Grimsburg (2024) s02e09 Episode Script
The Undies
1
DINO: I am honored and
grateful that you have invited me
here today on the day of
your son's third birthday.
May this Paw Patrol figurine
bring him great joy
for 10 minutes before
he throws it in a toy bin
and goes back to his iPad,
Donna Cordero.
DONNA: Thank you, Dino.
Anthony!
Take that skee ball
out of your mouth.
You're light this month.
Either you're holding out on me,
or people have figured out
how to have fun
at parties without drugs.
DINO: Nobody buys drugs
from guys like me anymore.
They want white girls
in crop tops and dreads.
- I need more time.
- DONNA: Time is something I'm in
uhh short supply of.
[Women groaning]
DINO: I-I didn't realize
you were so far along.
DONNA: My doctor says
I'm already dilated.
[Gun clicks]
9 millimeters.
[Gunshot]
♪
BOY: Daddy, I won a toy.
[Theme music playing]
♪
[Crack]
FLUTE: Don't talk to them.
Don't talk to them. Just go inside.
- SUMMERS: Hey, Mrs. Maniscopa!
- Oh, Gregory.
SUMMERS: Hey. Have you met
my new roommate?
Where did he
FLUTE: Summers, I swear to God,
if you introduce me
SUMMERS: Oh, there you are.
You gotta meet Lewis from 208.
[Flute coughing]
[Ding]
SUMMERS: Didi!
Have you met aah!
[Didi screams]
SUMMERS: Why do you
have that on you?
FLUTE: Because it always
works. If they check for
an erection, they know it's fake,
but nobody ever does.
SUMMERS: Don't worry.
You'll get another chance
to meet the neighbors
at our annual HOA party.
This year we're doing
a casino night.
FLUTE: Nope. Not coming.
I don't engage
with neighbors, Summers.
The second you make eye contact,
there's no escape.
They're like those
clipboard people
outside of the grocery store
or Stan.
SUMMERS: But you have to come.
Literally.
- The party is in our loft.
- FLUTE: What? Look, I may let you
cook all my dinners,
clean all my laundry,
and fetch all my seltzers,
but I will not sit back
and let you steamroll me on the
only thing you've ever asked me for.
Cancel it.
And fetch me a seltzer.
SUMMERS: But you never want
to do what I want.
Face masks, game night,
matching PJs.
Friends should do anything
for each other.
FLUTE: Oh, sweet Summers,
that's not true.
Mostly because we're
not friends. We're roommates.
I'm supposed to lose your mail
and see your pubes
on the toilet. That's it.
SUMMERS: Oh, OK.
I'll let everybody know it's off.
FLUTE: There you go.
Seltzer.
♪
KANG: This is the Preggo
Crime Family.
Because no sane person
would ever question
a pregnant woman
about anything,
they've been able to
take over the underworld.
Now they need a new
cocaine distributor
and we're sending
one of you deep undercover.
FLUTE: You gotta let me have this.
The Undies Awards are coming up,
and this is exactly
the kind of case I need
to finally beat the feds.
ANNOUNCER: And the winner
for best actor
in an undercover operation
goes to
the FBI for Operation Jaguar.
The FBI for Undercover Sister.
The FBI for
Mission Simp-possible.
The FBI for
[People shouting]
FLUTE: With this case,
I'm going to cream the Undies.
It's got everything
the voters look for
drugs, strong female characters,
and the Cosa Nostra.
It's the perfect job for
[Italian accent]
Roberto Stanlitucci.
I grew up in the old country,
playing in my mother's
olive garden on
the island of Boyardee.
My parents had to escape
to America in a Panera
after the neighbors found out
it wasn't delivery,
it was DiGiorno's.
- MARTINEZ: Wow.
- FLUTE: Yeah, I got a whole
backstory for Stanlitucci.
He's color-blind, bipolar,
and he was born without ankles.
- Disabilities are total Undies bait.
- KANG: Fine. You're in.
But this has to happen quick.
The boss is almost full term,
and once she goes on maternity leave,
we can't touch her
for two unpaid weeks.
FLUTE: Summers and I got this.
It's gonna be interesting
trying to play someone
who's mentally ill.
- KANG: Mm-hmm.
- MARTINEZ: Real stretch.
[Toilet flushes]
OTIS: Ha ha ha!
You wet farted in there.
I heard it on my new
Snoops by Snoop Dogg.
WYNONA: Ugh. Don't you have
a case to solve?
OTIS: No. Kang said all the murders
were too adult for me this week.
WYNONA: Aww.
Encyclopedia Brown-noser is
only allowed to handle
involuntary manslaughters.
OTIS: At least I can handle dairy.
Ha ha ha! Hey!
[Mayor Dilquez speaking indistinctly]
WYNONA: What's she talking
to the mayor about?
MARTINEZ: I sent it in an e-mail.
MAYOR DILQUEZ: Well,
this money could be
OTIS: There's a budget overage. Martinez
has to spend 8K by Friday or lose it.
WYNONA: That's a lot of money.
She's gonna need
some help spending that.
OTIS: Oh, please. I could spend
that in my sleep. And have.
Once paid my doorman 10 grand
to read me a bedtime story
and another 5 to stop.
The Serbian accent was not
designed to comfort.
[In Serbian accent]
"Goodnight Moon."
DONNA: We need someone
who can move weight.
- Can you handle it?
- STANLITUCCI: Handle it? Please.
I've spent my life
hiding the fact
I ain't got no ankles,
which ain't so easy
growing up on the shore.
Every summer sitting in
that window wishing I had
something, anything between
my shins and my feet.
DONNA: Just take the drugs and come back
with the 50 grand or we kill you.
It's all in the Docusign we emailed.
[Vehicle approaching]
[Police radio chatter]
SUMMERS: Flute, we got company!
Abort! Abort!
[Indistinct shouting]
DONNA: Preggos, go!
Shuffle, shuffle!
[Women grunting]
FLUTE: This reeks of the FBI.
But I am not letting
those bastards steal
any more of my Undies.
Aah! Uhh!
Uhh.
♪
WYNONA:
I'm asking Martinez to buy me
an intestine yarner for the morgue.
Detangling them is impossible
to do alone
and everyone who works here
is a puker.
Apparently, the inside of
dead bodies have a smell.
OTIS: I'm gonna ask her
for a little sister.
- A sister?
- What?
I need someone to play around
the office while the adults
talk about boring stuff like
whole grains and interest rates.
Plus,
the Ad-auction is tomorrow.
ANNOUNCER: Are you tired
of the long, tedious
process of adopting children?
Do you enjoy the fast-paced
excitement of an art auction?
Then come on down
to the Ad-auction,
Grimsburg's number-one
adoption auction,
this Monday, Monday, Monday,
where you can meet
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday,
just one of many
new orphans available
after their parents' tragic demise,
tragic demise, tragic demise.
Ad-auction. It's like
Sotheby's, but weirder.
All adoptions final.
No backsies.
OTIS: I bet 8 grand gets us
no behavioral issues
and correctly spaced eyes.
WYNONA: We're getting
the intestine yarner.
OTIS: Nope!
You're wrong there, missy.
We're buying a human child.
I've already named her.
Charlotte Mary Elizabeth Kimbert
Von Hellmanns the third.
[Grunting]
I'm getting my shady allergist
to prescribe me growth hormones,
and then it's on!
STANLITUCCI: What the?!
Where the hell am I?!
SUMMERS: It's OK. There was an
explosion and you hit your head hard.
But don't worry.
We're almost at the hospital.
STANLITUCCI: The hospital?
You crazy?
It'll be crawling with cops.
If there's one thing I hate,
it's the cops.
SUMMERS: Uh, but we are
wait a second.
Remind me of your name
one more time.
STANLITUCCI:
I am Roberto Stanlitucci,
a humble cocaine salesman,
like my father
and his father before him.
I guess you could say cocaine is
in my blood. Stream.
Ha ha ha! God, I kill me.
And I kill you if you don't
take me somewhere safe.
Ca-piece-K?
- You mean "capisce"?
- Just drive!
STANLITUCCI: What's the deal
with this tiny room
that has
a tiny meatball sub in it?
SUMMERS: Oh, that's
the apartment from "The Whale"
that you, uh,
that my roommate made.
He makes miniatures.
STANLITUCCI: Any fazool
who spends this much time
on such tiny details has problems
way bigger than Mr. Whale himself.
Also, this door swings
the wrong way.
- MAN ON PHONE: Grimsburg P.D.
- SUMMERS: Hi.
I need to speak to
Chief Martinez. Like, now.
STANLITUCCI: Greg, you sonofabot.
You saved my life today.
I don't know who you were to me
before the amnesia,
but from now on, you are
my friend.
- I am?
- Of course.
And to prove it,
I'm gonna cook for you.
You like chicken?
I can make parmesan. Piccata.
Milanese. Vesuvio.
How about a little Chicken Maniscalco?
SUMMERS: I'm not familiar
with that dish.
STANLITUCCI: No one is.
But let me tell you,
it is shockingly rich.
MARTINEZ:
Summers, everything OK?
STANLITUCCI:
Everything OK, friend?
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
As far back as I can remember,
I always wanted
to be Flute's friend.
Yep. Operation's going great.
See you in a week. Bye.
SUMMERS: [voice-over] I finally
had the Flute of my dreams,
Sure, he was suffering from
severe head trauma and thought he
was a gangster, but if Melania
could make it work, so could I.
Everything Flute
would make fun of me for,
Stanlitucci was game
to try. Including games!
STANLITUCCI: Ohh!
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
And the crew loved him, too.
There was Señor Snuggles.
[Mexican accent]
Te gusta snuggle?
Camellio.
[Deeper voice] I'm a camel.
Pete the Spiller.
And Bill Frogsby.
[As Bill Cosby]
I got my name before
all the bad news came out.
Ribbit.
But if John Mulaney told us anything,
it's that everyone has a dark side.
Even the guy who looks like
a stretched-out 10-year-old.
STANLITUCCI: As fun as this is,
nose candy don't sell itself.
- Where's that briefcase?
- SUMMERS: What briefcase?
STANLITUCCI: The one with
the 50K of cocaine in it!
You didn't grab it?
The Preggos are gonna kill me.
You may as well get Johnnie
Cowchran to write me up a will.
[Cow moos]
STANLITUCCI: Moo at me again.
I freakin' dare you.
SUMMERS: I'm sure we can figure it out.
STANLITUCCI: Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna have to
lay low at your place
so the Preggos don't find me.
I'll also have to
bottom bunk it in your room
so we can take turns
keeping an eye out.
And I have trouble sleeping,
so we're probably
gonna have to tell
each other stories before bed.
Oh, and it wouldn't be the worst
idea to get matching PJs
in case someone does find us.
They'll be confused
at who is who.
You OK with that, pally?
[Summers giggling]
Bunk buddies?
S-stories? M-matching PJs?
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah, I can make that work.
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
It was perfect. I had Flute
all to myself and nobody
at work was the wiser.
There was just one problem.
[Glass breaks]
Stanlitucci was bipolar,
but Flute decided
not to research
what being bipolar meant.
He worried it would hurt the
spontaneity of his performance.
STANLITUCCI: I'm one polar.
Now I'm another polar.
Now I'm Amy Poehler.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Jealous?
MRS. MANISCOPA: Oh, Gregory.
Good news.
We got everything all set up
for the party.
SUMMERS: [voice-over] And just like that,
the music was about to change again.
♪
STANLITUCCI: Cugine,
you were holding out on me.
I went to the bedroom
to take a snooze.
When I wake up,
there's an underground casino
popping off in here,
and you got some high rollers.
They all came in asking for
10K markers.
We'll pay back those Preggos
in no time.
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
I finally had it all
my best friend, my neighbors,
my casino-themed HOA party.
But once again, it was about
to not be as good as I was
leading you to believe
it was going to be
at the top of this voiceover.
MRS. MANISCOPA: Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
SUMMERS: Way to go, Mrs. Maniscopa.
[Stanlitucci grumbles]
♪
MARTINEZ: What's going on? I got a
calendar invite about a budget meeting.
WYNONA: From me.
I've prepared a presentation
about the current state
of the morgue's equipment.
You can follow along with
the agenda that I laminated
like an adult businessperson.
WENDY: What's wrong
with these donuts?
WYNONA: I may have gone a little
overboard with the laminator.
Let's get started!
As you know, the morgue
is a valuable stop along
the crime solving journey.
[Audience laughs]
WYNONA: Uh,
don't know how that
got in there. Heh.
[Audience laughs]
I was trying to learn
how to use Photoshop.
[Audience laughs]
Otis!
MARTINEZ: You ever notice that
a lot of weirdos work here?
♪
MRS. MANISCOPA: Another win?
Oh, it's my lucky day.
STANLITUCCI: We got a cheater
on our hands.
SUMMERS: Mrs. Maniscopa?
She's just lucky.
STANLITUCCI: Open your eyeholes.
She's got a Rain Man
sitting right next to her.
Look at him counting the cards.
I can practically see the equations
dancing 'round his head.
Now go take care of her
before she takes all of our money
and the Preggos get rid of us.
SUMMERS: I don't think I can do that.
STANLITUCCI: I thought you said
you were my friend.
And a friend would do anything
another friend wants.
[Summers gulps]
That is what I said earlier.
- I'll take care of it.
- STANLITUCCI: Attaboy.
Oh, and bring me back
her thumbs, friend.
♪
- OTIS: Aah!
- WYNONA: I'm gonna kill you
with your stupid magnifying glass
and I know how to make it
look like an accident!
MARTINEZ: I come to work to
get away from kids screaming.
What's going on in here?
WYNONA: Ugh. Otis sabotaged
my budget presentation!
OTIS: Ah! Uh!
I know it was wrong,
but I'm so bored around here.
Everyone is older than Wi-Fi
and I got nobody to play with.
I wish I had someone like this
red-haired 11-year-old orphan.
She needs braces, which is why
I think the bids are so low.
MARTINEZ: You're bidding on orphans?
That's really messed up.
But she is pretty adorable.
Wow. A 130 IQ.
OTIS: Can I have her?
I promise I'll be good
and find the guy who keeps
turning the town wishing well
- into the wishing toilet.
- WYNONA: No! We need to spend
the budget overage
on an intestine winder!
MARTINEZ: Budget overage?
How do you know about that?
OTIS: We overheard you
talking with the mayor.
WYNONA: It was Otis' idea.
- Was not. Was not. Was not!
- Was too. Was too. Was too!
MARTINEZ: Quiet! The money
has already been spent.
On a party I'm throwing
for the whole office
as a reward for the good, honest,
unselfish work everyone is doing.
OTIS: Are you mad at us?
I can't tell if someone is angry
unless they're throwing
a gin martini at my father.
MARTINEZ: I'm not mad at you.
I'm disappointed.
[Door slams]
AUCTIONEER: Next up, we have Daisy Mae,
who has a green belt in taekwondo
and can do a handstand underwater.
SUMMERS: Thanks for
seeing me, Dr. Pentos.
You're the only doctor
I know now that
my annual physicals are at Jiffy Lube.
PENTOS: My doctorate is in
Russian literature,
but I have seen every episode
of "Grey's Anatomy," so, shoot.
SUMMERS: Flute hit his head and
thinks he's a violent Italian mobster.
PENTOS: Hmm.
While the concept is high,
the solution is quite low.
All Flute needs is a simple hit
to the base of the skull
and his memory will return.
Anything else?
SUMMERS: You don't have any
thumbs lying around, do you?
PENTOS: I have a pinky
and two toes. Hmm?
♪
MRS. MANISCOPA:
Did they catch him?
STANLITUCCI:
Whoa! You still got thumbs?
- Where's Greg?
- MRS. MANISCOPA: He said he was
going to take care of some gangster.
This is why I adore having a member
of the police in the building.
STANLITUCCI: You better
be talking about
the legendary English rock trio.
MRS. MANISCOPA:
I'm talking about Summers.
STANLITUCCI: Oddly enough, that
still doesn't clarify things.
Are you talking about
Andy Summers, the guitarist
for the band The Police,
or Greg Summers?
MRS. MANISCOPA:
The one with the sting.
- STANLITUCCI: Still not totally clear.
- MRS. MANISCOPA: Greg!
[Door slams]
[Stanlitucci grumbles]
♪
STANLITUCCI:
Is that you, friend?
SUMMERS: Yes, it's me, also friend.
STANLITUCCI: I was just thinking,
now that we
can pay back the Preggos,
I'll probably be leaving soon.
SUMMERS: Yes. I suppose
it is time for you to go.
STANLITUCCI: I'll never forget
how true our friendship was.
SUMMERS: You might forget it,
but I won't.
STANLITUCCI:
We should celebrate.
One last meal
before we go our separate ways.
- One last meal.
- One last meal.
- One last meal.
- One last meal.
SUMMERS: When you say it,
it sounds different than mine.
One last meal.
STANLITUCCI: One last meal.
I don't hear it.
♪
OTIS: I'm bored.
Martinez and Kang are talking about
how long it takes their cuts to heal.
- WYNONA: Fine. Hold your arms out.
- OTIS: OK. Now what?
WYNONA:
This doesn't gross you out?
OTIS: Nah. I have a high
tolerance for this kind of stuff.
In kindergarten, I subsisted
solely on boogers and bugs.
Ah, to be 5 again.
[Wynona laughs]
OTIS: Ya know, I could come by
and help you anytime you need it.
I could be your intestine winder.
WYNONA: And you do annoy
the crap out of me,
so, I guess I could be your sister.
♪
OTIS: Hey, do you want to go steal
cocaine from the evidence locker
and put it in the sugar
dispensers in the break room?
WYNONA: Yes.
♪
[Tires screech]
SUMMERS: What the
this isn't a restaurant!
MARIA: Ladies, we got heat!
[Donna grunting]
I gotta start keeping
this thing in my bra.
[Guns clicking]
STANLITUCCI: Don't shoot!
I brought you
something better than money.
One of the cops who tried
to take you down.
SUMMERS: Wha y-you're
making a big mistake!
DONNA: You should listen
to him detective!
You dropped this last time
you were here.
STANLITUCCI: But, but,
it's-a me Roberto.
♪
This can't be.
This must be some sick prank.
What is this?
A new season of "Jury Duty"?
Are you James Marsden?
Because if you are,
that would be wildly
impressive and offensive.
SUMMERS: I'm your partner.
And you're Marvin Flute.
You call waitresses "toots"
hoping they slap you so you feel alive.
You've lobbied to outlaw
the elderly.
You have a son Stan.
STANLITUCCI: If I had a son,
I think I'd remember.
SUMMERS: You'd be surprised.
But you're also my best friend.
STANLITUCCI:
Now I know you're lying
because a real friend
wouldn't have lied to me.
SUMMERS: It's true. I lied just
so I could finally know what
your friendship felt like.
Which means maybe
we never have been
anything more than roommates.
MARIA: Donna will kill you now.
♪
[Gasps] Oh.
[Splash]
STANLITUCCI: Uhh! Uh.
SUMMERS: Flute, is it you?
Are you back?
♪
STANLITUCCI: Marone a mi.
Your nose breath stinks.
[Summers groans]
[Sniffs] Oof.
[Beep]
♪
[Maria groans]
[Gun clicks]
DONNA: Grimsburg P.D.,
let this be a lesson to you.
Any last words?
STANLITUCCI: Just one. Push.
[Splash]
MARIA: Oh, God.
DONNA: What? Oh, no.
She's going into labor.
STANLITUCCI: And everybody knows
labor is as contagious as a yawn.
[Splash]
Oh!
- Aah!
- Oh!
[Donna winces]
STANLITUCCI: Seems you're
in a lot of pain, Donna. You
sure you don't want an epidural?
DONNA: I have a birthing plan.
Oh!
[Groaning]
STANLITUCCI: On the pepperoni farm,
I brought many lives into this world.
Mostly sheep, but
it's really all the same.
- Untie me and I can help.
- [Donna grunting] Do it.
[Woman groaning]
STANLITUCCI:
You're all doing great.
And you're all under arrest.
Looks like you're going to jail.
Full term.
Try to top that, FBI.
ANNOUNCER:
And this year's winner is
Marvin Flute
for Leggo My Preggos.
[Cheering and applause]
FLUTE: Thank you. You know,
becoming Roberto Stanlitucci
for this operation wasn't all
bottles of red and bottles of white,
like Billy Joel would have you believe
at the beginning of that song.
It was more like
the second part of that song,
where it's fast-paced,
hard to keep up,
and kind of overstays its welcome
when someone picks it at karaoke.
But luckily, I wasn't singing alone.
Tonight, I share my Undies
with Greg Summers.
Summers, you're not
my friend or my roommate,
and that's because
as a man I once was said,
[As Stanlitucci]
"When you're here, you're family."
SUMMERS: Aww.
[Applause]
♪
MAN: Just like the old days ♪
Let's fall in love again ♪
♪
OTIS: Sorry, but for 8 grand,
I thought there'd at least be
some ceviche.
MARTINEZ: Excuse me?
[Wynona and Otis gasp]
MARTINEZ: I can't believe
how ungrateful you are.
[Door slams]
Nothing pleases those ingrates.
ORPHAN GIRL:
They don't deserve you.
Foot rub?
Perhaps one day
you will find a way ♪
To make them happy ♪
MARTINEZ: Mm.
That auctioneer wasn't lying.
You got a beautiful voice.
You can go a little harder.
DINO: I am honored and
grateful that you have invited me
here today on the day of
your son's third birthday.
May this Paw Patrol figurine
bring him great joy
for 10 minutes before
he throws it in a toy bin
and goes back to his iPad,
Donna Cordero.
DONNA: Thank you, Dino.
Anthony!
Take that skee ball
out of your mouth.
You're light this month.
Either you're holding out on me,
or people have figured out
how to have fun
at parties without drugs.
DINO: Nobody buys drugs
from guys like me anymore.
They want white girls
in crop tops and dreads.
- I need more time.
- DONNA: Time is something I'm in
uhh short supply of.
[Women groaning]
DINO: I-I didn't realize
you were so far along.
DONNA: My doctor says
I'm already dilated.
[Gun clicks]
9 millimeters.
[Gunshot]
♪
BOY: Daddy, I won a toy.
[Theme music playing]
♪
[Crack]
FLUTE: Don't talk to them.
Don't talk to them. Just go inside.
- SUMMERS: Hey, Mrs. Maniscopa!
- Oh, Gregory.
SUMMERS: Hey. Have you met
my new roommate?
Where did he
FLUTE: Summers, I swear to God,
if you introduce me
SUMMERS: Oh, there you are.
You gotta meet Lewis from 208.
[Flute coughing]
[Ding]
SUMMERS: Didi!
Have you met aah!
[Didi screams]
SUMMERS: Why do you
have that on you?
FLUTE: Because it always
works. If they check for
an erection, they know it's fake,
but nobody ever does.
SUMMERS: Don't worry.
You'll get another chance
to meet the neighbors
at our annual HOA party.
This year we're doing
a casino night.
FLUTE: Nope. Not coming.
I don't engage
with neighbors, Summers.
The second you make eye contact,
there's no escape.
They're like those
clipboard people
outside of the grocery store
or Stan.
SUMMERS: But you have to come.
Literally.
- The party is in our loft.
- FLUTE: What? Look, I may let you
cook all my dinners,
clean all my laundry,
and fetch all my seltzers,
but I will not sit back
and let you steamroll me on the
only thing you've ever asked me for.
Cancel it.
And fetch me a seltzer.
SUMMERS: But you never want
to do what I want.
Face masks, game night,
matching PJs.
Friends should do anything
for each other.
FLUTE: Oh, sweet Summers,
that's not true.
Mostly because we're
not friends. We're roommates.
I'm supposed to lose your mail
and see your pubes
on the toilet. That's it.
SUMMERS: Oh, OK.
I'll let everybody know it's off.
FLUTE: There you go.
Seltzer.
♪
KANG: This is the Preggo
Crime Family.
Because no sane person
would ever question
a pregnant woman
about anything,
they've been able to
take over the underworld.
Now they need a new
cocaine distributor
and we're sending
one of you deep undercover.
FLUTE: You gotta let me have this.
The Undies Awards are coming up,
and this is exactly
the kind of case I need
to finally beat the feds.
ANNOUNCER: And the winner
for best actor
in an undercover operation
goes to
the FBI for Operation Jaguar.
The FBI for Undercover Sister.
The FBI for
Mission Simp-possible.
The FBI for
[People shouting]
FLUTE: With this case,
I'm going to cream the Undies.
It's got everything
the voters look for
drugs, strong female characters,
and the Cosa Nostra.
It's the perfect job for
[Italian accent]
Roberto Stanlitucci.
I grew up in the old country,
playing in my mother's
olive garden on
the island of Boyardee.
My parents had to escape
to America in a Panera
after the neighbors found out
it wasn't delivery,
it was DiGiorno's.
- MARTINEZ: Wow.
- FLUTE: Yeah, I got a whole
backstory for Stanlitucci.
He's color-blind, bipolar,
and he was born without ankles.
- Disabilities are total Undies bait.
- KANG: Fine. You're in.
But this has to happen quick.
The boss is almost full term,
and once she goes on maternity leave,
we can't touch her
for two unpaid weeks.
FLUTE: Summers and I got this.
It's gonna be interesting
trying to play someone
who's mentally ill.
- KANG: Mm-hmm.
- MARTINEZ: Real stretch.
[Toilet flushes]
OTIS: Ha ha ha!
You wet farted in there.
I heard it on my new
Snoops by Snoop Dogg.
WYNONA: Ugh. Don't you have
a case to solve?
OTIS: No. Kang said all the murders
were too adult for me this week.
WYNONA: Aww.
Encyclopedia Brown-noser is
only allowed to handle
involuntary manslaughters.
OTIS: At least I can handle dairy.
Ha ha ha! Hey!
[Mayor Dilquez speaking indistinctly]
WYNONA: What's she talking
to the mayor about?
MARTINEZ: I sent it in an e-mail.
MAYOR DILQUEZ: Well,
this money could be
OTIS: There's a budget overage. Martinez
has to spend 8K by Friday or lose it.
WYNONA: That's a lot of money.
She's gonna need
some help spending that.
OTIS: Oh, please. I could spend
that in my sleep. And have.
Once paid my doorman 10 grand
to read me a bedtime story
and another 5 to stop.
The Serbian accent was not
designed to comfort.
[In Serbian accent]
"Goodnight Moon."
DONNA: We need someone
who can move weight.
- Can you handle it?
- STANLITUCCI: Handle it? Please.
I've spent my life
hiding the fact
I ain't got no ankles,
which ain't so easy
growing up on the shore.
Every summer sitting in
that window wishing I had
something, anything between
my shins and my feet.
DONNA: Just take the drugs and come back
with the 50 grand or we kill you.
It's all in the Docusign we emailed.
[Vehicle approaching]
[Police radio chatter]
SUMMERS: Flute, we got company!
Abort! Abort!
[Indistinct shouting]
DONNA: Preggos, go!
Shuffle, shuffle!
[Women grunting]
FLUTE: This reeks of the FBI.
But I am not letting
those bastards steal
any more of my Undies.
Aah! Uhh!
Uhh.
♪
WYNONA:
I'm asking Martinez to buy me
an intestine yarner for the morgue.
Detangling them is impossible
to do alone
and everyone who works here
is a puker.
Apparently, the inside of
dead bodies have a smell.
OTIS: I'm gonna ask her
for a little sister.
- A sister?
- What?
I need someone to play around
the office while the adults
talk about boring stuff like
whole grains and interest rates.
Plus,
the Ad-auction is tomorrow.
ANNOUNCER: Are you tired
of the long, tedious
process of adopting children?
Do you enjoy the fast-paced
excitement of an art auction?
Then come on down
to the Ad-auction,
Grimsburg's number-one
adoption auction,
this Monday, Monday, Monday,
where you can meet
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday,
just one of many
new orphans available
after their parents' tragic demise,
tragic demise, tragic demise.
Ad-auction. It's like
Sotheby's, but weirder.
All adoptions final.
No backsies.
OTIS: I bet 8 grand gets us
no behavioral issues
and correctly spaced eyes.
WYNONA: We're getting
the intestine yarner.
OTIS: Nope!
You're wrong there, missy.
We're buying a human child.
I've already named her.
Charlotte Mary Elizabeth Kimbert
Von Hellmanns the third.
[Grunting]
I'm getting my shady allergist
to prescribe me growth hormones,
and then it's on!
STANLITUCCI: What the?!
Where the hell am I?!
SUMMERS: It's OK. There was an
explosion and you hit your head hard.
But don't worry.
We're almost at the hospital.
STANLITUCCI: The hospital?
You crazy?
It'll be crawling with cops.
If there's one thing I hate,
it's the cops.
SUMMERS: Uh, but we are
wait a second.
Remind me of your name
one more time.
STANLITUCCI:
I am Roberto Stanlitucci,
a humble cocaine salesman,
like my father
and his father before him.
I guess you could say cocaine is
in my blood. Stream.
Ha ha ha! God, I kill me.
And I kill you if you don't
take me somewhere safe.
Ca-piece-K?
- You mean "capisce"?
- Just drive!
STANLITUCCI: What's the deal
with this tiny room
that has
a tiny meatball sub in it?
SUMMERS: Oh, that's
the apartment from "The Whale"
that you, uh,
that my roommate made.
He makes miniatures.
STANLITUCCI: Any fazool
who spends this much time
on such tiny details has problems
way bigger than Mr. Whale himself.
Also, this door swings
the wrong way.
- MAN ON PHONE: Grimsburg P.D.
- SUMMERS: Hi.
I need to speak to
Chief Martinez. Like, now.
STANLITUCCI: Greg, you sonofabot.
You saved my life today.
I don't know who you were to me
before the amnesia,
but from now on, you are
my friend.
- I am?
- Of course.
And to prove it,
I'm gonna cook for you.
You like chicken?
I can make parmesan. Piccata.
Milanese. Vesuvio.
How about a little Chicken Maniscalco?
SUMMERS: I'm not familiar
with that dish.
STANLITUCCI: No one is.
But let me tell you,
it is shockingly rich.
MARTINEZ:
Summers, everything OK?
STANLITUCCI:
Everything OK, friend?
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
As far back as I can remember,
I always wanted
to be Flute's friend.
Yep. Operation's going great.
See you in a week. Bye.
SUMMERS: [voice-over] I finally
had the Flute of my dreams,
Sure, he was suffering from
severe head trauma and thought he
was a gangster, but if Melania
could make it work, so could I.
Everything Flute
would make fun of me for,
Stanlitucci was game
to try. Including games!
STANLITUCCI: Ohh!
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
And the crew loved him, too.
There was Señor Snuggles.
[Mexican accent]
Te gusta snuggle?
Camellio.
[Deeper voice] I'm a camel.
Pete the Spiller.
And Bill Frogsby.
[As Bill Cosby]
I got my name before
all the bad news came out.
Ribbit.
But if John Mulaney told us anything,
it's that everyone has a dark side.
Even the guy who looks like
a stretched-out 10-year-old.
STANLITUCCI: As fun as this is,
nose candy don't sell itself.
- Where's that briefcase?
- SUMMERS: What briefcase?
STANLITUCCI: The one with
the 50K of cocaine in it!
You didn't grab it?
The Preggos are gonna kill me.
You may as well get Johnnie
Cowchran to write me up a will.
[Cow moos]
STANLITUCCI: Moo at me again.
I freakin' dare you.
SUMMERS: I'm sure we can figure it out.
STANLITUCCI: Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna have to
lay low at your place
so the Preggos don't find me.
I'll also have to
bottom bunk it in your room
so we can take turns
keeping an eye out.
And I have trouble sleeping,
so we're probably
gonna have to tell
each other stories before bed.
Oh, and it wouldn't be the worst
idea to get matching PJs
in case someone does find us.
They'll be confused
at who is who.
You OK with that, pally?
[Summers giggling]
Bunk buddies?
S-stories? M-matching PJs?
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah, I can make that work.
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
It was perfect. I had Flute
all to myself and nobody
at work was the wiser.
There was just one problem.
[Glass breaks]
Stanlitucci was bipolar,
but Flute decided
not to research
what being bipolar meant.
He worried it would hurt the
spontaneity of his performance.
STANLITUCCI: I'm one polar.
Now I'm another polar.
Now I'm Amy Poehler.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Jealous?
MRS. MANISCOPA: Oh, Gregory.
Good news.
We got everything all set up
for the party.
SUMMERS: [voice-over] And just like that,
the music was about to change again.
♪
STANLITUCCI: Cugine,
you were holding out on me.
I went to the bedroom
to take a snooze.
When I wake up,
there's an underground casino
popping off in here,
and you got some high rollers.
They all came in asking for
10K markers.
We'll pay back those Preggos
in no time.
SUMMERS: [voice-over]
I finally had it all
my best friend, my neighbors,
my casino-themed HOA party.
But once again, it was about
to not be as good as I was
leading you to believe
it was going to be
at the top of this voiceover.
MRS. MANISCOPA: Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
SUMMERS: Way to go, Mrs. Maniscopa.
[Stanlitucci grumbles]
♪
MARTINEZ: What's going on? I got a
calendar invite about a budget meeting.
WYNONA: From me.
I've prepared a presentation
about the current state
of the morgue's equipment.
You can follow along with
the agenda that I laminated
like an adult businessperson.
WENDY: What's wrong
with these donuts?
WYNONA: I may have gone a little
overboard with the laminator.
Let's get started!
As you know, the morgue
is a valuable stop along
the crime solving journey.
[Audience laughs]
WYNONA: Uh,
don't know how that
got in there. Heh.
[Audience laughs]
I was trying to learn
how to use Photoshop.
[Audience laughs]
Otis!
MARTINEZ: You ever notice that
a lot of weirdos work here?
♪
MRS. MANISCOPA: Another win?
Oh, it's my lucky day.
STANLITUCCI: We got a cheater
on our hands.
SUMMERS: Mrs. Maniscopa?
She's just lucky.
STANLITUCCI: Open your eyeholes.
She's got a Rain Man
sitting right next to her.
Look at him counting the cards.
I can practically see the equations
dancing 'round his head.
Now go take care of her
before she takes all of our money
and the Preggos get rid of us.
SUMMERS: I don't think I can do that.
STANLITUCCI: I thought you said
you were my friend.
And a friend would do anything
another friend wants.
[Summers gulps]
That is what I said earlier.
- I'll take care of it.
- STANLITUCCI: Attaboy.
Oh, and bring me back
her thumbs, friend.
♪
- OTIS: Aah!
- WYNONA: I'm gonna kill you
with your stupid magnifying glass
and I know how to make it
look like an accident!
MARTINEZ: I come to work to
get away from kids screaming.
What's going on in here?
WYNONA: Ugh. Otis sabotaged
my budget presentation!
OTIS: Ah! Uh!
I know it was wrong,
but I'm so bored around here.
Everyone is older than Wi-Fi
and I got nobody to play with.
I wish I had someone like this
red-haired 11-year-old orphan.
She needs braces, which is why
I think the bids are so low.
MARTINEZ: You're bidding on orphans?
That's really messed up.
But she is pretty adorable.
Wow. A 130 IQ.
OTIS: Can I have her?
I promise I'll be good
and find the guy who keeps
turning the town wishing well
- into the wishing toilet.
- WYNONA: No! We need to spend
the budget overage
on an intestine winder!
MARTINEZ: Budget overage?
How do you know about that?
OTIS: We overheard you
talking with the mayor.
WYNONA: It was Otis' idea.
- Was not. Was not. Was not!
- Was too. Was too. Was too!
MARTINEZ: Quiet! The money
has already been spent.
On a party I'm throwing
for the whole office
as a reward for the good, honest,
unselfish work everyone is doing.
OTIS: Are you mad at us?
I can't tell if someone is angry
unless they're throwing
a gin martini at my father.
MARTINEZ: I'm not mad at you.
I'm disappointed.
[Door slams]
AUCTIONEER: Next up, we have Daisy Mae,
who has a green belt in taekwondo
and can do a handstand underwater.
SUMMERS: Thanks for
seeing me, Dr. Pentos.
You're the only doctor
I know now that
my annual physicals are at Jiffy Lube.
PENTOS: My doctorate is in
Russian literature,
but I have seen every episode
of "Grey's Anatomy," so, shoot.
SUMMERS: Flute hit his head and
thinks he's a violent Italian mobster.
PENTOS: Hmm.
While the concept is high,
the solution is quite low.
All Flute needs is a simple hit
to the base of the skull
and his memory will return.
Anything else?
SUMMERS: You don't have any
thumbs lying around, do you?
PENTOS: I have a pinky
and two toes. Hmm?
♪
MRS. MANISCOPA:
Did they catch him?
STANLITUCCI:
Whoa! You still got thumbs?
- Where's Greg?
- MRS. MANISCOPA: He said he was
going to take care of some gangster.
This is why I adore having a member
of the police in the building.
STANLITUCCI: You better
be talking about
the legendary English rock trio.
MRS. MANISCOPA:
I'm talking about Summers.
STANLITUCCI: Oddly enough, that
still doesn't clarify things.
Are you talking about
Andy Summers, the guitarist
for the band The Police,
or Greg Summers?
MRS. MANISCOPA:
The one with the sting.
- STANLITUCCI: Still not totally clear.
- MRS. MANISCOPA: Greg!
[Door slams]
[Stanlitucci grumbles]
♪
STANLITUCCI:
Is that you, friend?
SUMMERS: Yes, it's me, also friend.
STANLITUCCI: I was just thinking,
now that we
can pay back the Preggos,
I'll probably be leaving soon.
SUMMERS: Yes. I suppose
it is time for you to go.
STANLITUCCI: I'll never forget
how true our friendship was.
SUMMERS: You might forget it,
but I won't.
STANLITUCCI:
We should celebrate.
One last meal
before we go our separate ways.
- One last meal.
- One last meal.
- One last meal.
- One last meal.
SUMMERS: When you say it,
it sounds different than mine.
One last meal.
STANLITUCCI: One last meal.
I don't hear it.
♪
OTIS: I'm bored.
Martinez and Kang are talking about
how long it takes their cuts to heal.
- WYNONA: Fine. Hold your arms out.
- OTIS: OK. Now what?
WYNONA:
This doesn't gross you out?
OTIS: Nah. I have a high
tolerance for this kind of stuff.
In kindergarten, I subsisted
solely on boogers and bugs.
Ah, to be 5 again.
[Wynona laughs]
OTIS: Ya know, I could come by
and help you anytime you need it.
I could be your intestine winder.
WYNONA: And you do annoy
the crap out of me,
so, I guess I could be your sister.
♪
OTIS: Hey, do you want to go steal
cocaine from the evidence locker
and put it in the sugar
dispensers in the break room?
WYNONA: Yes.
♪
[Tires screech]
SUMMERS: What the
this isn't a restaurant!
MARIA: Ladies, we got heat!
[Donna grunting]
I gotta start keeping
this thing in my bra.
[Guns clicking]
STANLITUCCI: Don't shoot!
I brought you
something better than money.
One of the cops who tried
to take you down.
SUMMERS: Wha y-you're
making a big mistake!
DONNA: You should listen
to him detective!
You dropped this last time
you were here.
STANLITUCCI: But, but,
it's-a me Roberto.
♪
This can't be.
This must be some sick prank.
What is this?
A new season of "Jury Duty"?
Are you James Marsden?
Because if you are,
that would be wildly
impressive and offensive.
SUMMERS: I'm your partner.
And you're Marvin Flute.
You call waitresses "toots"
hoping they slap you so you feel alive.
You've lobbied to outlaw
the elderly.
You have a son Stan.
STANLITUCCI: If I had a son,
I think I'd remember.
SUMMERS: You'd be surprised.
But you're also my best friend.
STANLITUCCI:
Now I know you're lying
because a real friend
wouldn't have lied to me.
SUMMERS: It's true. I lied just
so I could finally know what
your friendship felt like.
Which means maybe
we never have been
anything more than roommates.
MARIA: Donna will kill you now.
♪
[Gasps] Oh.
[Splash]
STANLITUCCI: Uhh! Uh.
SUMMERS: Flute, is it you?
Are you back?
♪
STANLITUCCI: Marone a mi.
Your nose breath stinks.
[Summers groans]
[Sniffs] Oof.
[Beep]
♪
[Maria groans]
[Gun clicks]
DONNA: Grimsburg P.D.,
let this be a lesson to you.
Any last words?
STANLITUCCI: Just one. Push.
[Splash]
MARIA: Oh, God.
DONNA: What? Oh, no.
She's going into labor.
STANLITUCCI: And everybody knows
labor is as contagious as a yawn.
[Splash]
Oh!
- Aah!
- Oh!
[Donna winces]
STANLITUCCI: Seems you're
in a lot of pain, Donna. You
sure you don't want an epidural?
DONNA: I have a birthing plan.
Oh!
[Groaning]
STANLITUCCI: On the pepperoni farm,
I brought many lives into this world.
Mostly sheep, but
it's really all the same.
- Untie me and I can help.
- [Donna grunting] Do it.
[Woman groaning]
STANLITUCCI:
You're all doing great.
And you're all under arrest.
Looks like you're going to jail.
Full term.
Try to top that, FBI.
ANNOUNCER:
And this year's winner is
Marvin Flute
for Leggo My Preggos.
[Cheering and applause]
FLUTE: Thank you. You know,
becoming Roberto Stanlitucci
for this operation wasn't all
bottles of red and bottles of white,
like Billy Joel would have you believe
at the beginning of that song.
It was more like
the second part of that song,
where it's fast-paced,
hard to keep up,
and kind of overstays its welcome
when someone picks it at karaoke.
But luckily, I wasn't singing alone.
Tonight, I share my Undies
with Greg Summers.
Summers, you're not
my friend or my roommate,
and that's because
as a man I once was said,
[As Stanlitucci]
"When you're here, you're family."
SUMMERS: Aww.
[Applause]
♪
MAN: Just like the old days ♪
Let's fall in love again ♪
♪
OTIS: Sorry, but for 8 grand,
I thought there'd at least be
some ceviche.
MARTINEZ: Excuse me?
[Wynona and Otis gasp]
MARTINEZ: I can't believe
how ungrateful you are.
[Door slams]
Nothing pleases those ingrates.
ORPHAN GIRL:
They don't deserve you.
Foot rub?
Perhaps one day
you will find a way ♪
To make them happy ♪
MARTINEZ: Mm.
That auctioneer wasn't lying.
You got a beautiful voice.
You can go a little harder.