Get Smart (1965) s01e28 Episode Script
Ship of Spies (2)
( gunshots ) MAX, WHAT'S HAPPENING? ANSWER ME! LISTEN, 99, THIS MAY BE A LITTLE OPTIMISTIC, BUT IF I CAN HOLD OUT UNTIL MORNING - AT LEAST I CAN SEE WHO'S SHOOTING AT-- - ( gunshot ) MAX, DO YOU NEED HELP? NO NO, I WOULDN'T COME UP HERE, 99.
- ( gunshot ) - IT'S A ROTTEN NIGHT.
HOLD ON, MAX, I'M COMING RIGHT UP.
MY DOOR'S LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I CAN'T OPEN IT.
( screams ) MAX! WHERE ARE YOU?! IN THE WATER! HANG ON, MAX! ( air hissing ) Max: 99, HURRY! HANG ON, MAX! Max: 99, HURRY! I CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER! HERE IT COMES, MAX! THAT'S IT, MAX.
HANG ON, YOU'RE ALMOST HERE.
COME ON, MAX, A LITTLE FURTHER.
- OH.
- ( panting ) - FAST WORK, 99.
- MAX, CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE PORTHOLE? I DON'T THINK SO.
CAN YOU HANG ON UNTIL I GET SOME HELP? - YES, BUT HURRY UP, 99.
- RIGHT, MAX.
MAX, WOULD YOU LIKE AN UMBRELLA? NO, 99, FORGET THE UMBRELLA.
HURRY UP, GET HELP.
I CAN'T HANG ON MUCH LONGER.
RIGHT, MAX.
BUT MAX, THE DOOR'S LOCKED.
SHOOT IT OFF! RIGHT.
OH, MAX.
( theme music playing ) ( foghorn blaring ) THAT THIS IS THE SECTION OF THE RAIL THAT GAVE WAY.
I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT, MAX.
BUT LOOK, THERE'S NOT A SIGN OF ANY DAMAGE.
YES, WELL JUST PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND THAT MEANS-- THAT SOMEONE FIXED IT QUIETLY DURING THE NIGHT.
OR ELSE THE ENTIRE SHIP HAS BEEN REPLACED.
- OH, MAX.
- WELL, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ALL POSSIBILITIES, 99.
( clip-clopping ) - DID YOU BRING YOUR PORTABLE HAIR DRYER WITH YOU? - YES, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
- LET'S GO AND CONTACT THE CHIEF.
- RIGHT.
COME ON, WE'LL GO OVER HERE.
( clip-clopping ) THIS IS 99 CALLING CONTROL.
COME IN, CONTROL.
HELLO, 99, THIS IS THE CHIEF.
GIVE ME YOUR REPORT.
WELL, HERE'S THE SITUATION, CHIEF.
LAST NIGHT SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL MAX.
Chief: How is he? OH, HE'S FINE, CHIEF, JUST FINE.
HAVE YOU ESTABLISHED CONTACT WITH INSPECTOR SEHOKIAN? - 99: He's dead, Chief.
- DEAD?HOW'D IT HAPPEN? HE WAS STABBED LAST NIGHT JUST ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER WE SAILED.
- WAS HE ABLE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING? - WELL, JUST BEFORE HE DIED HE TRIED TO TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP.
DID HE TELL YOU WHO STOLE THEM? NO, ALL HE SAID WAS THAT THE PLANS ARE NOT PLANS.
- AND WHAT ABOUT SUSPECTS? - THERE'S A SENORITA MERENDEZ WHO'S A SPANISH DANCER.
AND THERE'S A HECTOR BACCARDO, A PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER.
- LET ME TALK TO 86.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
MAX, HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
HI, CHIEF, THIS IS MAX.
Chief: Max, are there any clues? NO, CHIEF, JUST THAT CLIP-CLOP SOUND I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
DOES ANYONE ONBOARD MAKE THAT NOISE? EVERYONE ONBOARD MAKES THAT NOISE.
MAX I THINK I'LL GET A HELICOPTER AND COME OUT THERE.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, CHIEF, I CAN HANDLE THIS CASE.
WE CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE OF THOSE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS.
WE MUST FIND THEM.
DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
I'LL FIND 'EM.
AND WHEN I DO, I'LL CONTACT YOU.
OKAY.
BUT TRY TO KEEP YOUR IDENTITY AS SECRET AS POSSIBLE.
DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
I KNOW HOW TO BE INCONSPIC-- --UOUS.
WITH ALL THIS DAMPNESS IN THE AIR, I CAN NEVER DO A THING WITH MY HAIR.
YEAH, THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
YES, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT STARTS TO CURL UP ON THE-- MAX! COME ON, 99.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
MAX, LOOK OUT! MAX! THIS WAS AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT ON YOUR LIFE.
EITHER THAT, OR SOMEBODY ELSE WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS CHAIR.
LOOK, MAX, THEY GOT OUR RADIO.
- NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - I'M GOING DOWN TO SEE THE CAPTAIN.
- DO YOU THINK IT'LL DO ANY GOOD? - WELL, I DON'T KNOW, 99, BUT WE'VE GOTTA TAKE THE CHANCE.
HE MAY KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE OTHER PASSENGERS THAT WE DON'T.
RIGHT.
MAX, LOOK! THERE'S GROMAN'S CHINESE SERVANT.
( clip-clopping ) PARDON ME, MATE.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND CAPTAIN GROMAN? ( speaks Chinese ) HE'S GOT A VERY BAD SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
IT'S CHINESE, MAX.
THAT'S THE WORST KIND.
( speaks Chinese ) ( speaking Chinese ) WHAT DID HE SAY? ( speaks Chinese ) - OH, THE CAPTAIN'S IN HIS CABIN.
WELL, I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
YOU STAY UP HERE - AND SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP HIM BUSY FOR A FEW MINUTES.
- RIGHT.
( speaks Chinese ) - ( knocking ) - AVAST! HARD TO STARBOARD! FULL RUDDER! WATCH YOUR STERN! PARDON ME, CAPTAIN.
I WONDER IF I COULD HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.
COME FORWARD, SIR, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
- CAPTAIN, I'D LIKE TO-- - DON'T BE AFRAID, SIR.
THIS OLD SEA MONSTER HAS LOST MOST OF HIS TEETH A LONG TIME AGO.
- YES, WELL-- - 35 YEARS OF WIND AND SALT SPRAY IN THIS BATTERED OLD FACE; THESE EYES STARING INTO THE BLINDING SUN OR INKY DARKNESS.
BUT THE OLD WALRUS HASN'T LOST HIS BARK.
THE SWABBIES STILL JUMP AT THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE.
HARD TO PORT, ALL FULL AHEAD! AREN'T YOU GONNA WRITE ANY OF THIS DOWN? YES, BUT-- WRITE IT DOWN?! NO, CAPTAIN, YOU SEE, I JUST WANTED TO TALK WITH YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE.
AREN'T YOU THE FELLOW FROM THE MAGAZINE? I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND YOU, CAPTAIN.
THE MAN FROM "TIME" MAGAZINE, THE ONE WHO'S GONNA INTERVIEW ME.
I THINK YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE, SIR.
OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE WAITED SO LONG.
THEY'VE NEVER WRITTEN ME UP.
NIMITZ, HALSEY, RICKOVER.
ALL OF THEM.
THE ADMIRALS, THE CAPTAINS, THE COMMODORES, ALL OF THEM BUT ME.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- YOU'RE SORRY! IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! YOU HAVEN'T SPENT A LIFETIME AT SEA! HATING IT! SEASICK ALL THE TIME! THE SOUND OF THE WAVES! THE CONSTANT DAMPNESS! THE ROLLING OF THE SHIP! UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN! AND UP AND DOWN-- I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN, BUT DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FOR A MOMENT? OF COURSE.
NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WELL, CAPTAIN, I NEED YOUR HELP.
BUT FIRST I MUST REVEAL TO YOU SOME INFORMATION THAT IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
YOU MAY CONSIDER ME THE SOUL OF DISCRETION.
MY NAME IS MAXWELL SMART.
I SHALL NEVER BREATHE IT TO ANOTHER LIVING SOUL.
- UH, NO, SIR, THAT'S NOT IT.
- PLEASE CONTINUE.
WELL, YOU SEE I'M A SECRET AGENT WORKING FOR - CONTROL.
- CONTROL? YOU WORK FOR CONTROL? - YOU'VE HEARD OF IT? - NO.
OH.
CAPTAIN, SOMEBODY ONBOARD YOUR SHIP HAS STOLEN THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP.
MR.
SMART, I CAN VOUCH FOR MY CREW.
I KNOW EACH MAN AS THOUGH HE WERE MY OWN BROTHER.
WHY, THEY'RE THE PICK OF THE SCUM OF EUROPE! WELL YOU SEE, SIR, IT'S NOT ONE OF YOUR CREW.
IT'S ONE OF THE PASSENGERS.
WHOEVER IT IS HAS ALREADY KILLED TWO MEN, ONE RIGHT HERE ONBOARD THIS SHIP LAST NIGHT! YOU MEAN THERE IS A DEAD PERSON ONBOARD MY SHIP? - YES SIR.
- HMM.
THAT MAY BE AN OMEN OF BAD LUCK.
ISN'T THAT KIND OF AN OLD SUPERSTITION, CAPTAIN? TRY TELLING THAT TO THE CORPSE! YES.
CAPTAIN, I'VE GOT TO GET THOSE PLANS BACK.
SO FAR THE KILLER AND THIEF HAS ONLY LEFT ME ONE CLUE-- AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DO ANYTHING WITH THAT YET.
AND WHAT'S THAT, SIR? WELL, WHEN HE WALKS HE MAKES A STRANGE KIND OF A CLIP-CLOP SOUND.
- A CLIP-CLOP SOUND? - YES, A CLIP-CLOP SOUND.
REST ASSURED, SIR I SHALL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ASSIST YOU.
MY SERVANT MING CAN HELP US.
PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN HIM.
OH YES, THE BIG CHINESE FELLA.
CHINESE? GOOD HEAVENS, OF COURSE! HE'S CHINESE! I WONDERED WHY HE WAS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT HE HAD A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
YES.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP, CAPTAIN.
DON'T THANK ME, SIR.
IT'LL BE A PLEASURE TO HELP YOU.
PERHAPS IT WILL RELIEVE THE MONOTONY OF THE VOYAGE.
AND I SHALL LISTEN FOR THAT SOUND YOU TOLD ME ABOUT.
YES, A CLIP-CLOP NOISE.
YES, A CLIP-CLOP NOISE.
( clip-clopping ) ( buzzes ) ( phone rings ) - YES, MAX.
- HELLO, 99? I JUST TRIED TO CALL YOU AND YOUR LINE WAS BUSY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS CLEANING MY GUN.
WELL BE CAREFUL.
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AROUND HERE.
MAX, DID YOU FIND OUT ANYTHING FROM CAPTAIN GROMAN? NO, BUT HE'S GONNA TRY AND HELP US.
( water splashes ) HOLD IT, 99.
THERE'S A MESSAGE WRITTEN ON MY PORTHOLE.
MUST BE FROM 44.
MAX, THERE'S A MESSAGE ON MY PORTHOLE TOO.
MINE SAYS, "UNLESS PURSUED, OPEN NO DOORS.
" AND MINE SAYS, "EELS CAN KILL, NOT ONLY WOUND.
" I THINK 44 IS FINALLY CRACKING UP.
MAX, IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF CODE.
HE MUST BE TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.
Max: But what? MAX, TELL ME THE FIRST LETTER OF EVERY WORD IN YOUR MESSAGE.
"U, P, O, N, D.
" AND MINE ARE "E, C, K, N, O, W.
" AND PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER AND THEY SPELL MAX! "UP ON DECK NOW.
" TO MEET HIM! RIGHT, 99.
NOW LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY-- WE'VE GOT TO GET UP THERE AND CONTACT 44.
BUT I WANT YOU TO LEAVE YOUR STATEROOM WITHOUT BEING OBSERVED BY ANYBODY.
- HAVE YOU GOT THAT? - RIGHT, MAX.
- I'LL SEE YOU UP THERE THEN.
- RIGHT.
OVER AND OUT.
( knocks ) - ( bangs ) - 44? WE'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE, MAX.
I DON'T THINK HE'S UP HERE.
NEITHER DO I.
- WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? - WE'RE LOOKING FOR AGENT 44.
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO GET HERE? FIRST OF ALL WE HAD TO DECODE THAT MESSAGE YOU LEFT ON THE PORTHOLE.
OH, WAS IT HARD? YOU KNOW, SECRET MESSAGES ARE ONE OF MY SPECIALTIES.
I'VE SEEN HARDER.
MAX FIGURED IT OUT RIGHT AWAY.
WELL, YOU WAIT UNTIL NEXT TIME.
I'VE GOT A HUMDINGER.
YOU'LL NEVER GET IT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, 44? WHAT GOOD IS A SECRET MESSAGE IF NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND IT? LISTEN, 86, I DON'T HAVE MUCH FUN ON THIS JOB.
THERE'S NO MINGLING WITH THE GLAMOROUS PASSENGERS, NO DECK TENNIS, NO GALA EVENINGS AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE.
NO NO, NOT FOR ME.
TAKE IT EASY, 44.
TAKE IT EASY.
I MEAN, A SPY CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH-- FUNNELS AND PORTHOLES AND SLEEPING IN THE CARGO HOLD.
HIDING, ALWAYS HIDING! ( crying ) I WANT TO COME IN FROM THE COLD! ( sobs quietly ) WE UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, 44, HONESTLY WE DO.
BUT YOU'VE REALLY GOT TO TRY TO GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
HERE, BLOW.
( foghorn blows ) TAKE IT EASY, 44.
NOW WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US? - YOU WON'T TELL THEM ABOUT THIS BACK AT HEADQUARTERS? - OH, OF COURSE NOT.
WE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH.
THE CHIEF WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO HAVE A GOOD CRY.
TRY TELLING THAT TO THE CHIEF.
HE HATES TO HAVE HIS MEN CRY.
- HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
- IT'LL BE OUR SECRET.
YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF SECRET INFORMATION FOR US? OH YES, ALMOST FORGOT.
YOU KNOW THAT PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER? - HECTOR BACCARDO.
- THE ONE IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
RIGHT.
WELL HE'S NOT WHAT HE PRETENDS TO BE.
- I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! - HE'S POLISH.
OF COURSE.
PORTUGUESE ARE TERRIBLE POLO PLAYERS! AND HE KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE STOLEN PLANS.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? - I WAS UP ON DECK TODAY TAKING A LITTLE SUNTAN IN THAT SMOKESTACK OVER THERE.
BACCARDO WAS TALKING TO THAT SENORITA MERENDEZ.
- WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT? - ABOUT THE PLANS.
HE SAID TO HER THAT IF YOU'LL HELP ME I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE.
- GO ON.
WHAT ELSE? - AND HE SAID THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW WHERE THE PLANS WERE HIDDEN BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T PLANS.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - I THINK I KNOW.
WELL, GO AHEAD AND TELL US.
I BET YOU DON'T THINK I'M SO INEPT NOW, DO YOU? I NEVER SAID YOU WERE INEPT, 44.
NO NO, BUT I CAN READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
LOOK, 44, ARE YOU GONNA TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW? NO.
IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW I'M GONNA TELL THE CHIEF ABOUT YOUR CRYING.
- YOU WOULDN'T.
- JUST TRY ME.
OKAY, HERE IT IS-- IF THE PLANS AREN'T PLANS, THEN THEY'RE PROBABLY-- - ( gunshot ) - ( 44 groans ) AND TAKE CARE OF 44.
- I'M GOING AFTER HIM.
- BE CAREFUL, MAX.
COME ON, 44, I'LL GET YOU OUT OF THERE.
HOLD ON, NOW.
BACCARDO! WELL, I SEE YOU CAN WALK.
NOT ONLY CAN I WALK, MR.
SMART, BUT I CAN ALSO KILL.
I'M WARNING YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WHEELCHAIR.
MISSED! AND YOU'RE ALL OUT OF WHEELCHAIRS.
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT UP YOUR SLEEVE, BACCARDO? I HAD TO ASK.
( grunts ) MAX! BACCARDO! HE'S OUT OF HIS WHEELCHAIR.
YES, AND HE'S BEEN ACTING VERY SUSPICIOUSLY.
AND KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
I'M GOING TO MAKE A COMPLETE REPORT OF THIS TO THE CAPTAIN AND SEE IF I CAN USE THE SHIP'S RADIO TO CONTACT CONTROL.
RIGHT, MAX.
- CAPTAIN! - WHAT DO YOU WANT? CAPTAIN, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
I MUST USE YOUR RADIO.
YOU CAN'T GET ANY GOOD STATIONS THIS FAR OUT, MR.
SMART.
IF YOU CAN'T SLEEP I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A PILL.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, CAPTAIN.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE BARGED INTO MY QUARTERS WITHOUT AN INVITATION, SIR.
THAT'S WHAT I UNDERSTAND.
CAPTAIN, I HAVE TO USE YOUR SHORTWAVE.
I MUST CONTACT MY HEADQUARTERS.
I BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND THE MAN WHO STOLE THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP! HAVE YOU? HAVE YOU INDEED, SIR? THIS IS MOST INTERESTING NEWS.
AND WHO MIGHT THAT PERSON BE? HECTOR BACCARDO, THE CRIPPLED PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER WHO IS NOT A CRIPPLE, WHO IS NOT PORTUGUESE, AND WHO IS PROBABLY NOT A POLO PLAYER.
A VILLAIN! I SENSED IT THE MOMENT I SET EYES ON HIM.
MR.
SMART, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE RADIO ROOM MYSELF.
( clip-clopping ) WHAT'S THE MATTER, SIR? WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? IS IT MY LEG? NO, I'VE SEEN LEGS BEFORE.
IT'S THAT WOODEN JOB I'M LOOKING AT.
AH YES, A SOUVENIR OF MY YOUNGER YEARS, WHEN I WAS STILL A LAD.
YOU'VE HEARD OF THE GREAT WHITE WHALE.
THAT WAS DONE BY THE GREAT WHITE WHALE? NO, THAT WAS DONE BY A SMALL BLUE CONVERTIBLE.
AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT? YES, AND IT RUINED A PROMISING CAREER AS A TAP DANCER.
BUT THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE-- AH YES, THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE.
YOU MENTIONED THAT BEFORE.
WHAT IS IT AGAIN? IT'S THE NOISE THE KILLER MADE WHEN HE WALKED.
CERTAINLY, SIR, I AM NOT UNDER SUSPICION.
AFTER ALL, I WAS ON THE BRIDGE STEERING THE SHIP WHEN THAT MAN WAS STABBED IN HIS CABIN.
THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS STABBED? DID I SAY STABBED? I MEANT KILLED.
CAPTAIN GROMAN, I THINK YOU AND I BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
YOU FOOL! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'VE RUINED MY MODEL.
I'LL HAVE YOU FLOGGED, KEELHAULED-- I'LL SUE YOU! SO THAT'S IT! THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP MADE INTO A MODEL! ALL RIGHT, GROMAN, GET BEHIND THE DESK.
COME ON, MOVE OUT.
YOU'LL NEVER GET OFF THIS SHIP ALIVE.
LISTEN, IF I DON'T GET OFF THIS SHIP ALIVE, YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
OF COURSE, I'M IN A LOT OF TROUBLE TOO, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND-- ( phone rings ) EXCUSE ME.
MY PHONE IS RINGING.
HELLO, 99? DROP THE PHONE, SMART! ( bullet ricochets ) NOW WAIT A MINUTE, GROMAN.
YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE OUT OF LINE.
DON'T MOVE! THIS IS A .
45 CALIBER LEG - AND IT'S LOADED.
- OF COURSE! THE OLD GUN-IN- THE-PEG-LEG TRICK.
THAT'S THE SECOND TIME I'VE FALLEN FOR IT THIS YEAR.
NOW SAY GOODBYE, MR.
SMART.
- ( groans ) - MING! ( clip-clopping ) - MAX! - ( gunshot ) GOOD SHOT, 99.
MAX, IT WAS CAPTAIN GROMAN.
YES, ONE OF THE MOST CLEVER AND INGENIOUS VILLAINS I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
IT WAS HE WHO STOLE THE PLANS, KILLED OUR WATERFRONT CONTACT MAN, MURDERED INSPECTOR SEHOKIAN, ALMOST FED ME TO THE SHARKS, WOUNDED AGENT 44, TRIED TO SHOOT ME WITH ONE LEG AND STAB ME WITH ANOTHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A SHAME, 99.
- ALL THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED.
- HOW? IF ONLY HE HAD ONLY USED HIS LEG FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL.
CHIEF, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO TAKE THE HELICOPTER BACK? WHY DON'T YOU SAIL BACK WITH US, CHIEF? IT'D BE A NICE REST FOR YOU.
NO, I WANT TO GET THAT MODEL BACK TO WASHINGTON.
I'LL LEAVE LARRABEE TO WATCH THE OTHER PASSENGERS.
LARRABEE, GO BELOW AND KEEP AN EYE ON 'EM.
GOOD IDEA, CHIEF.
THOSE FREELANCE SPIES ARE REALLY A SHIFTY LOT.
AT LEAST WE GOT BACCARDO ON AN ATTEMPTED MURDER CHARGE.
YES, I GUESS HE THOUGHT I HAD THE PLANS AND WAS JUST WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO STEAL THEM.
- HOW'S 44, CHIEF? - OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS ONLY A SUPERFICIAL WOUND.
WE'RE GOING TO GIVE HIM AN ASSIGNMENT ON LAND FOR A WHILE.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
HE'S A NICE FELLOW.
YES, HE'S A GOOD AGENT.
IF ONLY HE COULD BREAK THAT CRYING HABIT.
YES, I'VE TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
WATCH IT, CHIEF! THAT'S WHERE I WENT OVERBOARD.
OH, REALLY? IT LOOKS SOLID NOW.
THEY MUST HAVE FIXED IT UP.
THIS IS WHERE THE BULLETS HIT-- - ( Chief screams ) - ( 99 gasps ) CHIEF! MAX, I DON'T BELIEVE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU DO! I DON'T BELIEVE-- MAX, DO SOMETHING, QUICK! HANG ON, CHIEF! HOLD ON.
MAX IS COMING! HERE IT COMES, CHIEF! HOLD ON, CHIEF.
THAT'S IT.
- HERE WE GO.
- Max: HANG ON, CHIEF! - THAT'S IT, CHIEF.
- JUST A LITTLE WAYS MORE.
HAVE YOU GOT A GOOD GRIP, MAX? MY HANDS ARE SLIPPING, CHIEF.
I'VE GOTTA WIPE THEM OFF.
GO RIGHT AHEAD, MAX.
( screams ) SORRY ABOUT THAT! MAX! OH HANG ON, MAX! ( theme music playing )
- ( gunshot ) - IT'S A ROTTEN NIGHT.
HOLD ON, MAX, I'M COMING RIGHT UP.
MY DOOR'S LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.
I CAN'T OPEN IT.
( screams ) MAX! WHERE ARE YOU?! IN THE WATER! HANG ON, MAX! ( air hissing ) Max: 99, HURRY! HANG ON, MAX! Max: 99, HURRY! I CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER! HERE IT COMES, MAX! THAT'S IT, MAX.
HANG ON, YOU'RE ALMOST HERE.
COME ON, MAX, A LITTLE FURTHER.
- OH.
- ( panting ) - FAST WORK, 99.
- MAX, CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE PORTHOLE? I DON'T THINK SO.
CAN YOU HANG ON UNTIL I GET SOME HELP? - YES, BUT HURRY UP, 99.
- RIGHT, MAX.
MAX, WOULD YOU LIKE AN UMBRELLA? NO, 99, FORGET THE UMBRELLA.
HURRY UP, GET HELP.
I CAN'T HANG ON MUCH LONGER.
RIGHT, MAX.
BUT MAX, THE DOOR'S LOCKED.
SHOOT IT OFF! RIGHT.
OH, MAX.
( theme music playing ) ( foghorn blaring ) THAT THIS IS THE SECTION OF THE RAIL THAT GAVE WAY.
I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT, MAX.
BUT LOOK, THERE'S NOT A SIGN OF ANY DAMAGE.
YES, WELL JUST PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND THAT MEANS-- THAT SOMEONE FIXED IT QUIETLY DURING THE NIGHT.
OR ELSE THE ENTIRE SHIP HAS BEEN REPLACED.
- OH, MAX.
- WELL, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ALL POSSIBILITIES, 99.
( clip-clopping ) - DID YOU BRING YOUR PORTABLE HAIR DRYER WITH YOU? - YES, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
- LET'S GO AND CONTACT THE CHIEF.
- RIGHT.
COME ON, WE'LL GO OVER HERE.
( clip-clopping ) THIS IS 99 CALLING CONTROL.
COME IN, CONTROL.
HELLO, 99, THIS IS THE CHIEF.
GIVE ME YOUR REPORT.
WELL, HERE'S THE SITUATION, CHIEF.
LAST NIGHT SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL MAX.
Chief: How is he? OH, HE'S FINE, CHIEF, JUST FINE.
HAVE YOU ESTABLISHED CONTACT WITH INSPECTOR SEHOKIAN? - 99: He's dead, Chief.
- DEAD?HOW'D IT HAPPEN? HE WAS STABBED LAST NIGHT JUST ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER WE SAILED.
- WAS HE ABLE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING? - WELL, JUST BEFORE HE DIED HE TRIED TO TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP.
DID HE TELL YOU WHO STOLE THEM? NO, ALL HE SAID WAS THAT THE PLANS ARE NOT PLANS.
- AND WHAT ABOUT SUSPECTS? - THERE'S A SENORITA MERENDEZ WHO'S A SPANISH DANCER.
AND THERE'S A HECTOR BACCARDO, A PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER.
- LET ME TALK TO 86.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
MAX, HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
HI, CHIEF, THIS IS MAX.
Chief: Max, are there any clues? NO, CHIEF, JUST THAT CLIP-CLOP SOUND I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
DOES ANYONE ONBOARD MAKE THAT NOISE? EVERYONE ONBOARD MAKES THAT NOISE.
MAX I THINK I'LL GET A HELICOPTER AND COME OUT THERE.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, CHIEF, I CAN HANDLE THIS CASE.
WE CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE OF THOSE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS.
WE MUST FIND THEM.
DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
I'LL FIND 'EM.
AND WHEN I DO, I'LL CONTACT YOU.
OKAY.
BUT TRY TO KEEP YOUR IDENTITY AS SECRET AS POSSIBLE.
DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
I KNOW HOW TO BE INCONSPIC-- --UOUS.
WITH ALL THIS DAMPNESS IN THE AIR, I CAN NEVER DO A THING WITH MY HAIR.
YEAH, THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
YES, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT STARTS TO CURL UP ON THE-- MAX! COME ON, 99.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
MAX, LOOK OUT! MAX! THIS WAS AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT ON YOUR LIFE.
EITHER THAT, OR SOMEBODY ELSE WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS CHAIR.
LOOK, MAX, THEY GOT OUR RADIO.
- NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - I'M GOING DOWN TO SEE THE CAPTAIN.
- DO YOU THINK IT'LL DO ANY GOOD? - WELL, I DON'T KNOW, 99, BUT WE'VE GOTTA TAKE THE CHANCE.
HE MAY KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE OTHER PASSENGERS THAT WE DON'T.
RIGHT.
MAX, LOOK! THERE'S GROMAN'S CHINESE SERVANT.
( clip-clopping ) PARDON ME, MATE.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND CAPTAIN GROMAN? ( speaks Chinese ) HE'S GOT A VERY BAD SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
IT'S CHINESE, MAX.
THAT'S THE WORST KIND.
( speaks Chinese ) ( speaking Chinese ) WHAT DID HE SAY? ( speaks Chinese ) - OH, THE CAPTAIN'S IN HIS CABIN.
WELL, I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
YOU STAY UP HERE - AND SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP HIM BUSY FOR A FEW MINUTES.
- RIGHT.
( speaks Chinese ) - ( knocking ) - AVAST! HARD TO STARBOARD! FULL RUDDER! WATCH YOUR STERN! PARDON ME, CAPTAIN.
I WONDER IF I COULD HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.
COME FORWARD, SIR, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
- CAPTAIN, I'D LIKE TO-- - DON'T BE AFRAID, SIR.
THIS OLD SEA MONSTER HAS LOST MOST OF HIS TEETH A LONG TIME AGO.
- YES, WELL-- - 35 YEARS OF WIND AND SALT SPRAY IN THIS BATTERED OLD FACE; THESE EYES STARING INTO THE BLINDING SUN OR INKY DARKNESS.
BUT THE OLD WALRUS HASN'T LOST HIS BARK.
THE SWABBIES STILL JUMP AT THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE.
HARD TO PORT, ALL FULL AHEAD! AREN'T YOU GONNA WRITE ANY OF THIS DOWN? YES, BUT-- WRITE IT DOWN?! NO, CAPTAIN, YOU SEE, I JUST WANTED TO TALK WITH YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE.
AREN'T YOU THE FELLOW FROM THE MAGAZINE? I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND YOU, CAPTAIN.
THE MAN FROM "TIME" MAGAZINE, THE ONE WHO'S GONNA INTERVIEW ME.
I THINK YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE, SIR.
OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE WAITED SO LONG.
THEY'VE NEVER WRITTEN ME UP.
NIMITZ, HALSEY, RICKOVER.
ALL OF THEM.
THE ADMIRALS, THE CAPTAINS, THE COMMODORES, ALL OF THEM BUT ME.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- YOU'RE SORRY! IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! YOU HAVEN'T SPENT A LIFETIME AT SEA! HATING IT! SEASICK ALL THE TIME! THE SOUND OF THE WAVES! THE CONSTANT DAMPNESS! THE ROLLING OF THE SHIP! UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN! AND UP AND DOWN-- I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN, BUT DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FOR A MOMENT? OF COURSE.
NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WELL, CAPTAIN, I NEED YOUR HELP.
BUT FIRST I MUST REVEAL TO YOU SOME INFORMATION THAT IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL.
YOU MAY CONSIDER ME THE SOUL OF DISCRETION.
MY NAME IS MAXWELL SMART.
I SHALL NEVER BREATHE IT TO ANOTHER LIVING SOUL.
- UH, NO, SIR, THAT'S NOT IT.
- PLEASE CONTINUE.
WELL, YOU SEE I'M A SECRET AGENT WORKING FOR - CONTROL.
- CONTROL? YOU WORK FOR CONTROL? - YOU'VE HEARD OF IT? - NO.
OH.
CAPTAIN, SOMEBODY ONBOARD YOUR SHIP HAS STOLEN THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP.
MR.
SMART, I CAN VOUCH FOR MY CREW.
I KNOW EACH MAN AS THOUGH HE WERE MY OWN BROTHER.
WHY, THEY'RE THE PICK OF THE SCUM OF EUROPE! WELL YOU SEE, SIR, IT'S NOT ONE OF YOUR CREW.
IT'S ONE OF THE PASSENGERS.
WHOEVER IT IS HAS ALREADY KILLED TWO MEN, ONE RIGHT HERE ONBOARD THIS SHIP LAST NIGHT! YOU MEAN THERE IS A DEAD PERSON ONBOARD MY SHIP? - YES SIR.
- HMM.
THAT MAY BE AN OMEN OF BAD LUCK.
ISN'T THAT KIND OF AN OLD SUPERSTITION, CAPTAIN? TRY TELLING THAT TO THE CORPSE! YES.
CAPTAIN, I'VE GOT TO GET THOSE PLANS BACK.
SO FAR THE KILLER AND THIEF HAS ONLY LEFT ME ONE CLUE-- AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DO ANYTHING WITH THAT YET.
AND WHAT'S THAT, SIR? WELL, WHEN HE WALKS HE MAKES A STRANGE KIND OF A CLIP-CLOP SOUND.
- A CLIP-CLOP SOUND? - YES, A CLIP-CLOP SOUND.
REST ASSURED, SIR I SHALL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ASSIST YOU.
MY SERVANT MING CAN HELP US.
PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN HIM.
OH YES, THE BIG CHINESE FELLA.
CHINESE? GOOD HEAVENS, OF COURSE! HE'S CHINESE! I WONDERED WHY HE WAS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT HE HAD A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
YES.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP, CAPTAIN.
DON'T THANK ME, SIR.
IT'LL BE A PLEASURE TO HELP YOU.
PERHAPS IT WILL RELIEVE THE MONOTONY OF THE VOYAGE.
AND I SHALL LISTEN FOR THAT SOUND YOU TOLD ME ABOUT.
YES, A CLIP-CLOP NOISE.
YES, A CLIP-CLOP NOISE.
( clip-clopping ) ( buzzes ) ( phone rings ) - YES, MAX.
- HELLO, 99? I JUST TRIED TO CALL YOU AND YOUR LINE WAS BUSY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS CLEANING MY GUN.
WELL BE CAREFUL.
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AROUND HERE.
MAX, DID YOU FIND OUT ANYTHING FROM CAPTAIN GROMAN? NO, BUT HE'S GONNA TRY AND HELP US.
( water splashes ) HOLD IT, 99.
THERE'S A MESSAGE WRITTEN ON MY PORTHOLE.
MUST BE FROM 44.
MAX, THERE'S A MESSAGE ON MY PORTHOLE TOO.
MINE SAYS, "UNLESS PURSUED, OPEN NO DOORS.
" AND MINE SAYS, "EELS CAN KILL, NOT ONLY WOUND.
" I THINK 44 IS FINALLY CRACKING UP.
MAX, IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF CODE.
HE MUST BE TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.
Max: But what? MAX, TELL ME THE FIRST LETTER OF EVERY WORD IN YOUR MESSAGE.
"U, P, O, N, D.
" AND MINE ARE "E, C, K, N, O, W.
" AND PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER AND THEY SPELL MAX! "UP ON DECK NOW.
" TO MEET HIM! RIGHT, 99.
NOW LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY-- WE'VE GOT TO GET UP THERE AND CONTACT 44.
BUT I WANT YOU TO LEAVE YOUR STATEROOM WITHOUT BEING OBSERVED BY ANYBODY.
- HAVE YOU GOT THAT? - RIGHT, MAX.
- I'LL SEE YOU UP THERE THEN.
- RIGHT.
OVER AND OUT.
( knocks ) - ( bangs ) - 44? WE'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE, MAX.
I DON'T THINK HE'S UP HERE.
NEITHER DO I.
- WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? - WE'RE LOOKING FOR AGENT 44.
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO GET HERE? FIRST OF ALL WE HAD TO DECODE THAT MESSAGE YOU LEFT ON THE PORTHOLE.
OH, WAS IT HARD? YOU KNOW, SECRET MESSAGES ARE ONE OF MY SPECIALTIES.
I'VE SEEN HARDER.
MAX FIGURED IT OUT RIGHT AWAY.
WELL, YOU WAIT UNTIL NEXT TIME.
I'VE GOT A HUMDINGER.
YOU'LL NEVER GET IT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, 44? WHAT GOOD IS A SECRET MESSAGE IF NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND IT? LISTEN, 86, I DON'T HAVE MUCH FUN ON THIS JOB.
THERE'S NO MINGLING WITH THE GLAMOROUS PASSENGERS, NO DECK TENNIS, NO GALA EVENINGS AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE.
NO NO, NOT FOR ME.
TAKE IT EASY, 44.
TAKE IT EASY.
I MEAN, A SPY CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH-- FUNNELS AND PORTHOLES AND SLEEPING IN THE CARGO HOLD.
HIDING, ALWAYS HIDING! ( crying ) I WANT TO COME IN FROM THE COLD! ( sobs quietly ) WE UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, 44, HONESTLY WE DO.
BUT YOU'VE REALLY GOT TO TRY TO GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
HERE, BLOW.
( foghorn blows ) TAKE IT EASY, 44.
NOW WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US? - YOU WON'T TELL THEM ABOUT THIS BACK AT HEADQUARTERS? - OH, OF COURSE NOT.
WE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH.
THE CHIEF WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO HAVE A GOOD CRY.
TRY TELLING THAT TO THE CHIEF.
HE HATES TO HAVE HIS MEN CRY.
- HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
- IT'LL BE OUR SECRET.
YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF SECRET INFORMATION FOR US? OH YES, ALMOST FORGOT.
YOU KNOW THAT PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER? - HECTOR BACCARDO.
- THE ONE IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
RIGHT.
WELL HE'S NOT WHAT HE PRETENDS TO BE.
- I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! - HE'S POLISH.
OF COURSE.
PORTUGUESE ARE TERRIBLE POLO PLAYERS! AND HE KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE STOLEN PLANS.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? - I WAS UP ON DECK TODAY TAKING A LITTLE SUNTAN IN THAT SMOKESTACK OVER THERE.
BACCARDO WAS TALKING TO THAT SENORITA MERENDEZ.
- WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT? - ABOUT THE PLANS.
HE SAID TO HER THAT IF YOU'LL HELP ME I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE.
- GO ON.
WHAT ELSE? - AND HE SAID THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW WHERE THE PLANS WERE HIDDEN BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T PLANS.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - I THINK I KNOW.
WELL, GO AHEAD AND TELL US.
I BET YOU DON'T THINK I'M SO INEPT NOW, DO YOU? I NEVER SAID YOU WERE INEPT, 44.
NO NO, BUT I CAN READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
LOOK, 44, ARE YOU GONNA TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW? NO.
IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW I'M GONNA TELL THE CHIEF ABOUT YOUR CRYING.
- YOU WOULDN'T.
- JUST TRY ME.
OKAY, HERE IT IS-- IF THE PLANS AREN'T PLANS, THEN THEY'RE PROBABLY-- - ( gunshot ) - ( 44 groans ) AND TAKE CARE OF 44.
- I'M GOING AFTER HIM.
- BE CAREFUL, MAX.
COME ON, 44, I'LL GET YOU OUT OF THERE.
HOLD ON, NOW.
BACCARDO! WELL, I SEE YOU CAN WALK.
NOT ONLY CAN I WALK, MR.
SMART, BUT I CAN ALSO KILL.
I'M WARNING YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WHEELCHAIR.
MISSED! AND YOU'RE ALL OUT OF WHEELCHAIRS.
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT UP YOUR SLEEVE, BACCARDO? I HAD TO ASK.
( grunts ) MAX! BACCARDO! HE'S OUT OF HIS WHEELCHAIR.
YES, AND HE'S BEEN ACTING VERY SUSPICIOUSLY.
AND KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
I'M GOING TO MAKE A COMPLETE REPORT OF THIS TO THE CAPTAIN AND SEE IF I CAN USE THE SHIP'S RADIO TO CONTACT CONTROL.
RIGHT, MAX.
- CAPTAIN! - WHAT DO YOU WANT? CAPTAIN, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
I MUST USE YOUR RADIO.
YOU CAN'T GET ANY GOOD STATIONS THIS FAR OUT, MR.
SMART.
IF YOU CAN'T SLEEP I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A PILL.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, CAPTAIN.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE BARGED INTO MY QUARTERS WITHOUT AN INVITATION, SIR.
THAT'S WHAT I UNDERSTAND.
CAPTAIN, I HAVE TO USE YOUR SHORTWAVE.
I MUST CONTACT MY HEADQUARTERS.
I BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND THE MAN WHO STOLE THE PLANS FOR THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP! HAVE YOU? HAVE YOU INDEED, SIR? THIS IS MOST INTERESTING NEWS.
AND WHO MIGHT THAT PERSON BE? HECTOR BACCARDO, THE CRIPPLED PORTUGUESE POLO PLAYER WHO IS NOT A CRIPPLE, WHO IS NOT PORTUGUESE, AND WHO IS PROBABLY NOT A POLO PLAYER.
A VILLAIN! I SENSED IT THE MOMENT I SET EYES ON HIM.
MR.
SMART, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE RADIO ROOM MYSELF.
( clip-clopping ) WHAT'S THE MATTER, SIR? WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? IS IT MY LEG? NO, I'VE SEEN LEGS BEFORE.
IT'S THAT WOODEN JOB I'M LOOKING AT.
AH YES, A SOUVENIR OF MY YOUNGER YEARS, WHEN I WAS STILL A LAD.
YOU'VE HEARD OF THE GREAT WHITE WHALE.
THAT WAS DONE BY THE GREAT WHITE WHALE? NO, THAT WAS DONE BY A SMALL BLUE CONVERTIBLE.
AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT? YES, AND IT RUINED A PROMISING CAREER AS A TAP DANCER.
BUT THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE-- AH YES, THAT CLIP-CLOP NOISE.
YOU MENTIONED THAT BEFORE.
WHAT IS IT AGAIN? IT'S THE NOISE THE KILLER MADE WHEN HE WALKED.
CERTAINLY, SIR, I AM NOT UNDER SUSPICION.
AFTER ALL, I WAS ON THE BRIDGE STEERING THE SHIP WHEN THAT MAN WAS STABBED IN HIS CABIN.
THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS STABBED? DID I SAY STABBED? I MEANT KILLED.
CAPTAIN GROMAN, I THINK YOU AND I BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
YOU FOOL! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'VE RUINED MY MODEL.
I'LL HAVE YOU FLOGGED, KEELHAULED-- I'LL SUE YOU! SO THAT'S IT! THE NUCLEAR AMPHIBIAN BATTLESHIP MADE INTO A MODEL! ALL RIGHT, GROMAN, GET BEHIND THE DESK.
COME ON, MOVE OUT.
YOU'LL NEVER GET OFF THIS SHIP ALIVE.
LISTEN, IF I DON'T GET OFF THIS SHIP ALIVE, YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
OF COURSE, I'M IN A LOT OF TROUBLE TOO, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND-- ( phone rings ) EXCUSE ME.
MY PHONE IS RINGING.
HELLO, 99? DROP THE PHONE, SMART! ( bullet ricochets ) NOW WAIT A MINUTE, GROMAN.
YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE OUT OF LINE.
DON'T MOVE! THIS IS A .
45 CALIBER LEG - AND IT'S LOADED.
- OF COURSE! THE OLD GUN-IN- THE-PEG-LEG TRICK.
THAT'S THE SECOND TIME I'VE FALLEN FOR IT THIS YEAR.
NOW SAY GOODBYE, MR.
SMART.
- ( groans ) - MING! ( clip-clopping ) - MAX! - ( gunshot ) GOOD SHOT, 99.
MAX, IT WAS CAPTAIN GROMAN.
YES, ONE OF THE MOST CLEVER AND INGENIOUS VILLAINS I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
IT WAS HE WHO STOLE THE PLANS, KILLED OUR WATERFRONT CONTACT MAN, MURDERED INSPECTOR SEHOKIAN, ALMOST FED ME TO THE SHARKS, WOUNDED AGENT 44, TRIED TO SHOOT ME WITH ONE LEG AND STAB ME WITH ANOTHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A SHAME, 99.
- ALL THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED.
- HOW? IF ONLY HE HAD ONLY USED HIS LEG FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL.
CHIEF, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO TAKE THE HELICOPTER BACK? WHY DON'T YOU SAIL BACK WITH US, CHIEF? IT'D BE A NICE REST FOR YOU.
NO, I WANT TO GET THAT MODEL BACK TO WASHINGTON.
I'LL LEAVE LARRABEE TO WATCH THE OTHER PASSENGERS.
LARRABEE, GO BELOW AND KEEP AN EYE ON 'EM.
GOOD IDEA, CHIEF.
THOSE FREELANCE SPIES ARE REALLY A SHIFTY LOT.
AT LEAST WE GOT BACCARDO ON AN ATTEMPTED MURDER CHARGE.
YES, I GUESS HE THOUGHT I HAD THE PLANS AND WAS JUST WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO STEAL THEM.
- HOW'S 44, CHIEF? - OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS ONLY A SUPERFICIAL WOUND.
WE'RE GOING TO GIVE HIM AN ASSIGNMENT ON LAND FOR A WHILE.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
HE'S A NICE FELLOW.
YES, HE'S A GOOD AGENT.
IF ONLY HE COULD BREAK THAT CRYING HABIT.
YES, I'VE TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
WATCH IT, CHIEF! THAT'S WHERE I WENT OVERBOARD.
OH, REALLY? IT LOOKS SOLID NOW.
THEY MUST HAVE FIXED IT UP.
THIS IS WHERE THE BULLETS HIT-- - ( Chief screams ) - ( 99 gasps ) CHIEF! MAX, I DON'T BELIEVE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU DO! I DON'T BELIEVE-- MAX, DO SOMETHING, QUICK! HANG ON, CHIEF! HOLD ON.
MAX IS COMING! HERE IT COMES, CHIEF! HOLD ON, CHIEF.
THAT'S IT.
- HERE WE GO.
- Max: HANG ON, CHIEF! - THAT'S IT, CHIEF.
- JUST A LITTLE WAYS MORE.
HAVE YOU GOT A GOOD GRIP, MAX? MY HANDS ARE SLIPPING, CHIEF.
I'VE GOTTA WIPE THEM OFF.
GO RIGHT AHEAD, MAX.
( screams ) SORRY ABOUT THAT! MAX! OH HANG ON, MAX! ( theme music playing )