Glory Daze (2010) s01e06 Episode Script
I Ram So Far Away
Happy Holidays, Hayes University! I've got some news that's gonna blow the socks right off your rocks.
The first and the best confrontment.
Refront.
Can you lay down The English Beat and then appeal to the General Public? General Public? That's right.
Coming to Hayes For a one-time-only club show -- Just 200 seats -- General Public.
[ click, '80s music plays .]
I've got to see that show.
Ditto, roomie.
I swear, it's like we share the same brain.
And yet you continue to question the validity Of our compatibility form? I question a lot of things about you, Zack.
That form is just one of them.
Tickets go on sale tomorrow at 6:00 A.
M.
But right now, WHBD 109 FM is ready to give away A pair of front-row tickets To the 109th caller.
Don't worry -- if I win, There's no one in the world I would rather attend with.
I'll just use the pay phone.
[ indistinct talking .]
You are caller number 1-0-- Oh, my God! I won! I'm a winner! Take a quaalude, eager beaver.
You're only caller 108.
Hello, lucky 109! Talk to me.
Uh, what? Stankowski? Hello? Hello, caller.
Congratulations.
Yeah, hi.
Who -- what is going on? I'mYeah.
Uh, hello.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I'm really confused right now.
I'm just trying to order, like, my gut buster.
Can you help me out? "gut buster"? Yeah, gut buster.
You know -- like, the big thing? Can I get the big thing? Can I get extra everything on there? I want everything on there.
I love it.
And can I get, um -- who is this? Is this a new guy? Can I talk to Phil? Phil's my guy for this.
[ dial tone .]
[ music continues .]
All righty.
Looks like caller 110 is our lucky winner today.
Hello, caller.
Hello.
Is this Phil? Can I talk to Phil? Stankowski? Again? I'm so hungry.
"Glory Daze" Season 1, Episode 6- "I Ram So Far Away" [ '80s music playing .]
Damon: Oh! God! Come on! [ groans .]
What is this? And why is it bookmarking a lingerie catalog? Maybe 'cause I wasn't done reading it.
A letter that was addressed to me, Turbo, That I never had a chance to read? Did any of you read this? It says that an adviser from national Will be here to visit us and put us under formal review InLess than 24 hours.
Reno: 24 hours isn't much notice.
Oh, it was postmarked two weeks ago.
I say we refuse his visit! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Do you think before you speak? That's good to know.
Never! Your little sheepherding business Is confined to the basement until the adviser leaves.
[ mumbling in spanish .]
Guys, this is our chance To finally prove to national that we've cleaned up our act.
Maybe we can get off probation once and for all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And if we don't, they can yank our charter.
Nobody's yanking anything.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay, gentlemen.
It appears that we need to transform ourselves And this domicile into something worthy of inspection.
All right? It's not just about cleaning.
We have beer coming out of our faucets And a keg where the water heater should be.
Do we have any idea how much this guy even knows about us? Oh, if he knows half of what you and I know, we are so screwed.
Hey, guys.
I just ordered a pizza If any of you guys are, like, hungry and stuff, you know? Whoa.
Uh, the one thing that they do know about -- Stankowski.
[ sighs .]
Wait.
I don't -- I don't get it.
So, like, General Public was The English Beat? Okay.
Here's the deal.
The English Beat -- my favorite band, by the way -- Split up into two groups.
One half formed General Public, who rule, And the other half started Fine Young Cannibals, Who do not.
Look, all I know is we are going to that concert, okay? You know how much play those tickets are gonna get us With the ladies? How are we gonna get tickets When we're here cleaning up all day? I know, man.
General Public is not coming through this podunk town twice.
Turbo: I hear that.
Which is exactly why you three are gonna cover Harrington While he gets us some tickets.
You good with that, Joel? Yeah, I'm good with that.
Are you guys good with that? Yeah, definitely.
Is that good? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah? Get me close, okay? Make sure I'm in the aisle.
I need leg room in case the spirit get to moving, all right? Got it.
Amen.
All right.
Thanks, Turbo.
All right.
All right.
We're gonna do it.
Nice.
Get to work! Let's go! Pronto! All right.
I'll see you guys.
No.
Don't beat around the bush.
I know.
I understand.
[ exhales sharply .]
[ reggae music playing .]
Hey, dudes.
What brings you guys to the lair? Uh, a few things, actually.
Come.
Seek comfort.
Um Look, I'm just gonna say it, Stankowski.
With the national adviser coming, We need to get you clear.
I knew that this would eventually come to an end.
Um, I'll get my hookah kit.
Will you guys at least help me pack my bags? Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're not -- we're not telling you to leave.
Oh, good.
The national adviser Specifically requested meeting "the 32-year-old man Who has been living on the premises since 1976.
" What's that? Reno: So, you see, you can't leave.
We need you here.
Just a different version of you.
That means bathed.
Yeah.
You know, I'm down -- that's -- I'm good with that.
And weed-free.
Free weed.
Yeah, I'm doubly good with that.
I love it.
No.
That means you can't smoke pot.
What's the longest you've ever gone without getting high? 14 years.
Wow.
That's a long time.
Well, when was that exactly? Uh, between the ages of, um, birth and 14.
Okay, Stankowski, that's not helping us.
Oh, you know, there was another time in my life Where I was, uh, not high For like 34 hour-- hours, If my memory does serve me correctly, Which it usually does not.
Do you think you got another 34 in you? [ laughs .]
[ exhales deeply .]
[ chuckles .]
Hey, guys.
What brings you to the lair? Yeah, we're in trouble.
Hey, chang! Hey.
Hey.
What's up, man? Wow.
You got a great spot.
Yeah.
What time did you get here? About 7:00 A.
M.
I like to be out of the room when Eli has his morning time.
I really don't want to know what that means.
Actually scares me a little.
Me too.
Wow.
This line's really long.
They say this is the best thing to happen to Hayes Since Joe Piscopo's one-man show last year.
Wow.
Better get in line, then.
All right.
See you, man.
See you later.
Hey.
Christie.
There you are! Where have you been? I've been waiting.
What? You do know that it's -- it's Joel, right? I'm trying to help you cut in line.
You do want tickets, right? Really? Yeah.
You serious? Yes.
All right.
Jason: I really wish you'd stop volunteering us For the worst jobs in the house.
Hey, man.
Cleaning Stankowski's room is an honor, okay? We've been entrusted with sacred ground.
Hey, bros.
Check it out.
There are some things that a man can'tUn-see.
You were supposed to shave him.
Hey, the beard stays, bro.
Okay? So, how do I look -- Ready for, like, polite society or whatever? Honestly, you don't look any different.
Hey, at least he doesn't smell like bong water anymore.
Ah, the nectar of the gods.
Brian: Come here.
Ow.
It's tangled.
Ow.
Oh, be gentle, beentle.
Ow! It's tangled! Aah! Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
Ow! It's tangled! All right, all right, all right.
Stankowski, sit down.
All right, get comfortable.
All right, so, Stankowski, we made you a list Of all the words you can't say when you're with the adviser.
All right? "uh," "chill," "like," "bro," "dude," "okay," "totally," and "like.
" Yo, do you, like, guys realize That the word "like" is, like, in there twice? You realize That you just said the same word three times in one sentence? Whoa! Positive reinforcement, dude! I like that.
I-I mean, I enjoy that.
All right! Oh! Okay! Nice work, Stankowski.
That's very impressive.
Thank you.
How long has it been? Uh, he's been weed-free for about 14 minutes.
We're making progress.
14 minutes! [ chuckles .]
Oh, 14-- 14 minutes! [ laughter .]
[ laughter fades .]
Ho Let me just smoke one more -- No, no! No, no! Hey! Hey! Okay, okay! Wean me off it, is what I'm saying.
Come on, come on! O-okay! It's kinky.
What are you doing? So, I guess Damon couldn't wait in line with you because of the whole national-adviser thing? Actually, Damon's not really a concert guy.
Oh.
That's -- I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
I mean, you won't find me checking football stats on sundays.
Those actually come in on Monday.
Exactly my point.
Having different interests than your boyfriend Is not a bad thing.
Yeah, not at all.
I mean, I had a girlfriend like that Until she broke up with me Because we had nothing in common.
[ laughs .]
No, I mean, I -- [ laughs .]
Not that it's gonna happen to you.
I'm sure you guys are totally in it for -- for the long haul.
But Besides, that girl had issues.
Yeah, she used to write four letters every day To ricky schroder.
Really? Yeah, it was weird.
Hmm.
Thought I was the only one who did that.
[ both chuckle .]
Actually, for me, it was more like sixOr seven.
[ laughs .]
yeah, you got to love that ricky.
[ both laugh .]
[ indistinct conversations .]
It's looking better.
When push came to shove, I knew our boys could band together.
Yeah, but we have a long way to go -- Like the beer coming out of our plumbing.
Oh, relax, man.
We got all night to roto that rooter.
I thought I drank all that.
[ knock on door .]
[ knock on door .]
Good evening, gentlemen.
I'm your national adviser, brother Jerrod.
Brother Jerrod.
[ glass shatters .]
Uh, what a wonderful surprise.
I'm Damon Smythe, house president.
And this is Uh, uh, Michael Reno, our house social chair.
[ chuckling .]
did I mention what a wonderful surprise this is? Well, I just wrapped up my stay at purdue -- Adjusted their membership by four or five members -- And figured, "if I can get to Hayes by midnight, "why not go and scare the crap out of those guys" -- right? [ laughs .]
[ both laugh .]
Whoo! So here I am.
Oh, boy.
The adviser's here early! How's Stankowski? How's it looking in there? Well, um, as the spanish would say, "no bueno.
" Oh, this is not good.
Which is why he said "no bueno.
" Oh, man.
He's become resistant.
We're talking denial, some depression, a few tears.
Stankowski: "I do not like green eggs and ham.
" Ohh Dudes, this is confusing, and that's my favorite meal! I can't do this! Look, we're also getting a fair amount of anger.
Oh, man.
All the stages of grief.
How much more time y'all gonna need?! Well, uh, on a scale Between "1" and "as long as Damon and Reno can stall," I'm gonna go with "no bueno" again.
I've seen a lot of schools, gentlemen, Met a lot of young men, and believe me, I make it a rule of thumb -- Never judge a book by its cover.
Words to live by, sir.
That said, I recently saw a book -- "the great gatsby.
" Perhaps you've heard of it.
Anyway, it had this amazing cover.
And I read it.
It was great.
So maybe you can judge.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Are you boys familiar with the phrase "political correctness"? I'm not surprised.
But it's out there, spreading roots.
And pretty soon, that phrase will be as familiar As the phrase "nuthugger.
" Are you ready to live in that world? Frankly, a world where "nuthugger" is a phrase Gives me the willies, sir.
It gives me pause, too, brother Reno, But believe me, we are in a world right now Where soon, a mexican will be called a latino And a latino will be called a chicano And a retard will be called special.
It is my job to make sure That the Omega Sigs are prepared to live in that world.
And we appreciate that preparation, sir.
Times are changing, boys, And this house is ripe for a lawsuit.
Speaking of legal infractions, I'm very interested In this 32-year-old male of undetermined status Living in this house.
Oh, no.
His status is -- is very determined.
He is a student of many subjects, disciplines, degrees.
He sounds fascinating.
When do I get to meet this William Xavier Stankowski? Uh, we can't wait for you to meet William.
As soon as he returns from Singing to the elderly.
[ sighs .]
he never stops giving.
You think he'd get tired.
[ laughter .]
Okay, okay.
You got me on that one.
How about this? Sean Connery or Roger Moore? Oh, come on.
Connery by a mile.
[ chuckles .]
Me too.
Come on.
Give me a tough one.
Okay.
Um Ferris Wheel Or Ferris Bueller? [ laughing .]
what? That doesn't even make sense.
Oh, I think it does, Joel.
Clock's ticking.
Pick a Ferris -- Wheel or Bueller.
"Bueller? Anyone?" Would it disappoint you if I said that I didn't have a preference? Disappoint me? No.
I mean, the game's called "either/or.
" But I'm sure "I don't have a preference" Is gonna sweep the nation any day now.
What can I say? I'm a trendsetter.
[ both laugh .]
Good.
And here's our kitchen.
Uh-huh.
Well I like your glassware.
It's nice when someone notices.
[ chuckles .]
Brother Jerrod, is there something I can help you with? Just gonna get a glass of water.
[ faucet running .]
No, no, no! We won't have you drinking water from the tap.
No.
An important man like you deserves bottled water.
[ scoffs .]
I've heard of that.
Do not fear, Oscar.
I refused his visit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Christie: You know, you never told me How the rest of dad's day panned out.
Uh, it wasIt was good.
Is that a question? [ chuckles .]
no, no.
It was definitely good.
Yeah.
I wasn't sure it would ever happen, But my dad's actually cool with me being in a fraternity now.
Isn't it great when parents do things like that -- You know, remind you that they're real people? Yeah, it is great.
Although sometimes it can be kind of weird.
I remember this one time I walked in on my parents in the bath.
My dad's 6'8".
My mom's 5'1".
It's a small tub.
I mean, they were just all over each other.
There was big limbs and little limbs just flying and [ exhales deeply .]
[ chuckles .]
I'm sorry.
II thought we were sharing.
No.
You were sharing.
I was cringing.
[ laughing .]
I'm sorry.
You know, I-I look at my parents sometimes And wonder how they ever ended up together.
But we were at this wedding once, And after a series of disco moves That I truly believe scarred me life, I watched them dance this slow dance.
AndI know this is gonna sound stupid, But suddenly I understood, you know? I guess the little moments Are how you know people are right for each other.
Well, things seem to be in order Except for the lack of toilet paper In the downstairs bathroom.
Let's take a look upstairs.
What are y'all doing here?! You're supposed to be in there with him! We were until he started yelling at us.
Withdrawals, man.
It was ugly.
The adviser is coming up.
Just make sure he doesn't go in that room, okay? Ah, an impromptu gathering.
Something of interest here? Pledge Eli Feldman, your honor.
Oh, you don't need to kneel.
Although I like it.
Pledge Jason Wilson, sir, of the Pennsylvania Wilsons.
Ah, those are my favorite Wilsons of all.
Pledge, uh, Brian Sommers.
UhCapricorn.
I see capricorns don't kneel.
[ chuckles .]
Just kidding.
[ laughter .]
Not really.
Well, it's been a long day.
I think I'll turn in.
Fantastic, brother.
We're gonna have you right over here in my room.
Just after I see what's behind that door.
Uh Why this door? Fellas, I've spent a lot of time in fraternity houses, And I recognize a roadblock when I see one.
Oh, this isn't a roadblock.
This -- this It's just three pledges kneeling in a row.
Smythe, open the door.
Now? Now.
[ hinge squeaks .]
Brother Jerrod, I presume.
Are you in the mood for Mozart? [ opera music playing .]
Come on in.
[ music continues .]
Believe it or not, That was how I beat George Plimpton in croquet.
[ laughing .]
oh, that's marvelous.
It was an honor to meet you, William.
You too, sir.
Brother Jerrod, I've made up my bed for you.
Brother Jerrod: Thank you.
You did it.
I'm so proud of you.
[ exhales deeply .]
Oh! Go.
Go.
Go inside.
Damon: I think I aged 10 years last night.
Stankowski's due for an Oscar.
I don't know what those pledges did to him.
And yet part of me misses the smell of bong water.
It is his essence.
Rise and shine, brother Jerrod.
You've got a meeting with professor Haines in an hour.
[ hinge squeaks .]
Oh, naked.
Oh, honey.
Sorry.
We're gonna have to do this yoga later.
Kiss little Jerrod Junior for me.
Tell him daddy will be home for four days this spring.
Oh, my apologies, boys.
Just trying to do some yoga with my wife.
Boy, when you're on the road as much as I am, You got to find ways to keep the romance alive.
[ laughter .]
Don't picture her naked.
I'm trying not to picture anyone naked.
All right.
Now, if one of you brothers would kindly open those blinds, I'd like to center myself with a sun salutation.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna just Whoa.
It's foggy.
Looks like the sun's a little shy this morning.
What do you say we skip the salute And let brother Jerrod eat in privacy, shall we? I'll take that.
Nice.
The Beast.
I know.
I couldn't stop looking at it.
It was huge.
And not just the length.
The girth.
No, no.
Not that Beast.
The Beast.
Our Beast -- the 9-foot-tall beer bong in the back.
Nobody moved it.
Oh, my God.
How does that slip through the cracks? [ scoffs .]
[ classical music playing .]
Anyone up for a concert? Oh! Huh?! Yeah! Top of the morning, Joel.
Stankowski? My name is William.
My father has great expectations for me.
If you'll excuse me.
Okay.
Guys, what was that? I hate myself for what we did to him.
Guys, what's going on here? The Beast! You knuckleheads never moved it! Oh, gosh.
Oh, geez.
The adviser came early.
Oh, no.
[ music continues .]
Checkmate.
All right.
Come on.
Hurry up.
We got to get this out of here Before brother Jerrod comes from his meeting with Haines, right? My little legs can't handle this, guys.
We got it.
Doing good.
You're doing good.
That's it, baby.
All right.
You got it.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Easy, easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop! Okay.
Let's regroup.
Let's regroup this.
We got to push it.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Bring it back.
All right? On three, guys, all right? One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! Three! Three! Three! Three! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, no! No! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! No! No! No! [ crash .]
Ohh! Ohh! Oh, please tell me that's not brother Jerrod's car.
Faculty adviser Haines.
I'm brother Jerrod from Omega Sigma.
Oh.
Call me Aloysius.
Very well.
Faculty adviser Aloysius Haines.
Dr.
Aloysius Haines.
Hmm.
You are the sixth faculty adviser That these Omega Sigmas have had over the last two years.
For clerical purposes, Would you mind if I referred to you as number six? I would.
You do realize that my visit here could determine the future Of the Omega Sigma chapter at Hayes university? This file contains a mountain of evidence Which hinges solely on my interpretation of the facts.
Well, facts may be what they are, but let's not forget.
This is a group of guys with the best of intentions.
I take great pride in what I do, number six.
And your liberal policies with these boys -- Being their "friend" -- Makes it nearly impossible for me to do my job.
Well, these kids are my friends.
We've worked very hard on establish-- What are you writing? Just noting your belligerence.
My belligerence?! Exactly what have you done to exert a positive influence On the lives of these young men? Many things! Is that so? Would the top of that list include Hiding tinfoil-wrapped dog poop In the car of a prominent attorney? Wait.
How did you hear about this? Have you been talking to the Dean? Has my wife's attorney talked to the Dean? I don't know.
Okay, look.
It doesn't matter anyways.
My personal life should have no influence On your view of the Omega Sigs.
Besides, they're the ones that taught me how to make a shant.
Please don't write that.
Please.
Oh, don't touch me.
"shant.
" Man: General Public.
Thanks a lot.
I can't believe we had to gi up those concert tickets.
What else was I supposed to do? We didn't have money for the repairs.
It was the only way to get brother Jerrod's car fixed.
We did the right thing.
Absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Wait! We want our tickets back! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hang in there, William Stankowski.
Thanks to you, we're passing brother Jerrod's visit With flying colors.
Oh, I miss flying colors, man.
I don't think I can do this for much longer.
Don't worry.
You're doing great.
No.
[ clears throat .]
Um, no, I'm not, okay? It's been 28 hours.
My skin is itchy.
My tongue is dry.
[ clears throat .]
And my head is banging, you know? It's like "mmMmMm.
" You hear that? You hear it, right? Yeah.
Brothers! You have so impressed me.
Not since last November at wichita state Have I been so inspired by a group of Omega Sigmas.
And I'm here to offer you a very special treat.
Oh, delightful.
[ whimpers .]
William, are you all right? As I'm sure you've noticed, William's very sensitive.
He, uh, he twitches with pride At the mere mention of this house receiving treats.
Well, my love for Omega Sigma also runs very deep.
And I would like to express our common passion By joining you in your regular harvest moon ritual.
And now the treat.
Behold, my brothers.
The sacred book of Omega Sigma.
The only one in existence, Passed down generation to generation, Transcribed in the blood of our founding fathers And our founding fathers' fathers' blood.
That's a lot of blood.
Lot of blood.
While I prepare, gather the others.
What was that? We're screwed.
Why? It's the one thing we can do right -- harvest moon.
Uh, here's the thing.
We don't actually know the harvest moon ritual.
What are you talking about? You have us do it every month, Even when there's no harvest -- or moon.
Look, I made up my own version.
I-it just seemed more harvest-moony to me.
You think brother Jerrod will know the difference? He noticed the wreath on our crest had 26 leaves Instead of 27.
You tell me.
You guys hear it now, right? It goes "mmMmMmMm.
" Okay.
Yeah, we hear it.
We hear it.
Brother Jerrod: Brothers, tonight we honor the harvest moon beneath whose healing glow we reveal our true selves.
[ fire crackling, men chanting .]
Brother Damon, may I continue leading? Oh, by all means.
Please.
As passed down to us from our founding fathers' fathers, Whose sacred text I now hold, we recite -- Oh, to a time when the grass grows high.
All: Oh, to a time when the grass grows high.
When a seed becomes a bud.
All: When a seed becomes a bud.
Oh, gosh.
And in this bountiful season, We inhale the hearty scent of the earth.
That's it, man.
Later.
I'm out.
William? Oh, no, no, no, no.
He's -- he's okay.
He's -- he's easily overwhelmed by the power of ritual.
As am I.
Must find [sniffs.]
stash.
By the bounty of the earth and the richness of the soil Brother Damon, you may continue.
Oh.
Oh, brother Jerrod.
But when you speak of the richness of the soil, It's -- it's as if I'm hearing it for the first time.
Oh, thank you.
But I insist.
All right.
Uh Here we go.
TheRich soil, with its richness, Was very enriching.
All: Very enriching.
Come on.
Come on.
Where are you, dude? [ exhales deeply .]
[ sniffs .]
Bring forth the scythes.
Brother Jerrod: What is going on? There are no scythes in the harvest moon ritual.
Really? No.
Remove the scythes! What is wrong with you two? Go! I promise to never leave you again.
Bring forth theSabers.
No sabers? I missed you, dude.
You know? Hector: itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout down the came the rain -- [ bleats .]
Tranquilo.
Oscar, what's wrong? This is your favorite song.
[ bleating continues .]
How do you feel about the golden ax? Give me this! What is going on in this room?! This is an abomination! Reno: Whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll give you "embarrassing," But "abomination" -- it's a bit harsh.
It's not harsh enough! [ Oscar bleating .]
What the [ bleats .]
Is that a No, no, no, no, no! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! No! [ sobbing .]
oh, no.
[ Oscar bleats .]
Oscar! The blood of our founding fathers And their founding fathers' fathers! Okanow it's an abomination.
Brother Jerrod: The burning blood! [ sobbing .]
Guys, I am really sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right, man.
No.
We were in the clear if I didn't -- Gentlemen, I cannot believe what I have witnessed here tonight.
Livestock in the basement?! See why I refused his visit? Not now, Hector.
Who is this? Oh, he's just a guest of the house, sir.
Please continue.
Uh, where was I? Uh, livestock! Oh, yes -- a faculty adviser of questionable morality And very unsound judgment, Beer in the plumbing -- Which I did notice, by the way -- And I was gonna let it go until I saw the destruction Of our most holy of sacred books.
Not to mention the bastardization Of the holy harvest moon ritual! Brother Jerrod, please let me explain.
No, I will not let you do anything.
In fact, I don't want to hear another word From the person who is leading this house And deviating wildly from our rituals and traditions! No wonder these gentlemen are lost and aimless! You have destroyed the very foundation Of what makes us who we are! You, sir, are a disgrace to the order of Omega Sigma.
Damon.
Hey, Damon.
Uh-oh.
[ coughs .]
Oh.
Okay.
Um You can't even see me right now.
I'm invisible.
Poof.
Whoa.
He looks so pissed.
I guess I'm not invisible.
Can you guys see me right now? It's working.
Well, what would you have me do, kitten? I mean, do you have any idea How much paperwork is involved in dismantling a fraternity? Trust me.
There is no place I would rather be Than home with you and little JerrodJunior.
Oh, shut up.
[ insects chirping .]
What? Huh? You don't know me.
You don't know me, Mr.
Arthur Wesley Hayes.
You don't know me.
Huh, man? Yeah.
Damon.
What? Damon.
What? Oh.
Whoa.
Man What are you doing? We've been looking all over for you, man.
W-we need you back at the house.
Why? So I can be mocked? Turned on? Ridiculed like some idiot? No.
Damon.
You should see those guys back there, man.
They're lost.
Look, they need their president.
Ha! Do you know what I'm the president of? Crap.
I'm the president of crap.
[ sighs .]
I'm crap.
Damon, look at me.
You are not crap.
Have you ever seen my girlfriend, Joel? Oh, I got a beautiful girlfriend.
Yes.
You're a very lucky man.
How can Christie be with a man of crap like me? Well, you know, I'm not sure that I can answer that, Damon, But you two seem to make it work, right? Oh, who cares? It's all lies, Joel -- the whole thing.
A fraternity sucks you in With all this talk about brotherhood and loyalty.
[ laughs .]
and at first it feels so good.
[ sighs .]
Punch me in the face.
What? No.
I want you to punch me in the face right now.
Damon, why would you want me to do that? Because I deserve it.
Damon, I am not gonna punch you in the face.
[ groans .]
Why does it always have to be so hard for me?! You don't understand the pressure Of keeping that house under control.
Oh, you have no idea.
Okay, Damon, you might find this hard to believe But I know what pressure is.
[ laughs .]
yeah.
My dad has been calling me Dr.
Harrington Ever since I can remember.
He's been working double shifts for the last 12 years Just so I can go to Hayes and then on to medical school.
And then I joined this fraternity.
Pretty much threw my whole life out of whack.
But you know what? I'm glad that I did it.
Because I know that if I ever found myself drunk, Yelling at some statue That one of my brothers would come find me, Refuse to punch my face [ scoffs .]
And take my ass back home.
So what do you say? Huh? Huh? You ready to go back? [ exhales deeply .]
Yeah? All right, man.
At least one good thing came out of all this.
I got Stankowski off weed.
[ chuckles .]
Wow.
Brother Smythe.
Brother Jerrod.
You've returned.
Just in time to witness me submit my final report To national.
The letters will be removed from outside this building Within the week.
Brother Jerrod, wait.
Wait.
Before you go, I want to say one thing.
Oh, I'm very drunk.
Actually, wait.
No.
That wasn't it.
I love this fraternity.
In fact, I probably love it too much.
AndYes, I made up some rituals.
But more importantly, I I let all these guys down.
Everything that happened in this house Happened under my leadership.
A fish rots from the head, brother Jerrod.
And I'm the stinking head of this Omega Sig fish.
Punish meNot them.
Young men cannot thrive with faulty leadership.
Exactly.
That's why Brother Jerrod, I I submit to you my resignation In exchange for saving this house and its charter.
Okay.
Brother Damon, you are hereby relieved As president of Omega Sigma.
You are deactivated as a member, You are banished from these premises, And your name shall be officially stricken From the Omega Sig records.
As it should be.
The rest of you, consider yourself warned.
You can expect an unexpected visit from me Some time in your very near future.
Hey, wait a minute.
If you're gonna kick him out, you got to kick me out, too.
Damon goes, I go.
Okay.
You're out.
Better kick me out, too.
Oh, good.
Nothing would make me happier.
If they go, Hector goes.
Who's Hector? I'm Hector.
Oh, yeah.
Vamonos.
Anyone else? I am Spartacus, dude.
I'm also really dizzy.
Can you help -- help me up -- down? The pledges go, too.
Reno: As well as all the actives.
Well, I guess that's everybody.
Very well.
Charter revoked.
We're back where we started.
Reno: No, not exactly.
This time we go down on our own terms.
We've beaten you, Jerrod.
Good.
You'll have this little victory to keep you warm When you're out on the streets, because now you're homeless.
See, that's what you'll never understand About guys like us, brother Jerrod.
We might not be a fraternity anymore, We might not have a place to live, but at least -- Turbo: Oh, God! Where we gonna live? Goodbye, gentlemen.
Brother Jerrod.
Number six.
You know, ever since our meeting, I've been thinking about that question you asked me -- What positive thing had I ever done to help these boys? You didn't quite have an answer for that one, did you? No, I didn't.
I have to admit that I was a little thrown By all the research you had done on my personal life.
So I did what any trained academic would do.
I did a little research of my own.
I made some calls, And I talked to your wife, Claire In Lexington? A lovely lady, by the way.
And Jerrod Junior sounds like a real pistol.
I bet he has a lot of his old man in him, huh? Uh, yes, he does.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I can make Indiana State if I leave.
Well, uh, I also talked to your wife Allison In, uh, Lincoln, Nebraska.
Again, a very, very lovely young lady.
And with a son named Jerrod Junior.
Somebody really loves the sound of his own name.
Oh, my God.
Oh, and I also talked to your fiancee Laura In Champagne-Urbana.
Yeah.
She's very talkative.
I don't know how you do it.
What did you tell her? Does Laura know about Allison? Does Allison know about Claire? Does little Jerrod Junior know about Jerrod Junior? Or the other Jerrod Junior? There's more juniors? Uh, there might be.
Now, I haven't said anything to them yet.
Do I need to? Or is the sacrifice that these boys just made enough for you? Really, I think we should all Let each other slide a little tonight.
Come on, guys.
You don't know what it's like for me out there.
On the road 320 days a year all alone? A man can get lonely out there! All right! So I married a couple of women along the way.
Nobody got hurt.
But I love my children, Aloysius! Come on, brothers.
I can count on my brothers, can't I? Are we still brothers? Brother Smythe, you are an honor to your house.
Thank you.
Why are calling me "caller," dude? The name is Stankowski -- or Stank or Dank, okay? And I don't want General Public tickets, okay? I'm trying to order a pizza.
So could you put Phil on the line? [ all shouting .]
If you don't give it to me right now, I'm gonna be really hungry, dude.
Ow.
What do you want? [ crowd cheering .]
Radio deejay: Perverts, punks, and poseurs, are you ready? The one, the only General Public! [ cheers and applause .]
[ '80s music plays .]
I can't help it! That girl is amazing! What? I said she's amazing! Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
You're amazing, too! Come here.
Give me a hug.
This is the best night ever! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [ music continues .]
The first and the best confrontment.
Refront.
Can you lay down The English Beat and then appeal to the General Public? General Public? That's right.
Coming to Hayes For a one-time-only club show -- Just 200 seats -- General Public.
[ click, '80s music plays .]
I've got to see that show.
Ditto, roomie.
I swear, it's like we share the same brain.
And yet you continue to question the validity Of our compatibility form? I question a lot of things about you, Zack.
That form is just one of them.
Tickets go on sale tomorrow at 6:00 A.
M.
But right now, WHBD 109 FM is ready to give away A pair of front-row tickets To the 109th caller.
Don't worry -- if I win, There's no one in the world I would rather attend with.
I'll just use the pay phone.
[ indistinct talking .]
You are caller number 1-0-- Oh, my God! I won! I'm a winner! Take a quaalude, eager beaver.
You're only caller 108.
Hello, lucky 109! Talk to me.
Uh, what? Stankowski? Hello? Hello, caller.
Congratulations.
Yeah, hi.
Who -- what is going on? I'mYeah.
Uh, hello.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I'm really confused right now.
I'm just trying to order, like, my gut buster.
Can you help me out? "gut buster"? Yeah, gut buster.
You know -- like, the big thing? Can I get the big thing? Can I get extra everything on there? I want everything on there.
I love it.
And can I get, um -- who is this? Is this a new guy? Can I talk to Phil? Phil's my guy for this.
[ dial tone .]
[ music continues .]
All righty.
Looks like caller 110 is our lucky winner today.
Hello, caller.
Hello.
Is this Phil? Can I talk to Phil? Stankowski? Again? I'm so hungry.
"Glory Daze" Season 1, Episode 6- "I Ram So Far Away" [ '80s music playing .]
Damon: Oh! God! Come on! [ groans .]
What is this? And why is it bookmarking a lingerie catalog? Maybe 'cause I wasn't done reading it.
A letter that was addressed to me, Turbo, That I never had a chance to read? Did any of you read this? It says that an adviser from national Will be here to visit us and put us under formal review InLess than 24 hours.
Reno: 24 hours isn't much notice.
Oh, it was postmarked two weeks ago.
I say we refuse his visit! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Do you think before you speak? That's good to know.
Never! Your little sheepherding business Is confined to the basement until the adviser leaves.
[ mumbling in spanish .]
Guys, this is our chance To finally prove to national that we've cleaned up our act.
Maybe we can get off probation once and for all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And if we don't, they can yank our charter.
Nobody's yanking anything.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay, gentlemen.
It appears that we need to transform ourselves And this domicile into something worthy of inspection.
All right? It's not just about cleaning.
We have beer coming out of our faucets And a keg where the water heater should be.
Do we have any idea how much this guy even knows about us? Oh, if he knows half of what you and I know, we are so screwed.
Hey, guys.
I just ordered a pizza If any of you guys are, like, hungry and stuff, you know? Whoa.
Uh, the one thing that they do know about -- Stankowski.
[ sighs .]
Wait.
I don't -- I don't get it.
So, like, General Public was The English Beat? Okay.
Here's the deal.
The English Beat -- my favorite band, by the way -- Split up into two groups.
One half formed General Public, who rule, And the other half started Fine Young Cannibals, Who do not.
Look, all I know is we are going to that concert, okay? You know how much play those tickets are gonna get us With the ladies? How are we gonna get tickets When we're here cleaning up all day? I know, man.
General Public is not coming through this podunk town twice.
Turbo: I hear that.
Which is exactly why you three are gonna cover Harrington While he gets us some tickets.
You good with that, Joel? Yeah, I'm good with that.
Are you guys good with that? Yeah, definitely.
Is that good? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah? Get me close, okay? Make sure I'm in the aisle.
I need leg room in case the spirit get to moving, all right? Got it.
Amen.
All right.
Thanks, Turbo.
All right.
All right.
We're gonna do it.
Nice.
Get to work! Let's go! Pronto! All right.
I'll see you guys.
No.
Don't beat around the bush.
I know.
I understand.
[ exhales sharply .]
[ reggae music playing .]
Hey, dudes.
What brings you guys to the lair? Uh, a few things, actually.
Come.
Seek comfort.
Um Look, I'm just gonna say it, Stankowski.
With the national adviser coming, We need to get you clear.
I knew that this would eventually come to an end.
Um, I'll get my hookah kit.
Will you guys at least help me pack my bags? Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're not -- we're not telling you to leave.
Oh, good.
The national adviser Specifically requested meeting "the 32-year-old man Who has been living on the premises since 1976.
" What's that? Reno: So, you see, you can't leave.
We need you here.
Just a different version of you.
That means bathed.
Yeah.
You know, I'm down -- that's -- I'm good with that.
And weed-free.
Free weed.
Yeah, I'm doubly good with that.
I love it.
No.
That means you can't smoke pot.
What's the longest you've ever gone without getting high? 14 years.
Wow.
That's a long time.
Well, when was that exactly? Uh, between the ages of, um, birth and 14.
Okay, Stankowski, that's not helping us.
Oh, you know, there was another time in my life Where I was, uh, not high For like 34 hour-- hours, If my memory does serve me correctly, Which it usually does not.
Do you think you got another 34 in you? [ laughs .]
[ exhales deeply .]
[ chuckles .]
Hey, guys.
What brings you to the lair? Yeah, we're in trouble.
Hey, chang! Hey.
Hey.
What's up, man? Wow.
You got a great spot.
Yeah.
What time did you get here? About 7:00 A.
M.
I like to be out of the room when Eli has his morning time.
I really don't want to know what that means.
Actually scares me a little.
Me too.
Wow.
This line's really long.
They say this is the best thing to happen to Hayes Since Joe Piscopo's one-man show last year.
Wow.
Better get in line, then.
All right.
See you, man.
See you later.
Hey.
Christie.
There you are! Where have you been? I've been waiting.
What? You do know that it's -- it's Joel, right? I'm trying to help you cut in line.
You do want tickets, right? Really? Yeah.
You serious? Yes.
All right.
Jason: I really wish you'd stop volunteering us For the worst jobs in the house.
Hey, man.
Cleaning Stankowski's room is an honor, okay? We've been entrusted with sacred ground.
Hey, bros.
Check it out.
There are some things that a man can'tUn-see.
You were supposed to shave him.
Hey, the beard stays, bro.
Okay? So, how do I look -- Ready for, like, polite society or whatever? Honestly, you don't look any different.
Hey, at least he doesn't smell like bong water anymore.
Ah, the nectar of the gods.
Brian: Come here.
Ow.
It's tangled.
Ow.
Oh, be gentle, beentle.
Ow! It's tangled! Aah! Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
Ow! It's tangled! All right, all right, all right.
Stankowski, sit down.
All right, get comfortable.
All right, so, Stankowski, we made you a list Of all the words you can't say when you're with the adviser.
All right? "uh," "chill," "like," "bro," "dude," "okay," "totally," and "like.
" Yo, do you, like, guys realize That the word "like" is, like, in there twice? You realize That you just said the same word three times in one sentence? Whoa! Positive reinforcement, dude! I like that.
I-I mean, I enjoy that.
All right! Oh! Okay! Nice work, Stankowski.
That's very impressive.
Thank you.
How long has it been? Uh, he's been weed-free for about 14 minutes.
We're making progress.
14 minutes! [ chuckles .]
Oh, 14-- 14 minutes! [ laughter .]
[ laughter fades .]
Ho Let me just smoke one more -- No, no! No, no! Hey! Hey! Okay, okay! Wean me off it, is what I'm saying.
Come on, come on! O-okay! It's kinky.
What are you doing? So, I guess Damon couldn't wait in line with you because of the whole national-adviser thing? Actually, Damon's not really a concert guy.
Oh.
That's -- I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
I mean, you won't find me checking football stats on sundays.
Those actually come in on Monday.
Exactly my point.
Having different interests than your boyfriend Is not a bad thing.
Yeah, not at all.
I mean, I had a girlfriend like that Until she broke up with me Because we had nothing in common.
[ laughs .]
No, I mean, I -- [ laughs .]
Not that it's gonna happen to you.
I'm sure you guys are totally in it for -- for the long haul.
But Besides, that girl had issues.
Yeah, she used to write four letters every day To ricky schroder.
Really? Yeah, it was weird.
Hmm.
Thought I was the only one who did that.
[ both chuckle .]
Actually, for me, it was more like sixOr seven.
[ laughs .]
yeah, you got to love that ricky.
[ both laugh .]
[ indistinct conversations .]
It's looking better.
When push came to shove, I knew our boys could band together.
Yeah, but we have a long way to go -- Like the beer coming out of our plumbing.
Oh, relax, man.
We got all night to roto that rooter.
I thought I drank all that.
[ knock on door .]
[ knock on door .]
Good evening, gentlemen.
I'm your national adviser, brother Jerrod.
Brother Jerrod.
[ glass shatters .]
Uh, what a wonderful surprise.
I'm Damon Smythe, house president.
And this is Uh, uh, Michael Reno, our house social chair.
[ chuckling .]
did I mention what a wonderful surprise this is? Well, I just wrapped up my stay at purdue -- Adjusted their membership by four or five members -- And figured, "if I can get to Hayes by midnight, "why not go and scare the crap out of those guys" -- right? [ laughs .]
[ both laugh .]
Whoo! So here I am.
Oh, boy.
The adviser's here early! How's Stankowski? How's it looking in there? Well, um, as the spanish would say, "no bueno.
" Oh, this is not good.
Which is why he said "no bueno.
" Oh, man.
He's become resistant.
We're talking denial, some depression, a few tears.
Stankowski: "I do not like green eggs and ham.
" Ohh Dudes, this is confusing, and that's my favorite meal! I can't do this! Look, we're also getting a fair amount of anger.
Oh, man.
All the stages of grief.
How much more time y'all gonna need?! Well, uh, on a scale Between "1" and "as long as Damon and Reno can stall," I'm gonna go with "no bueno" again.
I've seen a lot of schools, gentlemen, Met a lot of young men, and believe me, I make it a rule of thumb -- Never judge a book by its cover.
Words to live by, sir.
That said, I recently saw a book -- "the great gatsby.
" Perhaps you've heard of it.
Anyway, it had this amazing cover.
And I read it.
It was great.
So maybe you can judge.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Are you boys familiar with the phrase "political correctness"? I'm not surprised.
But it's out there, spreading roots.
And pretty soon, that phrase will be as familiar As the phrase "nuthugger.
" Are you ready to live in that world? Frankly, a world where "nuthugger" is a phrase Gives me the willies, sir.
It gives me pause, too, brother Reno, But believe me, we are in a world right now Where soon, a mexican will be called a latino And a latino will be called a chicano And a retard will be called special.
It is my job to make sure That the Omega Sigs are prepared to live in that world.
And we appreciate that preparation, sir.
Times are changing, boys, And this house is ripe for a lawsuit.
Speaking of legal infractions, I'm very interested In this 32-year-old male of undetermined status Living in this house.
Oh, no.
His status is -- is very determined.
He is a student of many subjects, disciplines, degrees.
He sounds fascinating.
When do I get to meet this William Xavier Stankowski? Uh, we can't wait for you to meet William.
As soon as he returns from Singing to the elderly.
[ sighs .]
he never stops giving.
You think he'd get tired.
[ laughter .]
Okay, okay.
You got me on that one.
How about this? Sean Connery or Roger Moore? Oh, come on.
Connery by a mile.
[ chuckles .]
Me too.
Come on.
Give me a tough one.
Okay.
Um Ferris Wheel Or Ferris Bueller? [ laughing .]
what? That doesn't even make sense.
Oh, I think it does, Joel.
Clock's ticking.
Pick a Ferris -- Wheel or Bueller.
"Bueller? Anyone?" Would it disappoint you if I said that I didn't have a preference? Disappoint me? No.
I mean, the game's called "either/or.
" But I'm sure "I don't have a preference" Is gonna sweep the nation any day now.
What can I say? I'm a trendsetter.
[ both laugh .]
Good.
And here's our kitchen.
Uh-huh.
Well I like your glassware.
It's nice when someone notices.
[ chuckles .]
Brother Jerrod, is there something I can help you with? Just gonna get a glass of water.
[ faucet running .]
No, no, no! We won't have you drinking water from the tap.
No.
An important man like you deserves bottled water.
[ scoffs .]
I've heard of that.
Do not fear, Oscar.
I refused his visit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Christie: You know, you never told me How the rest of dad's day panned out.
Uh, it wasIt was good.
Is that a question? [ chuckles .]
no, no.
It was definitely good.
Yeah.
I wasn't sure it would ever happen, But my dad's actually cool with me being in a fraternity now.
Isn't it great when parents do things like that -- You know, remind you that they're real people? Yeah, it is great.
Although sometimes it can be kind of weird.
I remember this one time I walked in on my parents in the bath.
My dad's 6'8".
My mom's 5'1".
It's a small tub.
I mean, they were just all over each other.
There was big limbs and little limbs just flying and [ exhales deeply .]
[ chuckles .]
I'm sorry.
II thought we were sharing.
No.
You were sharing.
I was cringing.
[ laughing .]
I'm sorry.
You know, I-I look at my parents sometimes And wonder how they ever ended up together.
But we were at this wedding once, And after a series of disco moves That I truly believe scarred me life, I watched them dance this slow dance.
AndI know this is gonna sound stupid, But suddenly I understood, you know? I guess the little moments Are how you know people are right for each other.
Well, things seem to be in order Except for the lack of toilet paper In the downstairs bathroom.
Let's take a look upstairs.
What are y'all doing here?! You're supposed to be in there with him! We were until he started yelling at us.
Withdrawals, man.
It was ugly.
The adviser is coming up.
Just make sure he doesn't go in that room, okay? Ah, an impromptu gathering.
Something of interest here? Pledge Eli Feldman, your honor.
Oh, you don't need to kneel.
Although I like it.
Pledge Jason Wilson, sir, of the Pennsylvania Wilsons.
Ah, those are my favorite Wilsons of all.
Pledge, uh, Brian Sommers.
UhCapricorn.
I see capricorns don't kneel.
[ chuckles .]
Just kidding.
[ laughter .]
Not really.
Well, it's been a long day.
I think I'll turn in.
Fantastic, brother.
We're gonna have you right over here in my room.
Just after I see what's behind that door.
Uh Why this door? Fellas, I've spent a lot of time in fraternity houses, And I recognize a roadblock when I see one.
Oh, this isn't a roadblock.
This -- this It's just three pledges kneeling in a row.
Smythe, open the door.
Now? Now.
[ hinge squeaks .]
Brother Jerrod, I presume.
Are you in the mood for Mozart? [ opera music playing .]
Come on in.
[ music continues .]
Believe it or not, That was how I beat George Plimpton in croquet.
[ laughing .]
oh, that's marvelous.
It was an honor to meet you, William.
You too, sir.
Brother Jerrod, I've made up my bed for you.
Brother Jerrod: Thank you.
You did it.
I'm so proud of you.
[ exhales deeply .]
Oh! Go.
Go.
Go inside.
Damon: I think I aged 10 years last night.
Stankowski's due for an Oscar.
I don't know what those pledges did to him.
And yet part of me misses the smell of bong water.
It is his essence.
Rise and shine, brother Jerrod.
You've got a meeting with professor Haines in an hour.
[ hinge squeaks .]
Oh, naked.
Oh, honey.
Sorry.
We're gonna have to do this yoga later.
Kiss little Jerrod Junior for me.
Tell him daddy will be home for four days this spring.
Oh, my apologies, boys.
Just trying to do some yoga with my wife.
Boy, when you're on the road as much as I am, You got to find ways to keep the romance alive.
[ laughter .]
Don't picture her naked.
I'm trying not to picture anyone naked.
All right.
Now, if one of you brothers would kindly open those blinds, I'd like to center myself with a sun salutation.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna just Whoa.
It's foggy.
Looks like the sun's a little shy this morning.
What do you say we skip the salute And let brother Jerrod eat in privacy, shall we? I'll take that.
Nice.
The Beast.
I know.
I couldn't stop looking at it.
It was huge.
And not just the length.
The girth.
No, no.
Not that Beast.
The Beast.
Our Beast -- the 9-foot-tall beer bong in the back.
Nobody moved it.
Oh, my God.
How does that slip through the cracks? [ scoffs .]
[ classical music playing .]
Anyone up for a concert? Oh! Huh?! Yeah! Top of the morning, Joel.
Stankowski? My name is William.
My father has great expectations for me.
If you'll excuse me.
Okay.
Guys, what was that? I hate myself for what we did to him.
Guys, what's going on here? The Beast! You knuckleheads never moved it! Oh, gosh.
Oh, geez.
The adviser came early.
Oh, no.
[ music continues .]
Checkmate.
All right.
Come on.
Hurry up.
We got to get this out of here Before brother Jerrod comes from his meeting with Haines, right? My little legs can't handle this, guys.
We got it.
Doing good.
You're doing good.
That's it, baby.
All right.
You got it.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Easy, easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop! Okay.
Let's regroup.
Let's regroup this.
We got to push it.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Bring it back.
All right? On three, guys, all right? One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! One! Two! Three! Three! Three! Three! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, no! No! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! No! No! No! [ crash .]
Ohh! Ohh! Oh, please tell me that's not brother Jerrod's car.
Faculty adviser Haines.
I'm brother Jerrod from Omega Sigma.
Oh.
Call me Aloysius.
Very well.
Faculty adviser Aloysius Haines.
Dr.
Aloysius Haines.
Hmm.
You are the sixth faculty adviser That these Omega Sigmas have had over the last two years.
For clerical purposes, Would you mind if I referred to you as number six? I would.
You do realize that my visit here could determine the future Of the Omega Sigma chapter at Hayes university? This file contains a mountain of evidence Which hinges solely on my interpretation of the facts.
Well, facts may be what they are, but let's not forget.
This is a group of guys with the best of intentions.
I take great pride in what I do, number six.
And your liberal policies with these boys -- Being their "friend" -- Makes it nearly impossible for me to do my job.
Well, these kids are my friends.
We've worked very hard on establish-- What are you writing? Just noting your belligerence.
My belligerence?! Exactly what have you done to exert a positive influence On the lives of these young men? Many things! Is that so? Would the top of that list include Hiding tinfoil-wrapped dog poop In the car of a prominent attorney? Wait.
How did you hear about this? Have you been talking to the Dean? Has my wife's attorney talked to the Dean? I don't know.
Okay, look.
It doesn't matter anyways.
My personal life should have no influence On your view of the Omega Sigs.
Besides, they're the ones that taught me how to make a shant.
Please don't write that.
Please.
Oh, don't touch me.
"shant.
" Man: General Public.
Thanks a lot.
I can't believe we had to gi up those concert tickets.
What else was I supposed to do? We didn't have money for the repairs.
It was the only way to get brother Jerrod's car fixed.
We did the right thing.
Absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Wait! We want our tickets back! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hang in there, William Stankowski.
Thanks to you, we're passing brother Jerrod's visit With flying colors.
Oh, I miss flying colors, man.
I don't think I can do this for much longer.
Don't worry.
You're doing great.
No.
[ clears throat .]
Um, no, I'm not, okay? It's been 28 hours.
My skin is itchy.
My tongue is dry.
[ clears throat .]
And my head is banging, you know? It's like "mmMmMm.
" You hear that? You hear it, right? Yeah.
Brothers! You have so impressed me.
Not since last November at wichita state Have I been so inspired by a group of Omega Sigmas.
And I'm here to offer you a very special treat.
Oh, delightful.
[ whimpers .]
William, are you all right? As I'm sure you've noticed, William's very sensitive.
He, uh, he twitches with pride At the mere mention of this house receiving treats.
Well, my love for Omega Sigma also runs very deep.
And I would like to express our common passion By joining you in your regular harvest moon ritual.
And now the treat.
Behold, my brothers.
The sacred book of Omega Sigma.
The only one in existence, Passed down generation to generation, Transcribed in the blood of our founding fathers And our founding fathers' fathers' blood.
That's a lot of blood.
Lot of blood.
While I prepare, gather the others.
What was that? We're screwed.
Why? It's the one thing we can do right -- harvest moon.
Uh, here's the thing.
We don't actually know the harvest moon ritual.
What are you talking about? You have us do it every month, Even when there's no harvest -- or moon.
Look, I made up my own version.
I-it just seemed more harvest-moony to me.
You think brother Jerrod will know the difference? He noticed the wreath on our crest had 26 leaves Instead of 27.
You tell me.
You guys hear it now, right? It goes "mmMmMmMm.
" Okay.
Yeah, we hear it.
We hear it.
Brother Jerrod: Brothers, tonight we honor the harvest moon beneath whose healing glow we reveal our true selves.
[ fire crackling, men chanting .]
Brother Damon, may I continue leading? Oh, by all means.
Please.
As passed down to us from our founding fathers' fathers, Whose sacred text I now hold, we recite -- Oh, to a time when the grass grows high.
All: Oh, to a time when the grass grows high.
When a seed becomes a bud.
All: When a seed becomes a bud.
Oh, gosh.
And in this bountiful season, We inhale the hearty scent of the earth.
That's it, man.
Later.
I'm out.
William? Oh, no, no, no, no.
He's -- he's okay.
He's -- he's easily overwhelmed by the power of ritual.
As am I.
Must find [sniffs.]
stash.
By the bounty of the earth and the richness of the soil Brother Damon, you may continue.
Oh.
Oh, brother Jerrod.
But when you speak of the richness of the soil, It's -- it's as if I'm hearing it for the first time.
Oh, thank you.
But I insist.
All right.
Uh Here we go.
TheRich soil, with its richness, Was very enriching.
All: Very enriching.
Come on.
Come on.
Where are you, dude? [ exhales deeply .]
[ sniffs .]
Bring forth the scythes.
Brother Jerrod: What is going on? There are no scythes in the harvest moon ritual.
Really? No.
Remove the scythes! What is wrong with you two? Go! I promise to never leave you again.
Bring forth theSabers.
No sabers? I missed you, dude.
You know? Hector: itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout down the came the rain -- [ bleats .]
Tranquilo.
Oscar, what's wrong? This is your favorite song.
[ bleating continues .]
How do you feel about the golden ax? Give me this! What is going on in this room?! This is an abomination! Reno: Whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll give you "embarrassing," But "abomination" -- it's a bit harsh.
It's not harsh enough! [ Oscar bleating .]
What the [ bleats .]
Is that a No, no, no, no, no! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! No! [ sobbing .]
oh, no.
[ Oscar bleats .]
Oscar! The blood of our founding fathers And their founding fathers' fathers! Okanow it's an abomination.
Brother Jerrod: The burning blood! [ sobbing .]
Guys, I am really sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right, man.
No.
We were in the clear if I didn't -- Gentlemen, I cannot believe what I have witnessed here tonight.
Livestock in the basement?! See why I refused his visit? Not now, Hector.
Who is this? Oh, he's just a guest of the house, sir.
Please continue.
Uh, where was I? Uh, livestock! Oh, yes -- a faculty adviser of questionable morality And very unsound judgment, Beer in the plumbing -- Which I did notice, by the way -- And I was gonna let it go until I saw the destruction Of our most holy of sacred books.
Not to mention the bastardization Of the holy harvest moon ritual! Brother Jerrod, please let me explain.
No, I will not let you do anything.
In fact, I don't want to hear another word From the person who is leading this house And deviating wildly from our rituals and traditions! No wonder these gentlemen are lost and aimless! You have destroyed the very foundation Of what makes us who we are! You, sir, are a disgrace to the order of Omega Sigma.
Damon.
Hey, Damon.
Uh-oh.
[ coughs .]
Oh.
Okay.
Um You can't even see me right now.
I'm invisible.
Poof.
Whoa.
He looks so pissed.
I guess I'm not invisible.
Can you guys see me right now? It's working.
Well, what would you have me do, kitten? I mean, do you have any idea How much paperwork is involved in dismantling a fraternity? Trust me.
There is no place I would rather be Than home with you and little JerrodJunior.
Oh, shut up.
[ insects chirping .]
What? Huh? You don't know me.
You don't know me, Mr.
Arthur Wesley Hayes.
You don't know me.
Huh, man? Yeah.
Damon.
What? Damon.
What? Oh.
Whoa.
Man What are you doing? We've been looking all over for you, man.
W-we need you back at the house.
Why? So I can be mocked? Turned on? Ridiculed like some idiot? No.
Damon.
You should see those guys back there, man.
They're lost.
Look, they need their president.
Ha! Do you know what I'm the president of? Crap.
I'm the president of crap.
[ sighs .]
I'm crap.
Damon, look at me.
You are not crap.
Have you ever seen my girlfriend, Joel? Oh, I got a beautiful girlfriend.
Yes.
You're a very lucky man.
How can Christie be with a man of crap like me? Well, you know, I'm not sure that I can answer that, Damon, But you two seem to make it work, right? Oh, who cares? It's all lies, Joel -- the whole thing.
A fraternity sucks you in With all this talk about brotherhood and loyalty.
[ laughs .]
and at first it feels so good.
[ sighs .]
Punch me in the face.
What? No.
I want you to punch me in the face right now.
Damon, why would you want me to do that? Because I deserve it.
Damon, I am not gonna punch you in the face.
[ groans .]
Why does it always have to be so hard for me?! You don't understand the pressure Of keeping that house under control.
Oh, you have no idea.
Okay, Damon, you might find this hard to believe But I know what pressure is.
[ laughs .]
yeah.
My dad has been calling me Dr.
Harrington Ever since I can remember.
He's been working double shifts for the last 12 years Just so I can go to Hayes and then on to medical school.
And then I joined this fraternity.
Pretty much threw my whole life out of whack.
But you know what? I'm glad that I did it.
Because I know that if I ever found myself drunk, Yelling at some statue That one of my brothers would come find me, Refuse to punch my face [ scoffs .]
And take my ass back home.
So what do you say? Huh? Huh? You ready to go back? [ exhales deeply .]
Yeah? All right, man.
At least one good thing came out of all this.
I got Stankowski off weed.
[ chuckles .]
Wow.
Brother Smythe.
Brother Jerrod.
You've returned.
Just in time to witness me submit my final report To national.
The letters will be removed from outside this building Within the week.
Brother Jerrod, wait.
Wait.
Before you go, I want to say one thing.
Oh, I'm very drunk.
Actually, wait.
No.
That wasn't it.
I love this fraternity.
In fact, I probably love it too much.
AndYes, I made up some rituals.
But more importantly, I I let all these guys down.
Everything that happened in this house Happened under my leadership.
A fish rots from the head, brother Jerrod.
And I'm the stinking head of this Omega Sig fish.
Punish meNot them.
Young men cannot thrive with faulty leadership.
Exactly.
That's why Brother Jerrod, I I submit to you my resignation In exchange for saving this house and its charter.
Okay.
Brother Damon, you are hereby relieved As president of Omega Sigma.
You are deactivated as a member, You are banished from these premises, And your name shall be officially stricken From the Omega Sig records.
As it should be.
The rest of you, consider yourself warned.
You can expect an unexpected visit from me Some time in your very near future.
Hey, wait a minute.
If you're gonna kick him out, you got to kick me out, too.
Damon goes, I go.
Okay.
You're out.
Better kick me out, too.
Oh, good.
Nothing would make me happier.
If they go, Hector goes.
Who's Hector? I'm Hector.
Oh, yeah.
Vamonos.
Anyone else? I am Spartacus, dude.
I'm also really dizzy.
Can you help -- help me up -- down? The pledges go, too.
Reno: As well as all the actives.
Well, I guess that's everybody.
Very well.
Charter revoked.
We're back where we started.
Reno: No, not exactly.
This time we go down on our own terms.
We've beaten you, Jerrod.
Good.
You'll have this little victory to keep you warm When you're out on the streets, because now you're homeless.
See, that's what you'll never understand About guys like us, brother Jerrod.
We might not be a fraternity anymore, We might not have a place to live, but at least -- Turbo: Oh, God! Where we gonna live? Goodbye, gentlemen.
Brother Jerrod.
Number six.
You know, ever since our meeting, I've been thinking about that question you asked me -- What positive thing had I ever done to help these boys? You didn't quite have an answer for that one, did you? No, I didn't.
I have to admit that I was a little thrown By all the research you had done on my personal life.
So I did what any trained academic would do.
I did a little research of my own.
I made some calls, And I talked to your wife, Claire In Lexington? A lovely lady, by the way.
And Jerrod Junior sounds like a real pistol.
I bet he has a lot of his old man in him, huh? Uh, yes, he does.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I can make Indiana State if I leave.
Well, uh, I also talked to your wife Allison In, uh, Lincoln, Nebraska.
Again, a very, very lovely young lady.
And with a son named Jerrod Junior.
Somebody really loves the sound of his own name.
Oh, my God.
Oh, and I also talked to your fiancee Laura In Champagne-Urbana.
Yeah.
She's very talkative.
I don't know how you do it.
What did you tell her? Does Laura know about Allison? Does Allison know about Claire? Does little Jerrod Junior know about Jerrod Junior? Or the other Jerrod Junior? There's more juniors? Uh, there might be.
Now, I haven't said anything to them yet.
Do I need to? Or is the sacrifice that these boys just made enough for you? Really, I think we should all Let each other slide a little tonight.
Come on, guys.
You don't know what it's like for me out there.
On the road 320 days a year all alone? A man can get lonely out there! All right! So I married a couple of women along the way.
Nobody got hurt.
But I love my children, Aloysius! Come on, brothers.
I can count on my brothers, can't I? Are we still brothers? Brother Smythe, you are an honor to your house.
Thank you.
Why are calling me "caller," dude? The name is Stankowski -- or Stank or Dank, okay? And I don't want General Public tickets, okay? I'm trying to order a pizza.
So could you put Phil on the line? [ all shouting .]
If you don't give it to me right now, I'm gonna be really hungry, dude.
Ow.
What do you want? [ crowd cheering .]
Radio deejay: Perverts, punks, and poseurs, are you ready? The one, the only General Public! [ cheers and applause .]
[ '80s music plays .]
I can't help it! That girl is amazing! What? I said she's amazing! Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
You're amazing, too! Come here.
Give me a hug.
This is the best night ever! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [ music continues .]