Friends s04e09 Episode Script

Come on, no peeking.
Our eyes are closed, and we're crossing the street.
Very good.
Okay.
Open up! What do you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchen van! It's for our catering business.
I think I know that girl.
We won't keep it this way, though.
We'll replace the sword with a baguette.
Oh, my God, I think I lost my virginity in that van.
Also, we don't know what to do with this.
Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
The One Where They're Going To Party! Remember that guy from cooking school that put cilantro in everything? Sure, Cilantro Larry! I'm filling in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter.
What an amazing opportunity to influence dozens of people! What about our catering business? It's just one night a week.
Plus, I get to take you out for free dinners.
Well, in that case.
That was me, hopping on board.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Ross! Quick question for you.
Are you ready to party? I could maybe go out for a couple of beers.
There's this thing about bees on the Discovery Channel.
I don't think you heard me.
Are you ready to party? No.
Gandalf? Gandalf is coming to town? I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandalf, dude! Dude, we are so going to party! Wow, okay.
Dude alert! Who is this guy? Mike "Gandalf" Ganderson.
Only the funnest guy in the world.
I'll call to get off work tomorrow.
I'll call after you! This will be so cool! We never party anymore.
Were you smoking something in the back of our van? "We never have fun anymore"? You have fun with me.
Remember those strippers? And you paid me $50 to eat that book? You are going to love this guy.
Gandalf is the party wizard.
Why do you call him "Gandalf"? Gandalf the Wizard.
Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school? No, I had sex in high school.
Joanna? I was wondering if I could ask you something.
There's an opening for a buyer in Junior Miss -That'd be a step down for me.
-Actually, I meant for me.
The hiring committee is meeting people all day and.
I guess you can't stay my assistant forever.
Neither can you, Sophie, but for different reasons.
I'm so glad you don't have a problem.
If you did, I wouldn't apply.
In that case That's why I'm glad there's no problem.
I'm on the hiring committee, so there'll be one friendly face.
That's great! Junior Miss is where I started.
I slept with the ugliest guy to get that job.
-Really? -No.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
With your qualifications, you won't need to sleep with some guy.
Although I might need some convincing.
Kidding! God, I feel wild today! Man, I am so excited, I may vomit.
Will you calm down? He's just a human guy.
You don't understand.
He's amazing.
You never know what'll happen.
You go out for beer and end up on a boat to Nova Scotia.
-Really? -It's beautiful country up there.
Hey.
Okay.
I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snakebite kit.
It won't be exactly like last time.
I'll see you guys.
I have an audition, but I'll meet you.
Where will you be around noon? Somewhere maybe along the equator? Hello.
It's Gandalf! So are you in town? Oh, well.
Maybe next time, then.
What happened? He can't come.
He's stuck in Chicago.
Oh, man! Chicago's so lucky.
Stupid, useless Canadian money! You have a very impressive resume, Miss Greene.
I especially like what I see about implementing a new filing system.
Thank you.
Filing system? Those colored labels you put on all the folders? It did brighten up the filing cabinets.
They did more than that.
I notice you've been entrusted with a lot of important responsibilities.
Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me.
Rachel has been incredible at getting my bagels.
She gets it right almost every time.
Of course, I have more responsibilities than that.
Of course! There's the coffee too.
Rachel can carry two things at once.
That's very good.
Now a big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers.
-Yes, l -She shouldn't have any problem.
Her only problem might be getting too friendly, you know? I love working with designers.
With them.
Under them.
What's the difference? My first review is out.
The Chelsea Reporter.
These used to keep me so warm.
Look, I'm on the back page.
"Would I go back to Allesandro's? Sure, I'd get two meals.
One for me, and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head.
" You really laid into this place.
They don't pay me a penny a word to make friends.
I found a guy who'd fix up the van for catering.
You want me to go? It's okay.
Are we sure we don't want the waterbed? Because it would be silly to take it out if we're just gonna put it back in again.
Haven't we made this decision? Yeah, all right.
-Who is it? -It's Allesandro, from Allesandro's.
-Oh, my God.
-I want to talk to you about your review.
Call me on the phone.
What? So you can hang up on me? I'll never let you up, so just go away.
-Just give me a chance to -Do you need to get in? No, Phoebe! Hey, Monica! I want a retraction.
Our food is not "inedible swill.
" I couldn't eat it.
My five friends couldn't eat it, and one of them eats books.
Our service isn't "grossly incompetent.
" The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants.
Well, you said that we accept the Discover Card which we do not! All right, that I'll retract.
But I stand by my review.
I know food, and that wasn't it.
Your marinara sauce tastes like tomato juice.
You should serve it with vodka and celery.
I'm proud of that sauce.
It's delicious.
You own an ltalian restaurant, and you think that tastes good? Where are you from? Lebanon.
Hand me those tomatoes.
I'll show you what it should taste like.
How long will this take? I got another critic to yell at.
Joanna, I want to talk about that interview.
I thought it went very well.
No, it didn't.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Now just to brief you I may cry.
But they are not tears of sadness or of anger but just of us having this discussion.
Please, don't make a scene.
There's nobody here.
Sophie, get in here.
See? You're making Sophie uncomfortable.
No, she's not.
Congratulations.
You crossed the line into completely useless.
Get out.
Do you want me to quit? What makes you think that? Those things you said in the interview if you believe them, I must not be a good assistant.
You know what? I am just going to pack up my desk and I will be gone by the end of the day.
There's no use staying till the end of the day.
Wait, wait.
You can put your sad little muffin back.
If you must know the truth, I didn't want to lose a good assistant.
What? That's why I said those things about your flirting and drinking.
My drinking? I must have said that after you left.
Said what, exactly? You enjoy the occasional drink -ing binge.
Oh, my God! That is it.
I'm leaving! You are just a horrible person! Wait, wait.
If you're going to get all sensitive about it.
I don't want to lose you.
What if I create a position for you? I'll make you assistant buyer in this department.
Say more things like that.
Your own office and a raise, effective tomorrow.
-I need an expense account.
-Done! -And an assistant.
-Sophie! Hey, I thought you'd be out partying with Gandol- -dorf.
It's Gandalf, and he's not coming.
You've been sitting here all day? I balanced my checkbook.
And I gave first names to all the foosball players.
I can't believe he didn't come.
So what? We can still go out and party ourselves.
With Gandalf, we'd be out all night.
We'd meet total strangers and hang out with them.
We could do that.
There was other stuff too.
We'll do it all and better! After tonight, Gandalf will want to party with us, dude! It's not like we don't know how to party! All right! Let's go.
Maybe we could end up on a boat again? All right! When were we on a boat? Remember that cold morning with those dogs licking your face? Those were seals, man.
How would this suit look on an assistant buyer The owner of Allesandro's came to yell at me.
But I made him sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef! You just ruined the thing I was practicing, but I'm so happy! Can you believe it? I get to run my own kitchen! Oh, you've waited so long.
Pheebs! Quick question for you.
How would this suit look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale's? It would totally depend on her coloring and.
You got the job! You got the job? Why didn't you tell me? It'll be so great! I'll help decide what we sell.
I'll have an office with walls and everything.
I'm going to have walls! Is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job.
The wedding reception.
I kind of need to talk to you about that.
I think it's time for me to take a step back from the catering.
But we've only had one job.
But now we have this second one, and it feels like it's snowballing.
What are you saying? I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro's.
It's okay, because you don't really need me.
You're the cook! Without you, it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays, asking for money.
All right.
But I'll pay you back all the money you invested.
-And you can keep the van! -For what? I can't believe this! I got to get out of here.
Phoebe, wait a minute.
I'm an assistant buyer! We'll get coffee, get energized, then head back out.
-Yeah, all right.
-Okay.
So we're having fun, right? We don't need that wizard guy.
We hit some clubs, talk to some strangers then go down to the docks and see about that boat thing.
I'm kind of beat.
Actually me too.
Are you serious? Thank God! I'm exhausted.
You guys want coffees? I don't want to be up too late, so I'll have a decaf.
Yeah, me too.
Actually, could I get some hot water with lemon? I strained my voice screaming in there.
Does it have to be so loud? I can't hear a word.
My ears are ringing so bad.
I was glad I had that extra pair of socks.
I used them as mittens.
I didn't want to touch a thing in that last place.
How sad are we? Yeah, I know.
You know what? We're not sad.
We're just not 21 anymore.
You know? I'm 29 years old, damn it! I want to sit in a comfortable chair, watch TV and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.
I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends.
And so what if I like to go home, put on Kenny G and take a bath? We're 29.
We're not women.
There you are.
I'm glad you decided to hear me out.
Okay, I'm hearing.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I came up with a bunch of businesses that you can do with your van.
You could be a flower delivery person.
-What? -Or a bakery delivery person? Pizza? I got a whole bunch of stuff in this area.
But I get the feeling you don't want to deliver.
-No.
-Okay.
I guess if you don't want to deliver you probably don't want to pick up stuff either.
No.
You know what? Let's do the catering business.
-Really? Are you sure? -Yeah, I made a commitment to you.
It'd be fun.
It will be fun! Let's plan the wedding reception.
You really wanted me to do something with this van.
You know what? I want you to take the chef job.
-Really? -Yeah.
That's what you really want.
I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy.
I'd be unhappy.
And I really don't want to be the reason I'm unhappy.
Thank you.
Besides, it might be kind of fun to form the new A-Team.
Hi, Mrs.
Lynch.
Is Joanna in already? Oh, my goodness! You haven't heard.
-Heard what? -Joanna passed away last night.
Oh, my God! How? She was leaving work, and she was hit by a cab.
Oh, my God! I cannot believe it! I know.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I didn't realize that you were so close.
Yes.
So close! I know that this is an emotional and difficult time for all of us.
But by any chance, did Joanna send any paperwork your way before -it happened? -No, nothing.
Imagine, if she'd just stepped off that curb a few seconds later.
Yes, just a few seconds and she'd still be with us.
Nothing about an assistant buyer? I'm sorry.
I have to go.
Good morning! I guess you didn't hear about Joanna.
I sure did! I'm excited about having Monica on board with us.
Although I do feel bad about having fired Chef Emilio.
It is like losing a member of the family.
Of course, that literally is the case for several of you.
Tony, Carlos, Marie please tell your father how much we're going to miss him.
I know Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place.
Well, you all read the review.
So without much further ado I present to you our new head chef.
I just want to say that with a pinch of excitement a dash of hard work and a dollop of cooperation we can have the recipe.
Are you going to kill me?