Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s02e17 Episode Script
Doing It Right
1 You sure they're gonna show? Hey, my hook-up always shows.
Have I ever let you down? Did you bring any hard candy, like I asked? No.
There you go.
[Car door closes.]
'Sup, Hector? This him? Think you can handle our product? I got more handles than a yogurt shop.
Ghost peppers Hottest in the world.
[Chuckles.]
My ticket to winning the North Orlando Chili Cook-off.
Oh, it's gonna cost you.
Well, then, it's a good thing I own a semi-successful restaurant.
- How much? - $1.
75.
Each.
These guys are good.
S02E17 Doing It Right Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Jessica: [Sighs.]
The orderly flow of traffic.
This is called "zippering.
" One car from one lane and one car from another lane merge to form one single lane of efficiency.
It's amazing what society can learn from a pair of pants.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, lady in the ugly vest? I'm sorry.
Can I help you? Oh, no.
I'm trying to help you.
There's a better way to do your job.
Is there? You should wear gloves so that we can see your hands when you gesture.
Much safer.
Think about it.
Have you ever seen a dead mime in the street? [School bell ringing.]
What is that? Well, it's the sun.
Not our sun.
Well, I heard the moon is made out of cheese.
You balance me out, J.
J.
That's why we're best friends.
Hi, Mrs.
Huang.
It's five days till my birthday! Okay, thank you, J.
J.
Tomorrow, it'll be four days.
Go to your own car now, J.
J.
Bye.
Evan: I can't wait for J.
J.
's birthday party.
There's talk of a Grover ice-cream cake! Oh, and look what I got on my science test.
Oh.
An A-plus.
There it is! [Laughs.]
Nice work, my angel! Louis, you old sneak! Signing up for the North Orlando Chili Cook-Off without telling me, you son of a gun! Marvin, I didn't know you were a chili man.
You see this bad boy? It's for cooking the wild boar that's in my famous Navy Razorback Chili.
- Sounds pretty good.
- Pretty good? My wild pig brew has won the last five Golden Stockpots.
You know, I'm not stranger to the ladle.
I, uh, won a few chili contests myself back in D.
C.
- Oh, is that right? - Mm-hmm.
Well, down here in Orlando, we have a name for Yankee chili.
It's called "soup.
" [Both laugh.]
You know what I think when I eat Southern chili? What? I think, "This could use a little Northern chili.
" So, I point to the old man's shopping cart, and I say, "You're supposed to get frozen foods last, not first.
If that meat defrosts, you could get salmonella and die.
" You do have an eye for other people's mistakes.
Thank you.
[Door closes.]
Anyone see my apron?! Don't mind him.
Louis just gets obsessed with these chili competitions.
You don't have to tell me.
Chili season's got my man, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
I have to go help him clean out our garage fridge to store a pig.
He insists on the head facing out.
He says it honors the hog.
Oh.
I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay.
- Bye.
After dinner, can we watch "Caroline in the City"? - What? - No way.
Louis: Eddie, you won't be watching any TV this week.
You'll be helping me win the North Orlando Chili Cook-Off as my apprentice.
Really?! You never let me help.
You said I have to be five pots tall.
You are now, son.
I'm so excited for you.
[Chuckles.]
You're giving me your apron? Yes, to hand-wash for me, and then you'll give it back to me.
Can we drink something else besides water at dinner? No.
Water hydrates you.
And if you spill it, it cleans, not stains.
Very well.
One final question.
Dad, can I have your old briefcase? Why? I'd like to start carrying it to school to keep my papers crisp.
But you already have a backpack.
I didn't have a briefcase until I was 30.
[School bell rings.]
If you hate this so much, why do you insist on coming along? [Sighs.]
And now it is my turn.
Hey, it was my turn! She didn't zipper! [Horn blares.]
Hey! Hey, you didn't zipper! Hey.
She didn't zipper! It's out of my un-gloved hands.
Watch the car.
Life never tells us Hey! The whens or whys Hey! I know you see me! When you've got friends You cut me off when it was my turn to zipper! That's not how we drive around here! To wish you well There's no zippering rule.
It's more of a suggestion.
Calm down.
You will exhale "Calm down"? You calm down! You know what? Get out of the car.
Shoo-be, doop, shoop, shoop Help, help, I'm being attacked! You're not being attacked.
She's not being attacked.
Nobody help this idiot.
You are a crazy lady.
I can't believe somebody gave you a driver's license because you're an unfit driver and an idiot.
Evan: Mommy? J.
J.
: Oh, hi, mom.
Hi, J.
J.
- Oh.
Hi, Mrs.
Huang.
- Hi, J.
J.
You don't have to drive all the way up to school.
You can just drop us off here.
- Jessica: Here? Why? - It's just calmer here.
Is this about yesterday? Listen, sometimes when one adult is right, they have to tell the other adult that they're wrong.
But that was my best friend's mom.
Well, she drives like your worst friend's mom.
[Chuckles.]
The traffic disputes of adults have no impact on the friendships of children.
[School bell rings.]
Of course.
Bye, mom.
- Emery: Bye, mom.
- Bye.
Hey, Evan.
Hi, J.
J.
You have a raisin on your neck.
Oh.
- It's from breakfast.
- Ha! Good.
Now I have your fingerprints in case I need to send them to the state.
Evan's not invited to J.
J.
's birthday party this weekend.
Son, welcome to the flavor dome.
Cool.
When do we eat.
When the chili tells us it's ready.
This is the start of a family legacy, like when an Italian grandmother passes down a meatball recipe.
It's like, um, [Italian accent.]
"Mama Louis!" [Normal voice.]
Now, let's start by chopping up these onions.
Whoa.
You're gonna let me use this knife? Of course.
You're my apprentice.
Any last words? Uh, maybe we work on some knife skills first, okay? All right.
[Both blowing.]
- Not bad.
- Not bad at all.
[Screams.]
What are you doing? We spent forever on that! Eddie, what were your first words after you tried the chili? I said, "Not bad.
" Exactly.
"Not bad" isn't good enough.
And "good" isn't good enough, either.
Marvin is out there cooking a wild boar right now A pig from the forest.
We need to reach higher if we want that Golden Stockpot.
Okay, dad, if we're making this again, I think we should toast some cumin in some bacon fat before we put the meat in.
Let me stop you right there.
You know why your mom's not allowed in the dome? Because she futzes.
She adds things.
"Oh, how about a little more oregano? Let's add a sprig of rosemary.
" No! This isn't a bowl of jazz! Who does that woman think she is, deciding who can and can't attend her son's birthday party? She's not God.
That's nice.
Stop thinking about your chili! How am I supposed to tell Evan he's not invited to J.
J.
's birthday party? Just apologize to her.
Why would I apologize? She didn't zipper! She's the one who's wrong! Well, what would be wrong is if Evan didn't go to the party because of something you did.
Honey: [Screams.]
Damn it, Marvin! Get this beast out of the garage fridge! Marvin: We need to honor the hog! [Sighs.]
Let's start over.
I'm Jessica, Evan's mother.
I'm Helen.
Helen.
That's a pretty name.
It's like melon, a sweet fruit.
I'm here because I would like to acknowledge a mutual wrongdoing.
Okay You didn't respect the zipper, and I lost my temper, even though I was provoked by your error.
I think I'm being pretty clear.
You're not.
[Sighs.]
It is for Evan, my angel.
I am sorry.
Thank you very much for saying that.
I-I accept your apology.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I am so glad we put this behind us.
Evan is so excited for J.
J.
's birthday party.
Oh, Evan still isn't invited.
Bye, now.
Eddie! Why didn't you tell me? - Tell you what? - About your dad competing in NO-CO! The North Orlando Chili Cook-Off.
Yeah, he's been making me help him out.
Hold on.
He's letting you chili apprentice? All we do is cook chili and not eat any of it.
He keeps on saying it needs to be better, but he doesn't take any of my ideas.
You believe this guy? Two days in a chili kitchen, thinks he knows everything.
Why would your dad listen to you? You're not a chef.
Yeah, but I know food.
Blindfold me in a Baskin-Robbins, and I'll name all 31 flavors.
You're the apprentice.
You're supposed to shut up, listen, and learn.
But I'm not good at any of those things.
Forget this.
I'm done cooking with my dad.
[Scoffs.]
You need to take that attitude to a pie-eating contest where it belongs! Mom, which outfit should I wear to J.
J.
's? I want something I can knock around in, but my knees have been ashy lately, so shorts are out.
[Sighs.]
Evan, sit down.
There's something I have to tell you.
What is it? I I have to get gas on the way to J.
J.
's.
Oh, then we need to leave 10 minutes earlier.
I better hustle into the shower.
The Mobil on 5th is 10 cents cheaper.
[Screams.]
Emery, we have to get you a cat bell.
Announce yourself when I come into the room.
Good God! - Ohh! - Hmm.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Hello, Helen.
Evan is here? You guys, I'm here! What are you doing? You can't just crash my son's birthday party.
Evan doesn't deserve to miss out because you have a problem with me.
We shouldn't make this about us.
No, we shouldn't, because it's not about us.
It's about Evan.
What are you talking about.
[Scoffs.]
That's why I didn't want him here.
See for yourself.
Evan: No, no, no, no, no.
You're doing it wrong.
What are pirate Lego men doing at a construction site? Tear this down and start again.
Okay! My son is a gentle spirit, and I don't like the way your son treats him.
That's why I didn't want him here.
My job is to protect J.
J.
from your little bossy boots.
Evan's not bossy boots! He's angel boots! [Scoffs.]
What on earth is that? It's the Don't say it's the sun.
Evan was really bossing his friend around? Sweet little Evan in his cute, little khakis? The ones with the pleats, yes.
I just don't know where he learns this type of behavior.
You're kidding, right? He gets it from you, Jessica.
What?! No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
- I think he just looks up to you.
- You're not doing it right.
- Sorry? - Your sandwich The mustard needs to go on the bread first to form a moisture barrier between it and the tomato.
Tear it down.
Start again.
Oh, my God.
You've never made a proper sandwich.
Or you're bossy.
You just love pointing out people's mistakes.
I thought that was a compliment.
Gus: Good afternoon, Orlando.
This is "Good Morning, Orlando.
" And let me tell you, Mey-Mey, we are having an awful lot of fun here at NO-CO.
[Chuckles.]
Not really, Gus, but what can you do? You got to go where they send you.
[Chuckles.]
Now let's meet the judges who will be awarding the coveted Golden Stockpot to the winner.
Hi.
Hello! [Both laugh.]
It's us.
That's right.
Not only are we reporting on the chili, but we're also judging it.
Ohh, things are about to get caliente! I see you brought your Golden Stockpots.
Ah, I only brought them to hold down my banner.
[Chuckles.]
Are you posing for a picture, Marvin? Oh, just in case someone wants to take one.
- Here you go.
- Ha.
Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Official list of all your competitors.
Good luck.
Wow, there's a lot of entries on here.
Big Daddy Huang? That's not right.
I'm Louis' Five Alarm.
Eddie: That's me.
I'm Big Daddy Huang.
- What? - Sorry, dad.
I'm done being your apprentice.
We've been cooking for three days.
Exactly.
And you didn't take a single one of my ideas.
I'm not about that.
I got to break these chains.
Fine, you want to make your own chili? Like the French candle says in "Beauty and the Beast," "Be My Guest.
" Everybody over here Get on up Everybody right there Get into it Everybody over there Get involved Everybody just, ohh Man: [Rapping.]
Microphone check, Microphone check Can I get a check-up from the neck up? Can I kick a rhyme while I'm checkin' my time? Can I get cure 'cause you did the crime for sure? You're probably killin' me with these shots Tell me what I got and I'm gone Pandemic, who did it? Right, who did it? That's who did it Who? World Health Organized, murderized Came to the aid and got paid Doctor, doctor in a lab concocted a germ warfare Emery, go get us some Tums from the Tums tent.
On it.
[Sighs.]
Let's sit down for a minute, okay? I saw you at J.
J.
's party.
I saw you, too.
You brought me there.
No, I mean I saw the way you were talking to him, bossing him around like that, forcing him to start over, making him change his outfit.
Oh.
And I know why.
You're trying to be like me because you worship me.
No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- I don't.
You do.
You worship your mommy.
I am your shining star, and you want to be just like me.
Why else would you boss your friend around like that? I don't know.
I guess because he listens to me.
What do you mean? No one at home ever listens to me.
Of course we do.
We listen to you.
No, you don't.
After dinner, can we watch "Caroline in the City"? - What? - No way.
Dad, can I have your old briefcase? But you already have a backpack.
I didn't have a briefcase until I was 30.
Huh? [Speaking Chinese.]
The Garfield.
Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? Because you wouldn't have listened.
I guess sometimes it's hard being the youngest.
Hey.
I know how you feel.
Your Aunt Connie never listened to me.
That's why her life is such a mess now.
[Chuckles.]
I bought all the regular-strength Tums.
Exchange them for Extra Strength? Yes.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Where are all your measuring cups? Up here.
Want a taste? What's wrong? Eddie, that's delicious.
There's no way you made this from scratch.
[Bell clanging.]
- Gus: Gather around.
- Where's the intern? I need another towel.
Ashley! All right, everyone, before we announce our finalists, we have some unfortunate news.
An entrant has been disqualified for using pre-cooked meat.
I knew it.
[Crowd murmurs.]
That's right, Gus.
It's Marvin! [Crowd murmurs.]
Apparently, Marvin not only told us, but fed us a Whopper.
[Crowd booing.]
I did it for the chili.
Take him away.
[Spits.]
I can walk.
You all ate it and loved it! None of us are innocent.
And now let's move on to the three finalists.
First we have Louis' Five Alarm! Yeah, Louis! [Laughs.]
Delicious.
[Cheers and applause.]
Next we have Big Daddy Huang! Whoo! [Cheers and applause.]
And lastly, Gloria's Chili! Whoo! Gloria! Gloria! And the Golden Stockpot goes to Looks great, doesn't it? I can't believe Gloria just gave it to us.
Well, lucky for us, she thinks pride is a sin.
Hmm.
You know, I have to say I was really impressed with your chili.
- Really?! - How'd you learn to do that? I guess I just know food.
Thanks for teaching me the basics.
Oh, the basics? [Chuckles.]
Okay.
It has been brought to my attention that Evan feels like nobody listens to him around here.
So tonight, he gets to choose what we drink with dinner.
Really? Why does he get to choose? You will all drink what Evan decides, and you will like it! Okay, go ahead, Evan.
Anything you want.
I choose Shirley Temples.
Ohh.
What is that? It's 7-Up with grenadine and cherries.
I don't have any of those ingredients, so Then we'll just have passion fruit nectar.
Strawberry Fanta? Ginger Fizz-Bit? [Groans.]
Hi, J.
J.
Hi, Evan.
It's 362 days until my birthday.
I'll time out my haircuts so I can get one the day before.
Oh.
What do you think? It's a picture of my brother.
We can't have a dog because of his allergies.
I like it.
Really? You don't think there's anything I should change? No, it's great.
Nice hard backpack.
It's a briefcase.
[Laughing.]
Have I ever let you down? Did you bring any hard candy, like I asked? No.
There you go.
[Car door closes.]
'Sup, Hector? This him? Think you can handle our product? I got more handles than a yogurt shop.
Ghost peppers Hottest in the world.
[Chuckles.]
My ticket to winning the North Orlando Chili Cook-off.
Oh, it's gonna cost you.
Well, then, it's a good thing I own a semi-successful restaurant.
- How much? - $1.
75.
Each.
These guys are good.
S02E17 Doing It Right Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Jessica: [Sighs.]
The orderly flow of traffic.
This is called "zippering.
" One car from one lane and one car from another lane merge to form one single lane of efficiency.
It's amazing what society can learn from a pair of pants.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, lady in the ugly vest? I'm sorry.
Can I help you? Oh, no.
I'm trying to help you.
There's a better way to do your job.
Is there? You should wear gloves so that we can see your hands when you gesture.
Much safer.
Think about it.
Have you ever seen a dead mime in the street? [School bell ringing.]
What is that? Well, it's the sun.
Not our sun.
Well, I heard the moon is made out of cheese.
You balance me out, J.
J.
That's why we're best friends.
Hi, Mrs.
Huang.
It's five days till my birthday! Okay, thank you, J.
J.
Tomorrow, it'll be four days.
Go to your own car now, J.
J.
Bye.
Evan: I can't wait for J.
J.
's birthday party.
There's talk of a Grover ice-cream cake! Oh, and look what I got on my science test.
Oh.
An A-plus.
There it is! [Laughs.]
Nice work, my angel! Louis, you old sneak! Signing up for the North Orlando Chili Cook-Off without telling me, you son of a gun! Marvin, I didn't know you were a chili man.
You see this bad boy? It's for cooking the wild boar that's in my famous Navy Razorback Chili.
- Sounds pretty good.
- Pretty good? My wild pig brew has won the last five Golden Stockpots.
You know, I'm not stranger to the ladle.
I, uh, won a few chili contests myself back in D.
C.
- Oh, is that right? - Mm-hmm.
Well, down here in Orlando, we have a name for Yankee chili.
It's called "soup.
" [Both laugh.]
You know what I think when I eat Southern chili? What? I think, "This could use a little Northern chili.
" So, I point to the old man's shopping cart, and I say, "You're supposed to get frozen foods last, not first.
If that meat defrosts, you could get salmonella and die.
" You do have an eye for other people's mistakes.
Thank you.
[Door closes.]
Anyone see my apron?! Don't mind him.
Louis just gets obsessed with these chili competitions.
You don't have to tell me.
Chili season's got my man, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
I have to go help him clean out our garage fridge to store a pig.
He insists on the head facing out.
He says it honors the hog.
Oh.
I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay.
- Bye.
After dinner, can we watch "Caroline in the City"? - What? - No way.
Louis: Eddie, you won't be watching any TV this week.
You'll be helping me win the North Orlando Chili Cook-Off as my apprentice.
Really?! You never let me help.
You said I have to be five pots tall.
You are now, son.
I'm so excited for you.
[Chuckles.]
You're giving me your apron? Yes, to hand-wash for me, and then you'll give it back to me.
Can we drink something else besides water at dinner? No.
Water hydrates you.
And if you spill it, it cleans, not stains.
Very well.
One final question.
Dad, can I have your old briefcase? Why? I'd like to start carrying it to school to keep my papers crisp.
But you already have a backpack.
I didn't have a briefcase until I was 30.
[School bell rings.]
If you hate this so much, why do you insist on coming along? [Sighs.]
And now it is my turn.
Hey, it was my turn! She didn't zipper! [Horn blares.]
Hey! Hey, you didn't zipper! Hey.
She didn't zipper! It's out of my un-gloved hands.
Watch the car.
Life never tells us Hey! The whens or whys Hey! I know you see me! When you've got friends You cut me off when it was my turn to zipper! That's not how we drive around here! To wish you well There's no zippering rule.
It's more of a suggestion.
Calm down.
You will exhale "Calm down"? You calm down! You know what? Get out of the car.
Shoo-be, doop, shoop, shoop Help, help, I'm being attacked! You're not being attacked.
She's not being attacked.
Nobody help this idiot.
You are a crazy lady.
I can't believe somebody gave you a driver's license because you're an unfit driver and an idiot.
Evan: Mommy? J.
J.
: Oh, hi, mom.
Hi, J.
J.
- Oh.
Hi, Mrs.
Huang.
- Hi, J.
J.
You don't have to drive all the way up to school.
You can just drop us off here.
- Jessica: Here? Why? - It's just calmer here.
Is this about yesterday? Listen, sometimes when one adult is right, they have to tell the other adult that they're wrong.
But that was my best friend's mom.
Well, she drives like your worst friend's mom.
[Chuckles.]
The traffic disputes of adults have no impact on the friendships of children.
[School bell rings.]
Of course.
Bye, mom.
- Emery: Bye, mom.
- Bye.
Hey, Evan.
Hi, J.
J.
You have a raisin on your neck.
Oh.
- It's from breakfast.
- Ha! Good.
Now I have your fingerprints in case I need to send them to the state.
Evan's not invited to J.
J.
's birthday party this weekend.
Son, welcome to the flavor dome.
Cool.
When do we eat.
When the chili tells us it's ready.
This is the start of a family legacy, like when an Italian grandmother passes down a meatball recipe.
It's like, um, [Italian accent.]
"Mama Louis!" [Normal voice.]
Now, let's start by chopping up these onions.
Whoa.
You're gonna let me use this knife? Of course.
You're my apprentice.
Any last words? Uh, maybe we work on some knife skills first, okay? All right.
[Both blowing.]
- Not bad.
- Not bad at all.
[Screams.]
What are you doing? We spent forever on that! Eddie, what were your first words after you tried the chili? I said, "Not bad.
" Exactly.
"Not bad" isn't good enough.
And "good" isn't good enough, either.
Marvin is out there cooking a wild boar right now A pig from the forest.
We need to reach higher if we want that Golden Stockpot.
Okay, dad, if we're making this again, I think we should toast some cumin in some bacon fat before we put the meat in.
Let me stop you right there.
You know why your mom's not allowed in the dome? Because she futzes.
She adds things.
"Oh, how about a little more oregano? Let's add a sprig of rosemary.
" No! This isn't a bowl of jazz! Who does that woman think she is, deciding who can and can't attend her son's birthday party? She's not God.
That's nice.
Stop thinking about your chili! How am I supposed to tell Evan he's not invited to J.
J.
's birthday party? Just apologize to her.
Why would I apologize? She didn't zipper! She's the one who's wrong! Well, what would be wrong is if Evan didn't go to the party because of something you did.
Honey: [Screams.]
Damn it, Marvin! Get this beast out of the garage fridge! Marvin: We need to honor the hog! [Sighs.]
Let's start over.
I'm Jessica, Evan's mother.
I'm Helen.
Helen.
That's a pretty name.
It's like melon, a sweet fruit.
I'm here because I would like to acknowledge a mutual wrongdoing.
Okay You didn't respect the zipper, and I lost my temper, even though I was provoked by your error.
I think I'm being pretty clear.
You're not.
[Sighs.]
It is for Evan, my angel.
I am sorry.
Thank you very much for saying that.
I-I accept your apology.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I am so glad we put this behind us.
Evan is so excited for J.
J.
's birthday party.
Oh, Evan still isn't invited.
Bye, now.
Eddie! Why didn't you tell me? - Tell you what? - About your dad competing in NO-CO! The North Orlando Chili Cook-Off.
Yeah, he's been making me help him out.
Hold on.
He's letting you chili apprentice? All we do is cook chili and not eat any of it.
He keeps on saying it needs to be better, but he doesn't take any of my ideas.
You believe this guy? Two days in a chili kitchen, thinks he knows everything.
Why would your dad listen to you? You're not a chef.
Yeah, but I know food.
Blindfold me in a Baskin-Robbins, and I'll name all 31 flavors.
You're the apprentice.
You're supposed to shut up, listen, and learn.
But I'm not good at any of those things.
Forget this.
I'm done cooking with my dad.
[Scoffs.]
You need to take that attitude to a pie-eating contest where it belongs! Mom, which outfit should I wear to J.
J.
's? I want something I can knock around in, but my knees have been ashy lately, so shorts are out.
[Sighs.]
Evan, sit down.
There's something I have to tell you.
What is it? I I have to get gas on the way to J.
J.
's.
Oh, then we need to leave 10 minutes earlier.
I better hustle into the shower.
The Mobil on 5th is 10 cents cheaper.
[Screams.]
Emery, we have to get you a cat bell.
Announce yourself when I come into the room.
Good God! - Ohh! - Hmm.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Hello, Helen.
Evan is here? You guys, I'm here! What are you doing? You can't just crash my son's birthday party.
Evan doesn't deserve to miss out because you have a problem with me.
We shouldn't make this about us.
No, we shouldn't, because it's not about us.
It's about Evan.
What are you talking about.
[Scoffs.]
That's why I didn't want him here.
See for yourself.
Evan: No, no, no, no, no.
You're doing it wrong.
What are pirate Lego men doing at a construction site? Tear this down and start again.
Okay! My son is a gentle spirit, and I don't like the way your son treats him.
That's why I didn't want him here.
My job is to protect J.
J.
from your little bossy boots.
Evan's not bossy boots! He's angel boots! [Scoffs.]
What on earth is that? It's the Don't say it's the sun.
Evan was really bossing his friend around? Sweet little Evan in his cute, little khakis? The ones with the pleats, yes.
I just don't know where he learns this type of behavior.
You're kidding, right? He gets it from you, Jessica.
What?! No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
- I think he just looks up to you.
- You're not doing it right.
- Sorry? - Your sandwich The mustard needs to go on the bread first to form a moisture barrier between it and the tomato.
Tear it down.
Start again.
Oh, my God.
You've never made a proper sandwich.
Or you're bossy.
You just love pointing out people's mistakes.
I thought that was a compliment.
Gus: Good afternoon, Orlando.
This is "Good Morning, Orlando.
" And let me tell you, Mey-Mey, we are having an awful lot of fun here at NO-CO.
[Chuckles.]
Not really, Gus, but what can you do? You got to go where they send you.
[Chuckles.]
Now let's meet the judges who will be awarding the coveted Golden Stockpot to the winner.
Hi.
Hello! [Both laugh.]
It's us.
That's right.
Not only are we reporting on the chili, but we're also judging it.
Ohh, things are about to get caliente! I see you brought your Golden Stockpots.
Ah, I only brought them to hold down my banner.
[Chuckles.]
Are you posing for a picture, Marvin? Oh, just in case someone wants to take one.
- Here you go.
- Ha.
Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Official list of all your competitors.
Good luck.
Wow, there's a lot of entries on here.
Big Daddy Huang? That's not right.
I'm Louis' Five Alarm.
Eddie: That's me.
I'm Big Daddy Huang.
- What? - Sorry, dad.
I'm done being your apprentice.
We've been cooking for three days.
Exactly.
And you didn't take a single one of my ideas.
I'm not about that.
I got to break these chains.
Fine, you want to make your own chili? Like the French candle says in "Beauty and the Beast," "Be My Guest.
" Everybody over here Get on up Everybody right there Get into it Everybody over there Get involved Everybody just, ohh Man: [Rapping.]
Microphone check, Microphone check Can I get a check-up from the neck up? Can I kick a rhyme while I'm checkin' my time? Can I get cure 'cause you did the crime for sure? You're probably killin' me with these shots Tell me what I got and I'm gone Pandemic, who did it? Right, who did it? That's who did it Who? World Health Organized, murderized Came to the aid and got paid Doctor, doctor in a lab concocted a germ warfare Emery, go get us some Tums from the Tums tent.
On it.
[Sighs.]
Let's sit down for a minute, okay? I saw you at J.
J.
's party.
I saw you, too.
You brought me there.
No, I mean I saw the way you were talking to him, bossing him around like that, forcing him to start over, making him change his outfit.
Oh.
And I know why.
You're trying to be like me because you worship me.
No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- I don't.
You do.
You worship your mommy.
I am your shining star, and you want to be just like me.
Why else would you boss your friend around like that? I don't know.
I guess because he listens to me.
What do you mean? No one at home ever listens to me.
Of course we do.
We listen to you.
No, you don't.
After dinner, can we watch "Caroline in the City"? - What? - No way.
Dad, can I have your old briefcase? But you already have a backpack.
I didn't have a briefcase until I was 30.
Huh? [Speaking Chinese.]
The Garfield.
Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? Because you wouldn't have listened.
I guess sometimes it's hard being the youngest.
Hey.
I know how you feel.
Your Aunt Connie never listened to me.
That's why her life is such a mess now.
[Chuckles.]
I bought all the regular-strength Tums.
Exchange them for Extra Strength? Yes.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Where are all your measuring cups? Up here.
Want a taste? What's wrong? Eddie, that's delicious.
There's no way you made this from scratch.
[Bell clanging.]
- Gus: Gather around.
- Where's the intern? I need another towel.
Ashley! All right, everyone, before we announce our finalists, we have some unfortunate news.
An entrant has been disqualified for using pre-cooked meat.
I knew it.
[Crowd murmurs.]
That's right, Gus.
It's Marvin! [Crowd murmurs.]
Apparently, Marvin not only told us, but fed us a Whopper.
[Crowd booing.]
I did it for the chili.
Take him away.
[Spits.]
I can walk.
You all ate it and loved it! None of us are innocent.
And now let's move on to the three finalists.
First we have Louis' Five Alarm! Yeah, Louis! [Laughs.]
Delicious.
[Cheers and applause.]
Next we have Big Daddy Huang! Whoo! [Cheers and applause.]
And lastly, Gloria's Chili! Whoo! Gloria! Gloria! And the Golden Stockpot goes to Looks great, doesn't it? I can't believe Gloria just gave it to us.
Well, lucky for us, she thinks pride is a sin.
Hmm.
You know, I have to say I was really impressed with your chili.
- Really?! - How'd you learn to do that? I guess I just know food.
Thanks for teaching me the basics.
Oh, the basics? [Chuckles.]
Okay.
It has been brought to my attention that Evan feels like nobody listens to him around here.
So tonight, he gets to choose what we drink with dinner.
Really? Why does he get to choose? You will all drink what Evan decides, and you will like it! Okay, go ahead, Evan.
Anything you want.
I choose Shirley Temples.
Ohh.
What is that? It's 7-Up with grenadine and cherries.
I don't have any of those ingredients, so Then we'll just have passion fruit nectar.
Strawberry Fanta? Ginger Fizz-Bit? [Groans.]
Hi, J.
J.
Hi, Evan.
It's 362 days until my birthday.
I'll time out my haircuts so I can get one the day before.
Oh.
What do you think? It's a picture of my brother.
We can't have a dog because of his allergies.
I like it.
Really? You don't think there's anything I should change? No, it's great.
Nice hard backpack.
It's a briefcase.
[Laughing.]