Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce Abby, they want you to do a piece--ten dates in two days.
- Who posts a picture of that? - Tons of guys.
I know that man.
He is a dad at school.
He's a married dad.
Homegrown-- An urban farm working with recovering addicts to give them employable skills.
The only out of our situation is if I'm at least open to the casual encounter.
I know why he's been staring at me.
He works at the Getty.
I left my wife.
Do you have to comment on all the proceedings? I'm so sorry.
It's just a habit.
My wife used to say-- - Don't talk about your wife.
- Oh, right.
First you declare some kind of affection, and then you have sex with Courtney? - I did it for us.
- Oh, my God.
You need to get out of here.
Go.
You're a writer? Well, I don't think you can call yourself that when you haven't been published, but I did write this.
Would you be comfortable passing it on to your editor? I want to be the pretty, pretty princess.
I don't want to be a resource.
Um As we go ride into the sunset, baby Yeah, we go into the sunset Oh, Will.
Yeah, we going for a ride You make the Earth move.
Yeah, we going for a ri-ri-ri-ride Yeah, we driving through the sunset, baby Holy shit! Mom! Okay, what is the most important thing to remember during an earthquake? Don't panic.
That's right.
Do not panic.
Jo, you were outside, running around, screaming.
Naked, and I saw your butt, Aunt Jo.
And naked, calling 911.
Who did nothing, by the way.
It's an earthquake.
It's a little tremor.
- It's completely normal.
- Oh, it's perfectly normal.
Really? A roof beam comes down on you, it'll amputate your leg faster than a doctor in the Civil War.
Mark my word, okay? Gone to leg heaven.
Más huevos, por favor.
- Thanks, Abby.
- Gracias.
I like the parmesan-cheese touch.
Did the school give you your interview time? Oh, yeah, she's got an interview tomorrow.
The Center is her first choice.
It's the only school that offers Japanese, Russian, and Chinese in eighth grade.
Can you believe this? Thanks for letting me shadow you today.
It's fine.
I'd like to get there early to get the lay of the land.
You know what they say? Better never than late.
- Did you just make that up? - I wish.
George Bernard Shaw.
Come on, Charlie, come on, Chad.
Okay, we're coming.
Oh, my God, Chad does not like anyone.
That's incredible.
She's amazing with imaginary friends.
I love you.
Hi, Warren.
How are you? - Come on, Chad.
- Can I call you back? Because I'm just getting the kids ready for school.
Okay.
Uh, Great.
Oh, great.
Thank you.
Uh, thank you for calling.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
- What was that? - That was my agent.
HuffPo posted my article today.
And? - And I'm trending.
- What? Why Aren't You Divorced Yet is trending.
Hot shit.
Look at you.
You broke through the clutter.
- I broke through the clutter.
- Whoo! Oh, thank God, Noah's fine.
He's in the shower.
Logan slept through the whole thing.
He was like, "There was an earthquake?" Amazing.
Is it normal for an eight-year-old to snore like a hibernating bear? Please, I'm not adding that to my list of things to worry about.
- Max.
- Yeah? About my trip last week to Texas.
We are on a need-to-know basis, and I do not need to know.
The final divorce decree simply requires your signature on all the indicated pages, and your marriage will be legally dissolved.
Please show Mr.
Beech to your desk.
Congratulations, Mr.
Beech.
Mr.
Beech, this way.
Uh, could we have a moment alone before I sign? Actually, I have a meeting waiting, but my paralegal here is also a notary, and when you are ready, she will be able to take care of all your needs much better than I can.
Gordon, you need to go.
Will you shut up for a second and let me talk? I realize that you're still angry, but I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you have never done anything questionable during a battle.
That is not the point, okay? This is about trust-- Something neither you or I is good at.
Well, I see that as a net plus.
We go into this thing with our eyes wide open.
We're cynical, sure, but we're equal.
Two peas in an amoral pod, huh? I see that Variety listed you in their Top 40 under 40 issue.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
The article listed you as single.
So? I am.
I just booked a suite at the Four Seasons in Bora-Bora for next week-- Come with me.
We'll have very dirty, hot makeup sex, and then we'll fight again so we can have some more.
Think about it, Ms.
Banai.
- Mwah.
Go have fun.
- Blow their minds, babe, okay? Learn something.
You nervous? Don't be nervous.
Listen, I can't have this thing go sideways, okay? You sure I don't have to write a big, fat check or blow somebody, you know, pull out the Latino card or anything like that? - Stop.
Stop.
- What? I'm gonna introduce you to the fund-raising committee.
They have huge pull in admissions, and besides, Zooey is so fantastic.
Of course they're gonna take her.
Wow.
What is happening? Bring it.
Business Barbie, explain.
I'm going to meet Marco.
I thought you were on a man-cation.
Oh, it's not like that.
I actually have an amazing idea to expand Homegrown's visibility.
Really? And Ford helped me design an incredible marketing idea, so I'm gonna go pitch it to Marco right now.
This is incredible.
By the way, your HuffPo piece-- - Genius.
- Thank you.
I would get divorced again if I wasn't already divorced twice.
Thank you so much.
What a sweet thing to say.
Um, so who's the guy? - Come on, give it to me.
- Which one? You know, the Tinder guy, who is he? Date number five.
- The penis guy.
- No, I'm not telling you.
- Abby McCarthy, give it to me.
- No.
- Abby McCarthy.
- Lips are sealed.
- Taking it to the grave.
- I want-- I'm a journalist.
I don't reveal my sources.
This isn't over.
Okay, take a deep breath.
- Lay of the land.
- Uh-huh.
Cheryl Platt is head of the committee--blonde hair, - usually in a ponytail.
- She's the alpha, got it.
She gives blood, sweat, and money to the school, and she essentially lives inside the principal's ass.
So, if you kiss that ring, your daughter is as good as in.
Time to turn on my charm offensive.
More charm, less offensive, please.
- Got it.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - That's Karen Kline.
- Who? - That's Nate's wife.
Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate-- The guy who was crap in bed.
Jackrabbit.
Oh, my gosh.
Does she know? I doubt it.
I think they got back together.
Abby.
- Cheryl, hi.
- Hi.
How are you? It's so good to see you.
Karen, I didn't know you were on this committee.
Oh, yeah, I got bored with hot lunch, decided to try something new.
I love that.
This is--this is my friend Jo.
Her daughter is an applicant.
Hi.
A minority applicant.
Josefina Hernández-Frumpkis.
Es encantada.
Nice to meet you.
I like your ponytail.
Muffins, lovely.
Look at that.
Very nice muffins.
So we've all been buzzing about your piece in the HuffPo.
Oh, yeah? Thank you.
- Some pretty bold stuff.
- Yeah.
Well, dish.
Who's the cheater guy? What? Date number five.
Oh.
Come on, Abby, it's just us.
Is he a parent here at the Center? Don't you think we should talk about fund-raising? Don't you think we have a right to know if one of our husbands is putting his penis on Tinder? Um, you know what? I'm a journalist, and I have to protect my sources.
Is that what that was-- Journalism? Look, Abby, some of us like our husbands.
We want to know if there's a problem so we can fix it, even though most married people--how did you say?-- Are bound in a codependent death spiral.
Well, I wasn't insinuating that everyone needs to get a divorce.
I was merely saying-- I'm sorry, but what kind of junior-high mommy mafia anti-feminist bullshit is this? Have we all not seen The Vagina Monologues? - Okay, Jo, you don't-- - Ladies, it's not her fault that your husband's cheating on you or your husband or your husband or your husband.
If he screwed her, that's fine.
It would have been someone else if he didn't screw her.
- Okay.
- She doesn't need - to wear your scarlet A, okay? - Jo.
She's a brilliant, badass single woman entitled to screw as many hot dudes as she wants, and if you don't like it, suck it, ladies! Okay? So nice meeting you c'mon.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you shut me down? Shut you down? You know the Mouth has impulse-control issues.
It's like trying to shut the Hulk down.
I forgot to take my Concerta this morning.
I am so mortified.
- Shit, shit.
- God.
Okay, you know what? I just--I'm sorry, but I-I couldn't stand to watch those judg-o-nauts bully you like that.
It was Mean Girls on steroids.
Not okay.
Thank you so much for being my friend.
I appreciate that, but that is not the kind of help that I need.
Oh, God.
The one thing that my baby wanted, I screwed it up.
I'm never gonna eat hot lunch in this town again.
I definitely have to blow someone now, don't I? - Oh, my God.
- I got to blow someone.
- Do not.
- Oh, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, you will not do that.
You will write a big, fat check to the school.
You will give it to them before her interview.
All will be forgotten.
I promise you that.
You're gonna be fine.
I, on the other hand, am completely screwed and would have to lay low, like, incredibly low, like, mine shaft low.
I mean, so low, just-- Hello? This is Abby McCarthy.
Uh, hi, Amanda from HuffPo.
Uh, today? A sit-down? Uh, yes, yes, I can make that happen.
What time? Great, I'll be there.
So it's like an edible schoolyard? Yeah, it's farm-to-table, Alice Waters, which is all the rage these days.
Yeah, no, no, it's catchy.
The idea is that we use your produce to build edible walls at schools around the city-- Fresh fruits and veggies for the kids and free PR for Homegrown.
Best part is, I don't think you're gonna have to put up a dime.
Good, because I don't have it.
I know.
So Ford hooked us up.
It turns out his client, Coca-Cola, has money earmarked for eco-sponsorship, and--and I'm pretty sure they cover all the startup costs.
- Mm.
- What? You must think I'm some kind of asshole, huh? What? You want me to take corporate money.
Sorry, love, not interested.
Marco.
Hey, Marco, look-- I'm not-- Look, what you do here is special, and I appreciate your principles, but you are perpetually five minutes from being out of business.
Hey, you know, that's the nature of the beast.
Okay, exactly.
This deal would increase your profile, and it will keep your doors open.
All Coke is asking for is a little plaque and a meeting with you.
That's it.
You'd have to be an asshole to pass this up.
Did you just call me an asshole? Yes, I did.
Why don't you use their money to push your agenda? Nice digs.
Yeah, well, you know, if they're gonna keep us chained to our desks, the least they can do is give us a view, right? - Oh, my God.
- Hey, Rosie? Who are these from? They're from Josh Groban.
What? Oh, my gosh, the Grobes? Oh, I'm a huge Grobanite.
Apparently he saw you in the "40 under 40" article and wants to take you to dinner.
Josh Groban? - Josh Groban? - Wow.
40 under 40, nice.
It is PR puffery, but it is good for business.
Thanks, Rosie.
Okay, if you're gonna pass on him, I'll take sloppy seconds.
I bet I could make that voice drop at least an octave.
Huh? Oh, you're not laughing? You got some bad news? Yeah.
I looked through your financials, and, honey, you are rich on paper, but you're very cash-poor.
I know that the bakery money is--is tied up in the new store and everything, but what about the--the savings? Well, obviously a chunk of it went into the horses.
- Horses? - Mm-hmm.
No, I'm sorry.
There's got to be some kind of mistake.
I-I don't horse.
Well, then why do you own six thoroughbreds on your stud farm in Kentucky? Stud what? Hi.
Oh, great.
Abby.
- Hi.
- Don't get up.
Don't get up.
- Amanda, Huffington Post.
- Sorry.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I was stuck in a meeting - No, it's okay.
- All about you, my dear.
Me? Wow.
My article just came out.
I guess that's what happens when you trend.
Well, you are now trending with Arianna, because she really loved your piece.
Arianna Huffington? We were all impressed with how you bounced back from that YouTube fiasco.
- Oh, did she see that? - Everybody did.
It could have been a career killer, but you owned it.
Advocating for divorce-- I mean, that took some serious balls.
Yeah.
Tell me, please, was the bow-tie penis story true? That is hilarious.
From balls to penis.
That's my segue.
I know.
That's a wonderful segue.
Yes, it is a true story, and, in fact, it was a hot-pink bow tie on a rather engorged, uh, uncircumcised reddish penis.
I wouldn't have gone with hot pink.
- That's so crazy.
- That's not the right color.
It's not his color.
That is just perfect, perfect, perfect.
That's what we want, your unique take on the whole divorce dating landscape-- The good, the bad, and the ugly, raw, sexy, uncensored Abby McCarthy.
Raw, sexy, uncensored, wow.
We love it.
We're thinking front-page promotion and making you editor-at-large, Huff Post Divorce.
Um, that's incredible.
Wow.
I-I don't know what to say.
You are having a moment.
If I were you, I'd say yes.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What's going on? Did somebody die? Lilly's been getting bullied at school.
What? Why? What happened? I don't understand why this is such a big deal.
It's a big deal becau-- Jake? There's a list going around school, a slut list, and Lilly's on it.
Oh, my God.
Charlie! What are you talking about? Look, the parents are talking about the Huffington Post article, just like they used to talk about your books and our kids' poops and colics, except now it's ten dates in two days and an electric sexual encounter and a penis cheater with a bow tie.
So it's my fault? - Abby-- - That's not fair.
Abby, the parents talk.
The kids aren't deaf.
I don't want to fight about this, 'cause I'm gonna call the principal, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Good, and in the mean-- Abby? And in the meantime, I think you need to lay off the 50 Shades of Abby Shit.
While we have a daughter in high school.
Well, that's gonna be a little difficult, because Arianna Huffington read my "column of shame," and she loved it, and she's offered me a full-time gig.
Okay, I think that is a really, really bad idea.
Well, I think I really, really need to pay for the crack in the foundation, and I think I really need to pay for your "$8 billion a month" spousal support.
Hey, keep your voice down.
Horses! Goddamn, motherfrickin' horses.
I don't understand.
Why would Frumpkis buy six horses? We went to a renaissance fair once.
He nearly keeled over from an asthma attack.
It doesn't make any sense.
You know what? The important thing is what are you gonna do? I told Delia to keep on digging.
I want to know every cent that son of a bitch has spent or hidden in the past five years.
Mm.
Mm.
Zooey's got to nail that interview now.
She's got to nail it.
No big checks for a while.
- You want this? - Mm-mm.
A couple of bites of high fructose corn syrup and all your troubles will disappear.
I have my corn syrup.
Good for you.
Skinny bitch.
I brought the hall of shame on to my family, Jo.
Oh, come on.
Did my piece put Lilly on the slut list? Am I the slut? Definitely not.
You're not even sleeping with a man.
You're sleeping with a manuscript.
You've got to call this guy, or you've got to read this or something.
Are you afraid it's bad? Who cares? What, are you gonna marry the guy? Come on, just call him.
There's one more cupcake downstairs.
I'm gonna split it with you.
No, I won't.
It's all mine.
I'm on a Frumpkis bender.
Yes! That was amazing.
Ford, you were so smooth and sexy, you could sell those Coke guys a Sprite.
What did you call us-- Next-gen urban locavores? Oh, that's just marketing BS.
It was you two that they loved.
Phoebe's passion for reclaiming space and your thoughts on health-oriented social justice-- They ate that stuff up.
Ford, thank you for putting all this together, man.
Hey, thank this lady.
All right, I need to get to it.
- Mwah, mwah.
- Thank you for everything.
Look forward to working together and go kick some hydroponic butt.
Oh, my God, we have to go celebrate.
Please, can we celebrate? Why-- What is that face? Does the signage have to say Homegrown - Oh, my God.
- Presented by Coca-Cola? Marco, please, please.
Sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot.
You're right, Phoebe.
Thank you for-- For what Ford said.
I mean, your passion is-- It's incredible.
Whoa.
Um - Oh, wow.
- Phoebe, I'm sorry.
Did I give a-- The wrong vibe? No, you did not--did not give the wrong vibe.
I'm sorry.
Um, I'm gonna go.
I am such an idiot.
Oh, my God.
You've reached Max McCarthy and McCarthy Landscapes.
Please leave a message.
Hey, babe, it's me again.
Give me a ring.
The Getty Center? I don't care if your client is from Bordeaux.
My client gets half the wine cellar, or you will see my smiling face in court.
Gordon Beech is holding.
Thanks.
Yes? So I understand playing hard to get, but this is getting a little silly, don't you think? I'm not playing.
- I'm mulling.
- Take a risk.
In my profession, we learn to evaluate the risks and act accordingly.
Fine.
Evaluate your risks with me on the most beautiful beach in the world.
The plane leaves Friday night.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Say yes or yes.
Maybe.
You know, in 20 years, you're going to be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than the ones you did.
That's Mark Twain.
Yes.
But it's also me.
I'm just asking you to give us a chance.
Your persistence is charming.
I'll take that as an "I'll see you then.
" - This just came by messenger.
- Oh.
It's from the PI you put on Frumpkis.
Great.
That was fast.
Oh, no.
As you know, we have zero tolerance for bullying here at the Center.
That's great, Vicki.
So what exactly are you doing about this? Okay.
We've already done our own investigation.
We know who's behind the stunt.
Unfortunately, this cyber activity took place off school campus, so we have limited jurisdiction.
- Jurisdiction? - What does that mean? The list hasn't been distributed on campus.
No school computers were used.
We've issued a stern warning, and we've contacted the parents, but otherwise, our hands are tied.
Your hands are tied.
How much tuition do we pay here? - It's a lot of money, isn't it? - Yeah.
In situations like this, we find it most effective if the families sit down together, talk it through, make it a teachable moment.
The teachable moment is when the school expels the person responsible for the slut list.
O-Okay, so we will take it from here.
You tell us who's responsible.
We will contact the parents ourselves.
Fine.
The so-called slut list was created by Dorie Klein, Nate and Karen Klein's daughter.
Perhaps you know them.
I believe we do.
- Hey.
- Hey.
All right, Lilly, let's go.
Do we really have to do this? Yes, Lilly, we really have to.
Sticking your head in the sand isn't gonna make the problem go away.
Come on, sweetie.
Just so I'm clear about what I'm getting myself into here, does Mrs.
Nate know about the cyber relationship? No.
No.
I don't think so.
You don't thi-- Jake, Abby.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It was lovely getting to know you, Zooey.
Likewise, Ms.
Barrows.
Ms.
Frumpkis, thank you so much for the pastries.
- They were delicious.
- Hernández-Frumpkis.
Yes, you're so very welcome.
So when can Zooey start officially? Well, I'm afraid I have some disappointing news.
After speaking with the board this morning, it seems we can't accommodate a new student mid-semester.
We'd be more than happy to view her application again for next fall.
The board? Would that be the same moms who run the fund-raising committee, by any chance? Thank you, Ms.
Barrows.
We'll be sure to do that.
It was such a pleasure meeting you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay, Mom.
I can always homeschool until September.
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
It'll be easy.
What's going on, Delia? What kind of info? I'm glad we're having this conversation in person.
I mean, it just--you know, it makes it so much more civilized.
Exactly, because things can just get lost in translation when people aren't in the same room.
Exactly.
Much better than the phone or texting, right, Abby? Yeah.
Okay, so, this is-- This is going well so far.
We have some cookies and some tea and kids, and here we are, talking all civilized, like a couple of members of the Directors' Guild trying to hash through a tough scene.
- Right, Jake? - Yeah.
And one Oscar between them.
Right.
Anyway, we talked to Dorie, and it seems it was just bad judgment on her part.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't a big deal.
I took it down.
That's great.
Thank you, Dorie.
I still think that this is a teachable moment, though.
I think we should talk about why it's so offensive to call girls sluts.
- Oh, my God, Mom, seriously.
- Lilly, it is-- When you call a girl a slut, you make her feel bad about her sexuality, and there is nothing wrong with female sexuality.
This is not happening.
I couldn't agree more, Abby.
Thank you so much.
Although the word could be appropriate to describe, say, a woman who had broken up a marriage or something.
I don't know.
Can a third party really break up a marriage that's not already broken? Thank you.
That's right.
And that's just another form of shaming, isn't it? Shaming, exactly.
Even if the woman had sex with a married man? Well, Dorie's apologized-- Hold on.
Hold on one second.
Can I ask you a quick writing question? Sure.
Okay, so let's say you got a writing partner, and you guys are texting for, like, a year, working on a project.
I was under the impression that that script never actually got made.
Am I wrong? - Oh, it got made.
- Really? I-I never saw it, but I heard it was a huge flop.
Huh.
It was a great script.
It was a terrible movie.
Well, see, I didn't know a movie had actually gotten made.
Me neither, Jake.
One of the people wasn't supposed to be working outside the studio system.
Well, I was told that person was free to do independent work.
What movie? You know, sometimes an actor will leave a project only to realize that he has made a terrible mistake.
Sean Connery, for example, 007-- I mean, he took a little hiatus, worked on a few other projects, only to come back to the role that he really loved, James Bond.
Can Lilly and I go now? Do you think maybe it would have been a good idea to tell me you had slept with the guy? - Really? - We were already separated.
- That's not the point.
- It wasn't relevant.
Okay, so just so I know, there's Nate.
There's the handsome guy from the garage.
How many guys from the article did you bang? Maybe I slept with all of them.
It's none of your goddamn business, Jake.
You are unbelievable.
You know that? Really? Hey, Jo.
So what did you do today? School stuff, mostly--PTA, more gridlock in Congress on banning apple juice.
Huh.
So what were you doing at the Getty? I was working up a bid on a project.
They're redoing a piece of that south terrace.
Okay, wow.
That's a big deal.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why didn't you tell me? Who knows how many bids they're getting? Probably a long shot, and you were-- You were checking up on me.
No, no, no.
I was concerned when you didn't answer.
- "Concerned"? - Yes.
When two calls went to voice mail? What is going on with you? Okay, fine.
Look, the guy who brought me in at the Getty is Duncan Hawley.
Duncan Hawley, the pretty one that we met at Outfest? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, how'd that happen? Ran into him while you were away, and-- - You broke the rules.
- No.
Rule one, no screwing anybody we both know.
Shh! I didn't screw him.
I just kissed him.
Then I stopped it.
It'll never happen again.
He understands, and he's offering me an opportunity.
Yes, because he's trying to screw you.
So it's inconceivable that he would be interested in me for my talent? - I didn't say that.
- Really? 'Cause it sure as shit sounded like that.
Okay, what--I don't understand what's happening.
Is this still about the horse farm? The horse farm is just the tip of the iceberg made of shit.
And lies.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
A "lieberg" that is a marriage certificate from Kentucky, 2010.
Oh, my God.
"Robert Frumpkis and Charlene Rae Vinson"? Jesus.
My husband is a polygamist Colonel Sanders living in Kentucky with his equestrian wife, Charlene.
How does this happen? How do you keep a secret like this? Business trips in London.
All those times I took him to the airport, I thought he was going to Heathrow.
He was going to Louisville.
Louisville, huh? I don't know what I'm gonna tell Zooey.
No, no.
You're not gonna tell Zooey right now, okay? We're gonna focus on you.
We're gonna get you through this, Jo.
Uh, it's open, come in.
- Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.
Come on in.
I'm humiliated.
Join the goddamn club.
What--what's going on with you? Um, my husband has a second family.
- What? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Crazy.
- He lives in Kentucky.
Oh, my God.
- Hillbilly horse people.
- You win, mama.
- Yeah.
- You know what? My mom always said when life gives you lemons, drink whiskey.
- Mmm.
- That is good advice.
- It's an earthquake.
- Yeah.
Charlie, Lilly, get under something! - Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! - Oh, my God.
Zooey, baby, it's gonna be okay! - Oh, Jesus! - Oh, my God! - Kids? - Zooey? Oh, my God.
Shit.
- Kids? - Mama, mama, mama.
- Charlie.
- That was crazy.
Yes, it was crazy.
- Lilly, how are you? - Fine.
That was a big one, I know.
Watch the glass.
There's a lot of glass.
Phoebe, where are your kids? Oh, they're in New York, thank God, with Ralf.
Oh, my God, Abby, the power's out in the whole neighborhood.
I cannot believe you guys live in this hell mouth.
We are seconds away from something biblical.
Soon it's gonna be--it's gonna be locusts and cattle disease.
- Jo.
- Mama, I'm scared.
Are you scared? I'm okay.
We're okay.
We're fine.
We're all together.
It's just dark.
I don't like the dark.
I know, sweetheart.
I know.
But you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna have an earthquake party.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
What's an earthquake party? We're gonna get your tent, and we are gonna build a fort all over the middle of this living room, and you can use my phone light.
How about that? Lilly, will you and Zooey go get the sleeping bags? Help them out with that.
I'm gonna sweep.
- Phoebe? - Yeah? - The Dustbuster, somewhere in the closet.
- Okay.
My foot's bleeding like I'm in a Monty Python sketch.
Oh, we got a flesh wound, good one.
- Oh.
- Over here.
Okay, Phoebe, you help me with Jo.
Delia, underneath the kitchen sink is a bunch of emergency lanterns and stuff like that, and can you keep an eye on Charlie while I fix Jo? - Have fun.
- Worst day of my frickin' life.
- Okay, I've got all kinds of-- - Delia doesn't do kids.
Let me light your pathway.
There you go.
I can give you emergency stitches.
I won't really do that.
Do you like camping? I'm just cleaning, so don't panic.
This isn't the hard part.
- Grab my hand.
- Make sure the light stays.
Yeah.
- I blew it with Marco.
- What? I know.
We had this amazing meeting, and what do I do after? I-- You kissed him? Oh, my God, am I that predictable? - You are.
- Ugh.
Man, Lyla would give me so much shit for that.
Lyla would smack you in the head.
She would.
She always said I led with my "vagine.
" Ugh.
Can we just say vagina? No, because the vagina goes to the doctor and delivers babies.
The "vagine" is, like, this magical power source, or it's your sensuality.
Both have to be balanced to stay in harmony.
Huh.
I've never really heard the Dalai Lama express that theory before.
I need to stop leading with sex.
I need to start leading with me.
I just--the me part is very elusive.
Honey, you know what? You are kicking ass.
- You really are.
- Thank you.
You know, and old habits die-- Okay, wait a minute.
I think this is the last one.
Okay, yeah.
Ready? One, two, three.
Out.
Thank God.
I've had enough of this earnest bullshit.
My husband has a second family, and I need to get trashed.
Don't marry the bastard in the first place.
That's your next HuffPo article.
Yeah, that sounds good.
There's not gonna be any more HuffPo articles, not if it's gonna destroy my daughter's life.
Emases Nepo! What was that? It means "open sesame" backwards.
You have to say it to get in.
Emases Nepo! Ow.
Oh, God, what is that smell? Chad's farts.
Who's Chad? - My imaginary friend.
- Oh.
He's afraid of the dark.
How do you stop being afraid of something? I don't know.
I guess you, um make yourself do that thing that you're afraid of, and then you realize you're not afraid anymore.
You just thought you were.
What are you afraid of? Commitment.
That's stupid.
How come girls don't have penises? - Abby? - Hey.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Everything's fine.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, everything's fine.
They're-- They're in the tent.
Oh, my God, I must have broken 100 traffic laws getting here.
I know how Charlie gets afraid of the dark.
He's okay.
I brought a bunch of flashlights.
He's fine.
He's good.
Everybody's good.
We have our phone flashlights, Dad.
All right, good job, pal.
I have the emergency kits.
I have water.
Okay, did you--did you remember to turn off the gas? 'Cause you've got to get the gas off.
Everything's under control.
- You put it to the left? - Yes.
- Okay.
I see that.
Good.
Good.
- It's scary.
It's scary, I know.
- A big earthquake.
- Yeah.
Okay.
All: Yay! - Mazel tov.
- Daddy comes, and then the lights come on.
All right, Charlie, go get your PJs on.
No, Dad! Earthquakes are fun! Come in the tent with me.
Your dad's not staying.
Hmm.
Hi.
What's up? Um, Mom, there's something I haven't told you.
But you promise not to be mad? Um, I can't promise that, but I will try.
Um, what happened at school wasn't your fault - Mm.
- 'Cause I put myself on the slut list.
What? Why would you do that? You're getting mad.
Why would you do that? 'Cause boys like girls who they think do stuff.
Oh, my God, that is so backwards.
Lilly, that whole list is so backwards.
Boys may think they like girls who do stuff, but nine times out of ten, they prefer girls who don't do stuff, and they don't know that until they do stuff with girls who don't do stuff.
I mean, there are definitely guys who like girls who do do stuff.
So am I supposed to do stuff or not do stuff? No, no, no, look, it's totally fine if you do do stuff, but you are way too young to do stuff right now.
Sex is complicated.
It can be so great when it's with the right person, and it can be absolute shit when it's with the wrong person, and I'm sorry I used that word, but it really is that bad.
Look, any guy who likes you because you are on that list is the wrong guy, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
I read your article.
You did? Did you--did you have sex with all those guys who you wrote about? No, of course not.
Okay.
All the moms were talking.
I'll bet they were.
I'm not surprised.
It doesn't matter.
People aren't always gonna be happy with my choices or yours, and that is not what matters.
What matters is that you make choices that are right for you and not out of fear, you know.
That's what matters.
I think you should write the column, then.
You do? - Mm-hmm.
- Why? Because you shouldn't be slut shamed.
That's the most incredible thing any daughter could say to a mother-- "You shouldn't be slut shamed.
" I love you.
Don't worry.
Go to bed.
- Sweet dreams.
- Night.
Good night.
Okay, Will, show me what you got.
Marco? Hi.
Phoebe.
Um, first of all, I was out of line, and I-I want to apologize.
It's a tic, and I'm-- I'm working on it.
So I hope you can forgive me.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And second of all, I just got off the phone with Ford.
Coke is willing to eliminate the signage for the pilot project.
After that, it'll be a case-by-case basis.
I think it's a pretty good deal, but you have to be comfortable with it.
So, if you are, great.
If you're not, I get it.
Questions? Um no.
Are we good? We are.
Cool.
The Hernández-Frumpkis lacrosse field? Are you serious? How did that happen? - Oh, Delia's a genius.
- I know she is.
Since Rob's marriage to Charlene Rae Vinson ain't legal Yeah? Guess who owns half the frickin' horses, baby? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah.
Did you donate a horse to the school? I sold a horse, and I donated the proceeds to get my baby into this snobby joint.
Sold two more, pocketed the cash.
Who knew there was a horse section on eBay? - That's incredible.
- Mm-hmm.
F you, Rob Frumpkis.
Yes, all the way to the bank, apparently.
Go get 'em, baby.
Have fun, girls.
The things we do for our kids.
Sorry about the traffic, Mr.
Beech.
We should be at Miss Banai's house in about ten minutes.
Before those hands pulled me Never mind, Tom.
Just take me home.
I will not ask you, neither should you Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips We should just kiss like real people do Hi.
She lives.
- Your book - Oh.
It's phenomenal.
I mean, I never knew that stuff about, you know, the details of the Sherpas' lives and--and Nepal.
But more than that, the writing-- You are so talented, Will.
I'm glad you liked it.
I've been an ass.
I've been a-- A douche-y, insecure, immature ass, and I guess I just Panicked? I panicked.
Yeah.
I know you say the whole age thing doesn't mean anything to you, but I-- Maybe it's my fear.
I see myself through your eyes, and I just think, "Why?" Why? You could have anybody you want.
Abby, clearly you don't see yourself through my eyes, because if you did you wouldn't act like such an idiot.
I could not ask you where you came from I could not ask you, neither could you Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips We could just kiss like real people do