Green Acres (1965) s01e03 Episode Script
The Decorator
1 OLIVER: Green acres is the place to be ÂÅ Farm livin' is the life for me ÂÅ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ÂÅ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside ÂÅ LISA: New York Is where I'd rather stay I get allergic Smelling hay ÂÅ I just adore a penthouse view ÂÅ Darling, I love you But give me Park Avenue The chores The stores Fresh air Times Square You are my wife Good-bye, city life Green acres, we are there by MGM home entertainment LISA: Aah! Lisa, Lisa.
Lisa, Lisa.
Wake up.
Wake up.
What's the matter? Ohh.
I had the most horrible nightmare.
I dreamt that you bought a farm in You did.
You did.
You did! You did! Mom, did you hear all that screaming? Uncle Joe wants his breakfast? No, it was a woman's voice.
She kept screaming you did, you did! Boy, she sounded hysterical.
Wh-what do you mean hysterical? Oh, like the way you sounded When uncle Joe brought home That boxing kangaroo.
That must have been Mrs.
Douglas.
She woke up and realized where she was.
Yeah.
I guess that could be Pretty frightening.
Oh, worse than a boxing kangaroo.
You know something.
I'd better go over there And see if she's all right.
Good morning.
OLIVER: Ahh.
You're feeling better? I did until I came in here.
What time is it? My watch stopped.
5:30.
It didn't stop.
Who gets up so early? Everybody in the country.
Let's move back to the city.
OLIVER: You'll feel better After you've had breakfast.
Who's going to cook it? Oh.
Now, well.
Eh.
I want to talk to you about that.
What is there to talk about? About who's cooking.
Darling, when we got married, I promised to love, honor, and obey.
I said nothing about cooking.
There's nothing to it.
You just put some stuff in a pot, And you stick it on the stove.
I've already started the fire.
Oliver.
I'll get some more wood.
Oh, what am I supposed to cook? Wheat cakes, uh, bacon and eggs.
Anything you like.
Wonder if he'd like a cheese omelet.
[snap.]
Aah! I should have listened to mother And stayed in New York.
Hooterville.
H-o-o-t.
But I've already spelled it for you 8 times.
What's the matter with your travel agency? You've taken me to Rome, Pakistan, Singapore, Copenhagen.
Can't you find a simple little place like hooterville? Of course, it's in the United States.
He wouldn't dare take that dear, sweet girl Out of the country without my permission.
Well, find it.
Book me on the next plane and call me back! [click.]
Oh! Courage, darling.
Mother's on her way.
LISA: Darling, are you all right? I just got a chill.
Are you catching a cold? No.
When I walked through the door, I got a feeling of impending doom.
I get the same feeling every time I walk in here.
That's enough wood for you to make breakfast.
Even if I knew how to cook, What am I supposed to make? Well, this is a farm.
Find some eggs or something.
[knocking.]
Who's that? If it's anyone who can cook, Send them right in.
Who's there? Mr.
Haney.
Oh.
[rattling.]
Look, you want You push the door, while I turn.
Ohh.
Good morning, Mr.
Douglas.
[sighs.]
Good morning.
This never happened when I owned the place.
One thing I always took care of Was my doorknobs.
Yeah.
That's all you did take care of.
I just dropped over about the cots.
Now, if you want to use them again tonight, You you're welcome both.
Thank you.
Cost you another dollar.
What? Well, I just rented them to you For the night.
The sun's up.
That'll be another dollar In advance.
Don't you trust me? Well, with most things, But not with them cots.
They're antiques.
They went up San joo-Wan hill With Teddy Roosevelt.
There you are.
Thank you.
Now, would you be needing anything else? No, no, no.
Thank you.
Well then, I guess I'll be Oh, by the way how's eb doing for you? Oh, he's fine.
So far.
Oh, he's a good worker.
I'm glad you kept him.
I'd like to say hello to him.
Where is he? He's back in the barn.
He's trying to find A table and some chairs for our kitchen.
I don't believe he's gonna find any.
Uh, you wouldn't happen to know where we Might find some, would you? Uh, let's see.
Seems to be I did see a set just the other day.
Now, where did Oh, I remember.
On the truck.
On the truck.
I'll make you a good buy on them.
No, no, no.
I don't want to buy them.
Uh, we're having all our furniture Shipped out from New York.
Well, I could rent them To you for say $2.
00 a day, Payable daily at sundown.
$2.
00! Well, they're antiques.
Yeah, I know.
Teddy Roosevelt captured them Off the top of San Juan hill.
Oh, you heard the story.
Yeah, I heard the story.
There's your $2.
00.
You want me to give you a hand To carry them into the kitchen? Yeah, would you? For 50 cents.
Just get them off the truck! I'll get eb to help me! Well, can't win 'em all.
[cackling.]
OK.
Just 3 eggs.
Just sit down somewhere.
Now, please die.
Just 3 eggs.
Come on.
Don't be so difficult.
Darling.
Well, you know how to do it.
Even if he does, I don't think he'll be able to.
Mrs.
Bradley.
That's a rooster.
Oh, a man chicken.
I was counting on him for breakfast.
Well, I wouldn't.
You see, like most men, He just struts around, makes a lot of noise While the women do all the work.
I, uh, brought you some things for breakfast.
I figured you might need them.
Oh, thank you.
Let's see now.
We have coffee and flour And sugar and bacon and eggs.
Ohh, good.
Ha ha ha.
I think that's all you're gonna need.
Except one thing.
A cook.
You can't cook? Mm-mmm.
Well, when Mr.
Douglas proposed to you, Didn't he ask No, I guess he wouldn't.
Come on.
Let's see what we can do.
I think they're about ready to turn over.
Me? You gotta solo sometime.
Now what? You flip it over.
I think you should've had A little more practice making batter.
We should have started with something easier Like boiled eggs.
How do you do that? There you go.
Heh heh.
Do you think that Oliver will really believe That I made these? Oh, I think so.
OLIVER: Ooh, easy, easy.
I had to give Mr.
Haney a $25 deposit on this.
Morning, Mr.
Douglas.
Oh, Mrs.
Bradley.
Darling, guess what? Mrs.
Bradley brought over breakfast, And I cooked it With her help.
Oh, I don't want any credit.
Ohh.
They're beautiful.
Oh, I hope they taste as good as they look.
I hope they taste better than that.
Taste one.
Heh heh.
Uh.
Ha ha.
Uh.
[snap.]
Well? It's chewy.
Um, eb, wh where did this come from? Mr.
Douglas rented It from Mr.
Haney For $2.
00 a day.
Oh, it looks familiar.
Ahh.
Now I recognize it.
Um, I gave this to the salvation army 5 years ago.
It needs something underneath To shore it up.
[rattles.]
LISA: Darling, Would you like to have another pancake? No, thank you.
That one did the trick.
And on the farm, planning involves Taking stock of the resources That are available to the individual farmer And deciding on the best way to use them.
Now, that's what we've gotta do today Is take stock of our resources.
This is a very helpful pamphlet.
Who puts that out? The department of agriculture.
Mr.
Haney used to talk to them about once a year.
They always told him what the best crop was to plant For plowing under.
I am not gonna grow any crops to plow under! Mr.
Haney used to say there was big money in it.
Did Mrs.
Bradley go? Yes.
Wasn't that nice of her To bring over all those things? Lisa, that's what I mean about the country.
People are neighborly.
They help each other.
Darling, would you like to have some coffee? This is the first pot of coffee I've ever made in my life.
Is that coffee? How 'bout that? I've been using it on the hot cakes.
Would you like to have some more? Oh, no, no, no.
We have to get to work.
Well, where are you going? We're going out to plan the farm For profit and stability.
Before you plan the farm, You'd better plan the house.
If we are going to live here, You'd better get it fixed up.
Lisa, the house is your responsibility.
My responsibility?! Of course.
Well, I didn't have any Excuse me.
Uh Do you want me to wait outside Or stay for the argument? Wait outside.
That's what Mr.
Haney always used to say.
Darling.
I don't want to argue with you.
I just want to say something.
But every time you say You just want to say something, It ends up in an argument.
I only want to make a simple statement.
I am leaving.
You're leaving? Yes.
You promised you'd stay for 6 months! Well, I stayed last night.
It was the longest 6 months I've ever spent.
Is something wrong? Is something wrong? What's the matter with this? Well.
I-I admit it takes a little repair Here, now, I'll get to that.
When? Um, after harvest time is finished.
When I get more time.
And I'm packed.
You drive me to the station? No, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I am serious.
If it's that important to you, all right.
I'll get the place fixed up for you.
When? Well, today is Wednesday.
By the time I fix Good-bye.
No, no! All right! I'll start today! This morning.
This morning.
What is it you want me to do? I don't know.
I first have to talk it over With an interior decorator.
Where are you gonna find an interior decorator? In New York.
I'll be packed in 15 minutes.
No, no, no! I'll find one! I'll find one.
No, no, please.
If there's one within 500 miles, I'll find him.
Just don't go away.
Go and practice your cooking.
[thump.]
Don't go away.
Mr.
Douglas, there's something I gotta No, no.
not now.
Put the hood down.
But, Mr.
Douglas Never mind.
I'm in a hurry.
[starts engine.]
That's what I wanted to tell you.
Good morning, Mr.
drucker.
DRUCKER: Morning, Mr.
Douglas.
Oh, what I need I know just what you're going to ask me for.
What's that? That's a screw for your front doorknob.
Save you climbing in and out of the window.
Well, but what I I got some of that, too.
Roll of electric tape, So you can splice the wire you busted Dragging the cot out the window.
What have you got going on around here? A bush telegraph or something? Eh, just keep my ear to the ground.
I hear Kate brought you over the makings for breakfast.
Yes.
Yes, she was.
You ought to stock up.
I got a great deal for you.
The honeymooners' special.
What's that? Newlyweds are always coming in here pestering me For some kind of list of what they needed To set up housekeeping.
So, I got up this list, Which includes all the basic necessities For married life for $18, for which you get A completely equipped kitchen, including one cookbook, One can opener, one coffee pot, one frying pan, one stew pot, One all-purpose pot, one dish towel, and one scouring pad.
Oh, that's very nice, but For the bathroom, you get one bar of perfumed soap, 2 toothbrushes, a bottle of brilliantine, 2 face towels, 2 bath towels, and a nonskid bath mat.
Well, I don't For the bedroom, 2 sheets, 2 pillows, 2 pillowcases, 2 padded coat hangers, a hot water bottle, 2 blankets, One army and one navy.
Well, what I came for was Now, if you want to go all out, I got the deluxe special.
For $8 more, you can add to the above one side of bacon, One can of coffee, 3 cans of succotash, One can of creamed corn, 2 cans of apple sauce, 2 cans of beans, one jar of jam, salt, pepper, vinegar, Pound of assorted crackers, Large jar of maraschino cherries, And a can of genuine sardines.
Well, what I In addition, you get such luxury items As stove black, a lamp wick trimmer, A door mat with "welcome" spelled out in 3 colors, A flashlight, a shaving mirror, And your choice of either of these 2 framed mottos.
Uh, no.
No, thank you I know it ain't an easy decision.
Well, think it over.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Uh I forgot what I Came in oh! Oh, yes.
Uh, this might seem like a silly question to you, But do you know where I could get in touch with a decorator? That's not a silly question.
We got one of the finest decorators In the state living right up in Pixley.
Roland Wilson.
Pixley? Well, he lives there 'cause he's kind of semi-retired.
Is he any good? Oh, he's done work for some Of the most important people in the state, Including the governor.
I'd put him up against any of your New York decorators.
Oh, that'll make my wife very happy.
How could I get in touch with him? Well, I'll give him a ring for you.
Sarah's a little slow plugging in.
Uh, Sarah? Sam.
Could you connect me with Roland Wilson in Pixley? [line buzzes.]
Sarah, stop snapping your key! Hello? Rollie, I got a job for you.
Yeah, there's A Mr.
Douglas here Douglas.
he bought the Haney place.
Yeah, yeah.
The Haney place.
No, he don't look like a drinking man to me.
What? Are you in a hurry? Yes, I am.
Yes.
He is.
Oh, well, thanks, Rollie.
He'll drop by to see you this afternoon.
Oh, thank you, thank You've saved my life, Mr.
drucker.
Well, how about showing your gratitude With the honeymoon special? Well, no, I don't think I Is something wrong? Yes.
I just had the same kind of a chill I had this morning.
[crash.]
Enjoying your ride, ma'am? I am going to write To the interstate commerce commission About this train.
Well, any kind word will be appreciated.
The old cannonball's running pretty smooth today.
Rides pretty good since we fixed the track.
Then why is it bumping so? Well, we ain't fixed the wheels yet.
When do we get to hooterville? Well, we're scheduled TO ARRIVE AT 1:27.
And are we on time? Yep.
We'll pull in right on the nose.
4:45.
[crash.]
This don't mean we're engaged.
Oh! And the decorator will be here.
This afternoon.
Is he any good? Good? He did the governor's place.
Really? Oh, of course.
He's going to have this Looking like a palace in no time And I've got another surprise for you.
What is that? Everything we need to set up housekeeping.
Hey.
I see you got the honeymoon special.
Yeah.
The deluxe deal! I sure am glad you got this one.
I'm not much of a home, sweet home.
Succotash! Look at green beans! Genuine sardines.
Mr.
Douglas, I just remembered something.
What? It's time for lunch.
[bubbling.]
Dear.
Would you like to have another pancake? Uh, no, thanks.
No, thanks.
That's fine.
How are they? Oh, they're just great.
OLIVER: Aren't they, eb? I'll let you know as soon as I get one cut.
Maybe you'd like to eat your lunch out under a tree.
I'd rather eat at the hooterville diner.
No offense, Mrs.
Douglas.
Pay no attention to him.
He's not used to good city cooking.
Eb was right.
They're not very good, are they? Well, this is only your second meal.
It gets better each time.
It's no use.
Oh, don't worry.
Ah, plea everything is going to be fine.
Pretty soon the decorator will be here.
Excuse me.
Now look.
He came back for a second helping.
No.
I didn't.
I just came in to tell you There's a lady outside.
Who is it? I don't know.
Why didn't you ask her? I couldn't.
She fainted.
Oh, mother! Mother.
Mother! No wonder I got Cold chills.
What happened? I don't know.
I picked her up at the depot, drove her out.
She got out of the truck, Took one look at the house And keeled over.
I can understand that.
Yeah.
I guess the rustic beauty Is kinda overwhelming.
I couldn't find any smelling salts, But try this.
[coughing.]
This liniment's great For rubbing horses, too.
Come along, darling.
Come on.
You'll be all right.
I take you into the house.
Oh, no! It's still there! Oh, Oliver, how could you bring This poor, defenseless child to this this oh! Pack your things.
You're leaving.
No.
She's not leaving.
Don't shout at mother.
I can shout at her.
She's my mother.
Well, she's my mother-in-law.
It's not natural for anybody To like their own mother-in-law.
I don't like your mother.
Oliver! Oh, darling.
Don't bother arguing.
We'll have you packed and back in New York Before dinner.
Speaking of dinner.
Nobody's speaking of dinner.
Come along, now.
Now, wait a second! Uh, uh, Mr.
Douglas, that'll be a dollar.
For bringing the lady out.
A dollar? Well, I don't 'spect a tip.
You're not getting one.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Douglas.
Maybe you can spend it.
You sure can't eat it.
The room was too much for her.
Come on, darling.
Help me.
There you are, dear.
[groans.]
Go pack your clothes.
You are not staying inside this depressed area Another second.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Mr.
Douglas.
Not now.
I'm busy.
Uh, Sam drucker told me You wanted to see me this afternoon.
I'm Roland Wilson.
Well! The decorator.
This is the decorator.
I told you I'd get one.
Lisa, are you coming? Oh, darling, I promised Oliver If he gets a decorator I'll stay.
You don't have to keep a promise.
You're a woman! I'm also Oliver's wife.
[sighs.]
Well, if that's what you want.
No.
No, I cannot go and leave you here in this! Oh, don't worry, darling! I'll be all right.
Well, if you change your mind, You know you always have a home with me.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, mother.
Oh.
Good-bye, Oliver.
[sighs.]
My son.
The farming nut.
Oh, Mr.
Haney.
I'll ride back to hooterville with you.
Thank you, darling.
Darling, Mr.
Wilson.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry.
Oh, go ahead.
I'm in no hurry.
Oh, we are.
We are eager to get started.
Do you have any good ideas? Well, I kinda like to find out What the client wants.
Well, it should be lots of colors.
Gay and cheery.
Oh, that's easy.
But there's one thing I have to know first.
How big a cake did you want? BOTH: Cake?! Now, the cake I decorated for the governor Was 4 feet square and 6 tiers high And it had a donkey and a mule on top.
It was strictly non-partisan.
You are a cake decorator? Best in the county.
Now, what's the occasion? Lisa, I Why not make it a moving-in cake? Oliver? OLIVER: Put out the light.
Oliver! OLIVER: I've got a surprise for you.
Happy anniversary! Oh, darling, it isn't our anniversary! Yes, it is.
It's been exactly a week that we've been here.
Mr.
Wilson just brought the cake.
Oh, it's beautiful.
What is that? That's the way our house is going to look After we get it fixed up.
Aah! Chocolate roof, mocha walls, and a vanilla fence.
Uh-huh.
Now, make a wish and blow out the candle.
I wish the windows wouldn't be pistachio.
Darling, you're crushing the cake!
Lisa, Lisa.
Wake up.
Wake up.
What's the matter? Ohh.
I had the most horrible nightmare.
I dreamt that you bought a farm in You did.
You did.
You did! You did! Mom, did you hear all that screaming? Uncle Joe wants his breakfast? No, it was a woman's voice.
She kept screaming you did, you did! Boy, she sounded hysterical.
Wh-what do you mean hysterical? Oh, like the way you sounded When uncle Joe brought home That boxing kangaroo.
That must have been Mrs.
Douglas.
She woke up and realized where she was.
Yeah.
I guess that could be Pretty frightening.
Oh, worse than a boxing kangaroo.
You know something.
I'd better go over there And see if she's all right.
Good morning.
OLIVER: Ahh.
You're feeling better? I did until I came in here.
What time is it? My watch stopped.
5:30.
It didn't stop.
Who gets up so early? Everybody in the country.
Let's move back to the city.
OLIVER: You'll feel better After you've had breakfast.
Who's going to cook it? Oh.
Now, well.
Eh.
I want to talk to you about that.
What is there to talk about? About who's cooking.
Darling, when we got married, I promised to love, honor, and obey.
I said nothing about cooking.
There's nothing to it.
You just put some stuff in a pot, And you stick it on the stove.
I've already started the fire.
Oliver.
I'll get some more wood.
Oh, what am I supposed to cook? Wheat cakes, uh, bacon and eggs.
Anything you like.
Wonder if he'd like a cheese omelet.
[snap.]
Aah! I should have listened to mother And stayed in New York.
Hooterville.
H-o-o-t.
But I've already spelled it for you 8 times.
What's the matter with your travel agency? You've taken me to Rome, Pakistan, Singapore, Copenhagen.
Can't you find a simple little place like hooterville? Of course, it's in the United States.
He wouldn't dare take that dear, sweet girl Out of the country without my permission.
Well, find it.
Book me on the next plane and call me back! [click.]
Oh! Courage, darling.
Mother's on her way.
LISA: Darling, are you all right? I just got a chill.
Are you catching a cold? No.
When I walked through the door, I got a feeling of impending doom.
I get the same feeling every time I walk in here.
That's enough wood for you to make breakfast.
Even if I knew how to cook, What am I supposed to make? Well, this is a farm.
Find some eggs or something.
[knocking.]
Who's that? If it's anyone who can cook, Send them right in.
Who's there? Mr.
Haney.
Oh.
[rattling.]
Look, you want You push the door, while I turn.
Ohh.
Good morning, Mr.
Douglas.
[sighs.]
Good morning.
This never happened when I owned the place.
One thing I always took care of Was my doorknobs.
Yeah.
That's all you did take care of.
I just dropped over about the cots.
Now, if you want to use them again tonight, You you're welcome both.
Thank you.
Cost you another dollar.
What? Well, I just rented them to you For the night.
The sun's up.
That'll be another dollar In advance.
Don't you trust me? Well, with most things, But not with them cots.
They're antiques.
They went up San joo-Wan hill With Teddy Roosevelt.
There you are.
Thank you.
Now, would you be needing anything else? No, no, no.
Thank you.
Well then, I guess I'll be Oh, by the way how's eb doing for you? Oh, he's fine.
So far.
Oh, he's a good worker.
I'm glad you kept him.
I'd like to say hello to him.
Where is he? He's back in the barn.
He's trying to find A table and some chairs for our kitchen.
I don't believe he's gonna find any.
Uh, you wouldn't happen to know where we Might find some, would you? Uh, let's see.
Seems to be I did see a set just the other day.
Now, where did Oh, I remember.
On the truck.
On the truck.
I'll make you a good buy on them.
No, no, no.
I don't want to buy them.
Uh, we're having all our furniture Shipped out from New York.
Well, I could rent them To you for say $2.
00 a day, Payable daily at sundown.
$2.
00! Well, they're antiques.
Yeah, I know.
Teddy Roosevelt captured them Off the top of San Juan hill.
Oh, you heard the story.
Yeah, I heard the story.
There's your $2.
00.
You want me to give you a hand To carry them into the kitchen? Yeah, would you? For 50 cents.
Just get them off the truck! I'll get eb to help me! Well, can't win 'em all.
[cackling.]
OK.
Just 3 eggs.
Just sit down somewhere.
Now, please die.
Just 3 eggs.
Come on.
Don't be so difficult.
Darling.
Well, you know how to do it.
Even if he does, I don't think he'll be able to.
Mrs.
Bradley.
That's a rooster.
Oh, a man chicken.
I was counting on him for breakfast.
Well, I wouldn't.
You see, like most men, He just struts around, makes a lot of noise While the women do all the work.
I, uh, brought you some things for breakfast.
I figured you might need them.
Oh, thank you.
Let's see now.
We have coffee and flour And sugar and bacon and eggs.
Ohh, good.
Ha ha ha.
I think that's all you're gonna need.
Except one thing.
A cook.
You can't cook? Mm-mmm.
Well, when Mr.
Douglas proposed to you, Didn't he ask No, I guess he wouldn't.
Come on.
Let's see what we can do.
I think they're about ready to turn over.
Me? You gotta solo sometime.
Now what? You flip it over.
I think you should've had A little more practice making batter.
We should have started with something easier Like boiled eggs.
How do you do that? There you go.
Heh heh.
Do you think that Oliver will really believe That I made these? Oh, I think so.
OLIVER: Ooh, easy, easy.
I had to give Mr.
Haney a $25 deposit on this.
Morning, Mr.
Douglas.
Oh, Mrs.
Bradley.
Darling, guess what? Mrs.
Bradley brought over breakfast, And I cooked it With her help.
Oh, I don't want any credit.
Ohh.
They're beautiful.
Oh, I hope they taste as good as they look.
I hope they taste better than that.
Taste one.
Heh heh.
Uh.
Ha ha.
Uh.
[snap.]
Well? It's chewy.
Um, eb, wh where did this come from? Mr.
Douglas rented It from Mr.
Haney For $2.
00 a day.
Oh, it looks familiar.
Ahh.
Now I recognize it.
Um, I gave this to the salvation army 5 years ago.
It needs something underneath To shore it up.
[rattles.]
LISA: Darling, Would you like to have another pancake? No, thank you.
That one did the trick.
And on the farm, planning involves Taking stock of the resources That are available to the individual farmer And deciding on the best way to use them.
Now, that's what we've gotta do today Is take stock of our resources.
This is a very helpful pamphlet.
Who puts that out? The department of agriculture.
Mr.
Haney used to talk to them about once a year.
They always told him what the best crop was to plant For plowing under.
I am not gonna grow any crops to plow under! Mr.
Haney used to say there was big money in it.
Did Mrs.
Bradley go? Yes.
Wasn't that nice of her To bring over all those things? Lisa, that's what I mean about the country.
People are neighborly.
They help each other.
Darling, would you like to have some coffee? This is the first pot of coffee I've ever made in my life.
Is that coffee? How 'bout that? I've been using it on the hot cakes.
Would you like to have some more? Oh, no, no, no.
We have to get to work.
Well, where are you going? We're going out to plan the farm For profit and stability.
Before you plan the farm, You'd better plan the house.
If we are going to live here, You'd better get it fixed up.
Lisa, the house is your responsibility.
My responsibility?! Of course.
Well, I didn't have any Excuse me.
Uh Do you want me to wait outside Or stay for the argument? Wait outside.
That's what Mr.
Haney always used to say.
Darling.
I don't want to argue with you.
I just want to say something.
But every time you say You just want to say something, It ends up in an argument.
I only want to make a simple statement.
I am leaving.
You're leaving? Yes.
You promised you'd stay for 6 months! Well, I stayed last night.
It was the longest 6 months I've ever spent.
Is something wrong? Is something wrong? What's the matter with this? Well.
I-I admit it takes a little repair Here, now, I'll get to that.
When? Um, after harvest time is finished.
When I get more time.
And I'm packed.
You drive me to the station? No, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I am serious.
If it's that important to you, all right.
I'll get the place fixed up for you.
When? Well, today is Wednesday.
By the time I fix Good-bye.
No, no! All right! I'll start today! This morning.
This morning.
What is it you want me to do? I don't know.
I first have to talk it over With an interior decorator.
Where are you gonna find an interior decorator? In New York.
I'll be packed in 15 minutes.
No, no, no! I'll find one! I'll find one.
No, no, please.
If there's one within 500 miles, I'll find him.
Just don't go away.
Go and practice your cooking.
[thump.]
Don't go away.
Mr.
Douglas, there's something I gotta No, no.
not now.
Put the hood down.
But, Mr.
Douglas Never mind.
I'm in a hurry.
[starts engine.]
That's what I wanted to tell you.
Good morning, Mr.
drucker.
DRUCKER: Morning, Mr.
Douglas.
Oh, what I need I know just what you're going to ask me for.
What's that? That's a screw for your front doorknob.
Save you climbing in and out of the window.
Well, but what I I got some of that, too.
Roll of electric tape, So you can splice the wire you busted Dragging the cot out the window.
What have you got going on around here? A bush telegraph or something? Eh, just keep my ear to the ground.
I hear Kate brought you over the makings for breakfast.
Yes.
Yes, she was.
You ought to stock up.
I got a great deal for you.
The honeymooners' special.
What's that? Newlyweds are always coming in here pestering me For some kind of list of what they needed To set up housekeeping.
So, I got up this list, Which includes all the basic necessities For married life for $18, for which you get A completely equipped kitchen, including one cookbook, One can opener, one coffee pot, one frying pan, one stew pot, One all-purpose pot, one dish towel, and one scouring pad.
Oh, that's very nice, but For the bathroom, you get one bar of perfumed soap, 2 toothbrushes, a bottle of brilliantine, 2 face towels, 2 bath towels, and a nonskid bath mat.
Well, I don't For the bedroom, 2 sheets, 2 pillows, 2 pillowcases, 2 padded coat hangers, a hot water bottle, 2 blankets, One army and one navy.
Well, what I came for was Now, if you want to go all out, I got the deluxe special.
For $8 more, you can add to the above one side of bacon, One can of coffee, 3 cans of succotash, One can of creamed corn, 2 cans of apple sauce, 2 cans of beans, one jar of jam, salt, pepper, vinegar, Pound of assorted crackers, Large jar of maraschino cherries, And a can of genuine sardines.
Well, what I In addition, you get such luxury items As stove black, a lamp wick trimmer, A door mat with "welcome" spelled out in 3 colors, A flashlight, a shaving mirror, And your choice of either of these 2 framed mottos.
Uh, no.
No, thank you I know it ain't an easy decision.
Well, think it over.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Uh I forgot what I Came in oh! Oh, yes.
Uh, this might seem like a silly question to you, But do you know where I could get in touch with a decorator? That's not a silly question.
We got one of the finest decorators In the state living right up in Pixley.
Roland Wilson.
Pixley? Well, he lives there 'cause he's kind of semi-retired.
Is he any good? Oh, he's done work for some Of the most important people in the state, Including the governor.
I'd put him up against any of your New York decorators.
Oh, that'll make my wife very happy.
How could I get in touch with him? Well, I'll give him a ring for you.
Sarah's a little slow plugging in.
Uh, Sarah? Sam.
Could you connect me with Roland Wilson in Pixley? [line buzzes.]
Sarah, stop snapping your key! Hello? Rollie, I got a job for you.
Yeah, there's A Mr.
Douglas here Douglas.
he bought the Haney place.
Yeah, yeah.
The Haney place.
No, he don't look like a drinking man to me.
What? Are you in a hurry? Yes, I am.
Yes.
He is.
Oh, well, thanks, Rollie.
He'll drop by to see you this afternoon.
Oh, thank you, thank You've saved my life, Mr.
drucker.
Well, how about showing your gratitude With the honeymoon special? Well, no, I don't think I Is something wrong? Yes.
I just had the same kind of a chill I had this morning.
[crash.]
Enjoying your ride, ma'am? I am going to write To the interstate commerce commission About this train.
Well, any kind word will be appreciated.
The old cannonball's running pretty smooth today.
Rides pretty good since we fixed the track.
Then why is it bumping so? Well, we ain't fixed the wheels yet.
When do we get to hooterville? Well, we're scheduled TO ARRIVE AT 1:27.
And are we on time? Yep.
We'll pull in right on the nose.
4:45.
[crash.]
This don't mean we're engaged.
Oh! And the decorator will be here.
This afternoon.
Is he any good? Good? He did the governor's place.
Really? Oh, of course.
He's going to have this Looking like a palace in no time And I've got another surprise for you.
What is that? Everything we need to set up housekeeping.
Hey.
I see you got the honeymoon special.
Yeah.
The deluxe deal! I sure am glad you got this one.
I'm not much of a home, sweet home.
Succotash! Look at green beans! Genuine sardines.
Mr.
Douglas, I just remembered something.
What? It's time for lunch.
[bubbling.]
Dear.
Would you like to have another pancake? Uh, no, thanks.
No, thanks.
That's fine.
How are they? Oh, they're just great.
OLIVER: Aren't they, eb? I'll let you know as soon as I get one cut.
Maybe you'd like to eat your lunch out under a tree.
I'd rather eat at the hooterville diner.
No offense, Mrs.
Douglas.
Pay no attention to him.
He's not used to good city cooking.
Eb was right.
They're not very good, are they? Well, this is only your second meal.
It gets better each time.
It's no use.
Oh, don't worry.
Ah, plea everything is going to be fine.
Pretty soon the decorator will be here.
Excuse me.
Now look.
He came back for a second helping.
No.
I didn't.
I just came in to tell you There's a lady outside.
Who is it? I don't know.
Why didn't you ask her? I couldn't.
She fainted.
Oh, mother! Mother.
Mother! No wonder I got Cold chills.
What happened? I don't know.
I picked her up at the depot, drove her out.
She got out of the truck, Took one look at the house And keeled over.
I can understand that.
Yeah.
I guess the rustic beauty Is kinda overwhelming.
I couldn't find any smelling salts, But try this.
[coughing.]
This liniment's great For rubbing horses, too.
Come along, darling.
Come on.
You'll be all right.
I take you into the house.
Oh, no! It's still there! Oh, Oliver, how could you bring This poor, defenseless child to this this oh! Pack your things.
You're leaving.
No.
She's not leaving.
Don't shout at mother.
I can shout at her.
She's my mother.
Well, she's my mother-in-law.
It's not natural for anybody To like their own mother-in-law.
I don't like your mother.
Oliver! Oh, darling.
Don't bother arguing.
We'll have you packed and back in New York Before dinner.
Speaking of dinner.
Nobody's speaking of dinner.
Come along, now.
Now, wait a second! Uh, uh, Mr.
Douglas, that'll be a dollar.
For bringing the lady out.
A dollar? Well, I don't 'spect a tip.
You're not getting one.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Douglas.
Maybe you can spend it.
You sure can't eat it.
The room was too much for her.
Come on, darling.
Help me.
There you are, dear.
[groans.]
Go pack your clothes.
You are not staying inside this depressed area Another second.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Mr.
Douglas.
Not now.
I'm busy.
Uh, Sam drucker told me You wanted to see me this afternoon.
I'm Roland Wilson.
Well! The decorator.
This is the decorator.
I told you I'd get one.
Lisa, are you coming? Oh, darling, I promised Oliver If he gets a decorator I'll stay.
You don't have to keep a promise.
You're a woman! I'm also Oliver's wife.
[sighs.]
Well, if that's what you want.
No.
No, I cannot go and leave you here in this! Oh, don't worry, darling! I'll be all right.
Well, if you change your mind, You know you always have a home with me.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, mother.
Oh.
Good-bye, Oliver.
[sighs.]
My son.
The farming nut.
Oh, Mr.
Haney.
I'll ride back to hooterville with you.
Thank you, darling.
Darling, Mr.
Wilson.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry.
Oh, go ahead.
I'm in no hurry.
Oh, we are.
We are eager to get started.
Do you have any good ideas? Well, I kinda like to find out What the client wants.
Well, it should be lots of colors.
Gay and cheery.
Oh, that's easy.
But there's one thing I have to know first.
How big a cake did you want? BOTH: Cake?! Now, the cake I decorated for the governor Was 4 feet square and 6 tiers high And it had a donkey and a mule on top.
It was strictly non-partisan.
You are a cake decorator? Best in the county.
Now, what's the occasion? Lisa, I Why not make it a moving-in cake? Oliver? OLIVER: Put out the light.
Oliver! OLIVER: I've got a surprise for you.
Happy anniversary! Oh, darling, it isn't our anniversary! Yes, it is.
It's been exactly a week that we've been here.
Mr.
Wilson just brought the cake.
Oh, it's beautiful.
What is that? That's the way our house is going to look After we get it fixed up.
Aah! Chocolate roof, mocha walls, and a vanilla fence.
Uh-huh.
Now, make a wish and blow out the candle.
I wish the windows wouldn't be pistachio.
Darling, you're crushing the cake!