Grandma's House (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
The Day Simon Decided It Might Be a Nice Idea to Surprise His Mother with a Gift
1 They're nice, eh? A bit baggy round here? No.
Don't your ankles get cold? No.
Don't your ankles get judgmental? I've lost two stone now.
Can you believe it? Wonderful! How much more to go? No, I've reached my target weight.
Really? Hasn't she done well, Bernie? Yeah.
Maybe get them to check again.
Dad! What's going on out there? There's someone on my drive.
Who is it? Oh, it's Simon.
Is it? Is it my Simon? Simon's here? He's in a new car.
What's he beeping like a maniac for? He's saying we should go out.
Mum, tell him to come here.
Why do we all have to rush out in the rain? What? You know when you said your car was dying Tell me you haven't bought me a car.
Has he? Don't tell anyone.
Why's he got that gay car? Shush! Gay as in shit.
How's that offensive to anyone? Shhh! Don't speak.
Get inside.
You'll catch pneumonia out here.
You like yellow, right? Oh, my God! Shit, shit! Shit, Simon! Shit! You're taking it back! Fuck! I have got neighbours! It's only got two seats.
Shush! How much was it? It doesn't matter.
Who said you needed to buy me a car? You're making me cry.
I'm actually crying.
How much was it? You haven't got a job.
Do you want to just get in? No, close the door.
Close it.
Sit in it.
Is it just two doors? Yeah.
OK, shush, let me think for a minute.
You're very naughty, you are! Yes.
You're going to have to take it back, OK? Mum, he's bought me a car! I saw a little pisher like this get hit on the A13.
Flew up in the air like a beach ball.
Don't talk rubbish.
It's really funky.
It's sort of kooky, isn't it? I'm not being funny, what if you have to drive Mum and Dad to hospital? You can drive Dad, I'll take Mum.
Oh, no, it might be a bit much for me, being in such a small car.
Would it be a bit bumpy? Anything for me, Simon? Why? What do you need? Just a card would have been nice.
Typical, isn't it? I like your trousers.
Really? Yeah.
Is it the right weather for them? Did you tell Clive it was today? Of course.
Can we just enjoy this moment? I'm going to cry again! OK, right, listen to me.
Yes.
You're a very thoughtful, wonderful son, but it's too much.
I'm not keeping it.
Call them tomorrow and say it's not right, you need your money back.
OK, that's what I'll do.
Want a drive round the block? No, I'm not driving it! Very thoughtful to buy Mummy a car.
Now we're going indoors.
Pretend it never happened.
You are keeping it.
We'll see.
Take your coat off.
What happened to Clive buying you the Yaris that you kept going on about? Shush! I'm sure Simon was there when you mentioned it.
Can't you just say it's a nice gesture? You might as well just buy a gun and shoot yourself! So what's the latest? He thinks it's cancer.
No, he doesn't.
Doesn't he? The guy found a small nodule during the rectal exam.
Could be anything.
That's what he said.
Anything? Obviously not a pineapple, you idiot! He had lovely warm hands.
Could have cut his fingernails.
So you've got another test? Check-up? He's seeing a specialist.
You putting candles in your own cake? Three weeks.
I could be gone by then.
I'll do that! Thank you.
I got you something.
What? A cure? No, a juicer.
Ah, Simon.
Another gift for someone else? Isn't he good?! Shall I not give it to him? No, you give it.
Give it to him? Never been a moment's bother.
What is it? You can juice raw vegetables every day.
Keep the receipt? Just keep it! Bernie! He's being funny.
He likes it.
Don't you? He changes everything.
Wonder he doesn't change me! Warranty's expired! Ha ha! You should do this as a show, visit random families and give 'em crap presents.
Oi! Open it.
Be good to have a juice every day.
Apparently, I've only got a fortnight to live.
Dad! He's being funny.
We're all going to die, you know.
Simon! No, we're not.
No? I'm sure I saw it on a documentary.
Don't say we're all going to die in front of an old man.
I'm trying to keep him alive! Happy Birthday Not yet! Clive isn't here! Clive's coming? He has to come again? Shut up.
I'm engaged to him now, aren't I? He's bringing round my ri-ing! I thought he gave you the ring.
Yeah, it's been adjusted.
Smaller or wider? Bit wider.
Fingers are swollen at the moment for some reason.
You've always had quite swollen fingers, haven't you? It's a 1.
75-carat diamond, Exceptional White, VVS1.
Can you believe it? Such a ring she's got! Get it insured.
Turn it inside your hand when you're out, you'll get it pinched.
Wear gloves.
Put your hands in your pockets.
Or don't wear it! Keep it in a safe and get a replica! Or get a fake safe to confuse burglars.
Or don't marry him.
Shush! Sorry.
I mean, congratulations.
What's the old saying? Obscenely expensive ring, he definitely won't be an appalling control freak! You'll have to be nice to him, Simon.
It's a saying.
That's what people say.
Your mother's found someone.
Don't you go to prison for drink-driving over a homeless man? No, it was the '80s! He lost a lot of money on the legal costs.
God, that's terrible for him.
And his wife left with depression.
Where did you find this dreamboat? Cos if you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh Did she kill herself? What does it matter? He's single now.
All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single ladies What's that other one she does? Another one? No, no, no, no way I'm living Mum! What? Hello, Clive.
Hello, ladies! Hello! Hi.
Oh, look at him.
Clive dresses very smart.
What is it? Sheepskin.
Killed it myself this morning.
Boom! Oh, killed it himself! He's so funny.
That's what we need with all the terrorism.
Sorry I'm late.
Minicab didn't know where he was going.
Knows his way around Trinidad, I suppose! Hello, Liz! Where's your car? The Lex, I'm afraid, is in the garage.
Some Herbert smashed the rear passenger window.
Oh, poor you.
It's only jealousy.
I know.
If I find the little sod, I'll snap his neck in four places.
Oh, gosh.
Anyway, let us not let that get in the way of a good time.
Hello, Captain! Hello Sailor! How's my best man? Yeah, good.
Tickety-boo.
Simon, 'ere you go.
Just sign this quick.
Good boy.
We're looking forward to the stag do! Oh, yeah, that.
What are you expecting from me? Strippers? Is that what people do? Strippers! Do your worst.
Pretty unshockable, me.
Seen it all, done it all.
Can't remember most of it.
Shall I get a prostitute to go to the toilet on your face? Simon! What goes on tour, stays on tour.
Prostitutes! They're both so funny, aren't they? Simon and Clive.
I was thinking about the wedding.
Don't bother to invite Sid.
Why not? He's dead.
Oh, shut up! Did you get my ring adjusted? Dead! He's just unsociable.
Et voila, madame.
Oh, look, Mum.
Oh, how lovely.
Still a bit swollen? Can you believe it? If you like it then you should OK.
Where's Adam? Simon, can you go and get Adam? We're ready now.
Adam! Shall I get him? No, no, we've got to do the quiz.
Are we playing a game? We're trying to.
It's Liz's birthday.
You didn't tell me! My humblest apologies, Liz.
As a rule, I always remember a lady's birthday, but never her age.
Do you really want to do this quiz or is it boring for people? Dad! It's fun.
Oh, yeah.
Adam! He's caused me so much bother this week.
What's he done now? I don't want to go into it now.
You'll make a big thing of it, especially him.
Adam! He was so quiet, wasn't he? So, what? Did he say something racist or get his willy out? Racist or willy? Neither! Racist.
No, not really.
What was he up for - gags or impressions? I don't want to go into it now.
Barry made him cry, telling him he was an idiot.
Because he was racist? He's got to write an anti-racism speech.
No harm done.
I'm one short.
What did he say? Oh, for God's sake! You can't resist! It wasn't even properly racist.
One tiny word.
One of the big two? No, that's the thing.
Three, maybe four.
Fair enough.
I bet you have to put up with this PC nonsense all the time at the Beeb.
They're mad on it in our office.
It's annoying when you want to lash out at some bloody minority.
Oh, I hate minorities.
OK, I'm ready.
Come on, then.
All right.
All right.
How does it work? You ask questions? Yes! Ready? What's number three? One that you should be allowed to say, OK? Adam! You can't say anything any more.
They can dish it out, but can't take it.
Who? Are we having this argument? Oh, Simon.
You think the world's perfect.
Two of Adam's friends got their phones stolen by some big black boys, OK? Not big black boys! Oh, my God! How big were they? They're always so big, aren't they! Enormous black people wandering round Ilford stealing phones from tiny Jews.
It's not funny.
It could've been Adam.
It couldn't have been Adam.
How do you know? You bought such a cheap phone.
You should get Adam one of these.
What's he doing, Mum?! He keeps everything in there.
Nobody knows it's there.
All right! Put your trousers back on! Shush! What celebrity did Liz and Barry see at the outlet village in 2006? Bzzz! Cheryl Baker.
Tanya, you've got to write it down! You've told us this story 100 times.
Isn't it more fun to buzz? No.
No? All right.
Smile.
We'll write it down.
Cheryl Baker.
Walking into Whittard's wearing the same jacket as Liz, so they smiled at each other.
Next question.
You know what we could do, I recorded something last night with a woman married to a big dog.
There he is! Come and sit next to your grandma.
Adam, sit.
You've already missed the first question.
Was it Sanjay from EastEnders? No, shush.
The sandwich toaster! Stop! Shall I put it on? Such a big dog.
Dad! Do I have to be here? I'm trying to write a stupid speech about bagels.
A speech about bagels? What did he do to a bagel? Here we go.
We've decided, so he doesn't get into any more trouble, instead of saying that word, he's got to say bagel now.
That's racism solved.
Phew! What kitchen appliance did Liz win in 2003? What was one again? Cheryl Baker, Whittard's.
You've told him to say bagel? Bagel? I think I say "by-gel".
No, you say bagel.
Why did he call someone a bagel? Because the little bagel bastard hit him! They're very lazy, a lot of these people.
Who? Bagels! Where are you going? Nowhere.
Just carry on.
Yeah, they don't pay taxes, they take up hospital beds You can't walk down the high street, you're surrounded! Ugh! Can you stop, please? This argument has been resolved.
Turned out the racists were the baddies.
Keep it light, Skipper.
You can't even say anything about the bagels or your child gets suspended.
That's like eating four slices of bread.
Question number three.
Who did birthday girl Happy birthday Not now! For God's sake! Fine! We'll try again later? .
.
She's very tense, isn't she? Is she all right? Just leave her.
You make out like you're so PC! What about when you mooned my mum? Yeah! What are you bringing that up for? That wasn't race-related.
I didn't have swastikas on my bottom.
When did he moon her? I don't remember that.
No, it was fine.
He was only little.
Did you just storm out and come straight back in again? No.
So? You should say something, Liz.
Tell us if you're storming out, no? Yeah, you should say if you're going to storm out, Liz.
He was 15! Oh, he wasn't! It was post puberty, I know that.
I can't have been 15.
I was 11.
Let's say 12.
I was 12.
I think I was trying to make a point about individuality or freedom.
I think you proved it, you nutter.
And he bent over.
Oh, God! It was very quick.
I didn't see.
Sorry.
There's no need to ever show your grandma your bottom.
And some of your balls.
A tiny bit of balls.
I was 12.
15.
She hasn't eaten a falafel since.
I was trying to break the monotony of people sat in a house repeating the same old tired cliches.
It's OK, Si, the men in white coats are on the way.
Are you sure this is all you want? Mm, yes.
Thank you.
Go on, what's going on? Have you spoken to your agent about getting a new show? No.
I've started writing stuff.
Have you? Writing? What are you writing? I don't know.
I think it'll end up being a play or something.
Oh, that's nice.
A play?! Yes.
A play? Yes.
What's the point of that? You're a presenter.
Don't you want to be a name in America, like Cat Deeley? At least do something on television.
I don't want to watch a play! My producer thought it could be something.
I'd rather it was a play.
Do something with Martin Clunes.
Write yourself a part.
I'd love to see you in a drama with Martin Clunes.
Oh, yes, lovely.
Can you write? I don't even know if you can write.
It's been really healing.
Has it? I feel everything will be fine now.
I'll have to face people if it's shit.
I'm sure my friends will like it.
What's it about, then? Go on.
It's nothing.
It's personal.
Is it about me? It's abstract.
About the idea of truth and Ugh.
What? Ugh! Why ugh? Stop ughing! Who are you? Where is he? Where's he gone? Where's my Simon? Where is he? Get off! Simon! Simon! Stop! Too close? Yes.
Don't do a boring play.
Do your Mr Blobby.
What do you want from me now? You used to do Blobby.
Do it for us.
It's just saying, "Blobby".
Blobby! Blobby, blobby! He's not writing about me, is he? No! Good.
Why would it be about you? It isn't, so good.
What is there to write about you? Nothing.
Good.
Why do you have to own this conversation by saying "good" after everything? It's her birthday, Simon.
Be nice.
It isn't about you.
Fine.
Anyway Little tension-breaker.
Had a word with my guy and, um I think we can probably stretch to one of these.
Oh, Clive! It's the Yaris! Now, that's a solid car.
Oh, Clive! What a day for you, Tanya.
Shame it's a bit late now, isn't it? For what? What's too late? My car's dying.
This is my dream car.
It's the Yaris.
And Liz, look - another card for you.
Who can that be from? Really, Mum? I thought you had quite a nice car.
No? Kooky.
"To my beautiful darling auntie".
Oh, lovely.
Thanks, Simon.
What a good boy he is.
I'm assuming that's your toaster on the drive? Yes! Simon bought himself a new car.
Do you want to have a look? Show Clive your new car, Simon.
This is amazing! Get yourself a sticker - "my other car's a car".
Just pulling your plonker, mate.
How is this difficult? He won't buy me a car if he thinks you've got me one already! I have! You can have that now.
I don't need a car.
Well, I need the Yaris.
Who are you? Who cares about cars? We don't care about cars.
Barbara Javahari has got a Yaris.
Why shouldn't I? Barbara Javahari? Is that an actual person? She got remarried.
You know her as Barbara Koch.
Oh, Barbara Koch! Did the Kochs split up? Yes! That's a shame.
What happened to, "I just need a small car to get me from A to B"? I got you a lovely kooky car.
That's who you are.
What? A woman who drives around in a funny yellow thing? I'm sorry, but it is a bit ridiculous for me.
Just do this for your mother.
I don't ask for much, do I? I'll leave it.
Do what you want.
No, take it home.
Clive's waiting.
Why do I need to show him the car? Just do this.
I'd do anything for you.
Fine.
You know it's all insecurity.
He's so desperate to seem in control, trying to impress us with his opinions.
What do you want from me? You can have anything.
He thinks he's saving you.
You can have my pubic hairs if you want! Oh, my God! Ready? Yeah.
I'll just go and show Clive my car.
There you go.
It's a car.
It's yellow.
Well, come on.
Show me round! I'm cold.
Don't be silly.
This is a big day! How much did you pay for this? lb6,500? A bit more.
Really? I hope you know what you're doing.
I prefer something with a bit more welly.
But it's perfect for you, you can use it to dry your hair! OK, well, this has been fun.
Where are you going? Come on! Really? Get inside.
You, my friend, are a funny man.
Oh, God.
Well, it's cosy in here! This is nice, isn't it? Which bit? The wheel? No, this.
Oh, us.
Sat in a car.
I know you could have thought I was just some Jack-the-lad only interested in your mum for her body No, no.
Turning up with a flash ring and her dream car.
But I'm in this for the long haul.
OK, Captain? OK, good.
Good.
All right, then.
Till death us do part.
That's how long.
Gosh.
That is long.
I really am very fond of her.
OK, Si.
Give her belly a tickle and see if she purrs.
Who? Oh, what? The thing.
All right, OK.
Give her belly a tickle? OK, there we go.
Go on.
Give her some revs so I can hear her.
OK, then Shhh! That doesn't sound right.
What? What now? The engine! It's a good engine.
I looked at the engine.
It's a good engine.
Well, let's have a look, shall we? Er, isn't the engine at the back in these things? Oh, yeah, of course it is.
Yeah, yeah.
Did the AA guy not think it sounded a bit off? What AA guy? Oh, God! It's a bloody mess in here! What? What's wrong? She's been walloped up the arse.
Has she? Yeah.
They're tried to cover it up, but she's been sodomised, old boy.
What are you doing?! Why have you taken the thing off?! Poor little darling.
Gang raped.
She hasn't been gang raped! Of course she has! Let's go inside, give her some privacy.
This is a dodgy respray.
Look, she's red, see? She's embarrassed.
Can we go inside? Take this back to the dealer.
Can't we pop this back on? It wasn't a dealer.
It was just a man.
Well, where does he live? I don't know.
He came to me.
Si! What? What colour was he? Pinkish? How much did you say you paid for it? Seven? A bit more.
What were you thinking? Six? Four? What do you want? Pick a number.
Oh, Si.
Which number should I say? Three? What's wrong? You smell that? What? What is it? This is a Clive-Si project.
Is it? Yeah.
I can see how much you love this sassy little lady and you and I are going to lick her back into shape.
Oh, by the by We'd all love it if you and Liz could just get on a bit better, OK? OK Simon! What? Quick! What? Remember when you used to be funny? Oh, yeah.
I need you to write me a speech.
Does it have to be funny? What's the premise? Racism isn't good? Yeah.
Glad someone's finally saying that out loud.
Well done you.
Really brave of you.
You're in such a bad mood, aren't you? Is it Clive? No.
Just get over it.
You don't even live round here any more.
See 'em once a month or text 'em.
You're not the voice of reason, I'm the voice of reason.
Are you doing this speech or not? Why is this still going on? What about compassion and love, huh? Compassion.
Love.
What about those things? Sorry.
Go on, I'm ready.
What have you got so far? Well It's Marge Simpson with a man's dick.
Good, ain't it? Mind if I don't help? I thought you were a writer now.
What's your play about? It's experimental.
It's about the struggle for truth and beauty against the powers of inauthenticity and dullness.
Oh, my God! A play about Clive?! No.
Aren't you scared of what he'll do? It's not about anyone, it's fiction, fiction.
Sure.
I need a wee.
Write what you feel.
I might do my impression of Sandip's mum.
Don't do an impression of Sandip's mum.
Don't! OK, I'm off.
Is this your play? Did you go in my case? It was just lying on top.
Why are you going in my case? I was just browsing.
Don't read it.
It's not finished.
Oh, shush.
Just let me read it.
Oh, is it only three pages? What's it about? Not about bagels? Can I be in it? Will it be on television? No, it's a play.
Can you just put it back? But if it's good, they'll film it.
No-one will film it.
They'll never film it? No.
Who are "they"? What's the point? Why can't they film it just in case? In case what? In case it's good.
It will be good! Then why not film it? This is exciting.
It's your future! Better be good.
He ain't got a job now.
OK, I have to go now.
Please, give it back.
Everybody, Simon's going to do his play for us very quickly.
What does "doing it" involve? Let's see it, Simon.
I have to go.
It'd be nice for Liz's birthday.
Wonderful! It's not finished.
It doesn't matter.
It's just a first draft.
The characters aren't Ow! Don't be so modest.
I'm not being modest.
Yawn, yawn.
Shut up, sit down and let us appreciate the fruits of your class A skill set.
Capisce? Liz, you can read one character.
No, she's not.
We're not doing this.
Sit down.
Don't ruin your aunt's birthday.
I'm not bothered.
Come on, get involved on your birthday! Get involved! I want to hear it.
OK, so what are we doing? Who am I? What does "Egg 1" mean? The characters are eggs.
Oh, dear.
You'll have eggs on stage? Maybe we should just do the quiz.
Shush! People.
Actors playing eggs.
Don't read it.
It's silly.
Sit! Come on, Si.
Let's get cracking! OK.
I'll be Egg 1, you be Egg 2.
Oh, typical! You want to be Egg 1? No, I don't care! OK! You ready? Shush, everyone.
"How long have we been here?" No! What's that?! Please don't read it like that.
Like what? Just do it in your normal voice.
But I'm an egg.
OK, read it like an egg! Read it like an egg, darling.
OK.
"How long have we been here?" Oh, Jesus! "Space or time?" Give it a bit of oomph.
"Time.
" "I don't know.
" "How did we get here?" "I know not how we came to be here or even where here is.
" Gosh.
"What am I?" Is this going anywhere? No, maybe stop.
"You are an egg.
" "What is an egg?" Please, I can't take it Stop it! Sit down.
It's upsetting me.
Keep going.
Simon, come on! "To the chicken, the potential child.
"To its owner, the potential meal.
"The most precious thing in the world or the disposable feast.
" I can't read this! Just do it! It's a load of rubbish! Oh, Liz! It's lovely, Simon.
It's abstract.
They're eggs, yeah? Egg-cellent! Maybe it's you.
Well, you read it with her, then! Yeah, go on.
No, really it's enough.
I can't bear it.
I can't bear any more.
Please, Simon.
Sit down.
Sit.
Make me happy.
OK.
"Egg 1 points towards an egg in the distance.
"Who is that strong-looking egg?" "Avoid that egg, for it contains an evil, controlling yolk.
" This is amazing.
"What evil has it done?" "As it fell from its mother, it killed another.
"This dull, soulless egg killed an innocent, penniless egg.
"It is a terrible egg.
" OK? Everyone happy? Well done, everyone.
That was really amazing.
Really good.
You gave up a TV show for that? Well, that was good! Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
All right, all right.
Thank you.
Bye.
You take care on the way back.
OK.
Simon, can we talk? Step into my office.
Bit of privacy.
Really? In here? Go on.
Really? We need to talk in the toilet? Yeah.
Now, I thought we were mates.
That makes sense.
Sure we want to do it here? We could go in the kitchen.
Shhh! I don't know why you want to cause your mum so much anguish.
Why? What's happened? I'm not an idiot! I know who that was about! Liz is not a bad egg.
She's your mother's sister.
I don't think either of them need this at a time like this, do you? No.
You're a smart boy.
You don't need to air your family's dirty laundry.
What goes on in the family Stays in the family.
Yeah, OK.
I don't think Liz got it, but I'll tell you something.
If anyone did that to me, I'd break their fucking legs! Who did Liz once shout at in the Exchange Centre for not queuing? Sanjay from EastEnders.
Don't know his real name.
Do you know his real name? What's his name? We've all got to get on now, partner.
Mm-hm, yeah.
We get on, don't we? Look at us! A couple of guys hanging out in my grandma's toilet.
A bloody riot! Cake? You want some cake? One day we'll look back on this and have a bloody good laugh! Of course we will.
OK, what now? Do we shake hands? Oh, yeah.
Now Oh, really? I'll be out in a minute.
Shut the door behind you.
There's a good lad.
Good luck.
What was Liz awarded for at school in Year 7? Pole vault! Don't panic, Skipper! Clive's here!
Don't your ankles get cold? No.
Don't your ankles get judgmental? I've lost two stone now.
Can you believe it? Wonderful! How much more to go? No, I've reached my target weight.
Really? Hasn't she done well, Bernie? Yeah.
Maybe get them to check again.
Dad! What's going on out there? There's someone on my drive.
Who is it? Oh, it's Simon.
Is it? Is it my Simon? Simon's here? He's in a new car.
What's he beeping like a maniac for? He's saying we should go out.
Mum, tell him to come here.
Why do we all have to rush out in the rain? What? You know when you said your car was dying Tell me you haven't bought me a car.
Has he? Don't tell anyone.
Why's he got that gay car? Shush! Gay as in shit.
How's that offensive to anyone? Shhh! Don't speak.
Get inside.
You'll catch pneumonia out here.
You like yellow, right? Oh, my God! Shit, shit! Shit, Simon! Shit! You're taking it back! Fuck! I have got neighbours! It's only got two seats.
Shush! How much was it? It doesn't matter.
Who said you needed to buy me a car? You're making me cry.
I'm actually crying.
How much was it? You haven't got a job.
Do you want to just get in? No, close the door.
Close it.
Sit in it.
Is it just two doors? Yeah.
OK, shush, let me think for a minute.
You're very naughty, you are! Yes.
You're going to have to take it back, OK? Mum, he's bought me a car! I saw a little pisher like this get hit on the A13.
Flew up in the air like a beach ball.
Don't talk rubbish.
It's really funky.
It's sort of kooky, isn't it? I'm not being funny, what if you have to drive Mum and Dad to hospital? You can drive Dad, I'll take Mum.
Oh, no, it might be a bit much for me, being in such a small car.
Would it be a bit bumpy? Anything for me, Simon? Why? What do you need? Just a card would have been nice.
Typical, isn't it? I like your trousers.
Really? Yeah.
Is it the right weather for them? Did you tell Clive it was today? Of course.
Can we just enjoy this moment? I'm going to cry again! OK, right, listen to me.
Yes.
You're a very thoughtful, wonderful son, but it's too much.
I'm not keeping it.
Call them tomorrow and say it's not right, you need your money back.
OK, that's what I'll do.
Want a drive round the block? No, I'm not driving it! Very thoughtful to buy Mummy a car.
Now we're going indoors.
Pretend it never happened.
You are keeping it.
We'll see.
Take your coat off.
What happened to Clive buying you the Yaris that you kept going on about? Shush! I'm sure Simon was there when you mentioned it.
Can't you just say it's a nice gesture? You might as well just buy a gun and shoot yourself! So what's the latest? He thinks it's cancer.
No, he doesn't.
Doesn't he? The guy found a small nodule during the rectal exam.
Could be anything.
That's what he said.
Anything? Obviously not a pineapple, you idiot! He had lovely warm hands.
Could have cut his fingernails.
So you've got another test? Check-up? He's seeing a specialist.
You putting candles in your own cake? Three weeks.
I could be gone by then.
I'll do that! Thank you.
I got you something.
What? A cure? No, a juicer.
Ah, Simon.
Another gift for someone else? Isn't he good?! Shall I not give it to him? No, you give it.
Give it to him? Never been a moment's bother.
What is it? You can juice raw vegetables every day.
Keep the receipt? Just keep it! Bernie! He's being funny.
He likes it.
Don't you? He changes everything.
Wonder he doesn't change me! Warranty's expired! Ha ha! You should do this as a show, visit random families and give 'em crap presents.
Oi! Open it.
Be good to have a juice every day.
Apparently, I've only got a fortnight to live.
Dad! He's being funny.
We're all going to die, you know.
Simon! No, we're not.
No? I'm sure I saw it on a documentary.
Don't say we're all going to die in front of an old man.
I'm trying to keep him alive! Happy Birthday Not yet! Clive isn't here! Clive's coming? He has to come again? Shut up.
I'm engaged to him now, aren't I? He's bringing round my ri-ing! I thought he gave you the ring.
Yeah, it's been adjusted.
Smaller or wider? Bit wider.
Fingers are swollen at the moment for some reason.
You've always had quite swollen fingers, haven't you? It's a 1.
75-carat diamond, Exceptional White, VVS1.
Can you believe it? Such a ring she's got! Get it insured.
Turn it inside your hand when you're out, you'll get it pinched.
Wear gloves.
Put your hands in your pockets.
Or don't wear it! Keep it in a safe and get a replica! Or get a fake safe to confuse burglars.
Or don't marry him.
Shush! Sorry.
I mean, congratulations.
What's the old saying? Obscenely expensive ring, he definitely won't be an appalling control freak! You'll have to be nice to him, Simon.
It's a saying.
That's what people say.
Your mother's found someone.
Don't you go to prison for drink-driving over a homeless man? No, it was the '80s! He lost a lot of money on the legal costs.
God, that's terrible for him.
And his wife left with depression.
Where did you find this dreamboat? Cos if you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh Did she kill herself? What does it matter? He's single now.
All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single ladies What's that other one she does? Another one? No, no, no, no way I'm living Mum! What? Hello, Clive.
Hello, ladies! Hello! Hi.
Oh, look at him.
Clive dresses very smart.
What is it? Sheepskin.
Killed it myself this morning.
Boom! Oh, killed it himself! He's so funny.
That's what we need with all the terrorism.
Sorry I'm late.
Minicab didn't know where he was going.
Knows his way around Trinidad, I suppose! Hello, Liz! Where's your car? The Lex, I'm afraid, is in the garage.
Some Herbert smashed the rear passenger window.
Oh, poor you.
It's only jealousy.
I know.
If I find the little sod, I'll snap his neck in four places.
Oh, gosh.
Anyway, let us not let that get in the way of a good time.
Hello, Captain! Hello Sailor! How's my best man? Yeah, good.
Tickety-boo.
Simon, 'ere you go.
Just sign this quick.
Good boy.
We're looking forward to the stag do! Oh, yeah, that.
What are you expecting from me? Strippers? Is that what people do? Strippers! Do your worst.
Pretty unshockable, me.
Seen it all, done it all.
Can't remember most of it.
Shall I get a prostitute to go to the toilet on your face? Simon! What goes on tour, stays on tour.
Prostitutes! They're both so funny, aren't they? Simon and Clive.
I was thinking about the wedding.
Don't bother to invite Sid.
Why not? He's dead.
Oh, shut up! Did you get my ring adjusted? Dead! He's just unsociable.
Et voila, madame.
Oh, look, Mum.
Oh, how lovely.
Still a bit swollen? Can you believe it? If you like it then you should OK.
Where's Adam? Simon, can you go and get Adam? We're ready now.
Adam! Shall I get him? No, no, we've got to do the quiz.
Are we playing a game? We're trying to.
It's Liz's birthday.
You didn't tell me! My humblest apologies, Liz.
As a rule, I always remember a lady's birthday, but never her age.
Do you really want to do this quiz or is it boring for people? Dad! It's fun.
Oh, yeah.
Adam! He's caused me so much bother this week.
What's he done now? I don't want to go into it now.
You'll make a big thing of it, especially him.
Adam! He was so quiet, wasn't he? So, what? Did he say something racist or get his willy out? Racist or willy? Neither! Racist.
No, not really.
What was he up for - gags or impressions? I don't want to go into it now.
Barry made him cry, telling him he was an idiot.
Because he was racist? He's got to write an anti-racism speech.
No harm done.
I'm one short.
What did he say? Oh, for God's sake! You can't resist! It wasn't even properly racist.
One tiny word.
One of the big two? No, that's the thing.
Three, maybe four.
Fair enough.
I bet you have to put up with this PC nonsense all the time at the Beeb.
They're mad on it in our office.
It's annoying when you want to lash out at some bloody minority.
Oh, I hate minorities.
OK, I'm ready.
Come on, then.
All right.
All right.
How does it work? You ask questions? Yes! Ready? What's number three? One that you should be allowed to say, OK? Adam! You can't say anything any more.
They can dish it out, but can't take it.
Who? Are we having this argument? Oh, Simon.
You think the world's perfect.
Two of Adam's friends got their phones stolen by some big black boys, OK? Not big black boys! Oh, my God! How big were they? They're always so big, aren't they! Enormous black people wandering round Ilford stealing phones from tiny Jews.
It's not funny.
It could've been Adam.
It couldn't have been Adam.
How do you know? You bought such a cheap phone.
You should get Adam one of these.
What's he doing, Mum?! He keeps everything in there.
Nobody knows it's there.
All right! Put your trousers back on! Shush! What celebrity did Liz and Barry see at the outlet village in 2006? Bzzz! Cheryl Baker.
Tanya, you've got to write it down! You've told us this story 100 times.
Isn't it more fun to buzz? No.
No? All right.
Smile.
We'll write it down.
Cheryl Baker.
Walking into Whittard's wearing the same jacket as Liz, so they smiled at each other.
Next question.
You know what we could do, I recorded something last night with a woman married to a big dog.
There he is! Come and sit next to your grandma.
Adam, sit.
You've already missed the first question.
Was it Sanjay from EastEnders? No, shush.
The sandwich toaster! Stop! Shall I put it on? Such a big dog.
Dad! Do I have to be here? I'm trying to write a stupid speech about bagels.
A speech about bagels? What did he do to a bagel? Here we go.
We've decided, so he doesn't get into any more trouble, instead of saying that word, he's got to say bagel now.
That's racism solved.
Phew! What kitchen appliance did Liz win in 2003? What was one again? Cheryl Baker, Whittard's.
You've told him to say bagel? Bagel? I think I say "by-gel".
No, you say bagel.
Why did he call someone a bagel? Because the little bagel bastard hit him! They're very lazy, a lot of these people.
Who? Bagels! Where are you going? Nowhere.
Just carry on.
Yeah, they don't pay taxes, they take up hospital beds You can't walk down the high street, you're surrounded! Ugh! Can you stop, please? This argument has been resolved.
Turned out the racists were the baddies.
Keep it light, Skipper.
You can't even say anything about the bagels or your child gets suspended.
That's like eating four slices of bread.
Question number three.
Who did birthday girl Happy birthday Not now! For God's sake! Fine! We'll try again later? .
.
She's very tense, isn't she? Is she all right? Just leave her.
You make out like you're so PC! What about when you mooned my mum? Yeah! What are you bringing that up for? That wasn't race-related.
I didn't have swastikas on my bottom.
When did he moon her? I don't remember that.
No, it was fine.
He was only little.
Did you just storm out and come straight back in again? No.
So? You should say something, Liz.
Tell us if you're storming out, no? Yeah, you should say if you're going to storm out, Liz.
He was 15! Oh, he wasn't! It was post puberty, I know that.
I can't have been 15.
I was 11.
Let's say 12.
I was 12.
I think I was trying to make a point about individuality or freedom.
I think you proved it, you nutter.
And he bent over.
Oh, God! It was very quick.
I didn't see.
Sorry.
There's no need to ever show your grandma your bottom.
And some of your balls.
A tiny bit of balls.
I was 12.
15.
She hasn't eaten a falafel since.
I was trying to break the monotony of people sat in a house repeating the same old tired cliches.
It's OK, Si, the men in white coats are on the way.
Are you sure this is all you want? Mm, yes.
Thank you.
Go on, what's going on? Have you spoken to your agent about getting a new show? No.
I've started writing stuff.
Have you? Writing? What are you writing? I don't know.
I think it'll end up being a play or something.
Oh, that's nice.
A play?! Yes.
A play? Yes.
What's the point of that? You're a presenter.
Don't you want to be a name in America, like Cat Deeley? At least do something on television.
I don't want to watch a play! My producer thought it could be something.
I'd rather it was a play.
Do something with Martin Clunes.
Write yourself a part.
I'd love to see you in a drama with Martin Clunes.
Oh, yes, lovely.
Can you write? I don't even know if you can write.
It's been really healing.
Has it? I feel everything will be fine now.
I'll have to face people if it's shit.
I'm sure my friends will like it.
What's it about, then? Go on.
It's nothing.
It's personal.
Is it about me? It's abstract.
About the idea of truth and Ugh.
What? Ugh! Why ugh? Stop ughing! Who are you? Where is he? Where's he gone? Where's my Simon? Where is he? Get off! Simon! Simon! Stop! Too close? Yes.
Don't do a boring play.
Do your Mr Blobby.
What do you want from me now? You used to do Blobby.
Do it for us.
It's just saying, "Blobby".
Blobby! Blobby, blobby! He's not writing about me, is he? No! Good.
Why would it be about you? It isn't, so good.
What is there to write about you? Nothing.
Good.
Why do you have to own this conversation by saying "good" after everything? It's her birthday, Simon.
Be nice.
It isn't about you.
Fine.
Anyway Little tension-breaker.
Had a word with my guy and, um I think we can probably stretch to one of these.
Oh, Clive! It's the Yaris! Now, that's a solid car.
Oh, Clive! What a day for you, Tanya.
Shame it's a bit late now, isn't it? For what? What's too late? My car's dying.
This is my dream car.
It's the Yaris.
And Liz, look - another card for you.
Who can that be from? Really, Mum? I thought you had quite a nice car.
No? Kooky.
"To my beautiful darling auntie".
Oh, lovely.
Thanks, Simon.
What a good boy he is.
I'm assuming that's your toaster on the drive? Yes! Simon bought himself a new car.
Do you want to have a look? Show Clive your new car, Simon.
This is amazing! Get yourself a sticker - "my other car's a car".
Just pulling your plonker, mate.
How is this difficult? He won't buy me a car if he thinks you've got me one already! I have! You can have that now.
I don't need a car.
Well, I need the Yaris.
Who are you? Who cares about cars? We don't care about cars.
Barbara Javahari has got a Yaris.
Why shouldn't I? Barbara Javahari? Is that an actual person? She got remarried.
You know her as Barbara Koch.
Oh, Barbara Koch! Did the Kochs split up? Yes! That's a shame.
What happened to, "I just need a small car to get me from A to B"? I got you a lovely kooky car.
That's who you are.
What? A woman who drives around in a funny yellow thing? I'm sorry, but it is a bit ridiculous for me.
Just do this for your mother.
I don't ask for much, do I? I'll leave it.
Do what you want.
No, take it home.
Clive's waiting.
Why do I need to show him the car? Just do this.
I'd do anything for you.
Fine.
You know it's all insecurity.
He's so desperate to seem in control, trying to impress us with his opinions.
What do you want from me? You can have anything.
He thinks he's saving you.
You can have my pubic hairs if you want! Oh, my God! Ready? Yeah.
I'll just go and show Clive my car.
There you go.
It's a car.
It's yellow.
Well, come on.
Show me round! I'm cold.
Don't be silly.
This is a big day! How much did you pay for this? lb6,500? A bit more.
Really? I hope you know what you're doing.
I prefer something with a bit more welly.
But it's perfect for you, you can use it to dry your hair! OK, well, this has been fun.
Where are you going? Come on! Really? Get inside.
You, my friend, are a funny man.
Oh, God.
Well, it's cosy in here! This is nice, isn't it? Which bit? The wheel? No, this.
Oh, us.
Sat in a car.
I know you could have thought I was just some Jack-the-lad only interested in your mum for her body No, no.
Turning up with a flash ring and her dream car.
But I'm in this for the long haul.
OK, Captain? OK, good.
Good.
All right, then.
Till death us do part.
That's how long.
Gosh.
That is long.
I really am very fond of her.
OK, Si.
Give her belly a tickle and see if she purrs.
Who? Oh, what? The thing.
All right, OK.
Give her belly a tickle? OK, there we go.
Go on.
Give her some revs so I can hear her.
OK, then Shhh! That doesn't sound right.
What? What now? The engine! It's a good engine.
I looked at the engine.
It's a good engine.
Well, let's have a look, shall we? Er, isn't the engine at the back in these things? Oh, yeah, of course it is.
Yeah, yeah.
Did the AA guy not think it sounded a bit off? What AA guy? Oh, God! It's a bloody mess in here! What? What's wrong? She's been walloped up the arse.
Has she? Yeah.
They're tried to cover it up, but she's been sodomised, old boy.
What are you doing?! Why have you taken the thing off?! Poor little darling.
Gang raped.
She hasn't been gang raped! Of course she has! Let's go inside, give her some privacy.
This is a dodgy respray.
Look, she's red, see? She's embarrassed.
Can we go inside? Take this back to the dealer.
Can't we pop this back on? It wasn't a dealer.
It was just a man.
Well, where does he live? I don't know.
He came to me.
Si! What? What colour was he? Pinkish? How much did you say you paid for it? Seven? A bit more.
What were you thinking? Six? Four? What do you want? Pick a number.
Oh, Si.
Which number should I say? Three? What's wrong? You smell that? What? What is it? This is a Clive-Si project.
Is it? Yeah.
I can see how much you love this sassy little lady and you and I are going to lick her back into shape.
Oh, by the by We'd all love it if you and Liz could just get on a bit better, OK? OK Simon! What? Quick! What? Remember when you used to be funny? Oh, yeah.
I need you to write me a speech.
Does it have to be funny? What's the premise? Racism isn't good? Yeah.
Glad someone's finally saying that out loud.
Well done you.
Really brave of you.
You're in such a bad mood, aren't you? Is it Clive? No.
Just get over it.
You don't even live round here any more.
See 'em once a month or text 'em.
You're not the voice of reason, I'm the voice of reason.
Are you doing this speech or not? Why is this still going on? What about compassion and love, huh? Compassion.
Love.
What about those things? Sorry.
Go on, I'm ready.
What have you got so far? Well It's Marge Simpson with a man's dick.
Good, ain't it? Mind if I don't help? I thought you were a writer now.
What's your play about? It's experimental.
It's about the struggle for truth and beauty against the powers of inauthenticity and dullness.
Oh, my God! A play about Clive?! No.
Aren't you scared of what he'll do? It's not about anyone, it's fiction, fiction.
Sure.
I need a wee.
Write what you feel.
I might do my impression of Sandip's mum.
Don't do an impression of Sandip's mum.
Don't! OK, I'm off.
Is this your play? Did you go in my case? It was just lying on top.
Why are you going in my case? I was just browsing.
Don't read it.
It's not finished.
Oh, shush.
Just let me read it.
Oh, is it only three pages? What's it about? Not about bagels? Can I be in it? Will it be on television? No, it's a play.
Can you just put it back? But if it's good, they'll film it.
No-one will film it.
They'll never film it? No.
Who are "they"? What's the point? Why can't they film it just in case? In case what? In case it's good.
It will be good! Then why not film it? This is exciting.
It's your future! Better be good.
He ain't got a job now.
OK, I have to go now.
Please, give it back.
Everybody, Simon's going to do his play for us very quickly.
What does "doing it" involve? Let's see it, Simon.
I have to go.
It'd be nice for Liz's birthday.
Wonderful! It's not finished.
It doesn't matter.
It's just a first draft.
The characters aren't Ow! Don't be so modest.
I'm not being modest.
Yawn, yawn.
Shut up, sit down and let us appreciate the fruits of your class A skill set.
Capisce? Liz, you can read one character.
No, she's not.
We're not doing this.
Sit down.
Don't ruin your aunt's birthday.
I'm not bothered.
Come on, get involved on your birthday! Get involved! I want to hear it.
OK, so what are we doing? Who am I? What does "Egg 1" mean? The characters are eggs.
Oh, dear.
You'll have eggs on stage? Maybe we should just do the quiz.
Shush! People.
Actors playing eggs.
Don't read it.
It's silly.
Sit! Come on, Si.
Let's get cracking! OK.
I'll be Egg 1, you be Egg 2.
Oh, typical! You want to be Egg 1? No, I don't care! OK! You ready? Shush, everyone.
"How long have we been here?" No! What's that?! Please don't read it like that.
Like what? Just do it in your normal voice.
But I'm an egg.
OK, read it like an egg! Read it like an egg, darling.
OK.
"How long have we been here?" Oh, Jesus! "Space or time?" Give it a bit of oomph.
"Time.
" "I don't know.
" "How did we get here?" "I know not how we came to be here or even where here is.
" Gosh.
"What am I?" Is this going anywhere? No, maybe stop.
"You are an egg.
" "What is an egg?" Please, I can't take it Stop it! Sit down.
It's upsetting me.
Keep going.
Simon, come on! "To the chicken, the potential child.
"To its owner, the potential meal.
"The most precious thing in the world or the disposable feast.
" I can't read this! Just do it! It's a load of rubbish! Oh, Liz! It's lovely, Simon.
It's abstract.
They're eggs, yeah? Egg-cellent! Maybe it's you.
Well, you read it with her, then! Yeah, go on.
No, really it's enough.
I can't bear it.
I can't bear any more.
Please, Simon.
Sit down.
Sit.
Make me happy.
OK.
"Egg 1 points towards an egg in the distance.
"Who is that strong-looking egg?" "Avoid that egg, for it contains an evil, controlling yolk.
" This is amazing.
"What evil has it done?" "As it fell from its mother, it killed another.
"This dull, soulless egg killed an innocent, penniless egg.
"It is a terrible egg.
" OK? Everyone happy? Well done, everyone.
That was really amazing.
Really good.
You gave up a TV show for that? Well, that was good! Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
All right, all right.
Thank you.
Bye.
You take care on the way back.
OK.
Simon, can we talk? Step into my office.
Bit of privacy.
Really? In here? Go on.
Really? We need to talk in the toilet? Yeah.
Now, I thought we were mates.
That makes sense.
Sure we want to do it here? We could go in the kitchen.
Shhh! I don't know why you want to cause your mum so much anguish.
Why? What's happened? I'm not an idiot! I know who that was about! Liz is not a bad egg.
She's your mother's sister.
I don't think either of them need this at a time like this, do you? No.
You're a smart boy.
You don't need to air your family's dirty laundry.
What goes on in the family Stays in the family.
Yeah, OK.
I don't think Liz got it, but I'll tell you something.
If anyone did that to me, I'd break their fucking legs! Who did Liz once shout at in the Exchange Centre for not queuing? Sanjay from EastEnders.
Don't know his real name.
Do you know his real name? What's his name? We've all got to get on now, partner.
Mm-hm, yeah.
We get on, don't we? Look at us! A couple of guys hanging out in my grandma's toilet.
A bloody riot! Cake? You want some cake? One day we'll look back on this and have a bloody good laugh! Of course we will.
OK, what now? Do we shake hands? Oh, yeah.
Now Oh, really? I'll be out in a minute.
Shut the door behind you.
There's a good lad.
Good luck.
What was Liz awarded for at school in Year 7? Pole vault! Don't panic, Skipper! Clive's here!