Hacks (2021) s04e09 Episode Script

1
When I think of all
the incredible people
that have worked here and the shows
that have shot here, I just
I'm sure. So historic, right?
Absolutely. No, it's
very, very humbling.
Not only are you the first woman
to hold the 11:30 slot,
but now you have the number
one show in late night.
So I have to ask,
what is it like getting your dream?
I didn't get my dream.
I got beyond my dream,
and it feels incredible.
And what message would you like to send
all the little girls out
there watching you do this?
Oh, gosh.
If the salad dressing is
white, it's not healthy.
Hmm.
Switching gears now to
a more difficult topic,
I know when I last saw you,
you told me about your sister's
struggle with illiteracy.
And I'm curious, how is she doing?
It's worse.
It's much, much worse.
Oh.
You should see our texts.
They're all voice notes.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
She can't watch a single foreign film.
It's awful.
I specialize in love ♪
I'll make you feel like new ♪
I specialize in love ♪
Let me work on you ♪
I feel so bad for Winnie.
Do we know who's replacing her?
No, but she'll land on her feet.
I heard they're looking
for new leadership at Plubo.
- Oh, yeah.
- Plubo?
Yeah. Pluto and Fubo merged.
You got to keep up on this stuff.
I told you to listen to "The Town."
I know. My CarPlay is broken.
I've just been driving to
work in bone-chilling silence.
- Oof.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Well, if it isn't
the number one team in late night.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hi.
Come on in. Sit, sit, sit.
- How is everyone?
- Great.
- Good.
- What's cracking?
[LAUGHTER]
Hello, Mr. Bob.
I just wanted to stop and say hello
and let you guys know we're just loving
- what you've been doing.
- Thank you.
Obviously, there's
been some restructuring,
so you might be seeing a
bit more of me around here.
Oh.
- Great.
- Don't worry.
You won't be hearing more from me.
Clearly, you all know what you're doing,
so you don't need some corporate suit
gumming up the works.
We'd be lucky to get
some of your insight.
Famous last words.
[BOTH LAUGH]
But no, no, no, seriously,
you guys just do your thing.
Pretend I'm not here.
Oh, okay.
Well, we're looking really solid
on bookings for the
post-Oscar live show.
And I talked to Sally Field's manager.
She wants to do celebrity strip poker.
As long as we can guarantee
that she'll be topless.
Apparently, she is "looking
good and feeling great."
Good for her.
What's up?
Sure.
I'm so sorry.
I gotta go.
I'm buying a library of cricket
matches from Pakistani TV,
and they're trying to fuck me,
which is actually good news.
It means we're close to closing.
Yeah, that's the tell.
But before I go, one thing.
Ethan Sommers.
I've mentioned it a few times.
I guess it hasn't made its way to you.
But I'd love to get him on
before the end of the week.
We have "Shadow Soldier" opening.
It'd be really great,
cross-promotionally speaking.
Yeah, sure. We'll get him on.
Perfect. Thanks, Deb.
Keep up the good work, team.
Good to see you.
Man, he smells so good, right?
What is he wearing?
I wish they had Shazam for fragrances.
- Ethan Sommers?
- I know. I know.
No, no, no, we agreed
not to have him on.
Okay, the guy is accused
of domestic violence
and sexting underage girls.
Just last week, a PA said
he locked her in his trailer.
And that is unfortunate.
But obviously, it is important enough
for him to come down here.
We have to do it.
Just because I have a guest on the show
doesn't mean I endorse
everything they have ever done.
We had Marie Osmond on.
It doesn't mean I endorse
her weird little dolls.
Let's just move on.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Men need therapy. All
men. Should be a requirement.
Okay, so Cher, quote, "still
doesn't want to do it."
[LEWIS FLOURNOY'S "COLD BLOODED WOMAN"]
[SOULFUL MUSIC]
♪
Couple of things.
Okay. Where is Kayla?
Oh, she said she was
working from home today.
- Hmm.
- All right, so the producer
on the Fatty Arbuckle movie called.
Jack Danby won't come
out of his trailer.
No, wait, Jack Danby cannot
come out of his trailer
on account of it's frozen shut.
This is what happens
when you shoot in Norway.
We gotta bring production
back to Los Angeles.
I mean, they're degrading
the industry, Jimmy.
It's a tax credit thing, you know?
I emailed Gavin Newsom,
but there's not much I can do, okay?
I agree. I agree.
And look, I hesitate to tell you this,
but there's been another
incident on the "Lassie" set.
- She bit again.
- Are you kidding me?
As a former hospital administrator,
I actually would never
joke about a puncture wound.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Oh, this is Rob.
Can you excuse me for one second?
This is Jimmy.
Hey, is Dance Mom with you?
No. Why?
Security says her badge
swiped into the lot,
but no one can find her.
We tape in two hours,
and it's a big show.
We made Ethan Sommers learn
a dance to do with her.
Oh, my God, did you check
the Harry Potter ride?
She likes to lift her top and flash
- before the photo is taken.
- First place I looked.
She wasn't there. We need to find her.
Shit. Okay, I'm gonna
head to you right now.
All right, bye.
Hey, tell Kayla she needs
to meet me at the lot.
Dance Mom is missing,
and she's probably naked.
Copy that.
[PLASTIC BERTRAND'S "CA PLANE POUR MOI"]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Hey guys, how's it going? How are ya?
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
Good to see you. Thank
you. Hey, guys. See ya.
Yeah, no.
Hey, how's it going, man?
Look at this. This is cool. Right on.
- Dance Mom?
- Dance Mom!
Oh, my God.
Dance Mom!
Fuck, where is she?
Dance Mom, where are you?
- Dance Mom!
- Dance Mom!
- Hey, sir? Excuse me.
- Excuse me, sir! Sir! Sir!
Sir, have you seen a really tall woman?
- Fancy footwork, hard nipples.
- Really hard nipples.
I've only seen Mother.
Oh, yeah, she goes by Dance Mom.
No. My mother.
Would you like to meet her?
- No, thank you.
- No, we're good.
Would you like to stay at cabin one?
I could get you a killer discount.
- Oh.
- No, please!
- Put the knife away.
- We're not on the tour.
- He's stressed. Come on.
- We're trying to find someone.
Get out of here. My God.
Why are people so method on this tour?
It's fun, but I'm just not in the mood.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- It's Randi. Hey.
Bro, I finally hacked
into Dance Mom's iCloud.
The password was deesnutz69,
but the deez was with an S
and the nuts was with a Z.
She's disgusting.
Okay, did you find her?
Wisteria Lane. I'm sending you a pin.
- Go!
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
Honestly, Randi was an amazing hire.
I know. I never miss.
Well, except Dance
Mom's your client too.
- Shut up! Go!
- Kayla!
- Dance Mom!
- Dance Mom!
Oh, no.
Is that
- Oh, my God, that's her.
- Oh, no.
She's dead. She's dead!
Oh, no.
Oh.
Mary Alice, what did you do?
I just wanted a picture
on Carrie's stoop.
Wha that's "Sex and the City."
That's famously New York.
This is the set of
"Desperate Housewives."
Carrie!
- Okay, okay.
- Get her up. Get her up.
You need to go to rehab or something.
Oh, shit. Okay, okay.
I got her. Okay. Come on.
We got to clean you up.
Okay, come on. Get her on the cart.
We're gonna get you some coffee.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, oh, she's out. She's out again.
- Okay.
- All right.
You get her in, I'll drive.
Okay, I got her. I got her.
Okay.
- All right, I'll hold her.
- All right.
- All right, I got her.
- Everyone stay calm.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh, my God.
Jesus, I almost lost her! Slow down!
I don't know how!
Ladies and gentlemen,
my next guest can be seen
In "Shadow Soldier: Dark
Down Rise" this weekend.
Please welcome to the
show Ethan Sommers.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
They love you. They love
you. Thanks for coming.
Yeah, I'm so excited to be here.
We're here. Okay. Ow, ow.
Okay. Shh. All right,
hey. Be quiet, be quiet.
- [CLATTERING]
- Oh, my God.
- [MOANING]
- Oh. Oh.
Stay with me, Dance
Mom. Stay with me, okay?
I just need to sleep for a couple hours.
- BOTH: Hey!
- You go on in 30 minutes.
Okay, so I just need a straightener.
- Your hair is fine.
- No, coke.
I just need a couple
lines and I'll be okay.
There is no way you're
doing coke right now.
I'm doing coke, Jimmy!
I have an eight ball in
my bag. I need it to go on.
- No, you cannot.
- No.
- I'm gonna get it.
- Stop, stop.
- Let go of the bag.
- Get your arms off that purse.
- Let go of the bag.
- Oh, my God.
- [SCREAMING]
- Let go of the let go!
You're not going on.
Jimmy!
Pull yourself together.
God.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- It's okay. It's okay.
Aww, see, you're fine.
No. Shh.
- [WAILING]
- Everyone's okay.
- Rob.
- Oh, I'll call you back.
Okay, I found her, but she can't go on.
One of the highest paid
actors on the planet
learned her idiotic dance.
There is no way in hell
that this woman is
performing today, okay?
She needs medical attention.
She needs mental help.
Okay, well, then she'll do the dance,
and then she'll get
the help that she needs.
You're her manager, so make it happen.
Okay? Thanks.
Oh, my God.
[EXPLOSION BOOMS]
[APPLAUSE]
Wow.
So those were the the soldiers?
Shadow soldiers, yeah, yeah.
They're very good-looking.
Well, they have a singular
purpose to destroy human life.
I've dated worse.
[LAUGHTER]
So now you're a big action star.
But I was told you got your start
slumming it in comedy like me.
Yeah, that's true, actually.
My first job was on a sitcom
called "Reporting for Dooty."
I played General Dooty's son, Rudy.
- Rudy Dooty.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
How many seasons?
Four episodes.
Ooh. [LAUGHTER]
- Ooh, ouch.
- It's heartbreaking.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
You know, that's the thing, though.
I actually don't think
I could do comedy now.
- No?
- No.
You know, it just seems impossible.
You know, no one can
take a joke anymore.
You can't say anything.
Oh, tell me about it.
I was told I couldn't bring up
your secret Snapchat account.
- [AUDIENCE "OOHS"]
- "Ooh." Oh, stop.
I'm kidding.
Kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
So you have your pilot's license?
I do. You want to go flying sometime?
I do.
[GURGLING]
[LAUGHING]
Why are you laughing?
- Fuck!
- No, hey.
Hey, come on, stay with us.
- Stay with us here.
- Come on.
We're at commercial.
Okay, I'm getting the coke.
I'm just gonna get the coke.
- I'm gonna get the coke.
- Oh, my God.
Fuck, that's a lot of coke.
- Hurry, hurry.
- Okay.
More we don't know
her tolerance right now.
Come on. Big lines. Big fat lines.
- Gator tails!
- What is a gator tail?
- Go to one party, Jimmy!
- Shut up!
You shut up! You're freaking me out!
- Okay, okay.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- No!
- Oh, we're naked.
- We're naked.
- Okay.
We're not decent. Thank you.
Okay, just giving a two-minute warning.
Thank you, two.
- Two minutes.
- Hurry.
We have two minutes.
[TAPPING] Great, great, great.
Okay. Here you go. Here's your coke.
- Come on. You can do a line.
- Wake up, princess.
Come on. Breakfast is served.
Come on. Please, please.
Bring the cocaine to the nose!
Okay. This is so fucked up.
This is so fucked up.
- Oh, my God.
- Hurry, Jimmy, God!
- Okay. Shut up. okay.
- Shh.
I can't look at this.
I can't look at this.
Okay, I'm gonna have to tickle her.
What are you talking about?
I have to make her sniff.
You can't tickle an unconscious woman.
- Okay, fine. Do it.
- Tickle, tickle, tickle.
[COUGHS]
You need to boof it to me.
What? What is she saying?
She wants you to boof it.
She wants you to put it up her butt.
I am not gonna boof it.
You're gonna boof it!
I'm not gonna boof it!
Fine, I'll boof it!
No, only Jimmy!
Nobody's boofing anybody!
God!
Look, just snort this.
[SNORTS]
Ooh ♪
I like it like that ♪
She pour another shot ♪
And now we goin' back to back ♪
I asked her if she wanted to dance ♪
She like, yeah ♪
Tomorrow's gonna hurt ♪
Baby, I ain't even mad ♪
I like it, I like it ♪
I like it like that ♪
Ooh ♪
We fucking did it.
Managers of the year.
That was horrible.
Well, that's the job, princess.
I have to go.
I have to go.
Jimmy.
Jimmy!
[SIGHS]
Talking about how she
live on the east side ♪
Windows down, the radio on blast ♪
I like it like that ♪
- [HORN BEEPS]
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Hey, stop. We just fixed that.
Okay.
Thank you.
[HORNS BLARING]
♪
How'd you know so much about that movie?
Damien writes me book reports.
Hey, Deborah, Ethan
and his team are unhappy
about that Snapchat joke you made,
and they want to have it removed.
Are you serious?
No, that's the best
part of the interview.
Hey, yeah, Ethan's publicist called Bob,
and he wants it out.
- It's okay. We'll lose it.
- Great.
- What?
- It's fine.
No, it's not fine.
It's censorship.
This is a really slippery slope.
Why even interview
him in the first place?
Let's just play the movie
trailer on repeat for an hour.
That'll be the same thing.
What would you like me to do?
Push back and tell Bob no.
Don't you have that
kind of relationship?
No, I would never call Bob
about something like this.
- We'll lose it.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna head back to the edit
and take care of it, okay?
- You want to come?
- [SCOFFS]
No. You knock yourself out.
But let me know if there's any other
sex criminals' reputations
you need me to help launder.
She'll get over it.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
It's about that time ♪
Dude, I've really been missing
the vibes at "On the Contrary"
- Ava. Hey.
- Hey, Lewis.
- How are you?
- Good.
I've been meaning to message you.
I've been watching the
show, and it's so good.
Oh, thank you.
It gets better and better every week,
and I see a lot of you in it.
That means so much.
Especially today.
Are you okay?
Yeah, we just
we had to have that
Ethan Sommers creep on,
and Deborah made,
like, the slightest joke
about his sex pest bullshit,
and the network forced us to cut it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, it's insane, especially because
Bob Lipka made us have
him on in the first place.
But it's not surprising, yeah?
I mean, studios protect their stars,
especially when they're
heading up an entire franchise.
Yeah.
So I just appreciate how
much integrity your show has.
I don't think I even
realized it till I left.
But that's why we're niche, you know?
Integrity's niche.
- Cheers to that, yeah?
- Yeah.
Speaking of niche,
what the hell are you drinking, brother?
You want one? They're delicious.
- [LAUGHS]
- Can I get one of these?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, hey, hey, baby ♪
♪
I'm telling you, darling ♪
That you upset my mind ♪
Have you heard from Jimmy?
No, I've been trying him all morning.
Oh, my God.
This is not like him.
I'm freaking out.
Can you be honest with me?
Do I gotta be working on my résumé?
Have I attached myself
to a sinking ship?
Can you keep a secret?
Not really.
Okay, good.
My dad's trying to poach me,
and he wants me to
come back to Latitude.
He gave me a jet ski
that comes with a house.
Whoa.
You know, he said that Jimmy is just not
cut out to run his own firm.
And now that Jimmy's
cracked, I don't know,
maybe he's right.
Might be.
I mean, if Jimmy's AWOL, it's like,
is there even gonna
be a LuSaque & Schaefer
slash Schaefer & LuSaque?
Oh, it's just Schaefer & LuSaque.
- When did that happen?
- Jimmy ordered it last week.
It just came in.
I think he knew it
would mean a lot to you
to have your name first.
Oh, my God.
Fuck me in the ass.
He's a sweet man.
[SIGHS]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Okay, so I get that
the sketch feels long,
but I don't think we trim anything,
because Deborah's gonna need time
to change out of her
costume since we're live.
Hi Deborah, Ava, may
I speak with you privately?
It's urgent.
Sure.
Why don't you all take ten?
Thank you.
So
the network has been
contacted for comment
on a story about Ethan Sommers.
What's the story?
Apparently, "On The
Contrary" is doing a hit piece
alleging that the studio
has been covering up
his indiscretions, and
they're highlighting
the portion of your
interview that was lifted.
They're gonna contact
you both for comment.
I need you to speak to no one about this
and direct any and all inquiries to me.
Got it?
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- It's Bob's personal PR.
I have to take this.
This is Cece.
Uh-huh.
- How did they find out?
- I didn't tell them.
- Well, I I did, but
- Ava!
I didn't tell them to do a story on it.
Oh, this is bad.
It's only a matter of time
before they make the connection to you.
Fuck. Okay, I'll fix it.
I will fix it.
We need to talk to Jimmy now.
Where the hell is Jimmy?
He is taking a couple
mental health days.
No, tell him to roll
his tiny little butt
off the massage table
and get back here now.
No.
I'm not gonna do that.
Excuse me?
Jimmy's butt is perfectly
proportional to his body,
and you have no business
telling him what to do
after the way you've treated him.
How I've treated him?
How you've both treated him!
He does so much for you,
and you don't even acknowledge it.
You didn't even have the decency
to tell him when you made up.
That is honestly cruel.
Okay, Kayla, of course
we appreciate Jimmy.
Oh, do you? Do you?
Have you ever told him that?
Have you ever acknowledged
everything he does for you?
- We must. We must have.
- Yeah.
Just this week, he
practically blew cocaine
up a certain dancing mom's ass.
I'm not mentioning names.
He almost boofed it for your show.
Boofed it?
You would never boof
anything for anyone!
Selfish.
Could be just some lone
wolf dick, macho man,
big muscles, lots of babes around him.
He chooses not to.
He chooses to run around
chasing a suit and a sweatshirt girl.
You don't deserve him.
And we as power bitches
need to treat him better!
[SHUSHING]
No, I'm not gonna shush, shush, shush.
You shush, shush, shush, earrings.
I don't appreciate him either.
I mean, he believed in
me when no one else did.
And what did I do?
Push him to the brink.
Question his manhood.
Let a rabid collie give
him staph infection.
I'm sorry, but if this is
how independent, strong women
treat a nice guy,
feminism has gone too far!
Whoa, whoa. Hang on now.
No, I'm out of here.
Just produce your own damn show.
Deborah, it's Bob Lipka's office.
He wants to see you now.
Oh, fuck.
Go.
Lewis!
Lewis!
- Hey.
- I need to talk to you.
Guys, give me a minute.
What's up?
You cannot run that
story on Ethan Sommers.
I will get in so much trouble.
And I know it sounds
like I'm trying to censor
a story about censorship, but I'm not.
I just did not know
that I was on the record.
And if I knew I was on the record,
I would have censored myself.
I'm sorry, Ava, but I can't kill it.
It's a huge cover-up.
And what you told me was just one part
of a much larger story
that we're already doing.
Yes, but that part can be
very easily connected to me,
and it'll be really bad for the show.
But it'd be worth it, no?
I mean, you're about to expose
a predator and a corporation
that's acting in his defense.
Didn't you say that you admired our show
for having the integrity
to do just that?
Yes, but that was before it
personally inconvenienced me.
Please, Lewis.
Sorry, Ava. It's happening.
Okay. Fuck.
Throw me the rock.
It's so annoying that when
you only do one show a week,
you have time to play basketball!
I haven't been to the
grocery store in three months!
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Thank you.
Hi, Bob.
Hey, Deb.
Have a seat.
You've obviously heard
we have a bit of a problem
with this "On The Contrary" piece.
Yes, and I'm sure
whoever leaked it is
We know who leaked it.
It was your head writer.
But you know that, I think.
It was just a misunderstanding.
I need her gone.
Oh, no.
Come on.
We have to be able to figure this out.
We're all on the same team here, right?
And you and your show are
important supporting players,
but you are not on the starting lineup
with my parks and my franchises.
You understand?
I understand, but I can't.
Ava being gone would
really damage the show,
and it wouldn't be good for you.
She helped us get to number one.
And that's great.
We're all really proud.
We gave you a shiny new billboard
and a live slot after
the Oscars because of it.
But that does not mean
you get to employ people
who create problems for me.
She's just a writer. Nobody cares.
Sure, but I have a board to answer to,
and I need to give them something.
I'll talk to her.
- This will never happen again.
- Deborah, listen to me.
I'm looking out for you too.
Can you really trust this girl?
I'm sorry, but fire
her or the show's done.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh, hi.
May I come in?
Yes, of course.
I'm gonna I'm just
gonna brush my teeth.
I'll be right back.
Make yourself at home.
Living room's right there.
No, it's all good. I, um yeah.
I know there's so much that you do
that I don't even know
about, and I don't want to.
But I do appreciate you,
and I should say that more often.
Thanks.
And, you know, I don't
need a thank you every day,
but 10% of the time would be nice.
I can do that.
Well, in the interest of
keeping you in the loop,
there is something I
need to let you in on.
Okay.
It's something I
really don't want to do,
but I think I have to.
[ELEGANT MUSIC]
♪
We have got a traffic jam
as more Oscar nominees,
presenters, and performers
arrive on the red carpet
at the Oscars.
Hey.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't convince Lewis
not to run the story.
Oh, no. We'll deal with that later.
I want you to head down to the carpet
and produce a segment.
I want to do a bit where we offer money
to the winners for their statue
and see who will take what for it.
I mean, that's funny,
but the ceremony has already started,
and we're still working
on the monologue.
It's okay. Just get two
or three and head on back.
There's a crew downstairs and
credentials waiting for you
on the red carpet.
You'll be back in time.
Okay. Okay, great.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Javier Bardem just won.
Wait, no. He fell down the stairs.
Hi, Ava Daniels from "Late
Night with Deborah Vance."
There should be four
press passes for us.
Okay, let me find you.
Thank you.
Hey, Ava.
Winnie.
- Hi. How are you?
- Bad.
The documentary I funded on
female genital mutilation lost.
- Ouch.
- Whatever.
Will you relay a message
to Deborah for me?
- Sure.
- Fuck you.
Oh, I might have to paraphrase that.
You know she's the
reason I was fired, right?
- What?
- She called Bob.
She wanted me gone,
and she made it happen.
No, that doesn't make any sense.
You got her the job.
I mean, Deborah's no angel,
but that doesn't sound like her.
Oh, she's fucking crazy.
I was Deborah's biggest ally.
I didn't just get her the job.
I protected that show,
and she stabbed me in the back
the moment she was able to.
I know you guys had your
differences over the spin-off
The spin-off?
Did she think I wanted
a spin-off for my health,
like I live to give another
job to Anthony fucking Anderson?
I get lit up over digital content?
I started my career
PA'ing for Terrence Malick.
I would love to just
foster great artists,
but that's not the
world we live in anymore.
All I wanted was to
keep her show on the air
and make it succeed.
But I guess she's too far up
her own ass to even notice.
- Winnie
- I gotta go.
But yeah, please be a doll
and tell her I said, "Fuck you."
Have a great night.
Okay, so I triple checked,
and you and your crew
were never added to
any credentialed list.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Okay.
[HORNS HONKING]
♪
[LINE TRILLING]
You've reached Deborah Vance.
Leave a message.
[LINE BEEPS]
Hey, I don't know what's
going on right now,
but I just need to know something.
Did you mean what you said
when you didn't let me quit?
Was that real, or did you
just say all those things
so that I would keep
working on the show?
Please, please call me back.
Sir, could you just go around?
I really need to get back.
Sorry, ma'am. It's always like this.
Too many fucking award
shows in this town.
Okay. I'm gonna get out and walk.
♪
Break a leg.
I think she'll understand.
I don't think you had a choice.
Okay, I'm gonna head
upstairs and watch from there.
Okay.
♪
[BUZZING]
Hey, I gotta get on the lot.
My badge isn't working.
Okay.
[TYPING]
Sorry, you're not in the system.
Yes, I am.
You know me. I work here.
Apparently, you don't anymore.
Oh, my God.
Okay, live show, folks.
In five, four,
three, two, one.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Please welcome your host, Deborah Vance!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
Welcome to "Late Night
with Deborah Vance" live!
[CHEERING]
And if you've been living under a rock,
maybe you haven't heard
the news, which is that we
are the number one late
night show in America.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yes!
And that's because of all of you
and all of you.
Thank you for inviting me
into your home every night.
I hope we've made you laugh.
And by we, I mean all the people
that make this show what it is,
starting with this crew, my band,
my incredible producers,
my hilarious writers.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my mom's gonna be hype.
Yeah.
Bullshit. [SCOFFS]
And my brilliant,
brilliant plastic surgeon.
[LAUGHTER]
And there is, of course, one person
who really made it happen.
And that's my head writer, Ava Daniels.
And I've been asked to fire
her by the head of this company.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
But I won't do that.
What is she doing?
- And I am sad
- Cut the feed.
Bob, I'm not gonna let you do that.
What do you mean you're
not gonna let me do that?
Cut the fucking feed.
Mark, do not cut the feed.
- Okay, Jimmy.
- You're gonna listen to him?
Not smart.
The fuck?
- Okay.
- Give me the phone.
- What are you doing?
- I cannot let you do this.
- I can't let you do this.
- Are you insane?
I don't know who you're calling.
- God no, no, don't!
- It's my phone.
- Give me my phone.
- Get off! Get off!
I'm not on you! Give me my phone.
Don't cut the feed.
- Don't cut the feed.
- Jesus.
Don't cut the feed.
I refuse to fire her.
And not just because
she's my creative partner,
but because it's a slippery slope.
A few days ago, I agreed
to cut a joke I made
to protect Ethan Sommers
and the studio's interests.
And now I'm being asked
to fire someone I love
who did nothing wrong.
So what will they ask of me next?
Where's the line?
Well, for me, it's here,
right now.
Which is why tonight
will be my last show.
No, no, no, no! What are you doing?
I'm not naive.
In this industry, you
always have to make
certain sacrifices,
because this is a business.
And I get that.
And there's good people
on the business side
who are trying to navigate
the difficult intersection
of art and commerce.
But thanks to Wall Street and big tech
disrupting our industry,
it's gone too far.
It's not enough to be
number one anymore,
or to make a profit, or
to even make you laugh.
I might be a capitalist pig myself,
but first and foremost,
I'm a comedian.
I care more about making this show
the right way than I do about
making shareholders happy.
So yes, this is goodbye.
- [CROWD GASPS]
- We love you!
Thank you. That's very sweet.
I loved going to bed
with you every night.
Sorry I'm finishing too quickly.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHUCKLES]
This was my dream.
And I'm so happy I got it.
But the dream changed.
And so did I.
So don't feel sorry for me.
Don't feel sorry for my staff.
I'll be paying their contracts out.
But I have a message for Bob Lipka
and this company's board.
You can try to silence me, but you
- Hey, it's Vince!
- No, no! What happened?
What happened?
It has a special
microfiber in the middle
You know, that gate's
been messed up ever since
somebody drove through it,
so I'm just gonna go ahead
and close my eyes for two seconds.
Thank you. I love you.
Oh, God. Fuck.
[GASPING] Bastards!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
[GRUNTS] I've been better.
What happened?
Oh, shit. [GROANS]
- Oh, my God.
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
I was trying to buy
Deborah a little more time.
I am so sorry I called
you a little bitch.
I didn't know you called me that.
And for considering
leaving you for my dad.
I'm not gonna do that.
Okay, you don't need to apologize
for stuff I didn't know
about and isn't gonna happen.
Jimmy, you saw me in a
way that nobody else did
when you said I should be a manager.
But I haven't been
seeing you, and I'm sorry.
You were right about leading with love,
and I'm gonna be better.
That's so beautiful, but I think
I have to get to an urgent care,
because I might have broken my nose.
What happened?
Uh, I went gorilla mode.
[GASPS]
Because you were right too.
Sometimes you need to lead with love,
and sometimes you gotta go gorilla mode.
Yes!
This is why we're the best couple ever.
Are we a couple?
Are we a couple?
We're not a couple. We're not a couple.
Couple of business guys.
It's gonna be Schaefer
& LuSaque for life.
We're gonna die together!
I don't doubt that.
♪
Deborah!
Hi. Hi.
Why?
Why did you do that?
You should have fired
me and kept the show.
There's no show without you.
I'm I'm so confused.
Why did you kick me off the lot?
Because I knew if you figured
out what I was gonna do,
you'd try to stop me.
You're annoying like that.
[LAUGHS TEARFULLY]
Are you sure?
I am.
Let's go.
♪
So what now?
Well, I don't know.
As long as we keep working,
we'll figure something
Hey!
Where do you think you're going?
Well, I'm guessing
not back to your place.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
You just burned the whole thing down.
Move.
You just threw away an entire career.
And for what?
For her? Really?
After everything you've worked for?
And you think people give a shit
about your high moral stance?
I'll tell you what,
Deb, they just wanted
a couple of laughs
before they go to bed.
You're done, my friend.
I'll be fine, thanks.
We own you.
You know that, right?
We have a noncompete clause.
You can't touch a mic
for the next 18 months.
You can't walk on a stage.
You can't step in front of a camera.
You can't sing in the fucking shower.
And if you do,
I will be suing you
into fucking oblivion.
What a goddamn shame.
So isolated ♪
I talk to the voice in my head ♪
So isolated ♪
My body is taking a leave ♪
So isolated ♪
I don't want to let people see ♪
My isolation ♪
Is simple and stupid as me ♪
[CHERRY GLAZERR'S "ISOLATION"]
Don't crowd me out ♪
'Cause I am not a shell ♪
I burned myself ♪
When I was running hell ♪
Don't let go ♪
Everybody knows ♪
Don't let go ♪
Everybody shows ♪
So isolated ♪
I talk to the voice in my head ♪
♪
So isolated ♪