Friends s04e12 Episode Script

What the hell is that?! What the hell is that? Is that you? -You're really not a morning person.
-Just back off! Get up! Get up! Get up! What is that noise? You! It's the chick.
She's going through some changes.
What kind of changes? The vet seems to think she's becoming a rooster.
We're getting a second opinion.
The One With the Embryos Why are you shopping at 8 in the morning? I've been up since 6 thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster.
You should get rid of those animals.
They shouldn't be in an apartment.
Especially not with these knives and cookbooks around.
I'm going to the doctor and see if I'm ready to have Frank and Alice's embryo transferred into my uterus.
How will they know? They'll just see if my endometrial layer is thick.
I can check that for you.
Okay, think "thick.
" Good luck! Wish me luck.
Good luck.
-I'm still right.
-That is so not true.
What? I know it's her laundry day and that means she's wearing her old-lady underpants.
I can check that for you.
You two think you know me and Rachel better than we know you.
Well, we do.
You can only eat Tic Tacs in even numbers.
What's that about? And you! Ross, if you check Rachel's bag you'll find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
You're good.
These are not.
I'm so not impressed.
Everybody snacks when they shop.
Ross, how many items left in that bag? Five.
Okay, 10 bucks says we can name every item in that bag.
-How many guesses? -Six.
Challenge extended.
-Deal! -Challenge accepted.
All right, we'll start with apples.
We'll be starting with apples.
Stop that now.
Yes.
Okay.
Tortilla chips.
-Yogurt.
-Diet soda.
-Orange juice.
-There's no orange juice! We win! They have another guess.
Well, we won that one.
Okay.
The last thing is Not for another two weeks.
I got it.
Scotch tape.
How did you know she would buy Scotch tape? We used up theirs last night making scary faces.
Oh, man! All right! Ten bucks.
Fork it over.
Cough it up.
Pay the piper.
Give me it! You don't know us better.
I want a rematch.
And no stupid grocery questions.
Real, personal questions.
And the winner gets $100.
-Serious? -Are you scared? No.
Who makes up the questions? Ross will do it.
Sure, Ross will do it.
It's not like he has a job or a child or a life of his own.
-Fine.
We'll ask Phoebe.
-No, I want to play.
Looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.
I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.
Okay, so what's now? Go get the eggs.
Put them in there.
It'll take a little while to prepare the embryos.
-Embryos? As in more than one? -Five, actually.
Where am I giving birth in a hospital or a big box under the stairs? Doing five gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.
That's it? 25%? That means that it's, like, I was thinking, what are the odds if you stuff 200 of them in there? Sweetie, now she's a woman, not a gumball machine.
Don't worry.
I'll do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
The thing is, we kind of only have one shot.
It costs $16,000 each time you do this.
Sixteen thousand dollars?! Well, it's 20 in California.
We're kind of using all the money we have to do it this one time.
Okay, that's a lot of pressure on me and my uterus.
Maybe there's something I can do to make sure I get pregnant.
No, I'm sorry.
Wow, you guys really don't know anything.
Why don't you get drunk? It worked for a bunch of girls in my high school.
-So how's the test coming? -Hey, you're touching the game board.
Sorry.
You freak.
Do you realize that any minute now Phoebe could be pregnant? I know, I know.
It's such a huge, life-altering thing.
The test is ready.
Okay.
Each team will answer 10 questions.
The first team to answer the most questions wins.
The categories are "Fears and Pet Peeves" "Ancient History" "Literature" and "It's all Relative.
" Now the coin toss, to see who goes first.
Okay.
Somebody call it this time.
Tails! It's heads.
Gentlemen, pick your category.
"Fears and Pet Peeves.
" "What is Monica's biggest pet peeve?" -Animals dressed as humans.
-Correct.
-Ladies? -Same category.
"According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?" Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! That is correct.
The lrish jig guy? His legs flail about as if independent from his body! Gentlemen, your pick.
"It's all Relative.
" "Monica and I had a grandmother who died.
You both went to her funeral.
Name that grandmother.
" -Nana? -She has a real name.
Althea! -What? -I took a shot! With Althea? -Althea is correct.
-Nice shooting! "Literature.
" "Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment.
What name appears on the address label?" Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing! I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong.
" I knew that! Rachel, use your head! Actually, it's Ms.
Chanandler Bong.
Hello, teeny embryos.
I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Hi! I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months.
We're doing this for Frank and Alice who you know.
You've been there.
They want you so much.
So when you guys get in there, really grab on.
And I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home.
Next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry.
That's what's supposed to happen.
Ready? Good luck! The score is nine to eight in favor of the guys.
Ladies, if you miss this, the game is theirs.
Pick a category.
"It's all Relative"! -You don't have to shout everything.
-I'm sorry! "What is the name of Chandler's father's Las Vegas all-male burlesque?" Viva Las Gaygas! Unfortunately, that is correct.
All right.
We have a tie.
Luckily, I've prepared for such an event.
The lightning round! Thirty seconds.
All the questions you can answer.
You guys are dead! I am so good at lightning rounds! I majored in lightning rounds, all right? We'll destroy you.
Want to bet? I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far.
How about we play for more money? Say 150? One hundred and fifty dollars.
Say 200? Two hundred dollars! You're doing it again.
Excuse me.
-I don't want to lose $200.
-We won't.
Three hundred? I'm spicing it up! So play for some pepper! Stop spending my money.
I got it! If we win, they have to get rid of the rooster.
That's interesting! -No way! That rooster's family.
-The duck too! The duck doesn't make noise! He gets the other one all riled up! -We are not -All right, hold on! If you win we give up the bird.
But if we win we get your apartment.
-Deal! -What? That's crazy.
There's no way we are betting the apartment.
All right, I'm in.
Because either he goes, or I'm buying a coyote.
Betting the apartment? I don't know about this.
I have not missed one question the whole game.
I own this game! -Look at my hand.
-You have the answers written there? No.
Steady as a rock.
Now, are you with me? All right, let's do it! All right.
Gentlemen, you're up first.
You have 30 seconds.
The lightning round begins Stop it! "Monica's nickname when she was a hockey goalie?" -Big Fat Goalie.
-Correct! "Rachel claims it's her favorite movie.
" Dangerous Liaisons.
-"Her actual favorite is?" -Weekend at Bernie's.
"In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?" No! Her ear! "Monica categorizes her towels.
How many categories are there?" -Everyday use.
-Fancy.
-Guest.
-Fancy guest.
-Two seconds.
-Eleven? Unbelievable! Eleven is correct! All right.
That's four for the guys.
Ladies, you're up! Thirty seconds on the clock.
Five correct questions wins the game.
The lightning round begins now.
"Joey's favorite food?" -Sandwiches! -Correct.
"Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?" -14? -No, 19.
Thanks, man.
"Joey had an imaginary childhood friend.
-His name was?" -Maurice! -"His profession was?" -Space cowboy! "What is Chandler Bing's job?" It has something to do with numbers! -And processing! -He carries a briefcase.
Ten seconds.
You need this or you lose.
Something to do with transponding.
He's a transponster! That's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this! -I call Monica's room.
-You can't just call Monica's room.
Sure I can.
Standard shotgun rules.
I'm in sight of the room and I called it.
Damn! I feel like I'm coming down with something.
Guess the color of my tonsils.
I bet the apartment! I would never bet this place.
It's too nice.
Are they in there? Yeah, I'm implanted.
-How do you feel? -Well, freaked.
It turns out the odds are really sucky.
And this is Frank and Alice's only shot.
They are literally putting all their eggs in my basket.
But I bet it works.
Really? How much? I'm going to take a pregnancy test now.
Wow! You can tell this soon? The doctor says it takes a few days.
But my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine.
I can't believe you guys think you're moving in here.
Well, believe it, baby! -Well, I'm not moving.
-What? No.
It was a stupid bet.
We were just playing a game.
You can't ignore the bet.
It's a bet! Bet on a bet and if you lose, you lose the bet.
We have to move.
We would have made them get rid of the birds.
I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better this is all your fault.
What? Chanandler Bong! We steal that TV Guide every week! I knew it! I don't care.
I'm not going anywhere.
Cool! Girl roommate.
Well? Nope, not knocked up yet.
It's only been a couple hours.
Meanwhile, I'll do whatever I can to help this.
I'm just going to, you know, lie in your chair, okay? Good.
I'm going to let gravity do its job.
I won't get in the way.
It'll be just like that time I tried to count all the bumps on your ceiling.
You know, Pheebs, if you sit there long enough, you'll be sitting in our apartment.
I can't believe this.
Oh, Rach, FYl: Your new apartment hasn't had hot water since Christmas.
Can you give me a hand? Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl's apartment! That is a boy's apartment! It's dirty and it smells! This is pretty! It's so pretty! And look, it's purple! I tell you, you with your steady hand, I am not moving.
And now I have got the steady hand.
Okay, okay.
-I'll take care of it.
-That's right.
You do what the hand says! -How'd it go? -I lost our mattresses.
Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas We were just at the drugstore so we got you a little present.
That's where all my blood was.
It's a lollipop and a home pregnancy test.
Don't mix those up.
You could really ruin that lollipop.
You feel like taking a test? There's only one question.
All right.
I will.
Remember that it's still really early.
If it says I'm not pregnant, that doesn't mean I won't get pregnant.
Just so I don't go completely nuts try not to put all your hopes on this.
Great.
You are mean boys who are just being mean! Don't get mad! No one forced you to raise the stakes.
That is not true! She forced me! You got the question wrong.
It was a stupid, unfair question! Don't blame the questions! Stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us.
-Stop calling it your apartment! -lt is! You're going to have a baby.
They're going to have a baby! My sister's going to have my baby! Okay, but this can't be good for the baby.
I can't find garbage bags.
I think I saw some in here.
What is it? I don't know.
But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die.
I can't believe we're living here! What is it? Did you see the size of the closets? I can't believe we live here!