Going Straight (1978) s01e06 Episode Script
Going off the Rails
MAN WHISTLES JAUNTILY # I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price and done the time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime.
# This way, gentlemen, please.
Now, Mrs Gilchrist, I want you just to walk along the line and if you recognise the man in question, point him out.
There is no need to speak.
Just point to him.
Right? You look relieved.
I beg your pardon? I do not! Yes, you do.
I heard your knees knocking.
Quiet, please.
I'm afraid not.
You're sure? Take your time.
I'm positive, Inspector.
As I told you, he had ginger hair - curly, ginger hair.
Might have been a wig.
Clutching at straws.
He wants an arrest.
He don't care who.
Quiet, please! Let 'em go.
Thank you for your cooperation, gentlemen.
Little choice, some of us.
Don't moan, Fletch.
You got a free cup of tea out of it, didn't you? I'm not looking for a hand-out, am I? Look, why do you harass us old lags, eh? It's not harassment, Fletch.
Just that you've got a villainous face.
Gives our line-up the right sort of tone.
You don't recognise me, do you? Dave Pybus.
Used to use your local in the old days.
Hand and Flower.
When Alf Tonks was there.
Oh, Alf, yeah.
Sorry, I still don't You know my brother.
Eric 'Clapper' Pybus.
Oh, Clapper! Yeah, Clapper.
That rings a bell.
So, how is he, then? Clapper? Yeah.
Oh, going like 'em, ain't he? Going like 'em? The clappers.
HE CHUCKLES He's doing very nicely, is Eric.
He's got a big house up at Harrow on the Hill.
Georgian style, with a full-sized billiard table, sauna bath - the works.
He does very nicely.
And he's never been done, you know.
He's got no form.
How about yourself? Oh, I had a bit of a setback a couple of years ago.
Yeah, well, we all have a few of them, don't we? Been out long, have you? Not long, no.
No.
How's it going? Oh, very well.
Very well.
I've got a house.
Muswell on the Hill.
Yeah.
Mine's Georgian.
In my case, George V.
No sauna bath, but we've got a little shed at the bottom of the garden that houses a couple of cycles and a wringer.
I know what it's like, my old mate.
Do you? To look at you, Dave, I wouldn't say you was exactly on your uppers.
Eh? I mean, that whistle, the car you drove us here in.
Automatic, two-tone, real leather upholstery, wing mirrors.
Oh, I'm thinking of changing it.
Well, it's coming up to 20,000.
My bloke, what puts the spanners to it, he says, "Dave, best do it now before something big goes, like the gearbox.
" Yes, I know what you mean.
I have the same problem with my bike.
I've got to trade that in before the bell drops off.
Here, Fletch, listen.
It might be quite fortuitous, bumping into you like this.
Oh, yeah? Well, it might be that I'm in a position to, uh, help you out.
Oh, yes? Might be that I could put something your way.
Put what my way? Why should you do me any favours, David? It's not a question of favours, is it? You're a gem bloke, Fletch.
Hard to come by - solid reputation.
I know people who value integrity.
I should tell you before you go any further that I am going straight.
Of course you are.
That's clearly understood.
What also should be clearly understood - anything put my way will not be considered unless strictly within the letter of the law.
What sort of person do you think I am? A crooked sort of a person.
The sort of person my parole officer tells me to avoid.
Depends on how you define 'crooked'.
There's crooked and crooked.
Yeah, well, you're both kinds, ain't you? I run a legitimate business now.
We manufacture party novelties - paper hats, jokes All right, yes.
All right.
I appreciate the offer, and the drinks, of course.
But I am keeping my nose clean - not for myself, for my family.
My daughter's getting married in a couple of weeks.
You'll need some readies for that.
Got anything going? Oh, yeah.
Got lots of things going.
Oh, yes, yes.
Matter of fact, I'm thinking of transferring all my assets to an offshore tax haven in Bermuda.
Huh? Yeah.
On the other hand, bearing in mind all the political unrest in the Caribbean, I think, probably, in the long run, it would be better to leave it where it is - in the piggy bank on the mantelpiece.
Blimey, Fletch.
You nearly had me going there.
Here, look.
Tell you what.
Think about it.
Change your mind, there's where you can contact me.
Oh, yeah.
Here you are.
Here's where you can contact me.
Muswell Hill probation office? That's right, yeah.
Any Tuesday and Friday, call in, 10 o'clock sharp, cos I'm an F, see? You'll see me standing in line with all the other poor Fs.
Hello, love.
You had a sleep? Yeah.
You should have woke me.
Oh, I couldn't bring myself to.
You look ever so sweet when you're asleep.
You look about six years old.
HE CHUCKLES I feel a bit older than that when I wake up, though.
Oh, don't! You'll mess up my pattern.
I'm halfway through the bodice.
Ooh, it's a nice word, that - 'bodice'.
"And with his teeth, he loosened the strap of her pink bodice.
" HE GROWLS Oh, bodice.
HE GROWLS SHE GIGGLES Oh, my Gawd.
Feeding time again, is it? Hello, Fletch.
Hello, Dad.
My presence in this house adds a bit of spice to your courtship, dunnit? Eh? A hint of the illicit, know what I mean? Cos you never know when I'll walk in, do you? When you're married and it's all above board, your sex life will fizzle out.
Nothing will change, cos we'll still be living here.
What? Till we find a decent place.
Oh, I see.
And you'll be just as irritable when you come through the door.
It is usual for people to put aside a bit of cash before they rush into marriage, so they're not a burden on their in-laws.
Oh, come on, Dad.
You'd hate it if I left.
Who'd look after you then? Not Raymond, that's for sure.
Yeah, nothing will change.
I'll still be on the road most of the time and for half the week you'll be able to treat this house as if it was your own.
Oh, that'll make a change! You are nice to me, aren't you, Len? Very nice indeed.
Oh, don't sit down there, Dad! There's pins all over the place.
Wedding dress, is it? Going-away outfit.
Oh, going-away outfit.
Would you make him one? I'd like him to go away as soon as possible.
Where are you going, anyhow? Oh, I can never pronounce it.
What's it called, Len? Lanzarote.
That's it.
Lanzarote.
Lanzarote? Where the hell's that? Well, we're not quite sure cos we can't find it on the map.
HE CHUCKLES But it's out-of-the-ordinary, you know? Not too touristy.
It's volcanic.
Oh, that'll be nice, won't it? That'll get you out of bed in the morning.
Don't be daft, Dad! It's dormant.
All volcanoes is dormant, ain't they? Until that terrible night when they suddenly erupt.
Cover everyone in molten rock and flying sherbet.
He could be right, Lennie.
You never know.
No, don't listen.
If there was any danger, it wouldn't be a "fast-growing holiday centre," as described in the brochure.
I don't know why you pick a place you can't pronounce, can't find on a map and is covered in volcanoes.
Because it's cheap.
We're getting a special deal from Marion's boyfriend.
Him what's got the travel agency.
Him?! He's the bloke who left a planeload of Welshmen stranded in Morocco, isn't he? None of whom have ever been heard of since.
They're probably all still there, singing away.
Keeping a welcome in the wadies.
Leave it off, Dad! There's no need to put the mockers on this wedding.
I am just interested in your finances, that's all.
Who's paying for all this? I'll tell you.
I've told you about the honeymoon - that's courtesy of Marion .
.
indirectly.
My wedding outfit's courtesy of the girls at the salon, cos they had a whip round, and Len's mum's brother - his uncle Bertram - is donating the cake.
Cos he's a baker.
And, uh, we're doing it in the registry office, to save the expense of a church.
Oh, yeah? What about the reception? You'll need a hall, caterers, won't you? And loads of booze, knowing our lot.
Not to mention the hordes of Godbers who'll come out of the woodwork.
Who's going to pay for all that? Have you seen my thimble anywhere, Len? I said, who's going to pay for all that? Have I dropped it somewhere? Is it on the floor, love? Never mind hunt the thimble! Let us discuss this, shall we? Now, listen - you know my situ Would you mind pointing the other end at me when I'm talking to you? You know my situation, but you are my daughter, which makes me the father of the bride.
As such, I intend to do my best.
Much as Spencer Tracy did in the film of the same name.
You know I can't run to the Dorchester, but I've had a word with old Ernie Lax - him who keeps the Lamb and Flag.
He says we can have their back room.
We can take the boards off the windows and air it out a bit.
Get some folding chairs, maybe put a big double sheet over the billiard table, like a tablecloth, see? Dad, that's very sweet of you, butuh Well, we can't have it here, girl, can we? There's no room here.
I know, I know - Dave Greener's garage.
That's the place.
That's good.
It's all been taken care of, Dad.
You can dance there, can't you? # If you change your mind, honey, I'm still free # I said it's all been taken care of.
Uh, I'll see if your thimble's in the kitchen, Ingrid.
You stay here, you.
Taken care of? How? Well, you know the old manor house up near Stanmore? Yeah.
Well, it's going to be there, in the Gilbert and Sullivan room.
You can't afford that! It's booked and paid for.
Who by? Well, uhMum was over Tuesday, see? Uhyou know, discussing this and that.
Oh, she was sorry to miss you, but I think you was down the probation office.
Yes, yes, yes.
Anyway, she said this was a present from her and, uh .
.
Reg.
What? You're not taking anything from Reg Jessop.
He's not family.
He's merely the bloke who shacked up with your mother.
Well, that makes him a sort of You shut up! It don't make him nothing.
Apart from exhausted.
I've known Reg for years, Dad.
He's almost like an uncle.
Besides, it's Mum's present.
It's just that it's him who's got the Go on.
Go on, say it - money.
Money, money, money, money.
You think of nobody but yourselves, you two.
Well, it is our wedding.
It's just that we know your circumstances.
We know, at this point in time, you haven't got the wherewithal.
Believe me, Fletch, if you had anything at all, Ingrid and me would be only too pleased to take it.
Well, that's nice, innit? I didn't mean it like that.
RADIO PLAYS 'Money, Money, Money' by Abba.
MUSIC STOPS Shut up.
Money, money, money.
Fletch? Oh, hello, Dave.
Thanks for coming over.
Sorry I'm late.
I only got your message an hour ago.
The wife rang me.
I was at the White City.
Oh, yeah.
Who was it I spoke to on the phone, then? That would have been the wife.
Oh, really? She's got a deep voice, ain't she? A fella? Yeah.
Round my house? Yeah.
Answering my telephone? Yeah.
Oh! Probably her brother.
Yeah.
West Country accent.
More your West Indian.
Whatround my house? Yeah.
Oh, dear.
I've obviously opened a complete new can of peas.
Or in your case, mangoes.
No, there is obviously a perfectly simple explanation why there should be a big West Indian round your wife at 9 o'clock this evening.
Like what? Well, I don't know.
I don't know your wife, do I? I didn't know you had a wife till I spoke to her loverer, the bloke who, er .
.
who was doing what he was doing there.
I'll sort that out later.
I think you'd better, Dave.
Sooner the better.
Well, obviously that's not why I asked you round.
Of course it isn't.
I suppose you can guess why I did ask you round? Well, I put two and two together.
Yeah, yeah.
Much as that West Indian was doing with your wife, I should think.
Oi! Just a joke, just a joke! So, what are the details of this assignment, then? It's all right to talk here, is it? Yeah.
Safe as houses here.
This is what you do, is it? Night porter.
Pro tem, pro tem, yes.
I see why you had second thoughts.
You can't be making much at this.
I haven't said I'm having second thoughts, Dave.
I want more details first.
What is my function in this caper? Just peripheral.
Uh, is that the word? Well, it is A word, certainly, yes.
What does it mean? What I mean is, on the fringe.
Lookout, like.
Listen, I'm having no truck with violence.
Understood? I never have and I never will.
If you're going armed or about to break heads, count me out.
You make a lot of demands for a night porter.
I've told you, I'm not that desperate.
I just need a few readies for theyou know.
Oh, put your mind at rest, my son.
There'll be none of that.
These lads are a 24-carat bunch.
Oh.
That's a big bunch of carrots, innit? They're not desperate either.
This has been planned meticulous.
It's the ace job.
Every job I've ever done is the ace job.
Well, this is.
And for doing next to naff all, there's 500 quid in it for you.
500 quid? HE EXHALES When is it? Saturday week.
Oh, Saturday week.
Well, that's that.
That's put the tin hat on that.
Why? Well, my daughter's getting married Saturday week.
Oh, dear.
What time? Two o'clock.
Oh, well, you're all right, then.
We'll be through by noon.
Noon? Guaranteed.
It's too dodgy.
No, honest.
Has to be.
Some of these lads have planes to catch.
Planes?! I told you, Fletch.
It's big.
I mean, I'm not talking about you and me, but for the top echelon, like, these lads is off away to sunnier climes.
They're going to be tax exiles.
Like Rod Stewart and the Rolling Stones.
Funny.
They made their money out of daylight robbery and all, didn't they? All right.
Fletch? Fletch? HE MURMURS Yes, Mr Mackay.
I'm just getting up, yes.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's you.
What do you want? Sorry.
HE CHUCKLES Sorry? What about? For waking you.
Oh.
You woke me up to tell me you're sorry for waking me, did you? No, I had to.
I've got to go to Wallasey.
Oh, I see.
You woke me up to tell me you were driving that great big heap of scrap to Wallasey.
I brought you a mug of tea.
Listen.
If your battery's flat and you want a push, forget it.
I haven't got me elephant with me.
No, I had to talk to you, Fletch, and with all this overtime I'm doing I won't get a chance to talk to you before the wedding.
Talk? What about? The wedding.
Oh! Calling it off, are you? Got cold feet, have you? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You don't think I can make Ingrid happy, do you? Well, I can.
I can make her happy.
Happy? What is happy? "Happiness is a warm truck driver"? Is that it? You don't think I'm good enough for Ingrid.
Never have done.
Well, you're not.
I suppose you saw her marrying some sort of bloke with a nice accent and a hacking jacket and a cravat.
Bit like Dirk Bogarde when he was in Doctor In The House.
Don't get stroppy with me.
You know what I'm like first thing in the morning.
I'll thump you.
Is this sugared? Course it's sugared.
Two and a half.
Think I don't know how to make your tea? Number of cups I made for you in the nick, waiting on you.
Oh, hark at her! What are you getting so grumpy about? Because you get up my goat, you do.
Wrong.
Pardon? I get your goat.
I don't get UP your goat! I get up your nose.
Or on your wick.
You do all three.
I'm off.
Come here.
You haven't told me yet, have you? I'm not going to now.
I'm not in the mood.
Come on, Lennie.
This is a lovely cup of tea you made me.
Come on.
Nicest cup of tea you've ever made me, this is.
Cos usually you stew it.
Never again will I make you a cup of tea or fry you an egg or nothing.
Fried me an egg, have you? No.
Well, could you poach it? I've gone off fried eggs.
You make it almost impossible for me to be nice to you, you do.
I'm sorry, Len.
I'm sorry.
All right.
I'll behave.
You just sit down, get it off your chest.
Come on.
LookI may not be the most desirable of son-in-laws True.
Wey! Fact remains, I am marrying your daughter on Saturday, and Ingrid and I have been at loggerheads about your role at this wedding, because as father of the bride, you should be giving her away.
Who else? No-one else.
No-one else.
Just that we've got a bit of a problem.
How can you be in two places at once? What do you know? Who have you been talking to? Nobody.
Only Ingrid.
Well, what do you mean by that, then? Well, only that .
.
as well as giving her away, I would like you to be my best man.
Your best man? Yeah, see, I've got no friends of my own age, Fletch.
I mean, I used to have, but prison changed all that.
Half of them didn't want to know and the other half are still inside themselves.
Well, anyway, I said to myself, I said, "Lennie," I said, "who's been closest to you over the last year or so?" And the truth is, it's you, Fletch.
I mean, you got me through stir, didn't you? You've been me mate, my celly, my mentor.
Father figure in some ways.
Father-in-law soon to be.
I've always admired you, Fletch.
I always respected you in the nick, but .
.
nothing like I respect you now you're going straight.
I mean, it's been tough for you, Fletch, tougher for you than for me, because .
.
well, I'm younger than you and I've got Ingrid's love to sustain me.
But what you're doing now, well Well, anyway, what we thought was, with your say-so, was that if you accompanied Ingrid on your arm as father of the bride, and then, at the appropriate moment, changed over to my side with the ring in your pocket.
OK? Are you sure you haven't thought this up as some sort of economy measure? I know you're hung up about not paying your whack, but So would any father of the bride be like that.
If only you hadn't rushed headlong into things.
I mean, I could have dealt with it all if only you'd waited.
Five years.
Well, we know that, Fletch, but if you agree to what we say, your contribution to this wedding will be a ruddy sight more than paying some catering bill.
I see.
So, is it on, then? Yeah.
Don't see why not.
Great.
Well, I'll be off, then.
Lennie? Yeah? I'm not the saint you think I am, you know.
Well, none of us are, is we? I'm, uhI'mI'm glad you're marrying my daughter.
Pardon? I said I'm glad you're marrying my daughter.
I'm sorry, Fletch? I didn't quite catch it.
I'm glad you're bleeding marrying my daughter! Piddle off to Wallasey, will you? LENNIE CHUCKLES How's it going, then, Fletcher? You tell me, Dave.
I'm supposed to finish at 12:00.
It's quarter-to now.
Took longer to get through than they reckoned.
Through from where? The shop next door.
Apparently they had a problem with the alarm circuit and all.
I've had to feed the meter twice.
What do you want to do? Put in for expenses? No, no.
I'm just saying, that's all.
at this point, would it? MAN: 'Casablanca to Alpha Tango.
Over.
' Alpha Tango.
Over.
'Alpha Tango, this is Casablanca.
'We would estimate revised point of departure to be 1400 hours.
' 1400 hours? What's that in English? Two o'clock, innit? 'Relay this message to transport, please.
Over.
' Message received and understood.
Over and out.
I thought you said they've got planes to catch.
There's no point getting on the plane without the spondulicks, is there? Meticulous.
Go on, then.
Ring transport.
All right.
HE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY Morning, Fletch.
Oh! Hello, Sarge.
You're looking very spruce.
Yeah, I'm going to my daughter's wedding this morning, see? Nice day for it.
Yeah.
Where's she getting married? Muswell Hill.
Registry office, like.
Oh.
What are you doing in these parts, then? Um, II've, umI've come about the present, you see? What present? Thethe puppy.
Funny sort of present.
Yeah.
Well, uhwell, she's always wanted one.
I have to collect it at the last minute cos you can't hide a puppy like you can hide a tea service.
Know what I mean? Hmm.
Which one is it? Uh, it's, uh It's through the back.
They're giftwrapping him, like, you know.
Here, come to think of it, what are you doing around these parts? I always bring the wife shopping on Saturdays.
Oh.
Well, don't let me detain you.
BIRDS CHIRP PUPPY WHINES JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, 'you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, 'and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
' WOMAN: Can I help you, sir? Can I help you, sir? Hmm? Can I help you, sir? Uh, no.
No.
Only I can do that.
Count me out, Dave, right? You what? I'm off.
You can't do that.
I'm doing it.
Look, I'm not letting anybody down.
The job's nearly over.
I've been fairly superfluous anyhow.
You quit now, you don't get paid.
I don't care.
I don't want to get paid.
You can have my share.
I don't want a penny of it.
I'm off to my eldest's wedding.
BIRD CHIRPS PEOPLE CHATTER MAN CLEARS THROA Hello.
Hi.
You do have a best man? Uh, yeah.
He's coming.
And who's giving you away, Miss Fletcher? He's coming too.
They're coming together.
Oh.
Oh, here they are now.
BIRD CHIRPS Sorry I'm late, Your Honour.
Will the bride and groom please stand? This place in which we are now met .
.
I, Ingrid Rita Fletcher .
.
to witness that I, Ingrid Rita Fletcher .
.
do take thee, Leonard Arthur Godber .
.
do take thee, Leonard Arthur Godber .
.
to be my lawful wedded husband.
.
.
to be my lawful wed .
.
wedded husband.
Leonard Arthur Godber and Ingrid Rita Fletcher, you have both made the declarations prescribed by law, and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of the witnesses here assembled.
You are now man and wife together.
Well done, darling.
Will you now please be seated while the register is signed? MAN: 'Casablanca calling all points.
Casablanca calling all points.
' MAN SPEAKS URGENTLY ON RADIO RADIO FALLS SILEN The magistrate said, "Well, you only fined me five shillings.
" He said, "I know.
There's too much of this cycling without lights.
It's the second case this morning.
" HE LAUGHS Eh? What are you doing here? I thought you'd fluttered off on your honeymoon.
Plane was delayed.
Oh, warned you, didn't I? I warned you.
Where's Ingrid, then? Made her stay at home? Is it your night out, Saturdays, or what? She's in the ladies'.
Oh, yeah? We'll be away soon enough.
I found out where Lanzarote is.
Oh? Where's that? Canary Islands.
Where's that? I forgot to ask that.
Won't make much difference to you two, will it? Hey, speaking of canaries, why did you bring a caged bird to my wedding? I'll tell you if you don't tell Ingrid.
If you don't tell anyone at all, right? I received this proposition, you see? What, at your age? Not her! I'm talking about skulduggery.
Oh, Fletch! All right, let me finish.
I didn't go the distance.
I was in the pet shop, you see? What were you doing in there? I was in there.
Never mind.
I was in there.
And I saw all these animals, little hamsters and guinea pigs and birds and puppies, all behind bars, just like we was.
Just like we swore we'd never be again, Len, right? That's when I come to me senses.
So you didn't? No, no.
I'm clean - just.
Matter of fact, I think the boys got away with it.
I didn't see anything in the stop press.
It's ironical, that, innit? The perfect job is the one you opted out of.
Yeah.
Well, I don't give a rat's.
I'm well out of that.
I'm beginning to get a taste for freedom, and best bitter and all.
No, living without guilt - a lot to be said for that, you know.
Course, in my job, I'm living without a lot of other things and all, but there you are.
We're winning, Fletch.
We're winning.
Noses in front, son.
Yeah.
Here's Mrs Godber.
Ha ha! My husband and I.
HE SINGS "Here Comes The Bride" Lovely, innit, eh? Hey, what you going to do with that bird? As soon as you left, I'm going to ask her back to my place.
No, no.
Oh, I see.
Oh, the other bird.
Oh.
I've already done that.
Yeah, that's the reason I bought it.
I set it free in the garden.
Oh, symbolic act.
Yeah.
You saw you and me in that bird and you gave it that most precious Well, don't get carried away, Sonny Jim.
Two minutes later, that big cat from next door ate it.
# I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price and done the time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime.
#
# This way, gentlemen, please.
Now, Mrs Gilchrist, I want you just to walk along the line and if you recognise the man in question, point him out.
There is no need to speak.
Just point to him.
Right? You look relieved.
I beg your pardon? I do not! Yes, you do.
I heard your knees knocking.
Quiet, please.
I'm afraid not.
You're sure? Take your time.
I'm positive, Inspector.
As I told you, he had ginger hair - curly, ginger hair.
Might have been a wig.
Clutching at straws.
He wants an arrest.
He don't care who.
Quiet, please! Let 'em go.
Thank you for your cooperation, gentlemen.
Little choice, some of us.
Don't moan, Fletch.
You got a free cup of tea out of it, didn't you? I'm not looking for a hand-out, am I? Look, why do you harass us old lags, eh? It's not harassment, Fletch.
Just that you've got a villainous face.
Gives our line-up the right sort of tone.
You don't recognise me, do you? Dave Pybus.
Used to use your local in the old days.
Hand and Flower.
When Alf Tonks was there.
Oh, Alf, yeah.
Sorry, I still don't You know my brother.
Eric 'Clapper' Pybus.
Oh, Clapper! Yeah, Clapper.
That rings a bell.
So, how is he, then? Clapper? Yeah.
Oh, going like 'em, ain't he? Going like 'em? The clappers.
HE CHUCKLES He's doing very nicely, is Eric.
He's got a big house up at Harrow on the Hill.
Georgian style, with a full-sized billiard table, sauna bath - the works.
He does very nicely.
And he's never been done, you know.
He's got no form.
How about yourself? Oh, I had a bit of a setback a couple of years ago.
Yeah, well, we all have a few of them, don't we? Been out long, have you? Not long, no.
No.
How's it going? Oh, very well.
Very well.
I've got a house.
Muswell on the Hill.
Yeah.
Mine's Georgian.
In my case, George V.
No sauna bath, but we've got a little shed at the bottom of the garden that houses a couple of cycles and a wringer.
I know what it's like, my old mate.
Do you? To look at you, Dave, I wouldn't say you was exactly on your uppers.
Eh? I mean, that whistle, the car you drove us here in.
Automatic, two-tone, real leather upholstery, wing mirrors.
Oh, I'm thinking of changing it.
Well, it's coming up to 20,000.
My bloke, what puts the spanners to it, he says, "Dave, best do it now before something big goes, like the gearbox.
" Yes, I know what you mean.
I have the same problem with my bike.
I've got to trade that in before the bell drops off.
Here, Fletch, listen.
It might be quite fortuitous, bumping into you like this.
Oh, yeah? Well, it might be that I'm in a position to, uh, help you out.
Oh, yes? Might be that I could put something your way.
Put what my way? Why should you do me any favours, David? It's not a question of favours, is it? You're a gem bloke, Fletch.
Hard to come by - solid reputation.
I know people who value integrity.
I should tell you before you go any further that I am going straight.
Of course you are.
That's clearly understood.
What also should be clearly understood - anything put my way will not be considered unless strictly within the letter of the law.
What sort of person do you think I am? A crooked sort of a person.
The sort of person my parole officer tells me to avoid.
Depends on how you define 'crooked'.
There's crooked and crooked.
Yeah, well, you're both kinds, ain't you? I run a legitimate business now.
We manufacture party novelties - paper hats, jokes All right, yes.
All right.
I appreciate the offer, and the drinks, of course.
But I am keeping my nose clean - not for myself, for my family.
My daughter's getting married in a couple of weeks.
You'll need some readies for that.
Got anything going? Oh, yeah.
Got lots of things going.
Oh, yes, yes.
Matter of fact, I'm thinking of transferring all my assets to an offshore tax haven in Bermuda.
Huh? Yeah.
On the other hand, bearing in mind all the political unrest in the Caribbean, I think, probably, in the long run, it would be better to leave it where it is - in the piggy bank on the mantelpiece.
Blimey, Fletch.
You nearly had me going there.
Here, look.
Tell you what.
Think about it.
Change your mind, there's where you can contact me.
Oh, yeah.
Here you are.
Here's where you can contact me.
Muswell Hill probation office? That's right, yeah.
Any Tuesday and Friday, call in, 10 o'clock sharp, cos I'm an F, see? You'll see me standing in line with all the other poor Fs.
Hello, love.
You had a sleep? Yeah.
You should have woke me.
Oh, I couldn't bring myself to.
You look ever so sweet when you're asleep.
You look about six years old.
HE CHUCKLES I feel a bit older than that when I wake up, though.
Oh, don't! You'll mess up my pattern.
I'm halfway through the bodice.
Ooh, it's a nice word, that - 'bodice'.
"And with his teeth, he loosened the strap of her pink bodice.
" HE GROWLS Oh, bodice.
HE GROWLS SHE GIGGLES Oh, my Gawd.
Feeding time again, is it? Hello, Fletch.
Hello, Dad.
My presence in this house adds a bit of spice to your courtship, dunnit? Eh? A hint of the illicit, know what I mean? Cos you never know when I'll walk in, do you? When you're married and it's all above board, your sex life will fizzle out.
Nothing will change, cos we'll still be living here.
What? Till we find a decent place.
Oh, I see.
And you'll be just as irritable when you come through the door.
It is usual for people to put aside a bit of cash before they rush into marriage, so they're not a burden on their in-laws.
Oh, come on, Dad.
You'd hate it if I left.
Who'd look after you then? Not Raymond, that's for sure.
Yeah, nothing will change.
I'll still be on the road most of the time and for half the week you'll be able to treat this house as if it was your own.
Oh, that'll make a change! You are nice to me, aren't you, Len? Very nice indeed.
Oh, don't sit down there, Dad! There's pins all over the place.
Wedding dress, is it? Going-away outfit.
Oh, going-away outfit.
Would you make him one? I'd like him to go away as soon as possible.
Where are you going, anyhow? Oh, I can never pronounce it.
What's it called, Len? Lanzarote.
That's it.
Lanzarote.
Lanzarote? Where the hell's that? Well, we're not quite sure cos we can't find it on the map.
HE CHUCKLES But it's out-of-the-ordinary, you know? Not too touristy.
It's volcanic.
Oh, that'll be nice, won't it? That'll get you out of bed in the morning.
Don't be daft, Dad! It's dormant.
All volcanoes is dormant, ain't they? Until that terrible night when they suddenly erupt.
Cover everyone in molten rock and flying sherbet.
He could be right, Lennie.
You never know.
No, don't listen.
If there was any danger, it wouldn't be a "fast-growing holiday centre," as described in the brochure.
I don't know why you pick a place you can't pronounce, can't find on a map and is covered in volcanoes.
Because it's cheap.
We're getting a special deal from Marion's boyfriend.
Him what's got the travel agency.
Him?! He's the bloke who left a planeload of Welshmen stranded in Morocco, isn't he? None of whom have ever been heard of since.
They're probably all still there, singing away.
Keeping a welcome in the wadies.
Leave it off, Dad! There's no need to put the mockers on this wedding.
I am just interested in your finances, that's all.
Who's paying for all this? I'll tell you.
I've told you about the honeymoon - that's courtesy of Marion .
.
indirectly.
My wedding outfit's courtesy of the girls at the salon, cos they had a whip round, and Len's mum's brother - his uncle Bertram - is donating the cake.
Cos he's a baker.
And, uh, we're doing it in the registry office, to save the expense of a church.
Oh, yeah? What about the reception? You'll need a hall, caterers, won't you? And loads of booze, knowing our lot.
Not to mention the hordes of Godbers who'll come out of the woodwork.
Who's going to pay for all that? Have you seen my thimble anywhere, Len? I said, who's going to pay for all that? Have I dropped it somewhere? Is it on the floor, love? Never mind hunt the thimble! Let us discuss this, shall we? Now, listen - you know my situ Would you mind pointing the other end at me when I'm talking to you? You know my situation, but you are my daughter, which makes me the father of the bride.
As such, I intend to do my best.
Much as Spencer Tracy did in the film of the same name.
You know I can't run to the Dorchester, but I've had a word with old Ernie Lax - him who keeps the Lamb and Flag.
He says we can have their back room.
We can take the boards off the windows and air it out a bit.
Get some folding chairs, maybe put a big double sheet over the billiard table, like a tablecloth, see? Dad, that's very sweet of you, butuh Well, we can't have it here, girl, can we? There's no room here.
I know, I know - Dave Greener's garage.
That's the place.
That's good.
It's all been taken care of, Dad.
You can dance there, can't you? # If you change your mind, honey, I'm still free # I said it's all been taken care of.
Uh, I'll see if your thimble's in the kitchen, Ingrid.
You stay here, you.
Taken care of? How? Well, you know the old manor house up near Stanmore? Yeah.
Well, it's going to be there, in the Gilbert and Sullivan room.
You can't afford that! It's booked and paid for.
Who by? Well, uhMum was over Tuesday, see? Uhyou know, discussing this and that.
Oh, she was sorry to miss you, but I think you was down the probation office.
Yes, yes, yes.
Anyway, she said this was a present from her and, uh .
.
Reg.
What? You're not taking anything from Reg Jessop.
He's not family.
He's merely the bloke who shacked up with your mother.
Well, that makes him a sort of You shut up! It don't make him nothing.
Apart from exhausted.
I've known Reg for years, Dad.
He's almost like an uncle.
Besides, it's Mum's present.
It's just that it's him who's got the Go on.
Go on, say it - money.
Money, money, money, money.
You think of nobody but yourselves, you two.
Well, it is our wedding.
It's just that we know your circumstances.
We know, at this point in time, you haven't got the wherewithal.
Believe me, Fletch, if you had anything at all, Ingrid and me would be only too pleased to take it.
Well, that's nice, innit? I didn't mean it like that.
RADIO PLAYS 'Money, Money, Money' by Abba.
MUSIC STOPS Shut up.
Money, money, money.
Fletch? Oh, hello, Dave.
Thanks for coming over.
Sorry I'm late.
I only got your message an hour ago.
The wife rang me.
I was at the White City.
Oh, yeah.
Who was it I spoke to on the phone, then? That would have been the wife.
Oh, really? She's got a deep voice, ain't she? A fella? Yeah.
Round my house? Yeah.
Answering my telephone? Yeah.
Oh! Probably her brother.
Yeah.
West Country accent.
More your West Indian.
Whatround my house? Yeah.
Oh, dear.
I've obviously opened a complete new can of peas.
Or in your case, mangoes.
No, there is obviously a perfectly simple explanation why there should be a big West Indian round your wife at 9 o'clock this evening.
Like what? Well, I don't know.
I don't know your wife, do I? I didn't know you had a wife till I spoke to her loverer, the bloke who, er .
.
who was doing what he was doing there.
I'll sort that out later.
I think you'd better, Dave.
Sooner the better.
Well, obviously that's not why I asked you round.
Of course it isn't.
I suppose you can guess why I did ask you round? Well, I put two and two together.
Yeah, yeah.
Much as that West Indian was doing with your wife, I should think.
Oi! Just a joke, just a joke! So, what are the details of this assignment, then? It's all right to talk here, is it? Yeah.
Safe as houses here.
This is what you do, is it? Night porter.
Pro tem, pro tem, yes.
I see why you had second thoughts.
You can't be making much at this.
I haven't said I'm having second thoughts, Dave.
I want more details first.
What is my function in this caper? Just peripheral.
Uh, is that the word? Well, it is A word, certainly, yes.
What does it mean? What I mean is, on the fringe.
Lookout, like.
Listen, I'm having no truck with violence.
Understood? I never have and I never will.
If you're going armed or about to break heads, count me out.
You make a lot of demands for a night porter.
I've told you, I'm not that desperate.
I just need a few readies for theyou know.
Oh, put your mind at rest, my son.
There'll be none of that.
These lads are a 24-carat bunch.
Oh.
That's a big bunch of carrots, innit? They're not desperate either.
This has been planned meticulous.
It's the ace job.
Every job I've ever done is the ace job.
Well, this is.
And for doing next to naff all, there's 500 quid in it for you.
500 quid? HE EXHALES When is it? Saturday week.
Oh, Saturday week.
Well, that's that.
That's put the tin hat on that.
Why? Well, my daughter's getting married Saturday week.
Oh, dear.
What time? Two o'clock.
Oh, well, you're all right, then.
We'll be through by noon.
Noon? Guaranteed.
It's too dodgy.
No, honest.
Has to be.
Some of these lads have planes to catch.
Planes?! I told you, Fletch.
It's big.
I mean, I'm not talking about you and me, but for the top echelon, like, these lads is off away to sunnier climes.
They're going to be tax exiles.
Like Rod Stewart and the Rolling Stones.
Funny.
They made their money out of daylight robbery and all, didn't they? All right.
Fletch? Fletch? HE MURMURS Yes, Mr Mackay.
I'm just getting up, yes.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's you.
What do you want? Sorry.
HE CHUCKLES Sorry? What about? For waking you.
Oh.
You woke me up to tell me you're sorry for waking me, did you? No, I had to.
I've got to go to Wallasey.
Oh, I see.
You woke me up to tell me you were driving that great big heap of scrap to Wallasey.
I brought you a mug of tea.
Listen.
If your battery's flat and you want a push, forget it.
I haven't got me elephant with me.
No, I had to talk to you, Fletch, and with all this overtime I'm doing I won't get a chance to talk to you before the wedding.
Talk? What about? The wedding.
Oh! Calling it off, are you? Got cold feet, have you? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You don't think I can make Ingrid happy, do you? Well, I can.
I can make her happy.
Happy? What is happy? "Happiness is a warm truck driver"? Is that it? You don't think I'm good enough for Ingrid.
Never have done.
Well, you're not.
I suppose you saw her marrying some sort of bloke with a nice accent and a hacking jacket and a cravat.
Bit like Dirk Bogarde when he was in Doctor In The House.
Don't get stroppy with me.
You know what I'm like first thing in the morning.
I'll thump you.
Is this sugared? Course it's sugared.
Two and a half.
Think I don't know how to make your tea? Number of cups I made for you in the nick, waiting on you.
Oh, hark at her! What are you getting so grumpy about? Because you get up my goat, you do.
Wrong.
Pardon? I get your goat.
I don't get UP your goat! I get up your nose.
Or on your wick.
You do all three.
I'm off.
Come here.
You haven't told me yet, have you? I'm not going to now.
I'm not in the mood.
Come on, Lennie.
This is a lovely cup of tea you made me.
Come on.
Nicest cup of tea you've ever made me, this is.
Cos usually you stew it.
Never again will I make you a cup of tea or fry you an egg or nothing.
Fried me an egg, have you? No.
Well, could you poach it? I've gone off fried eggs.
You make it almost impossible for me to be nice to you, you do.
I'm sorry, Len.
I'm sorry.
All right.
I'll behave.
You just sit down, get it off your chest.
Come on.
LookI may not be the most desirable of son-in-laws True.
Wey! Fact remains, I am marrying your daughter on Saturday, and Ingrid and I have been at loggerheads about your role at this wedding, because as father of the bride, you should be giving her away.
Who else? No-one else.
No-one else.
Just that we've got a bit of a problem.
How can you be in two places at once? What do you know? Who have you been talking to? Nobody.
Only Ingrid.
Well, what do you mean by that, then? Well, only that .
.
as well as giving her away, I would like you to be my best man.
Your best man? Yeah, see, I've got no friends of my own age, Fletch.
I mean, I used to have, but prison changed all that.
Half of them didn't want to know and the other half are still inside themselves.
Well, anyway, I said to myself, I said, "Lennie," I said, "who's been closest to you over the last year or so?" And the truth is, it's you, Fletch.
I mean, you got me through stir, didn't you? You've been me mate, my celly, my mentor.
Father figure in some ways.
Father-in-law soon to be.
I've always admired you, Fletch.
I always respected you in the nick, but .
.
nothing like I respect you now you're going straight.
I mean, it's been tough for you, Fletch, tougher for you than for me, because .
.
well, I'm younger than you and I've got Ingrid's love to sustain me.
But what you're doing now, well Well, anyway, what we thought was, with your say-so, was that if you accompanied Ingrid on your arm as father of the bride, and then, at the appropriate moment, changed over to my side with the ring in your pocket.
OK? Are you sure you haven't thought this up as some sort of economy measure? I know you're hung up about not paying your whack, but So would any father of the bride be like that.
If only you hadn't rushed headlong into things.
I mean, I could have dealt with it all if only you'd waited.
Five years.
Well, we know that, Fletch, but if you agree to what we say, your contribution to this wedding will be a ruddy sight more than paying some catering bill.
I see.
So, is it on, then? Yeah.
Don't see why not.
Great.
Well, I'll be off, then.
Lennie? Yeah? I'm not the saint you think I am, you know.
Well, none of us are, is we? I'm, uhI'mI'm glad you're marrying my daughter.
Pardon? I said I'm glad you're marrying my daughter.
I'm sorry, Fletch? I didn't quite catch it.
I'm glad you're bleeding marrying my daughter! Piddle off to Wallasey, will you? LENNIE CHUCKLES How's it going, then, Fletcher? You tell me, Dave.
I'm supposed to finish at 12:00.
It's quarter-to now.
Took longer to get through than they reckoned.
Through from where? The shop next door.
Apparently they had a problem with the alarm circuit and all.
I've had to feed the meter twice.
What do you want to do? Put in for expenses? No, no.
I'm just saying, that's all.
at this point, would it? MAN: 'Casablanca to Alpha Tango.
Over.
' Alpha Tango.
Over.
'Alpha Tango, this is Casablanca.
'We would estimate revised point of departure to be 1400 hours.
' 1400 hours? What's that in English? Two o'clock, innit? 'Relay this message to transport, please.
Over.
' Message received and understood.
Over and out.
I thought you said they've got planes to catch.
There's no point getting on the plane without the spondulicks, is there? Meticulous.
Go on, then.
Ring transport.
All right.
HE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY Morning, Fletch.
Oh! Hello, Sarge.
You're looking very spruce.
Yeah, I'm going to my daughter's wedding this morning, see? Nice day for it.
Yeah.
Where's she getting married? Muswell Hill.
Registry office, like.
Oh.
What are you doing in these parts, then? Um, II've, umI've come about the present, you see? What present? Thethe puppy.
Funny sort of present.
Yeah.
Well, uhwell, she's always wanted one.
I have to collect it at the last minute cos you can't hide a puppy like you can hide a tea service.
Know what I mean? Hmm.
Which one is it? Uh, it's, uh It's through the back.
They're giftwrapping him, like, you know.
Here, come to think of it, what are you doing around these parts? I always bring the wife shopping on Saturdays.
Oh.
Well, don't let me detain you.
BIRDS CHIRP PUPPY WHINES JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, 'you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, 'and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
' WOMAN: Can I help you, sir? Can I help you, sir? Hmm? Can I help you, sir? Uh, no.
No.
Only I can do that.
Count me out, Dave, right? You what? I'm off.
You can't do that.
I'm doing it.
Look, I'm not letting anybody down.
The job's nearly over.
I've been fairly superfluous anyhow.
You quit now, you don't get paid.
I don't care.
I don't want to get paid.
You can have my share.
I don't want a penny of it.
I'm off to my eldest's wedding.
BIRD CHIRPS PEOPLE CHATTER MAN CLEARS THROA Hello.
Hi.
You do have a best man? Uh, yeah.
He's coming.
And who's giving you away, Miss Fletcher? He's coming too.
They're coming together.
Oh.
Oh, here they are now.
BIRD CHIRPS Sorry I'm late, Your Honour.
Will the bride and groom please stand? This place in which we are now met .
.
I, Ingrid Rita Fletcher .
.
to witness that I, Ingrid Rita Fletcher .
.
do take thee, Leonard Arthur Godber .
.
do take thee, Leonard Arthur Godber .
.
to be my lawful wedded husband.
.
.
to be my lawful wed .
.
wedded husband.
Leonard Arthur Godber and Ingrid Rita Fletcher, you have both made the declarations prescribed by law, and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of the witnesses here assembled.
You are now man and wife together.
Well done, darling.
Will you now please be seated while the register is signed? MAN: 'Casablanca calling all points.
Casablanca calling all points.
' MAN SPEAKS URGENTLY ON RADIO RADIO FALLS SILEN The magistrate said, "Well, you only fined me five shillings.
" He said, "I know.
There's too much of this cycling without lights.
It's the second case this morning.
" HE LAUGHS Eh? What are you doing here? I thought you'd fluttered off on your honeymoon.
Plane was delayed.
Oh, warned you, didn't I? I warned you.
Where's Ingrid, then? Made her stay at home? Is it your night out, Saturdays, or what? She's in the ladies'.
Oh, yeah? We'll be away soon enough.
I found out where Lanzarote is.
Oh? Where's that? Canary Islands.
Where's that? I forgot to ask that.
Won't make much difference to you two, will it? Hey, speaking of canaries, why did you bring a caged bird to my wedding? I'll tell you if you don't tell Ingrid.
If you don't tell anyone at all, right? I received this proposition, you see? What, at your age? Not her! I'm talking about skulduggery.
Oh, Fletch! All right, let me finish.
I didn't go the distance.
I was in the pet shop, you see? What were you doing in there? I was in there.
Never mind.
I was in there.
And I saw all these animals, little hamsters and guinea pigs and birds and puppies, all behind bars, just like we was.
Just like we swore we'd never be again, Len, right? That's when I come to me senses.
So you didn't? No, no.
I'm clean - just.
Matter of fact, I think the boys got away with it.
I didn't see anything in the stop press.
It's ironical, that, innit? The perfect job is the one you opted out of.
Yeah.
Well, I don't give a rat's.
I'm well out of that.
I'm beginning to get a taste for freedom, and best bitter and all.
No, living without guilt - a lot to be said for that, you know.
Course, in my job, I'm living without a lot of other things and all, but there you are.
We're winning, Fletch.
We're winning.
Noses in front, son.
Yeah.
Here's Mrs Godber.
Ha ha! My husband and I.
HE SINGS "Here Comes The Bride" Lovely, innit, eh? Hey, what you going to do with that bird? As soon as you left, I'm going to ask her back to my place.
No, no.
Oh, I see.
Oh, the other bird.
Oh.
I've already done that.
Yeah, that's the reason I bought it.
I set it free in the garden.
Oh, symbolic act.
Yeah.
You saw you and me in that bird and you gave it that most precious Well, don't get carried away, Sonny Jim.
Two minutes later, that big cat from next door ate it.
# I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price and done the time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime.
#