Friends s04e18 Episode Script
466620 - The One With Rachel's New Dress
It is true what they say: Pregnant bellies look like a drum.
I'm so pregnant that my guitar doesn't fit anymore.
So I'm going to play my songs on this drum.
It sounds really cool! Listen, listen.
Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? That sounds great! I know! And I've only been playing for an hour.
-What are you doing here? -I came to ask you a big favor.
Don't tell me you want to keep more stuff in my uterus.
Okay.
Now, see.
I want to name the girl baby Leslie.
And Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Jr.
, Jr.
Wouldn't that be Frank lll? Don't get me started.
Anyway, since there are three babies and we both got to put our names in we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
That's so nice! Cougar.
Think about it.
The One with Rachel's New Dress I left a bra drying in there.
Will your son think it's yours and be traumatized? Mommy can have a wife.
Daddy can have a bra.
It's time to go.
See, that clock's a little fast.
We still have 17 minutes.
What can we do in 17 minutes twice? Well, that's ambitious.
You can ignore that.
That's your son.
Believe me, when he's older, he'll understand.
I'll be right there.
This is Carol and Susan.
-It's so nice to finally meet you.
-You too.
-Susan will be in London next week.
-I've never been there.
-I'll show you around.
-Great! Also, I was hoping to catch a show.
Any suggestions? There's tons of terrific stuff.
I'll go with you.
Look at you two bonding.
Making us late for the airport.
Are you all right? It's just us getting along is difficult for him because he doesn't like me.
Come on.
That's.
It's true.
How did we lose? Do we have a baby name yet? No.
It's so hard! I went through this book and found nothing.
I want a name that's really strong and confident.
You know? LikeExxon! It certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
You want a strong name? How about The Hulk? I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like a name starting with "The".
You want a good name, go with Joey.
Joey's your pal, your buddy.
Where is everybody? They're hanging out with Joey! If you're going to name him Joey, you should name him Chandler.
Chandler's funny, sophisticated, and very lovable once you get to know him.
Joey's lovable too.
But with Joey, if you need him, he'll be there.
Chandler will be there too.
He might be a little late but he'll be there.
And he'll bring you cold soda if what you need him for is that you're really hot.
What do you say? I like the idea of naming him after someone I love.
Joey and Chandler are both great names.
All right, I don't Maybe I'll just name him The Hulk.
I shouldn't have mentioned it.
I wanted to name my kid that.
If you hoped to sleep with Joshua, which one would you wear? It creeps me out choosing other people's sex clothes.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited.
I've been waiting for months.
I got my hair colored.
I got new sheets.
I'm making him a very fancy meal.
What am I making him, by the way? A frisee salad with goat cheese and pine nuts wild rice, roasted asparagus and salmon en croute.
I thought I was making him filet mignon.
You decided to make salmon because you had some left over.
Then you realized if you bitched, then you would stop cooking and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
I really get crabby when I cook.
Why go through all this trouble? He's a guy.
You'd serve the potato and he'd still want to have sex with you.
That is not how I operate.
We've got to get a new game.
So Emily called last night.
And now you're giving me the message? Turns out that Emily is just crazy about Susan.
They're going to the theater together.
They're going to dinner.
They're going horseback riding! God, Susan is so fun! Look, this is just a little too familiar.
For six months before Carol and I split up all I heard was, "My friend Susan is so smart.
My friend Susan is so funny.
My friend Susan is so great.
" You think something could happen between Emily and Susan? Hey, they're going to the gym together! Two women stretching! They take a steam, things get playful.
Didn't you see Personal Best? No, but I'm gonna! Hi! You're crazy.
Emily is straight.
How do you know? We thought Carol was straight.
Yeah, definitely.
I don't like the name Ross.
What a weird way to kick me when I'm down! No, I meant for the baby.
What's wrong with Ross? Something like this would never happen to The Hulk, you know.
That's not true.
In The Incredible Hulk, number 72, Dr.
Bruce Banner found.
You know.
Never mind.
My girlfriend's a lesbian.
I'm definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.
You gotta pick Joey! Name one famous person named Chandler.
Raymond Chandler.
Someone you didn't make up.
There are no famous Joeys.
Except for Joey Buttafucco.
Yeah, that guy really hurt us.
How about a compromise then? What if it's Chan-no-ey? Joey? Think about it.
He'll never be President.
There will never be a President Joey.
I didn't want to bring this up.
Chandler is the stupidest name I've heard in my life! It's not a name! It's barely even a word.
It's like chandelier but it's not! Then, you put it together with Bing and forget about it.
It's a stupid, stupid, non-name! You're right.
I have a horrible, horrible name.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
So I guess it's Joey then.
This is so nice.
Thank you for doing this.
Please! Cooking soothes me.
So dig in! It all looks so good.
Oh, my God.
I know.
My God, this rice is so I am so good! Behind you.
They used to live here, and sometimes they migrate back over.
Is there some way that they could not be here? Farm birds really kind of freak me out! Here we go.
There you go! Hey! How'd you do that? All gone.
So, farm birds, huh? It's my only weird thing, I swear.
I would have told you.
I didn't know that they'd be here.
Can I serve you a little What? Nothing.
It's just that I know that they're still out there.
They're across the hall.
That's two doors away.
It'll take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
That's not funny.
Would you feel better if we went someplace else? We could pack this stuff up and go to your apartment.
They're working on it.
It's a mess.
I'm staying at my parents' house.
We could go there.
They're out of town.
It's a huge place, and it's got this gorgeous view.
It'd be very romantic.
-What do you say? -Yeah, that works.
They can smell the fear.
How's Ben? I asked if he wanted to eat.
He said no.
I asked if he wanted to sleep.
He said no.
I asked what he wanted to do.
He said no.
So he's sweeping.
Any word from Susan? She said she's having so much fun with Emily.
By the by, did it ever occur to you that maybe they might be having a little too much fun? What's too much fun? The kind of fun you and Susan had when we were married.
Oh, my God! You are so paranoid.
Am l? Am l? Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Carol, so were we.
Just imagine for a moment that Susan meets someone, and they hit it off.
They're coming back from the theater, and they stop at a pub for drinks.
They're laughing.
Someone innocently touches someone else.
There's electricity.
It's new.
It's exciting.
Are you saying there isn't the slightest possibility of something happening? -Maybe.
-Oh, my God! I didn't really believe it until you just said it! None of the other kids believed me, but I swear that duck pushed me.
This place is fabulous! This is the downstairs living room.
There's two living rooms? Growing up here, this place must have been a real babe magnet.
It would have been, but my parents just moved here.
You should know this place is a real babe magnet.
Want to make out? Why don't I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? That sounds like a plan.
Is there a place that I could go freshen up? Just down the hall and second door to your left.
-Hi, darling.
-What are you doing here? -We cut the trip short.
-France sucks! This may be a little weird, but I've got a date here.
Say no more.
We'll grab some food, go upstairs and be out of your hair.
That'd be great.
So you didn't get to ltaly? Yep.
Sucks! Hi, you! Oh, my God! I know.
I can do more than cook.
I like her.
She seems smart.
Rachel, my parents.
So nice to meet you.
Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.
What, this? Oh, no.
That's not what it is.
Okay, I work in fashion.
And this is a real dress, actually.
They're wearing it in Milan.
Part of my job is to wear the clothes and see how people respond.
Then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's.
Obviously, in this case I am going to report back: "U.
S.
A.
not ready.
" Maybe in L.
A.
There you go! Have you kids eaten yet? We were going to do that after.
I mean, next.
Why don't we all get something to eat? No use wasting this baby just lying around the house.
So we'll go eat.
You'll wear that.
We'll be eating and, of course, you'll be wearing that.
I am sorry about what I said.
Nope, you're right.
It is a ridiculous name! It's not bad.
Yes, it is! From now on, I have no first name.
You're just Bing? I have no name.
So what are we supposed to call you? Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me Clint.
No way are you cool enough to pull off "Clint.
" What name am l cool enough to pull off? Gene.
It's Clint.
It's Clint! Bye, Gene.
It's Clint! What's up with Gene? You wore your nightie to dinner? The best part was when the waiter spilled water down my back.
I jumped up and my boob popped out.
It's all right.
I got nice boobs.
I just picked up a message from Emily.
She and Susan are going to a poetry reading together.
-So? -So? Poetry? Susan's gay.
They're being gay together! Emily's straight.
Oh, wake up! Carol really messed you up.
Excuse me? She turned you into this untrusting, crazy, jealous sycophant! So I don't know what "sycophant" means, but the rest is right.
What are you talking about? I am not a crazy, jealous person.
She's right.
When we were together, you got upset about Mark, and there was nothing.
This makes sense.
It does not! In high school, you weren't jealous at all even though all your girlfriends cheated on you.
So up until '92, '93, he was very trusting.
Then '94 hit, Carol left him, and bam! Paranoid City! Absolutely! This is so fun! This is not fun! All we're trying to say is don't let what happened with Carol ruin what you've got with Emily.
The '92 Ross wouldn't.
I still think I was right about that Mark thing.
Well, you know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.
Drumroll.
All right.
Help! Am I a Mark or a John? You're not tall enough to be a Mark.
But you might make a good Barney.
Look, I am serious.
Tomorrow at 3:30, I'm going to the courthouse.
You're going through with this? This name has held me back my entire life.
It's why kids picked on me and why I never do well with women.
So tomorrow, I'll either be Mark Johnson or John Markson.
You've got problems because of you, not your name! This has got to stop! Chandler is a great name.
In fact.
I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to name the baby Joey.
I'm going to name the baby Chandler.
Really? But you have to keep the name too.
Okay, thanks! You want to hug it out? I'm going to go tell Frank and Alice right now! Bye, Pheebs! -Nice luggage.
-I was going to say.
I missed you too.
-Thanks, I had a great time.
-So did l.
No tongue.
I'm so pregnant that my guitar doesn't fit anymore.
So I'm going to play my songs on this drum.
It sounds really cool! Listen, listen.
Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? That sounds great! I know! And I've only been playing for an hour.
-What are you doing here? -I came to ask you a big favor.
Don't tell me you want to keep more stuff in my uterus.
Okay.
Now, see.
I want to name the girl baby Leslie.
And Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Jr.
, Jr.
Wouldn't that be Frank lll? Don't get me started.
Anyway, since there are three babies and we both got to put our names in we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
That's so nice! Cougar.
Think about it.
The One with Rachel's New Dress I left a bra drying in there.
Will your son think it's yours and be traumatized? Mommy can have a wife.
Daddy can have a bra.
It's time to go.
See, that clock's a little fast.
We still have 17 minutes.
What can we do in 17 minutes twice? Well, that's ambitious.
You can ignore that.
That's your son.
Believe me, when he's older, he'll understand.
I'll be right there.
This is Carol and Susan.
-It's so nice to finally meet you.
-You too.
-Susan will be in London next week.
-I've never been there.
-I'll show you around.
-Great! Also, I was hoping to catch a show.
Any suggestions? There's tons of terrific stuff.
I'll go with you.
Look at you two bonding.
Making us late for the airport.
Are you all right? It's just us getting along is difficult for him because he doesn't like me.
Come on.
That's.
It's true.
How did we lose? Do we have a baby name yet? No.
It's so hard! I went through this book and found nothing.
I want a name that's really strong and confident.
You know? LikeExxon! It certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
You want a strong name? How about The Hulk? I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like a name starting with "The".
You want a good name, go with Joey.
Joey's your pal, your buddy.
Where is everybody? They're hanging out with Joey! If you're going to name him Joey, you should name him Chandler.
Chandler's funny, sophisticated, and very lovable once you get to know him.
Joey's lovable too.
But with Joey, if you need him, he'll be there.
Chandler will be there too.
He might be a little late but he'll be there.
And he'll bring you cold soda if what you need him for is that you're really hot.
What do you say? I like the idea of naming him after someone I love.
Joey and Chandler are both great names.
All right, I don't Maybe I'll just name him The Hulk.
I shouldn't have mentioned it.
I wanted to name my kid that.
If you hoped to sleep with Joshua, which one would you wear? It creeps me out choosing other people's sex clothes.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited.
I've been waiting for months.
I got my hair colored.
I got new sheets.
I'm making him a very fancy meal.
What am I making him, by the way? A frisee salad with goat cheese and pine nuts wild rice, roasted asparagus and salmon en croute.
I thought I was making him filet mignon.
You decided to make salmon because you had some left over.
Then you realized if you bitched, then you would stop cooking and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
I really get crabby when I cook.
Why go through all this trouble? He's a guy.
You'd serve the potato and he'd still want to have sex with you.
That is not how I operate.
We've got to get a new game.
So Emily called last night.
And now you're giving me the message? Turns out that Emily is just crazy about Susan.
They're going to the theater together.
They're going to dinner.
They're going horseback riding! God, Susan is so fun! Look, this is just a little too familiar.
For six months before Carol and I split up all I heard was, "My friend Susan is so smart.
My friend Susan is so funny.
My friend Susan is so great.
" You think something could happen between Emily and Susan? Hey, they're going to the gym together! Two women stretching! They take a steam, things get playful.
Didn't you see Personal Best? No, but I'm gonna! Hi! You're crazy.
Emily is straight.
How do you know? We thought Carol was straight.
Yeah, definitely.
I don't like the name Ross.
What a weird way to kick me when I'm down! No, I meant for the baby.
What's wrong with Ross? Something like this would never happen to The Hulk, you know.
That's not true.
In The Incredible Hulk, number 72, Dr.
Bruce Banner found.
You know.
Never mind.
My girlfriend's a lesbian.
I'm definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.
You gotta pick Joey! Name one famous person named Chandler.
Raymond Chandler.
Someone you didn't make up.
There are no famous Joeys.
Except for Joey Buttafucco.
Yeah, that guy really hurt us.
How about a compromise then? What if it's Chan-no-ey? Joey? Think about it.
He'll never be President.
There will never be a President Joey.
I didn't want to bring this up.
Chandler is the stupidest name I've heard in my life! It's not a name! It's barely even a word.
It's like chandelier but it's not! Then, you put it together with Bing and forget about it.
It's a stupid, stupid, non-name! You're right.
I have a horrible, horrible name.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
So I guess it's Joey then.
This is so nice.
Thank you for doing this.
Please! Cooking soothes me.
So dig in! It all looks so good.
Oh, my God.
I know.
My God, this rice is so I am so good! Behind you.
They used to live here, and sometimes they migrate back over.
Is there some way that they could not be here? Farm birds really kind of freak me out! Here we go.
There you go! Hey! How'd you do that? All gone.
So, farm birds, huh? It's my only weird thing, I swear.
I would have told you.
I didn't know that they'd be here.
Can I serve you a little What? Nothing.
It's just that I know that they're still out there.
They're across the hall.
That's two doors away.
It'll take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
That's not funny.
Would you feel better if we went someplace else? We could pack this stuff up and go to your apartment.
They're working on it.
It's a mess.
I'm staying at my parents' house.
We could go there.
They're out of town.
It's a huge place, and it's got this gorgeous view.
It'd be very romantic.
-What do you say? -Yeah, that works.
They can smell the fear.
How's Ben? I asked if he wanted to eat.
He said no.
I asked if he wanted to sleep.
He said no.
I asked what he wanted to do.
He said no.
So he's sweeping.
Any word from Susan? She said she's having so much fun with Emily.
By the by, did it ever occur to you that maybe they might be having a little too much fun? What's too much fun? The kind of fun you and Susan had when we were married.
Oh, my God! You are so paranoid.
Am l? Am l? Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Carol, so were we.
Just imagine for a moment that Susan meets someone, and they hit it off.
They're coming back from the theater, and they stop at a pub for drinks.
They're laughing.
Someone innocently touches someone else.
There's electricity.
It's new.
It's exciting.
Are you saying there isn't the slightest possibility of something happening? -Maybe.
-Oh, my God! I didn't really believe it until you just said it! None of the other kids believed me, but I swear that duck pushed me.
This place is fabulous! This is the downstairs living room.
There's two living rooms? Growing up here, this place must have been a real babe magnet.
It would have been, but my parents just moved here.
You should know this place is a real babe magnet.
Want to make out? Why don't I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? That sounds like a plan.
Is there a place that I could go freshen up? Just down the hall and second door to your left.
-Hi, darling.
-What are you doing here? -We cut the trip short.
-France sucks! This may be a little weird, but I've got a date here.
Say no more.
We'll grab some food, go upstairs and be out of your hair.
That'd be great.
So you didn't get to ltaly? Yep.
Sucks! Hi, you! Oh, my God! I know.
I can do more than cook.
I like her.
She seems smart.
Rachel, my parents.
So nice to meet you.
Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.
What, this? Oh, no.
That's not what it is.
Okay, I work in fashion.
And this is a real dress, actually.
They're wearing it in Milan.
Part of my job is to wear the clothes and see how people respond.
Then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's.
Obviously, in this case I am going to report back: "U.
S.
A.
not ready.
" Maybe in L.
A.
There you go! Have you kids eaten yet? We were going to do that after.
I mean, next.
Why don't we all get something to eat? No use wasting this baby just lying around the house.
So we'll go eat.
You'll wear that.
We'll be eating and, of course, you'll be wearing that.
I am sorry about what I said.
Nope, you're right.
It is a ridiculous name! It's not bad.
Yes, it is! From now on, I have no first name.
You're just Bing? I have no name.
So what are we supposed to call you? Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me Clint.
No way are you cool enough to pull off "Clint.
" What name am l cool enough to pull off? Gene.
It's Clint.
It's Clint! Bye, Gene.
It's Clint! What's up with Gene? You wore your nightie to dinner? The best part was when the waiter spilled water down my back.
I jumped up and my boob popped out.
It's all right.
I got nice boobs.
I just picked up a message from Emily.
She and Susan are going to a poetry reading together.
-So? -So? Poetry? Susan's gay.
They're being gay together! Emily's straight.
Oh, wake up! Carol really messed you up.
Excuse me? She turned you into this untrusting, crazy, jealous sycophant! So I don't know what "sycophant" means, but the rest is right.
What are you talking about? I am not a crazy, jealous person.
She's right.
When we were together, you got upset about Mark, and there was nothing.
This makes sense.
It does not! In high school, you weren't jealous at all even though all your girlfriends cheated on you.
So up until '92, '93, he was very trusting.
Then '94 hit, Carol left him, and bam! Paranoid City! Absolutely! This is so fun! This is not fun! All we're trying to say is don't let what happened with Carol ruin what you've got with Emily.
The '92 Ross wouldn't.
I still think I was right about that Mark thing.
Well, you know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.
Drumroll.
All right.
Help! Am I a Mark or a John? You're not tall enough to be a Mark.
But you might make a good Barney.
Look, I am serious.
Tomorrow at 3:30, I'm going to the courthouse.
You're going through with this? This name has held me back my entire life.
It's why kids picked on me and why I never do well with women.
So tomorrow, I'll either be Mark Johnson or John Markson.
You've got problems because of you, not your name! This has got to stop! Chandler is a great name.
In fact.
I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to name the baby Joey.
I'm going to name the baby Chandler.
Really? But you have to keep the name too.
Okay, thanks! You want to hug it out? I'm going to go tell Frank and Alice right now! Bye, Pheebs! -Nice luggage.
-I was going to say.
I missed you too.
-Thanks, I had a great time.
-So did l.
No tongue.