Friends s04e14 Episode Script

So, what is this? Googlie Worm.
And this? Glow Pop Jiggly Jam.
It's so funny! What's this? A hunk of sandwich from last year.
Geller's got one hooked! Looks like a big one! It's the classic struggle between man Someone knocked over a lamp.
You know what'll be great about the fishing trip? When my Dad asks, "What are you doing with your life?" I can say, "I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston.
What about you?" Don't stop having fun just because I'm here.
Kathy didn't cheat on all of you.
Well, except you.
You know what is so sweet? Those birds have not left his side the whole time.
Yeah, I wish that rooster were dead.
You shouldn't leave Chandler alone.
They broke up only two days ago.
Go fishing next week.
There's nothing I can do.
He's still in his sweats.
That's only phase one.
I'll be back for phase two.
I'd never miss that.
Phase two? Getting drunk and going to a strip club.
How does going there make him better? There are naked ladies there.
Then to phase three: seeing yourself with other women.
There are naked ladies there too.
Would you give me one minute, please? The One with Joey's Dirty Day These will match the jacket you picked out last week? There we go.
There it is.
You know what I need? Gloves.
Brown leather dress gloves.
Well, let's see.
This one is large.
And this one.
Also large? Two larges coming right up.
Hello.
-Damn you.
-Could I have a moment? My niece, you see, is in town from London.
Shropshire, but you know.
She's about your age, I'd say.
Anyway, I have tickets for the opera.
Die Fledermaus.
Would you like to keep her company tonight? Sure.
You got it! Count me in.
Me.
Fledermaus.
Great! Yes, of course.
Thank you so very much.
So? -Gloves? -Sorry, I'll be right back.
Actually, I got to take off.
I was curious.
Do you have plans tonight? No, nothing! I invested in a nightclub.
It opens tonight.
Want to come? That would be great! You're into hard-core S & M, right? -Well, I guess.
-I'm kidding.
I'll put you on the VlP list.
Look for me.
Great! You bet.
I'll see you tonight.
-I almost forgot the tickets.
-What? For you and Emily.
Tonight.
Die Fledermaus.
Oh, right.
You'll like it.
It has two out of the three tenors.
I can't believe Kathy did this to me.
I really thought she was the one.
I'll tell you what.
I'm not getting out of this chair.
Ever! From now on, this chair is the one! You know what else is the one? My sweatpants.
Just take the sweats off, okay? Take them off and we'll have some fun.
Wow, and I can't resist that line.
That's why I never wear sweatpants.
Did you catch any fish? You guys have no idea.
-You stink! -Are you kidding? Three days without a shower.
Plus, I fell in a big tub of worms! How's he doing? He hasn't left that chair in two days.
Hey, buddy, how's it going? You see? He just needed his pal to come home.
I got to memorize my lines.
Me and Charlton Heston, bright and early tomorrow, baby! What's the matter? Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight.
But I already told Mr.
Waltham that I would take his niece to the dumb old opera.
So, what are you going to do? -I don't know.
-No! Help me! -I can't.
I have to work.
-Phoebe? I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
Unless she wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
You guys, come on! I have to meet Joshua.
It's my one chance for him to see the "fun" Rachel.
The "wouldn't it be great if she were my wife?" Rachel.
Are Joey and Chandler back? Chandler's still in phase one, and Joey's that thing you smell.
So.
No.
Come on! -She's here.
-Wait, wait.
Ross, please? You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy? That is a toughie.
She's looking down the hall.
She looked right at me.
You can't see people through that hole, can you? I'll be right there! Okay, Ross, please.
I thought we had moved on.
I thought we could be happy for each other.
I mean, was that just me? All right, I'll do it.
Thank you, thank you.
Emily.
I'm Rachel Greene.
Thank goodness! There's been a teeny change of plans.
I'm not free tonight Really? I must've missed your call, though I didn't leave the flat all day.
Well, l That's not rude.
It's in keeping with the trip where I've been run down by one of your wiener carts and been strip-searched at the airport.
Apparently, I look like someone who's got cocaine stuffed up their bum.
I think you look great.
Good night.
It was very nice to meet you.
I'll get her.
Please, hurry.
Don't you just love the way they talk? -What? -The baby kicked! Oh, my God.
No, wait.
The elastic in my underwear busted.
Oh, my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set half an hour ago! You can't go like that! You stink! I fell asleep.
Now I don't have time! Just 10 blocks away.
If I run, I'll make it.
Run 10 blocks.
That'll help the smell.
Slow down! No, keep moving.
How did it go last night? Well, I didn't see Joshua.
But I did punch a girl in the face.
The whole night was horrible.
It was pouring.
There was no Rachel Greene on the list.
But there was a Rachel Greep.
So did you get to meet her? There is no Rachel Greep.
But this girl overheard us.
And she said, "I'm Rachel Greep!" And he let her in.
So you hit her? No, she was already in.
This big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella so I clocked her.
All I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua so he could go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Pheebs.
Honey, that's your name.
That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's what we called each other.
-You're wearing pants! -That's right.
Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see strippers.
It's 9:30 a.
m.
They got a breakfast buffet.
Let me talk to him! -Oh, my God! -Can't I just? -It's my phone and she's shush -Please! What's he saying? He's with Emily in Vermont.
What? Oh, my God! Who the hell is Emily? No.
When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet.
Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you, once l got her into a dry pair of shoes she was a totally different person.
They're in Vermont? How did this happen? How'd he end up in Vermont with that witch? Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time.
There's a deer outside eating fruit from the orchard! I got to go! There's a deer eating fruit from the orchard! He had to go.
There was a deer eating fruit from the orchard.
I don't get this.
She was horrible! I'm going to go stand over there.
Why do you care? I don't care.
I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua.
You do not just meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont! When you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
Could you, just for once not remember every little thing? So you know, when's he getting back? A couple of days.
I knew something like this would happen.
What are you doing? You can't go back a phase! You're thinking about time.
You can't go back in time.
Why don't you do your phase two strip club thing with us? We can be guys! No, you can't.
Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys.
No, you don't.
You'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long.
Would you just stop being such a wuss and get those off? And come with us and watch naked girls dance! Okay.
I'm sorry.
Joey Tribbiani.
I'm here.
Calm down, we got time.
We're running late.
All set.
Look at that.
Charlton Heston eating licorice.
Yeah, he loves them.
I've never seen him with What the hell is that? What smells so bad? You.
I could see why you would think that.
But you know who it is? You? No, no.
It's Heston.
What? He reeks like he went on a three-day fishing trip, then ate licorice.
No way.
He's the only one with a shower in his dressing room.
Really? A shower? Which room might that be? The one with "Heston" on it.
Interesting.
I got some ones.
You want to put them in her panties? No, thanks, Mom! That.
You have to put that out because I'm pregnant.
Maybe you and your baby ought to go to another strip club.
It's not my baby.
Very good.
Really good.
I enjoyed it.
Very exotic.
I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call.
You'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up.
You know what makes it worse? Ross is all happy in Vermont.
Come on, look where you are! Another round of daiquiris.
Virgin for me.
Don't let me leave without the name of that carpet guy.
Come on! You know what? I'll go home and call Kathy.
If it'll help.
That was a test.
In a few hours, I'll be drunk.
I'll want to call her.
You'll have to stop me.
Then I'll be so drunk, I'll want to call Janice.
You should! How is she? I think somebody needs another lap dance.
Who's in there? How you doing? Who in the hell are you? Would you believe me if I said I was Kirk Douglas? Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.
No, wait.
You don't understand.
I'm an actor.
Joey Tribbiani.
I'm doing a scene with you today.
And I stink! You're in this picture? I'm a cop who won't work with you because you're a loose cannon.
Anyway, I'm really sorry.
But I stink.
Joey, right? Every actor, one time or another Every actor thinks he stinks.
Even Laurence Olivier sometimes thought he stank.
Bob Redford won't even watch himself.
You don't understand.
Listen to me.
I don't know one actor worth his salt who, one time in his career, didn't say, "God, I stink!" I just did a scene out there.
First take, I stunk the place up.
The important thing, and you must remember no matter how badly you think you stink you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me? -Yes, sir.
I'm very sorry.
-Wait a minute! Take your pants.
Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
What a business.
We did okay at the strip club, right? Great.
Thanks to you, the hottest waitress is quitting to teach the third grade! -He still hasn't called.
-Who, Josh? It's Joshua.
-He doesn't like "Josh"? -No, I don't.
I'm going to put my sweats back on.
You know what? You were right.
We weren't great at being guys.
You know why? Because we're girls.
-You know what girls are good at? -Stripping! No, listening! Sit.
Maybe it would really, really help if you would just talk.
Yeah, come on.
What's going on in there? And you know, if you want to cry, that's okay too.
I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Forget it.
We tried, but phase three is a lost cause.
Those strippers were hot, and l couldn't picture myself with them.
They really were pretty, weren't they? -I liked that fighter pilot one.
-Candy? She was so spunky! I think if I were going to be with a woman it'd be with someone like Michelle.
She was just so petite.
For me, it would have to be Chantal.
She had the smoothest skin.
I stuck that dollar in her G-string and grazed her thigh Phase three! I just achieved phase three! I am totally picturing you with all those women! That's not phase three.
Well, I'm there too! Are we all together in a group? Stop it, you're killing me! I think I moved on to phase four! -What is that? -I don't want a relationship ever! I just want sex with strippers and my friends! Come on.
Let me see that smile.
I don't want to.
Please? I wanted to go to the strip club! You'll have plenty of chances.
There are thousands of women out there, just waiting to screw me over.
Yeah, all right.
How was Vermont? Emily is incredible.
There are no words to describe her.
The whole weekend was like a dream.
And you! Rach! You were so right.
What? What you said about us finally being in a place where we could really be happy for each other.
I admit, I wasn't quite there.
The thought of you and that Josh guy Joshua.
Joshua guy at that club, dancing, having a good time.
And the thought of it kind of.
You know? But now! But now, I'm totally there.
I'm finally where you are.
Thank goodness! And thank you for Emily.
No problem.
I'm so glad I could help, you know? I'm happy for you.
Happy for you.
Oh, no, happy for you.
All right.
Here's what we'll do.
You are going to take off my clothes.
You two, go get the oils.
And you, just constantly scream "Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!" I want to be with her.
I like her.
That's fine.
Go with your instincts! What am I doing again? Pay attention.
I could wake up at any moment.
I'm Joshua.
I'm here to pick up Rachel.
That's not Joshua.
What do you want from me? I never met the guy.
I'm sorry you can't stay.
The rest of us have a lot of work to do.
What are you doing? All right, listen.
I got to wake up.