Hot In Cleveland s04e02 Episode Script

A Midwinter Night's Sex Comedy

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Isn't Wilbur beautiful? Yes.
He doesn't look a thing like you.
He's got my ears.
Don't worry.
He can get those pinned back.
Good morning.
Wow, that's some outfit.
Is it "take the girls to work" day? I don't know what you're talking about.
This is perfectly appropriate office attire.
If you're secretly in love with your boss.
I thought your plan was to fight your attraction to Alec.
It is.
And I wasn't even thinking about Alec when I put on my do-me bra and my do-me dress and my do-me shoes.
Oh, Wilbur, don't look at me like that.
Okay, I'm lying.
What is it about that sweet smile that just cuts right through the B.
S.
? And makes you want to be a better person.
I didn't even put whiskey on my oatmeal this morning.
All right, Wilbur.
I put less whiskey.
Wilbur, I promise to get through this day without flirting with my boss.
Although what if I told you he's been a little flirty with me? Okay, you're right.
You're right.
For once, I'm gonna forget the guy and focus on my career.
Maybe it's the oatmeal talking, but that kid makes sense.
Well, I really am focusing on my work.
I'm a little loopy 'cause I was up until 2:00 a.
m.
trying to come up with P.
R.
Slogans to attract people to Cleveland.
I'll tell you, there is no place like Cleveland if you want to get fat.
There's a winner.
You want to gain weight? Oh, these aren't groceries.
These are Oscar bait.
Like Charlize Theron and Renee Zellweger, I have been asked by my director to gain weight for a movie.
Woody Allen requests it, the Academy respects it, and the Oscar display case that I built 20 years ago could really use it.
That's my dream, to have someone demand I gain weight.
Preferably George Clooney in a tuxedo in his villa in Lake Como, holding a platter of cannoli, "Mangia, mangia.
" He's probably just trying to get you to stop talking.
Grandma? Nah, too old-fashioned.
Granny? What am I, a Clampett? Nana? Yeah.
Strong, sexy, with just a hint of danger.
Nana is gonna be with you every step of the way, from preschool to college.
And you will go to college, Wilbur.
Oh, I know, I never graduated.
And You're right, I have time now.
And, yes, I realize Cleveland State is only a couple of miles away.
How do you know these things? Where are you off to? Just out.
Why are you being so evasive? You've been going "just out" a lot lately.
What are you up to? If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
I'm torn.
- Good morning, Alec.
- Melanie, good morning.
You are looking lovely today.
Oh, I wasn't trying to.
You have an interesting way of taking a compliment.
Thank you.
That one wasn't really a compliment.
Oh, sorry.
Boy, you sure are cute when you blush.
I didn't mean to be.
Biscotti? Oh, no, I shouldn't.
Oh, come on.
Mangia, mangia.
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah, Chloe is not gonna be happy about this.
We were just sharing a biscotti.
No, Chloe is afraid of thunder and heights, the color orange, but the word "blue.
" Do not mix that up.
Wow.
Well, listen, all beautiful women are crazy, right? Well, Chloe is very beautiful, yes.
That time, I was talking about you.
Oh, thank you.
Or how dare you! I'm so confused.
Let's get to work, shall we? The Ohio Wine Council wants a venue for their new chardonnay launch, someplace romantic.
Yeah.
And I was thinking Ferullo's.
Ooh, I've never been.
Tell you what, how about you and I check it out Thursday? Say, drinks at 7:00? Yeah.
Sounds great.
- It's a date.
- A date.
- Morning.
- Chloe, hi! Oh, Alec.
That thunder.
Hold me! The thunder is over, Chloe.
Come on, you know you want me.
I'm your wife.
Ex-wife.
I could be your X-rated wife.
That's a nice thought, but we both know that our marriage ended with an R-rating for strong language and unpleasant adult situations.
I'm gonna go grab some coffee.
Ladies.
He is so handsome.
Why did I ever divorce him? Yeah, why did you? I was young and foolish and wanted to land a big account and didn't think he'd be home so early.
You had an affair to get an account? It was a top-three tire company.
Don't make it sound cheap.
Melanie, I'm worried.
When I flirt with Alec, he always flirts back, but lately, nothing.
And obviously, I can still bring it, so I'm pretty sure he's falling for someone else.
You really think so? I mean, you know, why would I care? Well, you care because I'm your boss, and I'm ordering you to find out who this ex-husband-stealing bitch is.
I need you to be on top of Alec every minute.
Gladly.
I mean, um, I'll-- I'll do him-- I'll do it! So what are you gonna do to her when you find her? Great thing about Ohio, everybody's got a wood chipper.
I'm scared.
Me too.
- So basically - Hmm? Chloe's asking me to spy on myself.
- What are you gonna do? - No idea.
You're sure you're the one he's interested in? I am.
He looked at me the way I'm looking at this third cupcake.
For me, it's all about the French fries.
Oh, come to mommy, you salty, greasy bit of heaven.
I'm gonna put you in my mouth.
I bet you wish you had a dime for every time you've said that.
All right, you two.
That's enough, no fighting.
Now I want to thank you all for supporting me by gaining a solidarity pound.
Oh, it's so liberating to be able to just pig out.
Yum! Victoria, all you ate was a sprinkle.
Delicious.
It's still in your mouth, isn't it? Not anymore.
Well, that just went straight to my thighs.
I thought you wanted to gain weight for this part.
Well, I do, but it's just such hard work.
It's not hard! It's a cupcake.
It's literally a piece of cake.
I mean, I could eat them in my sleep.
I do eat them in my sleep.
And then I wake up horrified from the dream, and then I'm mad at myself for not enjoying it because it was just a dream, for God's sakes! But go on, you said you had food issues.
What's the big deal? Just eat.
I can't do this.
Poor Victoria.
She's always been thin.
This is totally out of her comfort zone.
Yeah.
Maybe it's good to get out of your comfort zone.
I mean, I'm always worried about consequences and planning ahead.
You know what? I'm just gonna let things happen with Alec.
Let the chips fall where they may.
Oh! Chips.
Well, if we're all breaking free of our comfort zones, I'm thinking about going back to college.
It's always bothered me that I didn't finish, and I want to set a good example for Wilbur.
That's fantastic! Is nobody gonna say the obvious? She's too old.
All right.
This should explain everything.
I wore these to Camp New Beginnings when I was 10.
You went to fat camp? No, it was a sports camp for fat kids.
You never told us.
Yeah, well, I blocked a lot of that time out.
But I still remember what the other kids at school called me.
"Thicktoria Chase" or "Victoria chases an ice cream truck.
" Also, "Lardass.
" But with hard work, by the end of that summer, I went from "Thicktoria" to "Sticktoria.
" And I keep these pants around just to remind me never to get fat again.
And now I have the role of a lifetime, and I can't eat the rolls to make it happen.
Why don't you just chew the scenery like you usually do? Why cant you just talk to Woody, explain the situation? Yeah, maybe he'll say it's not a big deal.
Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to ask, right? Oh, boy.
Hi, Chloe.
She's afraid of thunder.
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no! - Hold me.
- Oh, okay.
It's gonna be okay, Chloe.
I miss Alec.
He was such a good thunder buddy.
At the first crack of lighting, he'd swoop me up, carry me to bed, and hold me all night.
He seems like he'd be really great at Thunder buddy-ing.
Alec was the perfect husband, and I ruined it.
Any information on that slut he's interested in? No, no.
Do you have any idea who the slut could be? I overheard him on the phone talking to his brother about a curvy brunette with a killer smile.
Killer smile, huh? Mm, did he say anything else? No.
I feel like I can trust you, Melanie.
Yeah, you can.
Listen, I will find this hot brunette.
I didn't say hot.
Well, yeah, but she sounds like she's got a lot going for her.
I will find her and tell her to forget about Alec.
It's a lost cause.
You're a bad thunder-buddy but you're a good spy, and that's more important in a friend.
Hey, the rain stopped.
Oh, thank God.
You can go now.
Well, it's 2:00 in the morning.
We're done here.
Scoot! Melanie, I left three messages with Woody's assistant, and he never called me back.
Oh, the lights in my trailer just went out.
Hello, Miss Chase? Are you in there? Oh, my God! It's Woody! I gotta go.
Uh, come in.
With all the thunder, I just wanted to make sure you were safe.
Oh, well, that's so sweet.
Well, can you believe this Cleveland weather? La-di-dah! La-di-dah.
In the late '60s, I tried to become a weatherman.
This was shortly after the Black Panthers turned down my application.
Apparently, I had the fierce heart of a radical but threw a Molotov cocktail like a girl.
Look, I am so grateful to be a part of this film, but, um, I'm just really struggling with the concept of gaining weight for the role.
It would be a shame to desecrate such a beautiful figure.
On the other hand, I want to do anything I can to please you.
Well, that sounds promising.
You slept with Woody Allen? Yes, and I feel terrible about it.
I-I don't know what came over me.
I can't say I approve, but did he at least change the part, so you don't have to gain weight? Well, he said he'd see what he could do.
I just have to make it very clear to him that I cannot sleep with him again.
Oh, it's just such a cliche to have an affair with your director.
Or your boss.
There is nothing going on here.
Chloe guilted me right back to my comfort zone.
I mean, I'm still gonna see Alec tomorrow night, but if anything romantic happens, I'm just gonna tell him I can't.
Not right away, of course, 'cause I'm still allowed a little flirting, right? Hey, where have you been? Out.
Humiliating myself.
So just out.
What happened? Wilbur talked me into registering for college, and now I'm questioning the whole thing.
Oh, honey, why? Everyone looked at me like I was someone's mom or a teacher or a teacher's mom.
I overheard one girl say, "if I'm still in school when I'm that old, kill me.
" They obviously think I'm some desperate, middle-aged woman trying to do something with her life.
Kids can be so cruel.
And so right.
I'm sorry, Wilbur.
I'm not going back.
Oh, no.
Did I just make him frown? I can't be responsible for his first wrinkle.
All right, I'll do it.
You know, this Cuyahoga river chardonnay, despite its name, is actually--it's pretty good.
- Mmm.
I'm getting notes of citrus and Anjou pear and honeysuckle.
That's impressive.
How do you do that? I read the label.
It's a little trick I learned to impress women.
Also, it may contain sulfites.
Very sexy.
Man, you've got a killer smile.
So I've heard.
I mean-- Thank you.
This place really is romantic.
Mm-hmm.
So the client said they wanted the kind of place where you take someone when you want them to fall in love with you, right? I could certainly see falling in love here, couldn't you? Yeah, I could see that.
Alec, um-- I'm sorry, Alec.
This isn't gonna work.
Why not? Well, we have some pretty big obstacles here.
Well, I suppose so.
I don't usually go for something so old.
Excuse me? Th--this restaurant, it's got a lot of charm.
Oh, the restaurant.
Yeah, no, the restaurant's perfect, um-- Oh, my date is here.
She's early.
Your date? Yeah.
Right over there.
Curvy brunette with a killer smile Who's so young.
Yeah, that's great.
Good for you! I'd hit that.
- You're funny.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, I figured I was going to be here with you on business, why not meet her for dinner after? For pleasure.
Makes perfect sense.
- This was fun.
- Yeah.
I'm almost sorry she came early.
No, I think she came at just the right time.
- Tomorrow then.
- Tomorrow.
Notes of humiliation and defeat.
So that's her.
Chloe, what are you doing here? I overheard him make reservations, so I followed him.
You beat me to it.
Good job.
Oh, yeah, right.
That, yeah.
And you know, as soon as he saw me tailing him, well, you know, I had to join him for a drink.
For a second, when I saw your car in the lot, I thought you were his mystery woman.
Yeah, like he'd be interested in me.
Right.
It seems so obvious now.
I hate her.
Me too.
You know, on your behalf.
So now that we know the truth, I guess maybe we can just move on.
Are you kidding? He'll never be happy with that young piece of fluff.
- So there's hope? - Oh, there's hope.
I'll get him back.
Team Chloe, right? Yeah.
Team Chloe! You said it weird.
Welcome to Econ 101.
I'm Professor Oliver.
I see we have a senior citizen among us.
Excuse me? But I am hardly a senior citizen.
So clearly you're making some kind of a joke at my expense.
Well, I'm not gonna put up with it.
Not from you, Professor, or you, smirky frat boy, or you, snarky, neck-tattoo girl.
Oh, that's gonna look good in 30 years.
And frankly, Professor, I would think that someone who shaves his head to hide his premature baldness would be a little more sensitive to the fact that I clearly do not want to draw attention to myself! I think he was talking to me.
Sweetheart? Hello? - We need to talk.
- I-- You're not Woody.
Victoria, it's me, Gary.
Gary? I haven't been able to stop thinking about our love-making.
It was far too brief, for which I apologize.
I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no idea who you-- Oh, my God.
I slept with a crew member.
- No offense.
- None taken.
But wait, we talked about the script.
You said you'd see what you could do.
I did, I did.
I spoke to Woody, and you don't have to gain a single pound.
Being an assistant director has its perks.
Who did you think I was? Oh, surely I'm not the first to notice that, in the right light or no light at all, you sound exactly like Woody Allen.
Look, he's had the same crew for the last 30 years.
When you work with a man that long, I suppose it's only logical that some of his mannerisms, you know, might rub off.
Deshawn, what's up? Gary I'm afraid there's been a minor incident in the makeup trailer.
So why, Elka? Why didn't you tell me you were in school? I have my reasons.
And why economics? What have you got up your Kleenex-filled sleeve? None of your business.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, my God.
What's all this money? What money?