Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s03e04 Episode Script
Rule #225: What Happens in Bakersfield Stays in Bakersfield
1 Previously on "Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce" My girlfriend loves your broad shoulders, a but they're blocking her view of the game.
Well, tell your friend to just 2-8's mom.
He was a pro player for the Kansas City Royals.
Heard he's getting a divorce.
- Do you need help? - Didn't think you were the type to like to get dirty.
- Romance.
- Romance.
You should write a romance novel.
I don't know if the gallery is still Still hiring? Always.
Let's give it a shot, Phoebe.
So you hired me for my connections? Tap that Rolodex.
Get me some buyers.
Did you send Gordon those pictures? Tell me the truth.
I thought he had the right to know.
You ruined my life, Albert.
You ruined Gordon's life.
I have a lot of money saved.
That's gonna go surprisingly fast when you have nothing coming in and so much going out.
I'm here and I am ready to get help.
For Zooey.
[sighs.]
What are you doing here? - Even on the cover of "GQ" - - I am never going home with you - A leather jacket don't impress me I'm not a fool I'm kinda different to the girl-next-door I'm looking for something more - Palm Springs! - Yeah! - Hello, hot guys.
- Boy toys ahoy.
Welcome to Whitley Ugh, we just got here after five hours of traffic.
I hope the hotel is great because I am in traffic hell.
Yeah, it's fine.
It's a hotel.
Are you kidding? It's fan-freakin'-tastic.
We're being greeted by a fleet of footmen.
Yeah, well, it would take a fleet to carry Phoebe's suitcases.
What did you bring? We're only gonna be in Palm Springs for two days.
Pucci for poolside, cashmere for the campfire pit.
The Whitley is all about gratuitous wardrobe changes.
I thought this weekend was all about work, Pheebes.
If I'm gonna nab fancy clients for the gallery, I've gotta look like the million bucks I want them to spend.
- Ma'am, where do you want this? - Over there.
Great.
- Is that your luggage? - Yeah.
Frumpkis left my suitcase at rehab when he busted out.
- The crazy mofo.
- I thought he was doing better.
Oh, if you call his, like, phony clean routine better.
Apparently he's "healed" after two weeks of juicing.
- Why are we not moving? - Ha.
He should try kohlrabi.
It's very cleansing.
I'm glad you're getting out of the house, though.
You know? You need a break.
- Who's watching Zooey? - Captain 12Step and my neighbor, but don't worry, - I got a back-up plan.
- Yeah.
Hey, Abs, I can't believe you're still on the road.
Nightmare, huh? Actually, I think I am here.
The Bakersfield Motor Lodge.
Oh, there's Tanner! I'm gonna go say, hi.
Okay.
Abby, there are men everywhere.
Baseball in Bakersfield, it's a close second.
I still can't believe you made regional's.
Tell the little weirdo I said, "Congrats.
" Ugh, more like "condolences.
" - Shh! - What? She can't hear me.
She's in Bakersfield.
Her phone is probably melting as we speak.
Yeah, I'm just a stranger in a strange land.
That is all, but I am actually gonna give the, um The whole romance novel thing a a go.
Gonna set it in the baseball world which is actually kinda Kinda hot.
- Baseball? - Oh, my, Abby McCarthy, are you gettin' a thing for the coach? [upbeat music.]
Abby? Hello? - Abby.
- Are you still there? I-I What? No, sorry, I just, um Coach is really good writing material, so - All right, wish me luck! - All: Good luck.
- God.
- Oh, no.
Poor Abby.
Ooh.
Pobre cita.
- [all exclaim.]
- [inhales sharply.]
Oh, this place is perfection.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God, look at the boy buffet.
I don't really know if it's my taste.
I mean, the men match the furniture.
Oh, Delia, just enjoy the Whitley whimsy.
It's fun.
It's light.
Just purge your psyche from the L.
A.
psychodrama.
Shag yourself a stag and move on to chapter next.
Yes! [sighs.]
Well, hello.
What brings you boys here? All: Cher.
Wa Come again? As soon as we heard she was performing Hello, ticket broker on speed dial.
I think every guest at this hotel - is here to see her.
- So you're saying every guest here is a fa a fa a fan? - Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Okay.
- Wow.
- I knew they looked too groomed.
- Yeah.
Sorry, ma'am, but your credit card has been declined.
Declined? That's not possible.
It's probably a security thing.
No, the card is over the limit.
Okay, I have the money, it's just that my account hasn't had the usual infusion, um, and we had some unforeseen expenses.
A sleeping bag and some tents and some I'm sorry, but I need to help the next guest.
You're welcome to speak to the manager, but we can't check you in.
Shit.
- Both: Thank you.
- Wonderful.
Okey-dokey, um, all right, Delia, can I stow my bags in your room? Mine's not ready yet.
Turns out that housekeeping is not on the ball at hipster heaven.
- Who would've thought? - Yeah, well, it's no problem.
Turns out I'm going to be sleeping in my room alone.
- What did I miss? - Cher's in town.
- Okay.
- 'Nuff said.
Well, sexual identity is fluid.
It's true.
- They're very gay.
- They are.
Not all of 'em.
[upbeat music.]
Gordon is here.
Okay.
Okay.
Guess what? I'm gonna race you to the room.
We're gonna race to the room.
- Mini bar.
- Focus.
- Hey.
Hey, let's go.
- Come on.
Mini bar.
[sighs.]
La la la, la la la, la She told me she loves me [car alarm chirps.]
Hey! Hey.
There's no bellboy at the Bakersfield Motor Lodge.
- Yeah.
- Oh! Wow.
Let me help you.
I got it.
- No, I'm good.
I'm good.
- I got it.
I can handle it on my own.
Okay.
Okay, Coach.
Good talk.
Look, I know you're in the middle of a divorce.
I have been there.
It's so hard.
So if you ever need, like, a friendly ear I have an ear to lend.
Charlie should carry his own bag.
[sighs.]
[groans.]
- What is he doing here? - I don't know, Mamma.
- It's just bad luck.
- Maybe he's an FOC.
A friend of Cher? You wanna leave? We can leave.
Of course I wanna leave.
Of all the hotels in Southern California I have to come to the one with gay men and Gordon? If we leave now that means I can surprise Frumpkis with a sneak attack.
See if the mouse is drunk while the cat's away.
Hm? Pheeb? I mean, we'd have to give up our room, but, I mean, I'm fine with that.
I don't wanna leave.
I wanna stay - Okay.
- All right.
- And talk to him.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- That's a bad idea.
- What are the odds us both being in the same hotel? How many times have I tried to reach him since the wedding? He's never returned my text or emails He caulked the door.
That means you got to walk away.
But you can't plan on being buried side-by-side in the family plot and then just never speak to the guy again for the rest of your life.
Oh, yeah, you totally can.
What if he's here with another woman? That would make the relationship conversation - a little awkward.
- Bunny boiler territory, honey.
- Yeah.
- I wish Abby was here.
[sighs.]
Well I am here to fill the Abby vacuum.
Screw Gordon and whatever bitch he rode in on.
We are staying here and we are having a good time.
- Unless you wanna go.
- No! I can do this.
I'm not giving up my weekend with you guys.
Let's cocktail! Baseball ready always.
Here we go.
[fanfare on organ.]
- Oh, come on.
- Abby, you're here! Welcome.
- Cheers.
Hi.
Wow, this is amazing.
Yeah, the game's on the field, but the action is in the bleachers.
- Can I hydrate you? - Ooh, cocktails.
Yes, you can never be too hydrated.
Let's go, 2-1! - Oh! - Both: Yes! - Ball! - Both: Oh, come on, Blue! Blue! Why is the coach so tightly wound? He's so gruff.
- More lately.
He's going through some divorce stuff.
Yeah.
Poor guy.
He's a mess.
I mean, I know you're a free woman and everything, - but - Oh, no! God, no.
I-I literally wrote the book on divorce, so [laughs.]
I'm not gonna pee where I play.
- Okay.
- No drama here.
Not a drama Mama.
Ball four.
Take your base.
[cheering.]
Hey, Blue, is this your cell phone? 'Cause it's got three missed calls! [laughter.]
Wh He's looking at us.
Oh, that's just because he thinks if we heckle Blue then we're gonna get worse calls.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
Now we know why there's only one "eye" in umpire! [laughter.]
Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game? [laughter.]
Win the battle, kid! Oh, come on, 21, even your balls look great! [gasps.]
2-8's Mom! Sit down! Sorry.
I meant that all of his pitches looked like strikes.
Yeah, well - Ha! - Oh! - Checkmate! - Oh! Someone's feeling better.
- Oh, yeah.
Take that! - Whoo! This is me not dwelling.
Right here.
Oh, here they come in all their glory.
- Delia, Jo, this is David - Hi.
- And Seth and Pancho.
- Both: Hello! Gorgeous gentlemen and a special hola to Pancho.
So you working hard or hardly working? Working.
Don Draper style.
So that was a quick match.
- Who won? - This sinister legal mind - right here.
- I force majeured her King, yo.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, if I don't get to check my texts on my phone - [gasps.]
- What? - Oh, my God, Jo.
- What?! [gasps.]
- Is that Frumpkis? - My ex.
Straight outta rehab.
- Oh, you're horrible.
- So you're spying on him? Oh, I prefer "surveilling.
" I have a couple of, uh, security cameras at my place and the bakery.
And live streaming right here on my phone.
- [laughs.]
- That is so messed up.
- I love it so much.
- You're fantastic.
Well, my kid is there so I'm monitoring his every move.
If he screws up, wham-o, cut him off at the knees, baby.
It looks like he's just working at the bakery, Jo.
Oh, no, to the untrained eye, but watch, look at that.
Okay? What's that? He looks like a lab monkey failing a test.
I am alerted.
I see you.
- You are dark.
- Can I be your new best friend? [laughter.]
All right, now, 2-5! This is you, baby! It's your time! Be a hitter, now! - We need you now! - Come on, we are only down by two, we can still pull this out.
But there's two outs.
God, I have to pee so bad.
Oh, the Porta-a-Pottys are in the parking lot over there.
[groans.]
- Big hit, baby! - All right, let's go, Diego! - Bring it home, Diego! - Load it down Diego! - Oh! - [cheering.]
Go! Go! You're scoring! You're scoring! Let's go, 2-5! Let's go! All the way! All the way! [overlapping shouting.]
[cheering.]
- Yeah! - [cheering.]
- Out! - What? No! - [all groan.]
- Both: What?! No, no, you can't make that call.
How's their team paying you? Cash or check? You cannot be serious! That call is garbage! Stand down or I'm ejecting you! It's physically impossible.
The player slides in, the catcher tags him on the thigh.
His foot is already on the plate! That's not baseball, that's anatomy! Come on! Are you serious, Blue? - Oh, my God.
- Make the tag.
Make the tag and show me how that's physically possible! He's doing an instant replay.
This is insane! - That is garbage! - Oh, God, I-I gotta go.
Okay.
[whimpers.]
[insects buzzing.]
[exhales sharply.]
[gagging.]
[whimpers.]
Denny's down the street.
Denny's down the street.
[grunts.]
[sighs.]
Coach Mike Brady.
Mike.
2-8's mom, what are you Sorry, this is not a habit.
I just, um I had a little bit too much of Linda's bug juice and then the Port-a-Potty smelled so So you went for a nature pee in the parking lot? Well, I just couldn't tear myself away from that Watching me make a spectacle of myself.
No, that's not what I said.
And getting ejected from the game.
- You got ejected from the game? - Yeah, thanks for that.
- Wait.
You're blaming me? - If you weren't up there - talking dirty and heckling - I wasn't talking dirty! We might've gotten some decent calls and I wouldn't - have lost my shit.
- I wasn't talking dirty! I'm sorry, but I thought Blue was being a real tool! He was! But I don't need you making the umpire all hot and bothered.
[spits.]
[gasps.]
Oh, the umpire was all hot and bothered? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
[exhales sharply.]
[laughter.]
Oh, hey, will you sign that, Phoebe, I'll get you later? Yeah.
[indistinct chatter.]
We don't have four-digit numbers on the property.
- Did you mean 184? - Mm.
Yes, I meant 184! I just hard lemonade just got me loopy.
It just anyways, it probably happens all the time.
- We should go.
- [together.]
: Yes.
- No! You guys are so much fun! - Both: I know! - What are you doing tomorrow? - Come to the concert.
The concierge can still get tickets! - That is a yes! - Okay! It is sunny with a chance of Oh, my God.
He is here on business.
Good for Gordon.
Let's go.
- Let's go! - Studs, we gotta motor.
No, you know what? It is a sign.
Us both being here at the same hotel.
I can't avoid him all weekend.
See you guys soon.
Excellent.
Thank you.
I'll see you soon.
Gordon.
[clears throat.]
Hi.
- Delia.
- Hey, isn't this crazy? Both of us just Anyway, uh, this isn't really a big hotel and I was thinking that we could maybe get together and talk.
I've been wanting to, since, um what happened.
Yeah, I'm here for the Indian Wells Tournament.
- We're working on a partnership.
- Oh.
Wow.
I don't think I'll have the time.
Yeah, well, I didn't mean now.
I meant maybe later.
You know, we could make the time.
There was just so much left unsaid Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna have the time.
It's a real busy weekend.
- Oh.
A [upbeat music.]
Okay, just you gotta just put him outta your mind.
Sweat him out.
Sweat out the Gordon! Oh, God, you should've seen the way he looked at me.
It was like I had Ebola.
Like I had emotional Ebola.
[groans.]
Enough.
Just You know what? You gotta bring out your Cher tonight.
- Embrace it.
- I'll try.
Can we just talk about something else? Just anything else.
- Yes! Oh! Oh, my gosh! Frumpcam update.
That liar gets up in the middle of the night and pees seven times.
Seven times! If that's not a sign for saucin' I don't know what is.
It's all about my kid.
I'm worried about her, you know? With all this stuff that's going on Don't worry.
She's gonna be fine.
She's a tough kid.
Hey, embrace your Cher tonight.
- Right? - Okay.
Okay, fine.
- [laughs.]
- What happened with Phoebe - this morning? - I don't know.
No, I don't know.
She's sleeping I think.
Okay.
Oh! [whimpers.]
Ohh.
[chuckles.]
Okay, that was probably the best thing I have seen since I got here.
- I mean, maybe since ever.
- Glad to be amusing.
The way you sprang outta there.
It was like leaping across the lawn.
It was like post-modern Martha Graham.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you lost your strappy sandals.
Oh, Joie Renee.
I love her.
I'm I'm Phoebe.
Gemma.
Gemma Sacco? I am.
No escaping it.
The legacy is everywhere.
Thanks, Dad.
- So, uh, you married? - Uh It's usually the husband who gets the hammock.
Yes, I am not here with my husband.
I'm here with my friends.
- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.
How long you been married? Two months.
That's not That's not why I'm here.
JD, my husband, is amazing.
I, uh, just needed to get out of L.
A.
It can be a little stifling.
This is a great place to chill.
- It's only 102 in the shade.
- I know.
- I know.
- So you here for the concert? No! No, um, I am a consultant for Damien Fields Gallery so I'm just here to see some collectors.
Well, I am a collector, but we can talk about that later because right now I am collecting you.
You must come to the concert with us tonight.
- I don't have tickets.
- You don't need tickets.
- We have laminates.
- Um okay.
Um, it's fine.
Yeah, don't need that.
Wow, this place is like a pawn shop for showgirls.
Oh, what Eagle Scout gave his life for this? - Whoo.
- [cell phone ringing.]
Hey, Abs, how goes it? Great.
It was an 8:00am game, got mercied, now I'm about to hit up the local superstore for some Zappo stain remover.
Which is seemingly the only product on Earth toxic enough to clean baseball pants.
It'll probably also give me insta-cancer.
Hm, that's one way out.
Wow, Delia, you're not having fun? Well, Gordon's actually here this weekend.
Gordon Beech?! No! We're not gonna talk about this.
We're going to the Cher concert.
We're gonna have ourselves a wonderful time.
All right, my little "Half-Breed"? Was Cher even Native American? Cherilyn Sarkisian sounds Armenian to me.
Hm, I don't know if I'm on my game enough to go.
Full headdress? - You look amazing! - Thanks.
- [humming.]
- [gasps.]
Holy "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"! - Phoebe, that is beyond! - Wait! Wait! I wanna see! Guys, turn it around! Wow! Oh, my God! Is that a Bob Mackie? I don't know.
It doesn't have a label.
- Oh.
- What's it going for? - $3,800.
- [all exclaim.]
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
- Phoebe.
- Oh, boy.
Phoebe! You know what? Before you say anything, I am not courting Gemma Sacco in a macramé bikini.
- It's not happening.
- Who? Phoebe hooked up with the daughter of Ralph Sacco.
Australian billionaire.
She's a full-time party girl.
Big-time art collector.
And if I nab her I am gonna make this back times ten.
Well, I'm glad I'm down the "Moonstruck" route.
A hell of a lot cheaper.
What's going on, kiddo? - The guys are losing? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, but it's still pool play, you know? Mike gets really worked up which is so sexy.
Oh, my God.
Help me.
Oh, no, this is for R&D only.
- For the book.
- I know.
I know.
- And no one-on-ones! Yeah, and I'm gonna stop imbibing because it just makes me too loose.
These baseball moms are monster partiers.
All their sport bottles are filled with booze.
Oh, my God, Frumpkis.
Booze in the water bottle.
Booze in the water bottle.
- Stop.
Jo, stop.
- Water bottle! The booze.
Enough, Frumpkis apologists.
I'm going in.
Abby, I gotta go.
Oh, my God.
[stammers.]
I gotta call him.
- No.
[stammering.]
- Snap out of it! Thank you so much.
I needed that.
- Sorry.
You okay? - It's fine.
It's fine.
I-I needed that.
I mean, it's very cute and it's only $11.
I think it's the more sensible way to go, don't you think? I never knew a bathing suit made of crocheted twine could be called sensible, but I have to agree.
- Right? - Yeah.
All right, I changed my mind.
I'm gonna return this dress and I'm gonna get this bikini.
I'm sorry.
All sales are final.
I just bought it.
I mean, I haven't even left the store yet.
Just give me my check back.
I've already put it through the register.
I don't care.
I want my money back.
I cannot spend $3,800 on a dress.
- Pheebs, it's cool.
- No, it is not "cool.
" None of this is cool.
I am sick of it.
I have been downsizing and cutting back and none of it matters.
I fired the arborist and now my beautiful, majestic oak tree is going to die, I fired the weekend nanny, but Anouk would still rather hang out with her than with me and I still cannot pay for a room at The Whitley! - You don't have a room? - No.
My card was declined.
I can't believe you didn't tell us.
- Where did you sleep? - In a hammock.
It was fine.
- My God.
- Oh, Phoebe.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Just don't feel bad for me.
I just needed to vent.
[line trilling.]
Hey, Jo, how's the desert? Spare me the banter, Señor Smoothie.
- I'm on to you.
- On to what? Sneaking booze in your water bottle.
You been sucking on it like Zooey when she figured out what my boobs were for.
Are you spying on me? That's not the point, okay? The point is your a weak-livered lying son-of-a-bitch who's still saucin'.
You looking at me right now? Hm? - [thuds.]
- Wha Hey, what the eff, psycho? Those cookies are five bucks each! You are the psycho! Hey, uh, Ethan, get over here.
- Drink this.
- Hey, inappropriate.
- He is underage.
- Exactly! [gulps, exhales.]
It's water.
A little backwash-y.
Thanks.
And thank you, Jo, for the vote of confidence.
What do you want from me? I mean, Zooey's there, and you're not exactly Manny Poppins and it's been two weeks since you busted out of rehab.
It's not Alcatraz! I just signed myself out! Mom, give him a break.
He's fine.
I have a ton of pre-calc studying and I can't focus if I have to block out - all the fighting.
- Fighting? We're not fighting.
Yes, we are! Jo, you have reason not to trust me, but you have got to at least try! And look at yourself out there in your desert paradise while you're watching me on your phone? It's kinda sad.
[upbeat music.]
[clears throat.]
There's a washer here.
I know you have some things to clean.
I actually do have to clean these pants because Charlie seems obsessed with sliding.
Yeah, my idiotic slide did a number on these.
Oh, no, don't put them in the dryer like that.
You'll just The heat will seal in the dirt.
Laundry was never my department.
It was my ex's.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, well, friend-to-friend, um, that is part of the deal.
You start to realize how much you outsourced to your spouse.
It's humbling, but it gets better.
It's got to.
Give them to me.
Let me scrub them.
Sorry for earlier.
For the spitting or the blaming? - [chuckles.]
- It's fine.
It's fine.
I accept.
It's rough all around.
My kid is hitting 0-14.
Well, maybe you just need to loosen up a little bit.
You wanna get a drink? - Oh, I - From the vending machine.
- Oh what? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait.
You drink soda? I'm shocked.
I'm sure there's like a kale flavor or something.
Oh, definitely.
Small-batch root beer.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
I don't even know why I'm laughing.
- Yeah, it wasn't that funny.
- [laughs.]
["I Got You, Babe" playing.]
They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out until we grow Both: Ooh, Hoo, wee! Shall we talk about our plans? I'm all ears, Cher.
Oh, I don't know about that, Sonny.
Maybe all nose.
[laughs.]
Oh, there's Gemma.
I gotta bounce.
But I will see you at the show.
- Wait.
- It's work.
Unbelievable.
Alas, looks like Pancho's bagging.
He got a break-up Snapchat from this guy he thought The One so he's not up for a big "Camp Out.
" - Oh.
- You know what? I'm gonna find Pancho.
I'll stay with him.
- What? - I just I can't.
I can't keep it up anymore.
You can scalp my ticket.
I don't think you should use that word in that outfit, but I'm fine staying here.
We can just hang at the hotel, play a little Cher-aoke.
Jo, I appreciate it, but, no.
This is the first time you've looked up from the Frumpcam since we got here.
I gotta keep an eye on that train-wreck.
- He's parked at my house.
- Yeah, it's a mess.
Which is exactly why when you leave, you have to leave.
So when you get back you can deal with the mishugas at home.
Oy.
Since when did you learn Yiddish? I'm a lawyer.
You pick it up.
Go.
Have a blast.
Fellas? Both: I got - Shall we? - Let's do this.
Both: You, babe What was your department in your marriage? Taxes and Costco is my bitch.
Oh.
[laughs.]
I just You know what? Shopping in bulk for a lifetime supply of granola bars just doesn't make sense to me.
I always end up spending $400 more than I need to.
'Cause you get distracted by shiny things.
- Yes, I do.
- Not me.
I'm a pro.
D'Artagnan ABF bone-in rib-eye 19 pounds for $300.
And 29 bucks for 1.
75 liters of Kirkland Vodka.
Beats all the top shelf brands in blind taste tests.
Wow, this is super-impressive.
That is all good to know.
- Yeah.
- You know, I can finish this laundry for you if you wanna go - Go where? - Go I Downstairs with all the other parents.
Have a real drink.
You're like a rock star to those guys.
After two losses I'm not.
Believe me, they're down by the pool shit talking me as we speak.
That hurts your feelings? Better to stay above the fray.
I have to draw a hard line between parents and coach.
- Otherwise it's - Anarchy.
Yeah, I get that.
- Really? - Yeah, it just seems like baseball's all hard lines.
It's line-ups and line drives and baselines telling you what's fair - and what's foul and - Right.
There's a line in here, too.
Yes and I am I'm glad you brought that up because if I'm reading things right, there's like a vibe between us, but I get it.
Hard line.
Just with everything going on in your life and mine, too, it's you know, not to mention the kids and the team.
We We can't Cross the line.
[gentle music.]
[moans.]
[upbeat funky music.]
Okay, wait.
Wait, what's the matter? Are you okay? Yeah, I just don't want to pee where I play.
- Oh, charming.
- [laughs.]
And I think you already did.
Literally.
I know.
I know, but we're just gonna hold up at third.
I'm making the call on this one.
I can't get over that slide.
What was the coach thinking? - I know, right? - I'll meet you by the pool.
I'm gonna get some ice.
[upbeat music.]
This cherry is full of sorrow.
Mm.
Give me that cherry.
Whoo! [laughs.]
- See ya later, sorrow! - [both laugh.]
Oh, God, this moonshine is kicking my ass.
Mm.
[scoffs.]
Of course he shows up when I'm Sloppy Suzie.
- Is that him? - Uh-huh.
Muy hunky.
Muy.
He loved me so much and I had to do everything I could to hurt him.
Did you love him? I did.
I do.
So what are you doing here? Go to him and make amends.
Prostrate yourself and beg for forgiveness.
[exhales sharply.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh! [laughs.]
Hi, Gordon.
- I have something to say to - [clatters.]
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you spill your Louis Quatorze.
I know how much you love that stuff.
It's all right.
I got it.
I got it.
Yeah, I know you've got it.
You just got everything all figured out.
Just Come on.
We're just never gonna talk to each other again? Is that how you wanna play it? - Listen, Delia - No, I'm not listening! I'm talking! Look, I know I hurt you.
I know that I screwed up royally.
And I regret it more than I can say, but you can't just act like we never existed.
It's not logical.
It's not acceptable.
We're adults.
You know you look ridiculous.
Yeah, well, these pigtails are giving me a migraine.
Um I'll just go.
Wait.
You're right.
Maybe we should have a conversation.
Can you do breakfast tomorrow? 8:00? I can.
Okay.
- Delia - Yeah? Cher wishes she ever looked as good as you.
[upbeat gentle music.]
[moaning, laughing.]
Oh! Water break.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my! - I'm good.
- Okay.
- I have a question for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you, uh - More bi than gay.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
- Less of a victory for me.
But potentially a more intriguing lay.
Oh, yeah.
Shall I show you my straight side now? Oh, definitely.
Definitely.
In one second.
Just one second.
Look at my kid studying like an angel.
Now let's search for the ex.
Oh, that is a boner killer.
[screeches.]
You're right.
You know what? I am not going there.
Okay.
- I'm wrong.
Where were we? - Come here.
I'm here at the straight side.
Oh, the straight side of life, baby! - Yeah, that's right.
- The straight side of life.
Okay.
[both moaning.]
[upbeat music.]
- [sighs.]
- Hey, Mamma.
Wow, look what the cat dragged in.
Must have been quite the party marathon last night.
I was wondering what happened to you.
Ohh I had an all-nighter.
It was so great.
We hung out backstage.
I had cashew brittle with Moby! And then we take Gemma's limo to Pechanga and played slots.
I don't remember the last time I rolled so VIP.
- Ever.
- Hm.
- Glad you had fun.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry I didn't see you guys.
You're up and at 'em early.
Yeah.
I, um - bumped into Gordon.
- Whoa.
Now I got breakfast this morning, but I need to bike off last night's moonshine overdose so I don't slur like a hung-over hillbilly.
Wow.
Gordon.
That's major.
I'll tell you about it on the ride home.
Oh, I'm actually, um I am going to fly with Gemma in her helicopter.
It's 30 minutes to L.
A.
It's quite the quality of life upgrade.
[sarcastic laugh.]
Okay, what are you doing, Phoebe? What do you mean, "What am I doing"? - Yeah, you know what I mean.
- No.
Look, I know that you are freaked out about money.
I totally get that, but, well, you still live better than most of the rest of the world.
I know that.
What's your point? You don't need to roll VIP everywhere.
You don't need Gemma.
You just think you do.
And, you know, when you go somewhere in your friends' minivan, you should really go home in your friend' minivan.
I [sighs.]
See ya.
That book better be dedicated to me.
[laughs.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I've been, um I keep thinking about how we made that laundry room so steamy.
Yeah, me, too.
Disaster.
- What? - The rain delay.
Balls are too slippery to pitch, too heavy to hit.
We're actually winning this one and now the momentum's gone.
All bets are off.
Well, you can't control the weather.
We could have controlled ourselves.
I did control myself.
I'm the one that told us to stop at third, remember? I'm superstitious.
Once I'm thinking a thing, I can't Un-think it.
Well, what is it exactly that you can't unthink? We shouldn't have crossed the line and it can't happen again.
So we made it rain? Okay First of all, you invited me to cross that line and what, now we're cursed? - Jesus.
- Appreciate it if you could change your face right now or everyone's gonna know we're not discussing how your kid missed the bunt sign.
Thank you.
[sighs.]
[cell phone chirps.]
[car horn honks, tires screech.]
Oh, shit! Screw you, dick breath! [car horn honks.]
[bike bell dings.]
- [siren wails.]
- Jesus Christ.
[sighs.]
What's the problem, Officer? Have you been drinking, ma'am? [laughs.]
Drinking? It is 6:30 in the morning.
Sunday morning.
Have you been drinking? Have you consumed any alcohol in the last 24 hours? Okay, relax, I'm on a bike.
If you haven't noticed.
I did notice, but if you've been drinking, it's a CUI.
Cycling Under the Influence.
I'm gonna have to ask you to take a breathalyzer test.
[laughs.]
I'm a lawyer.
[Breathalyzer beeping.]
You have to be kidding me.
Do I look like I'm kidding? [sighs.]
[upbeat music.]
Thank you for bailing me out.
This is so humiliating.
[chuckles.]
They just gave me one call and I didn't want you to think that I bailed on you for breakfast.
I didn't even think a CUI was a thing.
Yeah, well, me, too.
It's so stupid.
[sighs.]
I'm really sorry for this.
And I'm really sorry about breakfast.
I'm really sorry about what I did with Albert.
It wasn't because I didn't love you, it was because I did and I never stopped wanting you, I just didn't want to be married.
And I acted out instead of talking to you.
Maybe if I communicated with you, we wouldn't have ended up That's That's all I need to hear.
[exhales sharply.]
I accept your apology.
I believe you never meant to hurt me But you did.
You KO'd me.
And whatever shred of faith in love I still have is not enough to go another round with you.
I could never trust you.
I'm not angry, I'm just ready to move on.
But, Gordon last night The way that you looked at me.
- It really seemed - I do.
I always will.
It just doesn't matter anymore.
- Of course it does - No, it doesn't.
If you're truly sorry, don't call me.
And if we should run into each other, just keep moving.
[somber music.]
Hello, beautiful, happy people.
Hi.
Can I hand you this? - Hey.
- Hi.
- What's up, girl? - [smooches.]
Not much, just a beautiful day to be up in the sky.
Oh, sweets, I totally spaced.
The helo only holds eight, so we're full.
We already got seven plus Chow-Chow.
- Oh.
- Hey, Phoebe, could you hand me one of those waters for Chow? Yeah.
Okay, so wheels up.
And note to self, - get a bigger helicopter, bitch.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Um Okay, thanks.
- [wolf whistle.]
- [car horn honks.]
- [shouting.]
- [wolf whistles.]
Oh, my God, I thought you guys were never gonna come.
- [smooches.]
- [gasps.]
Did you guys go shopping at the outlets - before picking me up from jail?! - We did not go shopping.
We just picked up things from stores.
Yes, we went shopping, but we did get stuff on the way.
We got you something.
- It's a Hermes, baby.
- Oh, my God, Phoebe, - you shouldn't - I didn't spend money.
I swiped it.
See? - What? - Good luck with that.
I'm not gonna make a habit of it, - I just needed a dopamine hit.
- Okay, Winona.
Sorry you didn't have breakfast with Gordon.
Yeah, well, I didn't get waffles, but I got 20,000 calories worth of closure.
- Hm.
- Hey aren't you supposed to be on a chopper? You know what? There is more legroom in a minivan and, besides, Gemma is - [cell phone chimes.]
- - Gemma wants to meet me in L.
A.
- Okay, Jo, - how'd it go last night? - Oh, let's just say we played a little "I Got You Babe" - in my bed.
- Ew.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, yeah.
[cheering.]
Good job.
That's awesome.
So this W means we go to Super Regional's next weekend? Yeah, in Santa Clarita.
We get to do it all over again.
- Yes! - Oh, wait! Hold! Charlie wait! Go get your bag.
- Do you mind? - Oh, sure.
So you realize we went from a major slump to a huge win today.
- Booyah.
- So maybe last night was good luck.
You know what that means.
Oh, please.
Well, we'd have to do it again.
For the team.
You know what? Don't give me the little sparkly eye thing.
I knew this was a mistake.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I got a little spooked.
Okay? And I haven't whatever that was in a long time.
- Okay.
- But I like you, Abby.
[upbeat music.]
And I don't like many people, Yeah.
[chuckles.]
That I believe, but, uh, maybe we should just leave it at "We'll always have Bakersfield.
" Yeah, but you'd miss out on the double load dryer at the Santa Clarita Days Inn.
You know you just called me Abby.
Like, three sentences back.
Lucky you.
La la la, la la la, la Isn't she lovely?
Well, tell your friend to just 2-8's mom.
He was a pro player for the Kansas City Royals.
Heard he's getting a divorce.
- Do you need help? - Didn't think you were the type to like to get dirty.
- Romance.
- Romance.
You should write a romance novel.
I don't know if the gallery is still Still hiring? Always.
Let's give it a shot, Phoebe.
So you hired me for my connections? Tap that Rolodex.
Get me some buyers.
Did you send Gordon those pictures? Tell me the truth.
I thought he had the right to know.
You ruined my life, Albert.
You ruined Gordon's life.
I have a lot of money saved.
That's gonna go surprisingly fast when you have nothing coming in and so much going out.
I'm here and I am ready to get help.
For Zooey.
[sighs.]
What are you doing here? - Even on the cover of "GQ" - - I am never going home with you - A leather jacket don't impress me I'm not a fool I'm kinda different to the girl-next-door I'm looking for something more - Palm Springs! - Yeah! - Hello, hot guys.
- Boy toys ahoy.
Welcome to Whitley Ugh, we just got here after five hours of traffic.
I hope the hotel is great because I am in traffic hell.
Yeah, it's fine.
It's a hotel.
Are you kidding? It's fan-freakin'-tastic.
We're being greeted by a fleet of footmen.
Yeah, well, it would take a fleet to carry Phoebe's suitcases.
What did you bring? We're only gonna be in Palm Springs for two days.
Pucci for poolside, cashmere for the campfire pit.
The Whitley is all about gratuitous wardrobe changes.
I thought this weekend was all about work, Pheebes.
If I'm gonna nab fancy clients for the gallery, I've gotta look like the million bucks I want them to spend.
- Ma'am, where do you want this? - Over there.
Great.
- Is that your luggage? - Yeah.
Frumpkis left my suitcase at rehab when he busted out.
- The crazy mofo.
- I thought he was doing better.
Oh, if you call his, like, phony clean routine better.
Apparently he's "healed" after two weeks of juicing.
- Why are we not moving? - Ha.
He should try kohlrabi.
It's very cleansing.
I'm glad you're getting out of the house, though.
You know? You need a break.
- Who's watching Zooey? - Captain 12Step and my neighbor, but don't worry, - I got a back-up plan.
- Yeah.
Hey, Abs, I can't believe you're still on the road.
Nightmare, huh? Actually, I think I am here.
The Bakersfield Motor Lodge.
Oh, there's Tanner! I'm gonna go say, hi.
Okay.
Abby, there are men everywhere.
Baseball in Bakersfield, it's a close second.
I still can't believe you made regional's.
Tell the little weirdo I said, "Congrats.
" Ugh, more like "condolences.
" - Shh! - What? She can't hear me.
She's in Bakersfield.
Her phone is probably melting as we speak.
Yeah, I'm just a stranger in a strange land.
That is all, but I am actually gonna give the, um The whole romance novel thing a a go.
Gonna set it in the baseball world which is actually kinda Kinda hot.
- Baseball? - Oh, my, Abby McCarthy, are you gettin' a thing for the coach? [upbeat music.]
Abby? Hello? - Abby.
- Are you still there? I-I What? No, sorry, I just, um Coach is really good writing material, so - All right, wish me luck! - All: Good luck.
- God.
- Oh, no.
Poor Abby.
Ooh.
Pobre cita.
- [all exclaim.]
- [inhales sharply.]
Oh, this place is perfection.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God, look at the boy buffet.
I don't really know if it's my taste.
I mean, the men match the furniture.
Oh, Delia, just enjoy the Whitley whimsy.
It's fun.
It's light.
Just purge your psyche from the L.
A.
psychodrama.
Shag yourself a stag and move on to chapter next.
Yes! [sighs.]
Well, hello.
What brings you boys here? All: Cher.
Wa Come again? As soon as we heard she was performing Hello, ticket broker on speed dial.
I think every guest at this hotel - is here to see her.
- So you're saying every guest here is a fa a fa a fan? - Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Okay.
- Wow.
- I knew they looked too groomed.
- Yeah.
Sorry, ma'am, but your credit card has been declined.
Declined? That's not possible.
It's probably a security thing.
No, the card is over the limit.
Okay, I have the money, it's just that my account hasn't had the usual infusion, um, and we had some unforeseen expenses.
A sleeping bag and some tents and some I'm sorry, but I need to help the next guest.
You're welcome to speak to the manager, but we can't check you in.
Shit.
- Both: Thank you.
- Wonderful.
Okey-dokey, um, all right, Delia, can I stow my bags in your room? Mine's not ready yet.
Turns out that housekeeping is not on the ball at hipster heaven.
- Who would've thought? - Yeah, well, it's no problem.
Turns out I'm going to be sleeping in my room alone.
- What did I miss? - Cher's in town.
- Okay.
- 'Nuff said.
Well, sexual identity is fluid.
It's true.
- They're very gay.
- They are.
Not all of 'em.
[upbeat music.]
Gordon is here.
Okay.
Okay.
Guess what? I'm gonna race you to the room.
We're gonna race to the room.
- Mini bar.
- Focus.
- Hey.
Hey, let's go.
- Come on.
Mini bar.
[sighs.]
La la la, la la la, la She told me she loves me [car alarm chirps.]
Hey! Hey.
There's no bellboy at the Bakersfield Motor Lodge.
- Yeah.
- Oh! Wow.
Let me help you.
I got it.
- No, I'm good.
I'm good.
- I got it.
I can handle it on my own.
Okay.
Okay, Coach.
Good talk.
Look, I know you're in the middle of a divorce.
I have been there.
It's so hard.
So if you ever need, like, a friendly ear I have an ear to lend.
Charlie should carry his own bag.
[sighs.]
[groans.]
- What is he doing here? - I don't know, Mamma.
- It's just bad luck.
- Maybe he's an FOC.
A friend of Cher? You wanna leave? We can leave.
Of course I wanna leave.
Of all the hotels in Southern California I have to come to the one with gay men and Gordon? If we leave now that means I can surprise Frumpkis with a sneak attack.
See if the mouse is drunk while the cat's away.
Hm? Pheeb? I mean, we'd have to give up our room, but, I mean, I'm fine with that.
I don't wanna leave.
I wanna stay - Okay.
- All right.
- And talk to him.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- That's a bad idea.
- What are the odds us both being in the same hotel? How many times have I tried to reach him since the wedding? He's never returned my text or emails He caulked the door.
That means you got to walk away.
But you can't plan on being buried side-by-side in the family plot and then just never speak to the guy again for the rest of your life.
Oh, yeah, you totally can.
What if he's here with another woman? That would make the relationship conversation - a little awkward.
- Bunny boiler territory, honey.
- Yeah.
- I wish Abby was here.
[sighs.]
Well I am here to fill the Abby vacuum.
Screw Gordon and whatever bitch he rode in on.
We are staying here and we are having a good time.
- Unless you wanna go.
- No! I can do this.
I'm not giving up my weekend with you guys.
Let's cocktail! Baseball ready always.
Here we go.
[fanfare on organ.]
- Oh, come on.
- Abby, you're here! Welcome.
- Cheers.
Hi.
Wow, this is amazing.
Yeah, the game's on the field, but the action is in the bleachers.
- Can I hydrate you? - Ooh, cocktails.
Yes, you can never be too hydrated.
Let's go, 2-1! - Oh! - Both: Yes! - Ball! - Both: Oh, come on, Blue! Blue! Why is the coach so tightly wound? He's so gruff.
- More lately.
He's going through some divorce stuff.
Yeah.
Poor guy.
He's a mess.
I mean, I know you're a free woman and everything, - but - Oh, no! God, no.
I-I literally wrote the book on divorce, so [laughs.]
I'm not gonna pee where I play.
- Okay.
- No drama here.
Not a drama Mama.
Ball four.
Take your base.
[cheering.]
Hey, Blue, is this your cell phone? 'Cause it's got three missed calls! [laughter.]
Wh He's looking at us.
Oh, that's just because he thinks if we heckle Blue then we're gonna get worse calls.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
Now we know why there's only one "eye" in umpire! [laughter.]
Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game? [laughter.]
Win the battle, kid! Oh, come on, 21, even your balls look great! [gasps.]
2-8's Mom! Sit down! Sorry.
I meant that all of his pitches looked like strikes.
Yeah, well - Ha! - Oh! - Checkmate! - Oh! Someone's feeling better.
- Oh, yeah.
Take that! - Whoo! This is me not dwelling.
Right here.
Oh, here they come in all their glory.
- Delia, Jo, this is David - Hi.
- And Seth and Pancho.
- Both: Hello! Gorgeous gentlemen and a special hola to Pancho.
So you working hard or hardly working? Working.
Don Draper style.
So that was a quick match.
- Who won? - This sinister legal mind - right here.
- I force majeured her King, yo.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, if I don't get to check my texts on my phone - [gasps.]
- What? - Oh, my God, Jo.
- What?! [gasps.]
- Is that Frumpkis? - My ex.
Straight outta rehab.
- Oh, you're horrible.
- So you're spying on him? Oh, I prefer "surveilling.
" I have a couple of, uh, security cameras at my place and the bakery.
And live streaming right here on my phone.
- [laughs.]
- That is so messed up.
- I love it so much.
- You're fantastic.
Well, my kid is there so I'm monitoring his every move.
If he screws up, wham-o, cut him off at the knees, baby.
It looks like he's just working at the bakery, Jo.
Oh, no, to the untrained eye, but watch, look at that.
Okay? What's that? He looks like a lab monkey failing a test.
I am alerted.
I see you.
- You are dark.
- Can I be your new best friend? [laughter.]
All right, now, 2-5! This is you, baby! It's your time! Be a hitter, now! - We need you now! - Come on, we are only down by two, we can still pull this out.
But there's two outs.
God, I have to pee so bad.
Oh, the Porta-a-Pottys are in the parking lot over there.
[groans.]
- Big hit, baby! - All right, let's go, Diego! - Bring it home, Diego! - Load it down Diego! - Oh! - [cheering.]
Go! Go! You're scoring! You're scoring! Let's go, 2-5! Let's go! All the way! All the way! [overlapping shouting.]
[cheering.]
- Yeah! - [cheering.]
- Out! - What? No! - [all groan.]
- Both: What?! No, no, you can't make that call.
How's their team paying you? Cash or check? You cannot be serious! That call is garbage! Stand down or I'm ejecting you! It's physically impossible.
The player slides in, the catcher tags him on the thigh.
His foot is already on the plate! That's not baseball, that's anatomy! Come on! Are you serious, Blue? - Oh, my God.
- Make the tag.
Make the tag and show me how that's physically possible! He's doing an instant replay.
This is insane! - That is garbage! - Oh, God, I-I gotta go.
Okay.
[whimpers.]
[insects buzzing.]
[exhales sharply.]
[gagging.]
[whimpers.]
Denny's down the street.
Denny's down the street.
[grunts.]
[sighs.]
Coach Mike Brady.
Mike.
2-8's mom, what are you Sorry, this is not a habit.
I just, um I had a little bit too much of Linda's bug juice and then the Port-a-Potty smelled so So you went for a nature pee in the parking lot? Well, I just couldn't tear myself away from that Watching me make a spectacle of myself.
No, that's not what I said.
And getting ejected from the game.
- You got ejected from the game? - Yeah, thanks for that.
- Wait.
You're blaming me? - If you weren't up there - talking dirty and heckling - I wasn't talking dirty! We might've gotten some decent calls and I wouldn't - have lost my shit.
- I wasn't talking dirty! I'm sorry, but I thought Blue was being a real tool! He was! But I don't need you making the umpire all hot and bothered.
[spits.]
[gasps.]
Oh, the umpire was all hot and bothered? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
[exhales sharply.]
[laughter.]
Oh, hey, will you sign that, Phoebe, I'll get you later? Yeah.
[indistinct chatter.]
We don't have four-digit numbers on the property.
- Did you mean 184? - Mm.
Yes, I meant 184! I just hard lemonade just got me loopy.
It just anyways, it probably happens all the time.
- We should go.
- [together.]
: Yes.
- No! You guys are so much fun! - Both: I know! - What are you doing tomorrow? - Come to the concert.
The concierge can still get tickets! - That is a yes! - Okay! It is sunny with a chance of Oh, my God.
He is here on business.
Good for Gordon.
Let's go.
- Let's go! - Studs, we gotta motor.
No, you know what? It is a sign.
Us both being here at the same hotel.
I can't avoid him all weekend.
See you guys soon.
Excellent.
Thank you.
I'll see you soon.
Gordon.
[clears throat.]
Hi.
- Delia.
- Hey, isn't this crazy? Both of us just Anyway, uh, this isn't really a big hotel and I was thinking that we could maybe get together and talk.
I've been wanting to, since, um what happened.
Yeah, I'm here for the Indian Wells Tournament.
- We're working on a partnership.
- Oh.
Wow.
I don't think I'll have the time.
Yeah, well, I didn't mean now.
I meant maybe later.
You know, we could make the time.
There was just so much left unsaid Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna have the time.
It's a real busy weekend.
- Oh.
A [upbeat music.]
Okay, just you gotta just put him outta your mind.
Sweat him out.
Sweat out the Gordon! Oh, God, you should've seen the way he looked at me.
It was like I had Ebola.
Like I had emotional Ebola.
[groans.]
Enough.
Just You know what? You gotta bring out your Cher tonight.
- Embrace it.
- I'll try.
Can we just talk about something else? Just anything else.
- Yes! Oh! Oh, my gosh! Frumpcam update.
That liar gets up in the middle of the night and pees seven times.
Seven times! If that's not a sign for saucin' I don't know what is.
It's all about my kid.
I'm worried about her, you know? With all this stuff that's going on Don't worry.
She's gonna be fine.
She's a tough kid.
Hey, embrace your Cher tonight.
- Right? - Okay.
Okay, fine.
- [laughs.]
- What happened with Phoebe - this morning? - I don't know.
No, I don't know.
She's sleeping I think.
Okay.
Oh! [whimpers.]
Ohh.
[chuckles.]
Okay, that was probably the best thing I have seen since I got here.
- I mean, maybe since ever.
- Glad to be amusing.
The way you sprang outta there.
It was like leaping across the lawn.
It was like post-modern Martha Graham.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you lost your strappy sandals.
Oh, Joie Renee.
I love her.
I'm I'm Phoebe.
Gemma.
Gemma Sacco? I am.
No escaping it.
The legacy is everywhere.
Thanks, Dad.
- So, uh, you married? - Uh It's usually the husband who gets the hammock.
Yes, I am not here with my husband.
I'm here with my friends.
- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.
How long you been married? Two months.
That's not That's not why I'm here.
JD, my husband, is amazing.
I, uh, just needed to get out of L.
A.
It can be a little stifling.
This is a great place to chill.
- It's only 102 in the shade.
- I know.
- I know.
- So you here for the concert? No! No, um, I am a consultant for Damien Fields Gallery so I'm just here to see some collectors.
Well, I am a collector, but we can talk about that later because right now I am collecting you.
You must come to the concert with us tonight.
- I don't have tickets.
- You don't need tickets.
- We have laminates.
- Um okay.
Um, it's fine.
Yeah, don't need that.
Wow, this place is like a pawn shop for showgirls.
Oh, what Eagle Scout gave his life for this? - Whoo.
- [cell phone ringing.]
Hey, Abs, how goes it? Great.
It was an 8:00am game, got mercied, now I'm about to hit up the local superstore for some Zappo stain remover.
Which is seemingly the only product on Earth toxic enough to clean baseball pants.
It'll probably also give me insta-cancer.
Hm, that's one way out.
Wow, Delia, you're not having fun? Well, Gordon's actually here this weekend.
Gordon Beech?! No! We're not gonna talk about this.
We're going to the Cher concert.
We're gonna have ourselves a wonderful time.
All right, my little "Half-Breed"? Was Cher even Native American? Cherilyn Sarkisian sounds Armenian to me.
Hm, I don't know if I'm on my game enough to go.
Full headdress? - You look amazing! - Thanks.
- [humming.]
- [gasps.]
Holy "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"! - Phoebe, that is beyond! - Wait! Wait! I wanna see! Guys, turn it around! Wow! Oh, my God! Is that a Bob Mackie? I don't know.
It doesn't have a label.
- Oh.
- What's it going for? - $3,800.
- [all exclaim.]
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
- Phoebe.
- Oh, boy.
Phoebe! You know what? Before you say anything, I am not courting Gemma Sacco in a macramé bikini.
- It's not happening.
- Who? Phoebe hooked up with the daughter of Ralph Sacco.
Australian billionaire.
She's a full-time party girl.
Big-time art collector.
And if I nab her I am gonna make this back times ten.
Well, I'm glad I'm down the "Moonstruck" route.
A hell of a lot cheaper.
What's going on, kiddo? - The guys are losing? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, but it's still pool play, you know? Mike gets really worked up which is so sexy.
Oh, my God.
Help me.
Oh, no, this is for R&D only.
- For the book.
- I know.
I know.
- And no one-on-ones! Yeah, and I'm gonna stop imbibing because it just makes me too loose.
These baseball moms are monster partiers.
All their sport bottles are filled with booze.
Oh, my God, Frumpkis.
Booze in the water bottle.
Booze in the water bottle.
- Stop.
Jo, stop.
- Water bottle! The booze.
Enough, Frumpkis apologists.
I'm going in.
Abby, I gotta go.
Oh, my God.
[stammers.]
I gotta call him.
- No.
[stammering.]
- Snap out of it! Thank you so much.
I needed that.
- Sorry.
You okay? - It's fine.
It's fine.
I-I needed that.
I mean, it's very cute and it's only $11.
I think it's the more sensible way to go, don't you think? I never knew a bathing suit made of crocheted twine could be called sensible, but I have to agree.
- Right? - Yeah.
All right, I changed my mind.
I'm gonna return this dress and I'm gonna get this bikini.
I'm sorry.
All sales are final.
I just bought it.
I mean, I haven't even left the store yet.
Just give me my check back.
I've already put it through the register.
I don't care.
I want my money back.
I cannot spend $3,800 on a dress.
- Pheebs, it's cool.
- No, it is not "cool.
" None of this is cool.
I am sick of it.
I have been downsizing and cutting back and none of it matters.
I fired the arborist and now my beautiful, majestic oak tree is going to die, I fired the weekend nanny, but Anouk would still rather hang out with her than with me and I still cannot pay for a room at The Whitley! - You don't have a room? - No.
My card was declined.
I can't believe you didn't tell us.
- Where did you sleep? - In a hammock.
It was fine.
- My God.
- Oh, Phoebe.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Just don't feel bad for me.
I just needed to vent.
[line trilling.]
Hey, Jo, how's the desert? Spare me the banter, Señor Smoothie.
- I'm on to you.
- On to what? Sneaking booze in your water bottle.
You been sucking on it like Zooey when she figured out what my boobs were for.
Are you spying on me? That's not the point, okay? The point is your a weak-livered lying son-of-a-bitch who's still saucin'.
You looking at me right now? Hm? - [thuds.]
- Wha Hey, what the eff, psycho? Those cookies are five bucks each! You are the psycho! Hey, uh, Ethan, get over here.
- Drink this.
- Hey, inappropriate.
- He is underage.
- Exactly! [gulps, exhales.]
It's water.
A little backwash-y.
Thanks.
And thank you, Jo, for the vote of confidence.
What do you want from me? I mean, Zooey's there, and you're not exactly Manny Poppins and it's been two weeks since you busted out of rehab.
It's not Alcatraz! I just signed myself out! Mom, give him a break.
He's fine.
I have a ton of pre-calc studying and I can't focus if I have to block out - all the fighting.
- Fighting? We're not fighting.
Yes, we are! Jo, you have reason not to trust me, but you have got to at least try! And look at yourself out there in your desert paradise while you're watching me on your phone? It's kinda sad.
[upbeat music.]
[clears throat.]
There's a washer here.
I know you have some things to clean.
I actually do have to clean these pants because Charlie seems obsessed with sliding.
Yeah, my idiotic slide did a number on these.
Oh, no, don't put them in the dryer like that.
You'll just The heat will seal in the dirt.
Laundry was never my department.
It was my ex's.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, well, friend-to-friend, um, that is part of the deal.
You start to realize how much you outsourced to your spouse.
It's humbling, but it gets better.
It's got to.
Give them to me.
Let me scrub them.
Sorry for earlier.
For the spitting or the blaming? - [chuckles.]
- It's fine.
It's fine.
I accept.
It's rough all around.
My kid is hitting 0-14.
Well, maybe you just need to loosen up a little bit.
You wanna get a drink? - Oh, I - From the vending machine.
- Oh what? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait.
You drink soda? I'm shocked.
I'm sure there's like a kale flavor or something.
Oh, definitely.
Small-batch root beer.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
I don't even know why I'm laughing.
- Yeah, it wasn't that funny.
- [laughs.]
["I Got You, Babe" playing.]
They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out until we grow Both: Ooh, Hoo, wee! Shall we talk about our plans? I'm all ears, Cher.
Oh, I don't know about that, Sonny.
Maybe all nose.
[laughs.]
Oh, there's Gemma.
I gotta bounce.
But I will see you at the show.
- Wait.
- It's work.
Unbelievable.
Alas, looks like Pancho's bagging.
He got a break-up Snapchat from this guy he thought The One so he's not up for a big "Camp Out.
" - Oh.
- You know what? I'm gonna find Pancho.
I'll stay with him.
- What? - I just I can't.
I can't keep it up anymore.
You can scalp my ticket.
I don't think you should use that word in that outfit, but I'm fine staying here.
We can just hang at the hotel, play a little Cher-aoke.
Jo, I appreciate it, but, no.
This is the first time you've looked up from the Frumpcam since we got here.
I gotta keep an eye on that train-wreck.
- He's parked at my house.
- Yeah, it's a mess.
Which is exactly why when you leave, you have to leave.
So when you get back you can deal with the mishugas at home.
Oy.
Since when did you learn Yiddish? I'm a lawyer.
You pick it up.
Go.
Have a blast.
Fellas? Both: I got - Shall we? - Let's do this.
Both: You, babe What was your department in your marriage? Taxes and Costco is my bitch.
Oh.
[laughs.]
I just You know what? Shopping in bulk for a lifetime supply of granola bars just doesn't make sense to me.
I always end up spending $400 more than I need to.
'Cause you get distracted by shiny things.
- Yes, I do.
- Not me.
I'm a pro.
D'Artagnan ABF bone-in rib-eye 19 pounds for $300.
And 29 bucks for 1.
75 liters of Kirkland Vodka.
Beats all the top shelf brands in blind taste tests.
Wow, this is super-impressive.
That is all good to know.
- Yeah.
- You know, I can finish this laundry for you if you wanna go - Go where? - Go I Downstairs with all the other parents.
Have a real drink.
You're like a rock star to those guys.
After two losses I'm not.
Believe me, they're down by the pool shit talking me as we speak.
That hurts your feelings? Better to stay above the fray.
I have to draw a hard line between parents and coach.
- Otherwise it's - Anarchy.
Yeah, I get that.
- Really? - Yeah, it just seems like baseball's all hard lines.
It's line-ups and line drives and baselines telling you what's fair - and what's foul and - Right.
There's a line in here, too.
Yes and I am I'm glad you brought that up because if I'm reading things right, there's like a vibe between us, but I get it.
Hard line.
Just with everything going on in your life and mine, too, it's you know, not to mention the kids and the team.
We We can't Cross the line.
[gentle music.]
[moans.]
[upbeat funky music.]
Okay, wait.
Wait, what's the matter? Are you okay? Yeah, I just don't want to pee where I play.
- Oh, charming.
- [laughs.]
And I think you already did.
Literally.
I know.
I know, but we're just gonna hold up at third.
I'm making the call on this one.
I can't get over that slide.
What was the coach thinking? - I know, right? - I'll meet you by the pool.
I'm gonna get some ice.
[upbeat music.]
This cherry is full of sorrow.
Mm.
Give me that cherry.
Whoo! [laughs.]
- See ya later, sorrow! - [both laugh.]
Oh, God, this moonshine is kicking my ass.
Mm.
[scoffs.]
Of course he shows up when I'm Sloppy Suzie.
- Is that him? - Uh-huh.
Muy hunky.
Muy.
He loved me so much and I had to do everything I could to hurt him.
Did you love him? I did.
I do.
So what are you doing here? Go to him and make amends.
Prostrate yourself and beg for forgiveness.
[exhales sharply.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh! [laughs.]
Hi, Gordon.
- I have something to say to - [clatters.]
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you spill your Louis Quatorze.
I know how much you love that stuff.
It's all right.
I got it.
I got it.
Yeah, I know you've got it.
You just got everything all figured out.
Just Come on.
We're just never gonna talk to each other again? Is that how you wanna play it? - Listen, Delia - No, I'm not listening! I'm talking! Look, I know I hurt you.
I know that I screwed up royally.
And I regret it more than I can say, but you can't just act like we never existed.
It's not logical.
It's not acceptable.
We're adults.
You know you look ridiculous.
Yeah, well, these pigtails are giving me a migraine.
Um I'll just go.
Wait.
You're right.
Maybe we should have a conversation.
Can you do breakfast tomorrow? 8:00? I can.
Okay.
- Delia - Yeah? Cher wishes she ever looked as good as you.
[upbeat gentle music.]
[moaning, laughing.]
Oh! Water break.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my! - I'm good.
- Okay.
- I have a question for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you, uh - More bi than gay.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
- Less of a victory for me.
But potentially a more intriguing lay.
Oh, yeah.
Shall I show you my straight side now? Oh, definitely.
Definitely.
In one second.
Just one second.
Look at my kid studying like an angel.
Now let's search for the ex.
Oh, that is a boner killer.
[screeches.]
You're right.
You know what? I am not going there.
Okay.
- I'm wrong.
Where were we? - Come here.
I'm here at the straight side.
Oh, the straight side of life, baby! - Yeah, that's right.
- The straight side of life.
Okay.
[both moaning.]
[upbeat music.]
- [sighs.]
- Hey, Mamma.
Wow, look what the cat dragged in.
Must have been quite the party marathon last night.
I was wondering what happened to you.
Ohh I had an all-nighter.
It was so great.
We hung out backstage.
I had cashew brittle with Moby! And then we take Gemma's limo to Pechanga and played slots.
I don't remember the last time I rolled so VIP.
- Ever.
- Hm.
- Glad you had fun.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry I didn't see you guys.
You're up and at 'em early.
Yeah.
I, um - bumped into Gordon.
- Whoa.
Now I got breakfast this morning, but I need to bike off last night's moonshine overdose so I don't slur like a hung-over hillbilly.
Wow.
Gordon.
That's major.
I'll tell you about it on the ride home.
Oh, I'm actually, um I am going to fly with Gemma in her helicopter.
It's 30 minutes to L.
A.
It's quite the quality of life upgrade.
[sarcastic laugh.]
Okay, what are you doing, Phoebe? What do you mean, "What am I doing"? - Yeah, you know what I mean.
- No.
Look, I know that you are freaked out about money.
I totally get that, but, well, you still live better than most of the rest of the world.
I know that.
What's your point? You don't need to roll VIP everywhere.
You don't need Gemma.
You just think you do.
And, you know, when you go somewhere in your friends' minivan, you should really go home in your friend' minivan.
I [sighs.]
See ya.
That book better be dedicated to me.
[laughs.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I've been, um I keep thinking about how we made that laundry room so steamy.
Yeah, me, too.
Disaster.
- What? - The rain delay.
Balls are too slippery to pitch, too heavy to hit.
We're actually winning this one and now the momentum's gone.
All bets are off.
Well, you can't control the weather.
We could have controlled ourselves.
I did control myself.
I'm the one that told us to stop at third, remember? I'm superstitious.
Once I'm thinking a thing, I can't Un-think it.
Well, what is it exactly that you can't unthink? We shouldn't have crossed the line and it can't happen again.
So we made it rain? Okay First of all, you invited me to cross that line and what, now we're cursed? - Jesus.
- Appreciate it if you could change your face right now or everyone's gonna know we're not discussing how your kid missed the bunt sign.
Thank you.
[sighs.]
[cell phone chirps.]
[car horn honks, tires screech.]
Oh, shit! Screw you, dick breath! [car horn honks.]
[bike bell dings.]
- [siren wails.]
- Jesus Christ.
[sighs.]
What's the problem, Officer? Have you been drinking, ma'am? [laughs.]
Drinking? It is 6:30 in the morning.
Sunday morning.
Have you been drinking? Have you consumed any alcohol in the last 24 hours? Okay, relax, I'm on a bike.
If you haven't noticed.
I did notice, but if you've been drinking, it's a CUI.
Cycling Under the Influence.
I'm gonna have to ask you to take a breathalyzer test.
[laughs.]
I'm a lawyer.
[Breathalyzer beeping.]
You have to be kidding me.
Do I look like I'm kidding? [sighs.]
[upbeat music.]
Thank you for bailing me out.
This is so humiliating.
[chuckles.]
They just gave me one call and I didn't want you to think that I bailed on you for breakfast.
I didn't even think a CUI was a thing.
Yeah, well, me, too.
It's so stupid.
[sighs.]
I'm really sorry for this.
And I'm really sorry about breakfast.
I'm really sorry about what I did with Albert.
It wasn't because I didn't love you, it was because I did and I never stopped wanting you, I just didn't want to be married.
And I acted out instead of talking to you.
Maybe if I communicated with you, we wouldn't have ended up That's That's all I need to hear.
[exhales sharply.]
I accept your apology.
I believe you never meant to hurt me But you did.
You KO'd me.
And whatever shred of faith in love I still have is not enough to go another round with you.
I could never trust you.
I'm not angry, I'm just ready to move on.
But, Gordon last night The way that you looked at me.
- It really seemed - I do.
I always will.
It just doesn't matter anymore.
- Of course it does - No, it doesn't.
If you're truly sorry, don't call me.
And if we should run into each other, just keep moving.
[somber music.]
Hello, beautiful, happy people.
Hi.
Can I hand you this? - Hey.
- Hi.
- What's up, girl? - [smooches.]
Not much, just a beautiful day to be up in the sky.
Oh, sweets, I totally spaced.
The helo only holds eight, so we're full.
We already got seven plus Chow-Chow.
- Oh.
- Hey, Phoebe, could you hand me one of those waters for Chow? Yeah.
Okay, so wheels up.
And note to self, - get a bigger helicopter, bitch.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Um Okay, thanks.
- [wolf whistle.]
- [car horn honks.]
- [shouting.]
- [wolf whistles.]
Oh, my God, I thought you guys were never gonna come.
- [smooches.]
- [gasps.]
Did you guys go shopping at the outlets - before picking me up from jail?! - We did not go shopping.
We just picked up things from stores.
Yes, we went shopping, but we did get stuff on the way.
We got you something.
- It's a Hermes, baby.
- Oh, my God, Phoebe, - you shouldn't - I didn't spend money.
I swiped it.
See? - What? - Good luck with that.
I'm not gonna make a habit of it, - I just needed a dopamine hit.
- Okay, Winona.
Sorry you didn't have breakfast with Gordon.
Yeah, well, I didn't get waffles, but I got 20,000 calories worth of closure.
- Hm.
- Hey aren't you supposed to be on a chopper? You know what? There is more legroom in a minivan and, besides, Gemma is - [cell phone chimes.]
- - Gemma wants to meet me in L.
A.
- Okay, Jo, - how'd it go last night? - Oh, let's just say we played a little "I Got You Babe" - in my bed.
- Ew.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, yeah.
[cheering.]
Good job.
That's awesome.
So this W means we go to Super Regional's next weekend? Yeah, in Santa Clarita.
We get to do it all over again.
- Yes! - Oh, wait! Hold! Charlie wait! Go get your bag.
- Do you mind? - Oh, sure.
So you realize we went from a major slump to a huge win today.
- Booyah.
- So maybe last night was good luck.
You know what that means.
Oh, please.
Well, we'd have to do it again.
For the team.
You know what? Don't give me the little sparkly eye thing.
I knew this was a mistake.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I got a little spooked.
Okay? And I haven't whatever that was in a long time.
- Okay.
- But I like you, Abby.
[upbeat music.]
And I don't like many people, Yeah.
[chuckles.]
That I believe, but, uh, maybe we should just leave it at "We'll always have Bakersfield.
" Yeah, but you'd miss out on the double load dryer at the Santa Clarita Days Inn.
You know you just called me Abby.
Like, three sentences back.
Lucky you.
La la la, la la la, la Isn't she lovely?