Hotel Babylon (2006) s04e04 Episode Script
Episode 28
When you invite a group of gamblers into your hotel for a poker tournament, it's bound to have an effect on the staff.
And there's always a chance that things can get out of hand.
What cards do you have? She's been cheating.
But life is full of risk.
Getting to a meeting on time Hmm! .
.
or eating in the staff canteen Two breakfasts, please.
Ugh! .
.
can be full of hidden dangers.
HE SNEEZES And even the simplest human transaction carries the possibility of misunderstanding.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you very much.
I've got something for you, big shot.
Here's your 200.
Next time we meet on the green baize, I taking you down, my friend.
Most of us have learnt to manage risk Well, this place is totally weird.
There's some really big names here - good players from the gambling circuit.
'.
.
but life can deal you an unexpected card.
' Damien Rushby? What? One of the biggest hoteliers in Europe.
Well, make sure it clears.
A hundred million.
Damien Rushby's my father.
Seriously? Well, that makes you hotel royalty.
Actually, it makes me feel pretty sick.
Sorry, I need to get some air.
It's exhilarating out there today.
Yeah.
Almost as cool as when we had the Swedish striptease team come for the Sex Olympics.
Did we? No.
But a man can dream.
Here she is, the girl that brought us the biggest game in town.
GINO: Hey, hey.
JULIET: Why are you so excited today? Well, gamblers are my kind of people.
We're not afraid to put our balls on the line.
Thanks for the visuals, Sam, but try to control yourself today.
Control myself? I know you like to gamble, but sometimes you get carried away.
Don't worry.
Emily and I are hosting.
I'll just be an expert onlooker.
OK.
Where's Tony? I saw him in the corridor.
No, you didn't.
He just phoned me to say he's had an incident in the lift and he's gonna be late.
Emily, what do we need to know? Sorry? What? About the tournament.
Oh! Umyes.
The Texas hold 'em is a popular poker variant, and the Hold 'Em 50 sees 50 players each paying ten grand a seat.
It's a survival of the fittest knockout, so the last man standing walks away with half a million pounds.
You know a lot about it.
You get more than a basic education at a girls' private school.
Emily and Sam are the tournament directors, so they'll be busy all day, as the poker is our main event.
I'd like to remind everybody that the restaurant will be closed after lunch for the reading.
What? This bloke Bobby Mack? Yes.
He's one of my favourite neorealists, actually.
You know, his latest opus is a staggering ".
.
story of authenticity and genius.
" yeah.
I tried to read it.
A bit too stodgy for me.
- Is there anything else? - There is one last thing.
Arianna Adams is booked in to stay today.
The shipping heiress.
Sorry I'm late, one of those mornings.
You do realise that Arianna Adams is not going to show? She's a phantom guest.
She always books the Hanging Garden Suite every summer.
Always pays, never comes.
Well, her people e-mailed me last night, detailing her demands.
She never comes.
She is DEFINITELY coming.
So, Sam, I need you to vacate the Hanging Garden Suite.
Of course.
Straight away.
JULIET: And everybody else, I need you to be fully prepared.
I'll bet you 50 she never comes.
You may want to hang on to your money today, Gino.
TONY: So, what did I miss? Oh, there's some big beasts here for the poker, Tony.
There's bound to be a few rabbits as well.
Maybe we could skin a few, eh? Gambling's bad for your health.
Speaking of which, the 200 you owe me? Very funny, pretty boy.
It's great to be in London, isn't it? I know I'm not gonna have a chance to see any of the sights while we're here, so I'm gonna spend the day channelling what it would be like to eat cucumber sandwiches on a double-decker bus, next to freaky dudes in bowler hats.
You're pale.
Have you eaten? I'll get you some breakfast.
Keep those blood sugars up.
It's not bad here.
The maitre d's got the funniest accent.
I nearly lost it when I heard him say, "Black pudding and grilled tomatoes.
" I'll go find the concierge.
OK, thank you.
Emily.
Here's ten grand.
I wanna play.
Sneak me in.
Sam, I don't think I'm gonna be able to host this tournament today.
What? It's personal.
I, umI can't do it with my father here.
Emily, this is your baby.
You know all the details.
I can't do this without you.
Erno.
I asked for 39mm clay.
These are too heavy.
I want 8.
5 to 10 gram.
No problem.
Look, I'm gonna have to go.
He's on his way.
I'm really sorry.
What's going on? We haven't seen each other in over a year.
He's arrogant and he's difficult and we haven't had much of a relationship since my mum died.
Your mum died? Five years ago.
Sorry, I didn't know.
We never really dealt with it, and then he went and got rid of all her stuff without asking me.
So having him here Is your chance to put things right.
MAN: Good morning, Mr Rushby.
It's not the time or the place.
DAMIEN: Emily! Shit.
I'll take this.
Hello, darling.
Hi.
Sorry I missed your birthday.
And Christmas.
"Emily James"? Using your mum's name, not mine? Well, it's just for work, it's nothing personal.
Isn't it? You're such a big figure on the hotel scene, anything I achieve I want to do it on my own merit.
Quite right.
So you're here for the tournament? Yeah, well, I wanted to talk to you, and when I heard the game was here, it seemed like the perfect opportunity.
Yes.
I thought we could have a chat.
Well, I'm very busy.
But I hope you have a wonderful stay at Hotel Babylon.
Well, that's what I like to see, a friendly face at reception.
Always sets the right tone.
Mr Rushby, this is such a thrill.
Your hotels are fabulous.
An inspiration.
Oh, thank you.
Would you ask Mr Franklin to come up and see me, please? OK.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'd like the full English breakfast.
Oh, really, Tony? SOUTHERN ACCENT: And I'd like a pastrami on rye with the pickle on the side! HE LAUGHS Very funny.
Who's Tony? I haven't got time for this.
Oh.
Have a nice day.
Umdo you like this? Oh, it's gorgeous.
And very expensive.
That's the whole point.
The Italian in 207 gave it to me.
Oh.
But it's not really my style.
I was wondering whether you'd like it.
No, I couldn't.
Oh, honestly.
It's not a problem.
I want you to have it.
Please.
Hey.
Hey.
Your dad is lovely.
He's so stylish.
Where would you like these ghastly chicken wings? Just pop them there.
Now, the e-mail from Arianna's people specifically requested that we get in some Old Tiger Saffron gin.
And some white winter truffles to shave over her hot-buttered linguine? Oh, have you got them? Course we have.
You've laid on quite a welcome.
Here's to a long and healthy relationship.
That's a very impressive watch.
This? It went up with Apollo 11.
Really? Yep.
It's priceless.
How did you come by it? I won it in a card game.
Are you a player? Not today.
Oh, shame.
I heard about you buying this place.
Very audacious.
It's a tight-knit community in the hotel game.
Most of us grew up on the shop floor together.
But you went straight in at the top.
I was fortunate to be in a position to do so.
These are tough times.
Oil spike, dollar slump, credit crunch.
People are finding it hard to keep afloat.
Now, I've got 12 hotels in my portfolio - I can absorb these fluctuations.
But what about you? I manage.
Word on the street says you're making a decent fist of things, but you have liquidity issues and you're not a natural for the hotel game.
I'm sure you don't mean to be rude, but that's how it's coming across.
I want to help you.
I can offer you a way out.
I'll take Babylon off your hands.
I'll give you what you paid for it, plus 10% on top.
Not bad in a recession.
Babylon's not for sale.
You'd better be sure of that.
Things are only gonna get worse from here.
And I'm not coming back with a better offer.
You may have been in the hotel game since time began but you've got no style.
This is just business.
It's not the way I do business.
DOOR SLAMS Dry-cleaning! Oh, my God! In German mythology, meeting your double is a very bad omen.
Well, that's one more reason why I'm glad I'm not German, then! Yeah.
Come in, come in.
Oh, you're the famous author.
Bobby Mack.
Oh.
Tony.
I'm glad to see one of us has made something of himself.
It doesn't always feel that way.
I've been signing for the last two hours.
It's been the same every day for the last ten weeks.
Wow! Yeah.
This book tour's so long, I sometimes lose track of who I am.
Yeah, I know how that feels.
Pint with the boys at lunchtime, that's what gets me through the day.
Oh, I miss that old scene.
I used to work in a department store, three years, in New York City.
I used to feel like all human life was there.
Now all I see is the inside of a five-star hotel.
MOBILE BEEPS How sad for you.
Yeah, I really have to go, but it was nice to meet you.
Maybe I'll see you again at your book signing.
Sure.
Er, I want you to have this.
Thank you very much, sir.
OK.
Miss Adams.
I believe you've been expecting me.
I'm Arianna Adams.
HiMISS ADAMS! My people should have sent you an e-mail with my particular requests.
Miss Adams, it's a pleasure to have you staying with us.
We received your e-mail and everything's ready, so please come this way.
Tell Gino he owes me 50 quid.
Miss Adams, wait.
Tanya, I need your help.
SHE SHRIEKS Step away from the lift.
Umer Ben, there are people waiting.
Sorry.
I always keep several hotel rooms booked.
I never know which one will take my fancy.
Quickly.
Wonderful hotel.
Lovely staff.
Excuse me.
We up the creek without a puddle.
Every year I've had her wretched truffles flown in and every year I've watched them rot slowly and expensively when she didn't show.
Me too, with the gin - I had to sell it at discount to the Royal to balance the balance sheet.
OK, OK, what are we gonna do? Well, I in denial.
I'm going to light a big cigar, listen to some Charles Aznavour and kiss the roly-poly woman from housekeeping and hope it goes away.
But it's Arianna Adams! Don't panic.
I'll call in some favours.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to follow me, the poker tournament is about to begin.
- HMRC.
Spot check on your returns.
What? We're gonna need invoices, matching receipts, payroll records, going back seven years.
You're kidding.
I don't see anyone laughing.
You look troubled, my child.
Could I be of any assistance? Oh, not unless Your Eminent can use your Bible magic and turn water into Old Tiger saffron gin.
You get some very exotic types in here, don't you? We got a big poker game here today.
I always wished I'd learned to play.
Oh.
Had my chance when I was young.
Well, against the backdrop of eternity, Your Magnificent, we all still young.
Can you teach me, please? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Holiness, no, no.
I don't wanna get in trouble with your boss in heaven because I've taken all your money.
Please.
No, no, no.
No.
How much you want to play for? I just met your father.
Lucky you.
Quite a character.
Can you help me find table five? Hi.
I'm Emily James.
I'm Crispin Lloyd.
But everyone calls me Justice.
I'll show you to your table.
Why does everyone call you Justice? We all have aliases to make us seem interesting.
I used to be a lawyer, human rights.
Oh.
Oh.
SHE GIGGLES Oh, not Justice again.
I thought I'd cleaned you out last time.
And I thought you'd changed your name to Cashpoint, seeing as you're always giving your money away.
Today's game too rich for you, Franklin? Sam, Emily.
The Revenue are here, they're doing a spot check.
I'll come up.
What?! Sam, we were going to do our opening address together.
You'll be fine.
MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK Welcome, everyone, to Hold 'Em 50 at Hotel Babylon.
This is a massive inconvenience.
We're holding a major event today.
Can't we do it some other time? It's a spot check, you don't get to pick your time.
The hotel was audited last year.
Your operating systems are slack and your drawdown facilities are shocking.
But I had the place checked before I bought it.
Maybe that check wasn't thorough enough.
Two pairs.
Oh.
Must be beginner's luck.
Yeah.
You are surprisingly good at this.
I think the good Lord is looking down on me, protecting me.
The good Lord.
Do you want to raise the stakes? Yeah, OK.
The game's starting, Billy.
Pick on someone your own size.
Oh, no, it's OK.
I can handle it.
Don't mess with Billy the Beast.
Billy the Beast? You're not a priest? I was till I gambled the church roof funds and found something better to worship.
Come on, Billy.
BILLY LAUGHS Moscow and Bombay are great cities.
So is London, Rome, Berlin, but we never get to see any of them.
We wait at airports, get on planes, check into hotels, do a reading of the book, do a signing of the book, wait at an airport, get on a plane, check into a hotel.
It's like Groundhog Day.
I know.
Maybe after, we could go for a drink or something.
Er Er Or not.
I'm going to, er go.
HE SIGHS It's a catastrophe.
I know.
I've tried everyone.
Nobody has any white truffles or any Old Tiger saffron gin.
Not that.
I just been mugged by a man in a white collar.
Ben, can you lend me some money till payday? Gino, don't let your mind wander.
It's far too small to be let out on its own.
Arianna's booked into the restaurant in an hour.
What? Oh, God.
Have you guys seen this American author? He's my spitting image.
Lemonade, please.
Honestly, he and I are exactly the same.
Yeah, except that he's been on the bestseller list for 40 weeks.
Yeah, and he's sitting upstairs in one of our most expensive suites.
While you're wondering if you can afford the daily specials.
< Apart from that Thanks, guys.
You organised all this? Very impressive.
How long have you worked here? Just over a year.
Head of PR.
It's a good job.
A lot of responsibility.
Yes, I enjoy it.
I think it's time you stepped up a gear, though.
Manage one of the family hotels, perhaps.
You don't want to be a PR girl all your life.
You see, this is one of our major problems.
You disappear for large periods of my life and you pop back in at your convenience and expect me to listen to your advice.
I'm sorry, I thought we could catch up.
Oh, right, in between card games.
Look, I have a really important job supervising this today and I could really do without your cosy chats and career advice.
Emily, listen.
No, YOU listen.
Just concentrate on your game and leave me alone.
Oi.
Where's that taxi I ordered? I'm just on hold now, sir.
You're about as useful as an ejector seat in a helicopter.
BOBBY LAUGHS This is not a spectator sport, you know.
Sorry, it was a cool phrase.
People say the most perceptive things.
Er404's luggage is stuck at Terminal 5 and wants you to chase it up.
And this is Brutus.
He's 19 and incontinent, so if he's not walked every OK.
Thank you, Ben.
Oh, Tony, erafter you've taken care of the Roman dog, could you come up and see me? I've got a request of my own.
Yeah.
DOG FARTS Bloody hell.
Oh, you know he's doing a reading here today.
Yes, I do know.
That's why I'm here.
I'm his biggest fan.
I'm crazy for him.
I've bombarded him with countless letters Oh, gosh.
Well, enjoy your meal.
Get a move on! She's here! She's here! OK, where's the food dye? Has anyone seen my Perigords? Oh, my gosh, this is never gonna work.
What do you need from me? You get to meet a lot of people during your day, with their strange requests.
I thought maybe we could swap places for the day.
Cheers.
What, I become the famous author and you become? Mm-hm, yeah.
I'd really love to do your job, just for a few hours.
Seriously, you wanna be a concierge? I need some variety.
I need a change of rhythm.
You would get to take a break up here.
Right now that is rather appealing.
Yeah.
I mean, afternoon in five-star luxury.
Get to put whatever you want on my bill.
No.
Nice try, but no.
You've gotta do your book reading later on.
I'm not a public speaker.
Tony, you're a natural.
You deal with the public all the time.
Come on.
How's your American accent? My British is pretty good.
"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
" It's Michael Caine.
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
" Gene Wilder! That's brilliant.
Hey, hey, we could do this.
We can? Yeah.
Tony, come on, think about it.
What have we got to lose? What do you say? Watch this.
I soaked these ordinary Perigord truffles in oil and then glazed them with egg to get just the right hue.
Old Tiger gin gets its colour from being steeped with saffron for years, but this is the perfect match.
OK, you guys are mad.
Arianna will never tell the difference.
Service! All right, come on.
Enjoy your meal, madam.
The moment of truth.
Come on, God.
You let your preacher take my money, now you're going to help me.
We did it.
We bloody did it.
ALL: Yes! I can't believe I'm doing this.
That is my book of secrets.
It's got every contact number and every eventuality I've had over the last 20 years.
But if you do have any problems, I'm always on the end of the phone.
And if things get out of control for you, Paige, my PA, she's a great backstop.
Are you and her an item? Oh, I see.
You like her.
What's not to like? She's young, intelligent, hip, slick and beautiful.
If opposites attract, I might stand a chance, though.
I'm afraid when she looks at me, all she sees is a boring old grouch.
Speak for yourself.
Well, I got guests to attend to.
Come here.
Thank you.
So I'll see you back here for the swap-over at 6.
30.
I must be mad.
OK, Tony, 6.
30.
Ladies and gentlemen, and blinds are now going up Thank you.
Chicken wing? SHE LAUGHS Yeah, I'm only using them as an excuse to talk to you.
I never realised they could be deployed as a chat-up device.
You have to be highly skilled! Do you think you'll win today? Only if I can shake off Rushby.
Everyone's got a tell when they're lying at cards - a small thing that gives them away - and I can usually spot it, except with Damien.
I can't read Damien.
Emily.
Sorry.
Can you cover for me? Health and Safety have turned up.
What?! Like a dog with a bone once they get their teeth in.
Buggers to shake loose.
EXAGGERATED AMERICAN ACCENT Room service, please.
I'd like a steak and chips oh, French fries.
Oh.
Always a pleasure to see you, Tony.
But I'm in a bit of a rush.
But please do send up the usual.
Oh, the usual? You know what makes me happy.
Sam Franklin.
Can I help you? Health and Safety.
Here to do spot checks on your exits, emergencies and extinguishers.
We were checked two weeks ago.
Who's your qualified first aider? Emily James, head of PR.
I want to see her.
Well, you can't.
Sam, I'll deal with this.
I'm going to speak to Rushby.
EMILY: Chip leader at the moment is Devil Fish.
Damien Rushby is second, Justice third.
APPLAUSE This is difficult for me, because family is family and I don't want to intrude.
What? What has he done? Well, as you know, we've had the Revenue crawling all over us all day, and Health and Safety have turned up with practically the same agenda.
And this morning your father tried to buy the hotel from me.
What? I was just wondering if these events were related.
I'm not saying he'd Of course they are.
It's just the kind of stunt he would pull.
He doesn't even pause to think about me.
I know this is tricky for you Sam, this is where I work.
This is my life, and he has no respect for that.
We have to get rid of him.
I didn't want to be the one to say it, but, yes, we do.
Any ideas? Plenty.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, come in.
Room service.
Yeah, just put it right there.
My God, Tony was right.
Who? No, I'm sorry, you just look remarkably like a friend of mine.
Is he witty and intelligent? No, not really.
Could you sign this? Sure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, blimey.
Excuse me? You know, rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a pub.
Apples and pears, I got big flares.
It's amazing what you pick up on BBC America.
Absolutely.
Oh, this is for you.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
I have a feeling some of the problems I've been encountering today with the authorities might have something to do with you.
No idea what you're talking about.
You're sabotaging my hotel.
I said I don't know what you're talking about.
You know you said you didn't know Damien's tell.
SHE WHISPERS I'll raise your 50,000.
I'm all in.
That's big money, Damien.
- Think you've got me beat? - I KNOW I have.
You're bluffing.
I'll call.
APPLAUSE "The usual, the usual.
" Er I know that you want the usual and that the usual makes you happy, but I was thinking that we've known each other for so long, erthat maybe we could do something unusual for a change.
This is an anthurium.
It's my favourite flower.
It's divine.
You know, I was thinking of Iris Murdoch today, and she said, "People from a planet without flowers "must think that we're mad with joy the whole time "to have such things about us.
" I hope it makes you mad with joy.
Oh.
Oh.
So much more interesting than the evening paper you usually bring me.
Oh, lovely.
Evening paper.
It's just me.
Oh.
Whoa.
Sorry.
Cute boxers.
I, erI just came to say you're on in ten.
Oh, OK.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES I'm sorry you felt you had to do that.
It's nothing to do with me.
I could hardly miss you whispering to Justice.
Are you leaving now? Look, I didn't come for us to get into a fight.
You hardly came in peace.
You tried to buy the hotel.
Do you know why I wanted the hotel? It was for you.
That is totally crass.
Is that your idea of trying? I thought it could bring us back together.
Just leave.
Is everything OK? This is between me and my Your necklace.
You can't buy me.
I think you should go.
Are you OK? Er, me? Yeah.
Sure, I'm fine.
You'll be wonderful.
You've done this a hundred times before.
You see? Two Tonys.
< Can't be good for the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Bobby Mack.
APPLAUSE Pretty spineless of you to send friends to do your dirty work.
No different from you using my daughter to knock me out of the tournament.
You caused me a great deal of inconvenience.
And you and Emily have just cost me a lot of money.
You'd have lost it anyway.
Oh, really? You're a big game tourist.
You shouldn't have been in that hand.
How much have you won at the poker table this year? Not as much as you've lost.
I've won half a million so far, and I don't even need the money.
Whereas you're clinging to Babylon after the shipwreck of your business career.
And you haven't even got the balls to join the big boys to play poker today.
Let's play now.
Heads up, no limit.
Sure you can handle it? Follow me.
"As the sky snapped shut like a broken bulb "and the satanic storm gathered to scorn them, his body split, "and she reached deep within him "and wept.
" APPLAUSE Mr Mack will now take a few questions.
- Who's first? - Ah, yes.
Yes.
< Mr Mack, I've always wanted to know, when you write "three white mice sit under a juniper tree", what exactly is it that you mean by that? HE GROANS Wh-what do I mean? What is the symbolism in that phrase that you repeat so often in your work? What is it that you're trying to indicate to us? Um that's What I mean, when I wrote that, umI, um What I'm trying tosay .
.
is that there's three white mice and they're sitting .
.
under a juniper tree.
Er, do you understand? Yes, I think I do now.
I think I do finally.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's Anyone else? HUBBUB How much are we playing for? How much have you got? Enough.
BEN: Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Pleasure to meet you.
Thank you so much, Mr Mack.
That was such an honour.
I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time.
Arianna Adams.
Did you receive all my letters? Eryou know, everybody's been so kind, but I feel the creative muse is upon me.
I'll get your things.
Thank you.
I can feel the flames of inspiration are licking at my heels.
I must go write.
Thank you.
Pleasure to be of assistance.
Let me know if I can help you in the future.
- Case is closed.
- Right.
Miss Miller, all done.
What's going on? Oh, my father sent them in to give us the squeeze when Sam wouldn't sell Babylon.
He seemed so charming.
Yeah.
Well, we don't have to worry about him any more, he's gone.
Actually, I saw him playing cards with Sam down in the canteen.
What?! Three jacks.
I win.
What is he doing here? We're playing cards.
I wasn't talking to you.
Fantastic, Sam.
Now you're playing poker.
Just sorting a few things out.
Sam, the whole point was to get him out of the hotel.
Relax, both of you.
I'm winning.
He's much more fun now.
Raise.
SHE SCREAMS Look what they did to me.
Oh, my goodness.
What will Bobby Mack have thought? I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
I'll call a house doctor.
It was the Old Tiger saffron gin.
Really? Does it always do that? No, it never does that.
And I have never had a more bizarre-tasting white winter truffle.
What are you saying exactly? Well, you're the manager - you tell me what's going on.
I'll investigate immediately.
Yes, do that.
But I'm leaving in the morning and I will never set foot in this hotel againever! APPLAUSE I couldn't have won without your help, giving me Damien's tell.
Well, I'm just glad it's all over.
I'm extremely grateful.
And, look, I wanted to ask you something.
Oh, you did? Yeah, I don't know if you're free tomorrow night.
I might be.
There's another tournament.
I thought you could come along.
What?! Well, there's this guy there who bluffed a house, beat my flush, and I thought maybe you could watch him, spot his tell.
Congratulations.
> Thank you so much.
You want me to be your spotter? Yeah, I really need to take him down.
You really need to get a life.
Hey, Paige.
I sharpened your pencils.
Why? You said you wanted to write.
You like your pencils to be sharp.
Erwell, I could have done that myself.
I like doing it for you.
Well, you needn't go to all that trouble.
It's my job.
Um when was the last time HE UNLOCKS DOOR .
.
you and I had a drink together? We've, um Never.
King Lear? It's awesome.
I saw it in Chicago.
It really captures the anguish of a fond, foolish old man trapped between obstinacy and pride.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, I'll book those tickets.
504? Tea break.
Now? It's getting late.
Yes, if you're six years old and getting ready for bed, but you're Tony and you never miss a cup of tea.
Now, come on.
You're buying.
Oh, shit.
Right, you lot, here.
I know what you did.
I pulled the same trick myself to fake foie gras in a hotel in Harrogate once, but I was young and stupid.
What's your excuse? We didn't have her requested items in stock.
That is not good enough.
Juliet you look at us with the eyes that would make a weak man die, but you must believe.
I swear on the grave of my beloved nonna.
We never believed that Arianna would come here today.
And she hasn't for the past three years.
Look, it's not just us.
She has bookings all over town that she never keeps.
Well, she's threatened to cancel her entire booking.
This is serious.
She buys our suite for ten weeks every year.
That is guaranteed revenue.
Now, has anyone got an idea of how to talk her round? Tony, look, you're the brains here.
Think of something.
This is Arianna Adams, we cannot afford to lose her.
The shipping heiress? Yes, Tony.
Oh, then we've lucked out.
I mean, I know what that's about, yeah, sure, sure.
I can think of a plan.
I can think of a good plan.
Geezer.
So, um put something straight for me.
Why haven't we done this before? I guess because I'm just a ditzy gofer and you're this incredible genius.
Well, I haven't been smart enough to notice you, have I? Well, you're a busy man.
But you're smart, funny, beautiful.
If I had real brains, I'd wanna hang out with you the whole time.
I worry I'ma little out of my depth with you.
And I think I'm a little out of my league with you.
What? I'm worried that when you look at me all you see is a boring, middle-aged grouch.
That's not at all true.
Well, maybe if opposites attract, then I might have a chance with you.
A chance for what? To kiss you.
You have every chance.
Oh, um You know, I'm gonna be back in a sec.
What? Tony, this is very high-risk.
Are you sure you're up to it? Well, you just introduce me as the author and let me do my thing.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Bobby? 6.
30.
Things are kicking off.
Oh, yes I'm a little bit busy right now.
I could really do without you being late.
Well, yes, madam.
I'll have thoseclothes with you very soon, OK? Bobby Yeah.
Bye.
OK? Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Here we go.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Should I do that up, do you think? We'd like to make amends for our foolish mistake, umso there's someone here I think you'd like to meet.
Do it.
Oh, my God.
At last.
I don't believe it.
I understand from your letters, all your letters, that you're my biggest fan.
Your books are extraordinary.
Well, you know, some critics find them diffuse, but they're really just intended as a response to the resurgent atavism of cultural structures.
You know, it's always been my ambition to elevate the language of schematic loss.
Do you think that loss can be schematic? Oh, yeah.
We'll just leave you to it.
Thank you so much.
I can't tell you how happy I am.
Yes! Where were we? Oh, um I don't remember.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT WellI was just saying how you had every chance to kiss me.
But if you're not gonna take that chance .
.
do you mind if I kiss you? PHONE BEEPS Uhyou know .
.
umcould you, um You Put you here.
Now, just stay there.
Hold that thought.
I'm gonna be right back.
Oh-h! You are gonna be very popular with your boss.
Why? Well, I impersonated you impersonating me.
It's quite complicated.
Are you wearing lipstick? Mmm? OK, look, don't be upset, but I noticed that you and Paige liked each other, so I laid a bit of groundwork.
You kissed Paige? No.
Strictly speaking, she kissed me.
But the good news is she thought she was kissing you.
It's quite complicated.
What? What does it mean? She definitely likes you.
Really? And you like her.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
HE UNLOCKS DOOR BOBBY AND PAIGE CHATTER DAMIEN: I'll raise you 500.
You.
You are a genius.
How did you know Arianna was such a big fan of Bobby Mack's? Yeah, all your "regurgent activism", eh, and your "schemy loss", eh, Yankee boy? Now, I don't know what you were talking about up there, but I've just spoken to Arianna, and she thinks she's met her literary hero and she's keeping her booking.
ALL: Yes! Can you be quiet? We're trying to play some cards here.
What's going on? Your bet, Franklin.
You've got no money.
I'm not walking away.
I'll write an IOU that will match any bet you make.
OK, let's raise the stakes.
All thisplus Babylon.
ALL GASP .
.
for any one of your hotels.
Sam, you can't.
Keep out of this.
You came here to take my hotel, now I'm gonna take one of yours.
Don't you dare accept this bet.
Are you gonna name one? No, he's not, are you, Damien? The Crawford.
Bit pompous for my taste, but it'll do.
Tanya, the river.
Full house.
ALL SIGH That's a very good hand .
.
but not as good as four kings.
THEY GROAN Uhmy solicitor will be contacting you with the paperwork.
What the hell just happened in there? Sam? I thought it was my way back.
A pissing contest with Damien? It's not He tried to walk all over me.
I had to show him he couldn't do that.
It was a calculated gamble.
There's no such thing.
But if I'd have won, I'd have doubled my assets.
You lost.
It was bad luck, Juliet.
You can't build a life on luck, Sam.
EMILY: Give Sam his hotel back.
That'snot how gambling works.
This wasn't gambling.
You came here specifically to get Babylon.
Yes, that's what I wanted.
Didn't you think about me? This is ALL about you.
Wellanswer these things about me, then.
Who's my best friend? Where's my favourite place? Why does Chinese food make me sneeze? We certainly drifted apart.
You don't know me, and you came here to buy Babylon so that you could give it to someone who doesn't even want to be a hotel manager! Look, let's not talk out here, please.
SHE SIGHS I thought it was a way that we could spend more time together.
If you want to spend more time with me, don't buy a hotel as an excuse.
I'm sorry, I got it wrong.
Give Sam back his hotel.
You don't understand.
He's a proud man.
It would crush him, being in my debt.
Believe me, there is nothing I can do.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES How'd it go? He doesn't know how to give it back to Sam.
Sorry, does any of this macho posturing make sense to any of the men in the room? Stop the funeral, I think I can save the hotel.
Sam You're not gonna like it, but it's the best we've got.
OK, this is what we're gonna do.
Hold the doors.
You're leaving us? I've got what I came for.
Title deeds to the hotel.
I was gonna get myself a drink before I left.
Can I buy you one? It looks like we could both do with one.
LIFT CLUNKS ALARM RINGS They're playing my song.
Hi.
I've called the mechanic, but he'll be a while at this time of night, so I'll bring you some drinks, OK? The booze is in.
Stage one complete.
Played my first game when I was ten.
My father cleaned me out.
Told me I should learn that poker doesn't pay.
Shame I didn't listen to him.
I've achieved quite a lot in my life, but I've never been a successful father.
Not that it's my place, or anything, but she's a very special girl.
You should take time to get to know her.
I wish I had time.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
The engineer's delayed, so you're gonna be stuck a while longer.
I've brought you some magazines, playing cards, radio.
I'll let you know when they arrive.
JULIET: How's it going up there? They've got the cards.
The rest is up to Sam.
Hold this for me, will you? I'm gonna try and get these doors open further.
We can't just wait all night, sitting on our hands.
We could play cards.
Not a good idea.
Wouldn't you like to win back Babylon? Yes.
Well, now's your chance.
I'll bet you one hand - the hotel for this watch.
You wanna take everything I've got.
I've already got 12 hotels.
If I want another I can buy another.
But this watchwent to the moon.
OK.
We're gonna play Indian.
You get one cardblind.
Highest card wins.
You get one change.
OK.
On three.
One, two, three.
Do you want to change? No.
You? Mmm.
HE GROANS Help.
Help me! ALARM RINGS Was there supposed to be a second alarm? I don't think so.
No, there wasn't.
Hurry up.
Hurry up! Oh, my God, Sam, what's happened? I think he's had a heart attack.
Call an ambulance.
Get these doors open! ALL SHOUT AT ONCE Ambulance, please.
Oh, God! Pull.
Pull, guys.
He's stopped breathing.
He's stopped breathing.
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE Tanya, pass the defibrillator.
It's in a red box.
The red one! Sam, I'm gonna pass this to you.
Open it and I'll tell you what to do.
Pull where it says "pull".
Where? The plastic thing.
And rip it off.
This? Yes.
OK, there's two pads.
Put them on his chest.
OK.
Can we turn it on? OK, turn it on.
MACHINE POWERS UP OK, it's charging.
OK, here we go.
Here we go.
MACHINE BEEPS Anything? He's not breathing.
He's not breathing.
OTHERS TALK AT ONCE Tanya, I need the adrenalin.
It's in a long plastic thing.
It's blue.
Looks like a blue pen.
Come on.
That's it.
Here it is! Here it is! Get it in, get it in! Oh, God! OK, just slowly.
You're gonna be OK.
You're gonna be OK.
One, two, three.
He's not breathing.
HE GASPS EMILY SOBS Dad? Daddy.
Daddy, you're gonna be OK! So that was a heart attack.
Itit wasn't unexpected.
I had one four months ago.
You didn't tell me.
I didn't know how.
I could hardly tell you on the telephone or in an e-mail.
That's why I came here.
I'm sorry.
Apparently I have a chronic condition.
But I won't waste the last months of my life without us ever getting to know each other.
I justcould never find the words to say To say what? That Ilove you.
You just said it.
It's very simple, really, isn't it? I mean, it's much cheaper than buying me a hotel.
Wait.
Want to know what card I had? Welcome back to the hotel business.
OK.
The best risks we take in life are not when we gamble with money or possessions, but when we're brave enough to risk our feelings.
BOBBY: What's happened? PAIGE: Will he be all right? Don't worry.
I'm sure he'll be OK.
Hmm.
Can I get you anything? Taxi? Tickets for a show? Oh, no, no.
I think we're fine, thanks.
Well, let me know if you need my help.
I suspect you've helped us enough already.
SIREN WAILS I think I've got it from here, thanks.
Because if we win that gamble .
.
we get the biggest prize of all.
I need to collect all his stuff and bring it to the hospital for him.
Is he all right? I don't know.
I have to wait and see.
Are you all right? Yeah.
And you're gonna be all right together? I hope so.
I really hope so.
Maybe you'd like to come to my room.
Your room? We're hosting an entire convention with a skeleton staff.
The Captain Stranger Appreciation Society.
Oh, no.
Not geeks.
This is Meredith Sutton, she's gonna be working with us for a few days.
- You're Michael - Martin.
- Anderson.
- Armstrong! BOTH GASP Who is this Meredith, anyway, and has she facilitated your sleeping with her, by any chance? - Morning.
- Good morning.
Oh! Oh.
Ahoy.
This is never gonna happen between us.
There's too much history.
I resign.
And there's always a chance that things can get out of hand.
What cards do you have? She's been cheating.
But life is full of risk.
Getting to a meeting on time Hmm! .
.
or eating in the staff canteen Two breakfasts, please.
Ugh! .
.
can be full of hidden dangers.
HE SNEEZES And even the simplest human transaction carries the possibility of misunderstanding.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you very much.
I've got something for you, big shot.
Here's your 200.
Next time we meet on the green baize, I taking you down, my friend.
Most of us have learnt to manage risk Well, this place is totally weird.
There's some really big names here - good players from the gambling circuit.
'.
.
but life can deal you an unexpected card.
' Damien Rushby? What? One of the biggest hoteliers in Europe.
Well, make sure it clears.
A hundred million.
Damien Rushby's my father.
Seriously? Well, that makes you hotel royalty.
Actually, it makes me feel pretty sick.
Sorry, I need to get some air.
It's exhilarating out there today.
Yeah.
Almost as cool as when we had the Swedish striptease team come for the Sex Olympics.
Did we? No.
But a man can dream.
Here she is, the girl that brought us the biggest game in town.
GINO: Hey, hey.
JULIET: Why are you so excited today? Well, gamblers are my kind of people.
We're not afraid to put our balls on the line.
Thanks for the visuals, Sam, but try to control yourself today.
Control myself? I know you like to gamble, but sometimes you get carried away.
Don't worry.
Emily and I are hosting.
I'll just be an expert onlooker.
OK.
Where's Tony? I saw him in the corridor.
No, you didn't.
He just phoned me to say he's had an incident in the lift and he's gonna be late.
Emily, what do we need to know? Sorry? What? About the tournament.
Oh! Umyes.
The Texas hold 'em is a popular poker variant, and the Hold 'Em 50 sees 50 players each paying ten grand a seat.
It's a survival of the fittest knockout, so the last man standing walks away with half a million pounds.
You know a lot about it.
You get more than a basic education at a girls' private school.
Emily and Sam are the tournament directors, so they'll be busy all day, as the poker is our main event.
I'd like to remind everybody that the restaurant will be closed after lunch for the reading.
What? This bloke Bobby Mack? Yes.
He's one of my favourite neorealists, actually.
You know, his latest opus is a staggering ".
.
story of authenticity and genius.
" yeah.
I tried to read it.
A bit too stodgy for me.
- Is there anything else? - There is one last thing.
Arianna Adams is booked in to stay today.
The shipping heiress.
Sorry I'm late, one of those mornings.
You do realise that Arianna Adams is not going to show? She's a phantom guest.
She always books the Hanging Garden Suite every summer.
Always pays, never comes.
Well, her people e-mailed me last night, detailing her demands.
She never comes.
She is DEFINITELY coming.
So, Sam, I need you to vacate the Hanging Garden Suite.
Of course.
Straight away.
JULIET: And everybody else, I need you to be fully prepared.
I'll bet you 50 she never comes.
You may want to hang on to your money today, Gino.
TONY: So, what did I miss? Oh, there's some big beasts here for the poker, Tony.
There's bound to be a few rabbits as well.
Maybe we could skin a few, eh? Gambling's bad for your health.
Speaking of which, the 200 you owe me? Very funny, pretty boy.
It's great to be in London, isn't it? I know I'm not gonna have a chance to see any of the sights while we're here, so I'm gonna spend the day channelling what it would be like to eat cucumber sandwiches on a double-decker bus, next to freaky dudes in bowler hats.
You're pale.
Have you eaten? I'll get you some breakfast.
Keep those blood sugars up.
It's not bad here.
The maitre d's got the funniest accent.
I nearly lost it when I heard him say, "Black pudding and grilled tomatoes.
" I'll go find the concierge.
OK, thank you.
Emily.
Here's ten grand.
I wanna play.
Sneak me in.
Sam, I don't think I'm gonna be able to host this tournament today.
What? It's personal.
I, umI can't do it with my father here.
Emily, this is your baby.
You know all the details.
I can't do this without you.
Erno.
I asked for 39mm clay.
These are too heavy.
I want 8.
5 to 10 gram.
No problem.
Look, I'm gonna have to go.
He's on his way.
I'm really sorry.
What's going on? We haven't seen each other in over a year.
He's arrogant and he's difficult and we haven't had much of a relationship since my mum died.
Your mum died? Five years ago.
Sorry, I didn't know.
We never really dealt with it, and then he went and got rid of all her stuff without asking me.
So having him here Is your chance to put things right.
MAN: Good morning, Mr Rushby.
It's not the time or the place.
DAMIEN: Emily! Shit.
I'll take this.
Hello, darling.
Hi.
Sorry I missed your birthday.
And Christmas.
"Emily James"? Using your mum's name, not mine? Well, it's just for work, it's nothing personal.
Isn't it? You're such a big figure on the hotel scene, anything I achieve I want to do it on my own merit.
Quite right.
So you're here for the tournament? Yeah, well, I wanted to talk to you, and when I heard the game was here, it seemed like the perfect opportunity.
Yes.
I thought we could have a chat.
Well, I'm very busy.
But I hope you have a wonderful stay at Hotel Babylon.
Well, that's what I like to see, a friendly face at reception.
Always sets the right tone.
Mr Rushby, this is such a thrill.
Your hotels are fabulous.
An inspiration.
Oh, thank you.
Would you ask Mr Franklin to come up and see me, please? OK.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'd like the full English breakfast.
Oh, really, Tony? SOUTHERN ACCENT: And I'd like a pastrami on rye with the pickle on the side! HE LAUGHS Very funny.
Who's Tony? I haven't got time for this.
Oh.
Have a nice day.
Umdo you like this? Oh, it's gorgeous.
And very expensive.
That's the whole point.
The Italian in 207 gave it to me.
Oh.
But it's not really my style.
I was wondering whether you'd like it.
No, I couldn't.
Oh, honestly.
It's not a problem.
I want you to have it.
Please.
Hey.
Hey.
Your dad is lovely.
He's so stylish.
Where would you like these ghastly chicken wings? Just pop them there.
Now, the e-mail from Arianna's people specifically requested that we get in some Old Tiger Saffron gin.
And some white winter truffles to shave over her hot-buttered linguine? Oh, have you got them? Course we have.
You've laid on quite a welcome.
Here's to a long and healthy relationship.
That's a very impressive watch.
This? It went up with Apollo 11.
Really? Yep.
It's priceless.
How did you come by it? I won it in a card game.
Are you a player? Not today.
Oh, shame.
I heard about you buying this place.
Very audacious.
It's a tight-knit community in the hotel game.
Most of us grew up on the shop floor together.
But you went straight in at the top.
I was fortunate to be in a position to do so.
These are tough times.
Oil spike, dollar slump, credit crunch.
People are finding it hard to keep afloat.
Now, I've got 12 hotels in my portfolio - I can absorb these fluctuations.
But what about you? I manage.
Word on the street says you're making a decent fist of things, but you have liquidity issues and you're not a natural for the hotel game.
I'm sure you don't mean to be rude, but that's how it's coming across.
I want to help you.
I can offer you a way out.
I'll take Babylon off your hands.
I'll give you what you paid for it, plus 10% on top.
Not bad in a recession.
Babylon's not for sale.
You'd better be sure of that.
Things are only gonna get worse from here.
And I'm not coming back with a better offer.
You may have been in the hotel game since time began but you've got no style.
This is just business.
It's not the way I do business.
DOOR SLAMS Dry-cleaning! Oh, my God! In German mythology, meeting your double is a very bad omen.
Well, that's one more reason why I'm glad I'm not German, then! Yeah.
Come in, come in.
Oh, you're the famous author.
Bobby Mack.
Oh.
Tony.
I'm glad to see one of us has made something of himself.
It doesn't always feel that way.
I've been signing for the last two hours.
It's been the same every day for the last ten weeks.
Wow! Yeah.
This book tour's so long, I sometimes lose track of who I am.
Yeah, I know how that feels.
Pint with the boys at lunchtime, that's what gets me through the day.
Oh, I miss that old scene.
I used to work in a department store, three years, in New York City.
I used to feel like all human life was there.
Now all I see is the inside of a five-star hotel.
MOBILE BEEPS How sad for you.
Yeah, I really have to go, but it was nice to meet you.
Maybe I'll see you again at your book signing.
Sure.
Er, I want you to have this.
Thank you very much, sir.
OK.
Miss Adams.
I believe you've been expecting me.
I'm Arianna Adams.
HiMISS ADAMS! My people should have sent you an e-mail with my particular requests.
Miss Adams, it's a pleasure to have you staying with us.
We received your e-mail and everything's ready, so please come this way.
Tell Gino he owes me 50 quid.
Miss Adams, wait.
Tanya, I need your help.
SHE SHRIEKS Step away from the lift.
Umer Ben, there are people waiting.
Sorry.
I always keep several hotel rooms booked.
I never know which one will take my fancy.
Quickly.
Wonderful hotel.
Lovely staff.
Excuse me.
We up the creek without a puddle.
Every year I've had her wretched truffles flown in and every year I've watched them rot slowly and expensively when she didn't show.
Me too, with the gin - I had to sell it at discount to the Royal to balance the balance sheet.
OK, OK, what are we gonna do? Well, I in denial.
I'm going to light a big cigar, listen to some Charles Aznavour and kiss the roly-poly woman from housekeeping and hope it goes away.
But it's Arianna Adams! Don't panic.
I'll call in some favours.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to follow me, the poker tournament is about to begin.
- HMRC.
Spot check on your returns.
What? We're gonna need invoices, matching receipts, payroll records, going back seven years.
You're kidding.
I don't see anyone laughing.
You look troubled, my child.
Could I be of any assistance? Oh, not unless Your Eminent can use your Bible magic and turn water into Old Tiger saffron gin.
You get some very exotic types in here, don't you? We got a big poker game here today.
I always wished I'd learned to play.
Oh.
Had my chance when I was young.
Well, against the backdrop of eternity, Your Magnificent, we all still young.
Can you teach me, please? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Holiness, no, no.
I don't wanna get in trouble with your boss in heaven because I've taken all your money.
Please.
No, no, no.
No.
How much you want to play for? I just met your father.
Lucky you.
Quite a character.
Can you help me find table five? Hi.
I'm Emily James.
I'm Crispin Lloyd.
But everyone calls me Justice.
I'll show you to your table.
Why does everyone call you Justice? We all have aliases to make us seem interesting.
I used to be a lawyer, human rights.
Oh.
Oh.
SHE GIGGLES Oh, not Justice again.
I thought I'd cleaned you out last time.
And I thought you'd changed your name to Cashpoint, seeing as you're always giving your money away.
Today's game too rich for you, Franklin? Sam, Emily.
The Revenue are here, they're doing a spot check.
I'll come up.
What?! Sam, we were going to do our opening address together.
You'll be fine.
MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK Welcome, everyone, to Hold 'Em 50 at Hotel Babylon.
This is a massive inconvenience.
We're holding a major event today.
Can't we do it some other time? It's a spot check, you don't get to pick your time.
The hotel was audited last year.
Your operating systems are slack and your drawdown facilities are shocking.
But I had the place checked before I bought it.
Maybe that check wasn't thorough enough.
Two pairs.
Oh.
Must be beginner's luck.
Yeah.
You are surprisingly good at this.
I think the good Lord is looking down on me, protecting me.
The good Lord.
Do you want to raise the stakes? Yeah, OK.
The game's starting, Billy.
Pick on someone your own size.
Oh, no, it's OK.
I can handle it.
Don't mess with Billy the Beast.
Billy the Beast? You're not a priest? I was till I gambled the church roof funds and found something better to worship.
Come on, Billy.
BILLY LAUGHS Moscow and Bombay are great cities.
So is London, Rome, Berlin, but we never get to see any of them.
We wait at airports, get on planes, check into hotels, do a reading of the book, do a signing of the book, wait at an airport, get on a plane, check into a hotel.
It's like Groundhog Day.
I know.
Maybe after, we could go for a drink or something.
Er Er Or not.
I'm going to, er go.
HE SIGHS It's a catastrophe.
I know.
I've tried everyone.
Nobody has any white truffles or any Old Tiger saffron gin.
Not that.
I just been mugged by a man in a white collar.
Ben, can you lend me some money till payday? Gino, don't let your mind wander.
It's far too small to be let out on its own.
Arianna's booked into the restaurant in an hour.
What? Oh, God.
Have you guys seen this American author? He's my spitting image.
Lemonade, please.
Honestly, he and I are exactly the same.
Yeah, except that he's been on the bestseller list for 40 weeks.
Yeah, and he's sitting upstairs in one of our most expensive suites.
While you're wondering if you can afford the daily specials.
< Apart from that Thanks, guys.
You organised all this? Very impressive.
How long have you worked here? Just over a year.
Head of PR.
It's a good job.
A lot of responsibility.
Yes, I enjoy it.
I think it's time you stepped up a gear, though.
Manage one of the family hotels, perhaps.
You don't want to be a PR girl all your life.
You see, this is one of our major problems.
You disappear for large periods of my life and you pop back in at your convenience and expect me to listen to your advice.
I'm sorry, I thought we could catch up.
Oh, right, in between card games.
Look, I have a really important job supervising this today and I could really do without your cosy chats and career advice.
Emily, listen.
No, YOU listen.
Just concentrate on your game and leave me alone.
Oi.
Where's that taxi I ordered? I'm just on hold now, sir.
You're about as useful as an ejector seat in a helicopter.
BOBBY LAUGHS This is not a spectator sport, you know.
Sorry, it was a cool phrase.
People say the most perceptive things.
Er404's luggage is stuck at Terminal 5 and wants you to chase it up.
And this is Brutus.
He's 19 and incontinent, so if he's not walked every OK.
Thank you, Ben.
Oh, Tony, erafter you've taken care of the Roman dog, could you come up and see me? I've got a request of my own.
Yeah.
DOG FARTS Bloody hell.
Oh, you know he's doing a reading here today.
Yes, I do know.
That's why I'm here.
I'm his biggest fan.
I'm crazy for him.
I've bombarded him with countless letters Oh, gosh.
Well, enjoy your meal.
Get a move on! She's here! She's here! OK, where's the food dye? Has anyone seen my Perigords? Oh, my gosh, this is never gonna work.
What do you need from me? You get to meet a lot of people during your day, with their strange requests.
I thought maybe we could swap places for the day.
Cheers.
What, I become the famous author and you become? Mm-hm, yeah.
I'd really love to do your job, just for a few hours.
Seriously, you wanna be a concierge? I need some variety.
I need a change of rhythm.
You would get to take a break up here.
Right now that is rather appealing.
Yeah.
I mean, afternoon in five-star luxury.
Get to put whatever you want on my bill.
No.
Nice try, but no.
You've gotta do your book reading later on.
I'm not a public speaker.
Tony, you're a natural.
You deal with the public all the time.
Come on.
How's your American accent? My British is pretty good.
"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
" It's Michael Caine.
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
" Gene Wilder! That's brilliant.
Hey, hey, we could do this.
We can? Yeah.
Tony, come on, think about it.
What have we got to lose? What do you say? Watch this.
I soaked these ordinary Perigord truffles in oil and then glazed them with egg to get just the right hue.
Old Tiger gin gets its colour from being steeped with saffron for years, but this is the perfect match.
OK, you guys are mad.
Arianna will never tell the difference.
Service! All right, come on.
Enjoy your meal, madam.
The moment of truth.
Come on, God.
You let your preacher take my money, now you're going to help me.
We did it.
We bloody did it.
ALL: Yes! I can't believe I'm doing this.
That is my book of secrets.
It's got every contact number and every eventuality I've had over the last 20 years.
But if you do have any problems, I'm always on the end of the phone.
And if things get out of control for you, Paige, my PA, she's a great backstop.
Are you and her an item? Oh, I see.
You like her.
What's not to like? She's young, intelligent, hip, slick and beautiful.
If opposites attract, I might stand a chance, though.
I'm afraid when she looks at me, all she sees is a boring old grouch.
Speak for yourself.
Well, I got guests to attend to.
Come here.
Thank you.
So I'll see you back here for the swap-over at 6.
30.
I must be mad.
OK, Tony, 6.
30.
Ladies and gentlemen, and blinds are now going up Thank you.
Chicken wing? SHE LAUGHS Yeah, I'm only using them as an excuse to talk to you.
I never realised they could be deployed as a chat-up device.
You have to be highly skilled! Do you think you'll win today? Only if I can shake off Rushby.
Everyone's got a tell when they're lying at cards - a small thing that gives them away - and I can usually spot it, except with Damien.
I can't read Damien.
Emily.
Sorry.
Can you cover for me? Health and Safety have turned up.
What?! Like a dog with a bone once they get their teeth in.
Buggers to shake loose.
EXAGGERATED AMERICAN ACCENT Room service, please.
I'd like a steak and chips oh, French fries.
Oh.
Always a pleasure to see you, Tony.
But I'm in a bit of a rush.
But please do send up the usual.
Oh, the usual? You know what makes me happy.
Sam Franklin.
Can I help you? Health and Safety.
Here to do spot checks on your exits, emergencies and extinguishers.
We were checked two weeks ago.
Who's your qualified first aider? Emily James, head of PR.
I want to see her.
Well, you can't.
Sam, I'll deal with this.
I'm going to speak to Rushby.
EMILY: Chip leader at the moment is Devil Fish.
Damien Rushby is second, Justice third.
APPLAUSE This is difficult for me, because family is family and I don't want to intrude.
What? What has he done? Well, as you know, we've had the Revenue crawling all over us all day, and Health and Safety have turned up with practically the same agenda.
And this morning your father tried to buy the hotel from me.
What? I was just wondering if these events were related.
I'm not saying he'd Of course they are.
It's just the kind of stunt he would pull.
He doesn't even pause to think about me.
I know this is tricky for you Sam, this is where I work.
This is my life, and he has no respect for that.
We have to get rid of him.
I didn't want to be the one to say it, but, yes, we do.
Any ideas? Plenty.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, come in.
Room service.
Yeah, just put it right there.
My God, Tony was right.
Who? No, I'm sorry, you just look remarkably like a friend of mine.
Is he witty and intelligent? No, not really.
Could you sign this? Sure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, blimey.
Excuse me? You know, rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a pub.
Apples and pears, I got big flares.
It's amazing what you pick up on BBC America.
Absolutely.
Oh, this is for you.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
I have a feeling some of the problems I've been encountering today with the authorities might have something to do with you.
No idea what you're talking about.
You're sabotaging my hotel.
I said I don't know what you're talking about.
You know you said you didn't know Damien's tell.
SHE WHISPERS I'll raise your 50,000.
I'm all in.
That's big money, Damien.
- Think you've got me beat? - I KNOW I have.
You're bluffing.
I'll call.
APPLAUSE "The usual, the usual.
" Er I know that you want the usual and that the usual makes you happy, but I was thinking that we've known each other for so long, erthat maybe we could do something unusual for a change.
This is an anthurium.
It's my favourite flower.
It's divine.
You know, I was thinking of Iris Murdoch today, and she said, "People from a planet without flowers "must think that we're mad with joy the whole time "to have such things about us.
" I hope it makes you mad with joy.
Oh.
Oh.
So much more interesting than the evening paper you usually bring me.
Oh, lovely.
Evening paper.
It's just me.
Oh.
Whoa.
Sorry.
Cute boxers.
I, erI just came to say you're on in ten.
Oh, OK.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES I'm sorry you felt you had to do that.
It's nothing to do with me.
I could hardly miss you whispering to Justice.
Are you leaving now? Look, I didn't come for us to get into a fight.
You hardly came in peace.
You tried to buy the hotel.
Do you know why I wanted the hotel? It was for you.
That is totally crass.
Is that your idea of trying? I thought it could bring us back together.
Just leave.
Is everything OK? This is between me and my Your necklace.
You can't buy me.
I think you should go.
Are you OK? Er, me? Yeah.
Sure, I'm fine.
You'll be wonderful.
You've done this a hundred times before.
You see? Two Tonys.
< Can't be good for the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Bobby Mack.
APPLAUSE Pretty spineless of you to send friends to do your dirty work.
No different from you using my daughter to knock me out of the tournament.
You caused me a great deal of inconvenience.
And you and Emily have just cost me a lot of money.
You'd have lost it anyway.
Oh, really? You're a big game tourist.
You shouldn't have been in that hand.
How much have you won at the poker table this year? Not as much as you've lost.
I've won half a million so far, and I don't even need the money.
Whereas you're clinging to Babylon after the shipwreck of your business career.
And you haven't even got the balls to join the big boys to play poker today.
Let's play now.
Heads up, no limit.
Sure you can handle it? Follow me.
"As the sky snapped shut like a broken bulb "and the satanic storm gathered to scorn them, his body split, "and she reached deep within him "and wept.
" APPLAUSE Mr Mack will now take a few questions.
- Who's first? - Ah, yes.
Yes.
< Mr Mack, I've always wanted to know, when you write "three white mice sit under a juniper tree", what exactly is it that you mean by that? HE GROANS Wh-what do I mean? What is the symbolism in that phrase that you repeat so often in your work? What is it that you're trying to indicate to us? Um that's What I mean, when I wrote that, umI, um What I'm trying tosay .
.
is that there's three white mice and they're sitting .
.
under a juniper tree.
Er, do you understand? Yes, I think I do now.
I think I do finally.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's Anyone else? HUBBUB How much are we playing for? How much have you got? Enough.
BEN: Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Pleasure to meet you.
Thank you so much, Mr Mack.
That was such an honour.
I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time.
Arianna Adams.
Did you receive all my letters? Eryou know, everybody's been so kind, but I feel the creative muse is upon me.
I'll get your things.
Thank you.
I can feel the flames of inspiration are licking at my heels.
I must go write.
Thank you.
Pleasure to be of assistance.
Let me know if I can help you in the future.
- Case is closed.
- Right.
Miss Miller, all done.
What's going on? Oh, my father sent them in to give us the squeeze when Sam wouldn't sell Babylon.
He seemed so charming.
Yeah.
Well, we don't have to worry about him any more, he's gone.
Actually, I saw him playing cards with Sam down in the canteen.
What?! Three jacks.
I win.
What is he doing here? We're playing cards.
I wasn't talking to you.
Fantastic, Sam.
Now you're playing poker.
Just sorting a few things out.
Sam, the whole point was to get him out of the hotel.
Relax, both of you.
I'm winning.
He's much more fun now.
Raise.
SHE SCREAMS Look what they did to me.
Oh, my goodness.
What will Bobby Mack have thought? I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
I'll call a house doctor.
It was the Old Tiger saffron gin.
Really? Does it always do that? No, it never does that.
And I have never had a more bizarre-tasting white winter truffle.
What are you saying exactly? Well, you're the manager - you tell me what's going on.
I'll investigate immediately.
Yes, do that.
But I'm leaving in the morning and I will never set foot in this hotel againever! APPLAUSE I couldn't have won without your help, giving me Damien's tell.
Well, I'm just glad it's all over.
I'm extremely grateful.
And, look, I wanted to ask you something.
Oh, you did? Yeah, I don't know if you're free tomorrow night.
I might be.
There's another tournament.
I thought you could come along.
What?! Well, there's this guy there who bluffed a house, beat my flush, and I thought maybe you could watch him, spot his tell.
Congratulations.
> Thank you so much.
You want me to be your spotter? Yeah, I really need to take him down.
You really need to get a life.
Hey, Paige.
I sharpened your pencils.
Why? You said you wanted to write.
You like your pencils to be sharp.
Erwell, I could have done that myself.
I like doing it for you.
Well, you needn't go to all that trouble.
It's my job.
Um when was the last time HE UNLOCKS DOOR .
.
you and I had a drink together? We've, um Never.
King Lear? It's awesome.
I saw it in Chicago.
It really captures the anguish of a fond, foolish old man trapped between obstinacy and pride.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, I'll book those tickets.
504? Tea break.
Now? It's getting late.
Yes, if you're six years old and getting ready for bed, but you're Tony and you never miss a cup of tea.
Now, come on.
You're buying.
Oh, shit.
Right, you lot, here.
I know what you did.
I pulled the same trick myself to fake foie gras in a hotel in Harrogate once, but I was young and stupid.
What's your excuse? We didn't have her requested items in stock.
That is not good enough.
Juliet you look at us with the eyes that would make a weak man die, but you must believe.
I swear on the grave of my beloved nonna.
We never believed that Arianna would come here today.
And she hasn't for the past three years.
Look, it's not just us.
She has bookings all over town that she never keeps.
Well, she's threatened to cancel her entire booking.
This is serious.
She buys our suite for ten weeks every year.
That is guaranteed revenue.
Now, has anyone got an idea of how to talk her round? Tony, look, you're the brains here.
Think of something.
This is Arianna Adams, we cannot afford to lose her.
The shipping heiress? Yes, Tony.
Oh, then we've lucked out.
I mean, I know what that's about, yeah, sure, sure.
I can think of a plan.
I can think of a good plan.
Geezer.
So, um put something straight for me.
Why haven't we done this before? I guess because I'm just a ditzy gofer and you're this incredible genius.
Well, I haven't been smart enough to notice you, have I? Well, you're a busy man.
But you're smart, funny, beautiful.
If I had real brains, I'd wanna hang out with you the whole time.
I worry I'ma little out of my depth with you.
And I think I'm a little out of my league with you.
What? I'm worried that when you look at me all you see is a boring, middle-aged grouch.
That's not at all true.
Well, maybe if opposites attract, then I might have a chance with you.
A chance for what? To kiss you.
You have every chance.
Oh, um You know, I'm gonna be back in a sec.
What? Tony, this is very high-risk.
Are you sure you're up to it? Well, you just introduce me as the author and let me do my thing.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Bobby? 6.
30.
Things are kicking off.
Oh, yes I'm a little bit busy right now.
I could really do without you being late.
Well, yes, madam.
I'll have thoseclothes with you very soon, OK? Bobby Yeah.
Bye.
OK? Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Here we go.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Should I do that up, do you think? We'd like to make amends for our foolish mistake, umso there's someone here I think you'd like to meet.
Do it.
Oh, my God.
At last.
I don't believe it.
I understand from your letters, all your letters, that you're my biggest fan.
Your books are extraordinary.
Well, you know, some critics find them diffuse, but they're really just intended as a response to the resurgent atavism of cultural structures.
You know, it's always been my ambition to elevate the language of schematic loss.
Do you think that loss can be schematic? Oh, yeah.
We'll just leave you to it.
Thank you so much.
I can't tell you how happy I am.
Yes! Where were we? Oh, um I don't remember.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT WellI was just saying how you had every chance to kiss me.
But if you're not gonna take that chance .
.
do you mind if I kiss you? PHONE BEEPS Uhyou know .
.
umcould you, um You Put you here.
Now, just stay there.
Hold that thought.
I'm gonna be right back.
Oh-h! You are gonna be very popular with your boss.
Why? Well, I impersonated you impersonating me.
It's quite complicated.
Are you wearing lipstick? Mmm? OK, look, don't be upset, but I noticed that you and Paige liked each other, so I laid a bit of groundwork.
You kissed Paige? No.
Strictly speaking, she kissed me.
But the good news is she thought she was kissing you.
It's quite complicated.
What? What does it mean? She definitely likes you.
Really? And you like her.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
HE UNLOCKS DOOR BOBBY AND PAIGE CHATTER DAMIEN: I'll raise you 500.
You.
You are a genius.
How did you know Arianna was such a big fan of Bobby Mack's? Yeah, all your "regurgent activism", eh, and your "schemy loss", eh, Yankee boy? Now, I don't know what you were talking about up there, but I've just spoken to Arianna, and she thinks she's met her literary hero and she's keeping her booking.
ALL: Yes! Can you be quiet? We're trying to play some cards here.
What's going on? Your bet, Franklin.
You've got no money.
I'm not walking away.
I'll write an IOU that will match any bet you make.
OK, let's raise the stakes.
All thisplus Babylon.
ALL GASP .
.
for any one of your hotels.
Sam, you can't.
Keep out of this.
You came here to take my hotel, now I'm gonna take one of yours.
Don't you dare accept this bet.
Are you gonna name one? No, he's not, are you, Damien? The Crawford.
Bit pompous for my taste, but it'll do.
Tanya, the river.
Full house.
ALL SIGH That's a very good hand .
.
but not as good as four kings.
THEY GROAN Uhmy solicitor will be contacting you with the paperwork.
What the hell just happened in there? Sam? I thought it was my way back.
A pissing contest with Damien? It's not He tried to walk all over me.
I had to show him he couldn't do that.
It was a calculated gamble.
There's no such thing.
But if I'd have won, I'd have doubled my assets.
You lost.
It was bad luck, Juliet.
You can't build a life on luck, Sam.
EMILY: Give Sam his hotel back.
That'snot how gambling works.
This wasn't gambling.
You came here specifically to get Babylon.
Yes, that's what I wanted.
Didn't you think about me? This is ALL about you.
Wellanswer these things about me, then.
Who's my best friend? Where's my favourite place? Why does Chinese food make me sneeze? We certainly drifted apart.
You don't know me, and you came here to buy Babylon so that you could give it to someone who doesn't even want to be a hotel manager! Look, let's not talk out here, please.
SHE SIGHS I thought it was a way that we could spend more time together.
If you want to spend more time with me, don't buy a hotel as an excuse.
I'm sorry, I got it wrong.
Give Sam back his hotel.
You don't understand.
He's a proud man.
It would crush him, being in my debt.
Believe me, there is nothing I can do.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES How'd it go? He doesn't know how to give it back to Sam.
Sorry, does any of this macho posturing make sense to any of the men in the room? Stop the funeral, I think I can save the hotel.
Sam You're not gonna like it, but it's the best we've got.
OK, this is what we're gonna do.
Hold the doors.
You're leaving us? I've got what I came for.
Title deeds to the hotel.
I was gonna get myself a drink before I left.
Can I buy you one? It looks like we could both do with one.
LIFT CLUNKS ALARM RINGS They're playing my song.
Hi.
I've called the mechanic, but he'll be a while at this time of night, so I'll bring you some drinks, OK? The booze is in.
Stage one complete.
Played my first game when I was ten.
My father cleaned me out.
Told me I should learn that poker doesn't pay.
Shame I didn't listen to him.
I've achieved quite a lot in my life, but I've never been a successful father.
Not that it's my place, or anything, but she's a very special girl.
You should take time to get to know her.
I wish I had time.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
The engineer's delayed, so you're gonna be stuck a while longer.
I've brought you some magazines, playing cards, radio.
I'll let you know when they arrive.
JULIET: How's it going up there? They've got the cards.
The rest is up to Sam.
Hold this for me, will you? I'm gonna try and get these doors open further.
We can't just wait all night, sitting on our hands.
We could play cards.
Not a good idea.
Wouldn't you like to win back Babylon? Yes.
Well, now's your chance.
I'll bet you one hand - the hotel for this watch.
You wanna take everything I've got.
I've already got 12 hotels.
If I want another I can buy another.
But this watchwent to the moon.
OK.
We're gonna play Indian.
You get one cardblind.
Highest card wins.
You get one change.
OK.
On three.
One, two, three.
Do you want to change? No.
You? Mmm.
HE GROANS Help.
Help me! ALARM RINGS Was there supposed to be a second alarm? I don't think so.
No, there wasn't.
Hurry up.
Hurry up! Oh, my God, Sam, what's happened? I think he's had a heart attack.
Call an ambulance.
Get these doors open! ALL SHOUT AT ONCE Ambulance, please.
Oh, God! Pull.
Pull, guys.
He's stopped breathing.
He's stopped breathing.
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE Tanya, pass the defibrillator.
It's in a red box.
The red one! Sam, I'm gonna pass this to you.
Open it and I'll tell you what to do.
Pull where it says "pull".
Where? The plastic thing.
And rip it off.
This? Yes.
OK, there's two pads.
Put them on his chest.
OK.
Can we turn it on? OK, turn it on.
MACHINE POWERS UP OK, it's charging.
OK, here we go.
Here we go.
MACHINE BEEPS Anything? He's not breathing.
He's not breathing.
OTHERS TALK AT ONCE Tanya, I need the adrenalin.
It's in a long plastic thing.
It's blue.
Looks like a blue pen.
Come on.
That's it.
Here it is! Here it is! Get it in, get it in! Oh, God! OK, just slowly.
You're gonna be OK.
You're gonna be OK.
One, two, three.
He's not breathing.
HE GASPS EMILY SOBS Dad? Daddy.
Daddy, you're gonna be OK! So that was a heart attack.
Itit wasn't unexpected.
I had one four months ago.
You didn't tell me.
I didn't know how.
I could hardly tell you on the telephone or in an e-mail.
That's why I came here.
I'm sorry.
Apparently I have a chronic condition.
But I won't waste the last months of my life without us ever getting to know each other.
I justcould never find the words to say To say what? That Ilove you.
You just said it.
It's very simple, really, isn't it? I mean, it's much cheaper than buying me a hotel.
Wait.
Want to know what card I had? Welcome back to the hotel business.
OK.
The best risks we take in life are not when we gamble with money or possessions, but when we're brave enough to risk our feelings.
BOBBY: What's happened? PAIGE: Will he be all right? Don't worry.
I'm sure he'll be OK.
Hmm.
Can I get you anything? Taxi? Tickets for a show? Oh, no, no.
I think we're fine, thanks.
Well, let me know if you need my help.
I suspect you've helped us enough already.
SIREN WAILS I think I've got it from here, thanks.
Because if we win that gamble .
.
we get the biggest prize of all.
I need to collect all his stuff and bring it to the hospital for him.
Is he all right? I don't know.
I have to wait and see.
Are you all right? Yeah.
And you're gonna be all right together? I hope so.
I really hope so.
Maybe you'd like to come to my room.
Your room? We're hosting an entire convention with a skeleton staff.
The Captain Stranger Appreciation Society.
Oh, no.
Not geeks.
This is Meredith Sutton, she's gonna be working with us for a few days.
- You're Michael - Martin.
- Anderson.
- Armstrong! BOTH GASP Who is this Meredith, anyway, and has she facilitated your sleeping with her, by any chance? - Morning.
- Good morning.
Oh! Oh.
Ahoy.
This is never gonna happen between us.
There's too much history.
I resign.