Good Behavior (2016) s02e03 Episode Script
Because I'm Mrs. Claus
1 LETTY: So, you were going to kill someone? JAVIER: Yes.
And it was a trap.
He was another hit man there to kill me.
Get rid of this body.
Now.
Take it to what's his name Silk.
The funeral home.
I really do need to find your daughter.
I've told you, I don't know where she is.
We're gonna find this guy, and he's not gonna get away this time.
I'm here to schedule my son's interview.
Monday at 2:00.
If the interview goes well, we'll need this.
I told you I have that money covered.
No.
I will get the money.
By murdering somebody? I saw Emile arguing with one of those college guys in the woods.
And the guy jumped off a cliff.
MAN: Bryce! Those guys are looking for their friend Bryce.
Do you know where he is? No idea.
Apple saw you in the woods.
I don't know what Apple saw, but, uh yes.
I was in the woods last night with one of those guys.
Why? I was getting wood for the fire with him.
What did Apple tell you she saw exactly? She was peeing in the woods.
When she came back, she told me she saw Javier and a guy arguing.
Then the guy jumped off a cliff, and Javier just stood there.
Is Apple crazy or was she drunk? Drunk.
She stole a beer.
She drank the whole thing.
I told her she couldn't have seen that and it was because she was drunk.
Obviously.
But then, just now, those guys were looking for their friend Bryce.
So? You know Javier.
He obviously wouldn't just watch a guy walk off a cliff and do nothing about it.
He's not a psychopath.
JACOB: Do you have bad people from your past like Mom does? Everybody has bad people in their past.
Yeah, but this is a really nice car.
How did you afford it if you're just a cook? Did you used to do other stuff? - Actually - You mean like the stuff I did? Yeah.
Is that how you met? No.
Where are you going with this? You think that maybe Javier was arguing with a bad guy from his past? Yeah.
A 20-year-old college dude named Bryce? I don't know how old he was.
And as soon as he found Javier, he walked off a cliff and killed himself? Yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.
No.
And also, the guy I got firewood with, his name wasn't Bryce.
It was Daniel.
Oh.
Yeah.
It is good that you asked these questions, though.
You should always ask questions if you can't find the answer yourself.
Yeah.
Hard time forgiving Even harder forgetting Before you do something You might regret, friend Bricks are caving in Oh, how sweet this sin I left you the keys You won't let me in Hard time forgiving Even harder forgetting Before you do something [CHIMES CLINKING.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hi.
A list of books he'll need, our honor code, and a parents' manual.
S-So you're letting him in? He got in? He can start as soon as we return from the holiday break.
I know we're probably not the only school you're looking at, but we really hope you'll choose Cedarwood.
You got in! You got in! So, I'll take that as a "yes"? Yes! Yes! Uh Oh.
Here.
Okay.
We'll see you in the new year, Michael.
[LAUGHS.]
Can we get all the books now? We could.
But it might make us late to drop you off with your dad.
Oh.
You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to.
Yes, I do.
He gets Christmas for a week.
I know.
But if you don't want to be with him, if you want to come on a trip with me and Javier and Nana and Rob I want to be with him.
Okay.
Good.
That's good.
I'll get all the books while you're away.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Ho ho ho.
Gracias.
Ah.
How many phone books do you need to fill Yankee Stadium? They asked that in your interview? Millions.
One.
Then, you call all the people in it and make them come to the stadium.
You can't make them come to the stadium.
It was the right answer.
How'd you know? I Googled "stupid interview questions.
" Oh.
Smart.
We're very proud of you, Jacob.
It is not easy to get into such a good school.
Maybe you can give me the list of books and I can get them with Sean.
I told you I would get them.
I know, but if Sean can get them when I'm at his house, then I'll have a week to start reading and get ahead.
Ahead of what? Ooh.
Can we get a dog? - No.
- No.
But hey.
You can have this.
Don't open it until Christmas morning.
Thanks, Javier.
Actually, it's from the both of us.
It says "To Jacob, From Javier.
" [HORN HONKS.]
ROB: I missed you, dude! Oh, I wish you were coming on our trip! - Missed you, too.
- Where's Javier? We dropped him off at the movies.
Fucking Christmas.
Rob, inside.
Hey.
Jacob, come on.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Dad.
Ah.
Hey, Jacob, I want you to meet Bethenny.
She's my, uh She's gonna be my wife.
BETHENNY: Oh, you are even more handsome in person than you are in your pictures.
And your daddy has so many pictures of you on his phone.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Letty.
Hi.
I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity.
The trials that God has presented you, the things He's carried you through and shown you? I mean, I know this is ugly, but I'm so jealous of your relationship with Him.
Nothing to be jealous of, really.
Well, He has obviously chosen you.
I mean, after everything He put you through, you are standing there, so alive and beautiful.
[SNEEZES.]
- Oh.
- Bless you.
Thank you.
I'm allergic to everything.
Jacob.
You didn't tell me about Bethenny.
You don't tell me anything.
Do I ask? Jacob has a list of books he needs for school.
It would be great if you could get them.
Isn't that your job? I don't know.
But he wants to get them with you.
Hey, you ready, Jacob? Jacob.
Oh.
I love you, baby.
- I love you, too.
- See you in a week.
Bye, Mom.
Love you.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
ESTELLE: Why did Javier go to the movies? He didn't want to see Sean.
Well, I didn't want to see Sean, either.
Birch Mountain Resort and Spa, here we come! Ooh ooh! Ooh ooh! [LAUGHS.]
It's five stars, Letty.
You're gonna love it.
And it's all on me.
What? No, Rob, you're not paying.
Already done.
Already done.
And I got us adjoining rooms, which is good for Christmas but bad for other things.
[HORN HONKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
But one thing you'd never guess about me I-I'm super quiet during sex.
I'm not so quiet.
Oh, I know.
Thanks, Rob.
I've never really been on a vacation.
What are you talking about? Most of your life's been a vacation.
Come on.
Let's get Jav and hit the road! Rob, you go get Javier.
I'll ride with Letty.
- Why? - Go, Rob.
We'll be right behind you.
[VEHICLE DEPARTS.]
[SIGHS.]
What? Just talk.
That FBI woman came asking questions.
What did she want? She didn't say.
She just wanted to know where you were, which I didn't tell her because I didn't know.
Good.
Why does she want to find you, Letty? - I don't know.
- I think you probably do.
And I think it's a fair question considering you're with my grandson.
She's not looking for me.
She's looking for Javier.
It's why he's at the movies in case the FBI were here, waiting for him.
What? Remember the drug dealer I had to rat out to get custody of Jacob? It was Javier.
But he doesn't do it anymore.
I can't picture him ever doing that.
I know.
He's never done a single drug himself.
He's the one who keeps me in line.
And he's the reason I have Jacob, so I'm helping him hide.
Okay? Okay.
[RAPPING.]
That was me in BK on Atlantic Never looked both ways, ran in traffic Pops went away, but I stayed, vagrant Placed where the steel and cement became nature - Holy shit, Rob.
- Thank you.
I'll go get us checked in.
And the dreamers are bull trapped in porcelain Don't get any ideas.
I can have ideas.
I mean about stealing.
I know that's what you mean.
Do you really think I'm gonna walk out of here with an 800-pound couch? You would figure out a way.
I would.
But I was thinking, I just want a house that looks like this.
Oh, by the way, thanks for including me in that gift for Jacob.
I thought you would get him something yourself.
I thought getting him into private school - was a pretty nice gift.
- Kids want to unwrap things.
Private school is all he wanted.
Just because he wanted one thing doesn't mean he doesn't want more things.
Of all people, I'm sure you can understand that.
[SCOFFS.]
ESTELLE: What are you two fighting about? Nah, we're not fighting.
Yes, we are.
You can't just end arguments without me.
Why is that guy staring at us? ["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS ON PIANO.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
What's wrong? I think he might be here to kill me.
What would make you think that? It's just a feeling.
He was probably looking at your ass.
ROB: 408 and 409.
Back to back! Double penetration! [LAUGHS.]
Uh-oh! 409! Where you gonna end up? Ah! Just give Letty the other key for 409.
Thank you.
Hey, can I give you a piece of relationship advice? - No.
- If you really like Javier, don't pick on him for stupid shit.
The only thing you can really change about a man is his hair.
I like his hair.
What are you doing? Looking for that guy.
He's gone.
Are you gonna be like this the whole time? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- WOMAN: U.
P.
S.
! Aw! You've already been here today! - [BOOK SLAMS.]
- Ugh.
[GLASS THUDS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Not funny.
- I decide what's funny.
- [GROANS.]
You yelling at an innocent U.
P.
S.
delivery person is hilarious.
Why are you having all your packages delivered here? You have your own house.
Yes, I do.
But you're in yours all day while I'm out in the field working.
I'm not your doorman.
Oh, don't cry.
Why don't you just take your packages and go.
Please.
Why do you think I'm here? But you're coming with.
You're gonna help.
- I'm not helping - Accurate! You haven't done a single thing to help me find Javier.
So, this is how you're gonna help.
- Let's go.
- No, I'm not going anywhere! [BOXES THUD.]
Are you agoraphobic? No.
Big Christmas plans? [SIGHS.]
No.
Is there a hooker coming over? What? No.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, then, what's your problem, dude? I'm taking you to my cabin in the woods for a holiday retreat.
It's very quaint.
It's very cute.
We will assemble the plastic, pre-lit Christmas tree currently suffocating in one of those boxes.
In the rest of these boxes are presents, which we will wrap and unwrap.
Maybe we'll drink hot cider if I have any of those little packets left over from last year.
W-Why didn't you just tell me? Because I like surprises.
I don't.
- Boo! - Aah! [REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAP CLACKS.]
[SIGHS.]
JAVIER: That was fast.
I'm on vacation.
And you need to take longer showers.
[SIGHS.]
You also need to relax.
You're on vacation, too.
Here.
I mean, if you did something else, if you were like I don't know a neurologist or something, you wouldn't have to worry about people trying to kill you all the time.
- Yeah, I have been hired to kill neurologists.
- You know what I mean.
And we wouldn't have to gaslight Jacob.
- What? - It's when you manipulate someone into thinking they're the crazy one.
We did not make him think he was crazy.
We kind of did.
So, what are you gonna do the next time? And the next time? I thought we were on vacation.
Don't open these yet, but a Christmas tree with no presents under it is a sad sight.
Dinner downstairs at 7:00.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[JAVIER SIGHS.]
What's wrong? I miss my family.
They miss you.
[GLASS THUDS.]
[JAVIER SIGHS.]
You don't have to leave this thing parked at the office? What? No.
I own this.
Like, with the TVs and everything? You expect me to drive the basic shit car the FBI gives us? [CHUCKLES.]
Don't answer that.
It makes sense that you would think that.
And you own this cabin, too? What are you, some kind of gold digger? [CORK POPS.]
Say it again.
- Buenos Aires.
- Say it again.
- Buenos Aires.
- Again.
[CHUCKLES.]
ROB: Hey, that's the most expensive one, right? SERVER: Yes, it is.
Rob, how well are your grasshoppers doing? You mean my sperm? No.
I mean Rob's Grasshoppers.
Oh! Really well.
I had my best year this year.
Out of how many years? Nine.
- Seriously? - That's not so much.
I mean, we finished high school 15 years ago.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean, I know you didn't graduate I got it.
You know why this year has really been so great? God damn it, I'm gonna make a toast.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
The last Christmas I spent with my family, my Uncle Dale got so drunk, he threw my Aunt Georgina through a plate-glass window.
A-And that was before my sister announced that she was pregnant even though her husband got his balls snipped the year before, which is when things got really ugly, let me tell you.
So, I can say that, having you guys as my new family is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
I mean, the only thing better was the day that Estelle said "yes.
" Estelle, you've made me the luckiest man alive, and I still get a boner every time you walk into a room.
And even though y'all aren't married, I consider you my daughter and son-in-law.
Letty, you gave me a grandson, and Jacob is the coolest boy in the world.
And Javier, you gave me a whole car.
The McDanielses are a bunch of dick-wad alcoholics who never gave me a single Goddamn thing except a shitty reputation.
So, I couldn't be happier right now.
I mean, we're all here together.
And we're having a family spa day on Thursday.
[LAUGHS.]
So, let's all raise a glass to family.
- To family.
- To family.
A la familia.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
What's that mean, Javier? "To family.
" Oh.
Cool.
You got a big family? I do, yeah.
They're also a bunch of assholes.
No, they're not.
It is really just my father who's the asshole.
Well, who cares about your dad? You got me now.
Rob, you deal with the check while me and Javier get a table in the bar for a nightcap.
We can all just go together.
I don't see a check.
Do you see a check? I'll stay with Rob.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
We obviously have to wait for the check.
No, you don't.
They don't do checks here.
You just get up.
What are you talking about? It's all-inclusive.
Um, no, it's not.
Uh, yeah, it is.
Why would you think that? These places always are.
No, they're not.
Every vacation I've ever been on is all-inclusive.
This is a five-star hotel.
- So is Club Med.
- No, it's not.
Jesus, Rob It was weird that they didn't give us any beads or drink vouchers when we checked in.
Between the rooms and meals and drinks for five nights, plus spa treatments, it's gonna be at least 10 or 12 grand.
- What? - Here you are.
Oh, my God.
The limit on my card is $4,000.
I don't I don't have that kind of money.
I mean, I'm I'm gonna have to sell the new Rob's Grasshoppers vans, and I'm I'm not gonna be able to pay my fair share of the house.
Your mom is gonna kill me.
I mean I really think she might leave me.
What am I gonna do, Letty? Tell me what to do.
Don't worry.
I'll figure something out.
I can see you make Letty happy.
Do you think you'll be able to keep on making her happy? I will try.
Well, she's no day at the beach.
Yeah.
Yeah, we live at the beach.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
It's a saying.
It means she's not easy to live with.
Oh.
Well, neither am I.
Oh, my God, there's that guy again.
Holy shit.
I know who that is.
- You do? - Oh, my God.
I can't.
Estelle, who is it? His name is Luke.
He was one of my phone-sex clients.
I knew he wasn't right in the head from the first time he called me over a year ago.
He said he wanted to do twisted, violent shit to me, and I told him not to call back, but - Did you tell Rob? - Are you kidding? He'd kill the guy and then get caught and end up in jail for the rest of his life.
How do you know this guy is that Luke guy? Well, that's how he said he looked 6'3", dark hair, with that rose tattoo.
That could be a lot of guys.
And who's been stalking me since I got here? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I will take care of it.
No.
It's not your problem.
You're family.
I will take care of it.
Who, me? I is di queen Queen - Yeah, me bad - Yeah, me bad Just like machine gun Qui moi? Je suis la reine La reine Je suis forte Ca c'est certain Délicieux Comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes, comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes Délicieux Comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes, comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes There you are.
With all that champagne, I had to pee for, like, 10 hours.
Keep your morning open.
What? What are you talking about? Trust me.
I've done this a few thousand times.
Stole from Santa? No.
From real people.
Oh.
Good.
JAVIER: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? You've been following me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Since we checked in, I have caught you watching me twice.
This is what I do for a living, so I know what you're doing.
Well, what am I doing? Watching me.
Or watching my mother-in-law.
Watching people isn't against the law.
If you are stalking them, then, yes, it is against the law.
You need to relax.
You need to go away.
I'm a guest at this hotel.
I'll do whatever I want.
Please don't kill a random phone-sex guy in this hotel.
He might not be a random phone-sex guy.
He might not be a hit man, either.
Not every person who looks at you is trying to kill you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Look at me.
Look at me.
I'm looking at you, and I'm not trying to kill you.
I know.
I mean, sometimes I want to kill you.
I know.
Sometimes, I want to kill you.
It's funny from the moment we met, you knew I killed people for a living.
And I knew you were an addict, a thief.
We knew the worst things about each other from the start and we didn't run away.
I tried to.
Yeah, so did I.
But here we are.
And all we do is try to change each other.
Why are we together? I think this is what happens when the honeymoon is over.
Did we ever have a honeymoon? [DIA FRAMPTON'S "DIE WILD" PLAYS.]
If I never get sober The heart wants what it wants If I never get over you Well, I just wanna be blue sometime I don't wanna get better I wanna burn like the 4th of July A little bit I got to fill me up A little bit of spit in my eye I just wanna die wild I just wanna die wild I just wanna die wild I just wanna die wild [FACETIME BEEPING.]
Merry Christmas Eve! Did I wake you up? JACOB: No.
I've been up.
Sean and Bethenny are having a party.
And you're hiding in your room? They told me to stay up here.
What are you talking about? Why? They said it's for adults.
It's okay.
It seems boring anyway.
I'm gonna call Sean.
No! I'm okay, Mom.
I'm excited for Christmas tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Did you get me something? For Christmas? Of course.
Sean said you didn't give him anything for me for under the tree.
That's because Sean doesn't know about it.
It's a surprise.
Oh, I miss you.
- I love you.
- I miss you, too.
I'll call you tomorrow when I open your present.
Okay.
Yay! - Bye.
- Bye.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Fuck.
Woodhill! Presents time.
- It's not Christmas.
- You're right.
It's Christmas Eve, which is when you open Christmas presents if you're Jewish.
Well, I open them on Christmas morning.
Okay.
You can open your present on Christmas morning.
Ha ha! [LAUGHS.]
Sound machine! All the rest of those are yours? [WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH!.]
Well Hi.
Great.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Are we doing Swedish or Deep Tissue or It's whatever my boyfriend wants.
Ready, babe? - For what? - Your 90-minute massage so you can relax.
Merry Christmas.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Don't let him tip you.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
Just do exactly what I told you to do.
The elves will know that I'm not a real elf.
Nobody is a real elf, Rob, and nobody likes pretending to be a real elf.
What they will like is anyone who helps them do their job a little less.
That's you.
Why wouldn't they like pretending to be a real elf? See? You're gonna be great.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hi.
I'm Rob, the elf.
What do you want for Christmas? You're not Santa.
No, but you can tell me, and I'll tell Santa.
I'll just wait for Santa.
Can I Can I get your room number? Why? Hotel policy.
Research, maybe like, demographics of who likes Santa and should they do it next year or whatever.
Uh, 306.
Let's have applause for Mrs.
Santa Claus Who trims his beard and helps to load the sleigh Who makes the toys while Santa's away Who should get all the applause? Who, of course, but Mrs.
Santa Claus Who darns his socks and hangs out his suit? Who lights up Rudolph's nose And in what room should Santa leave your pony? What are you up to? I'm working.
No, I mean later.
Who cares about this shit? Christmas Eve, she orders snow Wakes up Santa when it's time to go-o Who helps him check each Christmas list? Who wears a smile though her name's been missed? I need a gun.
- Why? - To shoot my little sister.
- That's not very nice.
- She's not very nice.
Kids should never have guns.
But w-what's your room number? The penthouse.
Santa's getting you a bike.
- You're not in charge.
- Yes, I am.
You think Santa actually does the work? [SCOFFS.]
He pretends he does everything, but he just shows up to this crap once a year, and I do everything else.
You're getting a bike.
She should get all the applause Let's have a hand for Mrs.
Santa Claus She makes presents all year through Tells the dwarves what they must do Christmas Eve, she orders snow Wakes up Santa when it's time to go-o Who helps him check through each Christmas list? GIRL: What are you doing? LETTY: Hi.
Are your parents here? No.
They're downstairs with my stupid brother.
- Who are you? - Your stupid brother? Why is he stupid? He still believes in Santa.
What are you doing in our room? I'm exchanging your presents.
Why? Because Santa gave you the wrong ones.
I just told you Santa isn't real.
How do you know? You know how, when you sit on Santa's lap and you tell him what you want, if your parents can't hear, they always ask for what you asked for.
Well, last year, I told Santa one thing and my parents another just to prove he isn't real.
I like you.
But you're wrong.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
I should know.
[WHISPERING.]
I'm Mrs.
Claus.
But you're not fat.
Common misconception.
Bye, Jessica.
How did you know my name? [SHIMMER!.]
Because I'm Mrs.
Claus.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS.]
[DIAL TONE.]
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
Why are you here? What? This is my room.
You didn't come here to explore.
You came here to do something.
Aah! Okay! I came for her! God damn it! - What? - Estelle.
I couldn't handle her just being a voice on the line.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You will never bother Estelle again.
You will leave this hotel.
If I ever see your face again, it will not end well for you.
Unh! [FLOOR INDICATOR CHIMES.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
What happened to your massage? Nothing.
It was great.
Thank you.
Where are you coming from? I, uh I went shopping.
I got a present for your mom and Rob.
Oh.
Same.
Why are you all dressed up? I also went shopping for myself.
You like? I do.
Festive.
Can you open the door? I forgot my keycard.
Right.
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[GIFT WRAP TEARING.]
[SIGHS.]
DANIELA: Uncle Jav always knows what to get.
Yeah.
[SNIFFLES.]
I brought gifts for you, too.
[OBJECT RATTLES.]
Oh.
Aww.
This is beautiful.
I'm sorry.
Isn't this a little much? Daniela No, these earrings are, like, at least $1,000.
Seriously, Mom, this is so weird.
TEO: I'm sorry.
I I've never been very good at giving gifts.
No, Teo.
These are gorgeous.
It's just we're still going through a lot.
Of course.
I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
Merry Christmas.
You don't have to go anywhere.
Really? I think I have to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
[SIGHS.]
Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Let's see what Santa's got for his little children, here.
- [GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Letty Betty Bo Betty [OBJECTS CLACKING, RATTLING.]
- Is this a puzzle? - No guessing.
Just like the ones I used to know [GIFT WRAP TEARS.]
I know you love it, so you should have it.
And And the shark almost kind of looks like you, right? Uh-huh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jav you are gonna love this.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas Wow.
Rob, this is too much.
It's a gun.
Did you just throw this at me? There's a safety obviously.
Safety first.
Look at the handle.
He got an engraved gun, and I got a used puzzle? Seriously, Rob, this is I can't accept this.
Uh, I'm pretty sure you have to accept it.
I can't return a gun with your name on it.
Okay.
Thank you.
So, this is for you.
And this is for you.
All right! [GIFT WRAP TEARS.]
Where the treetops glisten and children listen ROB: Javier.
Holy shit.
You're my favorite son.
Do you have other sons? Probably.
ESTELLE: Thanks, Javier.
LETTY: Wow.
World's greatest.
Congrats.
Okay, my turn.
May your days be merry and bright Oh! Thanks.
And may all your Christmases be white Sleigh bells ring Are you listening? Thank you.
Snow is glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight Walkin' - Gone away is the bluebird - [JAVIER CHUCKLES.]
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks, baby.
He sings a love song Javier.
Don't open it here.
It's an unofficial present.
It's just cash.
JAVIER: Estelle, this is very generous, but Letty and I are fine.
No.
The money is for Jacob.
Books, clothes, sushi whatever.
I'm giving it to you because you'll make sure the money's spent the way that it's meant to be.
Okay.
[FACETIME BEEPING.]
- [GASPS.]
- Mom! - You got me a dog! - Merry Christmas! - Hey, merry Christmas! - Hey, merry Christmas! You said I couldn't have one, but then you still got me one.
Because that's what you wanted.
Have you given him a name? I wanted to ask you first.
The name is totally up to you.
- Javier.
- Mm-hmm.
I left Rob's present in the car.
And I would ask Rob to go get it, but then I'd be a real bitch because it's his present.
- Do you mind? - Not at all.
Thanks.
It's in a green bag in the way back.
Green bag.
Tell Javier thanks for the AirPods.
You're welcome.
Oh, he's running upstairs.
I got to get him.
LETTY: Okay.
- [PUPPY BARKING.]
- [BETHENNY SNEEZING.]
I cannot believe that you Craiglisted a fucking dog to this house.
Oh, no, I forgot.
Bethenny's allergic.
Bye, Sean.
[LAUGHS.]
Walking in a winter wonderland [CAR ALARM CHIRPS.]
[LIGHTER CLICKING.]
You're actually really good at this, Rob.
Thanks.
I practice.
Not the puzzle Christmas.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- I got it.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Hey.
ESTELLE: He's here Luke.
He's outside my door.
Go into my room, with Letty and Rob.
Lock the doors.
I'll be right there.
Mom.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
Rhonda? Rhonda? Mom, what the hell is going on? ESTELLE: Javier didn't tell you? You seriously have a stalker? - Why wouldn't I? - A stalker? [DOOR SLAMS OPEN IN DISTANCE.]
Rhonda! [PICTURE FRAME CLACKS.]
[SIGHS.]
This is insane.
I'm calling security.
No, you're not.
Why would you not want to call security? [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Christian.
You have to tell me the truth right now.
Are you anywhere in the Smoky Mountains? Yes.
Birch Mountain Resort.
Shit! You need to leave.
- Why? - I'm supposedly on vacation with Lashever at her cabin, only it's conveniently five minutes from Birch Mountain.
And I just realized this isn't even her cabin! [GUN COCKS.]
I told you to disappear.
AGENT LASHEVER: Drop the gun.
You're under arrest.
FBI.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I think she's got you.
I think you're right.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
I'm sorry, Letty.
[HANDCUFFS CLICK.]
Ooh! What's this? It's a Christmas gift.
From Estelle Raines.
To get rid of her stalker.
Got it.
- Seriously? - [DOOR OPENS.]
This is bullshit! Oh! Look who it is! It's like I'm opening a Shitty Person Advent Calendar.
Go back in the other room, Letty.
It's over.
Letty, put down the gun.
No.
Let him go.
Let him go! Ah! - [HANDCUFFS CLICK.]
- Jesus Christ, Ms.
Raines.
You could've gotten out of this scot-free.
All you had to do was not threaten a federal agent.
This was not the plan.
Let her go! Have yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light From now on, our troubles will be out of sight Which airline?
And it was a trap.
He was another hit man there to kill me.
Get rid of this body.
Now.
Take it to what's his name Silk.
The funeral home.
I really do need to find your daughter.
I've told you, I don't know where she is.
We're gonna find this guy, and he's not gonna get away this time.
I'm here to schedule my son's interview.
Monday at 2:00.
If the interview goes well, we'll need this.
I told you I have that money covered.
No.
I will get the money.
By murdering somebody? I saw Emile arguing with one of those college guys in the woods.
And the guy jumped off a cliff.
MAN: Bryce! Those guys are looking for their friend Bryce.
Do you know where he is? No idea.
Apple saw you in the woods.
I don't know what Apple saw, but, uh yes.
I was in the woods last night with one of those guys.
Why? I was getting wood for the fire with him.
What did Apple tell you she saw exactly? She was peeing in the woods.
When she came back, she told me she saw Javier and a guy arguing.
Then the guy jumped off a cliff, and Javier just stood there.
Is Apple crazy or was she drunk? Drunk.
She stole a beer.
She drank the whole thing.
I told her she couldn't have seen that and it was because she was drunk.
Obviously.
But then, just now, those guys were looking for their friend Bryce.
So? You know Javier.
He obviously wouldn't just watch a guy walk off a cliff and do nothing about it.
He's not a psychopath.
JACOB: Do you have bad people from your past like Mom does? Everybody has bad people in their past.
Yeah, but this is a really nice car.
How did you afford it if you're just a cook? Did you used to do other stuff? - Actually - You mean like the stuff I did? Yeah.
Is that how you met? No.
Where are you going with this? You think that maybe Javier was arguing with a bad guy from his past? Yeah.
A 20-year-old college dude named Bryce? I don't know how old he was.
And as soon as he found Javier, he walked off a cliff and killed himself? Yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.
No.
And also, the guy I got firewood with, his name wasn't Bryce.
It was Daniel.
Oh.
Yeah.
It is good that you asked these questions, though.
You should always ask questions if you can't find the answer yourself.
Yeah.
Hard time forgiving Even harder forgetting Before you do something You might regret, friend Bricks are caving in Oh, how sweet this sin I left you the keys You won't let me in Hard time forgiving Even harder forgetting Before you do something [CHIMES CLINKING.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hi.
A list of books he'll need, our honor code, and a parents' manual.
S-So you're letting him in? He got in? He can start as soon as we return from the holiday break.
I know we're probably not the only school you're looking at, but we really hope you'll choose Cedarwood.
You got in! You got in! So, I'll take that as a "yes"? Yes! Yes! Uh Oh.
Here.
Okay.
We'll see you in the new year, Michael.
[LAUGHS.]
Can we get all the books now? We could.
But it might make us late to drop you off with your dad.
Oh.
You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to.
Yes, I do.
He gets Christmas for a week.
I know.
But if you don't want to be with him, if you want to come on a trip with me and Javier and Nana and Rob I want to be with him.
Okay.
Good.
That's good.
I'll get all the books while you're away.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Ho ho ho.
Gracias.
Ah.
How many phone books do you need to fill Yankee Stadium? They asked that in your interview? Millions.
One.
Then, you call all the people in it and make them come to the stadium.
You can't make them come to the stadium.
It was the right answer.
How'd you know? I Googled "stupid interview questions.
" Oh.
Smart.
We're very proud of you, Jacob.
It is not easy to get into such a good school.
Maybe you can give me the list of books and I can get them with Sean.
I told you I would get them.
I know, but if Sean can get them when I'm at his house, then I'll have a week to start reading and get ahead.
Ahead of what? Ooh.
Can we get a dog? - No.
- No.
But hey.
You can have this.
Don't open it until Christmas morning.
Thanks, Javier.
Actually, it's from the both of us.
It says "To Jacob, From Javier.
" [HORN HONKS.]
ROB: I missed you, dude! Oh, I wish you were coming on our trip! - Missed you, too.
- Where's Javier? We dropped him off at the movies.
Fucking Christmas.
Rob, inside.
Hey.
Jacob, come on.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Dad.
Ah.
Hey, Jacob, I want you to meet Bethenny.
She's my, uh She's gonna be my wife.
BETHENNY: Oh, you are even more handsome in person than you are in your pictures.
And your daddy has so many pictures of you on his phone.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Letty.
Hi.
I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity.
The trials that God has presented you, the things He's carried you through and shown you? I mean, I know this is ugly, but I'm so jealous of your relationship with Him.
Nothing to be jealous of, really.
Well, He has obviously chosen you.
I mean, after everything He put you through, you are standing there, so alive and beautiful.
[SNEEZES.]
- Oh.
- Bless you.
Thank you.
I'm allergic to everything.
Jacob.
You didn't tell me about Bethenny.
You don't tell me anything.
Do I ask? Jacob has a list of books he needs for school.
It would be great if you could get them.
Isn't that your job? I don't know.
But he wants to get them with you.
Hey, you ready, Jacob? Jacob.
Oh.
I love you, baby.
- I love you, too.
- See you in a week.
Bye, Mom.
Love you.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
ESTELLE: Why did Javier go to the movies? He didn't want to see Sean.
Well, I didn't want to see Sean, either.
Birch Mountain Resort and Spa, here we come! Ooh ooh! Ooh ooh! [LAUGHS.]
It's five stars, Letty.
You're gonna love it.
And it's all on me.
What? No, Rob, you're not paying.
Already done.
Already done.
And I got us adjoining rooms, which is good for Christmas but bad for other things.
[HORN HONKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
But one thing you'd never guess about me I-I'm super quiet during sex.
I'm not so quiet.
Oh, I know.
Thanks, Rob.
I've never really been on a vacation.
What are you talking about? Most of your life's been a vacation.
Come on.
Let's get Jav and hit the road! Rob, you go get Javier.
I'll ride with Letty.
- Why? - Go, Rob.
We'll be right behind you.
[VEHICLE DEPARTS.]
[SIGHS.]
What? Just talk.
That FBI woman came asking questions.
What did she want? She didn't say.
She just wanted to know where you were, which I didn't tell her because I didn't know.
Good.
Why does she want to find you, Letty? - I don't know.
- I think you probably do.
And I think it's a fair question considering you're with my grandson.
She's not looking for me.
She's looking for Javier.
It's why he's at the movies in case the FBI were here, waiting for him.
What? Remember the drug dealer I had to rat out to get custody of Jacob? It was Javier.
But he doesn't do it anymore.
I can't picture him ever doing that.
I know.
He's never done a single drug himself.
He's the one who keeps me in line.
And he's the reason I have Jacob, so I'm helping him hide.
Okay? Okay.
[RAPPING.]
That was me in BK on Atlantic Never looked both ways, ran in traffic Pops went away, but I stayed, vagrant Placed where the steel and cement became nature - Holy shit, Rob.
- Thank you.
I'll go get us checked in.
And the dreamers are bull trapped in porcelain Don't get any ideas.
I can have ideas.
I mean about stealing.
I know that's what you mean.
Do you really think I'm gonna walk out of here with an 800-pound couch? You would figure out a way.
I would.
But I was thinking, I just want a house that looks like this.
Oh, by the way, thanks for including me in that gift for Jacob.
I thought you would get him something yourself.
I thought getting him into private school - was a pretty nice gift.
- Kids want to unwrap things.
Private school is all he wanted.
Just because he wanted one thing doesn't mean he doesn't want more things.
Of all people, I'm sure you can understand that.
[SCOFFS.]
ESTELLE: What are you two fighting about? Nah, we're not fighting.
Yes, we are.
You can't just end arguments without me.
Why is that guy staring at us? ["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS ON PIANO.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
What's wrong? I think he might be here to kill me.
What would make you think that? It's just a feeling.
He was probably looking at your ass.
ROB: 408 and 409.
Back to back! Double penetration! [LAUGHS.]
Uh-oh! 409! Where you gonna end up? Ah! Just give Letty the other key for 409.
Thank you.
Hey, can I give you a piece of relationship advice? - No.
- If you really like Javier, don't pick on him for stupid shit.
The only thing you can really change about a man is his hair.
I like his hair.
What are you doing? Looking for that guy.
He's gone.
Are you gonna be like this the whole time? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- WOMAN: U.
P.
S.
! Aw! You've already been here today! - [BOOK SLAMS.]
- Ugh.
[GLASS THUDS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Not funny.
- I decide what's funny.
- [GROANS.]
You yelling at an innocent U.
P.
S.
delivery person is hilarious.
Why are you having all your packages delivered here? You have your own house.
Yes, I do.
But you're in yours all day while I'm out in the field working.
I'm not your doorman.
Oh, don't cry.
Why don't you just take your packages and go.
Please.
Why do you think I'm here? But you're coming with.
You're gonna help.
- I'm not helping - Accurate! You haven't done a single thing to help me find Javier.
So, this is how you're gonna help.
- Let's go.
- No, I'm not going anywhere! [BOXES THUD.]
Are you agoraphobic? No.
Big Christmas plans? [SIGHS.]
No.
Is there a hooker coming over? What? No.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, then, what's your problem, dude? I'm taking you to my cabin in the woods for a holiday retreat.
It's very quaint.
It's very cute.
We will assemble the plastic, pre-lit Christmas tree currently suffocating in one of those boxes.
In the rest of these boxes are presents, which we will wrap and unwrap.
Maybe we'll drink hot cider if I have any of those little packets left over from last year.
W-Why didn't you just tell me? Because I like surprises.
I don't.
- Boo! - Aah! [REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAP CLACKS.]
[SIGHS.]
JAVIER: That was fast.
I'm on vacation.
And you need to take longer showers.
[SIGHS.]
You also need to relax.
You're on vacation, too.
Here.
I mean, if you did something else, if you were like I don't know a neurologist or something, you wouldn't have to worry about people trying to kill you all the time.
- Yeah, I have been hired to kill neurologists.
- You know what I mean.
And we wouldn't have to gaslight Jacob.
- What? - It's when you manipulate someone into thinking they're the crazy one.
We did not make him think he was crazy.
We kind of did.
So, what are you gonna do the next time? And the next time? I thought we were on vacation.
Don't open these yet, but a Christmas tree with no presents under it is a sad sight.
Dinner downstairs at 7:00.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[JAVIER SIGHS.]
What's wrong? I miss my family.
They miss you.
[GLASS THUDS.]
[JAVIER SIGHS.]
You don't have to leave this thing parked at the office? What? No.
I own this.
Like, with the TVs and everything? You expect me to drive the basic shit car the FBI gives us? [CHUCKLES.]
Don't answer that.
It makes sense that you would think that.
And you own this cabin, too? What are you, some kind of gold digger? [CORK POPS.]
Say it again.
- Buenos Aires.
- Say it again.
- Buenos Aires.
- Again.
[CHUCKLES.]
ROB: Hey, that's the most expensive one, right? SERVER: Yes, it is.
Rob, how well are your grasshoppers doing? You mean my sperm? No.
I mean Rob's Grasshoppers.
Oh! Really well.
I had my best year this year.
Out of how many years? Nine.
- Seriously? - That's not so much.
I mean, we finished high school 15 years ago.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean, I know you didn't graduate I got it.
You know why this year has really been so great? God damn it, I'm gonna make a toast.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
The last Christmas I spent with my family, my Uncle Dale got so drunk, he threw my Aunt Georgina through a plate-glass window.
A-And that was before my sister announced that she was pregnant even though her husband got his balls snipped the year before, which is when things got really ugly, let me tell you.
So, I can say that, having you guys as my new family is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
I mean, the only thing better was the day that Estelle said "yes.
" Estelle, you've made me the luckiest man alive, and I still get a boner every time you walk into a room.
And even though y'all aren't married, I consider you my daughter and son-in-law.
Letty, you gave me a grandson, and Jacob is the coolest boy in the world.
And Javier, you gave me a whole car.
The McDanielses are a bunch of dick-wad alcoholics who never gave me a single Goddamn thing except a shitty reputation.
So, I couldn't be happier right now.
I mean, we're all here together.
And we're having a family spa day on Thursday.
[LAUGHS.]
So, let's all raise a glass to family.
- To family.
- To family.
A la familia.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
What's that mean, Javier? "To family.
" Oh.
Cool.
You got a big family? I do, yeah.
They're also a bunch of assholes.
No, they're not.
It is really just my father who's the asshole.
Well, who cares about your dad? You got me now.
Rob, you deal with the check while me and Javier get a table in the bar for a nightcap.
We can all just go together.
I don't see a check.
Do you see a check? I'll stay with Rob.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
We obviously have to wait for the check.
No, you don't.
They don't do checks here.
You just get up.
What are you talking about? It's all-inclusive.
Um, no, it's not.
Uh, yeah, it is.
Why would you think that? These places always are.
No, they're not.
Every vacation I've ever been on is all-inclusive.
This is a five-star hotel.
- So is Club Med.
- No, it's not.
Jesus, Rob It was weird that they didn't give us any beads or drink vouchers when we checked in.
Between the rooms and meals and drinks for five nights, plus spa treatments, it's gonna be at least 10 or 12 grand.
- What? - Here you are.
Oh, my God.
The limit on my card is $4,000.
I don't I don't have that kind of money.
I mean, I'm I'm gonna have to sell the new Rob's Grasshoppers vans, and I'm I'm not gonna be able to pay my fair share of the house.
Your mom is gonna kill me.
I mean I really think she might leave me.
What am I gonna do, Letty? Tell me what to do.
Don't worry.
I'll figure something out.
I can see you make Letty happy.
Do you think you'll be able to keep on making her happy? I will try.
Well, she's no day at the beach.
Yeah.
Yeah, we live at the beach.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
It's a saying.
It means she's not easy to live with.
Oh.
Well, neither am I.
Oh, my God, there's that guy again.
Holy shit.
I know who that is.
- You do? - Oh, my God.
I can't.
Estelle, who is it? His name is Luke.
He was one of my phone-sex clients.
I knew he wasn't right in the head from the first time he called me over a year ago.
He said he wanted to do twisted, violent shit to me, and I told him not to call back, but - Did you tell Rob? - Are you kidding? He'd kill the guy and then get caught and end up in jail for the rest of his life.
How do you know this guy is that Luke guy? Well, that's how he said he looked 6'3", dark hair, with that rose tattoo.
That could be a lot of guys.
And who's been stalking me since I got here? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I will take care of it.
No.
It's not your problem.
You're family.
I will take care of it.
Who, me? I is di queen Queen - Yeah, me bad - Yeah, me bad Just like machine gun Qui moi? Je suis la reine La reine Je suis forte Ca c'est certain Délicieux Comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes, comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes Délicieux Comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes, comme des bonnes Comme des bonnes There you are.
With all that champagne, I had to pee for, like, 10 hours.
Keep your morning open.
What? What are you talking about? Trust me.
I've done this a few thousand times.
Stole from Santa? No.
From real people.
Oh.
Good.
JAVIER: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? You've been following me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Since we checked in, I have caught you watching me twice.
This is what I do for a living, so I know what you're doing.
Well, what am I doing? Watching me.
Or watching my mother-in-law.
Watching people isn't against the law.
If you are stalking them, then, yes, it is against the law.
You need to relax.
You need to go away.
I'm a guest at this hotel.
I'll do whatever I want.
Please don't kill a random phone-sex guy in this hotel.
He might not be a random phone-sex guy.
He might not be a hit man, either.
Not every person who looks at you is trying to kill you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Look at me.
Look at me.
I'm looking at you, and I'm not trying to kill you.
I know.
I mean, sometimes I want to kill you.
I know.
Sometimes, I want to kill you.
It's funny from the moment we met, you knew I killed people for a living.
And I knew you were an addict, a thief.
We knew the worst things about each other from the start and we didn't run away.
I tried to.
Yeah, so did I.
But here we are.
And all we do is try to change each other.
Why are we together? I think this is what happens when the honeymoon is over.
Did we ever have a honeymoon? [DIA FRAMPTON'S "DIE WILD" PLAYS.]
If I never get sober The heart wants what it wants If I never get over you Well, I just wanna be blue sometime I don't wanna get better I wanna burn like the 4th of July A little bit I got to fill me up A little bit of spit in my eye I just wanna die wild I just wanna die wild I just wanna die wild I just wanna die wild [FACETIME BEEPING.]
Merry Christmas Eve! Did I wake you up? JACOB: No.
I've been up.
Sean and Bethenny are having a party.
And you're hiding in your room? They told me to stay up here.
What are you talking about? Why? They said it's for adults.
It's okay.
It seems boring anyway.
I'm gonna call Sean.
No! I'm okay, Mom.
I'm excited for Christmas tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Did you get me something? For Christmas? Of course.
Sean said you didn't give him anything for me for under the tree.
That's because Sean doesn't know about it.
It's a surprise.
Oh, I miss you.
- I love you.
- I miss you, too.
I'll call you tomorrow when I open your present.
Okay.
Yay! - Bye.
- Bye.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Fuck.
Woodhill! Presents time.
- It's not Christmas.
- You're right.
It's Christmas Eve, which is when you open Christmas presents if you're Jewish.
Well, I open them on Christmas morning.
Okay.
You can open your present on Christmas morning.
Ha ha! [LAUGHS.]
Sound machine! All the rest of those are yours? [WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH!.]
Well Hi.
Great.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Are we doing Swedish or Deep Tissue or It's whatever my boyfriend wants.
Ready, babe? - For what? - Your 90-minute massage so you can relax.
Merry Christmas.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Don't let him tip you.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
Just do exactly what I told you to do.
The elves will know that I'm not a real elf.
Nobody is a real elf, Rob, and nobody likes pretending to be a real elf.
What they will like is anyone who helps them do their job a little less.
That's you.
Why wouldn't they like pretending to be a real elf? See? You're gonna be great.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hi.
I'm Rob, the elf.
What do you want for Christmas? You're not Santa.
No, but you can tell me, and I'll tell Santa.
I'll just wait for Santa.
Can I Can I get your room number? Why? Hotel policy.
Research, maybe like, demographics of who likes Santa and should they do it next year or whatever.
Uh, 306.
Let's have applause for Mrs.
Santa Claus Who trims his beard and helps to load the sleigh Who makes the toys while Santa's away Who should get all the applause? Who, of course, but Mrs.
Santa Claus Who darns his socks and hangs out his suit? Who lights up Rudolph's nose And in what room should Santa leave your pony? What are you up to? I'm working.
No, I mean later.
Who cares about this shit? Christmas Eve, she orders snow Wakes up Santa when it's time to go-o Who helps him check each Christmas list? Who wears a smile though her name's been missed? I need a gun.
- Why? - To shoot my little sister.
- That's not very nice.
- She's not very nice.
Kids should never have guns.
But w-what's your room number? The penthouse.
Santa's getting you a bike.
- You're not in charge.
- Yes, I am.
You think Santa actually does the work? [SCOFFS.]
He pretends he does everything, but he just shows up to this crap once a year, and I do everything else.
You're getting a bike.
She should get all the applause Let's have a hand for Mrs.
Santa Claus She makes presents all year through Tells the dwarves what they must do Christmas Eve, she orders snow Wakes up Santa when it's time to go-o Who helps him check through each Christmas list? GIRL: What are you doing? LETTY: Hi.
Are your parents here? No.
They're downstairs with my stupid brother.
- Who are you? - Your stupid brother? Why is he stupid? He still believes in Santa.
What are you doing in our room? I'm exchanging your presents.
Why? Because Santa gave you the wrong ones.
I just told you Santa isn't real.
How do you know? You know how, when you sit on Santa's lap and you tell him what you want, if your parents can't hear, they always ask for what you asked for.
Well, last year, I told Santa one thing and my parents another just to prove he isn't real.
I like you.
But you're wrong.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
I should know.
[WHISPERING.]
I'm Mrs.
Claus.
But you're not fat.
Common misconception.
Bye, Jessica.
How did you know my name? [SHIMMER!.]
Because I'm Mrs.
Claus.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS.]
[DIAL TONE.]
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
Why are you here? What? This is my room.
You didn't come here to explore.
You came here to do something.
Aah! Okay! I came for her! God damn it! - What? - Estelle.
I couldn't handle her just being a voice on the line.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You will never bother Estelle again.
You will leave this hotel.
If I ever see your face again, it will not end well for you.
Unh! [FLOOR INDICATOR CHIMES.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
What happened to your massage? Nothing.
It was great.
Thank you.
Where are you coming from? I, uh I went shopping.
I got a present for your mom and Rob.
Oh.
Same.
Why are you all dressed up? I also went shopping for myself.
You like? I do.
Festive.
Can you open the door? I forgot my keycard.
Right.
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[GIFT WRAP TEARING.]
[SIGHS.]
DANIELA: Uncle Jav always knows what to get.
Yeah.
[SNIFFLES.]
I brought gifts for you, too.
[OBJECT RATTLES.]
Oh.
Aww.
This is beautiful.
I'm sorry.
Isn't this a little much? Daniela No, these earrings are, like, at least $1,000.
Seriously, Mom, this is so weird.
TEO: I'm sorry.
I I've never been very good at giving gifts.
No, Teo.
These are gorgeous.
It's just we're still going through a lot.
Of course.
I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
Merry Christmas.
You don't have to go anywhere.
Really? I think I have to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
[SIGHS.]
Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Let's see what Santa's got for his little children, here.
- [GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Letty Betty Bo Betty [OBJECTS CLACKING, RATTLING.]
- Is this a puzzle? - No guessing.
Just like the ones I used to know [GIFT WRAP TEARS.]
I know you love it, so you should have it.
And And the shark almost kind of looks like you, right? Uh-huh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jav you are gonna love this.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas Wow.
Rob, this is too much.
It's a gun.
Did you just throw this at me? There's a safety obviously.
Safety first.
Look at the handle.
He got an engraved gun, and I got a used puzzle? Seriously, Rob, this is I can't accept this.
Uh, I'm pretty sure you have to accept it.
I can't return a gun with your name on it.
Okay.
Thank you.
So, this is for you.
And this is for you.
All right! [GIFT WRAP TEARS.]
Where the treetops glisten and children listen ROB: Javier.
Holy shit.
You're my favorite son.
Do you have other sons? Probably.
ESTELLE: Thanks, Javier.
LETTY: Wow.
World's greatest.
Congrats.
Okay, my turn.
May your days be merry and bright Oh! Thanks.
And may all your Christmases be white Sleigh bells ring Are you listening? Thank you.
Snow is glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight Walkin' - Gone away is the bluebird - [JAVIER CHUCKLES.]
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks, baby.
He sings a love song Javier.
Don't open it here.
It's an unofficial present.
It's just cash.
JAVIER: Estelle, this is very generous, but Letty and I are fine.
No.
The money is for Jacob.
Books, clothes, sushi whatever.
I'm giving it to you because you'll make sure the money's spent the way that it's meant to be.
Okay.
[FACETIME BEEPING.]
- [GASPS.]
- Mom! - You got me a dog! - Merry Christmas! - Hey, merry Christmas! - Hey, merry Christmas! You said I couldn't have one, but then you still got me one.
Because that's what you wanted.
Have you given him a name? I wanted to ask you first.
The name is totally up to you.
- Javier.
- Mm-hmm.
I left Rob's present in the car.
And I would ask Rob to go get it, but then I'd be a real bitch because it's his present.
- Do you mind? - Not at all.
Thanks.
It's in a green bag in the way back.
Green bag.
Tell Javier thanks for the AirPods.
You're welcome.
Oh, he's running upstairs.
I got to get him.
LETTY: Okay.
- [PUPPY BARKING.]
- [BETHENNY SNEEZING.]
I cannot believe that you Craiglisted a fucking dog to this house.
Oh, no, I forgot.
Bethenny's allergic.
Bye, Sean.
[LAUGHS.]
Walking in a winter wonderland [CAR ALARM CHIRPS.]
[LIGHTER CLICKING.]
You're actually really good at this, Rob.
Thanks.
I practice.
Not the puzzle Christmas.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- I got it.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Hey.
ESTELLE: He's here Luke.
He's outside my door.
Go into my room, with Letty and Rob.
Lock the doors.
I'll be right there.
Mom.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
Rhonda? Rhonda? Mom, what the hell is going on? ESTELLE: Javier didn't tell you? You seriously have a stalker? - Why wouldn't I? - A stalker? [DOOR SLAMS OPEN IN DISTANCE.]
Rhonda! [PICTURE FRAME CLACKS.]
[SIGHS.]
This is insane.
I'm calling security.
No, you're not.
Why would you not want to call security? [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Christian.
You have to tell me the truth right now.
Are you anywhere in the Smoky Mountains? Yes.
Birch Mountain Resort.
Shit! You need to leave.
- Why? - I'm supposedly on vacation with Lashever at her cabin, only it's conveniently five minutes from Birch Mountain.
And I just realized this isn't even her cabin! [GUN COCKS.]
I told you to disappear.
AGENT LASHEVER: Drop the gun.
You're under arrest.
FBI.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I think she's got you.
I think you're right.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
I'm sorry, Letty.
[HANDCUFFS CLICK.]
Ooh! What's this? It's a Christmas gift.
From Estelle Raines.
To get rid of her stalker.
Got it.
- Seriously? - [DOOR OPENS.]
This is bullshit! Oh! Look who it is! It's like I'm opening a Shitty Person Advent Calendar.
Go back in the other room, Letty.
It's over.
Letty, put down the gun.
No.
Let him go.
Let him go! Ah! - [HANDCUFFS CLICK.]
- Jesus Christ, Ms.
Raines.
You could've gotten out of this scot-free.
All you had to do was not threaten a federal agent.
This was not the plan.
Let her go! Have yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light From now on, our troubles will be out of sight Which airline?