Great News (2017) s02e08 Episode Script
Sensitivity Training
1 Ooh, it's starting.
You know, you're the first guy I ever texted "C-SPAN and chill?" who actually responded.
Yeah, sorry it took so long to do this.
My schedule has just been crazy.
Oh, congressman sleeping in the back drink.
Mm, streaker, drink.
No, wait, that's just Nancy Pelosi wearing a nude-colored pantsuit.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Excuse me, Mr.
Speaker, I call to the bedroom floor the Senator from Sex-achusetts.
Oh, hey, I gotta go.
What? Wait, why? Oh, no, is it 'cause of the burnt bone smell? My neighbors practice SanterÃa.
I would complain, but sometimes I cough up gold coins No, it's just something really important has just come up, I'm so sorry.
[DOOR THUDS.]
[GAGS.]
Yeah.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Hey.
I just got a very promising lead.
You know that vegan health food brand, Smug Meadow Farms? Oh, yeah, yeah, I love their dried prune snacks.
They totally clean me out because they're so expensive.
- Money, not poop.
- I just got a tip that they haven't been disclosing all of their ingredients, and there's no one to hold them accountable ever since the president replace the head of the FDA with Chester Cheetah.
Oh, my God, that's huge.
And of course, you're gonna give the story to Gene.
Well, it's not fair, man.
I work longer hours than everyone here.
No, Katie, I'm telling you because I want you to produce it.
I totally agree.
You work really hard.
Okay, cool, yeah.
If you want me to do it, I'll do it, whatever.
Ugh, come on.
Oh, I'm so in love I have to get flowers at work to prove I'm in a good relationship.
Ooh, they're for me.
This is proof I'm in a good relationship.
Who's the guy? Are you still dating that McDonald's janitor? No, and he wasn't a McDonald's janitor when I dated him.
He got fired for shoving a kid.
No, this is a new guy I'm seeing Jeremy.
Why'd he get you flowers? Oh, 'cause he had to bail on our date last night.
- Isn't that sweet? - More like shady.
Guys only send flowers for three reasons Anniversary, Valentine's Day, got Amber Rose pregnant.
No, he's just thoughtful, unlike that janitor.
For our two-month anniversary, he surprised me with a haircut while I was asleep.
Tell me this Have you ever been to his place? Well, no, but Is he secretive about phone calls? Yeah, but I mean, what's wrong with wanting some privacy? I wish I had some.
My mom insisted on co-sleeping up until this morning.
I hate to break it to you, but you're a sidepiece.
This guy has a girlfriend and you ain't it.
No, I'm not a sidepiece.
Sure, and I'm not Banksy.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hey, Greg, you wanted to see me? Yes, Carol, unfortunately someone in the office filed a complaint against you.
You Japanese have such beautiful hair.
I'm not Japanese.
Oh, good, so I can tell you a funny joke my father wrote during Pearl Harbor.
You have to attend sensitivity training today after work.
- Come on, Greg.
- I'm not racist.
It's MMN policy.
You have to go.
Fine, can I at least bring Angie and we go to the Olive Garden instead of this? No, Carol! [LAUGHS.]
[GROANS.]
Okay.
'Sup, Rookie? Chuck, what are you doing here? The same thing I've done every night for the past 11 years.
I've committed so many offenses I'll be here until the day I die.
Welcome to hell.
So, I take Will Shortz's parking space and he says, "You'll be sorry.
" Now, I think he's gonna turn me into, like, a snarky crossword clue or something, then he just beats me to a pulp.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hey, I was thinking, why don't we go to your place tonight? Really? Um But we always go to your place.
I know, let's switch it up.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Oh.
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I gotta take this.
Oh, he's not talking to his girlfriend.
I'm not a sidepiece.
Well, if you'd like to be, Oswald and I have an open relationship.
Oh.
Pass.
Yeah, that sounds great, honey.
We'll grill franks at the house this weekend.
Oh, my God.
Portia was right.
I am a sidepiece.
Ooh I told you no, young lady! Good evening.
My name is Joyce and I'll be conducting your sensitivity training.
Please do pay attention.
There will be a quiz at the end.
That should be easy for me.
I'm not racist against anyone except Italians from Bologna.
May their tails get caught in a windmill.
Sensitivity is about making work a "safe space" so no one is made to feel "less than" or "other.
" An easy place to start is with gender semantics.
Now, say you work with a cisgender male who identifies as homosexual.
What would be an appropriate pronoun to use? RuPaul? No.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
You got one right? Nerd.
I don't understand.
How did I fail? Does this mean that I'm a bad person? No, of course not, Carol.
It's the stupid PC culture.
That's the problem.
There's a new offensive word every day.
It's bad to call someone sissy now? That was my mother's name! Yeah, I'm nice.
I don't see color.
I once walked into a black church and I didn't even notice until I realized I was having fun! People are too sensitive these days.
It's not us that needs to change.
You know who really needs to learn a lesson? BOTH: Everyone in this office besides us.
Katie, Katie.
How's that Smug Meadow Farms piece coming? Great I spent all morning on the phone with a quality control officer that used to work there.
Get this: their vegan protein patties contain meat.
From people? No, just meat.
Oh.
That's still really bad though, isn't it? Keep at it.
Hey, Portia, you were right.
Last night I caught Jeremy talking to his girlfriend.
I'm so sorry.
What did you do to get back at him? Well, let's just say revenge is a dish best served cold, by which I mean I went home and Postmated an ice cream cake.
Wait, a guy cheated on you and you did nothing? Haven't you ever heard of the country song that I recorded after my break up with some hockey guy? What you gonna cheat with now, you genius? Now that I've gone and destroyed your pe Jeez, I was just gonna never speak to him again and then Facebook-stalk him and every woman he ever dates until one of us dies.
Katie, you owe it to yourself and women everywhere to make him pay for what he did.
But just remember If you kill him, he can't live on to tell your story.
Bye, have fun.
[WHISPERING.]
Bye.
[CLAPPING.]
Great show, everyone! Where is everybody? Oh, for God's sake.
What did you two do? We didn't do anything.
Your insensitive staff offended us.
- Hey, guys.
- I'm not a guy.
Gender discrimination.
[SNEEZES LOUDLY.]
God bless you.
God? Offended! Oh, so I guess you couldn't be a delivery woman.
Triggered.
Aw, thanks, dude.
Dude? I don't identify as a cowboy! I need a safe space! Gun violence continues Guns have triggers.
Triggered! And we're out.
Thanks, guys.
That was on television.
So you reported the entire staff.
We just wanted to prove that this PC stuff has gone too far.
Anything could be considered insensitive these days.
That might have been a cool take a few years ago, but this is 2017.
The President just asked Congress to fund something called Bitch Jail.
There are literal Nazis in the street.
We had one on the show last night.
Wait, that guy with the Hitler haircut wasn't David Beckham? Okay, I need to cancel my dinner plans.
Look, you two are by far the oldest people in the office.
Stop acting like babies.
Ageism! Joyce, I don't feel safe.
You are going to fry for this.
Chuck, sit down.
I'm afraid he's right.
Okay, Katie, you can do this.
You are a strong, independent woman and you deserve to drink a cool, refreshing Gatorade.
Ugh, I should've just paid for the ad-free affirmations app.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I like that.
Oh, my God, he's with her right now.
I am gonna destroy your Don't stop, no, no, no, more of this.
- Wait, what? - Give it to me, big boy.
Give it uh, Katie.
What the hell are you doing? Uh, working.
What are you doing? I thought you were having sex.
Why would you think that? Oh, did you hear me yell "Who's your daddy?" - when I reached my word count? - No.
Good, 'cause I didn't.
No, I like my job a normal amount.
Wait, so you're not seeing someone else? No, no, of course not.
Well, then, how come we never come back here? Well, I mean, look at my place.
[LAUGHING.]
It's kind of pathetic.
I don't even have a real refrigerator.
I just have an old fan blowing on a stack of American cheese.
Oh.
But why are you so secretive about your phone? Well, I gotta protect my sources.
You know, my calls and texts contain a lot of sensitive information.
Oh.
Maybe I should be doing that.
My password is "password" and my secret question is "How's it going?" But no I heard you talking on the phone.
You called someone "honey" and said you were gonna grill franks at the house this weekend.
Yeah, I said I was gonna grill as in interview Congressman Trent Franks at the House of Representatives.
And my editor's name is Hun Ni.
She's Chinese.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh.
That's her calling right now.
[BUZZING.]
Okay, so I guess we're okay then.
Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
Sorry.
Oh, except I think someone keyed "die bastard" on the side of your car.
Friggin' Will Shortz.
[SIGH.]
How do you stop a guy that's got no fear? So this PC nonsense isn't so easy, is it, Greg? How about a friendly wager? If you pass the sensitivity quiz, I will end my own life.
- Greg passed.
- No, Greg! [SOBBING.]
I wanna live! You call yourself sensitive? You would let a man die for, what, a bet? Actually, everyone passed, except Chuck and Carol.
What? How? Because we aren't the problem, Carol, you two are.
Ms.
Joyce, is there any way I can get extra credit? Like, stay late and clean the African-American board? No.
[SIGHS.]
- Katie? - How'd you get my real number? I mean, what's up? I just wanted to let you know that you were wrong about Jeremy.
He wasn't cheating; he's just really into his job, Right, Jer? Jer? Jer? He's so busy.
Anyway, I am not a sidepiece.
Everything is amazing.
No, Katie, dating a workaholic is so much worse.
[WHISPERING.]
Come on, you never react right.
If work is a guy's first love, you can't compete.
When I dated Steve Harvey, the only way that I could see him was by posing as a seven-year-old breakdancer on "Little Big Shots.
" Well, that's not a problem for us, right, Jeremy? Jeremy? Jeremy? [WHISPERING HARSHLY.]
Jeremy, please.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
You are wrong, and I'm gonna prove it.
Hey, what do you say we take a little break from work [SCREAMS.]
My beautiful papers.
Okay, we need to talk.
Look, I get that you love your job.
I love my job too, but we need to be able to make time for each other.
I feel like we do that, I mean, didn't you see where I wrote, "Hey, Katie," in the middle of that prison reform article? I see what you mean.
Oh, hey guys.
Can I ask you a question? How did you pass that test? It was impossible.
That test wasn't hard if you don't live in a bubble.
Look, I'm black and I was raised by two dads, so you can imagine what my childhood was like.
That must've been tough.
But I'd watch the heck out of that show.
Growing up Jewish in Alaska wasn't easy either.
It's so cold there, and I'm afraid of bears.
I don't wanna be insensitive, guys, but it's confusing.
Greg, Portia.
How are white Americans like us supposed to keep track of it all? Um, I'm half black.
What? - And I'm not American.
- I'm British.
Huh? But because of my accent, people always assume that I know what I'm talking about, and I don't.
I've got an eighth grade education.
So, you know, American college.
Oh, boo-hoo, we all got our problems.
For example [GRUNTS.]
I just crushed my testicles on that banister; you don't see me crying about it.
No, no, Chuck, I get it now.
It's not this PC stuff that's complicated.
It's people that are complicated.
No, Carol, they are hypnotizing you with this snowflake nonsense; don't listen to them.
Listen to me, and look at this enticing coin.
See it shine? Isn't this nice, taking a break from work? - Ugh, yeah.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, oh my gosh.
I'm sorry, I thought I turned that off.
So tell me why they call "The New York Times" the Grey Lady? Oh, fascinating story.
So, apparently, on the set of "Dirty Dancing," Jennifer Grey - [UTENSIL CLANKING.]
- Oh! Clumsy me, I dropped my fork No! I loved the one I dropped! What is this work emergency? Our Smug Meadow Farms source just leaked confidential docs and Katie, the meat is bonobo.
[WHISPERING.]
My God! That's as close as you can get to people They use tools, and they have sex for pleasure.
Okay, fine, I'll be there.
Katie, you okay? Wha oh, yeah.
I'm so, so, sorry.
Picking up this fork reminded me that I need to pick pick on the old banjo.
That's right, my bluegrass band has a show tonight.
What are we called? You know what? Don't ask me now, okay? You've never shown the slightest interest in my band! [TENSE MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
Let's do this.
[THE WEEKND'S "EARNED IT" PLAYING.]
You make it look like it's magic Oh, yeah 'Cause I see nobody Nobody but you, you, you I'm never confused Hey, hey I'm so used to being used So I love when you call unexpected You're right, that did not make typing twice as fast.
No.
'Cause I hate - [SQUEAKING.]
- [PANTING.]
What the hell's going on here? [GASPS.]
Jeremy.
Um, okay.
You know what, this is not what it looks like.
It's, um, we're just We're having sex.
Yeah, right.
You're working! Aw, you're as bad as I am.
At least I know that I'm addicted to my job.
Addicted? [STAMMERS.]
I do lots of stuff besides my job, okay? I sleep.
I've got my bluegrass band.
What are we called? Uh Look, Katie, I could've been at home banging out as many stories as I wanted to tonight, but I didn't.
I met you halfway.
I hate to bring this up right now, but I have an STD.
A strict time deadline.
Katie, we've got to get back to work.
Wayne, thank you for recommending the autobiography of Professor X.
This guy's crazy.
I said Malcolm X, Carol.
You know, I guess some problems are so systemic you can't solve them in a day.
I've solved racism.
I thought about what you all said last night, and it made me realize something.
Nothing! There is too much sensitivity out there.
Well, you know who gets it worse than anyone? - Chuck, no! - White men.
People say whatever they want about us.
And do we complain? No.
We take it with a smile.
Of all the things that white men have given society, what are the four greatest? - Clarinet-based jazz.
- I didn't say anything.
Close-up magic.
Stadium magic.
And the roast the last bastion of free speech in America, where you can say whatever you want without offending anybody.
And today, you folks are the emcees.
Have a seat.
And I am going to show you how to take a joke.
Now, I know you'll all need some time to prepare.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, all right.
[CHUCKLES.]
They say that comedy comes from truth.
Well, the truth is that I once saw Chuck eating alone at the Times Square Chili's on Christmas Eve.
[LAUGHTER.]
I don't know why Chuck isn't a network anchor.
[LAUGHING.]
So true! I mean, what does David Muir have that Chuck doesn't? Besides decades longer to live.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
That's fun ow.
Ow, that's funny.
I am the same age my father was when he died.
What's the deal with the smell in Chuck's office? I mean, am I in a nursing home? Am I in a teenager's bedroom? What is going on? [LAUGHTER.]
Knock, knock, Wayne.
Who's there, Portia? A white majority.
Well, not for long, according to prevailing demographic trends.
[LAUGHTER.]
Come on, guys.
Leave Chuck alone.
He has his struggles like everybody else.
Did you know that his feet are a size two? He has to stuff his shoes with an entire newspaper.
[LAUGHTER.]
Stop it! Stop.
That's not a joke.
Did you know that his hair plugs are poisoning him? [LAUGHTER.]
Chuck Pierce looks like if you carved a head out of an apple and left it on the radiator.
[LAUGHTER.]
So what's this meeting about, anyway? [FAKE LAUGHS.]
This is so fun.
That's why I'm now wearing sunglasses.
[SNIFFS.]
[SNIFFS.]
Katie.
- What are you doing here? - I came to apologize.
I've been giving you a really hard time, and I didn't realize I'm a workaholic too.
Yeah.
You know, on Fridays you always say, "TGIAMA.
" Thank God it's almost Monday again.
But why does that have to be a bad thing? You know, I love my job, and one of the reasons I like you is that you have a job and can pay for dinner.
- I'm in print.
- I make $7,000 a year.
[SHUDDERS.]
I'm just saying, why should we feel bad about putting work first? Totally.
Yeah, you know, this could be kind of perfect.
I'm finally with someone who gets it.
Yes! Yes.
Okay, so I have to go back to the office, but what are you doing this weekend? Oh, uh, busy this weekend.
We're actually having a bake sale to help keep the paper afloat for another week.
Yeah, well, next week's actually bad for me.
- What about next month? - Oh, can't do it.
I'm actually going deep undercover as Bernie Sanders' aunt.
Ohh.
Can't remember why.
Early November looks good.
- Oh, except for post-Halloween - Mid-term elections.
Mid-term elections.
Oh, okay.
Okay, I think I found a winner.
I will see you February 14, 2019.
Ooh, but are we ready to do Valentine's Day? These topics are not funny.
So they're off limits.
But there's still plenty you can rib me about: my way with animals, how I have the biggest office I wonder what that's compensating for.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hey, you know what? I only did all this to help you, and this is the thanks I get? I thought you could take a joke.
I can, but these aren't jokes, like an Asian man slipping on a banana peel.
These are hurtful like a white man slipping on a banana peel.
It makes me feel less than or, uh, other.
I don't know what the word for it is.
- Insensitivity.
- Exact oh.
Okay.
Got it.
Uh is this what you've been complaining about for the past 11 years? ALL: Yes.
- Try 400 years, Chuck.
- Oh, not this again.
You know what, Wayne, let me tell you oops.
Sorry, I hear it.
I will, uh, work on it.
And every day, the dog walks to its owner's grave as a reminder to all humans that he'll kill anyone who gets in his way.
- Chuck? - Thanks, Portia.
Coming up eek, eek, ook, ook.
Sounds you'd expect to hear at the zoo.
But from your veggie burger? A "Breakdown" exclusive when we return.
Great job with that story.
You really hit it for six.
Uh, sorry cricket.
What's an American sports term? Oh, I don't know.
- You all right? - [SIGHS.]
Jeremy and I broke up.
It's fine.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm too busy for human relationships anyway.
I gotta go watch 8 hours of senate hearings - on C-SPAN.
- Have you ever played the C-SPAN drinking game, where you take a drink every time Al Franken comes back to steal office supplies.
Stop it.
I, like I invented that game.
You wouldn't wanna watch it with me, would you? Yeah.
That sounds fun.
You know what, I can't.
My cat has a Flea problem.
She used to date the bassist from Red Hot Chili Peppers, and he's still in love with her.
Got you.
- Maybe some other time.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you're the first guy I ever texted "C-SPAN and chill?" who actually responded.
Yeah, sorry it took so long to do this.
My schedule has just been crazy.
Oh, congressman sleeping in the back drink.
Mm, streaker, drink.
No, wait, that's just Nancy Pelosi wearing a nude-colored pantsuit.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Excuse me, Mr.
Speaker, I call to the bedroom floor the Senator from Sex-achusetts.
Oh, hey, I gotta go.
What? Wait, why? Oh, no, is it 'cause of the burnt bone smell? My neighbors practice SanterÃa.
I would complain, but sometimes I cough up gold coins No, it's just something really important has just come up, I'm so sorry.
[DOOR THUDS.]
[GAGS.]
Yeah.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Hey.
I just got a very promising lead.
You know that vegan health food brand, Smug Meadow Farms? Oh, yeah, yeah, I love their dried prune snacks.
They totally clean me out because they're so expensive.
- Money, not poop.
- I just got a tip that they haven't been disclosing all of their ingredients, and there's no one to hold them accountable ever since the president replace the head of the FDA with Chester Cheetah.
Oh, my God, that's huge.
And of course, you're gonna give the story to Gene.
Well, it's not fair, man.
I work longer hours than everyone here.
No, Katie, I'm telling you because I want you to produce it.
I totally agree.
You work really hard.
Okay, cool, yeah.
If you want me to do it, I'll do it, whatever.
Ugh, come on.
Oh, I'm so in love I have to get flowers at work to prove I'm in a good relationship.
Ooh, they're for me.
This is proof I'm in a good relationship.
Who's the guy? Are you still dating that McDonald's janitor? No, and he wasn't a McDonald's janitor when I dated him.
He got fired for shoving a kid.
No, this is a new guy I'm seeing Jeremy.
Why'd he get you flowers? Oh, 'cause he had to bail on our date last night.
- Isn't that sweet? - More like shady.
Guys only send flowers for three reasons Anniversary, Valentine's Day, got Amber Rose pregnant.
No, he's just thoughtful, unlike that janitor.
For our two-month anniversary, he surprised me with a haircut while I was asleep.
Tell me this Have you ever been to his place? Well, no, but Is he secretive about phone calls? Yeah, but I mean, what's wrong with wanting some privacy? I wish I had some.
My mom insisted on co-sleeping up until this morning.
I hate to break it to you, but you're a sidepiece.
This guy has a girlfriend and you ain't it.
No, I'm not a sidepiece.
Sure, and I'm not Banksy.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hey, Greg, you wanted to see me? Yes, Carol, unfortunately someone in the office filed a complaint against you.
You Japanese have such beautiful hair.
I'm not Japanese.
Oh, good, so I can tell you a funny joke my father wrote during Pearl Harbor.
You have to attend sensitivity training today after work.
- Come on, Greg.
- I'm not racist.
It's MMN policy.
You have to go.
Fine, can I at least bring Angie and we go to the Olive Garden instead of this? No, Carol! [LAUGHS.]
[GROANS.]
Okay.
'Sup, Rookie? Chuck, what are you doing here? The same thing I've done every night for the past 11 years.
I've committed so many offenses I'll be here until the day I die.
Welcome to hell.
So, I take Will Shortz's parking space and he says, "You'll be sorry.
" Now, I think he's gonna turn me into, like, a snarky crossword clue or something, then he just beats me to a pulp.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hey, I was thinking, why don't we go to your place tonight? Really? Um But we always go to your place.
I know, let's switch it up.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Oh.
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I gotta take this.
Oh, he's not talking to his girlfriend.
I'm not a sidepiece.
Well, if you'd like to be, Oswald and I have an open relationship.
Oh.
Pass.
Yeah, that sounds great, honey.
We'll grill franks at the house this weekend.
Oh, my God.
Portia was right.
I am a sidepiece.
Ooh I told you no, young lady! Good evening.
My name is Joyce and I'll be conducting your sensitivity training.
Please do pay attention.
There will be a quiz at the end.
That should be easy for me.
I'm not racist against anyone except Italians from Bologna.
May their tails get caught in a windmill.
Sensitivity is about making work a "safe space" so no one is made to feel "less than" or "other.
" An easy place to start is with gender semantics.
Now, say you work with a cisgender male who identifies as homosexual.
What would be an appropriate pronoun to use? RuPaul? No.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
You got one right? Nerd.
I don't understand.
How did I fail? Does this mean that I'm a bad person? No, of course not, Carol.
It's the stupid PC culture.
That's the problem.
There's a new offensive word every day.
It's bad to call someone sissy now? That was my mother's name! Yeah, I'm nice.
I don't see color.
I once walked into a black church and I didn't even notice until I realized I was having fun! People are too sensitive these days.
It's not us that needs to change.
You know who really needs to learn a lesson? BOTH: Everyone in this office besides us.
Katie, Katie.
How's that Smug Meadow Farms piece coming? Great I spent all morning on the phone with a quality control officer that used to work there.
Get this: their vegan protein patties contain meat.
From people? No, just meat.
Oh.
That's still really bad though, isn't it? Keep at it.
Hey, Portia, you were right.
Last night I caught Jeremy talking to his girlfriend.
I'm so sorry.
What did you do to get back at him? Well, let's just say revenge is a dish best served cold, by which I mean I went home and Postmated an ice cream cake.
Wait, a guy cheated on you and you did nothing? Haven't you ever heard of the country song that I recorded after my break up with some hockey guy? What you gonna cheat with now, you genius? Now that I've gone and destroyed your pe Jeez, I was just gonna never speak to him again and then Facebook-stalk him and every woman he ever dates until one of us dies.
Katie, you owe it to yourself and women everywhere to make him pay for what he did.
But just remember If you kill him, he can't live on to tell your story.
Bye, have fun.
[WHISPERING.]
Bye.
[CLAPPING.]
Great show, everyone! Where is everybody? Oh, for God's sake.
What did you two do? We didn't do anything.
Your insensitive staff offended us.
- Hey, guys.
- I'm not a guy.
Gender discrimination.
[SNEEZES LOUDLY.]
God bless you.
God? Offended! Oh, so I guess you couldn't be a delivery woman.
Triggered.
Aw, thanks, dude.
Dude? I don't identify as a cowboy! I need a safe space! Gun violence continues Guns have triggers.
Triggered! And we're out.
Thanks, guys.
That was on television.
So you reported the entire staff.
We just wanted to prove that this PC stuff has gone too far.
Anything could be considered insensitive these days.
That might have been a cool take a few years ago, but this is 2017.
The President just asked Congress to fund something called Bitch Jail.
There are literal Nazis in the street.
We had one on the show last night.
Wait, that guy with the Hitler haircut wasn't David Beckham? Okay, I need to cancel my dinner plans.
Look, you two are by far the oldest people in the office.
Stop acting like babies.
Ageism! Joyce, I don't feel safe.
You are going to fry for this.
Chuck, sit down.
I'm afraid he's right.
Okay, Katie, you can do this.
You are a strong, independent woman and you deserve to drink a cool, refreshing Gatorade.
Ugh, I should've just paid for the ad-free affirmations app.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I like that.
Oh, my God, he's with her right now.
I am gonna destroy your Don't stop, no, no, no, more of this.
- Wait, what? - Give it to me, big boy.
Give it uh, Katie.
What the hell are you doing? Uh, working.
What are you doing? I thought you were having sex.
Why would you think that? Oh, did you hear me yell "Who's your daddy?" - when I reached my word count? - No.
Good, 'cause I didn't.
No, I like my job a normal amount.
Wait, so you're not seeing someone else? No, no, of course not.
Well, then, how come we never come back here? Well, I mean, look at my place.
[LAUGHING.]
It's kind of pathetic.
I don't even have a real refrigerator.
I just have an old fan blowing on a stack of American cheese.
Oh.
But why are you so secretive about your phone? Well, I gotta protect my sources.
You know, my calls and texts contain a lot of sensitive information.
Oh.
Maybe I should be doing that.
My password is "password" and my secret question is "How's it going?" But no I heard you talking on the phone.
You called someone "honey" and said you were gonna grill franks at the house this weekend.
Yeah, I said I was gonna grill as in interview Congressman Trent Franks at the House of Representatives.
And my editor's name is Hun Ni.
She's Chinese.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh.
That's her calling right now.
[BUZZING.]
Okay, so I guess we're okay then.
Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
Sorry.
Oh, except I think someone keyed "die bastard" on the side of your car.
Friggin' Will Shortz.
[SIGH.]
How do you stop a guy that's got no fear? So this PC nonsense isn't so easy, is it, Greg? How about a friendly wager? If you pass the sensitivity quiz, I will end my own life.
- Greg passed.
- No, Greg! [SOBBING.]
I wanna live! You call yourself sensitive? You would let a man die for, what, a bet? Actually, everyone passed, except Chuck and Carol.
What? How? Because we aren't the problem, Carol, you two are.
Ms.
Joyce, is there any way I can get extra credit? Like, stay late and clean the African-American board? No.
[SIGHS.]
- Katie? - How'd you get my real number? I mean, what's up? I just wanted to let you know that you were wrong about Jeremy.
He wasn't cheating; he's just really into his job, Right, Jer? Jer? Jer? He's so busy.
Anyway, I am not a sidepiece.
Everything is amazing.
No, Katie, dating a workaholic is so much worse.
[WHISPERING.]
Come on, you never react right.
If work is a guy's first love, you can't compete.
When I dated Steve Harvey, the only way that I could see him was by posing as a seven-year-old breakdancer on "Little Big Shots.
" Well, that's not a problem for us, right, Jeremy? Jeremy? Jeremy? [WHISPERING HARSHLY.]
Jeremy, please.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
You are wrong, and I'm gonna prove it.
Hey, what do you say we take a little break from work [SCREAMS.]
My beautiful papers.
Okay, we need to talk.
Look, I get that you love your job.
I love my job too, but we need to be able to make time for each other.
I feel like we do that, I mean, didn't you see where I wrote, "Hey, Katie," in the middle of that prison reform article? I see what you mean.
Oh, hey guys.
Can I ask you a question? How did you pass that test? It was impossible.
That test wasn't hard if you don't live in a bubble.
Look, I'm black and I was raised by two dads, so you can imagine what my childhood was like.
That must've been tough.
But I'd watch the heck out of that show.
Growing up Jewish in Alaska wasn't easy either.
It's so cold there, and I'm afraid of bears.
I don't wanna be insensitive, guys, but it's confusing.
Greg, Portia.
How are white Americans like us supposed to keep track of it all? Um, I'm half black.
What? - And I'm not American.
- I'm British.
Huh? But because of my accent, people always assume that I know what I'm talking about, and I don't.
I've got an eighth grade education.
So, you know, American college.
Oh, boo-hoo, we all got our problems.
For example [GRUNTS.]
I just crushed my testicles on that banister; you don't see me crying about it.
No, no, Chuck, I get it now.
It's not this PC stuff that's complicated.
It's people that are complicated.
No, Carol, they are hypnotizing you with this snowflake nonsense; don't listen to them.
Listen to me, and look at this enticing coin.
See it shine? Isn't this nice, taking a break from work? - Ugh, yeah.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, oh my gosh.
I'm sorry, I thought I turned that off.
So tell me why they call "The New York Times" the Grey Lady? Oh, fascinating story.
So, apparently, on the set of "Dirty Dancing," Jennifer Grey - [UTENSIL CLANKING.]
- Oh! Clumsy me, I dropped my fork No! I loved the one I dropped! What is this work emergency? Our Smug Meadow Farms source just leaked confidential docs and Katie, the meat is bonobo.
[WHISPERING.]
My God! That's as close as you can get to people They use tools, and they have sex for pleasure.
Okay, fine, I'll be there.
Katie, you okay? Wha oh, yeah.
I'm so, so, sorry.
Picking up this fork reminded me that I need to pick pick on the old banjo.
That's right, my bluegrass band has a show tonight.
What are we called? You know what? Don't ask me now, okay? You've never shown the slightest interest in my band! [TENSE MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
Let's do this.
[THE WEEKND'S "EARNED IT" PLAYING.]
You make it look like it's magic Oh, yeah 'Cause I see nobody Nobody but you, you, you I'm never confused Hey, hey I'm so used to being used So I love when you call unexpected You're right, that did not make typing twice as fast.
No.
'Cause I hate - [SQUEAKING.]
- [PANTING.]
What the hell's going on here? [GASPS.]
Jeremy.
Um, okay.
You know what, this is not what it looks like.
It's, um, we're just We're having sex.
Yeah, right.
You're working! Aw, you're as bad as I am.
At least I know that I'm addicted to my job.
Addicted? [STAMMERS.]
I do lots of stuff besides my job, okay? I sleep.
I've got my bluegrass band.
What are we called? Uh Look, Katie, I could've been at home banging out as many stories as I wanted to tonight, but I didn't.
I met you halfway.
I hate to bring this up right now, but I have an STD.
A strict time deadline.
Katie, we've got to get back to work.
Wayne, thank you for recommending the autobiography of Professor X.
This guy's crazy.
I said Malcolm X, Carol.
You know, I guess some problems are so systemic you can't solve them in a day.
I've solved racism.
I thought about what you all said last night, and it made me realize something.
Nothing! There is too much sensitivity out there.
Well, you know who gets it worse than anyone? - Chuck, no! - White men.
People say whatever they want about us.
And do we complain? No.
We take it with a smile.
Of all the things that white men have given society, what are the four greatest? - Clarinet-based jazz.
- I didn't say anything.
Close-up magic.
Stadium magic.
And the roast the last bastion of free speech in America, where you can say whatever you want without offending anybody.
And today, you folks are the emcees.
Have a seat.
And I am going to show you how to take a joke.
Now, I know you'll all need some time to prepare.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, all right.
[CHUCKLES.]
They say that comedy comes from truth.
Well, the truth is that I once saw Chuck eating alone at the Times Square Chili's on Christmas Eve.
[LAUGHTER.]
I don't know why Chuck isn't a network anchor.
[LAUGHING.]
So true! I mean, what does David Muir have that Chuck doesn't? Besides decades longer to live.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
That's fun ow.
Ow, that's funny.
I am the same age my father was when he died.
What's the deal with the smell in Chuck's office? I mean, am I in a nursing home? Am I in a teenager's bedroom? What is going on? [LAUGHTER.]
Knock, knock, Wayne.
Who's there, Portia? A white majority.
Well, not for long, according to prevailing demographic trends.
[LAUGHTER.]
Come on, guys.
Leave Chuck alone.
He has his struggles like everybody else.
Did you know that his feet are a size two? He has to stuff his shoes with an entire newspaper.
[LAUGHTER.]
Stop it! Stop.
That's not a joke.
Did you know that his hair plugs are poisoning him? [LAUGHTER.]
Chuck Pierce looks like if you carved a head out of an apple and left it on the radiator.
[LAUGHTER.]
So what's this meeting about, anyway? [FAKE LAUGHS.]
This is so fun.
That's why I'm now wearing sunglasses.
[SNIFFS.]
[SNIFFS.]
Katie.
- What are you doing here? - I came to apologize.
I've been giving you a really hard time, and I didn't realize I'm a workaholic too.
Yeah.
You know, on Fridays you always say, "TGIAMA.
" Thank God it's almost Monday again.
But why does that have to be a bad thing? You know, I love my job, and one of the reasons I like you is that you have a job and can pay for dinner.
- I'm in print.
- I make $7,000 a year.
[SHUDDERS.]
I'm just saying, why should we feel bad about putting work first? Totally.
Yeah, you know, this could be kind of perfect.
I'm finally with someone who gets it.
Yes! Yes.
Okay, so I have to go back to the office, but what are you doing this weekend? Oh, uh, busy this weekend.
We're actually having a bake sale to help keep the paper afloat for another week.
Yeah, well, next week's actually bad for me.
- What about next month? - Oh, can't do it.
I'm actually going deep undercover as Bernie Sanders' aunt.
Ohh.
Can't remember why.
Early November looks good.
- Oh, except for post-Halloween - Mid-term elections.
Mid-term elections.
Oh, okay.
Okay, I think I found a winner.
I will see you February 14, 2019.
Ooh, but are we ready to do Valentine's Day? These topics are not funny.
So they're off limits.
But there's still plenty you can rib me about: my way with animals, how I have the biggest office I wonder what that's compensating for.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hey, you know what? I only did all this to help you, and this is the thanks I get? I thought you could take a joke.
I can, but these aren't jokes, like an Asian man slipping on a banana peel.
These are hurtful like a white man slipping on a banana peel.
It makes me feel less than or, uh, other.
I don't know what the word for it is.
- Insensitivity.
- Exact oh.
Okay.
Got it.
Uh is this what you've been complaining about for the past 11 years? ALL: Yes.
- Try 400 years, Chuck.
- Oh, not this again.
You know what, Wayne, let me tell you oops.
Sorry, I hear it.
I will, uh, work on it.
And every day, the dog walks to its owner's grave as a reminder to all humans that he'll kill anyone who gets in his way.
- Chuck? - Thanks, Portia.
Coming up eek, eek, ook, ook.
Sounds you'd expect to hear at the zoo.
But from your veggie burger? A "Breakdown" exclusive when we return.
Great job with that story.
You really hit it for six.
Uh, sorry cricket.
What's an American sports term? Oh, I don't know.
- You all right? - [SIGHS.]
Jeremy and I broke up.
It's fine.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm too busy for human relationships anyway.
I gotta go watch 8 hours of senate hearings - on C-SPAN.
- Have you ever played the C-SPAN drinking game, where you take a drink every time Al Franken comes back to steal office supplies.
Stop it.
I, like I invented that game.
You wouldn't wanna watch it with me, would you? Yeah.
That sounds fun.
You know what, I can't.
My cat has a Flea problem.
She used to date the bassist from Red Hot Chili Peppers, and he's still in love with her.
Got you.
- Maybe some other time.
- Yeah.
Yeah.