Frasier s09e20 Episode Script

Well, gosh, what'd I just find in my pocket? Is that tri-tip with peanut butter? It is.
DAPHNE: Mm.
No luck? He's definitely coming down with something.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'm gonna have to eat these myself.
Good idea.
Reverse psychology.
What do you mean? Well, Joe has found the source of the leak in my ceiling.
It is Cam Winston's brand-new washing machine.
By Godfrey, this time he's gone too far.
As if his noise and noxious presence at the condo meetings weren't bad enough.
Have you ever heard of anything more fury inspiring? I certainly have not.
Imagine the cheek of the man installing an illegal washer-dryer.
Oh, they're not illegal.
A lot of the units have them.
You guys have a hook-up in the hall closet where you keep all those hats.
First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hook-up.
Second of all, I believe the Homburg is poised for a comeback.
And third, we have a more immediate problem in the form of the evil waters of Cam Winston.
Yeah, about that.
Maybe you could ask Mr.
Winston to not use the machine until we get that leak patched.
Wrong! We've got to teach Cam a lesson and shut his water off right now.
That's, uh, not our standard operating procedure.
Well, I could compensate you for your pains.
I gotta go all the way down to the basement.
Perhaps this will help persuade you.
Might get me as far as 6.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hello, all.
It's called a Segway.
My friend Raul at the university is doing an experiment on the psychological effects of technology, - and he asked me to ride it around.
- Well, how do you like it? Walking is but a distant memory.
Better yet, I can redirect the unused energy to other pursuits such as playing squash or lovemaking.
Oh, Niles.
I'm sorry, I'd love to stay and gawk, but I'm at war.
Come, Joe.
- What was that about? - Oh, Cam Winston.
Hey, can I have a ride on that thing? Nothing would please me more.
But no.
One of the conditions of the experiment is that I can't share the Segway with anyone.
Not even you, Daphne.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you agreed to that.
Well, it was damned difficult, let me tell you.
But I'll make a note of your disappointment in my daily write-up.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, I know we can't ride it, but there's a poor sick little dog here Dad, again, saying no is one of the prices we are all paying for science.
Now, who wants a Fudgsicle? Good afternoon.
- Hello, Mr.
Winston.
- Hey, Cam, come on in.
Is Frasier at home? Someone has shut off my water, and I suspect his hand is at the spigot.
Oh, jeez, that doesn't sound like Fras.
Then you don't know what he's capable of.
What's the matter with your dog? He looks a little glassy-eyed.
He's got a bug.
I gotta take him to the vet.
Oh, well, my mother's a vet, and she happens to be staying with me.
I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking a look, even if it is Frasier's dog.
Oh, no, he's mine.
Frasier can't stand him.
Yeah, when he's healthy, he jumps on Dr.
Crane's bed, drools on his pillow, chews on his slippers.
Really? We gotta get this little rascal back up on his feet.
[LAUGHING.]
I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.
8 tons of laundry approximately 106.
4 miles back and forth to the basement.
That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada.
Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer.
DAPHNE: Oh, there's an idea.
I was gonna suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room.
Oh, hello, Dr.
Winston.
Hello, Daphne, Martin.
MARTIN: Hi.
- I just came by to check on my patient.
Oh, he's much better.
I'm off to do the laundry.
You don't have your own here? No, we have a hat museum.
- How's our boy? - Oh, he's doing great.
Those antibiotics worked wonders.
- How about a cup of coffee? - Thanks.
Cream, no sugar.
MARTIN: Okay.
- He looks good.
Well, Eddie's tough.
Plus, the smartest dog ever.
I always thought Border collies were the smartest dogs.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, it's obvious you haven't had much exposure to dogs.
Uh, what were you, a zoo doctor? No, I just treat pets and their owners' egos.
Ho, ho, yeah, tell me.
Cat people.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, it's really handy having a vet right here in the building.
It's only temporary.
They're doing some remodelling on my house.
It was only supposed to take a few weeks.
Then Cam found out.
Suddenly I'm getting new bay windows and a kitchen based on something he saw in English Home magazine.
- You have no idea.
- No, unfortunately, I do.
Hello, Dad.
Oh, Dr.
Winston.
Hello, Frasier.
Martin, I've got to be going.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks for stopping by to see Eddie.
Oh, it was no problem.
Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot.
This is for you from Cam.
Oh, well, thank you, Dr.
Winston.
Nice seeing you again.
Bye.
What was that about? Oh, she just came to see Eddie.
Kind of a medical/social visit.
Social? Dear God, don't tell me that you and that scoundrel's mother Hey, Frasier, take it easy.
We just had a cup of coffee.
[FRASIER SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yes, all the pieces suddenly fit.
- What is it? - It's a bill from Cam.
Turning off his water has ruined the clothes that were in his washing machine.
Those clothes were already ruined just by being on Cam Winston.
Well, then don't pay it.
Have another fight.
The battle is joined.
I will not let that That Mata Hari drag you into this.
From this day forward, no more Winstons in, this, my house.
- Hey, Marty.
- Oh, hi, Cora.
Oh, be careful.
Frasier catches you petting Eddie, it'll be the pound for him.
Cam actually forbade me from coming to your apartment.
And they're so alike, you'd think they'd get along.
[MARTIN LAUGHS.]
Hi, Cam.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Crane.
Come along, Mother.
I've already checked the mail.
I'll be up in a minute.
Don't worry.
Very well.
Carry on.
I can't believe that's my son.
What has gotten into him? Oh, why would they want to drag us into their feud? I think it's because if we're friends, then they have to at least try to be nice.
Ha, ha.
Hey, you know what? We should get married.
- Really make them suffer.
- Oh, my.
It'd be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.
[LAUGHING.]
- Dad? MARTIN: Oh.
Dr.
Winston.
I see you've checked the mail already.
Oh, yeah, here you go.
CORA: Good morning.
- Morning.
Is he still asleep? I just heard his alarm, so we have to hurry.
Okay.
I can't believe we're doing this.
It's so mean.
I know.
Isn't it great? - Good morning, sweetheart.
- Oh, hello, Cam.
Hello.
Oh, flip you for the sports page.
Oh, I don't have a quarter.
I'll just get my pants.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Can I fix you some breakfast, baby? Uh, just toast and coffee.
I was talking to Cam.
[LAUGHING.]
Whoops.
You know, actually, I'm not that hungry.
I'll get something on the way to work.
Psst.
- That was perfect.
- Yeah.
You don't think we went too far, do you? Not yet.
FRASIER: Daphne! Daphne! Daphne! Da Dr.
Winston.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Yes.
Good morning.
How did this? - How did you sleep? MARTIN: Oh.
Like a couple of logs.
More like two baby kittens curled up in a tight, fuzzy ball.
[LAUGHING.]
God, you're cute.
Isn't she, Frasier? - Oh, dear, I should probably go.
- Oh - Bye, sweetie.
- Bye, sweetheart.
Bye, Frasier.
Goodbye.
Nice to see you.
What the hell's going on? What does it look like? Dad, are you crazy? She's a Winston.
She's probably just leading you on so she can break your heart.
That's exactly the kind of thing Cam would do to hurt me.
Boy, you know, I finally find a woman I like and who seems to like me, and all you can think about is your stupid feud.
I'm just a little surprised.
I didn't realise things were going so fast.
Well, then it's a good thing you found out, because things could get more serious.
A lot more serious.
What does that mean? Well, let's just say I wouldn't mind having a stepson.
Dad, now you're just provoking me, aren't you? Dad? Dad? Are you? Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
There you are.
What is the meaning of this? Where is his mate? I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
My favourite pair of socks reduced to a single argyle.
Nor is this the only example.
The keen observer yesterday would have noticed that I left the apartment wearing two shades of black.
Explanation, please.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Crane.
I'm forced to do the laundry downstairs, and I guess your socks are just too tempting to the neighbours.
Of course, you're welcome to go down there yourself and stand guard.
I see.
And if we had our own washer-dryer, there would be no more lost socks.
I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry.
Suit yourself.
I'm off to do a load of your pinks.
- I don't have any pinks.
- You will.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING.]
ROZ: Are you okay? FRASIER: I'm fine.
You seem like you've been in a lousy mood lately.
It's just that they put soymilk in my latte.
I don't like soymilk.
If it doesn't come from a teat or an udder, it isn't milk.
Oh, terrific.
Here comes Niles on his fabulous showing-up-Frasier contraption.
All he wants is attention, so don't give him any.
[GASPS.]
Greetings, foot people.
How are things back in the twentieth century? - Wow, that looks like fun.
- Fun? I suppose it is.
I never really thought about it.
You see, the Segway is more of a productivity tool.
- Yeah, do you think I could? - No, go away.
Not the only tool.
Uh Oh, I haven't ordered yet.
It's on the house.
We love the machine.
NILES: That is so nice.
You know, I think I've seen just about enough.
Free food and drink just because you've shown them something new.
I tell you what, let's all paint our bottoms and run to the sandwich shop.
My, my.
Feelings of inadequacy.
Typical reaction from the unwheeled.
I'll make a note of your grumpiness.
If I'm grumpy, it's because of Cam Winston.
Do you realise that Dad and Cam's mother are dating? Yes, I do, and I think it's great.
Honestly, Frasier, you have to loosen up.
Openness to new ideas is the hallmark of our new century.
- Don't you hope he gets hit by a car? - Mm.
Excuse me.
Can I please get another cup of coffee? No soymilk this time.
So that's what's bugging you.
- Your dad has a new girlfriend.
- Hmm? No, I'm just afraid he's gonna get hurt.
No, you're afraid you have to be nice to Cam.
I am nice.
Cam's insufferable.
Okay, fine.
Whatever.
Here's what I'd do.
Be the first one to make peace.
Then you'll be the bigger man to your dad and to his girlfriend, and it'll drive Cam nuts.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
That's good, Roz.
Seize the high ground.
You know, I'll offer Cam an apology and he'll be trumped.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING.]
Hello.
Cam.
I was just about to call you.
A truce, you say? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
You're break Up.
I'm afraid my ba Is low on pow Son of a bitch is trying to steal my high ground.
Hello, Crane.
Glad you could make it, I guess.
Spare me your honey-glazed pleasantries, Cam.
I am here to roll up my sleeves and end our feud.
As am I.
That's why I called you.
Just for the record, it was my idea to apologise first.
Well, that seems appropriate, since you're the one who shut off the water and ruined my clothes.
That, sir, is a fraction of the story.
Since you moved into this building, you have encroached upon my parking space, you have undermined my position with the condo board, and you killed a magnificent Virginia creeper.
Which you gleefully encouraged to climb the balcony and choke my dangling ivy.
I thought it was marijuana.
Dangling ivy looks nothing like marijuana.
Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know.
This is getting us nowhere, Crane.
Agreed.
Agreed.
I guess we'll never really see eye to eye, but I am resolved to put aside our differences for the sake of our parents.
For the sake of our parents.
Where are they anyway? Downstairs watching Court TV.
Ah.
It's all about romance with you Cranes, isn't it? Now, you see, there you go again.
I lower my guard, you slap me in the face.
All right, I apologise.
And as a token of my sincerity, I pledge to pay for whatever damage my washer-dryer may have caused.
Well done.
And in the same spirit of hatchet burying, I agree to pay for your ruined clothes.
Cheers.
Yeah.
Since things seem to be off on such a good foot, perhaps now is the time to discuss the mailbox situation.
You wanna switch, don't you? As a tall man, I dislike having to stoop for my mail.
Indeed.
Well, I would prefer to set aside that explosive issue until we're sure the truce will hold.
I see.
Fair enough.
Unless you're willing to agree on some sort of noise-abatement framework.
You see, you have a unique sliding gait, Cam.
When you wear your heeled boots, the resultant: Shh, clop, shh, clop, shh clop, well, it just sounds like a dancing pony in my apartment.
Perhaps we should get some paper so we can write all this down.
Fine.
I will arrange an introduction to my sweater weaver.
Good.
Thank you.
But then I must insist on the formula to your bath blend.
I think we were closer on an earlier draft.
Concur.
- Hey, Niles.
- Mm-hm.
That Truffaut film you like is playing down at the LaSalle.
Oh, sounds tempting.
Oh, but the people behind me wouldn't be able to see.
I guess we'll stay in then.
I'm going to go take a bath.
It's too bad you have to stay on that.
I could use a third and a fourth hand.
NILES: Oh Uh Uh Wait, wait, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, there we go.
Coming.
You wait there.
I'll light the candles.
So long, sucker.
Ha! NILES: Daphne, what are you doing? - Whoo! Hold the door.
Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Ho! Whoo! MARTIN: Hey, boys.
- Have you two been fighting? FRASIER: On the contrary.
Cam and I are here to announce the cessation of all hostilities between us.
We are officially friends.
- As defined by the treaty.
- Ah.
Well, that means a lot to us.
Oh, I think it's safe to say that we've entered a whole new era of cooper Did you get that at Mueller's Antiques? Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
It represents a great triumph for me.
I snatched it from under the nose of a collector who had actually put a You were saying it's a new era of cooperation.
How wonderful.
You should celebrate.
The two of you should go to the symphony tonight.
Uh, but I thought you and I were going.
I'm going to stay here with Martin.
- Well, I suppose.
- Well, then you'd better hurry.
Cam likes to preorder his intermission cocktail.
Oh.
You mean you don't have a standing order? Well, we'd better hurry then.
We'll take my car.
I've seen you drive.
We'll take mine.
What, your Humvee? I think not.
Not in front of the parents, Crane.
DAPHNE: Whoo-hoo! NILES: Daphne, Daphne, Daphne.
I can't believe they're gonna spend the whole evening together.
Oh, I know.
If they get through it alive, we should probably tell them the truth.
Yeah.
Too bad.
It was fun being your boyfriend for a few days.
- It was.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Still, all good things must come to an end.
But who knows when?