Frasier s03e14 Episode Script

The Show Where Diane Comes Back

This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, KACL, 780.
Frasier, that was security.
Some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them.
Oh, don't panic, Roz — probably just one of my more ardent fans.
Niles, we've got to talk! It's urgent.
Frasier, I'm with a patient! - Is, uh, this about a woman? - Yes.
Take all the time you need.
- Well? - She's back the scourge of my existence.
Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town — dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall.
I'm talking about Diane Chambers.
Lucille, send Mr.
Carr home.
She just showed up at the station today.
Apparently some play she wrote is being produced here in town.
I admit, I just sort of panicked when I saw her, but I think I covered it masterfully.
All right, all right, all right.
Well, uh, why do you think you reacted that way? Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles.
That includes putting down the pad! In the drawer, Niles! Fine.
My first question to you is this: Are you still in love with her? No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion.
Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase, "classic denial," I'll move on.
So, about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions — is there any lingering resentment? Over what?! Well, she did leave at the altar.
When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid? Any phrase or feeling you wished you had expressed to her? I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt.
I sort of did.
"Sort of" is another one of those phrases that just wants to go in my pad.
I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.
Frasier, she rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected.
You've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt.
Well, I can't just tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her.
I'd feel weak! You have no reason to feel weak.
You've moved on in your life too.
You have a new career, new wealth, new success.
You simply need closure in this one area.
- You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.
- You're going to get closure.
No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that.
I'm going to invite Diane over for dinner tonight, and I'm really gonna flaunt my success, really rub her nose in it! That'll prove I'm not just some cast-aside that never got over her.
Niles, I know it's not psychologically sound.
But we're still human.
We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we? I'd just like to be on the record as saying I'm against it.
- Fine.
- You know the path that leads to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it.
- Yes.
- I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
- Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you? - I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.
No, no, no.
Daphne, I was very specific about this.
The mayor's plaque goes on the piano The Otis Klandenning "Man of the Year Award" goes right over here And my jewel — my SeaBea — goes right here where she can't miss it! Hmm, that seems a bit subtle.
- Why don't I just use this to serve the olives? - Give me that! I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.
She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her,.
and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there is a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart! You remember my brother Niles, my father Martin, and this is his health-care worker, Daphne Moon.
- What a tasteful abode.
- Well, it's modest in its way.
No, that's what I like about it.
After the rambling beach house I've been living in, I'm ready for something smart and efficient.
White wine, Diane? I'm pouring an '85 Montrachet La Guiche I purchased at auction.
Oh, I always keep a bottle of that open myself.
Hang this up! Well, Martin, it's been too long.
How have you been? Well, my wife died, I got shot in the hip, and I had to move in with Frasier 'cause I kept falling down in the shower.
Well, you look wonderful! Yes, you do! That's the bad one.
Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman — she was the queerest little creature.
She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen! Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it.
You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you? No, can't say as we did.
- Care for an olive? - Oh, thank you.
These are a Pyreenean taste treat! They're handpicked and bottled by Andalusian monks! You can spit the pits in here.
So, there I was, on the balcony of my Malibu beachhouse, when a pod of whales passed by.
I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash, I was on the beach, scrambling to my kayak.
But cruel fortune interceded, when, not twenty yards offshore, I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of-of, um— - Sea kelp? - Exactly right, sea kelp! Oh, that's funny — I thought he said "seek help.
" So, you haven't told us how you've come to be in Seattle.
Oh, a small theater group has decided to produce a play I've written.
- Which one? - Oh, my most recent work.
It's a sort of feminist odyssey, experimental in places, in tone akin to Saroyan, with a soupçon of Gide, and a hearty nod to Clifford Odets! I meant which theater? - Oh! The Roundabout.
- That seems appropriate.
You know, why don't you people just keep talking amongst yourselves? I will go and fetch the profiteroles.
They were prepared by the hottest new pastry chef in oh, what's the use? I'll help.
He always overpowders.
Yeah, I'm sure Old Man Kennedy felt this kind of pride when his boys would go out and play touch football.
Now, Frasier, you know her better than I.
Is that what she looks like when she's writhing in envy? Oh, shut up.
All right, I admit you were right.
Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her how much pain she made me feel.
The savage truth this time — there will be no sugarcoating it! And yes, I am aware of the irony! Oh, it must be wonderful to see your words come to life like that.
Oh yes.
It's a dream come true.
- Diane, are you OK? - Yes, I'm fine.
Why? - Well, your cheek was kind of twitching.
- It was? - Oh well, it was probably fatigue.
Where were we? - Oh, I was asking about your play.
- Oh, right! - There it goes again, the twitch! That was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.
You know, I'm not sure how much I really want to talk about my play right now.
Bad luck and all that! Yes, and we all know what a struggle it is to get Diane to talk about herself.
Oh Frasier, you always could kid! How I miss that! Look, Diane, please, I-I really didn't mean anything by it.
I'm sorry— It's not that! It's my whole life, it's ruined! - Niles, could you please get her some water? - Of course, of course.
Oh, everything I told you tonight is a lie.
I'm sorry for this.
- Oh, I must look just awful.
- Your cheek stopped jumping.
All right, now.
Tell me what happened.
Was it about your play? There it goes again! Look, would you people please just give us some privacy?! All right now.
From the beginning.
Well, it all started a few months ago when I lost my job.
I'd been writing for "Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.
" I was on the set one day, and I was trying to show Jane Seymour the proper way to cauterize a wound with a branding iron, and I accidentally set her hair on fire.
Well, from there it was a steady slide downhill.
A two-year relationship ended.
I lost the beach house, friends stopped calling — the one bright spot was my play in Seattle.
Well, I flew up here yesterday only to find that the backer was pulling out.
I was so distraught I found myself wandering around the city in complete despair.
It's then that like a ray of hope from heaven, I saw your smiling face on the side of a bus.
And that's why I'm here today.
You helped me the only other time I was this low.
Frasier, I'm asking for your help again.
Of course I'll help you, Diane.
- Well, that was a bit scary.
- I'll say — watching someone go completely crackers like that.
- What's the matter with you now? - Nothing, I'm fine.
Just suddenly missing my Maris.
INTERPLAY My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here.
Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Maglies be damned! Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too.
How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis.
Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you very much.
Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying.
Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in well, far too many years.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer! It's tax deductible! Thank you.
Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again.
"Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top of the world, and babbling about her smile" — I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible.
No, I don't know how long it's going to take.
Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you.
FOREPLAY It really is a lovely city.
"Night — making all things dimly beautiful" "One veil over us both.
" Cyrano? Yes.
Eleven years later, we're still on the same page.
Frasier, these past few weeks, you've given so much of yourself to me.
I want to give the one gift I have to bestow.
I want you to be the first person to see my play.
Will you come to dress rehearsal tonight? - Diane, I'd be honored.
- Oh, wonderful, wonderful! - Give me a second.
- Are you sure you're ready for this? Oh yes, it's time.
Tonight, I bare myself to you.
- Big step, Diane.
- Oh well, I have to say I'm a little nervous about it.
But, barring any lighting or prop problems, the whole thing will be over in a couple of hours.
Hello! People still in the house here! Meet me at the theater at seven I don't know what I've done to deserve you.
Listen, it's none of my business, but you're not falling for her again, are you? - What if I were? - That woman dumped you at the altar.
Oh, that was the old Diane.
She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe.
And I'm not the old Frasier anymore either.
People can change, Dad.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Take me for instance.
The old Martin would have said, "you're out of your mind.
I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her.
I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse.
" But the new Martin just says, "Vivee a l'amour.
" The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.
Well, the stage is set, my players are prepared.
So, without further ado, I give you "Rhapsody and Requiem," a play by Diane Chambers.
Boy, it sure is great having Mary Anne back.
Just wasn't the same when she was gone.
Yeah, well, you know, uh, recent studies at John Hopkins University revealed that the expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder," is in actuality rooted in scientific bedrock.
Yeah, so's your head.
- Ease up there, Darla.
- Evenin', everybody.
Hey there, Ned.
What would you say to a beer? What's a nice beer like you doing in a face like this? - Salutations, all.
- Hey there, Doc.
What can I get you? Ooh, a prickly choice, Stan.
It reminds me of the one the 18th-century wit John Wilkes faced when asked by the Earl of Sandwich whether he expected to die on the gallows or of the pox.
"That depends, sir," he said, "on whether I choose to embrace your principles or your mistress.
" Evening, people.
I pour beer down people's throats.
I drink it.
Our lives are empty.
So what draws our feet here night after night? Well, I'm off.
- See you anon, mi amore.
- You bet, honey.
Hold it, stop! What kind of a kiss was that? You two are supposed to be in love! - Well, I didn't know how big you wanted it.
- Remember that kiss you gave me this morning? Like this one? That's the one.
OK, from the kiss! You bet, honey.
Forgive me, Franklin.
I suppose that was a tad inconsiderate.
Quite all right.
A loving spirit like yours can't be bridled.
- But I did leave you at the altar.
- No, you know I hold no ill-will toward you for that.
Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting-left-at-the-altar thing, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.
I may be able to illuminate that for you! What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hell-hounds for a chew toy! And it's not the last time either! Because that's what this woman is! She is the Devil! There's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers! So drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub! And her name is Mary Anne! AFTERPLAY - I thought we should talk.
- Well, yes, I think we should.
- I tried to reach you at your home.
- I was driving around.
I'm sorry if I in any way misled you about my feelings these last few weeks.
You didn't.
I think I misled myself.
Well, at the very least I obviously owe you an apology for the first time that things went awry between us.
- Oh, it's all right.
- No, it was a time in my life when No, Diane, it isn't necessary.
The things I said well, they just needed saying.
Besides, I don't really feel all that harshly.
and in retrospect, I'm reasonably sure that yu are not the Devil although he does have the power to assume pleasing shapes.
Well, you should know I've decided to go back to Los Angeles.
Watching the play tonight through fresh eyes, I well, I just don't think it's ready.
I'm sure things'll work out fine.
Well, I think I've said what I came to say.
Frasier, um, before you go, there's one last thing you could help me with, not that you haven't helped me a lot already.
It's the last scene, where Franklin and Mary Anne say goodbye.
It's never felt quite right to me.
I'd like her to stand oh, right about here and tell him how much he's meant to her and how she'll never forget him.
How do you suppose "Franklin" would respond to that? Well, I suppose he'd tell her that he feels the same way.
That she's touched him in a way she can never imagine and he's glad she was in his life.
All that would be left would be the "goodbye.
" How do you see that? Well, I suppose he could say, uh, "until we meet again," probably certain that they never would.
But mightn't there be a part of him that hopes they would? Oh, I suppose so, yes.
All right, then, don't have him sum things up.
Just let them say their goodbyes, and if their paths happen to cross again, so be it - Goodbye, Mary Anne.
- Goodbye, Franklin.
Oh yes, that's a perfect moment! Uncluttered by any extra words or phrases Oh shoot, I've blown it! All right, let's try it again.
Goodbye, Diane.
Goodbye, Frasier.
Force of habit.
I've been doing it all week.