Full House s04e18 Episode Script

The Wedding (1)

ALL RIGHT, MICHELLE, NOW, WHEN YOUR UNCLE JESSE AND YOUR SOON-TO-BE AUNT BECKY GET MARRIED, YOU HAVE THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB OF ALL-- FLOWER GIRL.
LOVING IT, LOVING IT.
WHAT IS A FLOWER GIRL? WELL, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, A FLOWER GIRL IS A GIRL WHO THROWS FLOWERS.
I BELIEVE IT.
NOW, YOU JUST STAND RIGHT OVER HERE, HONEY, AND YOU WATCH AS I DEMONSTRATE.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
WE SIMPLY STEP AND THROW.
STEP AND THROW.
THERE.
NOW, YOU TRY IT, HONEY.
* HERE COMES MICHELLE * * HERE COMES MICHELLE ** VERY GOOD, HONEY.
THAT'S ENOUGH, SWEETHEART.
I GOT THE POINT.
YOU'RE WASTING TISSUES, HONEY.
PLEASE, MICHELLE, HONEY.
HONEY, IT'S NOT FUNNY, SWEETHEART.
THESE WERE TREES ONCE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
* WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY * * EVENIN' TV? * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART * * THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' * * TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DO BE DO BA BA DA ** D.
J.
: READY! ANDACTION! D.
J.
TANNER PRESENTS THE MAKING OF A WEDDING, A D.
J.
TANNER PRODUCTION OF A D.
J.
TANNER FILM, WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY D.
J.
TANNER.
CUT! AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING? OH, YEAH.
SORRY.
ACTION! HOSTED BY D.
J.
TANNER.
HI, I'M D.
J.
TANNER.
CUT AGAIN! WHAT ABOUT ME? THIS VIDEO IS A WEDDING GIFT FROM ME, TOO, YOU KNOW.
OK, I SEE WE HAVE SOME EGO PROBLEMS HERE.
LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
ACTION! D.
J.
AND STEPHANIE PRESENT THE MAKING OF A WEDDING.
IT'S THE NIGHT BEFORE VALENTINE'S DAY.
TOMORROW, JESSE KATSOPOLIS AND REBECCA DONALDSON ARE GETTING MARRIED.
THE TANNER HOUSEHOLD IS ABUZZ WITH PREWEDDING EXCITEMENT.
Becky: WHERE'S JESSE? JESS! WHERE'S MICHELLE? MICHELLE! WHERE'S EVERYBODY? THAT WAS THE BLUSHING BRIDE-TO-BE HERSELF.
ISN'T SHE RADIANT? I ASKED JESSE TO BE HERE TO MEET MY PARENTS.
HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME? BECKY, WE'RE TAPING THIS.
HELLO.
EVERYTHING IS FINE, RUNNING SMOOTH AS SILK.
THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
I WAS COLORING.
LOOK.
IT'S THE FLOWER GIRL, MICHELLE.
SMILE, MICHELLE.
PLEASE, NO PICTURES.
MY HAIR IS A MESS.
MICHELLE, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
DO YOU REMEMBER MY NEPHEW HOWIE? HOWIE? NO.
WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER MY SISTER CONNIE? CONNIE? NO AGAIN.
WHEN YOU WERE 2 YEARS OLD, CONNIE BROUGHT HOWIE HERE TO VISIT.
YOU GUYS WERE BEST FRIENDS.
I GOT A BEST FRIEND? THAT'S COOL.
COME ON IN, CONNIE.
HOWIE, LOOK, IT'S MICHELLE.
YOU'RE A BOY.
YOU'RE A GIRL.
EEW! EEW! YOU KNOW, MICHELLE, SOMEDAY, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE BOYS.
BUT NOT TODAY.
MICHELLE, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW HOWIE YOUR ROOM? WHY? BECAUSE HOWIE IS GONNA SLEEP OVER IN YOUR ROOM TONIGHT.
EEW! EEW! YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN.
I HOPE SHE HAS GOOD TOYS.
HEY, DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF, YOU BOY.
STEPH, COME ON, LET'S FOLLOW THE ACTION.
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOBODY'S GONNA SEE ME ON THIS TAPE.
HI, I'M STEPHANIE TANNER-- NIECE OF THE GROOM, BRIDESMAID, CAMERA WOMAN.
I PRETTY MUCH DO IT ALL.
WILL YOU COME ON? BECKY.
I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY TUXEDO.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
THE TAILOR ASSURED ME THE ALTERATIONS WOULD BE PERFECT.
WELL, MAYBE I HIT ANOTHER GROWTH SPURT.
[DOORBELL RINGS] MY PARENTS.
WHERE IS JESSE? WHERE'S BECKY? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? OH, THANK GOD.
I THOUGHT I WAS SHRINKING.
MOM.
HI, DARLING.
HI, DAD.
WHAT TOOK YOU GUYS SO LONG? I THOUGHT YOU WERE RIGHT BEHIND ME.
WE WERE UNTIL I GOT CUT OFF BY SOME CRAZED MOTORCYCLE HOODLUM IN BLACK LEATHER.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I GOT STUCK BEHIND SOME WALNUT DRIVING 6 MILES AN HOUR.
THAT'S THE HOODLUM! THAT'S THE WALNUT.
UH, NO.
THAT'S MY DAD, AND THAT'S MY FIANCÉ.
WELL, ISN'T IT A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL? IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, JESSE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MRS.
DONALDSON.
YOU'D BETTER START CALLING ME MOM.
NAH, I'D FEEL FUNNY.
I SAID CALL ME MOM.
OK, MOM.
AND IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU POP? YOU CAN CALL ME MR.
DONALDSON.
YOU KNOW, YOU WERE DRIVING A LITTLE FAST THERE, YOUNG MAN.
WELL, MAYBE IT JUST SEEMED THAT WAY 'CAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING A TAD ON THE SLOW SIDE, SIR.
I WAS KEEPING UP WITH THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC.
AH, BUT PARKED CARS DON'T COUNT AS TRAFFIC.
I ALWAYS SAY BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
AND I ALWAYS SAY MOVING IS BETTER THAN STANDING STILL.
OH, YOU HATE EACH OTHER! OHH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY? WE DON'T HATE EACH OTHER.
WATCH--WATCH THIS.
POP! SON! SEE THAT? THERE.
BUT YOU DON'T MEAN IT.
OH, IT'S OK, SWEETHEART.
THEY'LL GROW TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
WE'LL MAKE THEM.
NOW, YOU JUST SIT RIGHT HERE, AND I'LL GO GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER.
AND YOU TWO HUG LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE HECK? WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE? OH, NOTHING.
UH, WE WERE JUST EXCHANGING PANTS.
BUT IN A GOOD WAY.
YOU SEE, WE WERE WEARING EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES.
MOM, DAD, THIS IS JOEY GLADSTONE AND MY CO-HOST, DANNY TANNER.
REMEMBER THOSE TAPES OF OUR SHOW I SENT YOU? OH, OF COURSE.
YOU LOOK TALLER WITHOUT YOUR PANTS.
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.
AW, WE MISSED EVERYTHING.
NICE LOOK, DAD.
EXCUSE US.
JESS, COULD I SEE YOU A MOMENT? JESS, I JUST WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT.
THE TUXEDOS DON'T FIT, MICHELLE'S UPSET BECAUSE HOWIE'S A BOY, YOU AND MY DAD HATE EACH OTHER.
OH, SWEETHEART.
I ADMIT IT WASN'T LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, BUT YOU WEREN'T CRAZY ABOUT ME THE FIRST TIME WE MET.
GUESS IT JUST RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY.
LOOK, I PROMISE YOU I'LL BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR DAD.
YOU PROMISE? I PROMISE.
ALL THAT STUFF, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
ALL THAT MATTERS IS TOMORROW AT 10 A.
M.
, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE HUSBAND AND WIFE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
THE LAST KISS BEFORE THE BIG "I DO"-- A MOMENT TO BE TREASURED.
I'M D.
J.
TANNER.
[SIGH] I AM RAPHAEL, THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE.
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
I SAID EXCUSE ME! BE QUIET, SHREDDER, YOU BAD GUY.
LET'S PLAY BARBIE DOLLS.
I COULD PULL HER HEAD OFF.
DROP THAT DOLL, YOU TURTLE.
THIS IS NUTS.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
WHAT DID I DO? BOYS.
I DO.
I DO.
HO, I DO.
HI, JESS.
HELLO, MR.
DONALDSON.
OH, CALL ME KENNETH.
KENNETH, LISTEN, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
WE GOT KIND OF OFF TO A BAD START, DIDN'T WE? LISTEN, YOU'RE GONNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
WE NEED TO START ACTING LIKE FAMILY.
GREAT.
CAN YOU LOAN ME 10 BUCKS? A LITTLE SON/FATHER-IN-LAW HUMOR.
YEAH.
JESS, WE NEED TO TALK.
YES.
YES, WE DO.
LISTEN, SIR, I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER VERY, VERY MUCH.
I'M GONNA TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF HER, I PROMISE.
WHICH REMINDS ME, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU RIDE A MOTORCYCLE, YOU PLAY IN A ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND, YOU WEAR CLOTHES THAT SHOULD BE WALLETS.
THERE'S MUCH MORE TO ME THAN THAT, SIR.
I'M ALSO AN ELVIS FREAK.
I GOT A BIG COLOR OF HIM HERE.
BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S FINE, SON, BUT YOU'RE MARRYING MY BABY TOMORROW.
YOU GOT TO PUT THAT NONSENSE BEHIND YOU.
THIS WOULDN'T BE YOU TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE, WOULD IT? NO, I AM JUST OFFERING YOU THE BENEFIT OF MY EXPERIENCE.
YOU KNOW, YOU AND I ARE A LOT ALIKE.
OH, YEAH.
WE'RE TWO PEAS IN A POD.
EXACTLY.
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I WAS A WILD ONE, JUST LIKE YOU.
NO.
YES.
BEFORE I SETTLED DOWN TO FARMING, I WAS ON THE RODEO CIRCUIT.
I COULD HOG-TIE A CALF IN UNDER 7 SECONDS.
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED-- THIS IS A MYSTERY-- IF IT'S HOG-TIE, AND IT'S A CALF, WHY DON'T THEY CALL IT CALF-TIE? STAY WITH ME, SON.
I'M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS, OK? NOW, WHEN I MARRIED NEDRA, I HAD TO HANG UP MY SPURS AND SETTLE DOWN.
AND SO WILL YOU.
I WILL? SURE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE A HUSBAND WITH A WIFE, RESPONSIBILITIES, COMMITMENTS.
THAT'S PRETTY HEAVY, ISN'T IT? GETS HEAVIER.
YOU PLAN ON HAVING KIDS SOMEDAY? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU PICTURE THIS.
YOU'RE HOLDING YOUR LITTLE BABY BOY.
JESSE JUNIOR? JESSE JUNIOR.
AND ONE LOOK INTO THAT SWEET, INNOCENT FACE, AND YOU'LL BE TRADING IN YOUR HARLEY FOR A SENSIBLE FAMILY STATION WAGON.
I'M DRIVING A STATION WAGON? WITH ONE OF THOSE GARFIELD DOLLS SUCKERED TO THE WINDOW.
AM I LISTENING TO TALK RADIO? ALL FIVE BUTTONS.
AAH.
SON, WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOU'VE HAD YOUR LAST WILD ADVENTURE, SOWED YOUR LAST WILD OAT, RODE YOUR LAST BUCKING BRONCO.
GET THE POINT? IT'S OVER.
CASE CLOSED, KISS IT GOODBYE, THE FAT LADY SANG-- I GOT IT, YEAH.
NOW, IF YOU'VE GOT ANY DOUBTS, YOU BETTER NOT WALK DOWN THAT AISLE TOMORROW.
UNDERSTAND? YES, SIR.
WELL, YOU SLEEP TIGHT.
WHOA.
JESS, IT'S 7:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? SHH! JOSEPH, TRUST ME.
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED IN THREE HOURS.
YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED, AREN'T YOU? COME ON.
I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT.
THE AIRPORT? YES.
NOW COME ON! SHH! MICHELLE? MICHELLE.
HONEY, WAKE UP.
HAVE YOU SEEN UNCLE JESSE? NO "GOOD MORNING, MICHELLE"? I'M SORRY.
GOOD MORNING, MICHELLE.
NOW, HAVE YOU SEEN UNCLE JESSE? NO GOOD MORNING KISS? WHAT WAS I THINKING? THERE.
NOW, HAVE YOU SEEN UNCLE JESSE? NO, BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
I KNEW SHE WAS SETTING ME UP.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] JESSE? HOLA, MR.
T.
KIMMY, I'M GOING THROUGH A MAJOR CRISIS RIGHT NOW.
HEY, WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS.
D.
J.
! I GOT TO BUILD A MOAT.
KIMMY, WHAT IS IT? D.
J.
, WHAT SHOULD I WEAR TO THE WEDDING? THIS DRESS WITH THESE SHOES OR THIS DRESS WITH THESE SHOES? KIMMY, THOSE ARE MY CLOTHES.
THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING YOU.
I FOUND A NOTE FROM UNCLE JESSE.
READ IT, STEPH.
WAIT.
I WANT TO GET THIS ON OUR WEDDING VIDEOTAPE.
OK, I'M READY.
ACTION.
"DEAR FAMILY, "YOU MUST BE WONDERING WHERE I WENT.
"I KIDNAPPED JOEY, "BUT WE'LL BE BACK FOR THE WEDDING.
"THERE WAS ONE LAST THING I HAD TO DO BEFORE I GOT MARRIED.
JESSE.
" LET ME DO THAT AGAIN.
I CAN DO BETTER.
"DEAR FAMILY"-- STEPH! OH, MAN.
JESSE'S GETTING MARRIED IN TWO HOURS.
WHERE THE HECK COULD HE BE? JESS, YOU'RE TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR MIND.
I KNOW.
I SAID I'D NEVER GET IN A PLANE WITH YOU.
NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT SKYDIVING.
IT'S CRAZY.
PEOPLE SAY IT'S THE ULTIMATE RUSH.
I TOOK ALL THE LESSONS, BUT I NEVER JUMPED 'CAUSE IT WAS TOO WINDY.
JOSEPH, I'VE GOT TO HAVE THIS ONE LAST ADVENTURE BEFORE I GET MARRIED.
DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ON YOUR WEDDING DAY? THIS IS THE LAST HOUR OF MY LIFE AS A SINGLE GUY.
PRETTY SOON, I'M GONNA BE MARRIED.
I'M GONNA HAVE A FAMILY WITH ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES.
I MEAN, WHAT AM I GONNA DO THEN, JUMP OUT OF A STATION WAGON? WELL, YOU COULD.
YOUR CHUTE MIGHT NOT OPEN IN TIME.
JOEY, LOOK, I HAVE TO DO THIS LAST CRAZY THING BEFORE GIVING IT UP FOR THE WOMAN I LOVE.
ISN'T FLYING WITH ME CRAZY ENOUGH? NO.
HOW ABOUT WHEN I DO THIS? AAH! DON'T DO THAT! I GOT THIS ALL PLANNED OUT.
I STASHED MY HARLEY, I GOT MY TUX ON.
I DO THE JUMP, HOP ON MY HARLEY, CRUISE TO THE CHAPEL IN JUST ENOUGH TIME TO REMOUSSE MY HAIR AND SAY "I DO.
" A GREAT PLAN.
CAN I MAKE ONE LITTLE SUGGESTION? WHAT? SNAP OUT OF IT.
JOEY, THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO FOR MYSELF, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
WELL HAVE A SAFE TRIP.
GOOD LUCK, BUDDY.
THANKS, PAL.
OH, AND JOSEPH, IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG I WANT YOU TO MARRY BECKY.
WHOA.
HAVE MERCY! OH, MY GOD.
HE JUMPED WITHOUT HIS MOUSSE.
DID I FORGET MY MOUSSE? THIS IS D.
J.
TANNER LIVE AT THE CHAPEL, AND THERE'S STILL NO SIGN OF THE GROOM.
DAD, HOW DO YOU FEEL? OH, I FEEL VERY CONFIDENT THAT JESSE WILL ARRIVE RIGHT ON TIME IN THE NEXT IS THAT WHY YOU'RE NOT TELLING BECKY WHAT'S GOING ON? NO, THAT'S BECAUSE I'M CHICKEN.
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
DAD IS CHICKEN.
THE FLOWER GIRL IS HERE.
OOH.
I'M READY FOR THE VIDEO.
MY HAIR LOOKS FANTASTIC.
DO SOMETHING.
NOW I'LL DO MY FISH FACE.
HEY, MICHELLE, WHERE'S HOWIE? WHO CARES? THAT BOY IS CRAZY.
HELLO, MICHELLE.
HELLO-O-O, HOWIE.
YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY.
YOU'RE A HUNK.
WHAT'S A HUNK? THAT'S WHAT D.
J.
CALLS THE PAPER BOY.
UH, CUT, CUT.
EVERYTHING'S READY UP FRONT.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S VERY GOOD.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? OH, THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
YOU'RE LYING.
I CAN TELL BY THE WAY YOU WON'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? OK, THERE'S A LITTLE PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW HOW EVERY WEDDING HAS A BRIDE AND A GROOM? WELL, YOU TAKE AWAY THE GROOM, AND THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
YOU TOOK AWAY THE GROOM? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW.
HA! WHY AREN'T WE STARTING? DANNY, IS SOMETHING WRONG? WRONG? OH, NO, NOTHING'S WRONG.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG? EVERYTHING'S TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL.
THEN WHY WON'T YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE? WE'RE, UH, WE'RE NOT ALL HERE YET.
WELL, WHO'S MISSING? I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
YES, MICHELLE? UNCLE JESSE IS MISSING.
OH, MY GOD.
STAY CALM.
JUST BECAUSE THE GROOM'S NOT HERE, I AM NOT GONNA LET THAT RUIN MY WEDDING DAY.
MOM.
OH, HONEY.
WHEW! MADE IT.
WHERE'S JESSE? WHERE'S JESSE? UH-OH.
JOEY, WHERE IS HE? HE MUST HAVE STOPPED OFF FOR A CAN OF MOUSSE.
OH, THANK GOODNESS.
YEAH, HE FORGOT IT WHEN HE JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
HE JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE? IT'S OK.
I TOOK HIM SKYDIVING.
LAST TIME I SAW HIM, HE WAS FLOATING SAFELY TO THE EARTH.
YOU TOOK HIM SKYDIVING? WELL, THEN, WHERE IS HE? WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM? DON'T WORRY.
HE SAID IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, I SHOULD MARRY YOU MYSELF.
MOM! IT'S ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE.
HELP! HELP! BECKY, I'M COMING! DON'T MARRY JOEY! HELP! HELP! CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL