does he keep from me? Too many times he's sorry Still I choose to love him I choose to love him Something in my heart Keeps sending me crying MAN: Go to bed.